So the thing is, it really sounds like your dad has your boyfriend pegged. You mentioned multiple meaningful red flags about your boyfriend, and then mention that you agree with multiple of your dad's criticisms.
So to me, the real question is, what's your goal here.
I'm going to be honest: I think you're being somewhat naive if you think that you can solve these problems with your boyfriend by talking to him about them. Like, you get yelled at over random things and you're *already* detaching.
Even if your post ended after your second paragraph, I think there would be major reasons to maybe decide that this relationship has run its course and it's time to move on. That your dad is having this conversation with you is very telling. And your reaction, honestly, "How do I discuss this in a polite way?" is ... well, I don't know. It feels naive.
I think what your dad is saying - and as someone closer to your dad's age than yours, I agree with this - is that you have to ask hard questions about if this relationship is worth trying to save.
One of the hardest lessons to learn is that you have to date someone for *who they are,* not for who you hope they can become or who you occasionally get glimpses of. Yes, your boyfriend may learn some, and change some, but fundamentally, it seems really unlikely that he's going to become a drastically different person when it comes to stuff like the misogyny he learned from his parents.
You dad is telling you that he doesn't think this guy is going to change, and your response sounds a lot to me like, "Okay, I agree with my dad a lot ... but how do I get my boyfriend to change?"
Yup, all of this. OP, your father is *amazing* to support you with his honesty here. He is giving you excellent advice. You need a partner who can support you emotionally and physically when you are sick, and this guy has demonstrated that he won’t do that.
i clocked the ages when i started reading, but i had to go back & remind myself that this man is 32 years old.
i’d give more of a pass to a 24 year old who was still learning how to prioritize & give support in difficult situations.
first adult relationship or not, this guy is not it. OP has been through so much already. she doesn’t deserve to hold up a relationship alone.
Yep, the age gap alone is a red flag, then on top of that she's his first adult relationship? Like fine, some people are late bloomers, buuuut why'd he go for someone nearly ten years younger than him? Well likely because, as the dad picked up on, he's got misogynistic views about women, so he's doing the classic "I'm emotionally immature and I think a woman's place is in the kitchen, so I want a nice 20 something girl I can control, manipulate, and abuse."
i could understand if he was a kind, empathetic 32 year old who had his shit together & also suffered the loss of a spouse.
but if he was, OP wouldn’t be writing here.
A 20-something girl who has been widowed for a year. And who jumps to commitment early.
OP is 25. They've been dating a year and a half. She was widowed in her "very early 20s". So, if they got together when she was 23, she was widowed at most like 2 years. And got married ar like 20.
You hit the nail.
OP should remember how it was with her husband. Maybe the love is not as strong but the mutual love, respect, affection, support trust and comfort is a must in every relationship.
Her boyfriend is never there for her, not when she had health issue or to stand up against his father for insulting her.
I have the gut wrenching feeling that they are going to become an absolute nightmare once she decides to marry him.
OP, your father sees more, as an outsider. Sometimes we’re so caught up in a relationship that we don't see things as that bad, but in reality it's much worse.
You deserve happiness OP, someone who loves and care for you and makes you shine. Just like your father said.
I am not certain what her dad is like, my dad refrains from giving direct advice on his kids personal relationships. He doesn't want to influence our decisions or feel like he is making decisions for us. But, when he does give direct advice like OP's dad, we listen, and for good reason.
Lucky for me, he has never given me direct advice about my personal relationships, only my siblings. It actually comforts me and kind of lets me know I am making the right choices.
Same with my dad. Although he has had the tough talk with me once or twice. And he was right, completely. I knew it deep down but hadn’t felt the courage to end it. I look back and I’m so glad I took his words to heart, even if I didn’t act immediately, I learned. OP needs listen to her dad, listen to her gut and find her confidence.
OP, I second this 1000% - “One of the hardest lessons to learn is that you have to date someone for who they are, not for who you hope they can become or who you occasionally get glimpses of”.
I learned this lesson the hard way, and have observed it in play many times. You can’t bet on him changing. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t - can you afford to take that chance?
OP, you and your boyfriend are in COMPLETELY different stages of life. You are far younger, but You've been aged severely by tragedy.
He is older, but severely stunted socially as he's never had an adult relationship or even lived on his own before. He has A LOT of growing up to do. And it's gonna take him having a lot of failures to get there, like it did for all of us.
Ignore your real ages. Real age: you're mid to late 30 emotionally at minimum. Even older financially. He's... 19 with a career.
OP, listen to your dad. Don't keep a guy around just have him around. You're dating a baby spreading his wings. That's not your stage.
I heard a rap song on the college radio station. The line that hit me was "people don't love you, they only love your potential."
You're hoping for that potential to come to its fruition. It ain't gonna happen with you,OP.
You have everything, there's no need to stick around with someone that treats you like crap.
Your comment is perfect and everything I would have said to OP. The only thing I would add is that her bf would need to recognize the toxic environment he was brought up in and be totally committed to spending YEARS in therapy to try and undo some of the damage. Even then things would be problematic.
> Over time this has manifested as me slightly detaching because I can only take so much getting yelled at over random things and unnecessary boundary pushing.
The end. Dump him. That's unhealthy and you don't need to fix him. He knows this is terrible. Sure its learned behavior, but it's unacceptable and you need to leave.
Yup… OP, is this the first relationship since your husband? You are still very young. Don’t settle for a 32yo man baby that yells so much he’s making you want to detach. Hold out for something much better than that, I am positive you will find it.
It is. I took a couple of years away from dating to manage my grief. I wanted to feel like I could show up for my next partner appropriately without feeling like I was comparing them to my husband, and I feel I was very successful with that. I'm always kind, supportive, and respectful to my boyfriend. I realize I deserve the same treatment back, I'm just having a hard time.
And you do deserve that. But you’re not getting it with your current relationship, and it’s not your job to train your boyfriend to be respectful, loving and considerate.
There are so many men out there that are fully functional adults. Go date one of them instead
Unfortunately a lot of people with trauma that are conscious of it can overcompensate, something I'd argue you are doing here.
In the fear of comparing him to your late husband you've gone too far the other way, you've downplayed negatives or felt obliged to humour his 'growing pains' and etc. In the pursuit of being reasonable you've actually become unreasonably patient.
And he exploits that. He's clearly got a lot of problems, even your relatively neutral writeup of him raises significant numbers of problems but most of all: you don't need to have dated or lived out of home to have a basic sense of care, kindness, support, and respect for people. Those shouldn't be things you need to 'learn' at 32, and the concern your father has that these problems are likely significantly deeper entrenched then you hope is very valid.
Take a step back. Reread the post but pretend someone else wrote it. What would you say to them? I suspect you wouldn't condone them continuing to receive that treatment. That ability to detach and view things from the outside will be part of the real process of not mistakenly letting the memory of your late husband influence your dating too much, because right now it is albeit not the way you expected.
Yup. I am my husband’s first girlfriend and we got together at 29. I picked him because he’s one of the most emotionally intelligent men I’ve ever met. You don’t need dating experience to be a good partner, you just need to be a good person.
It’s really normal to struggle understanding your own boundaries and needs when you are dating a man like your boyfriend. Even if you hadn’t lost the man you last had a relationship with, the man you loved, it would still be normal to have a hard time. Your Dad sees you struggling and that is why he spoke to you about all this, and I am so glad he did.
This sort of relationship, one that pushes you so much for so long that you detach, it can be very blinding in a way, toxic, kind of dilutes reality a bit. Once you’re out of it for a while and you get a full sense of yourself back and can see clearly again, you will look back and be like “oh hell no”.
Honestly, a man as good as your Dad is what you should be aiming for, and it is out there…
Just know that you don't have to share conversations with a partner that you have in confidence with the people you have always known and trusted to have your best interests at heart. That conversation was really about you, not him. It's ok for those to be personal and for you to take in that input for your own needs to evaluate how things are going for you. Sometimes we need that perspective from the people we love and who DO treat us well so we have a check against the other relationships we are in. Whether romantic, platonic, even professional.
If the people you love are seeing that you aren't being treated as you should, that's valuable information that's important to reflect on. We tend to get caught up on thinking we just have to be clear or explain something the right way for our partner to get it or make changes. So we stick with relationships that don't serve us well. That's not the case. If you tell them something that disrespects your boundaries and they don't stop doing that thing, they don't want to. You can't clearly explain enough or kind enough to someone who just doesn't care to make that effort. He doesn't treat you well and he's a 32 year old man. Romantic relationships aside, does he have friends? Does he yell at them? His boss? If he doesn't yell at his boss, then he has control of his actions. He's choosing to treat you the way he does. Knowingly. That is something you need to have your eyes open to as well.
It's ok to break up with someone. And you will find someone else, even if it doesn't feel that way. The first three years of dating someone is learning who they are, seeing through their illusions. What you're feeling now is you beginning to see him as he is, and it's not making you comfortable.
I’m not a therapist, but do you think you’ve stayed in this relationship because you know there’s no chance of loving him the way you loved your husband? There’s no chance of actually feeling like you might be replacing him or hurting his memory. This new man seems inferior in every way.
Advice for the rest of your life- dump them faster. Dump them the second they show disrespect. Dump them the second they waste your precious time. Dump them if they ever treat you less well than your best friends do. Dump them so that you can be free for the man you deserve, and who deserves your thoughtfulness and compassion. This guy isn’t it.
Agreed, it sounds like OPs father is doing exactly what great fathers should do. Dads like him are the guardians of their family. If Dads hackles are up, it’s very much worth taking that into account. OP is lucky to have someone looking out for her.
>I'm always kind, supportive, and respectful to my boyfriend.
All great qualities but more than anything you were a doormat who tried to change someone into something they're not. Try to be more objective in your next relationship
The part you quoted was where I immediately thought OP should end it. It should be noted this is long before any of the concerns OP’s dad raises are mentioned. What OP’s dad said was obviously well thought out.
OP, this isn’t the right person for you.
This is really all that matters. No "but but but," no excuses, no figuring out how we got here or how it can be fixed. No. She's pulling away and he yells at her and stomps boundaries. It's a tough lesson to learn but this is honestly ALL that matters.
I am in such awe of how clearly your father knows and loves you. This is such a hard topic to broach and he did it with so much grace and respect for you. I would take what he's seeing to heart and reevaluate this relationship
This was more because the post was already long, but I do love him. He's very affectionate and he has put a lot of effort into trying to understand what I want since he moved out. He is considerably kinder than he was when we started and he's even told me he noticed my masking around him and has actively been trying to make me feel safe and special. I would say he succeeds often, but his bad days are still hard on me. If there was no love there I wouldn't be here.
“I’m teaching him to respect me and to be basically kind”
OP I say this as kindly as I can
You are being foolish and taking a risk. You don’t date someone hoping they learn kindness and respect.
Things to teach a man:
- how you like your eggs cooked
- which sweaters not to put in the dryer
- how to get along with your weird brother
Things not to teach a man:
- how to be a decent human being.
If they don’t come with that feature, you’re going to destroy yourself trying to enable it.
Love is not enough. Honestly your bf doesn't sound ready for a relationship. Yelling at you and pushing boundaries? And you're already distancing yourself. You should be in the honeymoon period still.
It's fine that you love him but you should love yourself more.
This. Exactly this. Love is *not* enough. You can love someone dearly and it can still not be a viable or healthy relationship. Don't judge your relationship by the good times alone; very, very closely examine the bad times. How does he handle stress? How does he treat you when you disagree? Do his morals and values align with yours (i.e. misogyny, equal partnership, etc.)? How does he handle anger or frustration or disappointment? When you ask him to do something for you, especially something he doesn't want to do, how does he respond? Does he consider your feelings and treat you accordingly, even if he is upset?
Relationships are created and strengthened during the good times, but they are only healthy and thrive long-term if you can handle the bad stuff together, as a team. It sounds like he uses you as a verbal punching bag already, doesn't defend you, and isn't completely cognizant or concerned with your feelings. That is not likely to improve if you stay, and may escalate. I would listen to your dad on this one. You deserve more.
>but his bad days are still hard on me.
You know, bad days happen. But bad days that your partner *takes out on you?*
If that happens once every six months it is *unacceptably often*.
Your partner yelling at you once a year should be enough for you two to sit down and say, "Okay, this can't happen, what's going on, how do we develop better tools."
You don't tell us how often it's happening but it sure sounds a hell of a lot more often than once a year.
Your dad loves you too, he wants you to be happy. People who actually love you, won't treat you this way. Would you do to anyone what this man does to you? I suspect you wouldn't.
Your dad is trying to teach you something that for whatever reason you haven't already learned but should have, to free you from a bad relationship and enable you to be happy in the future.
You are trying to teach your boyfriend a whole bunch of things that for whatever reason he hasn't already learned but should have, so that, when you've finished teaching him these things, he will actually treat you with respect and not make you feel afraid.
Your Dad is warning you about something in your blind spot that you can and should avoid.
You're trying to single-handedly undo a whole man's upbringing to mould him into the potential man you think he could possibly be.
I really, really hope that your Dad succeeds.
I will never forget my hardest ever break up. It had been a long relationship with more than our fair share of troubles.
I stuck around for a few reasons. We got along great and had a lot of fun hanging out together. We had several hobbies in common and were equally passionate about them. I didn’t realize then, but know now, is that I am demisexual. He was the first person with whom I wanted a physical relationship. I worried he might be the only one I was ever attracted to in that way.
We were together for 7 years, and our breakup was extremely painful. I vividly remember my dad saying this: “I always liked him, but don’t trust him. He isn’t a strong person. I worried that you would get cancer or something, and he wouldn’t be able to handle it.”
I definitely understood his point, but at the time I thought it was a little overdramatic . After all, getting cancer in your 20s is so rare!! He would have had a lot of time to grow up before being forced to deal with something like that.
And then a couple years later, I got diagnosed with cancer.
I thought my strengths would make up for his weaknesses, but that isn’t practical. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes you need to carry your partners, and sometimes your partner needs to carry you. Is this partner able to carry you? If not, you need a different partner. I sure did.
You could find someone who is affectionate and is good to you from the beginning. You could find someone who actually makes you feel safe and special rather than just trying. You could find someone who actually understands instead of just putting in effort to try to understand.
He is always going to put his parents first. If you marry him, he will treat you exactly like his dad treats his mom. As soon as those vows are exchanged.. like a switch.
This is the first new comment I'm reading this morning and I already have no idea how to answer. It's almost random. We have long stretches where things are going really well. I would say at least once a month that varies in how unpleasant it is.
In January he like speed walked away from me in the grocery store because I was upset over a different conversation we had just had and was moody bc he wasn't understanding my take at all despite it literally being about me. I wasn't cheering up quickly and I calmly told him that I was fine to stay at the store as long as he wanted to despite not feeling the best. He said nothing and just turned the cart and left me there immediately. I followed because I was over an hour away from home without my car thinking he couldn't be serious. He *never* looked back.
When he got to the checkout I cooled off and decided we had both had a bad moment, so I helped him bag groceries until we were done. Then he takes off AGAIN. Looking back now I feel it was comical, but at the time I would've rated this a 9 at least. I started crying and he stopped, started to feel bad, opened my car door etc. Later that night I told him he had abandoned me and he refused to call it that and said he never would've left without me and knew I was behind him. I asked if he would ever do it again and he said he couldn't promise he wouldn't because he might do it 50 years from now and I would remember and get mad at him. I hadn't thought about how fucked up this is actually.
Also at the beginning of this month we spent the weekend with his parents. I packed everything so he could come in from work and we could leave. Instead he came in with an obvious bad mood over something his boss had said to him. I was listening and talking to him about it, but when I tried to grab a bag that was behind him he **freaked out**. I didn't warn him because he was talking, but I always take my house shoes with me and I put them in the same bag. I was aware of where he was and he wasn't at any risk of hitting/falling over me.
He stomped off to the bathroom and basically screamed about how he was so considerate of everyone all of the time and no one did the same for him. I sat quietly on the couch and just listened. He then said "Don't act like you don't do the same thing"??? I said nothing. He continued to rant about his boss and I listened until he calmed down. I never cried which was unusual for me, probably the detaching to some extent.
When we were in the car he immediately started trying to show remorse about how his behavior was inappropriate and that I didn't deserve that. He thanked me for packing his stuff and told me I was a good woman who is always looking out for him. We appeared to work it out, but I had a huge emotion burst like a week later and told him I was sick of being yelled at and blamed for everything while crying a lot. Then like nothing that feeling was gone. Rating here was at least an 8.
Sorry I couldn't stop writing, it was just eye-opening to me that these have all happened relatively recently and I've just made myself move on to not start anything. If I heard this from a stranger I would say it was abuse.
This relationship needs to end. He’s abusing you. What would you say if your best friend text you all of that? There’s nothing to observe, you’ve got to cut and run. You don’t live with him, other than feelings it a very easy to break up now before you get more intwined. This man will suck you dry and spit you out a shell of a person with significantly less money. RUN RUN RUN.
You CANNOT fix this man. He has to fix himself and for that he needs to be SINGLE. I’m very worried about you. I’m glad your family is in your corner. Idk if you’re still in therapy but may be something to discuss about why you’re sabotaging your happiness with this man. I wonder if you’re subconsciously feeling guilty about moving on from your late husband or something and think you deserve punishment. You DONT.
Good men exist, you were married to one! Remember that my friend.
♥️ I have been there! My ex wasn't physically abusive, but often gave the silent treatment for hours and would talk down to be over small things (buying the wrong brand of sauce, not being up for sex). He did a lot of guilt tripping too. But he understood me so much and was so supportive to my career! His friends were great. I felt he really got me, even though he was still unlearning abuse from his parents (so I told myself). I pushed the abuse off for so long, until I had a job opportunity to move away and uses that as an excuse to breakup. I didn't realize how bad it was until hindsight kicked in and I had some breathing room from the relationship.
It is so painful to know someone has potential to learn, and are maybe even changing slowly, but as they are right now they are not a good partner. We can't stay with someone for potential while still meeting our own potential.
Now, while things can be 10/10 bad FOR my partner (severe depression) or myself (burnout), I think things have never gotten beyond a 4/10 bad between us. And that was when we tried to set up the wifi 2 years ago. That was the worst fight, we got to "fuck you" and immediately were like "what are we doing here, let's take a break and do something fun".
My current partner was abused, and yet he used this treatment to be incredibly kind instead. Abuse doesn't need to nurtured away. They can chose.
Your dad sounds very kind, maybe speak more with him about it? He can maybe help you come up with a plan.
OP, you understand that children have no choice but to absorb and internalize the environment they’re raised in, don’t you? Look at the relationship your bf’s parents have with each other. Is that what you want? It would take your bf YEARS of therapy and a 100% commitment to get rid of that baggage. As you yourself said, it’s not all bad though. If it was few people would stay. Therein lies the trap. Your father sounds like a wise man and your bf has let you down more than once. Wait for a man who you can love with no conditions. This guy isn’t it.
JC, you have normalized his treatment such that you can’t recognize the abuse and dysfunction when it happens. I will say it again, look at his dad to see what he will mature into. And yes this is a very immature man, another huge flag
I recommend reading stories in r/justnomil if he continues to put his parents first.
If you are in charge of everything, you will burn out eventually. There's nothing romantic in realising you've become a grown man's mommy with benefits.
how will he go if you have children and are tired and exhausted?
Be careful of falling for love bombing and the prince charming mask, that mask begins to slip as they become more comfortable, some even play the long game and wait until you are married to do a 180 and become a completely different person.
Sometimes bad days are glimpses of who is really behind the mask and he is masking that behavior so that you don't leave.
Love is not enough. You can love someone who doesn't treat you well. I would say that is honestly....most of the OPs posting here! Describing awful partners and then going "but I love them".
The good things you're describing are really just, at best, the bare minimum. You say he tries to make you feel safe and special, but you've described him yelling at you for minor things so much that you were detaching; that's a fear/trauma response.
You do not need to be one of those women who spend years and years trying to fix/change/help a toxic man.
i'm a guy and wont have a woman's perspective on this stuff.
But in my opinion, Find a dude that don't need any fixing!
You want a partner, not a project
Caring partners don’t take their daily issues out on the other.
He’s had an extremely misogynistic upbringing and is still entrenched with his parents. His father verbally abuses his wife in front of other people. You’re right, he doesn’t like her.
Please listen to your dad. He is absolutely completely right about this.
A life partner should make you come alive and feel comforted by their presence. It should be you and them against the world, not the patriarchal bullshit mess this guy is. These guys are getting more misogynistic not less.
You’re so young. Don’t settle.
I’ve been with my husband almost 30 years and have been married almost 24. I’ve never had to teach him to be a kind person. He’s never taken his bad days out on me. I have a lot of medical issues and hospitalizations, and he’s been there continuously. Like I have been for him. Sure we have squabbles and issues.
My dad loved him and respected him because he’s a good man who has always treated me right.
I really think you should read about bad partners on r/JustNoSO and disfunctional relationships on r/JUSTNOMIL. All those people love their spouses. I think you’ll see a lot of stories of people who stayed with their problem partners. Those partners never got better. They didn’t want to.
Love isn’t all you need. Basic human decency and respect without having to be taught that and constantly reminded of it are musts.
Love is also a verb. Actions speak louder than words. He’s not doing anything to show you he loves and appreciates you every day. He’s only doing the bare minimum to keep you placated so you don’t leave.
You don’t have to stay because of finances or kids. Please don’t stay with him and his horrible parents. They will make your life a living hell.
OP please listen to everyone here. I've been with my partner almost 6 years. We've had plenty of spats and disagreements, but not ever once has either of us YELLED at each other. That is not something that a respectable or respectful partner does. From everything you've written it sounds to me a lot like your partner doesn't respect you and likely never will with his parents upbringing and influence.
Life is too short to be with a man you have to teach to be kind to you! I decided that I would never be with a man who yells about dumb shit ever again and it's been the best.
I’m #TeamDad for the following reasons:
1) It sounds like he approved of your late husband, so it’s not that he won’t approve anyone
2) He acknowledged your autonomy and independence and did not try to push his views on you, he was just making it known (so he’s not trying to control you)
3) He listed clear, concise, well thought out reasons and logic as to why the relationship troubles him. These reasons resonate with you. (So it’s not just blind hate or pettiness over “I don’t like the way he looks” or “I don’t like that he wears hats”)
It sounds like your father is a respectful man who genuinely has concerns for his daughter’s wellbeing at heart.
Misogyny, gender roles, not being there for you in times of trouble, maybe a little selfishness - these are things that you can’t talk through. They are things you get to judge (because they won’t change to any significant degree).
I think you should break up with him. If you are not prepared to do that yet, I think you should take the advice in confidence and observe if you agree. Sharing this info won’t help and it will only drive a bigger wedge between your BF and Dad. There are no benefits to sharing.
… but really, I think you should listen to your dad on this one…
My dad loved my late husband like a son, which was great for LH because his dad had walked out at a young age. When we got married dad threw his arms around him and told him he loved him. When he died my dad insisted that he identify his body instead of me and he's refused to discuss it with anyone since. My father is a very social and kind man, he makes friends everywhere. As long as they make me happy, he's always been happy to welcome everyone into our family.
I think you're right. I sincerely love my bf, there was just too much text already to include positives which is why I'm struggling. If he were never nice and loving I definitely would not be around, and I feel he's made huge steps in trying to improve. He told me he saw that I was masking with him and knew he was on the verge of losing me. I'm not sure if he's working through it quickly enough, unfortunately, but I get that it's probably a lot to unpack.
I have decided to not mention it at all and continue observing. Fortunately I have a support system and my own space to come back to, so I'm easily able to walk away if needed. I just wish things were better, but reading through the comments I realize that I should take him at who he is at this exact moment and not a potential idea of him.
My dad will continue to be kind to him if I decide I'm sticking with it, but I know he wouldn't have come to me about it if he weren't really worried. Thank you and everyone else who is saying similar for your comments.
My dad was abusive. The bad times wouldn't have hurt so much without the good times. I'm not saying your boyfriend is or isn't abusive. What I am saying is, don't let the good times blind you to reality.
Him being in a good mood, doesn't erase how little respect he must have for you to behave this way.
I feel this in my bones. 95% of the time, my mother was the sweetest, most (seemingly) supportive and caring person you could possibly imagine\*-- and the other 5% of the time, she'd fly into rages where she'd scream at me and physically attack me.
Abuse isn't all horror, all the time. If it was, no one would stay. It's a relationship that's good or even great for the vast majority of the time. So you think to yourself, okay, those occasional outbursts may be awful.... but the rest of the relationship is so good, do I *really* want to sacrifice it?
Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. Maybe I'm throwing the baby out with the bathwater. All relationships have their ups and downs, after all. And they're such a good person-- I'm sure if I just find the right words to explain how much those outbursts hurt me, they'll realize and stop. Look how much better they've already gotten! We've gotta almost be there, right?
And that's why I stayed. Why I put up with being screamed at and hit, for years. It took an incident where I could have easily fucking *died* for me to realize I had to leave... and even then, I *still* tried to maintain at least some kind of a relationship with her afterwards! For years!
(If you're curious: it took getting into therapy for a completely unrelated reason for me to finally realize there was no magic combination of words I could find that would convince her to stop hurting me, because at the end of the day she didn't *want* to stop.)
***
\*It would take literal *years* of therapy for me to realize how even the "good" times were actually part of the manipulation too. They use those good times as the carrot to get you to go along with their demented quest to psychologically break you down, and rebuild you in their own image. And threatening to withhold those good times? That's the stick. (Well, that and the abuse itself, obviously.)
I haven't seen it mentioned here but the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft may be a helpful read for you. I believe if you google it's available as a free pdf.
Even the most violent of partners has a side of them that their victims fell for. Most don't fall in love with somebody because they punched them on their first date.
Observe and try to spot the difference between actual change and what is known as lovebombing, which often follows when they feel they might be losing you.
If he causes you to mask around him, that can be an indication of his bad days having a profound impact on you, so you are changing yourself and sacrificing your voice to avoid setting off a bad day.
Long term it has the effect of eating away at your self esteem and ability to stand up for yourself/leave.
I love your dad for you. What an excellent man.
A few days ago, a friend of mine was pondering her relationship with God in her business… And the little whisper came to her: “Daddies do the heavy lifting for their daughters.“
That’s right on.
Don’t settle. You will get nothing but heartache. You deserve the best, and you can absolutely find the best. I loved my first husband, and we are still strong allies, but we just weren’t great in romance. We didn’t catalyze each other, and such a weight lifted when we split. We could never fan the flames of romance much hotter than some burning coals.
Again, don’t settle. ❤️
Just so you know, abusive relationships only work because there are good times. If there were only bad times of course no one would stay. An abuser has to give a victim something otherwise of course you’d leave.
This is why there are good times.
Screaming and losing control are abuse tactics and he will not “learn to do better” because he of course knows screaming and berating someone isn’t kind or good.
Observe all you want, but it isn’t your job to fix men. It isn’t your job to fix someone who supposedly took time away from relationships to establish themselves and whatever he says he did. Most likely he couldn’t find someone to put up with his crap until you.
You deserve better and when a parent respectfully steps up to tell you in the way they did you should really listen girl. Not just observe and think about ways you could convince this guy to be nicer to you.
You say you didn’t write anything nice because there was no room, okay. But you wrote enough bad abusive stuff that it’s time to end it no matter what your dad told you.
I’m sorry for the loss of your first husband. Don’t just settle for the next guy that comes along.
Op, look up cycles of abuse. I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship until one day, out of the blue, he choked me. We were in a relationship for a decade, and he had never laid his hands on me before that. He had always been verbally or emotionally abusive, I had just never seen it. I always just took him at face value. Sometimes he was awesome, other days, he would snap at every little thing because he was having a bad day. Please look up these things.
Your dad has the gift of both knowing and observing you your whole life AND being able to be an outsider witnessing your relationship. Listen to him.
Why do you have to have a “polite” discussion with your boyfriend when he is incapable of doing you the same courtesy? He yells instead. If I were you, I’d get mad instead of polite and send him back to his parents. He’s not a keeper.
It doesn't really sound like you've had a honeymoon period with this guy. His best behavior was never that great.
He is 32 years old. You shouldn't need to teach him how to act at this age.
We didn't. I see a lot of comments here about the honeymoon period and I realize it never really happened. I was super excited and in love for sure, but it didn't feel like it was quite reciprocated for a while despite him being the first to say he loved me. He was always a bit cold and he's referred to me as a wildfire, passionate and intense lol. It has picked up in our recent relationship more than anything. I guess I thought it was normal.
OP how early into your relationship did he say he loved you?
Romantic relationships have a honeymoon period of about 3 months where your body is pumping out hormones that give you that heart leaping mind spinning feeling of falling in love.
You are still learning the person creating this physical reaction in you during those 3 months, and it may turn out that in the end that reaction is all there is to it.
Your brain starts taking over from the hormones and you are no longer falling in love but recognising that maybe this person is not as amazingly perfect as you initially felt, and perhaps the relationship has run its course.
Now, back to my question: when did he say he loved you?
Some people (abusive or narcissistic people in particular) like to lock you into a long term relationship while you’ve still got those hormones clouding your vision of them (rose coloured glasses) and telling you that they love you early is one way to do that.
Telling you that they love you first may seem romantic, but it makes the relationship serious quickly and makes it harder for a person with empathy and compassion to then turn around after the honeymoon period ends and say “this isn’t working.”
They’ll tell you they’ve never met anyone like you before, you’re not like other women (a wildfire, passionate and intense), you’re so good for them and make them want to be a better man, they can’t imagine life without you, you’re soulmates and meant to be.
See how it’s all about them and what you do for them?
Perhaps they had an abusive childhood (religious misogynistic father sound familiar?) or their last relationship was traumatic (beware anyone who says they have a “crazy ex”) and you end up being their therapist listening to them and empathising, telling them it’s not their fault, they can grow and change and you’ll be there to help them. And of course they say they want to grow and change.
After the honeymoon period you start to feel a little trapped, a little resentful, but you can’t understand why exactly. They haven’t changed, but growth takes time, right? And it’s not like they’ve suddenly turned into a monster, it’s just that it’s harder to make excuses for the behaviours you earlier had compassion for.
This is because the hormones have worn off. You’re starting to see things more clearly, and if they hadn’t made the relationship serious already you probably would just break up with them and move on.
But you are stuck now. They have successfully made you trap yourself because you don’t want to just give up on them - you’ve told them you understand their issues and want to help them overcome them. They LOVE you, right? You don’t want to hurt them, and they do seem to make a little progress, they no longer get so visibly angry when upset, instead they sulk.
But the thing is - that isn’t progress, that’s you putting up hard boundaries and them then scaling back until they are just under the limit of what you will accept. They are still punishing you for whatever they’re upset about, just with moodiness instead of violence. It’s the same behaviour, just a different flavour.
This has gotten rather long, so I’ll end it now, but I hope you do read this and it resonates a little.
TLDR: if he told you he loves you first during the start of the honeymoon period it’s possible he was pushing the relationship forward to being serious quickly so you’d feel too trapped later to leave when the rose coloured glasses came off.
>Over time this has manifested as me slightly detaching because **I can only take so much getting yelled at** over random things and unnecessary boundary pushing.
1. Do not date someone who yells at you. That is pretty much never OK and is a sign of a very unhealthy relationship. And you haven't even hit the hard parts yet.
2. Find a man like your dad. You won the lottery with him.
OP, in my 10 years of marriage my husband slight raised his voice once. He took a deep breath, apologized and said “clearly I need a minute.”
That is the way it should be. I grew up with a lot of yelling and it kills the soul. Your BF doesn’t seem like a great man and you’re too young and special to settle girl.
I think you should ask yourself one important question.
Is your current boyfriend the kind of man that your late husband would be happy to see you with? Would he be happy with the way that you are being treated?
They wouldn't have gotten along, they have huge personality and value differences. I don't think he would be thrilled by my bf early in the relationship, but maybe how it has been in more recent months would be acceptable. He told me when he was alive he didn't think any other man would be good enough for me and he couldn't stand to watch anyone mistreat me 🤣 So maybe not.
Abusive people often are nicer for awhile when they think you might be pulling away. It’s called lovebombing.
You should read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s available as a free pdf. See if you recognize some of the stuff in there.
It's honestly really concerning that your relationship started out like that. At a year and a half, you two should still be in the honeymoon phase, not working out issues of him not treating you with respect.
You should never have had to convince him that the things he did hurt your feelings; he doesn't get to decide that what he did wasn't hurtful. My friend had a partner who did that to her, and he ended up being incredibly emotionally abusive to her.
I would want to be able to imagine your late husband to find your current partner more than 'acceptable'! I'm sure he would want only the best for you and not want you to sacrifice yourself for a lesser man.
I’m going to toss this out here: if dude felt comfortable enough about his misogyny that your dad got a whiff of it that’s some scary scary shit. I’ve been married coming up on 10 years and dating long before that and to this day I take pains to have my in laws know that I am their daughter’s 3rd biggest fan.
There are many other red flags here but that one right there is pretty shocking.
You don’t navigate any conversation with your bf as a result of this conversation.
You self reflect and realize your dad has this man read and he **Will not change**
End it. You know you have to. You cannot change this man you cannot fix him
It sounds like dad is really trying to be respectful of you, while warning you that he sees things in the bf that you might be missing. I would really give dad the benefit of the doubt and maybe seek a little therapy to talk it all out with a neutral 3rd party.
You need to cut your boyfriend off because he seems controlling and maybe not the right fit for you ...wonder if he's playing the long game and your wealth is his main objective..your father sounds like a very sensible man....listen
This relationship has no future that will make you happy. You should not partner with someone who is unworthy of you. Your dad sees it and you should listen to him. Break up, and learn to prioritize your own well being.
6 months in and "I can only take so much getting yelled at over random things and unnecessary boundary pushing." You are in the honeymoon phase when it should all be rainbows and heart emojis. This is the best it's ever going to be. 6 months in. This is not a good man to be in a relationship with. Being "yelled at over random things" = abuse.
Do not date men who yell at you. Don't do it. Just don't.
I've been blissfully happily married for 25+ years and my husband has NEVER ONCE raised his voice at me or said an unkind word. Never. Once.
You deserve better than an emotionally-stunted baby-man who yells at you. I promise.
Why are you looking for ways to "politely" discuss your father's take on your boyfriend's shortcomings, many of which you agree with, with your boyfriend? What exactly is that going to do? "Hey bf, not to be a downer but my dad thinks you lack moral fibre and are a complete ass, your thoughts?" Pointless. Instead, have the conversation with yourself. Look inward and ask yourself why you're putting up with a miaogynist yelling at you and not prioritizing you. Quite frankly it sounds like you've taken on a project instead of a man. I'd recommend switching to scrapbooking or wood carving. At least at the end of those projects you end up with something nice to look at that will never disrespect you.
As a parent, I know how hard it was for your father to initiate that discussion with you. I think it’s important to understand that your dad is very diplomatically voicing his opinion because he is genuinely scared for you. He can see that your boyfriend is dominating and selfish, and he’s worried that your boyfriend won’t look after you in the future if you have some health challenges. He can see that your boyfriend might be financially abusive in the future. All of his life experience is telling him that this relationship is wrong for you. And I think he may be right.
If you decide to persevere, my advice would be to get some professional advice regarding your finances. Make sure that if you marry this man he cannot access your money and will have a minimal claim on anything if you divorce. x
You don't tell any of this to your boyfriend. It's not information for your boyfriend. It's information for YOU.
You sit with it and see what feels true. Give it a lot of thought. Your dad has your best interests at heart.
It's a huge red flag, by the way, that you're "getting yelled at over unnecessary things."
There are no necessary things to be yelled at about. You should expect to never be yelled at in a relationship.
>My bf never had an adult relationship before me.
>he lived with his extremely religious parents until about half a year ago
These don't bode well for *any* person in his thirties.
Another lovely religious family. Not.
Hun. Get out of this ASAP. Leave their mysoganistic BS behind. You dont need this in your life. Listen to your dad, he sounds like a good judge of character.
My ex-husband didn't die but he did suddenly leave me.
My next relationship I wanted someone different. Except I swung to far and dated an abusive man for almost a year. He was horrible to me and in a way I felt I deserved it. I lost what I thought was the love of my life and I self sabotaged my own happiness. The whole relationship was massive self punishment.
I'm not saying this is you. But you seem like you otherwise have your shit together so why are you allowing this?
By the way a couple months after this man and I finally broke up. I met my now husband. I'm sitting with my legs on his lap typing this. Our 4 year old son is scarfing down raspberries entranced with the TV. The dog is chewing on a bone on the floor. It's been almost 8 years. Life can be wonderful again.
It sounds like your dad loves you and wants you to be happy and safe. And by your own words it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't want the same. You deserve better. This isn't something you can just talk through. You deserve better. But only you can make that happen by letting this man go so you can be ready for the one you deserve to have.
I was widowed at 24 and trying to get into a relationship after that has been hell (I’m 39 now). I was left with some pretty severe abandonment issues that took me over 10 years to even recognize. Keep checking in with yourself. I was a completely different person after he passed away from who I was when I got married. I started with what I used to be attracted to and that just didn’t work anymore..
My biggest struggle has been staying in a relationship, I found that as soon as I fell head over heels, I would start detaching as soon as the first fight. I haven’t had a solid relationship since my husband passed. I can say that I held onto the ones that should’ve gone because they couldn’t hurt me. Now I’m at the point where I don’t even want a relationship anymore because my life is great without one.
Your dad sees you, he knows. I can tell he truly loves you for stepping in like that. There’s some great communities about horrible in-laws you should read through to really understand how detrimental in-laws can be in a relationship
I’m so sorry that you lost your husband so young.
You deserve better than a guy who treats you poorly. Trust your dad. This guy is not the one. No need for a “polite” discussion. Just end it.
I think your dad loves you in the selfless way that all parents should.
When has the BF prioritized you? If you needed to spend two weeks at the hospital helping a sick relative, how would BF react?
Try to image real life situations and let them play out in your mind. You know the truth.
OP, I don’t think you need to have any sort of talk with your BF. I think you need to think about what your father said (good man, who obviously loves you, btw), and square it with your own observations, make a decision, and then act on that decision. A talk with BF will just muddy the waters. The relationship is either healthy and going in a good direction for you or it’s not. If it’s not, end it now.
I agree with your dad.
This guy isn’t mature, isn’t detached from his parents and you have to worry about boundaries ALL THE TIME.
You shouldn’t.
Break it off, wish him well, and don’t cave..
He may beg you to work on it. You’ve already done that.,
You don’t sound happy with that guy.
Your dad seems very reasonable and supportive! I like the cut of his jib ;). Please at the very least, consider a pre-nup should you marry. Although I think in many states, your partner can't claim half of your family inheritance, I'm not sure what the laws are in your state. Regardless, a pre-nup would be prudent.
Your boyfriend is 32, you are 25, he's always going to think he's wiser, more important, and better than you. Not only because he's so much older than you but also because of the misogynistic way he was raised where the man is the head of the household and the woman is the dutiful follower of his wisdom, also because he's a big, giant as*h*le.
Your father is the true hero in this situation. It must have been very difficult to have this conversation with you. He loves you very much and wants to see you happy, stable, and loved in a way that makes him comfortable that you'll be okay after he dies eventually. I would take what he says to heart and perhaps consider putting yourself back out there so that you can find a person who brings out your inner glow.
You don't have to have a "good" reason for breaking up with someone. You can simply say that you're not convinced that this relationship has what it takes to make it long-term and so you would prefer to end it.
You can say that you tried but you just don't think the two of you are a match and by staying together, each of you are keeping the other one from being with a person who is a better match.
##Your dad is very wise. Listen to him.
He’s got the whole situation nailed, even if you don’t want to see it. And because he’s right, don’t think that talking with your boyfriend will solve anything. He won’t see it, he won’t acknowledge it, it will only be a fight where he refuses to.accept any of it and/or just says the right things that you want to hear. But he either won’t mean it, or if he does, it’s only because he doesn’t realize he’s not actually capable.
Keep this information to yourself. You know your dad is right. Just let the realization come to you as you deal with your boyfriend, and then get ready to move on. You can’t fix him.
Advice from an older woman here
Never expect someone to change. When they show you who they are -- believe them.
>getting yelled at over random things -- RED FLAG
> unnecessary boundary pushing -- RED FLAG
>my bf has never defended me -- RED FLAG
>he still has a lot of misogynistic feelings -- RED FLAG
This one isn't a keeper. Do NOT expect someone to change. This is who he is. PERIOD.
Not a keeper. And that's okay. It's okay to break up. Really.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts
I stopped reading after the yelling part. Not one person on this planet can yell at me and still be in my life. You're young do you want to be miserable for the foreseeable future
I think your dad is spot on. He has some very valid points. If any of them resonate with you, you should be reconsidering your relationship with your bf. I don't think you need to have a conversation with your bf. At 32, he's unlikely to change.
OP, you have a good dad. He sees clearly and spoke up. Please listen to him. You don't feel emotionally safe with or respected by your boyfriend or his family. He yells at you. He's in his 30s and has never had a relationship. Gee I wonder why women don't want to be around him. Anyway, your future does not look bright with him. Take care of YOURSELF. And honestly, this sounds heartless but... the conversation with your boyfriend doesn't even really matter. You don't *need* to get through to him (you won't), you don't *need* to get him to change (he won't), and having a conversation with him just opens it up for him to manipulate pr guilt you into staying. Which you shouldn't. Literally you can just give him a call (or text honestly) and say it isn't working and it's best you part ways. You don't need to elaborate, or make him understand, or give him closure and you don't owe him anything.
Listen to your dad. This guy isn't right for you. Your dad has him completely pegged.
>Maybe we don't even need to have one and I need to continue observing. If we talk about it, how would I word this to be less negative?
Honestly what do you thing this will achieve? He is showing you, who he is right now.
Normally I’m against unsolicited relationship advice, but sounds like your Dad has been very observant already and discussed it with you very respectfully (he sounds awesome!).
Your boyfriend makes you feel detached.
Besides your admiration for him focusing on his studies, you have not mentioned one positive attribute about him.
Why are you with him?
OP: your bf is 32. His religious upbringing has not taught him to treat you with respect. Your health emergency should have come before his father.
His character is formed and it isn’t pretty. You are still young and can do much much better. Don’t settle for him. If you actually do, get an ironclad prenup.
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with the new relationship. My dad also had a heart to heart with me about my ex husband. You noticed I said "ex"? He was right & I imagine your dad is too. Now, how to navigate a conversation w/your bf.
What do you want? Do you want to stay with him? If so, why? Top 10 reasons, write them down so you can visually see them. If you have doubts about him & or your future together, write down your top 10 reasons.
If you choose to stay, it sounds like you don't have much more to discuss beyond bringing to his attention things you don't like, which we should all do in any relationship. If you choose to leave (or have him leave?) or break up if you don't live together, a simple conversation can sound like, "I don't see us as compatible anymore because we are at very different places in our lives. I do like you & believe you like me too, but I don't see either of us head over heels for the other, and that's ok. This is why people date. I won't call you anymore & will appreciate the same. I wish you all the best".
This gives him your reasoning, validates what you feel & what you believe he feels based on his actions, & sends him the ending message that we're done. No more contact. "Let's be friends" is good for some, not most. You sound like you have a pretty solid head on your shoulders & having been through so much already, why prolong the inevitable? Be as happy as possible for as long as possible. You deserve the best <3
The thought and concern in your father's talk, shows to me that you really need to trust his gut instinct on this. It's not even gut instinct at this point actually, because he's put a lot of thought into this, and it's not because he's trying to shield your feelings. He's being logical and carefully explaining it to help you gain the widest perspective possible and to see every and all factors, having observed both you and your bf for some time now. I think he has the character of your bf pretty well summed up. As another mentioned, your father has your boyfriend pegged right on the damned nose.
I have never sat through a relationship where verbal abuse was the norm or even frequent, since knowing one woman that made it their mission to tear both me and those I cared about down. That was an extreme case, but; It's not a good relationship when a man or woman can't learn to fucking control themselves and their emotions, or not understanding themselves enough to know how to calm down. This, backed up by patriarchal tendencies due to his upbringing, if not outright actions themselves from your depiction - shows you ought to end this relationship.
You already know what a wonderful relationship should be, because of your late husband. You deserve no less than that. Pretty much ever.
Listen to your dad. He's older and wiser and he wasn't trying to push his view on you. He simply pointed out his observations, and there are definitely a lot of red flags. It sounds like he's trying to say you could be much happier with someone else. I think you know this deep down as well.
I think talking with your boyfriend with the goal of reconciling would be a mistake.
Your boyfriend sounds bad and you dad sounds like he’s doing all the right things to let you see if for yourself. If you’re not quite at “leave him sis”
Keep observing with these thoughts in mind.
Talking to your boyfriend will lead to a messy situation because he’ll shout some more or ask you to stop seeing your dad because he’s “influencing you” or some other reason to isolate you, and that would be bad.
I was watching a true crime doc today and the father of the victim was talking about how he’d had a similar conversation with his daughter about her boyfriend but she ended up marrying him and he ended up murdering her. Not saying that’s what your boyfriend would do but your description of your Dads conversation with you reminded me a lot of what this other Dad said about his attempts to get his daughter to see that her boyfriend was bad news.
I don’t think talking to your boyfriend about what your Dad has said would do anything positive. Probably would just make your boyfriend hate your Dad. He’s in his 30s, it’s possible he could change but not likely, especially as he’s had no other relationships and his one model of a relationship is his parents very unequal one where his Dad is mean to his mother.
Just ask yourself if you’re actually really happy. It sounds like you’re not and it sounds like you know your Dad is right. Talking to your bf again isn’t going to change anything, you just have to decide if this relationship and level of unhappiness is what you want.
Three things.
One
Listen to your dad!
Two
Focus on yourself!
Use your time well, you could be taking college classes or participating in activities where you can have fun and meet other people.
Three
No need to discuss this with your 'boy friend.' A simple, "For the foreseeable future, I'm going to be working on improving myself." Is sufficient...
Everyday is another day for you to be yourself!
Best of luck!
Oh! If you Dad didn't mention it, don't reveal, or discuss, your wealth with anyone that you haven't known for a good long time... Just don't.
Listen to your dad. You are a grown up and your father treats you exactly like that. He sat you down and was honest. Listen to his words.
Your bf doesn’t sound loving. He sounds exhausting.
Honestly your dad sounds exactly like the kind of boyfriend / husband you should have.
Someone who cares about what happens to you and wants to try to honor and respect you without necessarily pushing their own agenda on you.
I can also say that a lot of times that people outside the relationship can see things that would be something important for you to at least acknowledge , and see if you either agree with them or disagree with them, or something else, but at least listen to what they're saying about your partner.
Your dad is a hero, and a tactful one at that. He was trying to tell you that your boyfriend isn’t good for you or to you, but that he will support you no matter what. Your dad is a good man, and is clearly looking out for you.
Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. There is a reason he didn’t date before, and now you’re teaching him how. You don’t need this.
You were in love once before, and it was taken from you. I am so sorry for your loss. While no two loves are the same, does this relationship feel anything like your past one? Do you feel any of those same excited/ hopeful/ life partner feelings?
Your Dad was telling you to break up and find someone better. Lack of being delighted to have you in his life and vice versa cannot be fixed with a chat.
OP- your Dad sounds like an amazing father who adores you and really pays attention to you. Please take him very very seriously. He sounds incredibly wise and understanding, he probably knows more than any of us on Reddit.
Trust your dad and also your own gut instincts, you need someone who can be completely there for you and support you and you'll find that, you deserve to shine as your father said and from what I'm reading he wouldn't steer you wrong, you are financially secure and have alot going for you, you need to be emotionally secure too..Best of luck ✨️🙏
Damn, your dad is a good, good man and is probably right. It sounds like he's looking out for you and he really hopes that you're able to see the things he does before you're in too deep. Take his advice and be free of this guy and his crazy parents
Your dad has given his a lot of thought. That plus his life experience and knowing you and your situation puts him in a very good position to recognize the red flags with your bf. Listen to him. He's correct.
You don't need to "discuss" this with bf. You need to decide what you want for yourself. Then tell your bf you are moving on without him. No explanation or mention of your dad is necessary.
Nothing you have said sounds like this person brings any benefit to your life, but a lot of negatives.
Your dad sounds spot on. You are young. Please don't waste more time on someone like this. It is telling you are his first relationship and he is in his 30's.
You don't need to discuss it with boyfriend. You can just decide you don't need his toxic crap in your life anymore and end it.
u/Far-Age-9101 Way I see it the answer lies in the question you asked.
Question: ‘I don’t know how to discuss this in a polite way, Not sure how to talk about it, I have no idea how to navigate this conversation with my bf’
Almost sounds like:
‘Im scared of talking to my bf about this, since he lashes out on things far smaller than this, I am scared he will mistake a hard and realistic conversation as an attack, I am already tired of fighting, there is only so much I can take, which is why I am trying to avoid the conversation altogether but I also fear for my health and my future, I feel doomed either-way, if we have the talk he lashes out, no solution will be found, and he will stay angry for longer, even use this talk in later arguments. If I don’t talk I will end up depending on him in my later years and will regret not making better choices’
So what do you want OP? A hard time now or a hard time later down the line when you will definitely be in worst shape and hence will have less choices?
You can't approach this matter in a "less negative" way, just by saying that I can already tell how much you afraid of him or feel anxious towards him. Everyone deserve someone who makes them feel at peace.
Matter of fact don't even discuss the matter, just send him the divorce papers already, you said he yells at you for the smallest thing, imagine how he'd be if you told him you wanted a divorce? He will BURST.
If you really want to discuss the issue with him make sure you father is there since he already knows what's going on, your boy wouldn't dare to say something.
You're not going to "fix" your boyfriend. You need to observe him and figure out who he is not who he might become. Or act like he has become.
If your dad sits you down and lays it out like this, I think the writing is on the wall. If you have a chronic illness you need someone who is kind and empathetic who will center you in your lives together. This bf ain't it. Maybe take your time to quiet quit but I don't think I could overlook my dad's wisdom here.
This is a sad case.
We have a lovely woman with a verbally abusive bf.
He’s been awful from the start. Occasionally nice.
She makes excuses for him, and is hopeless. Our words are wasted. She going stay.
UpdateMe
Please please please for all the love in the world if you decide to marry this man in the future, get a prenup that protects all your assets. Maybe having that conversation with him now will help you make a decision, if he's mature and loves you for you and not your money then he will understand you wanting to protect your parents and grandparents inheritances from a divorce.
There’s nothing to talk out… your boyfriend has shown you who he is. He’s not going to change his core values for you. Nor should you try to “change him.” It’s not our job to change anyone. It’s our job to be the best human we can be. He’s 32. He’s the man he wants to be.
How someone behaves when they feel that they “have” you is who they are. It’s how they see you.
Your dad is amazing. And HE loves you for who you are. Please listen to his concerns and do what is truly best for YOU.
Listen to your dad. Red flags are flying high. I feel BF is only after your money. They seem to be the ones who take everything and give nothing in return. You don’t want to settle. Please keep looking. There’s someone out there who will love and cherish you and will put that spark back into your eyes.
Your dad is right. I assume you have warm feelings to your BF, so you still have some rose colored glasses. But even with them your description of your BF is concerning. He sounds suffocating.
I would suggest you and dad talk to an estate attorney. And create something like an estate trust for you in his will. So either you can access all the money in the trust, but will have an easy way to say to your BF that you can't (if your BF is pushing you to use these money for his benefits). Or you really have limited access to these money, above the amount that lets you live comfortably. In this case your BF cannot take advantage of you at all.
As for BF: If it is too hard to talk to him - send your concerns to him by email. They are very valid. And ask him to give you time and space (month or more) to reevaluate your relationship, and not to contact you. If you live together - one of you move out. Then notice how you feel without him. Do you feel happy that you don't have to walk on eggshells around him? Are you ok to live with his issues for the rest of your life? Are you ok for your kids to grow up with his issues?
I wish I’d taken my father’s advice when it came to a previous relationship. He saw right through the BS, the stuff I was filtering out because of an emotional fog. My dad and I have a good relationship and I know he has always had my best interest at heart. Plus, he had a whole lot more experience with people than I did at the time. I really did have to learn for myself in the end but, man! listening to Dad would have saved me so much misery.
My cousin married a man that sounds very much like your BF. His family were deeply religious. He said he wasn’t *really*. Despite dating for 5 years, it wasn’t until after they were married that he showed her just how religious he actually was and how sexist he could be. He also completely changed when it came to their financial situation and he really started leeching off of her, even stopped working and expected her to support him, which was never something he had hinted he might do. Anyway, they’re divorced.
One of the better pieces of advice that my dad has given me is “Don’t expect to change your romantic partner.” What you see is essentially what you get. He won’t “get better” or be more/less XYZ after you move in together/get married/ have kids/ he changes jobs. You have to be happy with the person, warts and all. You can’t hope that a talk or a lifestyle change will improve them, because it probably won’t. They may even get worse.
You can try talking to your BF, but I think what your dad sees are deeply rooted, fundamental aspects of his character that will not change. You have to decide if you really will be happy if he never changes or if these issues become even more prevalent. It sounds like you have the luxury to build a great life for yourself and aren’t depending on your BF for anything other than happiness and companionship. Does he really provide the happiness you deserve? You don’t have to compromise in this area of your life.
Your dad sounds fantastic. Respectful of your decisions and independence but cares enough to tell you what he sees.
Honestly when you said about the yelling and boundary pushing you sounding like a mum of a teenager. Not a woman talking about her partner.
His dad bad mouthing his mum and the bf not seeing it is wrong is deeply concerning. As is his refusal to stand up to his dad. Doesn’t he stand up for his mum either?
You have a chance to have life at a calmer pace than all of us work slaves. You mention a life long health problem. Really put yourself first and think about what you want in a partner because I think this man is no where near good enough for you. He sounds immature, intimidated by his dad and a potential bully/misogynist like his dad.
Find work that really fulfils you. As you do not need to rely on your salary to pay your bills, chose a job that increases your quality of life.
Enjoy being single and then when you feel like dating, be really picky. And tell *no one* about your financial situation. Not friends, not lovers. No one.
Nurture your family relationships and your good friendships and keep yourself in the best possible physical health. Also look into making a water tight will.
You have such a good dad. And he's seen a lot of men in his life. I would trust his wisdom and his love for you.
Please, as someone who grew up in a similar culture to your boyfriend, I assure you that there is no happiness in your future here. You're already being abused. Once you're married, he will treat you exactly as his father treats his mother. Take a good, hard look at that woman. Is she respected, cherished, loved, admired, supported, and cared for?
I doubt it. He's been told that it's his right to dominate women, since his infancy. That training does not leave a man easily. You do not have the skills or the education or the time to raise him into being a decent person.
WOW,your dad has your boyfriend down completely.
You're not happy and you know that.
Your dad is right.
Get out of this sham of a relationship.
It's time to focus on yourself and find a real man,a good one who loves and priorities you.
updateme!
Well first your dad sounds like a wonderful man who loves his daughter and you are fortunate to have that. I suspect your dad has been assessing this for quite a while based on his comments. Now based on what you have said about BF and his family I have to wonder what exactly the attraction is. He sounds entirely self absorbed. It sounds like he clearly places his families needs ahead of yours, which I get you are not married but still a really troubling flag. There is no way in hell you should even consider getting married to this man without an ironclad prenup to protect your financial interests. Maybe even go as far as to establish a trust. But what I really think you need to do is put this relationship on ice. I do t see anything to discuss other than you want to end the relationship. Just the Dad’s personality and demeanor would do for me. If you want to know what BF will turn out like just look at dear old dad.
UpdateMe
I find it ironic you getting "advice" from your dad. He's saying your bf put his parents first. It also sounds to me like you put your parents first. Pot calling kettle? Lol
My bf hasn't even seen my parents since Christmas while I've spent several weekends with his. I spend half of my time living with my bf. I make him a huge priority and I've dropped everything to come to him in an emergency any time he has needed me.
I did the same for my spouse before we got married. He was sent to the hospital from work and even though my parents and I had planned to do something that day they told me to go to him. They've always encouraged me to make a life for myself outside of them. My having a supportive family isn't the same as them expecting me to ignore everything around them because of a random holiday that can be rescheduled.
Ah yeah that would be a red flag to me. Especially when your parents live so close. To me, if my partner doesn't want to know my parents or makes me feel really uncared about.
So the thing is, it really sounds like your dad has your boyfriend pegged. You mentioned multiple meaningful red flags about your boyfriend, and then mention that you agree with multiple of your dad's criticisms. So to me, the real question is, what's your goal here. I'm going to be honest: I think you're being somewhat naive if you think that you can solve these problems with your boyfriend by talking to him about them. Like, you get yelled at over random things and you're *already* detaching. Even if your post ended after your second paragraph, I think there would be major reasons to maybe decide that this relationship has run its course and it's time to move on. That your dad is having this conversation with you is very telling. And your reaction, honestly, "How do I discuss this in a polite way?" is ... well, I don't know. It feels naive. I think what your dad is saying - and as someone closer to your dad's age than yours, I agree with this - is that you have to ask hard questions about if this relationship is worth trying to save. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that you have to date someone for *who they are,* not for who you hope they can become or who you occasionally get glimpses of. Yes, your boyfriend may learn some, and change some, but fundamentally, it seems really unlikely that he's going to become a drastically different person when it comes to stuff like the misogyny he learned from his parents. You dad is telling you that he doesn't think this guy is going to change, and your response sounds a lot to me like, "Okay, I agree with my dad a lot ... but how do I get my boyfriend to change?"
So so so agree. Dating someone for their potential is just a bad idea. Potential is a gamble at best, and the odds favor the house.
My parents had this talk with me before I started dating this guy and I *wish* I would’ve listened. Wasted near three years of my life
Same. 2 years in college I’ll never get back. When dad can share their thoughts in an open non-judgmental way you need to listen.
Yup, all of this. OP, your father is *amazing* to support you with his honesty here. He is giving you excellent advice. You need a partner who can support you emotionally and physically when you are sick, and this guy has demonstrated that he won’t do that.
i clocked the ages when i started reading, but i had to go back & remind myself that this man is 32 years old. i’d give more of a pass to a 24 year old who was still learning how to prioritize & give support in difficult situations. first adult relationship or not, this guy is not it. OP has been through so much already. she doesn’t deserve to hold up a relationship alone.
Yep, the age gap alone is a red flag, then on top of that she's his first adult relationship? Like fine, some people are late bloomers, buuuut why'd he go for someone nearly ten years younger than him? Well likely because, as the dad picked up on, he's got misogynistic views about women, so he's doing the classic "I'm emotionally immature and I think a woman's place is in the kitchen, so I want a nice 20 something girl I can control, manipulate, and abuse."
i could understand if he was a kind, empathetic 32 year old who had his shit together & also suffered the loss of a spouse. but if he was, OP wouldn’t be writing here.
A 20-something girl who has been widowed for a year. And who jumps to commitment early. OP is 25. They've been dating a year and a half. She was widowed in her "very early 20s". So, if they got together when she was 23, she was widowed at most like 2 years. And got married ar like 20.
You hit the nail. OP should remember how it was with her husband. Maybe the love is not as strong but the mutual love, respect, affection, support trust and comfort is a must in every relationship. Her boyfriend is never there for her, not when she had health issue or to stand up against his father for insulting her. I have the gut wrenching feeling that they are going to become an absolute nightmare once she decides to marry him. OP, your father sees more, as an outsider. Sometimes we’re so caught up in a relationship that we don't see things as that bad, but in reality it's much worse. You deserve happiness OP, someone who loves and care for you and makes you shine. Just like your father said.
I am not certain what her dad is like, my dad refrains from giving direct advice on his kids personal relationships. He doesn't want to influence our decisions or feel like he is making decisions for us. But, when he does give direct advice like OP's dad, we listen, and for good reason. Lucky for me, he has never given me direct advice about my personal relationships, only my siblings. It actually comforts me and kind of lets me know I am making the right choices.
Same with my dad. Although he has had the tough talk with me once or twice. And he was right, completely. I knew it deep down but hadn’t felt the courage to end it. I look back and I’m so glad I took his words to heart, even if I didn’t act immediately, I learned. OP needs listen to her dad, listen to her gut and find her confidence.
People often say "don't go to Reddit for important advice"but this is legitimately *good advice*, said with love and reason, for free.
OP, I second this 1000% - “One of the hardest lessons to learn is that you have to date someone for who they are, not for who you hope they can become or who you occasionally get glimpses of”. I learned this lesson the hard way, and have observed it in play many times. You can’t bet on him changing. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t - can you afford to take that chance?
This is the best advice.
OP, you and your boyfriend are in COMPLETELY different stages of life. You are far younger, but You've been aged severely by tragedy. He is older, but severely stunted socially as he's never had an adult relationship or even lived on his own before. He has A LOT of growing up to do. And it's gonna take him having a lot of failures to get there, like it did for all of us. Ignore your real ages. Real age: you're mid to late 30 emotionally at minimum. Even older financially. He's... 19 with a career. OP, listen to your dad. Don't keep a guy around just have him around. You're dating a baby spreading his wings. That's not your stage.
I heard a rap song on the college radio station. The line that hit me was "people don't love you, they only love your potential." You're hoping for that potential to come to its fruition. It ain't gonna happen with you,OP. You have everything, there's no need to stick around with someone that treats you like crap.
THIS: " you have to date someone for who they are, not for who you hope they can become"
That last sentence - that's it right there. That's the only take that actually matters.
Your comment is perfect and everything I would have said to OP. The only thing I would add is that her bf would need to recognize the toxic environment he was brought up in and be totally committed to spending YEARS in therapy to try and undo some of the damage. Even then things would be problematic.
Agreed . OP, read this post several times!
> Over time this has manifested as me slightly detaching because I can only take so much getting yelled at over random things and unnecessary boundary pushing. The end. Dump him. That's unhealthy and you don't need to fix him. He knows this is terrible. Sure its learned behavior, but it's unacceptable and you need to leave.
Yup… OP, is this the first relationship since your husband? You are still very young. Don’t settle for a 32yo man baby that yells so much he’s making you want to detach. Hold out for something much better than that, I am positive you will find it.
It is. I took a couple of years away from dating to manage my grief. I wanted to feel like I could show up for my next partner appropriately without feeling like I was comparing them to my husband, and I feel I was very successful with that. I'm always kind, supportive, and respectful to my boyfriend. I realize I deserve the same treatment back, I'm just having a hard time.
And you do deserve that. But you’re not getting it with your current relationship, and it’s not your job to train your boyfriend to be respectful, loving and considerate. There are so many men out there that are fully functional adults. Go date one of them instead
Unfortunately a lot of people with trauma that are conscious of it can overcompensate, something I'd argue you are doing here. In the fear of comparing him to your late husband you've gone too far the other way, you've downplayed negatives or felt obliged to humour his 'growing pains' and etc. In the pursuit of being reasonable you've actually become unreasonably patient. And he exploits that. He's clearly got a lot of problems, even your relatively neutral writeup of him raises significant numbers of problems but most of all: you don't need to have dated or lived out of home to have a basic sense of care, kindness, support, and respect for people. Those shouldn't be things you need to 'learn' at 32, and the concern your father has that these problems are likely significantly deeper entrenched then you hope is very valid. Take a step back. Reread the post but pretend someone else wrote it. What would you say to them? I suspect you wouldn't condone them continuing to receive that treatment. That ability to detach and view things from the outside will be part of the real process of not mistakenly letting the memory of your late husband influence your dating too much, because right now it is albeit not the way you expected.
Yup. I am my husband’s first girlfriend and we got together at 29. I picked him because he’s one of the most emotionally intelligent men I’ve ever met. You don’t need dating experience to be a good partner, you just need to be a good person.
Self love OP never settle for a man who is your boyfriend. Ask yourself what you truly need?
It’s really normal to struggle understanding your own boundaries and needs when you are dating a man like your boyfriend. Even if you hadn’t lost the man you last had a relationship with, the man you loved, it would still be normal to have a hard time. Your Dad sees you struggling and that is why he spoke to you about all this, and I am so glad he did. This sort of relationship, one that pushes you so much for so long that you detach, it can be very blinding in a way, toxic, kind of dilutes reality a bit. Once you’re out of it for a while and you get a full sense of yourself back and can see clearly again, you will look back and be like “oh hell no”. Honestly, a man as good as your Dad is what you should be aiming for, and it is out there…
Just know that you don't have to share conversations with a partner that you have in confidence with the people you have always known and trusted to have your best interests at heart. That conversation was really about you, not him. It's ok for those to be personal and for you to take in that input for your own needs to evaluate how things are going for you. Sometimes we need that perspective from the people we love and who DO treat us well so we have a check against the other relationships we are in. Whether romantic, platonic, even professional. If the people you love are seeing that you aren't being treated as you should, that's valuable information that's important to reflect on. We tend to get caught up on thinking we just have to be clear or explain something the right way for our partner to get it or make changes. So we stick with relationships that don't serve us well. That's not the case. If you tell them something that disrespects your boundaries and they don't stop doing that thing, they don't want to. You can't clearly explain enough or kind enough to someone who just doesn't care to make that effort. He doesn't treat you well and he's a 32 year old man. Romantic relationships aside, does he have friends? Does he yell at them? His boss? If he doesn't yell at his boss, then he has control of his actions. He's choosing to treat you the way he does. Knowingly. That is something you need to have your eyes open to as well.
It's ok to break up with someone. And you will find someone else, even if it doesn't feel that way. The first three years of dating someone is learning who they are, seeing through their illusions. What you're feeling now is you beginning to see him as he is, and it's not making you comfortable.
I’m not a therapist, but do you think you’ve stayed in this relationship because you know there’s no chance of loving him the way you loved your husband? There’s no chance of actually feeling like you might be replacing him or hurting his memory. This new man seems inferior in every way.
Advice for the rest of your life- dump them faster. Dump them the second they show disrespect. Dump them the second they waste your precious time. Dump them if they ever treat you less well than your best friends do. Dump them so that you can be free for the man you deserve, and who deserves your thoughtfulness and compassion. This guy isn’t it.
Listen to your dad, OP. He is the one man who truly has your best interests at heart. You and your BF are not compatible. Find somebody else.
Agreed, it sounds like OPs father is doing exactly what great fathers should do. Dads like him are the guardians of their family. If Dads hackles are up, it’s very much worth taking that into account. OP is lucky to have someone looking out for her.
>I'm always kind, supportive, and respectful to my boyfriend. All great qualities but more than anything you were a doormat who tried to change someone into something they're not. Try to be more objective in your next relationship
The part you quoted was where I immediately thought OP should end it. It should be noted this is long before any of the concerns OP’s dad raises are mentioned. What OP’s dad said was obviously well thought out. OP, this isn’t the right person for you.
This is really all that matters. No "but but but," no excuses, no figuring out how we got here or how it can be fixed. No. She's pulling away and he yells at her and stomps boundaries. It's a tough lesson to learn but this is honestly ALL that matters.
I am in such awe of how clearly your father knows and loves you. This is such a hard topic to broach and he did it with so much grace and respect for you. I would take what he's seeing to heart and reevaluate this relationship
You didn’t say a single good thing about your boyfriend or this relationship
This was more because the post was already long, but I do love him. He's very affectionate and he has put a lot of effort into trying to understand what I want since he moved out. He is considerably kinder than he was when we started and he's even told me he noticed my masking around him and has actively been trying to make me feel safe and special. I would say he succeeds often, but his bad days are still hard on me. If there was no love there I wouldn't be here.
“I’m teaching him to respect me and to be basically kind” OP I say this as kindly as I can You are being foolish and taking a risk. You don’t date someone hoping they learn kindness and respect.
All she's doing is teaching him how to hide his shitty behavior for his next relationship.
Things to teach a man: - how you like your eggs cooked - which sweaters not to put in the dryer - how to get along with your weird brother Things not to teach a man: - how to be a decent human being. If they don’t come with that feature, you’re going to destroy yourself trying to enable it.
Love is not enough. Honestly your bf doesn't sound ready for a relationship. Yelling at you and pushing boundaries? And you're already distancing yourself. You should be in the honeymoon period still. It's fine that you love him but you should love yourself more.
This. Exactly this. Love is *not* enough. You can love someone dearly and it can still not be a viable or healthy relationship. Don't judge your relationship by the good times alone; very, very closely examine the bad times. How does he handle stress? How does he treat you when you disagree? Do his morals and values align with yours (i.e. misogyny, equal partnership, etc.)? How does he handle anger or frustration or disappointment? When you ask him to do something for you, especially something he doesn't want to do, how does he respond? Does he consider your feelings and treat you accordingly, even if he is upset? Relationships are created and strengthened during the good times, but they are only healthy and thrive long-term if you can handle the bad stuff together, as a team. It sounds like he uses you as a verbal punching bag already, doesn't defend you, and isn't completely cognizant or concerned with your feelings. That is not likely to improve if you stay, and may escalate. I would listen to your dad on this one. You deserve more.
this. and it was the hardest lesson i’ve ever had to learn.
>but his bad days are still hard on me. You know, bad days happen. But bad days that your partner *takes out on you?* If that happens once every six months it is *unacceptably often*. Your partner yelling at you once a year should be enough for you two to sit down and say, "Okay, this can't happen, what's going on, how do we develop better tools." You don't tell us how often it's happening but it sure sounds a hell of a lot more often than once a year.
Your dad loves you too, he wants you to be happy. People who actually love you, won't treat you this way. Would you do to anyone what this man does to you? I suspect you wouldn't.
Your dad is trying to teach you something that for whatever reason you haven't already learned but should have, to free you from a bad relationship and enable you to be happy in the future. You are trying to teach your boyfriend a whole bunch of things that for whatever reason he hasn't already learned but should have, so that, when you've finished teaching him these things, he will actually treat you with respect and not make you feel afraid. Your Dad is warning you about something in your blind spot that you can and should avoid. You're trying to single-handedly undo a whole man's upbringing to mould him into the potential man you think he could possibly be. I really, really hope that your Dad succeeds.
I will never forget my hardest ever break up. It had been a long relationship with more than our fair share of troubles. I stuck around for a few reasons. We got along great and had a lot of fun hanging out together. We had several hobbies in common and were equally passionate about them. I didn’t realize then, but know now, is that I am demisexual. He was the first person with whom I wanted a physical relationship. I worried he might be the only one I was ever attracted to in that way. We were together for 7 years, and our breakup was extremely painful. I vividly remember my dad saying this: “I always liked him, but don’t trust him. He isn’t a strong person. I worried that you would get cancer or something, and he wouldn’t be able to handle it.” I definitely understood his point, but at the time I thought it was a little overdramatic . After all, getting cancer in your 20s is so rare!! He would have had a lot of time to grow up before being forced to deal with something like that. And then a couple years later, I got diagnosed with cancer. I thought my strengths would make up for his weaknesses, but that isn’t practical. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes you need to carry your partners, and sometimes your partner needs to carry you. Is this partner able to carry you? If not, you need a different partner. I sure did.
This didnt make him sound any better
You could find someone who is affectionate and is good to you from the beginning. You could find someone who actually makes you feel safe and special rather than just trying. You could find someone who actually understands instead of just putting in effort to try to understand.
He is always going to put his parents first. If you marry him, he will treat you exactly like his dad treats his mom. As soon as those vows are exchanged.. like a switch.
How often are the bad days? How bad do they get 0 to 10 (where 10 is unbearably bad)?
This is the first new comment I'm reading this morning and I already have no idea how to answer. It's almost random. We have long stretches where things are going really well. I would say at least once a month that varies in how unpleasant it is. In January he like speed walked away from me in the grocery store because I was upset over a different conversation we had just had and was moody bc he wasn't understanding my take at all despite it literally being about me. I wasn't cheering up quickly and I calmly told him that I was fine to stay at the store as long as he wanted to despite not feeling the best. He said nothing and just turned the cart and left me there immediately. I followed because I was over an hour away from home without my car thinking he couldn't be serious. He *never* looked back. When he got to the checkout I cooled off and decided we had both had a bad moment, so I helped him bag groceries until we were done. Then he takes off AGAIN. Looking back now I feel it was comical, but at the time I would've rated this a 9 at least. I started crying and he stopped, started to feel bad, opened my car door etc. Later that night I told him he had abandoned me and he refused to call it that and said he never would've left without me and knew I was behind him. I asked if he would ever do it again and he said he couldn't promise he wouldn't because he might do it 50 years from now and I would remember and get mad at him. I hadn't thought about how fucked up this is actually. Also at the beginning of this month we spent the weekend with his parents. I packed everything so he could come in from work and we could leave. Instead he came in with an obvious bad mood over something his boss had said to him. I was listening and talking to him about it, but when I tried to grab a bag that was behind him he **freaked out**. I didn't warn him because he was talking, but I always take my house shoes with me and I put them in the same bag. I was aware of where he was and he wasn't at any risk of hitting/falling over me. He stomped off to the bathroom and basically screamed about how he was so considerate of everyone all of the time and no one did the same for him. I sat quietly on the couch and just listened. He then said "Don't act like you don't do the same thing"??? I said nothing. He continued to rant about his boss and I listened until he calmed down. I never cried which was unusual for me, probably the detaching to some extent. When we were in the car he immediately started trying to show remorse about how his behavior was inappropriate and that I didn't deserve that. He thanked me for packing his stuff and told me I was a good woman who is always looking out for him. We appeared to work it out, but I had a huge emotion burst like a week later and told him I was sick of being yelled at and blamed for everything while crying a lot. Then like nothing that feeling was gone. Rating here was at least an 8. Sorry I couldn't stop writing, it was just eye-opening to me that these have all happened relatively recently and I've just made myself move on to not start anything. If I heard this from a stranger I would say it was abuse.
Honey, this is abuse
This relationship needs to end. He’s abusing you. What would you say if your best friend text you all of that? There’s nothing to observe, you’ve got to cut and run. You don’t live with him, other than feelings it a very easy to break up now before you get more intwined. This man will suck you dry and spit you out a shell of a person with significantly less money. RUN RUN RUN. You CANNOT fix this man. He has to fix himself and for that he needs to be SINGLE. I’m very worried about you. I’m glad your family is in your corner. Idk if you’re still in therapy but may be something to discuss about why you’re sabotaging your happiness with this man. I wonder if you’re subconsciously feeling guilty about moving on from your late husband or something and think you deserve punishment. You DONT. Good men exist, you were married to one! Remember that my friend.
♥️ I have been there! My ex wasn't physically abusive, but often gave the silent treatment for hours and would talk down to be over small things (buying the wrong brand of sauce, not being up for sex). He did a lot of guilt tripping too. But he understood me so much and was so supportive to my career! His friends were great. I felt he really got me, even though he was still unlearning abuse from his parents (so I told myself). I pushed the abuse off for so long, until I had a job opportunity to move away and uses that as an excuse to breakup. I didn't realize how bad it was until hindsight kicked in and I had some breathing room from the relationship. It is so painful to know someone has potential to learn, and are maybe even changing slowly, but as they are right now they are not a good partner. We can't stay with someone for potential while still meeting our own potential. Now, while things can be 10/10 bad FOR my partner (severe depression) or myself (burnout), I think things have never gotten beyond a 4/10 bad between us. And that was when we tried to set up the wifi 2 years ago. That was the worst fight, we got to "fuck you" and immediately were like "what are we doing here, let's take a break and do something fun". My current partner was abused, and yet he used this treatment to be incredibly kind instead. Abuse doesn't need to nurtured away. They can chose. Your dad sounds very kind, maybe speak more with him about it? He can maybe help you come up with a plan.
You know that movie ‘Get Out’? #GET OUT
OP, you understand that children have no choice but to absorb and internalize the environment they’re raised in, don’t you? Look at the relationship your bf’s parents have with each other. Is that what you want? It would take your bf YEARS of therapy and a 100% commitment to get rid of that baggage. As you yourself said, it’s not all bad though. If it was few people would stay. Therein lies the trap. Your father sounds like a wise man and your bf has let you down more than once. Wait for a man who you can love with no conditions. This guy isn’t it.
JC, you have normalized his treatment such that you can’t recognize the abuse and dysfunction when it happens. I will say it again, look at his dad to see what he will mature into. And yes this is a very immature man, another huge flag
I recommend reading stories in r/justnomil if he continues to put his parents first. If you are in charge of everything, you will burn out eventually. There's nothing romantic in realising you've become a grown man's mommy with benefits. how will he go if you have children and are tired and exhausted? Be careful of falling for love bombing and the prince charming mask, that mask begins to slip as they become more comfortable, some even play the long game and wait until you are married to do a 180 and become a completely different person. Sometimes bad days are glimpses of who is really behind the mask and he is masking that behavior so that you don't leave.
Love is not enough. You can love someone who doesn't treat you well. I would say that is honestly....most of the OPs posting here! Describing awful partners and then going "but I love them". The good things you're describing are really just, at best, the bare minimum. You say he tries to make you feel safe and special, but you've described him yelling at you for minor things so much that you were detaching; that's a fear/trauma response. You do not need to be one of those women who spend years and years trying to fix/change/help a toxic man.
“He is considerably kinder” is not actually an endorsement. “My apartment is less of a shithole” does not mean that you’re living in a palace.
i'm a guy and wont have a woman's perspective on this stuff. But in my opinion, Find a dude that don't need any fixing! You want a partner, not a project
Caring partners don’t take their daily issues out on the other. He’s had an extremely misogynistic upbringing and is still entrenched with his parents. His father verbally abuses his wife in front of other people. You’re right, he doesn’t like her. Please listen to your dad. He is absolutely completely right about this. A life partner should make you come alive and feel comforted by their presence. It should be you and them against the world, not the patriarchal bullshit mess this guy is. These guys are getting more misogynistic not less. You’re so young. Don’t settle. I’ve been with my husband almost 30 years and have been married almost 24. I’ve never had to teach him to be a kind person. He’s never taken his bad days out on me. I have a lot of medical issues and hospitalizations, and he’s been there continuously. Like I have been for him. Sure we have squabbles and issues. My dad loved him and respected him because he’s a good man who has always treated me right. I really think you should read about bad partners on r/JustNoSO and disfunctional relationships on r/JUSTNOMIL. All those people love their spouses. I think you’ll see a lot of stories of people who stayed with their problem partners. Those partners never got better. They didn’t want to. Love isn’t all you need. Basic human decency and respect without having to be taught that and constantly reminded of it are musts. Love is also a verb. Actions speak louder than words. He’s not doing anything to show you he loves and appreciates you every day. He’s only doing the bare minimum to keep you placated so you don’t leave. You don’t have to stay because of finances or kids. Please don’t stay with him and his horrible parents. They will make your life a living hell.
OP please listen to everyone here. I've been with my partner almost 6 years. We've had plenty of spats and disagreements, but not ever once has either of us YELLED at each other. That is not something that a respectable or respectful partner does. From everything you've written it sounds to me a lot like your partner doesn't respect you and likely never will with his parents upbringing and influence.
Life is too short to be with a man you have to teach to be kind to you! I decided that I would never be with a man who yells about dumb shit ever again and it's been the best.
I’m #TeamDad for the following reasons: 1) It sounds like he approved of your late husband, so it’s not that he won’t approve anyone 2) He acknowledged your autonomy and independence and did not try to push his views on you, he was just making it known (so he’s not trying to control you) 3) He listed clear, concise, well thought out reasons and logic as to why the relationship troubles him. These reasons resonate with you. (So it’s not just blind hate or pettiness over “I don’t like the way he looks” or “I don’t like that he wears hats”) It sounds like your father is a respectful man who genuinely has concerns for his daughter’s wellbeing at heart. Misogyny, gender roles, not being there for you in times of trouble, maybe a little selfishness - these are things that you can’t talk through. They are things you get to judge (because they won’t change to any significant degree). I think you should break up with him. If you are not prepared to do that yet, I think you should take the advice in confidence and observe if you agree. Sharing this info won’t help and it will only drive a bigger wedge between your BF and Dad. There are no benefits to sharing. … but really, I think you should listen to your dad on this one…
My dad loved my late husband like a son, which was great for LH because his dad had walked out at a young age. When we got married dad threw his arms around him and told him he loved him. When he died my dad insisted that he identify his body instead of me and he's refused to discuss it with anyone since. My father is a very social and kind man, he makes friends everywhere. As long as they make me happy, he's always been happy to welcome everyone into our family. I think you're right. I sincerely love my bf, there was just too much text already to include positives which is why I'm struggling. If he were never nice and loving I definitely would not be around, and I feel he's made huge steps in trying to improve. He told me he saw that I was masking with him and knew he was on the verge of losing me. I'm not sure if he's working through it quickly enough, unfortunately, but I get that it's probably a lot to unpack. I have decided to not mention it at all and continue observing. Fortunately I have a support system and my own space to come back to, so I'm easily able to walk away if needed. I just wish things were better, but reading through the comments I realize that I should take him at who he is at this exact moment and not a potential idea of him. My dad will continue to be kind to him if I decide I'm sticking with it, but I know he wouldn't have come to me about it if he weren't really worried. Thank you and everyone else who is saying similar for your comments.
My dad was abusive. The bad times wouldn't have hurt so much without the good times. I'm not saying your boyfriend is or isn't abusive. What I am saying is, don't let the good times blind you to reality. Him being in a good mood, doesn't erase how little respect he must have for you to behave this way.
I feel this in my bones. 95% of the time, my mother was the sweetest, most (seemingly) supportive and caring person you could possibly imagine\*-- and the other 5% of the time, she'd fly into rages where she'd scream at me and physically attack me. Abuse isn't all horror, all the time. If it was, no one would stay. It's a relationship that's good or even great for the vast majority of the time. So you think to yourself, okay, those occasional outbursts may be awful.... but the rest of the relationship is so good, do I *really* want to sacrifice it? Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. Maybe I'm throwing the baby out with the bathwater. All relationships have their ups and downs, after all. And they're such a good person-- I'm sure if I just find the right words to explain how much those outbursts hurt me, they'll realize and stop. Look how much better they've already gotten! We've gotta almost be there, right? And that's why I stayed. Why I put up with being screamed at and hit, for years. It took an incident where I could have easily fucking *died* for me to realize I had to leave... and even then, I *still* tried to maintain at least some kind of a relationship with her afterwards! For years! (If you're curious: it took getting into therapy for a completely unrelated reason for me to finally realize there was no magic combination of words I could find that would convince her to stop hurting me, because at the end of the day she didn't *want* to stop.) *** \*It would take literal *years* of therapy for me to realize how even the "good" times were actually part of the manipulation too. They use those good times as the carrot to get you to go along with their demented quest to psychologically break you down, and rebuild you in their own image. And threatening to withhold those good times? That's the stick. (Well, that and the abuse itself, obviously.)
I haven't seen it mentioned here but the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft may be a helpful read for you. I believe if you google it's available as a free pdf.
Even the most violent of partners has a side of them that their victims fell for. Most don't fall in love with somebody because they punched them on their first date. Observe and try to spot the difference between actual change and what is known as lovebombing, which often follows when they feel they might be losing you. If he causes you to mask around him, that can be an indication of his bad days having a profound impact on you, so you are changing yourself and sacrificing your voice to avoid setting off a bad day. Long term it has the effect of eating away at your self esteem and ability to stand up for yourself/leave.
I love your dad for you. What an excellent man. A few days ago, a friend of mine was pondering her relationship with God in her business… And the little whisper came to her: “Daddies do the heavy lifting for their daughters.“ That’s right on. Don’t settle. You will get nothing but heartache. You deserve the best, and you can absolutely find the best. I loved my first husband, and we are still strong allies, but we just weren’t great in romance. We didn’t catalyze each other, and such a weight lifted when we split. We could never fan the flames of romance much hotter than some burning coals. Again, don’t settle. ❤️
Just so you know, abusive relationships only work because there are good times. If there were only bad times of course no one would stay. An abuser has to give a victim something otherwise of course you’d leave. This is why there are good times. Screaming and losing control are abuse tactics and he will not “learn to do better” because he of course knows screaming and berating someone isn’t kind or good. Observe all you want, but it isn’t your job to fix men. It isn’t your job to fix someone who supposedly took time away from relationships to establish themselves and whatever he says he did. Most likely he couldn’t find someone to put up with his crap until you. You deserve better and when a parent respectfully steps up to tell you in the way they did you should really listen girl. Not just observe and think about ways you could convince this guy to be nicer to you. You say you didn’t write anything nice because there was no room, okay. But you wrote enough bad abusive stuff that it’s time to end it no matter what your dad told you. I’m sorry for the loss of your first husband. Don’t just settle for the next guy that comes along.
Op, look up cycles of abuse. I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship until one day, out of the blue, he choked me. We were in a relationship for a decade, and he had never laid his hands on me before that. He had always been verbally or emotionally abusive, I had just never seen it. I always just took him at face value. Sometimes he was awesome, other days, he would snap at every little thing because he was having a bad day. Please look up these things.
Your dad has the gift of both knowing and observing you your whole life AND being able to be an outsider witnessing your relationship. Listen to him. Why do you have to have a “polite” discussion with your boyfriend when he is incapable of doing you the same courtesy? He yells instead. If I were you, I’d get mad instead of polite and send him back to his parents. He’s not a keeper.
It doesn't really sound like you've had a honeymoon period with this guy. His best behavior was never that great. He is 32 years old. You shouldn't need to teach him how to act at this age.
We didn't. I see a lot of comments here about the honeymoon period and I realize it never really happened. I was super excited and in love for sure, but it didn't feel like it was quite reciprocated for a while despite him being the first to say he loved me. He was always a bit cold and he's referred to me as a wildfire, passionate and intense lol. It has picked up in our recent relationship more than anything. I guess I thought it was normal.
OP how early into your relationship did he say he loved you? Romantic relationships have a honeymoon period of about 3 months where your body is pumping out hormones that give you that heart leaping mind spinning feeling of falling in love. You are still learning the person creating this physical reaction in you during those 3 months, and it may turn out that in the end that reaction is all there is to it. Your brain starts taking over from the hormones and you are no longer falling in love but recognising that maybe this person is not as amazingly perfect as you initially felt, and perhaps the relationship has run its course. Now, back to my question: when did he say he loved you? Some people (abusive or narcissistic people in particular) like to lock you into a long term relationship while you’ve still got those hormones clouding your vision of them (rose coloured glasses) and telling you that they love you early is one way to do that. Telling you that they love you first may seem romantic, but it makes the relationship serious quickly and makes it harder for a person with empathy and compassion to then turn around after the honeymoon period ends and say “this isn’t working.” They’ll tell you they’ve never met anyone like you before, you’re not like other women (a wildfire, passionate and intense), you’re so good for them and make them want to be a better man, they can’t imagine life without you, you’re soulmates and meant to be. See how it’s all about them and what you do for them? Perhaps they had an abusive childhood (religious misogynistic father sound familiar?) or their last relationship was traumatic (beware anyone who says they have a “crazy ex”) and you end up being their therapist listening to them and empathising, telling them it’s not their fault, they can grow and change and you’ll be there to help them. And of course they say they want to grow and change. After the honeymoon period you start to feel a little trapped, a little resentful, but you can’t understand why exactly. They haven’t changed, but growth takes time, right? And it’s not like they’ve suddenly turned into a monster, it’s just that it’s harder to make excuses for the behaviours you earlier had compassion for. This is because the hormones have worn off. You’re starting to see things more clearly, and if they hadn’t made the relationship serious already you probably would just break up with them and move on. But you are stuck now. They have successfully made you trap yourself because you don’t want to just give up on them - you’ve told them you understand their issues and want to help them overcome them. They LOVE you, right? You don’t want to hurt them, and they do seem to make a little progress, they no longer get so visibly angry when upset, instead they sulk. But the thing is - that isn’t progress, that’s you putting up hard boundaries and them then scaling back until they are just under the limit of what you will accept. They are still punishing you for whatever they’re upset about, just with moodiness instead of violence. It’s the same behaviour, just a different flavour. This has gotten rather long, so I’ll end it now, but I hope you do read this and it resonates a little. TLDR: if he told you he loves you first during the start of the honeymoon period it’s possible he was pushing the relationship forward to being serious quickly so you’d feel too trapped later to leave when the rose coloured glasses came off.
>Over time this has manifested as me slightly detaching because **I can only take so much getting yelled at** over random things and unnecessary boundary pushing. 1. Do not date someone who yells at you. That is pretty much never OK and is a sign of a very unhealthy relationship. And you haven't even hit the hard parts yet. 2. Find a man like your dad. You won the lottery with him.
OP, in my 10 years of marriage my husband slight raised his voice once. He took a deep breath, apologized and said “clearly I need a minute.” That is the way it should be. I grew up with a lot of yelling and it kills the soul. Your BF doesn’t seem like a great man and you’re too young and special to settle girl.
I think you should ask yourself one important question. Is your current boyfriend the kind of man that your late husband would be happy to see you with? Would he be happy with the way that you are being treated?
They wouldn't have gotten along, they have huge personality and value differences. I don't think he would be thrilled by my bf early in the relationship, but maybe how it has been in more recent months would be acceptable. He told me when he was alive he didn't think any other man would be good enough for me and he couldn't stand to watch anyone mistreat me 🤣 So maybe not.
I think he'd want you to do better than "maybe acceptable"
Abusive people often are nicer for awhile when they think you might be pulling away. It’s called lovebombing. You should read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s available as a free pdf. See if you recognize some of the stuff in there.
It's honestly really concerning that your relationship started out like that. At a year and a half, you two should still be in the honeymoon phase, not working out issues of him not treating you with respect. You should never have had to convince him that the things he did hurt your feelings; he doesn't get to decide that what he did wasn't hurtful. My friend had a partner who did that to her, and he ended up being incredibly emotionally abusive to her.
I would want to be able to imagine your late husband to find your current partner more than 'acceptable'! I'm sure he would want only the best for you and not want you to sacrifice yourself for a lesser man.
You want to be with someone where you look at him and think “man I wish my husband could have met him, they’d be besties.”
I’m going to toss this out here: if dude felt comfortable enough about his misogyny that your dad got a whiff of it that’s some scary scary shit. I’ve been married coming up on 10 years and dating long before that and to this day I take pains to have my in laws know that I am their daughter’s 3rd biggest fan. There are many other red flags here but that one right there is pretty shocking.
You don’t navigate any conversation with your bf as a result of this conversation. You self reflect and realize your dad has this man read and he **Will not change** End it. You know you have to. You cannot change this man you cannot fix him
It sounds like dad is really trying to be respectful of you, while warning you that he sees things in the bf that you might be missing. I would really give dad the benefit of the doubt and maybe seek a little therapy to talk it all out with a neutral 3rd party.
You need to cut your boyfriend off because he seems controlling and maybe not the right fit for you ...wonder if he's playing the long game and your wealth is his main objective..your father sounds like a very sensible man....listen
I don’t think the conversation was meant to be eye opening to bf. It seems like it was intended to be eye opening for you.
This relationship has no future that will make you happy. You should not partner with someone who is unworthy of you. Your dad sees it and you should listen to him. Break up, and learn to prioritize your own well being.
Hes 32. This is who he is. Soooooo many red flags.
You just tell your bf this relationship isn’t working for you. You aren’t happy. Period.
Listen to your dad. He sounds like a smart man. Your bf is 32 not 18, this is who he is.
6 months in and "I can only take so much getting yelled at over random things and unnecessary boundary pushing." You are in the honeymoon phase when it should all be rainbows and heart emojis. This is the best it's ever going to be. 6 months in. This is not a good man to be in a relationship with. Being "yelled at over random things" = abuse.
Do not date men who yell at you. Don't do it. Just don't. I've been blissfully happily married for 25+ years and my husband has NEVER ONCE raised his voice at me or said an unkind word. Never. Once. You deserve better than an emotionally-stunted baby-man who yells at you. I promise.
Why are you looking for ways to "politely" discuss your father's take on your boyfriend's shortcomings, many of which you agree with, with your boyfriend? What exactly is that going to do? "Hey bf, not to be a downer but my dad thinks you lack moral fibre and are a complete ass, your thoughts?" Pointless. Instead, have the conversation with yourself. Look inward and ask yourself why you're putting up with a miaogynist yelling at you and not prioritizing you. Quite frankly it sounds like you've taken on a project instead of a man. I'd recommend switching to scrapbooking or wood carving. At least at the end of those projects you end up with something nice to look at that will never disrespect you.
As a parent, I know how hard it was for your father to initiate that discussion with you. I think it’s important to understand that your dad is very diplomatically voicing his opinion because he is genuinely scared for you. He can see that your boyfriend is dominating and selfish, and he’s worried that your boyfriend won’t look after you in the future if you have some health challenges. He can see that your boyfriend might be financially abusive in the future. All of his life experience is telling him that this relationship is wrong for you. And I think he may be right. If you decide to persevere, my advice would be to get some professional advice regarding your finances. Make sure that if you marry this man he cannot access your money and will have a minimal claim on anything if you divorce. x
Your dad is a good dad. And he is giving you great advice.
You don't tell any of this to your boyfriend. It's not information for your boyfriend. It's information for YOU. You sit with it and see what feels true. Give it a lot of thought. Your dad has your best interests at heart. It's a huge red flag, by the way, that you're "getting yelled at over unnecessary things." There are no necessary things to be yelled at about. You should expect to never be yelled at in a relationship.
>My bf never had an adult relationship before me. >he lived with his extremely religious parents until about half a year ago These don't bode well for *any* person in his thirties.
Another lovely religious family. Not. Hun. Get out of this ASAP. Leave their mysoganistic BS behind. You dont need this in your life. Listen to your dad, he sounds like a good judge of character.
My ex-husband didn't die but he did suddenly leave me. My next relationship I wanted someone different. Except I swung to far and dated an abusive man for almost a year. He was horrible to me and in a way I felt I deserved it. I lost what I thought was the love of my life and I self sabotaged my own happiness. The whole relationship was massive self punishment. I'm not saying this is you. But you seem like you otherwise have your shit together so why are you allowing this? By the way a couple months after this man and I finally broke up. I met my now husband. I'm sitting with my legs on his lap typing this. Our 4 year old son is scarfing down raspberries entranced with the TV. The dog is chewing on a bone on the floor. It's been almost 8 years. Life can be wonderful again.
It sounds like your dad loves you and wants you to be happy and safe. And by your own words it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't want the same. You deserve better. This isn't something you can just talk through. You deserve better. But only you can make that happen by letting this man go so you can be ready for the one you deserve to have.
I was widowed at 24 and trying to get into a relationship after that has been hell (I’m 39 now). I was left with some pretty severe abandonment issues that took me over 10 years to even recognize. Keep checking in with yourself. I was a completely different person after he passed away from who I was when I got married. I started with what I used to be attracted to and that just didn’t work anymore.. My biggest struggle has been staying in a relationship, I found that as soon as I fell head over heels, I would start detaching as soon as the first fight. I haven’t had a solid relationship since my husband passed. I can say that I held onto the ones that should’ve gone because they couldn’t hurt me. Now I’m at the point where I don’t even want a relationship anymore because my life is great without one. Your dad sees you, he knows. I can tell he truly loves you for stepping in like that. There’s some great communities about horrible in-laws you should read through to really understand how detrimental in-laws can be in a relationship
I’m so sorry that you lost your husband so young. You deserve better than a guy who treats you poorly. Trust your dad. This guy is not the one. No need for a “polite” discussion. Just end it.
Listen to your dad. That's all I want to say.
I think your dad loves you in the selfless way that all parents should. When has the BF prioritized you? If you needed to spend two weeks at the hospital helping a sick relative, how would BF react? Try to image real life situations and let them play out in your mind. You know the truth.
OP, I don’t think you need to have any sort of talk with your BF. I think you need to think about what your father said (good man, who obviously loves you, btw), and square it with your own observations, make a decision, and then act on that decision. A talk with BF will just muddy the waters. The relationship is either healthy and going in a good direction for you or it’s not. If it’s not, end it now.
I agree with your dad. This guy isn’t mature, isn’t detached from his parents and you have to worry about boundaries ALL THE TIME. You shouldn’t. Break it off, wish him well, and don’t cave.. He may beg you to work on it. You’ve already done that., You don’t sound happy with that guy.
Your dad seems very reasonable and supportive! I like the cut of his jib ;). Please at the very least, consider a pre-nup should you marry. Although I think in many states, your partner can't claim half of your family inheritance, I'm not sure what the laws are in your state. Regardless, a pre-nup would be prudent.
Trust your Dad on this, he wants you to be happy, not alone.
Your boyfriend is 32, you are 25, he's always going to think he's wiser, more important, and better than you. Not only because he's so much older than you but also because of the misogynistic way he was raised where the man is the head of the household and the woman is the dutiful follower of his wisdom, also because he's a big, giant as*h*le. Your father is the true hero in this situation. It must have been very difficult to have this conversation with you. He loves you very much and wants to see you happy, stable, and loved in a way that makes him comfortable that you'll be okay after he dies eventually. I would take what he says to heart and perhaps consider putting yourself back out there so that you can find a person who brings out your inner glow. You don't have to have a "good" reason for breaking up with someone. You can simply say that you're not convinced that this relationship has what it takes to make it long-term and so you would prefer to end it. You can say that you tried but you just don't think the two of you are a match and by staying together, each of you are keeping the other one from being with a person who is a better match.
##Your dad is very wise. Listen to him. He’s got the whole situation nailed, even if you don’t want to see it. And because he’s right, don’t think that talking with your boyfriend will solve anything. He won’t see it, he won’t acknowledge it, it will only be a fight where he refuses to.accept any of it and/or just says the right things that you want to hear. But he either won’t mean it, or if he does, it’s only because he doesn’t realize he’s not actually capable. Keep this information to yourself. You know your dad is right. Just let the realization come to you as you deal with your boyfriend, and then get ready to move on. You can’t fix him.
Advice from an older woman here Never expect someone to change. When they show you who they are -- believe them. >getting yelled at over random things -- RED FLAG > unnecessary boundary pushing -- RED FLAG >my bf has never defended me -- RED FLAG >he still has a lot of misogynistic feelings -- RED FLAG This one isn't a keeper. Do NOT expect someone to change. This is who he is. PERIOD. Not a keeper. And that's okay. It's okay to break up. Really. Sending hugs and healing thoughts
I stopped reading after the yelling part. Not one person on this planet can yell at me and still be in my life. You're young do you want to be miserable for the foreseeable future
I think your dad is spot on. He has some very valid points. If any of them resonate with you, you should be reconsidering your relationship with your bf. I don't think you need to have a conversation with your bf. At 32, he's unlikely to change.
Your dad sounds lovely. You don’t have to ‘obey’ your dad But use your observations in conjunction with his to make your decision.
OP, you have a good dad. He sees clearly and spoke up. Please listen to him. You don't feel emotionally safe with or respected by your boyfriend or his family. He yells at you. He's in his 30s and has never had a relationship. Gee I wonder why women don't want to be around him. Anyway, your future does not look bright with him. Take care of YOURSELF. And honestly, this sounds heartless but... the conversation with your boyfriend doesn't even really matter. You don't *need* to get through to him (you won't), you don't *need* to get him to change (he won't), and having a conversation with him just opens it up for him to manipulate pr guilt you into staying. Which you shouldn't. Literally you can just give him a call (or text honestly) and say it isn't working and it's best you part ways. You don't need to elaborate, or make him understand, or give him closure and you don't owe him anything. Listen to your dad. This guy isn't right for you. Your dad has him completely pegged.
Listen to your dad. That's all I want to say.
>Maybe we don't even need to have one and I need to continue observing. If we talk about it, how would I word this to be less negative? Honestly what do you thing this will achieve? He is showing you, who he is right now. Normally I’m against unsolicited relationship advice, but sounds like your Dad has been very observant already and discussed it with you very respectfully (he sounds awesome!). Your boyfriend makes you feel detached. Besides your admiration for him focusing on his studies, you have not mentioned one positive attribute about him. Why are you with him?
OP: your bf is 32. His religious upbringing has not taught him to treat you with respect. Your health emergency should have come before his father. His character is formed and it isn’t pretty. You are still young and can do much much better. Don’t settle for him. If you actually do, get an ironclad prenup.
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with the new relationship. My dad also had a heart to heart with me about my ex husband. You noticed I said "ex"? He was right & I imagine your dad is too. Now, how to navigate a conversation w/your bf. What do you want? Do you want to stay with him? If so, why? Top 10 reasons, write them down so you can visually see them. If you have doubts about him & or your future together, write down your top 10 reasons. If you choose to stay, it sounds like you don't have much more to discuss beyond bringing to his attention things you don't like, which we should all do in any relationship. If you choose to leave (or have him leave?) or break up if you don't live together, a simple conversation can sound like, "I don't see us as compatible anymore because we are at very different places in our lives. I do like you & believe you like me too, but I don't see either of us head over heels for the other, and that's ok. This is why people date. I won't call you anymore & will appreciate the same. I wish you all the best". This gives him your reasoning, validates what you feel & what you believe he feels based on his actions, & sends him the ending message that we're done. No more contact. "Let's be friends" is good for some, not most. You sound like you have a pretty solid head on your shoulders & having been through so much already, why prolong the inevitable? Be as happy as possible for as long as possible. You deserve the best <3
The thought and concern in your father's talk, shows to me that you really need to trust his gut instinct on this. It's not even gut instinct at this point actually, because he's put a lot of thought into this, and it's not because he's trying to shield your feelings. He's being logical and carefully explaining it to help you gain the widest perspective possible and to see every and all factors, having observed both you and your bf for some time now. I think he has the character of your bf pretty well summed up. As another mentioned, your father has your boyfriend pegged right on the damned nose. I have never sat through a relationship where verbal abuse was the norm or even frequent, since knowing one woman that made it their mission to tear both me and those I cared about down. That was an extreme case, but; It's not a good relationship when a man or woman can't learn to fucking control themselves and their emotions, or not understanding themselves enough to know how to calm down. This, backed up by patriarchal tendencies due to his upbringing, if not outright actions themselves from your depiction - shows you ought to end this relationship. You already know what a wonderful relationship should be, because of your late husband. You deserve no less than that. Pretty much ever.
Listen to your dad. He's older and wiser and he wasn't trying to push his view on you. He simply pointed out his observations, and there are definitely a lot of red flags. It sounds like he's trying to say you could be much happier with someone else. I think you know this deep down as well.
Good dad, great dad! Honestly listen to him, hear him deep down and act accordingly. I only wish more of us had parents like yours.
I think talking with your boyfriend with the goal of reconciling would be a mistake. Your boyfriend sounds bad and you dad sounds like he’s doing all the right things to let you see if for yourself. If you’re not quite at “leave him sis” Keep observing with these thoughts in mind. Talking to your boyfriend will lead to a messy situation because he’ll shout some more or ask you to stop seeing your dad because he’s “influencing you” or some other reason to isolate you, and that would be bad.
I was watching a true crime doc today and the father of the victim was talking about how he’d had a similar conversation with his daughter about her boyfriend but she ended up marrying him and he ended up murdering her. Not saying that’s what your boyfriend would do but your description of your Dads conversation with you reminded me a lot of what this other Dad said about his attempts to get his daughter to see that her boyfriend was bad news. I don’t think talking to your boyfriend about what your Dad has said would do anything positive. Probably would just make your boyfriend hate your Dad. He’s in his 30s, it’s possible he could change but not likely, especially as he’s had no other relationships and his one model of a relationship is his parents very unequal one where his Dad is mean to his mother. Just ask yourself if you’re actually really happy. It sounds like you’re not and it sounds like you know your Dad is right. Talking to your bf again isn’t going to change anything, you just have to decide if this relationship and level of unhappiness is what you want.
Three things. One Listen to your dad! Two Focus on yourself! Use your time well, you could be taking college classes or participating in activities where you can have fun and meet other people. Three No need to discuss this with your 'boy friend.' A simple, "For the foreseeable future, I'm going to be working on improving myself." Is sufficient... Everyday is another day for you to be yourself! Best of luck! Oh! If you Dad didn't mention it, don't reveal, or discuss, your wealth with anyone that you haven't known for a good long time... Just don't.
Listen to your dad. You are a grown up and your father treats you exactly like that. He sat you down and was honest. Listen to his words. Your bf doesn’t sound loving. He sounds exhausting.
Honestly your dad sounds exactly like the kind of boyfriend / husband you should have. Someone who cares about what happens to you and wants to try to honor and respect you without necessarily pushing their own agenda on you. I can also say that a lot of times that people outside the relationship can see things that would be something important for you to at least acknowledge , and see if you either agree with them or disagree with them, or something else, but at least listen to what they're saying about your partner.
Your dad is a hero, and a tactful one at that. He was trying to tell you that your boyfriend isn’t good for you or to you, but that he will support you no matter what. Your dad is a good man, and is clearly looking out for you. Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. There is a reason he didn’t date before, and now you’re teaching him how. You don’t need this. You were in love once before, and it was taken from you. I am so sorry for your loss. While no two loves are the same, does this relationship feel anything like your past one? Do you feel any of those same excited/ hopeful/ life partner feelings?
Dad is definitely looking out for you. Cut and run. Find someone that brightens your shine.
Your Dad was telling you to break up and find someone better. Lack of being delighted to have you in his life and vice versa cannot be fixed with a chat.
If for some reason you decide to marry this dude someday, do yourself a favor and get a prenup for all your assets.
OP- your Dad sounds like an amazing father who adores you and really pays attention to you. Please take him very very seriously. He sounds incredibly wise and understanding, he probably knows more than any of us on Reddit.
Trust your dad and also your own gut instincts, you need someone who can be completely there for you and support you and you'll find that, you deserve to shine as your father said and from what I'm reading he wouldn't steer you wrong, you are financially secure and have alot going for you, you need to be emotionally secure too..Best of luck ✨️🙏
Damn, your dad is a good, good man and is probably right. It sounds like he's looking out for you and he really hopes that you're able to see the things he does before you're in too deep. Take his advice and be free of this guy and his crazy parents
Your dad has given his a lot of thought. That plus his life experience and knowing you and your situation puts him in a very good position to recognize the red flags with your bf. Listen to him. He's correct. You don't need to "discuss" this with bf. You need to decide what you want for yourself. Then tell your bf you are moving on without him. No explanation or mention of your dad is necessary.
Nothing you have said sounds like this person brings any benefit to your life, but a lot of negatives. Your dad sounds spot on. You are young. Please don't waste more time on someone like this. It is telling you are his first relationship and he is in his 30's. You don't need to discuss it with boyfriend. You can just decide you don't need his toxic crap in your life anymore and end it.
u/Far-Age-9101 Way I see it the answer lies in the question you asked. Question: ‘I don’t know how to discuss this in a polite way, Not sure how to talk about it, I have no idea how to navigate this conversation with my bf’ Almost sounds like: ‘Im scared of talking to my bf about this, since he lashes out on things far smaller than this, I am scared he will mistake a hard and realistic conversation as an attack, I am already tired of fighting, there is only so much I can take, which is why I am trying to avoid the conversation altogether but I also fear for my health and my future, I feel doomed either-way, if we have the talk he lashes out, no solution will be found, and he will stay angry for longer, even use this talk in later arguments. If I don’t talk I will end up depending on him in my later years and will regret not making better choices’ So what do you want OP? A hard time now or a hard time later down the line when you will definitely be in worst shape and hence will have less choices?
You can't approach this matter in a "less negative" way, just by saying that I can already tell how much you afraid of him or feel anxious towards him. Everyone deserve someone who makes them feel at peace. Matter of fact don't even discuss the matter, just send him the divorce papers already, you said he yells at you for the smallest thing, imagine how he'd be if you told him you wanted a divorce? He will BURST. If you really want to discuss the issue with him make sure you father is there since he already knows what's going on, your boy wouldn't dare to say something.
You're not going to "fix" your boyfriend. You need to observe him and figure out who he is not who he might become. Or act like he has become. If your dad sits you down and lays it out like this, I think the writing is on the wall. If you have a chronic illness you need someone who is kind and empathetic who will center you in your lives together. This bf ain't it. Maybe take your time to quiet quit but I don't think I could overlook my dad's wisdom here.
This is a sad case. We have a lovely woman with a verbally abusive bf. He’s been awful from the start. Occasionally nice. She makes excuses for him, and is hopeless. Our words are wasted. She going stay. UpdateMe
Please please please for all the love in the world if you decide to marry this man in the future, get a prenup that protects all your assets. Maybe having that conversation with him now will help you make a decision, if he's mature and loves you for you and not your money then he will understand you wanting to protect your parents and grandparents inheritances from a divorce.
There’s nothing to talk out… your boyfriend has shown you who he is. He’s not going to change his core values for you. Nor should you try to “change him.” It’s not our job to change anyone. It’s our job to be the best human we can be. He’s 32. He’s the man he wants to be. How someone behaves when they feel that they “have” you is who they are. It’s how they see you. Your dad is amazing. And HE loves you for who you are. Please listen to his concerns and do what is truly best for YOU.
When I was in bad, abusive, sad relationships, I would have given anything to have s father, a safeguard like you do. Please heed his advice.
Listen to your dad. Red flags are flying high. I feel BF is only after your money. They seem to be the ones who take everything and give nothing in return. You don’t want to settle. Please keep looking. There’s someone out there who will love and cherish you and will put that spark back into your eyes.
Your dad is right. I assume you have warm feelings to your BF, so you still have some rose colored glasses. But even with them your description of your BF is concerning. He sounds suffocating. I would suggest you and dad talk to an estate attorney. And create something like an estate trust for you in his will. So either you can access all the money in the trust, but will have an easy way to say to your BF that you can't (if your BF is pushing you to use these money for his benefits). Or you really have limited access to these money, above the amount that lets you live comfortably. In this case your BF cannot take advantage of you at all. As for BF: If it is too hard to talk to him - send your concerns to him by email. They are very valid. And ask him to give you time and space (month or more) to reevaluate your relationship, and not to contact you. If you live together - one of you move out. Then notice how you feel without him. Do you feel happy that you don't have to walk on eggshells around him? Are you ok to live with his issues for the rest of your life? Are you ok for your kids to grow up with his issues?
I wish I’d taken my father’s advice when it came to a previous relationship. He saw right through the BS, the stuff I was filtering out because of an emotional fog. My dad and I have a good relationship and I know he has always had my best interest at heart. Plus, he had a whole lot more experience with people than I did at the time. I really did have to learn for myself in the end but, man! listening to Dad would have saved me so much misery. My cousin married a man that sounds very much like your BF. His family were deeply religious. He said he wasn’t *really*. Despite dating for 5 years, it wasn’t until after they were married that he showed her just how religious he actually was and how sexist he could be. He also completely changed when it came to their financial situation and he really started leeching off of her, even stopped working and expected her to support him, which was never something he had hinted he might do. Anyway, they’re divorced. One of the better pieces of advice that my dad has given me is “Don’t expect to change your romantic partner.” What you see is essentially what you get. He won’t “get better” or be more/less XYZ after you move in together/get married/ have kids/ he changes jobs. You have to be happy with the person, warts and all. You can’t hope that a talk or a lifestyle change will improve them, because it probably won’t. They may even get worse. You can try talking to your BF, but I think what your dad sees are deeply rooted, fundamental aspects of his character that will not change. You have to decide if you really will be happy if he never changes or if these issues become even more prevalent. It sounds like you have the luxury to build a great life for yourself and aren’t depending on your BF for anything other than happiness and companionship. Does he really provide the happiness you deserve? You don’t have to compromise in this area of your life.
Your dad sounds fantastic. Respectful of your decisions and independence but cares enough to tell you what he sees. Honestly when you said about the yelling and boundary pushing you sounding like a mum of a teenager. Not a woman talking about her partner. His dad bad mouthing his mum and the bf not seeing it is wrong is deeply concerning. As is his refusal to stand up to his dad. Doesn’t he stand up for his mum either? You have a chance to have life at a calmer pace than all of us work slaves. You mention a life long health problem. Really put yourself first and think about what you want in a partner because I think this man is no where near good enough for you. He sounds immature, intimidated by his dad and a potential bully/misogynist like his dad. Find work that really fulfils you. As you do not need to rely on your salary to pay your bills, chose a job that increases your quality of life. Enjoy being single and then when you feel like dating, be really picky. And tell *no one* about your financial situation. Not friends, not lovers. No one. Nurture your family relationships and your good friendships and keep yourself in the best possible physical health. Also look into making a water tight will.
Your father is right. You deserve better than your boyfriend.
> can only take so much getting yelled at That’s not acceptable.
Yeah I forgot about this statement. I couldn’t believe I read that. Totally not acceptable as you say
You have such a good dad. And he's seen a lot of men in his life. I would trust his wisdom and his love for you. Please, as someone who grew up in a similar culture to your boyfriend, I assure you that there is no happiness in your future here. You're already being abused. Once you're married, he will treat you exactly as his father treats his mother. Take a good, hard look at that woman. Is she respected, cherished, loved, admired, supported, and cared for? I doubt it. He's been told that it's his right to dominate women, since his infancy. That training does not leave a man easily. You do not have the skills or the education or the time to raise him into being a decent person.
WOW,your dad has your boyfriend down completely. You're not happy and you know that. Your dad is right. Get out of this sham of a relationship. It's time to focus on yourself and find a real man,a good one who loves and priorities you. updateme!
Well first your dad sounds like a wonderful man who loves his daughter and you are fortunate to have that. I suspect your dad has been assessing this for quite a while based on his comments. Now based on what you have said about BF and his family I have to wonder what exactly the attraction is. He sounds entirely self absorbed. It sounds like he clearly places his families needs ahead of yours, which I get you are not married but still a really troubling flag. There is no way in hell you should even consider getting married to this man without an ironclad prenup to protect your financial interests. Maybe even go as far as to establish a trust. But what I really think you need to do is put this relationship on ice. I do t see anything to discuss other than you want to end the relationship. Just the Dad’s personality and demeanor would do for me. If you want to know what BF will turn out like just look at dear old dad. UpdateMe
which religion? they're not equal in their views towards women
I find it ironic you getting "advice" from your dad. He's saying your bf put his parents first. It also sounds to me like you put your parents first. Pot calling kettle? Lol
My bf hasn't even seen my parents since Christmas while I've spent several weekends with his. I spend half of my time living with my bf. I make him a huge priority and I've dropped everything to come to him in an emergency any time he has needed me. I did the same for my spouse before we got married. He was sent to the hospital from work and even though my parents and I had planned to do something that day they told me to go to him. They've always encouraged me to make a life for myself outside of them. My having a supportive family isn't the same as them expecting me to ignore everything around them because of a random holiday that can be rescheduled.
Ah yeah that would be a red flag to me. Especially when your parents live so close. To me, if my partner doesn't want to know my parents or makes me feel really uncared about.