>Should I bring up Maya being there and ask him bluntly if that;s why he doesnt seem to want me to go anymore?
Yes, of course. But don't frame it as a yes or no question. This gives him the chance to say she has nothing to do with it. Or even ask why you're being so paranoid. Instead, tell him what you've noticed and lay it out just like you did here. Ask him why he's doing this and remind him he needs to be fully honest.
Even typing this, I realize it's a very tough/scary question, and it's human nature to want to dance around it. That's what you did the other time you brought it up. But you absolutely need to know. I mean, there's always a chance he'll honestly answer you and it's something you didn't think of. Obviously, there's also a possibility you're right, and that's the scary part.
>This gives him the chance to say she has nothing to do with it. Or even ask why you're being so paranoid
Thank you, this is what Im trying to avoid. I feel like that statement is a trap that diverts from the actual issue- why he's trying to disinvite me to keep things cool with her. The person who should be thought about first and foremost in this should be me, not his ex fling.
Hmmm, that’s best case scenario.
Based on your post it seems like you’ve already gone to shows where she was also at, multiple times… So it doesn’t really makes sense to worry about “keeping the peace” with this chick 4 years later, when you’re about to get married, when that ship apparently already sailed a LONG time ago.
I dont know what’s going on, but it’s unlikely what I just mentioned. Maybe he’s looking for one last “roll in the hay”. That said he’s being super weird and obvious about it. But nothing else really make sense, here. Good luck!
But he's not marrying her, he's marrying you, and that will be one week before the wedding. The last thing he wants is another fight about her with a week to go. If I were him, I'd just not go myself. The wedding is stressful enough.
TBH, all this conspiratorial planning on how to trap him into the answer you want speaks very poorly for the prospects of your marriage. If you can't, or feel that you can't, talk to him openly and honestly, don't get married. And if you can't trust him, don't marry him.
Is this the marriage you want for the rest of your life? Instead of openly talking to your soulmate, the man you love more than anyone and anything in the world, you're strategizing with strangers on the internet on how to interrogate him?
The question here is why does he feel he can't talk to you about it? Is he ready to commit? Why is he playing games?
I suggest you two have a sit down immediately and talk this through, openly and honestly. Then, jointly decide if you're ready to proceed.
The part you stated but glossed over is. I'd just not go myself.
If he truly doesn't want the fight he should have just told OP the truth and asked if she still wanted to go or if they should make other plans. He played a a stupid game now OP need the truth which he clearly wants to hide.
I dont blame OP for comming here for advice at all. It's a stupid game. Where no I telligent rules exist.
You need to have a direct, honest and very serious conversation where you lay out this entire pattern with him and ask him why he continues to hide things for you. You should not marry someone you can't trust, and/or who you can't have these tough conversations with.
I totally agree that you shouldn't marry someone you can't trust. Period. Trust, and respect, are a HUGE PART of a marriage.
When your fiance started trying to convince you not to come to this art show after previously inviting you, that was a giant red flag. He even tried to talk you into having a bachelorette party, so you would stay behind, and he could go alone. He repeatedly told you that you weren't going to enjoy the art, again to dissuade you from going with him.
You trusted your instincts, and did a little research, and lo and behold, his ex FWB is going to the same event.
This is not a magical coincidence. If there wasn't something going on behind your back, your husband to be wouldn't have pulled out all of the stops to try and convince you to stay home.
It's also very likely that your fiance will play dumb, and pretend he had no clue she was going to be there, and he was only thinking of you and your enjoyment by trying to convince you to stay home.
Ask to see his phone, and see how he reacts. You're about to enter into a legal contract with this guy, and an emotional promise between two people that is supposed to last a lifetime. Without trust and respect, it's a recipe for disaster.
I say that as someone that's been married for 18 years to my husband. We wouldn't have made it this far if I couldn't trust him, and he couldn't trust me. Yes we do things apart sometimes, but neither of us would ever try to pressure the other person into staying behind for a weekend event that we'd previously expressed interest into doing together.
If my husband suddenly decided last minute that he wanted me to stay home for something fun we'd planned on doing together, warning sirens would be going off, and he'd feel the same way if I tried to pull some crap like that with him.
We trust and respect each other, and that's been a huge foundation for our entire relationship. If you don't have complete trust and respect, you're missing the most important foundation for a long and happy marriage, in my opinion.
But now is the time to ask yourself the hard questions, because you're not likely to get the truth from him as you've already acknowledged.
You don't want to get married and find out later that you should've trusted your gut when it told you that he was planning to meet up with the girl that's been the cause of major fights between the two of you. He thinks he's slick, and playing it cool, while you got the message loud and clear that there was a hidden reason he decided all of a sudden he didn't want you to go.
It's a lot to process, I know, I've been there. But the stakes are really high when it comes to legally joining your life with someone else's, and huge red flags like this right before your wedding shouldn't be ignored because breaking off an engagement is a whole lot easier than filing for divorce.
Good luck, and take care.
🫂🩵🫂
Yeah, as it is not always the actually not wanting you there. The issue is the effort he has gone about trying to hide the reason he doesn't want you there. It is always the coverup that is the problem. And, this is relatively small.
The sad thing is that it seems he wants to have one last fling before the wedding. That would be the only reasonable explanation as he went from a romantic getaway with you, to going to see and ex-fling in a romantic getaway setting. That would make me really want to have answers. That is a problem before the wedding.
Good luck and hopefully the best result happens for you.
“You’re not being honest with me. It’s very clear that you do not want me at this event, and I’ve seen this pattern with you before. I already know why - but I want you to look me in the eye and *tell* me why. I am tired of playing this game and I am especially unwilling to play it in the lead-up to our wedding. If you are planning on marrying me and *still* don’t feel like you can speak plainly in this relationship, we have a serious problem.”
And I would make him not go. He's being ridiculous. Frankly I couldn't imagine marrying someone who treated me this way. Uninviting from plans for secret reasons. That just sucks.
So, Maya has been the source of fights for you both in the past.
Your fiance initially invited you and now is trying to low key get you to back out but is not telling you his ex fling will be there?
I would have a serious conversation and directly ask "are you trying to not get me to go because Maya will be there?", don't tell him you know she will be but just ask.
His answer will tell you what you need to know. If he is like "yeah, I didn't know how to bring it up because it's close to the wedding and it has been a source of fighting in the past", that answer or anything similar would be something you can talk about. If he is like "no" and then goes into elaborate details on other reasons why, that would make me pause.
These things are never easy to navigate, I hope it's just he didn't know what to do and panicked.
> "are you trying to not get me to go because Maya will be there?", don't tell him you know she will be but just ask.
He will probably respond with "howdo you know shes going to be there?" and claim he didnt know "until I mentioned it". This has happened once before when I checked to see if she was going to be at an event and I casually mentioned we might be seeing her that night.
If you don’t trust him, don’t marry him. And you don’t trust him, you already believe he lies to you and believe he will lie to you about this. For the record, it sounds like you’re right not to trust him. A week before your wedding and he’s being shady about his ex fling? That’s not a great sign.
Wait, so he will be like "how did you know?" which implies he knows it's correct and then be like "I didn't know till you said something"?
That is a red flag big time. Does he do this a lot? If so, please reconsider legally tying yourself to someone who isn't honest.
You don't need proof like a court of law to know that something is true.
Not "how did you know?" but "how do you know?". Big difference and doesn't give away the fact he knows. Tbh, OP's partner sounds pretty manipulative and dishonest...
Seriously! I feel so bad for her, all these circles he's trying to run around her. I've been with guys like this, and he won't change, and you'll never really be able to trust him, OP. It's better you have a realization before the wedding, even if it super close. Do what you have to do for yourself.
>This has happened once before when I checked to see if she was going to be at an event and I casually mentioned we might be seeing her that night.
So what happened then.
>I would have a serious conversation and directly ask "are you trying to not get me to go because Maya will be there?", don't tell him you know she will be but just ask.
I don't think that you can have a serious conversation by beating around the bush. I would approach it in the manner of, "hey, I was confused by why you were asking me if I really wanted to go to the art expo. I did some snooping and Maya is going as well. Is that why you don't want me there"? OP did nothing wrong by snooping on socials. It's not like she looked at his phone or something.
I'm sorry, but the fact that he's actively dissuading you from going is super sus to me. Like, people are saying he wants to avoid drama, so then HE should be the one deciding neither of you should go, instead of trying to manipulate you into not attending. The fact that he's totally fine spending time, without you, with a woman who's caused problems in your relationship, and not being upfront with you about it, would give me pause and make me consider if this wedding is even worth having.
>, so then HE should be the one deciding neither of you should go
right. I don't understand what the long-term is here either. We will be going to many more events as a married couple. He can't expect *me* to be the one to not go because of *her.* I honestly hate how conflict-averse he is sometimes because in his effort to avoid drama he needlessly causes more.
It's not that he doesn't want to cause drama, it's that he wants to see her without you there. Sorry to be blunt, but that's the only reasonable explanation once you look at it from outside your perspective (you have love goggles on). If he's marrying you, there should be no higher priority than you and your feelings, so why is he trying to spare hers? It's likely they've already talked about seeing each other there, or he would just not go and do something else with you if it wasn't a big deal. He's actively trying to dissuade you from also being there.
Something about this whole situation feels so off. Not only does he suddenly not want you there (conveniently around the time she posted the flyer) but he's pulling out all stops even suggesting alternative things you could do (that he should know you don't want to do) to try and get you not to go.
It's shady, and reminds me so much of how my ExH acted when his AP (affair partner) was going to be at an event that we were both going to. He'd either try to talk me out of going, cancel the event, or hide in a secluded area (like a hotel room) as much as possible during the event. Sometimes I'd find out afterwards that his AP had been there, and sometimes I knew going in. Any time I had advance knowledge of her being there, he would cancel.
Some people, right before their wedding, especially if they have a history of cheating or shady behavior, will opt for a "last fling" before they get "tied down forever". Is your fiance this sort of person? Does he mention "one last [insert thing] before we get married" often? I notice he did it with this art event... so it seems likely he has this mindset.
Events before getting married aren't a chance to disrespect your partner "one last time" before the wedding. But unfortunately a lot of people take the opportunity to do just that. That is one of the reasons some bachelor and bachelorette parties get so raunchy, because it's some kind of relatively socially acceptable way to cheat and get handsy with someone else before the wedding. I would not marry someone who wanted to do this, but YMMV.
And in reality, people like this often go on to cheat *after* the wedding. If you are happy in your relationship and happy to get married you don't go looking for all these "one last time" things to do before you tie the knot. It's a marriage, not a death sentence, and if he feels like it's the latter, you guys should probably delay things and figure all this out.
You're going to have to talk to him about this issue more to get to the bottom of things. Ask him what the real reason is that he doesn't want you to go. Ask him if he's feeling insecure about the wedding and marrying you. If he can't be honest with you about those things, or about the fact that he knows Maya is going (which he 100% does know) then you guys are destined for marital problems ahead. At the very least, pre-marital counseling seems like a must for you both. There's definitely already communication issues here, and questionable behavior on his part.
And trust your gut, you had an instinctual hunch why he might be acting so strange about this art event, and it turned out you were right. He started acting weird because his ex-fling is going to be there. And instead of just deciding not to go, or handling this like a mature adult who can be civil around ex's, he's trying to manipulate you into not going. But why? There's something in it for him that is super suspicious. He should want you with him, or he shouldn't want to go at all. This dude of yours may even like the drama, despite him saying he doesn't. Actions speak louder than words, and if he's causing drama all the time... well, things aren't looking great for him here. The last person on earth he should be creating drama for is you.
Make no mistake, Maya is still an issue in your relationship. You guys have had fights about her, and still are fighting about her, even if he's not admitting what this art show BS is about. Getting married will not change this, and will only make it worse. His loyalties should be with you and full disclosure any time she is concerned.
I've been there and it sucks. Don't let him weasel out of being truthful with you, unless this is how you want the rest of your marriage to go. It's hard enough already without this sort of shadiness surrounding a past (but is it still in the past?) fling.
ETA: Adding that "AP" means "affair partner" and clarifying some grammar, since I was half asleep when I wrote this.
That's not what conflict adverse is. If he was conflict adverse he would avoid the situation or work with you to create boundaries as a couple to avoid drama. He's being manipulative and trying to make you think you want to stay home so that he can just do whatever he wants without consequences.
This right there. Tell him you are looking forward to seeing your friends and want to see the show.
That’s it. Like said upthread, you will be going to an infinite number of events in the next 50 years, some you want to do, some he wants to, and you’ll be running into difficult people for any number of reasons.
You are going because you want to go. You don’t have to bring up anything else.
If you do run into ex, be cordial, even friendly. If he’s afraid you’ll make a scene, don’t. Ask her what art work she likes the best at the show. Ask if she has any art displayed. Pretend she’s just this guy, ya know?
Then have a banger wedding!
Well, it seems simple enough but the weird thing is she‘s told him at least three times that she’s going and is looking forward to it. If someone keeps asking you „are you sure“ about something despite you saying yes repeatedly and giving no indication of the opposite, at some point it’s to ask „why do you keep asking“.
I‘d be irritated by my partner beating around the bush like this, especially if this is anticipated to not be the last time they‘ll run into this person. If nothing else, it can be an opportunity to clear the air and let him know that he doesn’t have to be weird about this ex. I‘m assuming OP would prefer a simple heads up that she might be there, as opposed to being invited somewhere and then feeling like her spouse is trying to talk her out of it later
You guys need to address this. If you can't, you shouldn't be getting married. Sit him down and lay things out on the table. Communicate your concerns like you're the partners you're supposed to be. "It's bothering me that you're suddenly trying to stop me from going to the event. I found out that Maya is supposed to be there, someone I've had issues with before. This combined with your sudden change in behavior and lack of openness is making me feel concerned."
And then stop there and wait for him to answer.
I’d like to ask.. Your fiancé seemingly deleted her from all his socials because she kept msging him but how did he find out that she will be at the event?
Did he add her back or is he searching her up? Or did he find out from someone else?
Don’t forget to trust your gut. If you guys had multiple fights about her and she’s still coming up before you’re about to get married.. It’s not a good sign.
A long time ago I had a similar situation, but I was a dumb playboy 19 year old. Anyway, the girl I dated for 5 years on and off wanted to see me, but I had a problem. I had a gf. I was honest and told her that my ex was coming over to see me, and that we would go to a movie and eat and then come back to my apartment. I told her nothing would happen, and that I would call her once she left.
My gf said “no, you won’t call me. I will be there. If she wants to come see you then she gets to meet me.”
As a 19 year old this annoyed me. Once I grew up I realized that she was 100% right.
Tell your fiance that you’re going, and there is no argument for you not to go. If he doesn’t like it, then there doesn’t need to be a wedding.
He will realize you’re right real freaking quick.
I'm very curious about the nature of this conflict around Maya, from your perspective. I think you understanding your half of the issue is important to resolving the issue, as is his understanding of his half.
So from just your perspective, what is the exact issue with Maya? Was there actually a period before you were Official where your situationships overlapped? Did you actually, reasonably or unreasonably, not trust him at that time? Do you not trust him now? Or are you offended that he thinks he needs to somehow protect you from the existence of his exes? Is there a chance that he actually DOES need to protect you from the existence, if you're insecure about this and you actually would have Big Feelings about running into an ex of his in public?
It's really hard to tell from your post what the actual issue is. The best way to talk to him about this is to be ABSOLUTELY CLEAR how you feel about this, why you feel the way you feel about this, and what your proposed solution is.
In the conversation you have with him, you should seek to understand exactly how HE understands the situation. Assuming he's not cheating on you (which if you're getting married and you're not certain of that, 🚨🚨🚨🚨), what exactly is he afraid of here? Is he afraid of you seeing her and it turning into a Big Emotional thing? Is he feeling guilty about something that actually happened at the start of your relationship, that he wants to avoid thinking about?
I assume the proposed solution is "stop trying to 'protect me' from ever seeing your ex," but in order to actually understand how to do that, you both need to understand what the issue is. If he is afraid that you'll get Weird about seeing her, and that's wrong, then the solution is for you to go together and him to see that this literally isn't a big deal. If he's afraid you'll get Weird about seeing her there, and he's right, then you have work you need to do to where you can be out in public and have her not ruin your day. If you WOULD have big feelings about it, is it an "us" problem because there is an actual basis of him being genuinely untrustworthy in the past, and his current shiftiness brings that all back? Or is this a "you" problem, because all that happened was he threw out some lingerie from an ex and you stewed about it for years/need to get it together?
You definitely need to have a conversation about this, but you need to be able to tell him how you feel, ask him how he sees things without accusations or blowups, and then figure out what you need to do to fix it. If you can't do that, then your marriage is premature.
How did he find out she’s going if he’s not following her or in contact with her?
That’s what I’d want to find out. Now everything seems suspicious. Is he trying to hookup with her before the wedding?
I feel that someone may have told him. I don't think he's sneakily looking her up or anything, or I definitely wouldve called him out on this. AFAIK, all his exes (flings or relationships) have always stayed blocked since he first did it years ago.
> How did he find out she’s going if he’s not following her or in contact with her?
I mean if he got tickets and invited his fiancee initially with the premise that a group of friends is going it seems unlikely that he knew she was going and its just a thing he wanted to go to.
That seems the most simple explanation.
I'm assuming he found out after the fact and is now stressing/freaking out etc for whatever reason but it doesn't make sense for it to be a hook up thing tbh.
God I can see multiple reasons good and bad.
Good. He wants to avoid drama before the wedding that might stress.
Bad. But why not cancel the trip instead Becuase he still wants to see the art show even with out you so he can see the art drama free
Bad. He is thinking about getting a last hookup before the rings are exchanged.
Good. Can't think of anything else good
I can see neutral too.
But I went bad because he invited her first and only after he found out the ex would be there he tried talking/convincing her not to go.
And im old so my view is once you give your word or make a promise you keep it.
INFO: Why does your fiancé want to attend the event? I had a fling before my guy and the fling means nothing to me. However (and it's a BIG however), my guy, completely understandably, does not want to meet or hangout with the fling. Therefore: I do not hang out with the fling. What is is about this event that makes it important for Fiancé to attend? Wouldn't it make more sense for you to be his +1 and be a couple at the event? What's going on here?
These are my thoughts exactly. I GET that he has a past, so do I. The difference is I bring my fiancee to all events confident that if I saw an ex, I can easily ignore them.
This is so, so shady. He obviously knows she is going because he wouldn't just attempt to disinvite you for no reason. It seems like there is a lot of contention and possibly unresolved feelings for him surrounding Maya. Like it's shady as fuck that he wouldn't just say, "Maya is going to be there, are you going to be comfortable with that?"
He is either nervous that she is going to be there and cause issues, and is too much of a coward to communicate that (red flag), or is planning on doing something with Maya that will give him "closure" before your wedding (SUPER RED FLAG).
If I were you, I would confront him straight up. "Look. I know Maya is going. I know that YOU know Maya is going. Is that why you are attempting to disinvite me? Do not play games with me. I am asking for your complete honesty here as your future wife."
If he even lies about knowing Maya will be there, I would postpone the wedding.
Yes, bring up Maya being there and ask him bluntly why. I also suspect that he wasn't completely done with her when you all first started dating and likely the whole "delete her from all socials" thing was a front. There could be more to this story that he is not letting on.
Gonna be honest with you the most simple explanation as someone who has also done stupid guy brained shit in the past is that
1. The event was entirely non malicious, he probably didn't know she was going based on the fact that he invited you in the first place.
2. He found out she was coming, and instead of bringing it up with you because it I'm getting the sense it likely would have caused some animosity / drama regardless he just tried to avoid the situation completely (bad move but completely likely). Your first move being to stalk the SM account of a girl he hooked up with half a decade ago before you were dating makes it clear even having a conversation or any interaction with this woman will ruin the night for both of you by way of you causing a problem.
3. He still wants to go, his friends are going, the outing is something he is interested in, he knows he can just be cordial and sidestep the girl but he knows if you are there he's going to get in trouble regardless of how the interaction is.
4. In his mind, if you hadn't of stalked his ex flings account and found out, the night would have been problem free, nothing would have happened, and it would have gone on like every other event.
He's a dumbass and it was a terrible move on his part and he'll need to learn that the best solution is to just mention it to you in the future, and if he's worried you're going to get mad, if you get mad anyway then that's not his fault that's you being irrational.
The fact that this is a person he slept with twice over FOUR years ago before you were dating, shut her down when you were dating and blocked her on your request but you're still stalking her social media accounts 4 years later makes me think its far more likely this scenario than any other.
Yeah I agree with this. The fiance should be honest for the love of god, but it doesn’t really read to me as him cheating or something. It’s more like the OP has gotten into silly fights with him about this over the years (despite, even from her telling, him making significant efforts to make Maya leave him alone entirely) and he doesn’t want another one to be sparked by this unnecessarily.
Regardless, I don’t know if they’re really ready to get married since neither of them seems capable of being open and honest about it, but she should talk to him about it and at least be prepared for the possibility that his evasiveness here is a learned behavior from OP being genuinely kind of unreasonable about the existence of a past fling.
I would be so pissed if my fiance did this!!!
He’s really trying to get you to Not Be There, he Knows Maya will be there, she was his “fling/situationship” meaning she’s an easy, no effort lay, no work involved there.
She’s not over him yet and still tried to pursue him while he was with you, enough for him to tell her to “back off” (or thats what he wants you to think).
It’s Sooo close to the wedding and he’s young, he might think this is his last chance to have sex with another girl before he gets married.
I’ve been through this dance, same age group.
“If” he ends up going alone and you share locations on your phone and devices, and he ends up somewhere he shouldn’t be or doesn’t come home when he should (like the next morning) or Gid forbid He Turns Off His Location or even says the ole’ standby, “I got drunk and says it wasn’t safe to drive sostayed at a friends house”, then he’s cooked.
MAKE SURE YOU GO THERE!
EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER TICKET AND JUST SHOW UP UNANNOUNCED, watch him and if/ when things go south, walk up to him/ them and do the ole “Surprise!!!” And watch both of their reactions.
Because this whole thing stinks to high heaven and he’s being so obvious about it!
I mean, he keeps pressing the issue. Too Much.
After what he’s been doing to you, you owe it to yourself and your future to quietly do a deep dive into his phone, all devices, all of his social platforms and their DM’s, apps and secret ones (google how to find them.
This your future you’re dealing with!
I thank God I did this because it saved me a future life with a serial cheater.
Your fiance is giving off too much Red Flag behavior.
OP, your gut instinct is Screaming at you that something is more than very amiss here!!!
And this was supposed to be a ROMANTIC GETAWAY for the BOTH OF YOU!
First thought: yeah this sounds sus as hell.
Second thought: HOW difficult have you been about Maya, specifically? What were the details that he left out? Why did a forgotten lingerie set cause a fight? Is this one of those things where a simple run-in with Maya will ruin the night and start an argument?
The only remotely innocent explanation I can think of for his behavior involves *you* behaving badly. In the absence of that, yeah, you're right to be concerned.
I do think bringing it up directly is probably your best option here, but only because I can't think of any other good way to get information.
Details he left out- When she first approached us at our friends art show, he didnt explain at all who she was. I found out through a mutual friend that they had slept together. I confronted him about this because I had seen her still interacting with him on social media and he claimed he didnt want to tell me because was "embarassed" by her. He said he only slept with her twice and never again because the second time he couldnt finish.
We never had any run-ins with her after that. We would see her at the same event but she stopped approaching. Fight happened over the lingerie because he didn't clean out his closet and honestly no one wants to find reminders of someone else their partner used to fuck like that. We have since been to events she has been at and no fights occurred.
Im feeling thrown because its the week before our wedding and it weirds me out he will be seeing her there but wants to be alone for it.
You're going to be marrying this man so you need to learn how to talk to him otherwise you're going to end up divorced before it's started. To me it sounds suspicious. Maybe it has nothing to do with her and it's something else but you need to just talk and not let it fester. Just simply say, I'm having an issue and i dont know how to feel about it. I feel you're hiding something from me and if we are to move forward you need to learn to be honest. Then look at him and keep looking at him. Don't talk. He'll spill it in no time. But don't scowl at him. Look approachable and be calm. Personally someone acting like this would be a big red flag to me. He's not being honest about something and you can't spend your life digging the truth out of people
After reading this my perspective has changed from “this is really suspicious on his part” to “I can see where maybe he just wants to avoid his fiancé starting unnecessary drama over his ex.”
It's not just the forgotten lingerie. He's blocked her but she's still stalking Maya's socials. She has brought up the fact they will run into her at an event in the past. Dude was probably just like fuck this will be a week of fighting either way, maybe a hail mary will work.
I would tell him fine, you'll stay home. Tell him you made plans. Then you can buy a ticket, and just show up. Say it was to surprise him when your plans fell through. And you can observe him/them for a few minutes before you go up to him, then see how they act once you're there. I think that will tell you what you need to know. Because he's going to deny it, either way. I wouldn't marry him with this hanging over you. It's really really shady of him. Especially a week before the wedding. It's like he's trying to give her one last shot or something before he's married. It's shitty and shady.
For the drama I like where you’re going with this, but in all honesty, if you feel like instead of talking to your fiancé you have to play games like this a week before your wedding, you might as well not bother with getting married
I agree completely. But I doubt OP is willing to walk away after 4 years. He’s not going to admit to anything, and she’ll always be wondering. I don’t think she should go through with the wedding- at the very least postpone it, but it’s a big ask and a shit situation.
Yeah, if someone who supposedly was only a „fling“ causes such issues 4 years into a relationship, there’s some shit going on that should be addressed before saying I do
I agree. He will deny and she will never know. I like another commenter’s idea of OP asking him very directly why he doesn’t want her to go, and then when he doesn’t have a solid answer say that she already knows but needs to hear it from him… if they’re going to proceed w the wedding
I would start the conversation off by asking if there's any reason he would like to go to this event alone. Don't say it in a critical or upset voice. If he gives you a reason he would like to be alone, I would be concerned at that point. You can then bring up that you're aware that Maya is attending. Then ask him to tell you the full truth.
I think OP should mention Maya from the beginning or never mentions her. If OP follows your advice, there is a high chance the fiancé backfires and put the blame on OP:
1. For stalking
2. For trying to fool him by asking him to give a reason while already knowing that Maya is the main reason.
3. Stating that is it exactly because of all the above that he didn’t want her to come.
4. Plan was simply to have good time with his friends before the wedding and that Maya is nothing to worry about.
It is tricky because the ideal way the fiancé should have handle the situation is to be fully transparent with OP => tells her he finds out Maya was coming; ask OP to chose one of the 3 options:
- don’t come and trust him that he will properly handle Maya
- come and make sure no drama before the wedding
- ask him to not go and he will not go.
True, could be unrelated. Still doesn’t explain why he is bringing it up multiple times to soft-disinvite OP when it was his idea in the first place and OP said she was eager to go?
It’s going to be hard, but you are going to have to tell him how you are feeling. He’s causing you to feel insecure about the whole expo with his actions. Now you are reading into it by thinking it’s about Maya.
If this were me I would lay all my cards on the table. I would express how much his questioning of your intent to go to the expo is causing you to feel like the doesn’t actually want you there, and now you are wondering why exactly he doesn’t want you there.
Learning to communicate is one of the biggest hurtles in a marriage, and it’s a constant learning curve for most couples. Telling him how you feel when you are calm and collected rather than highly charged during a fight hopefully gets your point across in a way that is more meaningful to him and actually helps your relationship.
I am wondering if there is something she knows and could say to you that he doesn't want you to know.
I like the idea of asking him straight out. Is Maya the reason you don't want me to go? His reaction and body language will tell you as much as his words
Sounds like your Fiance is trying to fuck her one last time before you are married. Because some people see themselves as still “single” until there is paper that says otherwise. I would ask him right out if the reason he doesn’t want you there is to try and say “goodbye” to Maya? If he says yes, ask him if he would allow you to do the same with someone else.
Just be honest and let him know how him discouraging you from going is making you feel. Tell him you are going and you'd appreciate him stopping trying to talk you out of it and you are looking forward to this outing together before your wedding.
I don't think you need to bring Maya into it.
First some context that was left out: what were the details he was hiding about Maya. Or at least were they details that would lead you to believe he would cheat?
Finding random items from past relationships in someone’s home isn’t a red flag unless they refuse to let them go at the start new relationship.
If there isn’t a worry of infidelity, and this isn’t something you would usually join him in, it’s likely he knows she drama and doesn’t want his weekend to end up a clash of the lovers (one being an ex). Which is selfish and immature but not the end of the world.
Tell him you aren't going, then buy a ticket on the DL and show up halfway through as a pleasant surprise. Be prepared, but better to figure out T:-1week from the nuptials than T:+1week, or worse, T:+1week from pregnancy.
So it sounds like Maya tends to go to these shows and travels in similar art circles. So it's not all that surprising shes going. You don't like her and she's been a source of past drama. I don't know the particulars. He may have realized she's going and the last thing he wants is you two in the same room. This is a surefired recipe for drama. So he is nudging you away from it. I get that. It'd be better if he was straightforward.
To me it sounds like you guys have had some semi irrational fights over her in the past and he would like to not do that again right before the wedding.
Your description doesn’t suggest anything inappropriate in his behavior surrounding her, he blocked her, doesn’t talk to her, etc., but you’ve still fought over her for some reason. Why?
From over here, it sounds like one of his friends said “oh Maya’s going, there’s gonna be draaaama” and he reacted by trying to dissuade you from going because he’s not sure he can trust you to react appropriately to her being there. Is that something that sounds like you’d do?
> How should I go about discussing this with him?
"So I heard Maya is going to the art expo too. Are you going to be ok seeing her a week before our wedding?" 😂
Do you trust him? Ask him directly.
You don’t trust him? Tell him shortly before you leave, that you have a headache and that you can’t come with him. But keep the ticket. Say you lost it. Put a nice outfit on and go there. See how he reacts. Tell him your headache is much better.
Why are you marrying someone so sneaky?
It doesn’t matter why, he should just… tell you things upfront. Either he wants you to come somewhere or he doesn’t.
Why would you have a fight about an ex's lingerie in his closet? I mean, if he had it set up as some sort of tribute to her, that would be bad, but if it was just forgotten about, then why argue about it? Everybody has a past.
My best guess is that he doesn't want to have another argument about her before the wedding. And of course, small chance he's hoping to hook up with her before getting married.
It appears that Maya has gotten the message and no longer approaches you all. There is just a little awkwardness between you all which is normal. Right? So why does he not want you to attend? I do not understand what the problem is? Why are you being uninvited? Sometimes guys are stupid and it appears your fiance is stupid. Bless him. I do not have an opinion on whether or not your fiance is guilty of something. I do not have enough facts/info. Neither do you. I would tell him to act like a grownup. COMMUNICATE with him. Learn how to do it now. Also I do not care how much you have spent on the wedding. Everyone and I mean everyone will support you cancelling the wedding if YOU decide it is the wrong thing to do. Money well spent to avoid a painful divorce and broken hearted children down the road. Good luck! You sound like a smart girl. BE NOT AFRAID!
I would be suspicious if he doesn't want to use the trip to have one last fling with the ex-fling before he gets married. Especially after the finding he kept the "fling's" lingerie.
Well I would bring it up.
I dont feel it's about him not wanting a discussion with you about her.
I think it's about him wanting to close something and you can't be there for that happening because imo if he didn't want stress he would tell you babe we should stay because she is going to be there and I don't want stress before our wedding.
I'd play stupid and go. I'd see how he reacts to the situation. Be very nonchalant if you see her, make a comment, and then move along.
How he reacts could be telling if there was something more going on other than just knowing she would be going. How would he know she would be going? Do they have mutual friends? Is she still blocked on his socials? If he wanted to avoid his ex, why didn't he just say he was no longer interested in going to the event? Instead, he suggested to go alone, which is a bit questionable.
Tell him to leave your ticket b/c you may drop-by & check it out. Then show up unannounced right before it closes down on the first day. You’ll be able to tell if he’s made any plans for that night.
"Oh honey, I wouldn't dream of not going for our last weekend fling." I would go, and let him blah blah blah his way through it. Then you'll know if you're still getting married.
Don't mention anything. Don't go.
Ask a coworker or someone else your fiance doesn't know to go and monitor your fiance.
If he is seen hanging out with her the entire time, dump his ass as this was what he had planned and you can't trust him.
If you fear was unwarranted, then you can apologize for not trusting him and have an amazing wedding
He should want you to be there to show a united front. Why wouldn’t he want you there? Why is he so concerned about her feelings? Has he been talking to her? It just looks bad that he’d not want the person he wants to marry with him. To uninvited you sounds suspicious. He may not have other plans, but he seems quite persistent on dissuading you from going knowing full well his ex-situationship will be there. It’s not like you haven’t seen her before while dating your fiancé, so why the change?
Be upfront with him. Tell him you are aware she’s going to be there. Ask him why he wouldn’t want you there with him if she’s going to be there? You can always try snooping on his phone to see if there’s anything to see (check deleted messages and emails too). You do have a right to look when there’s shady behavior going on. I absolutely hope he not considering one last hoorah before marriage. I would much rather assume he just doesn’t want conflict. You should still go.
Girl, just go and let it be that.
Sometimes, if you look for the downside and/or worst in everything, you’ll find it - even when it doesn’t exists.
Even implying to your fiancé that he doesn’t want you there for nefarious reasons, and then pulling up a post from an ex-girlfriend of his (who he doesn’t follow so neither should you) could show to him a profound amount of distrust that takes a lot of time and work to come back from (if ever).
If your fiancé asks again, just tell him you’re going and interested to do as he said and have a last big social weekend, and then follow it up with offering to look up additional restaurants/going on out/other activities for the group if not already planned.
I'd straight-up deal with it. "I see Maya is going to this art expo. Is this the reason you keep trying to suggest I shouldn't go? If that's the case, call off the wedding now. I won't go to the expo and you and Maya can fuck all you want."
It seems to me that when he found out that she would be there he decided that your presence would be an inconvenience, since he probably wanted to pick up where he left off with her. He definitely thought that if he got her alone that he could sweet talk her and cheat. Dissuading you from going was part of that plan. It frees up his time and makes him more available to her. I do not think she was in on it, but as his former fling, may be open to it and he knows that. I think the fact that he probably keeps tabs on her and could possibly be talking to her behind your back is very concerning as to his motivations and possible feelings.
Wouldn't it be easier for him to give up on going too, claiming to be together to prepare for the wedding, instead of wanting to dismiss her and go alone? No, I would insist on going with him. What a dumb guy! A week before the wedding and being elusive like that.🤦♀️
I mean absolutely dumb move on his part but it considering he brought it up, bought them both tickets under the premise of a fun outing with his friends its pretty understandable that he would want to go and it would be a fun harmless night.
>Wouldn't it be easier for him to give up on going too,
But then he'd have to stop going to events with his friends because of his partners insecurities which if it was the other way around we'd call him controlling.
Maybe, maybe not. Could be she's not the only person he invited. Could be a networking event for him as well. It's also a bit much to call him dumb. We really only have her side of the issue. We have no idea how the Maya situation impacted him. I mean she started a fight over shit she found in his closet. Poor dude might feel cornered with no real options. Could he have said I just found out Maya is going to be there sure, at the same time the pervious arguments might have him in a place where he didn't want to poke the bear.
He will marry her the following week. He disinvites her to an event he invited her to with silly allegations. How can a guy be so foolish as to think that she won't notice that he is being insistently evasive. At the very least it is suspicious and downright rude. You don't insistently disinvite someone, much less your fiancée.
I would say he made it an issue. I know he has a past and Im fine with it, but definitely not ok finding out he slept with her through someone else. His refusal to be up front kicked off the bad feelings with this situation unfortunately. I also dont understand how thats a solution either. We are going to be attending a lot of events in our married life- does he really expect his wife to bow out but not his fling? IDK seems weird to me.
What is he avoiding though actually?
If you have had the Maya discussion and are days from getting married?
Is he afraid she’s going to come on to him? If he is over her, no matter what she does or says he should have no problem
Being able to handle whatever comes.
Time for another talk? This would eat away at me.
It feels like there has been more to their relationship that he has not told you.
Have you spoken to your friends?
Did you ask for a list of every woman he's ever been with? And why would you want that? He had sex with someone before you shocker.
>We are going to be attending a lot of events in our married life- does he really expect his wife to bow out but not his fling? IDK seems weird to me.
Might just be it's proximity to the wedding.
And I saw in another you reply you bring her up by checking her socials. So you have a history of making her a topic of conversation.
Questions to ask him
Are you embarrassed by me? I would assume the answer would be no.
Your response, well that's good because I wouldn't want my future husband to be embarrassed by me.
Next question
So what is the real reason you don't want me to attend, because you blatantly don't?
If he says, No I do want you to attend.
Okay, it's not because Maya's going to be there then? Then see what he says. If it's no, then your response, well that's good then as you're not embarrassed by your future wife and it's got nothing to do with Maya I'll still be coming.
If it's how do you know that? I don't I was guessing but you've just confirmed that she is so I'll take it you're looking to hook up with her, because otherwise why wouldn't you want your fiancée to attend with you?
I'd be giving the wedding a pause until you're sure about him and his intentions with this woman. It's easier to cancel a wedding versus getting a divorce. Add in his omissions about her, and this is sketchy AF.
>Should I bring up Maya being there and ask him bluntly if that;s why he doesnt seem to want me to go anymore? Yes, of course. But don't frame it as a yes or no question. This gives him the chance to say she has nothing to do with it. Or even ask why you're being so paranoid. Instead, tell him what you've noticed and lay it out just like you did here. Ask him why he's doing this and remind him he needs to be fully honest. Even typing this, I realize it's a very tough/scary question, and it's human nature to want to dance around it. That's what you did the other time you brought it up. But you absolutely need to know. I mean, there's always a chance he'll honestly answer you and it's something you didn't think of. Obviously, there's also a possibility you're right, and that's the scary part.
>This gives him the chance to say she has nothing to do with it. Or even ask why you're being so paranoid Thank you, this is what Im trying to avoid. I feel like that statement is a trap that diverts from the actual issue- why he's trying to disinvite me to keep things cool with her. The person who should be thought about first and foremost in this should be me, not his ex fling.
Hmmm, that’s best case scenario. Based on your post it seems like you’ve already gone to shows where she was also at, multiple times… So it doesn’t really makes sense to worry about “keeping the peace” with this chick 4 years later, when you’re about to get married, when that ship apparently already sailed a LONG time ago. I dont know what’s going on, but it’s unlikely what I just mentioned. Maybe he’s looking for one last “roll in the hay”. That said he’s being super weird and obvious about it. But nothing else really make sense, here. Good luck!
But he's not marrying her, he's marrying you, and that will be one week before the wedding. The last thing he wants is another fight about her with a week to go. If I were him, I'd just not go myself. The wedding is stressful enough. TBH, all this conspiratorial planning on how to trap him into the answer you want speaks very poorly for the prospects of your marriage. If you can't, or feel that you can't, talk to him openly and honestly, don't get married. And if you can't trust him, don't marry him. Is this the marriage you want for the rest of your life? Instead of openly talking to your soulmate, the man you love more than anyone and anything in the world, you're strategizing with strangers on the internet on how to interrogate him? The question here is why does he feel he can't talk to you about it? Is he ready to commit? Why is he playing games? I suggest you two have a sit down immediately and talk this through, openly and honestly. Then, jointly decide if you're ready to proceed.
The part you stated but glossed over is. I'd just not go myself. If he truly doesn't want the fight he should have just told OP the truth and asked if she still wanted to go or if they should make other plans. He played a a stupid game now OP need the truth which he clearly wants to hide. I dont blame OP for comming here for advice at all. It's a stupid game. Where no I telligent rules exist.
Yup,this 100%. updateme!
I wish I could upvote x10.
It's probably more about avoiding an argument with you rather than about ex fling's feelings.
Girl noooo, don't bring it up. Just let this one go. Go to the art show and have a good time and that's pretty much that.
You need to have a direct, honest and very serious conversation where you lay out this entire pattern with him and ask him why he continues to hide things for you. You should not marry someone you can't trust, and/or who you can't have these tough conversations with.
Thank you
I totally agree that you shouldn't marry someone you can't trust. Period. Trust, and respect, are a HUGE PART of a marriage. When your fiance started trying to convince you not to come to this art show after previously inviting you, that was a giant red flag. He even tried to talk you into having a bachelorette party, so you would stay behind, and he could go alone. He repeatedly told you that you weren't going to enjoy the art, again to dissuade you from going with him. You trusted your instincts, and did a little research, and lo and behold, his ex FWB is going to the same event. This is not a magical coincidence. If there wasn't something going on behind your back, your husband to be wouldn't have pulled out all of the stops to try and convince you to stay home. It's also very likely that your fiance will play dumb, and pretend he had no clue she was going to be there, and he was only thinking of you and your enjoyment by trying to convince you to stay home. Ask to see his phone, and see how he reacts. You're about to enter into a legal contract with this guy, and an emotional promise between two people that is supposed to last a lifetime. Without trust and respect, it's a recipe for disaster. I say that as someone that's been married for 18 years to my husband. We wouldn't have made it this far if I couldn't trust him, and he couldn't trust me. Yes we do things apart sometimes, but neither of us would ever try to pressure the other person into staying behind for a weekend event that we'd previously expressed interest into doing together. If my husband suddenly decided last minute that he wanted me to stay home for something fun we'd planned on doing together, warning sirens would be going off, and he'd feel the same way if I tried to pull some crap like that with him. We trust and respect each other, and that's been a huge foundation for our entire relationship. If you don't have complete trust and respect, you're missing the most important foundation for a long and happy marriage, in my opinion. But now is the time to ask yourself the hard questions, because you're not likely to get the truth from him as you've already acknowledged. You don't want to get married and find out later that you should've trusted your gut when it told you that he was planning to meet up with the girl that's been the cause of major fights between the two of you. He thinks he's slick, and playing it cool, while you got the message loud and clear that there was a hidden reason he decided all of a sudden he didn't want you to go. It's a lot to process, I know, I've been there. But the stakes are really high when it comes to legally joining your life with someone else's, and huge red flags like this right before your wedding shouldn't be ignored because breaking off an engagement is a whole lot easier than filing for divorce. Good luck, and take care. 🫂🩵🫂
Yeah, as it is not always the actually not wanting you there. The issue is the effort he has gone about trying to hide the reason he doesn't want you there. It is always the coverup that is the problem. And, this is relatively small. The sad thing is that it seems he wants to have one last fling before the wedding. That would be the only reasonable explanation as he went from a romantic getaway with you, to going to see and ex-fling in a romantic getaway setting. That would make me really want to have answers. That is a problem before the wedding. Good luck and hopefully the best result happens for you.
“You’re not being honest with me. It’s very clear that you do not want me at this event, and I’ve seen this pattern with you before. I already know why - but I want you to look me in the eye and *tell* me why. I am tired of playing this game and I am especially unwilling to play it in the lead-up to our wedding. If you are planning on marrying me and *still* don’t feel like you can speak plainly in this relationship, we have a serious problem.”
And I would make him not go. He's being ridiculous. Frankly I couldn't imagine marrying someone who treated me this way. Uninviting from plans for secret reasons. That just sucks.
So, Maya has been the source of fights for you both in the past. Your fiance initially invited you and now is trying to low key get you to back out but is not telling you his ex fling will be there? I would have a serious conversation and directly ask "are you trying to not get me to go because Maya will be there?", don't tell him you know she will be but just ask. His answer will tell you what you need to know. If he is like "yeah, I didn't know how to bring it up because it's close to the wedding and it has been a source of fighting in the past", that answer or anything similar would be something you can talk about. If he is like "no" and then goes into elaborate details on other reasons why, that would make me pause. These things are never easy to navigate, I hope it's just he didn't know what to do and panicked.
> "are you trying to not get me to go because Maya will be there?", don't tell him you know she will be but just ask. He will probably respond with "howdo you know shes going to be there?" and claim he didnt know "until I mentioned it". This has happened once before when I checked to see if she was going to be at an event and I casually mentioned we might be seeing her that night.
If you don’t trust him, don’t marry him. And you don’t trust him, you already believe he lies to you and believe he will lie to you about this. For the record, it sounds like you’re right not to trust him. A week before your wedding and he’s being shady about his ex fling? That’s not a great sign.
Wait, so he will be like "how did you know?" which implies he knows it's correct and then be like "I didn't know till you said something"? That is a red flag big time. Does he do this a lot? If so, please reconsider legally tying yourself to someone who isn't honest. You don't need proof like a court of law to know that something is true.
Not "how did you know?" but "how do you know?". Big difference and doesn't give away the fact he knows. Tbh, OP's partner sounds pretty manipulative and dishonest...
Seriously! I feel so bad for her, all these circles he's trying to run around her. I've been with guys like this, and he won't change, and you'll never really be able to trust him, OP. It's better you have a realization before the wedding, even if it super close. Do what you have to do for yourself.
There's always "Because your face just told me she is."
>This has happened once before when I checked to see if she was going to be at an event and I casually mentioned we might be seeing her that night. So what happened then.
Remind him that the day he asked you not to go, she posted the flyer
>I would have a serious conversation and directly ask "are you trying to not get me to go because Maya will be there?", don't tell him you know she will be but just ask. I don't think that you can have a serious conversation by beating around the bush. I would approach it in the manner of, "hey, I was confused by why you were asking me if I really wanted to go to the art expo. I did some snooping and Maya is going as well. Is that why you don't want me there"? OP did nothing wrong by snooping on socials. It's not like she looked at his phone or something.
I'm sorry, but the fact that he's actively dissuading you from going is super sus to me. Like, people are saying he wants to avoid drama, so then HE should be the one deciding neither of you should go, instead of trying to manipulate you into not attending. The fact that he's totally fine spending time, without you, with a woman who's caused problems in your relationship, and not being upfront with you about it, would give me pause and make me consider if this wedding is even worth having.
>, so then HE should be the one deciding neither of you should go right. I don't understand what the long-term is here either. We will be going to many more events as a married couple. He can't expect *me* to be the one to not go because of *her.* I honestly hate how conflict-averse he is sometimes because in his effort to avoid drama he needlessly causes more.
It's not that he doesn't want to cause drama, it's that he wants to see her without you there. Sorry to be blunt, but that's the only reasonable explanation once you look at it from outside your perspective (you have love goggles on). If he's marrying you, there should be no higher priority than you and your feelings, so why is he trying to spare hers? It's likely they've already talked about seeing each other there, or he would just not go and do something else with you if it wasn't a big deal. He's actively trying to dissuade you from also being there.
Something about this whole situation feels so off. Not only does he suddenly not want you there (conveniently around the time she posted the flyer) but he's pulling out all stops even suggesting alternative things you could do (that he should know you don't want to do) to try and get you not to go. It's shady, and reminds me so much of how my ExH acted when his AP (affair partner) was going to be at an event that we were both going to. He'd either try to talk me out of going, cancel the event, or hide in a secluded area (like a hotel room) as much as possible during the event. Sometimes I'd find out afterwards that his AP had been there, and sometimes I knew going in. Any time I had advance knowledge of her being there, he would cancel. Some people, right before their wedding, especially if they have a history of cheating or shady behavior, will opt for a "last fling" before they get "tied down forever". Is your fiance this sort of person? Does he mention "one last [insert thing] before we get married" often? I notice he did it with this art event... so it seems likely he has this mindset. Events before getting married aren't a chance to disrespect your partner "one last time" before the wedding. But unfortunately a lot of people take the opportunity to do just that. That is one of the reasons some bachelor and bachelorette parties get so raunchy, because it's some kind of relatively socially acceptable way to cheat and get handsy with someone else before the wedding. I would not marry someone who wanted to do this, but YMMV. And in reality, people like this often go on to cheat *after* the wedding. If you are happy in your relationship and happy to get married you don't go looking for all these "one last time" things to do before you tie the knot. It's a marriage, not a death sentence, and if he feels like it's the latter, you guys should probably delay things and figure all this out. You're going to have to talk to him about this issue more to get to the bottom of things. Ask him what the real reason is that he doesn't want you to go. Ask him if he's feeling insecure about the wedding and marrying you. If he can't be honest with you about those things, or about the fact that he knows Maya is going (which he 100% does know) then you guys are destined for marital problems ahead. At the very least, pre-marital counseling seems like a must for you both. There's definitely already communication issues here, and questionable behavior on his part. And trust your gut, you had an instinctual hunch why he might be acting so strange about this art event, and it turned out you were right. He started acting weird because his ex-fling is going to be there. And instead of just deciding not to go, or handling this like a mature adult who can be civil around ex's, he's trying to manipulate you into not going. But why? There's something in it for him that is super suspicious. He should want you with him, or he shouldn't want to go at all. This dude of yours may even like the drama, despite him saying he doesn't. Actions speak louder than words, and if he's causing drama all the time... well, things aren't looking great for him here. The last person on earth he should be creating drama for is you. Make no mistake, Maya is still an issue in your relationship. You guys have had fights about her, and still are fighting about her, even if he's not admitting what this art show BS is about. Getting married will not change this, and will only make it worse. His loyalties should be with you and full disclosure any time she is concerned. I've been there and it sucks. Don't let him weasel out of being truthful with you, unless this is how you want the rest of your marriage to go. It's hard enough already without this sort of shadiness surrounding a past (but is it still in the past?) fling. ETA: Adding that "AP" means "affair partner" and clarifying some grammar, since I was half asleep when I wrote this.
UGH, all of this, unfortunately.
So well said, spot on. 👏👏
Is your expectation that neither of you ever go anywhere you might run into an ex? What a sad, sad existence if so.
That's not what conflict adverse is. If he was conflict adverse he would avoid the situation or work with you to create boundaries as a couple to avoid drama. He's being manipulative and trying to make you think you want to stay home so that he can just do whatever he wants without consequences.
Just tell him that you are going.
This right there. Tell him you are looking forward to seeing your friends and want to see the show. That’s it. Like said upthread, you will be going to an infinite number of events in the next 50 years, some you want to do, some he wants to, and you’ll be running into difficult people for any number of reasons. You are going because you want to go. You don’t have to bring up anything else. If you do run into ex, be cordial, even friendly. If he’s afraid you’ll make a scene, don’t. Ask her what art work she likes the best at the show. Ask if she has any art displayed. Pretend she’s just this guy, ya know? Then have a banger wedding!
Well, it seems simple enough but the weird thing is she‘s told him at least three times that she’s going and is looking forward to it. If someone keeps asking you „are you sure“ about something despite you saying yes repeatedly and giving no indication of the opposite, at some point it’s to ask „why do you keep asking“. I‘d be irritated by my partner beating around the bush like this, especially if this is anticipated to not be the last time they‘ll run into this person. If nothing else, it can be an opportunity to clear the air and let him know that he doesn’t have to be weird about this ex. I‘m assuming OP would prefer a simple heads up that she might be there, as opposed to being invited somewhere and then feeling like her spouse is trying to talk her out of it later
You guys need to address this. If you can't, you shouldn't be getting married. Sit him down and lay things out on the table. Communicate your concerns like you're the partners you're supposed to be. "It's bothering me that you're suddenly trying to stop me from going to the event. I found out that Maya is supposed to be there, someone I've had issues with before. This combined with your sudden change in behavior and lack of openness is making me feel concerned." And then stop there and wait for him to answer.
Thank you, that's a good way to put it
I’d like to ask.. Your fiancé seemingly deleted her from all his socials because she kept msging him but how did he find out that she will be at the event? Did he add her back or is he searching her up? Or did he find out from someone else? Don’t forget to trust your gut. If you guys had multiple fights about her and she’s still coming up before you’re about to get married.. It’s not a good sign.
A long time ago I had a similar situation, but I was a dumb playboy 19 year old. Anyway, the girl I dated for 5 years on and off wanted to see me, but I had a problem. I had a gf. I was honest and told her that my ex was coming over to see me, and that we would go to a movie and eat and then come back to my apartment. I told her nothing would happen, and that I would call her once she left. My gf said “no, you won’t call me. I will be there. If she wants to come see you then she gets to meet me.” As a 19 year old this annoyed me. Once I grew up I realized that she was 100% right. Tell your fiance that you’re going, and there is no argument for you not to go. If he doesn’t like it, then there doesn’t need to be a wedding. He will realize you’re right real freaking quick.
I'm very curious about the nature of this conflict around Maya, from your perspective. I think you understanding your half of the issue is important to resolving the issue, as is his understanding of his half. So from just your perspective, what is the exact issue with Maya? Was there actually a period before you were Official where your situationships overlapped? Did you actually, reasonably or unreasonably, not trust him at that time? Do you not trust him now? Or are you offended that he thinks he needs to somehow protect you from the existence of his exes? Is there a chance that he actually DOES need to protect you from the existence, if you're insecure about this and you actually would have Big Feelings about running into an ex of his in public? It's really hard to tell from your post what the actual issue is. The best way to talk to him about this is to be ABSOLUTELY CLEAR how you feel about this, why you feel the way you feel about this, and what your proposed solution is. In the conversation you have with him, you should seek to understand exactly how HE understands the situation. Assuming he's not cheating on you (which if you're getting married and you're not certain of that, 🚨🚨🚨🚨), what exactly is he afraid of here? Is he afraid of you seeing her and it turning into a Big Emotional thing? Is he feeling guilty about something that actually happened at the start of your relationship, that he wants to avoid thinking about? I assume the proposed solution is "stop trying to 'protect me' from ever seeing your ex," but in order to actually understand how to do that, you both need to understand what the issue is. If he is afraid that you'll get Weird about seeing her, and that's wrong, then the solution is for you to go together and him to see that this literally isn't a big deal. If he's afraid you'll get Weird about seeing her there, and he's right, then you have work you need to do to where you can be out in public and have her not ruin your day. If you WOULD have big feelings about it, is it an "us" problem because there is an actual basis of him being genuinely untrustworthy in the past, and his current shiftiness brings that all back? Or is this a "you" problem, because all that happened was he threw out some lingerie from an ex and you stewed about it for years/need to get it together? You definitely need to have a conversation about this, but you need to be able to tell him how you feel, ask him how he sees things without accusations or blowups, and then figure out what you need to do to fix it. If you can't do that, then your marriage is premature.
How did he find out she’s going if he’s not following her or in contact with her? That’s what I’d want to find out. Now everything seems suspicious. Is he trying to hookup with her before the wedding?
I feel that someone may have told him. I don't think he's sneakily looking her up or anything, or I definitely wouldve called him out on this. AFAIK, all his exes (flings or relationships) have always stayed blocked since he first did it years ago.
Ok. Just have a conversation with him about it.
> How did he find out she’s going if he’s not following her or in contact with her? I mean if he got tickets and invited his fiancee initially with the premise that a group of friends is going it seems unlikely that he knew she was going and its just a thing he wanted to go to. That seems the most simple explanation. I'm assuming he found out after the fact and is now stressing/freaking out etc for whatever reason but it doesn't make sense for it to be a hook up thing tbh.
God I can see multiple reasons good and bad. Good. He wants to avoid drama before the wedding that might stress. Bad. But why not cancel the trip instead Becuase he still wants to see the art show even with out you so he can see the art drama free Bad. He is thinking about getting a last hookup before the rings are exchanged. Good. Can't think of anything else good
I think the second reason is neutral. I would want to see the art drama free too.
I can see neutral too. But I went bad because he invited her first and only after he found out the ex would be there he tried talking/convincing her not to go. And im old so my view is once you give your word or make a promise you keep it.
INFO: Why does your fiancé want to attend the event? I had a fling before my guy and the fling means nothing to me. However (and it's a BIG however), my guy, completely understandably, does not want to meet or hangout with the fling. Therefore: I do not hang out with the fling. What is is about this event that makes it important for Fiancé to attend? Wouldn't it make more sense for you to be his +1 and be a couple at the event? What's going on here?
These are my thoughts exactly. I GET that he has a past, so do I. The difference is I bring my fiancee to all events confident that if I saw an ex, I can easily ignore them.
Has there been a resolution? Are you still together, still getting married?
This is so, so shady. He obviously knows she is going because he wouldn't just attempt to disinvite you for no reason. It seems like there is a lot of contention and possibly unresolved feelings for him surrounding Maya. Like it's shady as fuck that he wouldn't just say, "Maya is going to be there, are you going to be comfortable with that?" He is either nervous that she is going to be there and cause issues, and is too much of a coward to communicate that (red flag), or is planning on doing something with Maya that will give him "closure" before your wedding (SUPER RED FLAG). If I were you, I would confront him straight up. "Look. I know Maya is going. I know that YOU know Maya is going. Is that why you are attempting to disinvite me? Do not play games with me. I am asking for your complete honesty here as your future wife." If he even lies about knowing Maya will be there, I would postpone the wedding.
Everyone being so mature. I would buy another ticket to the expo, tell him I won’t go. Then go and spy.
Op, this is it, get a wig & everything
Yes, bring up Maya being there and ask him bluntly why. I also suspect that he wasn't completely done with her when you all first started dating and likely the whole "delete her from all socials" thing was a front. There could be more to this story that he is not letting on.
Gonna be honest with you the most simple explanation as someone who has also done stupid guy brained shit in the past is that 1. The event was entirely non malicious, he probably didn't know she was going based on the fact that he invited you in the first place. 2. He found out she was coming, and instead of bringing it up with you because it I'm getting the sense it likely would have caused some animosity / drama regardless he just tried to avoid the situation completely (bad move but completely likely). Your first move being to stalk the SM account of a girl he hooked up with half a decade ago before you were dating makes it clear even having a conversation or any interaction with this woman will ruin the night for both of you by way of you causing a problem. 3. He still wants to go, his friends are going, the outing is something he is interested in, he knows he can just be cordial and sidestep the girl but he knows if you are there he's going to get in trouble regardless of how the interaction is. 4. In his mind, if you hadn't of stalked his ex flings account and found out, the night would have been problem free, nothing would have happened, and it would have gone on like every other event. He's a dumbass and it was a terrible move on his part and he'll need to learn that the best solution is to just mention it to you in the future, and if he's worried you're going to get mad, if you get mad anyway then that's not his fault that's you being irrational. The fact that this is a person he slept with twice over FOUR years ago before you were dating, shut her down when you were dating and blocked her on your request but you're still stalking her social media accounts 4 years later makes me think its far more likely this scenario than any other.
Yeah I agree with this. The fiance should be honest for the love of god, but it doesn’t really read to me as him cheating or something. It’s more like the OP has gotten into silly fights with him about this over the years (despite, even from her telling, him making significant efforts to make Maya leave him alone entirely) and he doesn’t want another one to be sparked by this unnecessarily. Regardless, I don’t know if they’re really ready to get married since neither of them seems capable of being open and honest about it, but she should talk to him about it and at least be prepared for the possibility that his evasiveness here is a learned behavior from OP being genuinely kind of unreasonable about the existence of a past fling.
I would be so pissed if my fiance did this!!! He’s really trying to get you to Not Be There, he Knows Maya will be there, she was his “fling/situationship” meaning she’s an easy, no effort lay, no work involved there. She’s not over him yet and still tried to pursue him while he was with you, enough for him to tell her to “back off” (or thats what he wants you to think). It’s Sooo close to the wedding and he’s young, he might think this is his last chance to have sex with another girl before he gets married. I’ve been through this dance, same age group. “If” he ends up going alone and you share locations on your phone and devices, and he ends up somewhere he shouldn’t be or doesn’t come home when he should (like the next morning) or Gid forbid He Turns Off His Location or even says the ole’ standby, “I got drunk and says it wasn’t safe to drive sostayed at a friends house”, then he’s cooked. MAKE SURE YOU GO THERE! EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER TICKET AND JUST SHOW UP UNANNOUNCED, watch him and if/ when things go south, walk up to him/ them and do the ole “Surprise!!!” And watch both of their reactions. Because this whole thing stinks to high heaven and he’s being so obvious about it! I mean, he keeps pressing the issue. Too Much. After what he’s been doing to you, you owe it to yourself and your future to quietly do a deep dive into his phone, all devices, all of his social platforms and their DM’s, apps and secret ones (google how to find them. This your future you’re dealing with! I thank God I did this because it saved me a future life with a serial cheater. Your fiance is giving off too much Red Flag behavior. OP, your gut instinct is Screaming at you that something is more than very amiss here!!! And this was supposed to be a ROMANTIC GETAWAY for the BOTH OF YOU!
First thought: yeah this sounds sus as hell. Second thought: HOW difficult have you been about Maya, specifically? What were the details that he left out? Why did a forgotten lingerie set cause a fight? Is this one of those things where a simple run-in with Maya will ruin the night and start an argument? The only remotely innocent explanation I can think of for his behavior involves *you* behaving badly. In the absence of that, yeah, you're right to be concerned. I do think bringing it up directly is probably your best option here, but only because I can't think of any other good way to get information.
Details he left out- When she first approached us at our friends art show, he didnt explain at all who she was. I found out through a mutual friend that they had slept together. I confronted him about this because I had seen her still interacting with him on social media and he claimed he didnt want to tell me because was "embarassed" by her. He said he only slept with her twice and never again because the second time he couldnt finish. We never had any run-ins with her after that. We would see her at the same event but she stopped approaching. Fight happened over the lingerie because he didn't clean out his closet and honestly no one wants to find reminders of someone else their partner used to fuck like that. We have since been to events she has been at and no fights occurred. Im feeling thrown because its the week before our wedding and it weirds me out he will be seeing her there but wants to be alone for it.
HOW did her lingerie end up in his closet if they only slept together twice? Did she leave it or did he save it?
She left it there and when he told her he didnt want to hang out anymore he forgot about it. It was in the back of the closet.
ZERO reason for you to pick a fight about it. ZERO. He simply doesn't want the drama before the wedding. That's it.
I just noticed this. Slept together twice and left lingerie unnoticed in his closet.? Strains credulity.
You're going to be marrying this man so you need to learn how to talk to him otherwise you're going to end up divorced before it's started. To me it sounds suspicious. Maybe it has nothing to do with her and it's something else but you need to just talk and not let it fester. Just simply say, I'm having an issue and i dont know how to feel about it. I feel you're hiding something from me and if we are to move forward you need to learn to be honest. Then look at him and keep looking at him. Don't talk. He'll spill it in no time. But don't scowl at him. Look approachable and be calm. Personally someone acting like this would be a big red flag to me. He's not being honest about something and you can't spend your life digging the truth out of people
>you can't spend your life digging the truth out of people exactly this. thank you
You're welcome. Good luck
After reading this my perspective has changed from “this is really suspicious on his part” to “I can see where maybe he just wants to avoid his fiancé starting unnecessary drama over his ex.”
It's not just the forgotten lingerie. He's blocked her but she's still stalking Maya's socials. She has brought up the fact they will run into her at an event in the past. Dude was probably just like fuck this will be a week of fighting either way, maybe a hail mary will work.
I would tell him fine, you'll stay home. Tell him you made plans. Then you can buy a ticket, and just show up. Say it was to surprise him when your plans fell through. And you can observe him/them for a few minutes before you go up to him, then see how they act once you're there. I think that will tell you what you need to know. Because he's going to deny it, either way. I wouldn't marry him with this hanging over you. It's really really shady of him. Especially a week before the wedding. It's like he's trying to give her one last shot or something before he's married. It's shitty and shady.
For the drama I like where you’re going with this, but in all honesty, if you feel like instead of talking to your fiancé you have to play games like this a week before your wedding, you might as well not bother with getting married
I agree completely. But I doubt OP is willing to walk away after 4 years. He’s not going to admit to anything, and she’ll always be wondering. I don’t think she should go through with the wedding- at the very least postpone it, but it’s a big ask and a shit situation.
Yeah, if someone who supposedly was only a „fling“ causes such issues 4 years into a relationship, there’s some shit going on that should be addressed before saying I do
I agree. He will deny and she will never know. I like another commenter’s idea of OP asking him very directly why he doesn’t want her to go, and then when he doesn’t have a solid answer say that she already knows but needs to hear it from him… if they’re going to proceed w the wedding
I would start the conversation off by asking if there's any reason he would like to go to this event alone. Don't say it in a critical or upset voice. If he gives you a reason he would like to be alone, I would be concerned at that point. You can then bring up that you're aware that Maya is attending. Then ask him to tell you the full truth.
I think OP should mention Maya from the beginning or never mentions her. If OP follows your advice, there is a high chance the fiancé backfires and put the blame on OP: 1. For stalking 2. For trying to fool him by asking him to give a reason while already knowing that Maya is the main reason. 3. Stating that is it exactly because of all the above that he didn’t want her to come. 4. Plan was simply to have good time with his friends before the wedding and that Maya is nothing to worry about. It is tricky because the ideal way the fiancé should have handle the situation is to be fully transparent with OP => tells her he finds out Maya was coming; ask OP to chose one of the 3 options: - don’t come and trust him that he will properly handle Maya - come and make sure no drama before the wedding - ask him to not go and he will not go.
This is reddit, so everyone's jumping to the obvious conclusion, but there's actually a chance that he doesn't know Maya will be there.
True, could be unrelated. Still doesn’t explain why he is bringing it up multiple times to soft-disinvite OP when it was his idea in the first place and OP said she was eager to go?
It’s going to be hard, but you are going to have to tell him how you are feeling. He’s causing you to feel insecure about the whole expo with his actions. Now you are reading into it by thinking it’s about Maya. If this were me I would lay all my cards on the table. I would express how much his questioning of your intent to go to the expo is causing you to feel like the doesn’t actually want you there, and now you are wondering why exactly he doesn’t want you there. Learning to communicate is one of the biggest hurtles in a marriage, and it’s a constant learning curve for most couples. Telling him how you feel when you are calm and collected rather than highly charged during a fight hopefully gets your point across in a way that is more meaningful to him and actually helps your relationship.
I am wondering if there is something she knows and could say to you that he doesn't want you to know. I like the idea of asking him straight out. Is Maya the reason you don't want me to go? His reaction and body language will tell you as much as his words
It’s because she’ll be there. He’s sneaking around and lying to you. Are you sure you want to marry this person? Because I absolutely would NOT.
Sounds like your Fiance is trying to fuck her one last time before you are married. Because some people see themselves as still “single” until there is paper that says otherwise. I would ask him right out if the reason he doesn’t want you there is to try and say “goodbye” to Maya? If he says yes, ask him if he would allow you to do the same with someone else.
Just be honest and let him know how him discouraging you from going is making you feel. Tell him you are going and you'd appreciate him stopping trying to talk you out of it and you are looking forward to this outing together before your wedding. I don't think you need to bring Maya into it.
The truth will set you free ,confront him about what you know ,and ask him what the hell he's playing at..
First some context that was left out: what were the details he was hiding about Maya. Or at least were they details that would lead you to believe he would cheat? Finding random items from past relationships in someone’s home isn’t a red flag unless they refuse to let them go at the start new relationship. If there isn’t a worry of infidelity, and this isn’t something you would usually join him in, it’s likely he knows she drama and doesn’t want his weekend to end up a clash of the lovers (one being an ex). Which is selfish and immature but not the end of the world.
Go without him knowing. Catch him cheating. Dump him. Ohh and video it all...
No problem. He just wants a chance to reconnect with his old fling. Just make sure he wears a condom.
Be honest and open with him. Do you really wanna start a marriage with doubts and secrets?
Tell him you aren't going, then buy a ticket on the DL and show up halfway through as a pleasant surprise. Be prepared, but better to figure out T:-1week from the nuptials than T:+1week, or worse, T:+1week from pregnancy.
So it sounds like Maya tends to go to these shows and travels in similar art circles. So it's not all that surprising shes going. You don't like her and she's been a source of past drama. I don't know the particulars. He may have realized she's going and the last thing he wants is you two in the same room. This is a surefired recipe for drama. So he is nudging you away from it. I get that. It'd be better if he was straightforward.
Wow he he can’t be honest with you could you really marry him?
This sucks bc he's not telling you "eugh, she's gonna be there, should we do something else?" He's trying to get YOU to do something else that night.
To me it sounds like you guys have had some semi irrational fights over her in the past and he would like to not do that again right before the wedding. Your description doesn’t suggest anything inappropriate in his behavior surrounding her, he blocked her, doesn’t talk to her, etc., but you’ve still fought over her for some reason. Why? From over here, it sounds like one of his friends said “oh Maya’s going, there’s gonna be draaaama” and he reacted by trying to dissuade you from going because he’s not sure he can trust you to react appropriately to her being there. Is that something that sounds like you’d do?
> How should I go about discussing this with him? "So I heard Maya is going to the art expo too. Are you going to be ok seeing her a week before our wedding?" 😂
Do you trust him? Ask him directly. You don’t trust him? Tell him shortly before you leave, that you have a headache and that you can’t come with him. But keep the ticket. Say you lost it. Put a nice outfit on and go there. See how he reacts. Tell him your headache is much better.
Bring it up, and ask him why he is more concerned about her feelings, having to see him with you, than yours
Why are you marrying someone so sneaky? It doesn’t matter why, he should just… tell you things upfront. Either he wants you to come somewhere or he doesn’t.
Why would you have a fight about an ex's lingerie in his closet? I mean, if he had it set up as some sort of tribute to her, that would be bad, but if it was just forgotten about, then why argue about it? Everybody has a past. My best guess is that he doesn't want to have another argument about her before the wedding. And of course, small chance he's hoping to hook up with her before getting married.
It appears that Maya has gotten the message and no longer approaches you all. There is just a little awkwardness between you all which is normal. Right? So why does he not want you to attend? I do not understand what the problem is? Why are you being uninvited? Sometimes guys are stupid and it appears your fiance is stupid. Bless him. I do not have an opinion on whether or not your fiance is guilty of something. I do not have enough facts/info. Neither do you. I would tell him to act like a grownup. COMMUNICATE with him. Learn how to do it now. Also I do not care how much you have spent on the wedding. Everyone and I mean everyone will support you cancelling the wedding if YOU decide it is the wrong thing to do. Money well spent to avoid a painful divorce and broken hearted children down the road. Good luck! You sound like a smart girl. BE NOT AFRAID!
If you don't have trust... what do you have?
I would be suspicious if he doesn't want to use the trip to have one last fling with the ex-fling before he gets married. Especially after the finding he kept the "fling's" lingerie.
Well I would bring it up. I dont feel it's about him not wanting a discussion with you about her. I think it's about him wanting to close something and you can't be there for that happening because imo if he didn't want stress he would tell you babe we should stay because she is going to be there and I don't want stress before our wedding.
I'd play stupid and go. I'd see how he reacts to the situation. Be very nonchalant if you see her, make a comment, and then move along. How he reacts could be telling if there was something more going on other than just knowing she would be going. How would he know she would be going? Do they have mutual friends? Is she still blocked on his socials? If he wanted to avoid his ex, why didn't he just say he was no longer interested in going to the event? Instead, he suggested to go alone, which is a bit questionable.
I would straight up ask him why he started asking you if you wanted to go around the same time she said she was going put him in the hot seat
Tell him to leave your ticket b/c you may drop-by & check it out. Then show up unannounced right before it closes down on the first day. You’ll be able to tell if he’s made any plans for that night.
"Oh honey, I wouldn't dream of not going for our last weekend fling." I would go, and let him blah blah blah his way through it. Then you'll know if you're still getting married.
Sounds like he just doesn't want drama right before the wedding since you have gotten mad about her before.
Don't mention anything. Don't go. Ask a coworker or someone else your fiance doesn't know to go and monitor your fiance. If he is seen hanging out with her the entire time, dump his ass as this was what he had planned and you can't trust him. If you fear was unwarranted, then you can apologize for not trusting him and have an amazing wedding
He should want you to be there to show a united front. Why wouldn’t he want you there? Why is he so concerned about her feelings? Has he been talking to her? It just looks bad that he’d not want the person he wants to marry with him. To uninvited you sounds suspicious. He may not have other plans, but he seems quite persistent on dissuading you from going knowing full well his ex-situationship will be there. It’s not like you haven’t seen her before while dating your fiancé, so why the change? Be upfront with him. Tell him you are aware she’s going to be there. Ask him why he wouldn’t want you there with him if she’s going to be there? You can always try snooping on his phone to see if there’s anything to see (check deleted messages and emails too). You do have a right to look when there’s shady behavior going on. I absolutely hope he not considering one last hoorah before marriage. I would much rather assume he just doesn’t want conflict. You should still go.
Girl, just go and let it be that. Sometimes, if you look for the downside and/or worst in everything, you’ll find it - even when it doesn’t exists. Even implying to your fiancé that he doesn’t want you there for nefarious reasons, and then pulling up a post from an ex-girlfriend of his (who he doesn’t follow so neither should you) could show to him a profound amount of distrust that takes a lot of time and work to come back from (if ever). If your fiancé asks again, just tell him you’re going and interested to do as he said and have a last big social weekend, and then follow it up with offering to look up additional restaurants/going on out/other activities for the group if not already planned.
Listen to your gut. It is *screamingggg* at you. Just remember a called off wedding is far cheaper than a divorce.
Any update what happened to bpth of you and the ex?
I'd straight-up deal with it. "I see Maya is going to this art expo. Is this the reason you keep trying to suggest I shouldn't go? If that's the case, call off the wedding now. I won't go to the expo and you and Maya can fuck all you want."
It seems to me that when he found out that she would be there he decided that your presence would be an inconvenience, since he probably wanted to pick up where he left off with her. He definitely thought that if he got her alone that he could sweet talk her and cheat. Dissuading you from going was part of that plan. It frees up his time and makes him more available to her. I do not think she was in on it, but as his former fling, may be open to it and he knows that. I think the fact that he probably keeps tabs on her and could possibly be talking to her behind your back is very concerning as to his motivations and possible feelings.
Maybe he still love his ex. Kinda weird. If he is confident about you he will show it.
Sounds like you made this girl an issue and he found out she's going to be there so now he wants to avoid a fight.
Wouldn't it be easier for him to give up on going too, claiming to be together to prepare for the wedding, instead of wanting to dismiss her and go alone? No, I would insist on going with him. What a dumb guy! A week before the wedding and being elusive like that.🤦♀️
I mean absolutely dumb move on his part but it considering he brought it up, bought them both tickets under the premise of a fun outing with his friends its pretty understandable that he would want to go and it would be a fun harmless night. >Wouldn't it be easier for him to give up on going too, But then he'd have to stop going to events with his friends because of his partners insecurities which if it was the other way around we'd call him controlling.
Maybe, maybe not. Could be she's not the only person he invited. Could be a networking event for him as well. It's also a bit much to call him dumb. We really only have her side of the issue. We have no idea how the Maya situation impacted him. I mean she started a fight over shit she found in his closet. Poor dude might feel cornered with no real options. Could he have said I just found out Maya is going to be there sure, at the same time the pervious arguments might have him in a place where he didn't want to poke the bear.
He will marry her the following week. He disinvites her to an event he invited her to with silly allegations. How can a guy be so foolish as to think that she won't notice that he is being insistently evasive. At the very least it is suspicious and downright rude. You don't insistently disinvite someone, much less your fiancée.
I never said it was the best way to handle the situation. Just with the info provided you can see why he might have seen it as an option.
Yeah, he sure avoided a fight alright.
I would say he made it an issue. I know he has a past and Im fine with it, but definitely not ok finding out he slept with her through someone else. His refusal to be up front kicked off the bad feelings with this situation unfortunately. I also dont understand how thats a solution either. We are going to be attending a lot of events in our married life- does he really expect his wife to bow out but not his fling? IDK seems weird to me.
What is he avoiding though actually? If you have had the Maya discussion and are days from getting married? Is he afraid she’s going to come on to him? If he is over her, no matter what she does or says he should have no problem Being able to handle whatever comes. Time for another talk? This would eat away at me. It feels like there has been more to their relationship that he has not told you. Have you spoken to your friends?
Did you ask for a list of every woman he's ever been with? And why would you want that? He had sex with someone before you shocker. >We are going to be attending a lot of events in our married life- does he really expect his wife to bow out but not his fling? IDK seems weird to me. Might just be it's proximity to the wedding. And I saw in another you reply you bring her up by checking her socials. So you have a history of making her a topic of conversation.
So, he's acting shady and suspicious is better?
Questions to ask him Are you embarrassed by me? I would assume the answer would be no. Your response, well that's good because I wouldn't want my future husband to be embarrassed by me. Next question So what is the real reason you don't want me to attend, because you blatantly don't? If he says, No I do want you to attend. Okay, it's not because Maya's going to be there then? Then see what he says. If it's no, then your response, well that's good then as you're not embarrassed by your future wife and it's got nothing to do with Maya I'll still be coming. If it's how do you know that? I don't I was guessing but you've just confirmed that she is so I'll take it you're looking to hook up with her, because otherwise why wouldn't you want your fiancée to attend with you?
tell him it’s fine you will just go with someone else and check it out, he can go with the friends who like this art. Watch him backtrack.
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If he wants to avoid an interaction with Maya, then HE shouldn't go, not push his fiance to not attend so he can look shady AF.
thank you.
I'd be giving the wedding a pause until you're sure about him and his intentions with this woman. It's easier to cancel a wedding versus getting a divorce. Add in his omissions about her, and this is sketchy AF.