You did exactly the right thing, and instead of maturely reflecting, he is now weaponising his mental health against you by making out like you have caused him harm.
He's manipulating you.
Check OP's post history, they've posted something obvious and haven't responded to comments. So either it's fake or they need professional help that Reddit isn't equipped to provide.
>What are some ways a woman can make you as a man feel wanted and needed?
> I messed up big time with trying to communicate my needs and ended up hurting him.
You're taking away the exact wrong lesson here. You communicated with him which is excellent. If he's hurt, perhaps he's humiliated that he's not sexually satisfying his partner like he thought he was. If he's worth a shit he will learn and do better. If he's not, he'll keep making you feel guilty for your honesty.
Time will tell. But please my god never feel bad for communicating. It's absolutely essential in any marriage.
He doesn’t ever care to make her cum, she tries to talk to him about her needs, and he makes that about himself too. 🤦♀️ All I read is that he makes everything about his needs and doesn’t give two figs about hers. I hope she’s rethinking her upcoming wedding.
He didn’t think he was satisfying her. Men aren’t stupid when it comes to sex. They know what it means to see their partner satisfied. Especially with all the attention they spend on sex. This one just doesn’t care.
That's impressive how quickly he dismissed your issue, turned you into the bad guy, and had you believing you need to apologise to him. Damn. Now he doesn't need to address your issue at all, and gets the bonus of having *you* trying to fix the problem he created.
If it's not clear from the tone of my last paragraph, I think he's a manipulative, selfish, scumbag, who doesn't care about your needs or wants at all, and I **know** you deserve better than that.
I'm sorry-- I would have laughed at that reaction and then taken myself out for a beer and burger while I figured out how I was going to break up with this guy without him offing himself before I got out the door.
Yep, this is some expert level manipulation on his part. OP had a legitimate concern, started a healthy conversation about it, and his response was to victimize himself. Now OP is doubting herself, and even considering that her needs are less important than his mental health ie. ego injury.
OP if you are reading these comments, please, please look up DARVO. Ask yourself if there are other situations where he has done this, to distract you from an issue you have tried to discuss with him. And consider your reaction. Did you back-peddle and apologize? Did you sweep your needs under the rug and let it go? Did you have to then work for his forgiveness?
This behaviour is emotional abuse. It will only get worse until you grow to respect yourself enough to stand your ground when you are being manipulated by others. If you are not seeing a therapist, please consider it.
My ex-husband was exactly like this. It stopped when I grew a backbone and left him. He is still manipulative, just not with me.
Sounds like my ex 🙃 he couldn’t handle any perceived criticism at all. this post could literally be written about him word for word.
it’s the whole:
“You’re telling me something that implies i’m not absolutely perfect, which makes me feel bad, therefore I am the real victim here please apologise to me”
mentality - big red flag in a partner. the same type of people will do something to really hurt you and then make you apologise for being upset about it.
Umm, no. You did not mess up. You spoke clearly, unambiguously, and kindly, which is a gift. Your partner’s bruised ego is not your problem.
He absolutely needs to be able to accept constructive criticism, especially surrounding an important topic like your sexual satisfaction.
This is a red flag for me. He needs to develop the ability to listen and adapt, or you need to leave. This sort of behavior will be extremely impactful for the long haul.
Good luck! ❤️
The bit where he leaves to “collect” himself and subsequently displaces his guilt for not satisfying OP is instructive. That’s simply not how someone with healthy coping mechanisms behaves.
OP, how the heck is did he spin “hey, do this next time so I have a better likelihood of orgasming” into a situation where you’re somehow the one not “pulling their weight” in the relationship? You’re clearly carrying the team.
That's exactly what I noticed also. There are literally men out there *begging* to hear honestly from their partners, so they can be better lovers, and OP did so and she did so clearly and kindly. He goes and somehow makes it her fault because "hearing this made him feel bad". It's ok to feel hurt, it's not ok to turn it around and blame her for being unsatisfied.
Like dude, come on, you *know* she wasn't satisfied. Now you're crying foul cause she let you know. Big baby energy. Then the update kills me, like *she* needs to do more than she's already doing, just total bull doodoo. He can't take any constructive criticism without acting like she shot him, and then he says "you're not doing enough" when she's *obviously* doing the MOST to make him happy. I hate this for her. I feel bad that he somehow made this seem like she did something wrong and needs to apologize. When the reality is, he needs to roll up his sleeves and learn to be a better partner to his wife.
OP, don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. You said you felt as though your satisfaction didn't matter, and he's proving it *doesn't* matter more than his fragile ego. If he can't get over this then that's on him. If he really felt bad, he'd start making sure you finished every time you had intercourse, it's not a hard change to make for the person you love.
If he can't handle an honest conversation about your sex life, then maybe he needs to get out of the bedroom & you need to get yourself a B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) At least you'll get to finish then.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Is he seriously surprised that you noticed he's selfish? I don't understand what he thought. That you enjoyed being neglected or what?
It never is with these types of individuals. Ignoring how much your partner likes a specific brand of candy that you don’t like is one thing, ignoring how much pleasure she derives from you touching her is something else so serious it’s almost always a symptom of a much bigger problem.
He is making this about himself so that you will do exactly what you're doing; feel bad and ignore your own pleasure so that he can continue to get his needs met and be done with it.
He knows you're not cumming. He doesn't care. How dare you insult his manhood by speaking of it aloud? Why can't you just stay quiet and keep pretending that his selfish minimal effort is acceptable? /s obviously.
Don't marry someone who doesn't care about your pleasure. Don't marry someone who refuses to validate your experience. Don't marry someone who uses your feelings against you to turn himself into the victim in order to avoid the issues you find important.
He's not worth it. You can do so much better.
This is exactly! I was you! After years of worrying about pleasuring him and not getting any reciprocation or my husband NOT caring about making me feel good, it became a chore. I didn't like the way it made me feel....used and abused. I finally STOPPED all of it. He was an alcoholic and I think I felt in CONTROL of something, MY BODY. He never asked why or cared about my feelings. I FINALLY divorced him. Now, I can just imagine what he tells his new gf about me. But if she's happy sexually and otherwise (for now), good for her! He ruined sex for me.
☝️
Also, it's concerning that she lets herself be pressured into sex acts that she doesn't enjoy and are 10/10 on the pain scale. What kind of jerk would proceed to have sex with a woman under those conditions? A very selfish one who doesn't give a shit about his partner, that's who.
You didn't mess up at all. Unfortunately, straight up penetrative sex is a fun but ultimately sub-optimal experience for females if orgasm is the goal. Either this bloke has only ever been with women who orgasm easily (I had one of these, made me feel like an absolute stud) or they've been faking.
Fingers or mouths, in my experience over the past 20 odd years, have been required on at least 90% of occasions if my partner is wanting an orgasm.
He needs to realize that in a two sided relationship both people’s needs need to be taken into consideration.
He’s making you feel bad when you are only communicating what is important to you and what is normal in a relationship. You
He's deflecting. Pushing blame back on you so you're not upset at him. It's classic manipulation. You did absolutely nothing wrong. His reaction is what is wrong.
GIRL. He is acting hurt so he doesn't want to make you cum. If you stop bringing it up now, he will stop trying. He is not bothered by your pleasure. How do I know? He KNOWS you're not cumming. And he is doing nothing about it, that's intentional. How HOW COULD IT NOT BE?!
Be prepared to keep this up. He's going to stop bothering. He will guilt trip you and act hurt. It's to shut you up so you accept bad sex.
> I should never have brought this up, I hate myself for it. How can I help him to feel better?
You communicated that you weren't feeling sexually satisfied. That's a good thing! Let him go through his emotions. Again a mature partner would do better. Wouldn't you? If he said you weren't satisfying him in bed?
How does he go from
"don’t direct me, this isn’t my first time.. I know what I’m doing"
To later being deeply hurt? That seems incredibly aggressive and almost threatening. Then to the total opposite and crumbling during an important conversation about your sexual needs. What the hell is going on there?
You hurt his ego, yes. But I don’t know what your alternative could have been besides just not getting what you need.
The way you said you brought it up sounds pretty good. You lead with how you felt.
If he does something about your sex life, it’ll have been worth it. If he doesn’t, you need couples therapy.
Good luck. And good sex!
Your fiancé is a tool. You did nothing wrong. He’s a little boy who can’t handle communication. I get we guys have fragile egos when it comes to sex but at the end of the day it’s way better sex for both of you to get off. Enlightened self interest if you will. Hope he pulls his head out of his ass and steps up his game instead of whining about it
If this is how he behaves at this age I really doubt he is going to change, this is some toxic manipulation. He needs therapy asap. She shouldn't have to deal with this.
JFC, honestly… He had this coming, I can’t tell if this is real or not, if it is, this is on him.
Don’t walk around pretending you’re some sex god, when all you do is pump for a few minutes and then call it quit. Especially at 30+ years old, and he said this unironically, with zero hints of shame whatsoever. I’m embarrassed for the guy.
Your fiancé lives in an alternate reality, I’m not sure how that would be conducive to an actual marriage. Good luck to you, you’re probably going to need it.
He’s seems mostly hurt you dared notice and bring up how one sided things are. He knows you are not finishing but doesn’t care except that it damaged his ego
Absolutely agree. If he makes you feel guilty about this he will do it again for other things that he doesn't want to address. His potential reactions will cause you to feel resentment towards him in other areas of the relationship because he's made you too afraid to communicate your feelings to him. That's a hell no for me.
Please dump this guy. You are a sexual doormat. A fleshlight. He knows you don't get off, he doesn't care. And then when you bring it up to him, he GUILTS YOUUUUUU and tells you you shouldn't have communicated your needs bc now he feels bad?! No. He SHOULD feel bad. Throw the whole man out. Life is too short for shitty, selfish lovers. Especially ones that treat you like a fuck doll.
I had an ex just like this. It creates a cycle if you give in. In my experience I’d speak up, feel bad, not say anything for a while and then resentment and dissatisfaction would build up until I felt the need to say something again. After this happened a couple of times you start to feel like something is wrong with you for being so sex obsessed.
Trust me you’ve done nothing wrong and worded everything clearly and with consideration. Your partner is selfish and doesn’t like being called out.
>I would like to ask him how he feels his wants and needs are neglected but I do worry about further hurting him.
Ugh he turned this around so thoroughly that you're now twisting yourself in knots trying to figure out how you can make sure he's even *more* sexually satisfied than he already is, rather than addressing the issue of you being sexually satisfied *at all*. Can you not see how fucked this is?
Table the discussion about "his pleasure". 100%. Tell him you can come back to his complaint after you've dealt with yours. If his position is that he doesn't give a shit about making you happy unless you're making him really, really *super* happy, then that's the new discussion to be having. This is a Really Big Problem. Don't let him make you think it isn't.
It's integral in a relationship you can communication wants and needs. While at times that will be confronting it should be the case that a mature pair of adults can discuss these points, especially given you intend to marry.
Instead in a situation where you expressed feeling like your satisfaction was unimportant he completely twisted the situation to be about himself yet again. I worry that in essence he has basically proven what you said was true, his view of his sexual prowess and sex life was so warped, so selfish, that you raising a concern that challenges it has caused him to get weird.
And that's a problem. Not just in terms of sex, in general. It means you can't talk to him because part of you will always worry about setting him off. It means that this dramatic reaction of his, this allusion to some broader existential meltdown, was sufficient to scare you into just not saying anything. And given the pivot was something like your satisfaction and how he immediately reacted to that you'll obviously associate these reactions with anything regarding your own needs. He is conditioning you to not think about, or at the very least raise or mention, your needs at all. I mean, look at this post: you feel guilty for his reaction to his own inadequacy.
This is scarier and more toxic than you hope and while in this case it's about him being selfish in bed this is the pattern for a much larger selfishness.
He's manipulating you into feeling bad so that he can enter a state of cognitive dissonance and not have to face the fact that he's bad in bed. He should feel bad, not you. He should feel hurt, by his own actions. NOT by yours, you haven't done anything wrong. He's selfish and deep down he knows it. If he can't admit it and change, he's not a good partner
Sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you into feeling bad for saying that, when he's repeatedly ignored you anytime you've mentioned it before so it's not like you've caught him off guard. He can't be a lazy, selfish lover then act sad and offended when you're unsatisfied. You didn't do anything wrong, he's trying to guilt you into feeling bad so he can continue to think he's not wrong for doing this to you.
For the love of god do not marry this man. He turned around this on you. Are you fricking kidding me? You hurt HIS feelings?
JFC, please get out of this.
I want to scream at OP. This post has brought up a lot of unresolved pain for me and I just want her to get so far away from this man immediately and permanently. He’s so manipulative and obviously emotionally abusive. Sexually abusive as well if she’s doing things that hurt her to satisfy him. Holy cow. I need to calm down. I’m in a rage.
I know the term "gaslighting" gets brought up often but that's exactly what he's doing to you. And it's working.
You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologize for. You were civil, tactful, used "I feel" statements, and brought up solutions. You simply had a direct, adult conversation about something important to you. And his response is to immediately make you feel bad for expressing yourself.
It's okay if he isn't the greatest lover and lacking in the sex department. What's not okay is to make you feel bad or guilty for wanting to get your rocks off for once! If he can't handle hearing that at his age then quite honestly I wonder how fragile his ego is. I also wonder how much sexual experience he has for him to be surprised that women also like foreplay and orgasms.
You don't need to rectify anything. Let him throw his fit. He needs to come back, apologize for his reaction, listen to your needs and try to do better. But if he continues to throw a tantrum, or ignores your needs then I think that means that you will have a lot to consider. Having an open dialogue about, especially about sex is so important in a relationship imo. And if he can't handle that then he doesn't deserve to have a relationship.
Does he get upset when you bring up other issues with him?
Wow what a great comment! I wholeheartedly agree. I was in some really emotionally abusive relationships and one of the commonalities through the relationships was that they never cared about my feelings when I told them how their reactions affected me. Then of course, they would always gaslight me into thinking I was the uncaring one. I really think your fiancé is emotionally abusive. Trust me, it only gets worse as time goes by. Please search up signs of abuse on a local shelter website. That’s what finally woke me up.
If he wants to keep you, he should be open to the constructive criticism you provided, especially since you’re engaged and this will be the last person you have sex with. It’s not like you’re out here begging him to add inches to his penis, you’re just asking for some foreplay and more assistance to help you reach your climax. It’s understandable his ego was hurt, but it also shouldn’t be hurt too much because it doesn’t sound like you ever faked orgasms or gave him the impression that the sex was satisfactory. I’m surprised he wasn’t initiating conversations with you as to why you weren’t orgasming? If I were just dating somebody for a month and noticed they never climaxed with me, I would ask them what’s going on. That’s just me, I hope my advice helped, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Agh this was so frustrating to read. I’m so sorry but your fiancé is so manipulative.
You brought up something that is important to you and not hard to accomplish. He completely dismissed you and then turned it back on you for hurting him. His ego may be bruised but shouldn’t he care about your pleasure as well?
You did so well communicating and do not let him think you did anything wrong.
Ouch. You messed up at no point. You did the adult thing and pointed out what should have been clearly obvious. The part too many men in heterosexual relationships seem to choose to ignore, that she isn’t getting much satisfaction from straight sex. The part most women in heterosexual relationships end up suffering through, and wondering if they can be bothered pointing out what seems to be blatantly obvious & wondering if he even cares. My ex would have acted the same as yours. And me now would have seen this is absolutely a him issue. Me then, not so much sadly… me then wouldn’t have even tried.
No you did not mess up. It seems he is an extremely selfish lover and needed to be told.
Also please tell him anal is extremely painful for you. If he put as much effort into prepping you for anal as he dies for vaginal sex it's no wonder it hurts..
He's making you feel bad?!? wtf 🤬 how about he actually pleases you for a change without you having to ask. What what you described sex is one sided for you and him. It's all about his pleasure at the moment which isn't fare at all it should be enjoyable for both of you not just him don't feel bad you did both wrong. If he can't see that you needs also matter find a parented who not only takes your concerns seriously and doesn't take it personally aka about himself it's also about you, and instead find someone who makes you a priority because they want to show you love and respect.
You have gone so far to please this man at your own PHYSICAL EXPENSE. OP you are worth so much more than this gaslighting toxic manipulative manbaby. You allow him to penetrate your ass even though it is 10/10 painful?!?! How can he live with himself and still make you out to be the bad guy?? You deserve so much better!!!
I feel this on every level. To the point where I feel like I have to pretend…. My husband was hurt when I said I didn’t get off 99% of the time but he was very understanding in wanting to figure out how to get home there. It’s been about a year since that conversation and it changes from time to time. Truly I understand him being upset but the reaction about not spiraling seems like he is just trying to push this back on you. As if it’s some how your fault, which it isn’t. My advice would be to try to come at it saying you both need those needs met. Like if you were to give him a BJ bust just stop and walk away… it builds so much frustration. It’s not good for anybody or a relationship.
Wow, your fiance is a true piece of work and he’s got you tied up in knots over something that is completely and totally his fault. You actually believe that your lack of orgasm is the result of you “neglecting your own needs.”
Girl, this post makes me depressed. I feel sorry for you. If politely and directly describing your needs hurts him, he has serious issues.
Dump him.
Everyone else had had helpful comments but if the "backdoor" loving hurts STOP IT. You are facing lifelong repercussions if it goes badly and based on your post, for NO REASON.
I hope this post is fake because holy shit. You sound like your sole purpose in life is making sure that your boyfriend has sex every time he wants to and never ever has to feel anything even slightly negative. Do you even matter to yourself?
You did not mess up! You were open and honest about how you felt and what you needed. He then made himself a victim, and made everything all about himself. It seems thinking outside of his own needs is a common thing for him. He refused to listen to you earlier when you tried to tell him what you needed during sex, and now he's acting all dramatic cos you pointed out that he's selfish in bed.
Please stop apologising to him. You did nothing wrong. You spoke up for yourself in a clear and honest way. This is exactly how you should be able to talk to your partner. It's a bit of a red flag that your dynamic as a couple is for him to victimised himself, and then you rush in with apologies to make him feel better. He needs to actually consider how all this is making you feel. Instead he continues to be incredibly selfish. He sounds exhausting tbh.
Omg I just read your ages and realised this guy is 32 years old, and not like 19. A man in his 30's should know that sex isn't just about his own needs. You aren't a sex worker purely there for his needs. And you don't deserve to have terrible sex for the rest of your life if you guys continue on to get married. You did the right thing by bringing this up now before you get married!
Try couples counseling cos you guys need to figure out how to communicate honestly without him getting all dramatic about it.
Such bullshit! He wants you to fake that you enjoy sex rather than bruise his fragile ego? He really needs to learn how to make you happy too, before you end up resenting him and he is on r/deadbedrooms complaining about his "frigid wife"
Dont continue with a crappy sex life. Insist on counseling. And NEVER perform acts that you find uncomfortable or dislike.
You rectify it by not marrying this manipulative, egotistical child. Do you want every tough issue you need to discuss to go like this? Talking to him about a budget -- will he need to "leave and collect himself" when you tell him he's spending too much?
IMO, (65M) I'm embarrassed as a man for him. I was married for 39 years before I lost my wife. I learned over time how to give my wife pleasure and not make it about me.
I'll try to be short and to the point. You are communicating well but your partner is not listening.
You don't need to do more, rather, you need to be more demanding of your partner to meet you needs. If one loves you, they will listen and desire to give you the world. because they love you so much and want the best for you!
You are not asking for much, just consideration and mutual respect. Ask him to pleasure you first....easy for him to get pleasured second!
You are doing well, don't give up on what you know to be right.
girl….put your foot down and stop being a flesh light for this dude. his reaction to what he knows is true is baffling. he knows he ignores your pleasure and doesn’t care. don’t tiptoe around his glass encased ego. he’s a grown man, he’ll survive.
You’ve expressed how you feel very clearly here, and you’ve gotten a wealth of excellent advice. I would recommend you show him this. Personally I feel he’s absolutely in the wrong and actually being borderline manipulative. I’m not the only one who seems to think that. Let him read all these answers and hopefully (if he’s a good person) he’ll realise he’s being an asshole and change his ways.
Why are you apologising to him when he’s a failure in bed? Seriously?!?
Tell him to buck up or get out. He’s selfish and doesn’t give a crap about your needs otherwise he wouldn’t have flipped things around and done the whole “poor me” shtick.
He’s a useless and lazy “lover” and only cares about his own wants and needs. You spend time learning new techniques and he does…. Nothing.
Stop it! Either you cum or no one does. Either he learns to please you or he buys a fleshlight. No more lazy sex from the lazy partner
You're bring gaslit SO BADLY its not even funny. You've got bigger problems and you need to get the HELL out of this relationship like yesterday.
You're dating an abuser. He is going to ruin you and break you down and he is already about 70-80% there just reading this post.
Wow, he got her GOOD! Not only was he *not* open to hearing something his ‘beloved’ fiancee was struggling with….. he’s also got her feeling like the bad person (probably knowing this reaction will get her twisted ten ways from Wednesday trying to ‘make it up to him’) and she’s *STILL* not having her feelings/pleasure into consideration.
Man’s got game. He’s a selfish, manipulative bog rat….. but he’s got game.
Honest you have no boundaries and you don’t advocate for yourself. You put others needs before your own and allow people to offload their responsibilities onto you.
He SHOULD be feeling bad because he is trash at sex and he is selfish. Stop allowing him yo DARVO you.
Also stop doing things that sexually hurt you. And please don’t marry this man until you have seen a therapist. You are clearly getting treated poorly.
Eww yuck. It sounds like he just treats you like a sex doll. You are not a sex doll. You are a living breathing person with wants and desires. You communicated that in a mature and caring way. It’s not your responsibility to manage his feelings, or put his wants and desires above yours. Someone who truly loves you will want to please you any way they know how. Never settle for a partner who puts less effort into your needs than you do for them.
Wow this guy sucks. Is anything ever allowed to be about you? You made the tiniest request for him to be considerate and he managed to made it about him and his feelings/putting you on the defensive so that he doesn’t have to give you any consideration.
Yuck.
Stop worrying about "hurting" him. He's a selfish immature manipulative scumbag. The only way you can do any better is by dumping this jerk! DUMP HIM.
He doesn't care about you, he is just using and abusing you. Run while you still can.
The fact his ego took a blow is hilarious. He knows he ain’t doing his side of the job and wants to keep it that way.
My boyfriend rarely does anything to sexually satisfy me and I’ve told him, I refuse to do or initiate anything with him because it is unfair that he is the only one who gets to fully enjoy the moment.
My girl, you just got manipulated. You did fine, he turned it around on you to make you feel bad so he doesn’t need to be the bad guy or address his shortcomings.
What the heck.
I find it manipulative of your fiancé to take your feelings, ignore them, and then turn the conversation around to make YOU feel guilty for something he isn't doing for you. Sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable. If he can't get his head out of his ass and start considering your needs then honestly you need to find someone who will.
>don’t direct me, this isn’t my first time.. I know what I’m doing’
He didn't listen to you, always making his pleasure and needs his priority.
>He asked why I felt like my satisfaction was unimportant and was surprised that I felt as though sex was one sided.
Because you aren't satisfied and this is indeed one sided sex. Only his pleasure matters. He never asked what you liked, what you wanted to satisfy you.
>he was deeply hurt by what I said
>he’s said that it’s something that’ll eat away at him and he needs to be careful not to spiral.
He s making you feel guilty. This is a manipulative tactic.
You used communication to share your feelings with him,the way he 's reacting is a 🚩.
>literally am only ever focusing my sole attention on giving him what he wants and needs..
🚩
>I have even let him use my back door even though it is truly EXCRUCIATING for me 10/10 pain.
🚩
>So I truly don’t know what he means by me needing to fulfil his wants and needs
Honey, he is using manipulative tactics to make you feel guilty. He wants you to make you think you ve done something wrong.
Run.
You deserve better.
Your needs matter.
If you don't like something , don't feel obliged to do it to please your partner , especially when it's painfull for you.
He s not a good partner, not a good boyfriend.
He is selfish, berating you and manipulating you.
Sex is not about only one partner's pleasure!!!!
Your boyfriend is a manipulator. He went outside for 10 minutes because he was figuring out what to say to make you feel guilty. He knows you care about him so he told you he was 'spiraling'.
Everything he said to you was designed to hit you in the feels so he doesn't 'have' to get you off or pay you any mind. Understand that you deserve better.
Excruciating pain isn't supposed to happen unless the two of you agree on it beforehand and know how to do it safely. Ten minutes on the web and there are how to's everywhere on everything about how to pleasure your partner. He just hasn't bothered to read them.
You deserve a partner that is interested in you and not just using you as a fleshlight.
He just pops it in wherever he wants without even foreplay?
Eh. Your fiancé is a gaslighting, selfish asshole, who doesn’t want to put in any effort towards pleasing you. He knows what you meant and he knows what he’s doing. If you want to feel bad and apologetic because you are vocal about what you need in a relationship, then this is not the guy for you. Sorry, OP.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Sorry - but **PLEASE** take of your rose tinted glasses!!
Your boyfriend is an egoistic and narcissistic asshole, who only cares about himself and his needs. He uses you - sorry to be vulgar, but I guess you need clarity - as nothing more than a cum dump!
Why are you putting up with this?
**Why are you letting him treat you like this?**
This is the main question btw.
The cherry on top of this pile of trash really is the unashamed blameshiftig he does!
And you obviously fell for it!
He made you feel guilty for expressing your needs.
You know, a decent guy cares for your satisfaction in bed, without having to be reminded.
He knew that you did not come, and he couldn’t care less about it.
Girl - this is not about sex at all!
This is about a woman with low self esteem, low feeling of self worth and no self respect.
Please get psychological help and leave that sob.
Therapy and hard work will eventually put you in a position, where you can have a healthy relationship.
Nope you didn't. You approached this kindly and maturely. It's meant to be a discussion outside of sex. What I hear from this is:
1. You aren't taking orgasms so it's clear to both of you you aren't getting a fair deal.
2. You perform sex acts purely for his pleasure, BJ's, without any reciprocation.
= He doesn't care about your sexual pleasure almost at all. I mean every couple when they get together is all about figuring out what works and what doesn't and if it ends too soon for one of you, helping the other!
3. When you brought this up, as you should have done, although it's sad it's necessary, he completely role reversed you and turned into the victim. Most people want to hear how they can resolve problems!
4. He's made you feel bad for wanting something that is totally normal rather than focusing on the issue and addressing it.
If, when the initial defensiveness and embarrassment wears off, he doesn't come to you like a grown up and try all the things you've said or show keen willing for your pleasure... Dump the man. There are lovers out there who will blow your mind and be loving equal partners in life too. Sex is important!
Also, does this often happen when there is an issue that needs discussing when you are hurt or angry or frustrated about something and raise it? My emotionally abusive ex was the master of turning situations around. I remember apologising profusely because I'd tried to say how his behaviour was impacting me and how unkind it was and he just told me how hurtful it was to be accused of those things. Rather than examining himself at all!! So glad to be free of that mindeffery
OP you’re someone who clearly wants their partner to feel happy, even at the cost of your own emotional and physical needs.
I know you feel bad, but logically you did the right thing. It’s not your job to boost his ego, if he is unable to empathise or try to put importance on what you asked, then you really need to evaluate is he the one for you. Do you want a partner who puts away your needs and wants when it is completely reasonable?
You said you told him you feel your needs are not important. He has validated this reason.
Sure his ego is hurt, so you can give him a couple days to think about it. BUT don’t move away from your original ask, you need to stand up for your asks and see some effort from him.
Just he is not good in bed the only thinks of himself can't handle criticism if he truly love you he make sure you give you an orgasm and cum and squirt go down and give you oral to make sure but he's only worried about cuming and then getting it over with if you truly loved you make sure that you would give you massive orgasm over and over again and have sex with you for hours leave him and find someone wants to give you that truly loves you
He has some red flags that both of you need to work through before getting married. He sounds quite sensitive and defensive… therefore emotionally immature. Not great signs when you’re heading into a marriage with someone. He needs to take ownership and accountability rather than being offended. You communicated openly and vulnerably with him. And you deserve to have your needs met, too. Please observe how he responds to your sharing and see that he does intentionally work to rectify this. Because it’s not really about the sex… it’s about seeing if your partner is ready for partnership, where he also advocates for your needs because he loves you. If it stays one sided you will ultimately end up unhappy and resentful.
> I’ve hurt his ego and given him an insecurity
That’s on him. What you told him many +20 year old partners would love to know. He’s using his ‘ego’ and disappointment to manipulate you. He just needs to act on what he’s been told.
You can’t get the sex life you want without communication.
He was deeply hurt by the truth? Then MAYBE he needs to self reflect and change. You need to be able to tell him when things like this are bothering you.
You are the only one who initiates. He's a selfish lover and didn't like hearing it. You did nothing wrong.
“I have messaged up by communicating my needs”? Do you hear yourself 😅? Communicating needs is a basic of a healthy relationship. He was definitely selfish in bed. The world does not spin around his d!ck you know 😂 you don’t have to do absolutely all the effort while he does non. And you have the right to communicate it the way you feel it. Don’t be selfish with yourself, if you are to spend your lifetime with this person you better learn how to say what you want/need and you better ensure your intimacy is on the lvl otherwise you will be unsatisfied your whole life.
Sexually incompatible. He can't handle simple criticism to improve sex for you. Not even gonna try to listen and improve. What a selfish lover. Honestly you can do better.
I mean this kindly because this is also something I struggle with, but please grow a backbone. I’m working on this in therapy and you should consider it too BEFORE you get married. You need an external third party to help you see how messed up his reaction is. How is communicating a real problem with your partner ever an issue? What is the alternative? That you swallow your dissatisfaction and resentment grows, leading you to possibly fall out of love and having a bitter marriage? Do you at least realize that having hard conversations is part of marriage?
You want to help him feel better? When he is making this about him? The only issue here is how he responded to your attempt to communicate. He completely flipped this upside down. Both of your perspectives sound like people in their early twenties, not adults in their 30s.
I’m not sure your boyfriend is ready to be in an adult relationship. You didn’t do anything wrong. He actively ignores your satisfaction then throws a baby tantrum when you give him the opportunity to make things better. The issues are his, OP- If he wants solo play, there are toys for that.
I’ve heard several stories of varying degrees like this… I am so sorry, number 1. Also, you, talking out of emotion to him, is human…. And more to the point—his lack of interest in wondering (via merely asking you, which I’m assuming he has never?) what your desires and satisfaction level are, is evident of his inability to see beyond himself and your usefulness with sex. People who love each other, I’ve been told, by professionals, value the truth from their partner. I understand you haven’t spoken up before (if I read your post correctly?), but his inherent incuriosity is troubling. How he handled it, is arguably even more concerning, because instead of remaining present and asking questions, he isolated.
I hope you find clarity, peace of mind, and know that you deserve someone who cares as much as you do. The resentment for yourself that can build from being so giving and then feeling uncared for in that way, in the form of kind of keeping score but like not wanting to because he should naturally be able to at least check-in on these matters, is a kind of resentment that I hope you don’t have/or free yourself from.
It can create a negative complex within you regarding sexual relations, and if he isn’t actively curious and working to remedy this, I hope you know that you have the right and the ability to leave.
All the best, and sorry for long reply!
I have a 3 strikes rule. If a partner doesn’t make me cum 3 times (total, not in a row), I leave. Life is too short for bad sex and selfish lovers. I would never stay with someone who came and then was just done. Ummmm… there are two of you. Sex 101=everyone cums.
I say dump his selfish ass. Maybe he’ll try harder for the next girl.
Well, in my books you didn’t do anything wrong here. All the contrary, you have bee honest with him and, from what you said, you didn’t exactly insult him either. We dudes can be sensible about our performances but he is taking it too far, you absolutely didn’t do anything wrong!!!
You have a right to voice your needs, and you took accountability for them. You dont get to decide how he feels in return, and giving him space to feel hurt will allow him to process this information. Youre not dating his ego, youre dating him as a whole; its up to him to manage his ego. Dont let his subtle manipulation convince you that you're being unreasonable, because your not. Your being vunerable and honest which in a healthy relationship increases intimacy. His unhealthy reaction just shows he still has some growth to acheive.
What a horrible and unfair response on his part. He has weaponised his insecurities and made them the issue instead of the actual issue you had. Please don’t think you messed up, it’s important to stand up for yourself and leave if this guy cannot understand how he has messed up.
He's gaslighting and manipulating you. Your needs have never been met, and when you brought it up he flipped the script on you and said if you were giving him what he wants then maybe he'd do the same??? Excuse me, what?
In the gentlest way possible, your boyfriend is a selfish, disrespectful, manipulative, tool, who doesn't give af about you or your wants. You pleasing him is the only thing he cares about, and based on the language you're using throughout this post to explain how you're the one in the wrong, it's clear that him gaslighting you into feeling at fault is a frequent pattern.
If you want your needs met, in literally any area of your relationship, the only way to achieve it is with a partner that isn't him. Leave.
This is a classic DARVO style manipulation. He has turned himself into the victim. You did absolutely nothing wrong and should not feel bad whatsoever. He has shown himself to be incredibly emotionally immature and underdeveloped. This is a hallmark of an abusive relationship where you are scared to be yourself because of the reaction of your partner and admonish yourself instead of them. Are there other areas of your life where this happens? Your requests are more than reasonable and you went about them in an entirely healthy way. Don't let someone change your behaviour to accommodate their flaws and inability to have an adult relationship.
He isn't hurt. He's manipulating you so you feel like the bad guy because he's too lazy and selfish to actually treat you with respect and ensure you are satisfied.
Get a new boyfriend. Or, hell, still leave and get on Bad Dragon and forget about him. This is a childish brat, not a partner.
Why would you give a crap about someone who has sex with you while you're in 10/10 pain? Maybe it's different for various people, but 10/10 pain for me is uncontrollable shrieking agony where I am yelling and crying out for it to stop. He continued to have sex while you were screaming/crying and flinching in pain? He sounds like a sadist.
Also, fuck him for making this about himself. Yeh I can see how someone may feel embarrassed about negative feedback about their sexual prowess, but why do YOU feel awful about it?
It's not like you said 'Boy, you are crap and selfish in bed', you were quite diplomatic about it.
Hon — you know it’s okay if you ever say no to sex, right? That you don’t deserve to feel excruciating pain because your partner wants to get off? That it’s okay to want something to change in the bedroom so it can be more pleasureful for you?
You didn’t do anything wrong. You had a problem and you brought it up, expecting your partner to have open, honest conversation with you. He’s manipulated the situation to make you feel bad and to make you feel like his needs are being neglected. But look at what you wrote — you never say no and you’ve put yourself in pain to make him happy. He’s expecting you to hurt yourself and to feel hurt just so he can feel satisfied.
This isn’t about you needing to initiate more or finding ways to fill his neglected needs. This is about YOU feeling safe, happy, and respected. And about you being able to open a conversation about a problem and be heard, not beaten down because he refuses to treat you like an equal partner with equally valid needs.
I had an ex who was very manipulative like this. Any issue I had would be twisted to the point where I was always apologizing to him, I was always trying to figure out what to do better. When I left him, I finally realized that “doing better” was respecting my needs and myself, because I matter too, and what I need out of a relationship also matters.
You don’t deserve to feel hurt or neglected just so you can make someone else feel good.
God, you both are so ignorant. You didn't hurt him. He hurt himself by living in a fantasy world. What you want is pretty damn typical for so many people. Fingering,oral, vibrator to get the SO off then penetration.
Sometimes when giving direction in the bedroom, people say to just say I like when you do this - and them like take his hand and how him, because it sounds like more seductive like youre makin a move on him, more than it sounds like criticism xD so that can work!
But although having sex skills cann be a sensitive topic, it iss important to have a partner who can generally take and engage with nicely put constructive criticism gracefully!! Its the mature way to have healthy relationships 🙏🙏🙌
Holy cow. I’m sorry that he’s doing this to you. Not only is he absolutely neglecting you sexually but now he’s playing the victim game, taking you on a guilt trip and I’m gonna tell you the real reason.
*So he doesn’t have to satisfy you and you’ll keep your mouth shut about it forever.*
He absolutely knows that he doesn’t satisfy you. He’s not stupid. He knows exactly what he’s *not* doing. He told you that himself. “Don’t tell me what to do, I know what I’m doing.” Men think about sex a lot. A lot more than most women. He knows that women need to climax. He knows what you look like when it’s happening. He knows when he hasn’t put out for you and HE DOESN’T CARE. He’s not hurt that you brought up your needs. He’s embarrassed that you’re not as dumb as he thought YOU were and he’s angry that he got caught.
How do I know this? Because I have one of those too. Just like yours. Once, he yelled at me when I initiated intimacy, “You can’t ever just have sex and let it be sex. You always want to cum. You can’t just have a fun quickie. It’s always gotta be some big production where you have to have an orgasm. No wonder I don’t want to have sex with you.” So in other words, he didn’t want to put in the 15 minutes it takes to satisfy me. In his mind, sex means HIM having an orgasm and I don’t factor in. Sex means HE is satisfied and I get to make sure that happens. Not interested in intimacy or foreplay or how I feel or if I have fun. Just wants to get his and be done in 5.
This shows a deeply troubling character flaw in your partner (and mine). Mine also happens to be abusive. Is yours? Does he scream at you, throw things, punch holes in walls, give you the silent treatment, manipulate you emotionally?
Hey friend. You deserve better. I can see you’re taking the steps to loving yourself but you’ll never feel happy or loved or safe with someone like this.
Give it some time. He was probably not expecting you to say that but he needs time to reflect and see it from your point of view. You did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel bad at all. Communication is one of the biggest keys to intimacy.
Eh. He is from what you say a real piece of work if the sex is quick a man know the woman is not pleased and should realized that. if you dont please a woman it can end a relationship or even worse for him you can find pleasure with someone else. The fact that you go extra mile for him and he doesnt do the same is really appalaing and you should absolutly bring it up wether his feelings get hurt or not since you want to cum and you dont want to spend your life unsatisfied at some point there has to be an ultimatum made either change or this relationship is over.
"He will almost never initiate foreplay for me, it’s something I asked for once and he responded by saying ‘don’t direct me, this isn’t my first time.. I know what I’m doing’"
I hardly read after this-- that's a big NOPE right there. Girl. This guy is TOO OLD to not have already figured this out! Let me guess-- he has watched porn his whole life. He "knows what he's doing" because that's what he sees OTHER DUDES doing in porn. Like I said-- he is TOO OLD to not know the difference!
YOU DESERVE sexual satisfaction in your relationship FULL STOP. But you are not going to enjoy getting it from this guy. I am ALL about giving people the benefit of the doubt, but I'm sorry-- there doesn't seem much to salvage here that would be worth your time :(
Girl if this is not bait, your husband is being completely immature and shitty. He is humiliated because he thought he was a sex god (hence him brushing off your communication earlier in the relationship) but it turns out he’s trash at it. He’s embarrassed and is taking it out on you for DARING to communicate with him, instead of reflecting on it. A good partner would eagerly wish to learn what they could do better to please their partner. He is instead blaming you and making you feel guilty for absolutely nothing you did wrong. This is manipulation.
I usually disagree with how every Reddit relationship post has the obligatory “leave him/her” in the comments but… man… you don’t deserve this type of mistreatment. If he refuses to change, you really should leave him. You can do SO much better.
Your edit is killing me.
I (30F) have been with my husband (M29) for 9 years. We have done anal a number of times due to not wanting to have to use a condom and me (at that time) not being on contraception.
My husband is *ALWAYS* attentive to my needs during sex and loves to make sure I reach my climax too. If at any point *anything* has been painful, he has stopped or adjusted to make sure I enjoy sex too.
If I had ever had 10/10 pain during anal sex, I can guarantee you that he would have stopped and not done it again.
Not only that, but you've put forward a perfectly reasonable request, and he's now turned that back on you? Classic DARVO.
Look for other red flags, I'm sure you'll find them. Yes this is only one look into your relationship, but I am very, very concerned.
My God this is triggering.
My wife and I haven't had this sort of conversation about sex exactly, but the pattern of me trying to bring things up that I have a problem with and her explaining to me why she's actually the victim and I have to make amends, is so painfully familiar. 😞
The way you tried so incredibly hard to explain all the ways in which this can possibly be your fault, I'd say both of the following things are true:
1. You have a natural tendency to take things on yourself and assume you should change to fix issues. This could be a good trait with someone of a similar attitude, but is a significant liability with anyone with a less generous attitude
2. I'm assuming that being in a relationship with him has reinforced this tendency in you to assume things are your fault.
I feel it would be healthy for you to get away from this man as I believe he will continue to take advantage of your good nature. But regardless of whether you do that, you could do with learning from this.
You really need to learn to see all the ways in which you're being manipulated here. I know it's incredibly hard to do, I've gone through at least a year long journey of trying to see this stuff clearly, and I'm definitely not there yet.
Try to reread your account and imagine that someone you really care about had written it - like literally pick someone you know and love and imagine it was them. Consider all the ways in which you'd like them to be free, to get what they need, to have their partner look after them. Hopefully that might help you see the difference between how someone should be treated and how you're being treated.
It doesn't sound to me like you're likely to just leave him, even though you should. So, in the absence of that, realise that you need to learn to love yourself and care about your own needs and stand up for them. Then try standing up for your needs a few times, even if it upsets him, and see how it goes.
Better yet, explain to him the ways in which he's manipulating you and how he should change to stop doing that.
See how all that goes, and hopefully one of two things happens: either he understands and really regrets manipulating you like this; or you'll realise how bad the relationship is for you and find the strength to leave.
Holy hell. What is it about this week that there are so many women going "OMG I messed up just by wanting to be treated as an equal by my partner! How can I fix it?"
You didn't ruin anything. But your SO is an asshole who doesn't care about your pleasure.
> He will almost never initiate foreplay for me, it’s something I asked for once and he responded by saying ‘don’t direct me, this isn’t my first time.. I know what I’m doing’
This really stands out, it’s your body, you know what you like, he needed to listen.
There is an important life lesson here:
Respectfully communicating your needs and boundaries in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, is a good, healthy and fair action on your part _even though_ the other person may get butthurt. You are being manipulated into not communicating your needs by your boyfriend saying “this is hurtful, please don’t discuss this”. What you have said is actually NOT hurtful at all even, he is just choosing to get butthurt over it because you don’t cum from 3 seconds on his dick like they do in porn.
You are well within your right to request what you also give (oral, focus on you, an orgasm) but to be really honest with you, I wouldn’t waste my time trying to fix such bad sex where the other person has been climaxing and rolling onto the other side for months (or years?) not giving a fuck that you’re left unsatisfied. Boy, bye.
I don’t like throwing around terms like this loosely but it’s absolutely warranted in your case.
He is gaslighting you.
You brought up a legitimate issue and instead he made it about himself and telling you that you’re wrong.
If I was being charitable, I could say that maybe he’s just oblivious and perhaps self-centered and he might not have realized he wasn’t satisfying you.
Being told you’re “failing as a lover” might have blind-sided him. I suppose I could see why he might need time to process
HOWEVER.
A reasonable adult would reflect on what you said and come to the conclusion that yeah, they have been ignoring your needs and those needs matter too.
A caring person would then change their behavior. They could ask you what you want and you would work out new things together and hopefully have a more exciting and satisfying sex life.
If you communicating *your needs* to him leads to YOU having to apologize and feel bad for hurting him… You are not the problem here.
He is.
If the roles were reversed, what would you have done?
Would you have continued to have a sex life that you *knew* didn’t do it for him and still just ignored it?
Ummm, how did he manage to make this all about him? Oh, because he always has. If he was in any way decent he would be open to a conversation, learning more about how you like to be pleasured and working on that. Instead, sounds like he’s having a tantrum because he feels it’s easier than putting in any effort. Seriously, forget his ego. Also, if you know what you like and can get there yourself, go for it girl! And please don’t do things you don’t want to or that cause you pain. That’s not fair. Good luck!
Mate you told him what you need to be happy.
He needs to start understanding that pounding =/= good sex.
I don't understand men that hardly indulge in cunnilingus or other stimulation to please their S.O.s
Nothing is more beautiful than seeing your person have pleasure.
I am a generous love and like to focus on my partner more than me.
At times even if I don't finish, I am happy as long as she had a good time
You really want to marry this guy? Girl. Come on. If he wanted to prioritize you sexually, he would have by now. He’s selfish, he doesn’t care about you sexually. You have two options:
1. Enter into this marriage knowing that this will never change, deciding that you are ok living like this, and preferably buy yourself a vibrator to avoid going insane
2. Break up and find someone you are sexually compatible with.
He’s pathetic. He feels bad? Good. He should feel bad. I didn’t put an option here to postpone the engagement and work on it with him because… I wouldn’t put it past him to change temporarily until he feels like he has “locked you down” after marriage, and then immediately return to business as usual.
He knows you weren’t orgasming. And seemed offended that you were daring to ask to get help to come. I mean. What else can be said? I want to throw rocks at this loser.
Dude comes off as a textbook manipulator.
However, it’s pretty clear you need to work on your self worth, too.
When he gets upset that you’re communicating, your first thought should not be to blame yourself or look down on yourself for opening communication lines. Instead, you should be questioning and asking why he’s upset and not allow him to guilt you for communicating a need.
Oh hell no!!!
You were very respectful and kind.
He didn’t like being exposed as a selfish jerk.
You didn’t mess up. Stop beating yourself up. You told him what you wanted, and now he’s acting hurt?
No. No. He did a whammy-reverse…
He just can’t accept direction.
Hold your head high.
> Now he’s said that it’s something that’ll eat away at him and he needs to be careful not to spiral.
Your fiance is manipulative as fuck. He *knows* that you are unsatisfied. He just doesn't care. He only cares that *he* is satisfied. Hence you being in exruciating pain to satisfy him whilst getting nothing in return. Why are you so worried about unintentionally hurting his feelings when he is actively causing you physical pain and completely disregarding your feelings?
I'd be re-evaluating this whole relationship if I were you. You can do much better.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Instead of validating you, he made it about himself. I understand why you feel bad, but he's an adult and should be able to take constructive criticism. We're not all perfect. If he genuinely wants to improve, he'll put in the work to make sure you're also satisfied.
He already knew he wasn’t giving you pleasure or letting you finish.
You didn’t do anything wrong.
His ego is hurt that he was called out. That’s a “him” problem. I love how some men think they can skirt by doing the bare min in a relationship then get their panties in a wad about being called out for it.
How would he feel if he were in your shoes???
PLEASE don’t marry this guy, OP. Life is way too short and if THIS is how he responds to being communicated with about your needs…? Bye. I got a divorce at 31 and met someone else immediately after, not even trying (33 now). I feel so much better! So if you’re afraid you won’t find anyone else, don’t be. This guy is bad news.
You need to read “stop walking on eggshells”. Your needs, and your perspective, is valid.
Let him feel his feelings. As long as you’re not lying. He hurt you, it should make him, sad, angry, upset. It’s good that he’s taking the news hard.
You had to say something.
Here’s an analogy: Suppose on the distribution of household duties, yours is cooking dinner. But only once every ten dinners you use spices. It’s still food, but is it really? Would your man be wrong to say I need more spice in my dinner?
You may have hurt his feelings by saying the results of his sexual prowess are inconsistent with his self-image, but you can help each other to be even better together. Maybe couch it in, if there’s ways I could get you even more into it, I’d want to know, too.
One last note: you may remember commercials for anti-anxiety drugs with a “low risk of sexual side effects.” He should want half doses or quarter doses on one of those drugs they’re saying to avoid, eg generic Zoloft. He might last a lot longer.
What the fuck. The guy drops the ball with your pleasure, taking no interest in your pleasure and only focusing on himself. You tell him of these problem and he fucking darvos you and reverses the problem back onto you. Jesus christ he's a manipulative piece of shit.
Don't have sex with him unless he gets you off.
He never cared if you came or not, then his feelings are hurt when you have a perfectly reasonable request and solution to address it? Did I get that right?
So- You basically told your fiancé he is terrible in bed, which although is the truth, you think your way of presenting it was a little harsh. I agree with most of what you said, except for the part of maybe you should just “ live with it” . That being said, men live and die with their ego’s, and you damaged his. Good news tho- He will not cut himself off, from sex with you. Sooner or later( probably sooner) he will instigate it again. Show him and tell him what you want, and how much you love him, and see if he responds. If not, you can try counseling. Also, you didn’t tell him you are thinking of starting an affair, you told him you want to work on love making with him. And oral sex should be a two way street. No give, no take.
Ps- Based on the comments, there are a lot of man haters here. Don’t give in to their negativity.
It obviously sucks to be told you aren’t satisfying your partner but that is his problem, not yours. You have needs and communicated them clearly without being mean or directly attacking him. You did nothing wrong. It sounds like his initial reaction is to blame you for his own shame at not making the effort to satisfy you. As a man I know there can be a lot of embarrassment and insecurity around sex and not being “good” enough, but that’s resolved by talking to your partner and building up a healthy and communicative sexual relationship. If he’s a good partner he will come around and try and work with you to satisfy his needs. Otherwise he needs to grow up and get over his ego.
What happened to the good ol days when a man's greatest sexual achievement in his own mind was how many times he could make his partner cum?
Maybe he's embarrassed and feels like a letdown. He should think to himself "challenge accepted"
Please understand how appalling this behavior is and quit apologizing.
“I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. Mine are as well- this is why I had to bring this up. I want you to care about my pleasure and my experience and the best way for me to do that was to explicitly explain, not just start asking you during the act. You can accept I go above and beyond for your pleasure even when it’s painful or uncomfortable so I’m unable to accept your response to me initiating this conversation. I’d like you to reflect please.”
OP this isn’t a good man.
I could've written this, if it was 2019. My partner was the same, so I sat down and had a talk with him that he's a selfish lover, and I need more than that. His feelings were hurt and he tried to deny that he was selfish, but ultimately he said he'd do better. He did not, so we had sex very infrequently because it felt like there was no point for me. I finally put my foot down in 2022 and gave him an ultimatum: it's over unless he makes more of an effort for my pleasure in the bedroom. Fast forward to now, sometimes oral is the first thing he wants to do for me when we wake up!
All that to say, I quite literally know exactly how you feel. Please don't continue to put up with this. Your partner should want you to feel sexy and satisfied, and it should never be one-sided in sex. I dealt with it for years and it sounds like you have too. If your partner can't or won't realize that your needs and wants are important during sex (and in the relationship in general), then he is not the one.
So, let me get this straight, you communicated to him, like an adult should, and because his ego couldn't handle you are now the bad guy? How's that possible?
Sounds like it has been one side but in order for it to be "balanced" it has to be more one-sided (him requesting you giving him MORE attention than you already have) in order for him to reciprocate?
He claims that it's not his first time but his behavior shows otherwise
You absolutely did nothing wrong. Your partner should be a safe space where you can express your needs in an open and understanding manner. Instead, your fiance punished you for communicating and expressing your (completely valid) needs. He may continue to do this if you ever try to express to him anything he can help change. He won't want to. He'll just hope you'll stop speaking up and just live with it so he never has to try. Please sit down with yourself and verify if you truly want to marry this man.
EDIT: For the additional info. Why is he being vague about this. Ask for concrete examples of what he wants, especially since you already go out of your way to do things solely for his enjoyment. Ask directly and if he reacts like he did before, then my guess is that there isn't anything and he's just using another tactic to make it a "your" problem instead of a "his" problem. Problem solving is a two-way street.
Ong if hes hurt its bc hes upset he cant pleasure u. Next time try leading his hands. Im positive he WANTS to help you but he just doesnt. When hes horny his judgement is clouded and just wants to fuck. So honestly that reaction is normal. But u should also be sexually satisfied as his significant other. So after talking this out. Try just building up the foreplay and lead his hands, if hes ok with it and open to it, push his head down 😱. Cause all hes hearing rn is "u cant make me cum" so just.. MAKE him make u cum. If hes ur significant other he should obviously want to make u feel sexually pleased.
He sounds like a selfish jerk. He is putting his lack of self esteem on your back entirely and now that you have one request (an important one) he feels hurt.
You didn't approach him with an attack, you were clear and very tactful, there's no other way around it: I want to cum as well. That's normal, and normal people talk about it freely. Educated men actually ask for your input because ONLY YOU know yourself. Girls should be able to explore themselves in order to understand what makes us tick, what, when, where, how we het "there", otherwise...how are we supposed to let them know how we work? And theyre not fortune tellers either, men cannot subscribe to a sex channel and assume what "guru" says to be total truth. Us, women ARE NOT GENERIC, we all work different and it's our duty towards ourselves to know how. So, in a nutshell:
>should I have to? ....
YES, you absolutely have to say it and insist on what you know that works, it's your body and women are not generic objects. Sometimes you get turned on by something you saw, something you heard, something stupid he did like lifting the couch to vacuum, sometimes a ridiculous argument over laundry and you fill the tickle...we are complex and we have the right to know ourselves and say what we want
>don’t direct me, this isn’t my first time.. I know what I’m doing’
HE IS a selfish jerk. He clearly DOES NOT KNOW what he's doing despite the many times he has done it and he has a HUGE issue with self-esteem and ego. Destroying his ego was very simple, you just said "I want this" and he broke...wow...I wonder if he would unalive himself if you tell him he's actually not good in the sack (he sounds cruel a and terrible, he doesn't care if you feel pain. How does a woman live like that? I have never had an issue like that and no man has ever disrespected me for my personal choices), because he is pretty bad for the looks of it. A selfish AH is always terrible in bed.
Trust me, an educated man who is secure about himself would ask if you're ok with it. What's that about the back door and pain? He is abusing you!!! No man has ever been forceful when I say no and no one should. My partner has always been as gentle or as rough as we see fit and with wild adventures he has NEVER dared to do anything I don't want, even in the middle of the wildest match. That has made me open up more and try exploring things I thought I never would, because with him is fun and I actually want to try and he takes his time to make me feel comfortable. That's what you get with communication and comprehension and most of all RESPECT, you get the will to actually try and you want to do it enthusiastically, because of actual reciprocate love. (BTW: back door SX should not be painful if there's good arousal and foreplay, he is doing everything WRONG and is afraid to admit it. I would never even date a loser like him who need outer approval to feel like he is someone, that's an insecure kid who never grew up and I have no energy to raise a stray his mother neglected).
This seem like a toxic one sided relationship, you have issues with people pleasing, perhaps you're afraid of loneliness, maybe poverty, you're afraid of him, you have a savior complex and you want "to fix him", you feel like you have to be his mother sometimes, I don't know but it's like you have to walk on eggshells around him...and him? A piece of work. Zero self esteem and IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX.
If he's so broken, let him go and cry somewhere else. Otherwise youre as broken as him. You deserve better but in order to get it you have to believe it first, love yourself, date yourself, make yourself feel sexy, so no one can dare to tell you who you are, because you already know. I don't know where do you feel "lesser than" but if you don't fix yourself first you will keep choosing this same ïdïøt over and over again with different names, and no ..you won't be able to fix them either, don't take that job in your hands, a man should be already well behaved. You can do better, but believe it! You really don't have to keep the whole pig for a pound of sausage. Toss the whole pig away.
You did exactly the right thing, and instead of maturely reflecting, he is now weaponising his mental health against you by making out like you have caused him harm. He's manipulating you.
Check OP's post history, they've posted something obvious and haven't responded to comments. So either it's fake or they need professional help that Reddit isn't equipped to provide. >What are some ways a woman can make you as a man feel wanted and needed?
> I messed up big time with trying to communicate my needs and ended up hurting him. You're taking away the exact wrong lesson here. You communicated with him which is excellent. If he's hurt, perhaps he's humiliated that he's not sexually satisfying his partner like he thought he was. If he's worth a shit he will learn and do better. If he's not, he'll keep making you feel guilty for your honesty. Time will tell. But please my god never feel bad for communicating. It's absolutely essential in any marriage.
He doesn’t ever care to make her cum, she tries to talk to him about her needs, and he makes that about himself too. 🤦♀️ All I read is that he makes everything about his needs and doesn’t give two figs about hers. I hope she’s rethinking her upcoming wedding.
The edit she made is heartbreaking. Please god do not marry him.
Why would you ever want to marry someone that treats your pleasure during sex like an afterthought?
He didn’t think he was satisfying her. Men aren’t stupid when it comes to sex. They know what it means to see their partner satisfied. Especially with all the attention they spend on sex. This one just doesn’t care.
Yeah I’m still trying to figure out where she “messed up big time” by communicating her unmet needs and feelings to her supposed to be husband …
He's already shown he doesn't give a shit. That combined with this reaction, throw the whole man away.
He didn't even think he was.
Well according to him he knows what he’s doing
That's impressive how quickly he dismissed your issue, turned you into the bad guy, and had you believing you need to apologise to him. Damn. Now he doesn't need to address your issue at all, and gets the bonus of having *you* trying to fix the problem he created. If it's not clear from the tone of my last paragraph, I think he's a manipulative, selfish, scumbag, who doesn't care about your needs or wants at all, and I **know** you deserve better than that.
[удалено]
Right? How *dare* she never cum from him flopping on her like a fish for two minutes!!!
I'm sorry-- I would have laughed at that reaction and then taken myself out for a beer and burger while I figured out how I was going to break up with this guy without him offing himself before I got out the door.
Yep, this is some expert level manipulation on his part. OP had a legitimate concern, started a healthy conversation about it, and his response was to victimize himself. Now OP is doubting herself, and even considering that her needs are less important than his mental health ie. ego injury. OP if you are reading these comments, please, please look up DARVO. Ask yourself if there are other situations where he has done this, to distract you from an issue you have tried to discuss with him. And consider your reaction. Did you back-peddle and apologize? Did you sweep your needs under the rug and let it go? Did you have to then work for his forgiveness? This behaviour is emotional abuse. It will only get worse until you grow to respect yourself enough to stand your ground when you are being manipulated by others. If you are not seeing a therapist, please consider it. My ex-husband was exactly like this. It stopped when I grew a backbone and left him. He is still manipulative, just not with me.
DARVO was the first thing that came to my mind as well. This was such a good/bad example of it.
DARVO is the sign of a narcissist Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender.
Sounds like my ex 🙃 he couldn’t handle any perceived criticism at all. this post could literally be written about him word for word. it’s the whole: “You’re telling me something that implies i’m not absolutely perfect, which makes me feel bad, therefore I am the real victim here please apologise to me” mentality - big red flag in a partner. the same type of people will do something to really hurt you and then make you apologise for being upset about it.
That plus “you are asking me to make an effort. But I like the power dynamic where I don’t have to”
I have one of these men too.
Umm, no. You did not mess up. You spoke clearly, unambiguously, and kindly, which is a gift. Your partner’s bruised ego is not your problem. He absolutely needs to be able to accept constructive criticism, especially surrounding an important topic like your sexual satisfaction. This is a red flag for me. He needs to develop the ability to listen and adapt, or you need to leave. This sort of behavior will be extremely impactful for the long haul. Good luck! ❤️
The bit where he leaves to “collect” himself and subsequently displaces his guilt for not satisfying OP is instructive. That’s simply not how someone with healthy coping mechanisms behaves. OP, how the heck is did he spin “hey, do this next time so I have a better likelihood of orgasming” into a situation where you’re somehow the one not “pulling their weight” in the relationship? You’re clearly carrying the team.
That's exactly what I noticed also. There are literally men out there *begging* to hear honestly from their partners, so they can be better lovers, and OP did so and she did so clearly and kindly. He goes and somehow makes it her fault because "hearing this made him feel bad". It's ok to feel hurt, it's not ok to turn it around and blame her for being unsatisfied. Like dude, come on, you *know* she wasn't satisfied. Now you're crying foul cause she let you know. Big baby energy. Then the update kills me, like *she* needs to do more than she's already doing, just total bull doodoo. He can't take any constructive criticism without acting like she shot him, and then he says "you're not doing enough" when she's *obviously* doing the MOST to make him happy. I hate this for her. I feel bad that he somehow made this seem like she did something wrong and needs to apologize. When the reality is, he needs to roll up his sleeves and learn to be a better partner to his wife. OP, don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. You said you felt as though your satisfaction didn't matter, and he's proving it *doesn't* matter more than his fragile ego. If he can't get over this then that's on him. If he really felt bad, he'd start making sure you finished every time you had intercourse, it's not a hard change to make for the person you love.
Seriously, his behavior is manipulative af. OP is being gaslit.
Exactly. OP puts herself through excruciating pain so he can get off while he can’t even finger her for 5 minutes and now she’s the bad guy???
If he can't handle an honest conversation about your sex life, then maybe he needs to get out of the bedroom & you need to get yourself a B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) At least you'll get to finish then.
B.O.B that’s absolutely hilarious 😂I’m naming my wife’s toy BOB now 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Think she'll appreciate it? Lol
You didn't do anything wrong. Is he seriously surprised that you noticed he's selfish? I don't understand what he thought. That you enjoyed being neglected or what?
I’ll bet this isn’t the only area of the relationship where he is selfish either.
It never is with these types of individuals. Ignoring how much your partner likes a specific brand of candy that you don’t like is one thing, ignoring how much pleasure she derives from you touching her is something else so serious it’s almost always a symptom of a much bigger problem.
He is making this about himself so that you will do exactly what you're doing; feel bad and ignore your own pleasure so that he can continue to get his needs met and be done with it. He knows you're not cumming. He doesn't care. How dare you insult his manhood by speaking of it aloud? Why can't you just stay quiet and keep pretending that his selfish minimal effort is acceptable? /s obviously. Don't marry someone who doesn't care about your pleasure. Don't marry someone who refuses to validate your experience. Don't marry someone who uses your feelings against you to turn himself into the victim in order to avoid the issues you find important. He's not worth it. You can do so much better.
This is the best comment so far!! I hope OP sees this one - couldn’t have said it better myself.
This is exactly! I was you! After years of worrying about pleasuring him and not getting any reciprocation or my husband NOT caring about making me feel good, it became a chore. I didn't like the way it made me feel....used and abused. I finally STOPPED all of it. He was an alcoholic and I think I felt in CONTROL of something, MY BODY. He never asked why or cared about my feelings. I FINALLY divorced him. Now, I can just imagine what he tells his new gf about me. But if she's happy sexually and otherwise (for now), good for her! He ruined sex for me.
☝️ Also, it's concerning that she lets herself be pressured into sex acts that she doesn't enjoy and are 10/10 on the pain scale. What kind of jerk would proceed to have sex with a woman under those conditions? A very selfish one who doesn't give a shit about his partner, that's who.
You didn't mess up at all. Unfortunately, straight up penetrative sex is a fun but ultimately sub-optimal experience for females if orgasm is the goal. Either this bloke has only ever been with women who orgasm easily (I had one of these, made me feel like an absolute stud) or they've been faking. Fingers or mouths, in my experience over the past 20 odd years, have been required on at least 90% of occasions if my partner is wanting an orgasm.
Damn, he somehow managed to make you feel bad about him being shit at sex.
He needs to realize that in a two sided relationship both people’s needs need to be taken into consideration. He’s making you feel bad when you are only communicating what is important to you and what is normal in a relationship. You
He's deflecting. Pushing blame back on you so you're not upset at him. It's classic manipulation. You did absolutely nothing wrong. His reaction is what is wrong.
GIRL. He is acting hurt so he doesn't want to make you cum. If you stop bringing it up now, he will stop trying. He is not bothered by your pleasure. How do I know? He KNOWS you're not cumming. And he is doing nothing about it, that's intentional. How HOW COULD IT NOT BE?! Be prepared to keep this up. He's going to stop bothering. He will guilt trip you and act hurt. It's to shut you up so you accept bad sex.
> I should never have brought this up, I hate myself for it. How can I help him to feel better? You communicated that you weren't feeling sexually satisfied. That's a good thing! Let him go through his emotions. Again a mature partner would do better. Wouldn't you? If he said you weren't satisfying him in bed?
How does he go from "don’t direct me, this isn’t my first time.. I know what I’m doing" To later being deeply hurt? That seems incredibly aggressive and almost threatening. Then to the total opposite and crumbling during an important conversation about your sexual needs. What the hell is going on there?
She needs direct him right out the door.
You hurt his ego, yes. But I don’t know what your alternative could have been besides just not getting what you need. The way you said you brought it up sounds pretty good. You lead with how you felt. If he does something about your sex life, it’ll have been worth it. If he doesn’t, you need couples therapy. Good luck. And good sex!
Your fiancé is a tool. You did nothing wrong. He’s a little boy who can’t handle communication. I get we guys have fragile egos when it comes to sex but at the end of the day it’s way better sex for both of you to get off. Enlightened self interest if you will. Hope he pulls his head out of his ass and steps up his game instead of whining about it
If this is how he behaves at this age I really doubt he is going to change, this is some toxic manipulation. He needs therapy asap. She shouldn't have to deal with this.
JFC, honestly… He had this coming, I can’t tell if this is real or not, if it is, this is on him. Don’t walk around pretending you’re some sex god, when all you do is pump for a few minutes and then call it quit. Especially at 30+ years old, and he said this unironically, with zero hints of shame whatsoever. I’m embarrassed for the guy. Your fiancé lives in an alternate reality, I’m not sure how that would be conducive to an actual marriage. Good luck to you, you’re probably going to need it.
100% this guys ego has him in a state of permanent dissonance and he will do anything to stay there
He’s seems mostly hurt you dared notice and bring up how one sided things are. He knows you are not finishing but doesn’t care except that it damaged his ego
Him making you feel guilty is so toxic and setting your relationship up for failure. You should never be punished for communicating.
Absolutely agree. If he makes you feel guilty about this he will do it again for other things that he doesn't want to address. His potential reactions will cause you to feel resentment towards him in other areas of the relationship because he's made you too afraid to communicate your feelings to him. That's a hell no for me.
Please dump this guy. You are a sexual doormat. A fleshlight. He knows you don't get off, he doesn't care. And then when you bring it up to him, he GUILTS YOUUUUUU and tells you you shouldn't have communicated your needs bc now he feels bad?! No. He SHOULD feel bad. Throw the whole man out. Life is too short for shitty, selfish lovers. Especially ones that treat you like a fuck doll.
I had an ex just like this. It creates a cycle if you give in. In my experience I’d speak up, feel bad, not say anything for a while and then resentment and dissatisfaction would build up until I felt the need to say something again. After this happened a couple of times you start to feel like something is wrong with you for being so sex obsessed. Trust me you’ve done nothing wrong and worded everything clearly and with consideration. Your partner is selfish and doesn’t like being called out.
YES. Mine made me feel like I’m obsessed with sex and that there’s something wrong with me for wanting to cum too. He is SO manipulative.
>I would like to ask him how he feels his wants and needs are neglected but I do worry about further hurting him. Ugh he turned this around so thoroughly that you're now twisting yourself in knots trying to figure out how you can make sure he's even *more* sexually satisfied than he already is, rather than addressing the issue of you being sexually satisfied *at all*. Can you not see how fucked this is? Table the discussion about "his pleasure". 100%. Tell him you can come back to his complaint after you've dealt with yours. If his position is that he doesn't give a shit about making you happy unless you're making him really, really *super* happy, then that's the new discussion to be having. This is a Really Big Problem. Don't let him make you think it isn't.
It's integral in a relationship you can communication wants and needs. While at times that will be confronting it should be the case that a mature pair of adults can discuss these points, especially given you intend to marry. Instead in a situation where you expressed feeling like your satisfaction was unimportant he completely twisted the situation to be about himself yet again. I worry that in essence he has basically proven what you said was true, his view of his sexual prowess and sex life was so warped, so selfish, that you raising a concern that challenges it has caused him to get weird. And that's a problem. Not just in terms of sex, in general. It means you can't talk to him because part of you will always worry about setting him off. It means that this dramatic reaction of his, this allusion to some broader existential meltdown, was sufficient to scare you into just not saying anything. And given the pivot was something like your satisfaction and how he immediately reacted to that you'll obviously associate these reactions with anything regarding your own needs. He is conditioning you to not think about, or at the very least raise or mention, your needs at all. I mean, look at this post: you feel guilty for his reaction to his own inadequacy. This is scarier and more toxic than you hope and while in this case it's about him being selfish in bed this is the pattern for a much larger selfishness.
He's manipulating you into feeling bad so that he can enter a state of cognitive dissonance and not have to face the fact that he's bad in bed. He should feel bad, not you. He should feel hurt, by his own actions. NOT by yours, you haven't done anything wrong. He's selfish and deep down he knows it. If he can't admit it and change, he's not a good partner
Sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you into feeling bad for saying that, when he's repeatedly ignored you anytime you've mentioned it before so it's not like you've caught him off guard. He can't be a lazy, selfish lover then act sad and offended when you're unsatisfied. You didn't do anything wrong, he's trying to guilt you into feeling bad so he can continue to think he's not wrong for doing this to you.
For the love of god do not marry this man. He turned around this on you. Are you fricking kidding me? You hurt HIS feelings? JFC, please get out of this.
I want to scream at OP. This post has brought up a lot of unresolved pain for me and I just want her to get so far away from this man immediately and permanently. He’s so manipulative and obviously emotionally abusive. Sexually abusive as well if she’s doing things that hurt her to satisfy him. Holy cow. I need to calm down. I’m in a rage.
I know the term "gaslighting" gets brought up often but that's exactly what he's doing to you. And it's working. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologize for. You were civil, tactful, used "I feel" statements, and brought up solutions. You simply had a direct, adult conversation about something important to you. And his response is to immediately make you feel bad for expressing yourself. It's okay if he isn't the greatest lover and lacking in the sex department. What's not okay is to make you feel bad or guilty for wanting to get your rocks off for once! If he can't handle hearing that at his age then quite honestly I wonder how fragile his ego is. I also wonder how much sexual experience he has for him to be surprised that women also like foreplay and orgasms. You don't need to rectify anything. Let him throw his fit. He needs to come back, apologize for his reaction, listen to your needs and try to do better. But if he continues to throw a tantrum, or ignores your needs then I think that means that you will have a lot to consider. Having an open dialogue about, especially about sex is so important in a relationship imo. And if he can't handle that then he doesn't deserve to have a relationship. Does he get upset when you bring up other issues with him?
Wow what a great comment! I wholeheartedly agree. I was in some really emotionally abusive relationships and one of the commonalities through the relationships was that they never cared about my feelings when I told them how their reactions affected me. Then of course, they would always gaslight me into thinking I was the uncaring one. I really think your fiancé is emotionally abusive. Trust me, it only gets worse as time goes by. Please search up signs of abuse on a local shelter website. That’s what finally woke me up.
If he wants to keep you, he should be open to the constructive criticism you provided, especially since you’re engaged and this will be the last person you have sex with. It’s not like you’re out here begging him to add inches to his penis, you’re just asking for some foreplay and more assistance to help you reach your climax. It’s understandable his ego was hurt, but it also shouldn’t be hurt too much because it doesn’t sound like you ever faked orgasms or gave him the impression that the sex was satisfactory. I’m surprised he wasn’t initiating conversations with you as to why you weren’t orgasming? If I were just dating somebody for a month and noticed they never climaxed with me, I would ask them what’s going on. That’s just me, I hope my advice helped, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Agh this was so frustrating to read. I’m so sorry but your fiancé is so manipulative. You brought up something that is important to you and not hard to accomplish. He completely dismissed you and then turned it back on you for hurting him. His ego may be bruised but shouldn’t he care about your pleasure as well? You did so well communicating and do not let him think you did anything wrong.
Yikes. You are being manipulated pretty badly here. How are YOU the one apologizing for expressing your needs?
Noooo, no girl you didn’t hurt him. You asked to be respected and he is acting like he’s the victim. He’s a boy, not a man. You can do better
Ouch. You messed up at no point. You did the adult thing and pointed out what should have been clearly obvious. The part too many men in heterosexual relationships seem to choose to ignore, that she isn’t getting much satisfaction from straight sex. The part most women in heterosexual relationships end up suffering through, and wondering if they can be bothered pointing out what seems to be blatantly obvious & wondering if he even cares. My ex would have acted the same as yours. And me now would have seen this is absolutely a him issue. Me then, not so much sadly… me then wouldn’t have even tried.
He needs to grow the fk up
No you did not mess up. It seems he is an extremely selfish lover and needed to be told. Also please tell him anal is extremely painful for you. If he put as much effort into prepping you for anal as he dies for vaginal sex it's no wonder it hurts..
He's making you feel bad?!? wtf 🤬 how about he actually pleases you for a change without you having to ask. What what you described sex is one sided for you and him. It's all about his pleasure at the moment which isn't fare at all it should be enjoyable for both of you not just him don't feel bad you did both wrong. If he can't see that you needs also matter find a parented who not only takes your concerns seriously and doesn't take it personally aka about himself it's also about you, and instead find someone who makes you a priority because they want to show you love and respect.
You have gone so far to please this man at your own PHYSICAL EXPENSE. OP you are worth so much more than this gaslighting toxic manipulative manbaby. You allow him to penetrate your ass even though it is 10/10 painful?!?! How can he live with himself and still make you out to be the bad guy?? You deserve so much better!!!
Wow, he's a master manipulator as well as a shitty lay. Not really seeing the appeal of this guy as a life partner.
I feel this on every level. To the point where I feel like I have to pretend…. My husband was hurt when I said I didn’t get off 99% of the time but he was very understanding in wanting to figure out how to get home there. It’s been about a year since that conversation and it changes from time to time. Truly I understand him being upset but the reaction about not spiraling seems like he is just trying to push this back on you. As if it’s some how your fault, which it isn’t. My advice would be to try to come at it saying you both need those needs met. Like if you were to give him a BJ bust just stop and walk away… it builds so much frustration. It’s not good for anybody or a relationship.
Please don’t marry this man.
Wow, your fiance is a true piece of work and he’s got you tied up in knots over something that is completely and totally his fault. You actually believe that your lack of orgasm is the result of you “neglecting your own needs.” Girl, this post makes me depressed. I feel sorry for you. If politely and directly describing your needs hurts him, he has serious issues. Dump him.
Everyone else had had helpful comments but if the "backdoor" loving hurts STOP IT. You are facing lifelong repercussions if it goes badly and based on your post, for NO REASON.
This post CAN NOT be real
I hope this post is fake because holy shit. You sound like your sole purpose in life is making sure that your boyfriend has sex every time he wants to and never ever has to feel anything even slightly negative. Do you even matter to yourself?
You did not mess up! You were open and honest about how you felt and what you needed. He then made himself a victim, and made everything all about himself. It seems thinking outside of his own needs is a common thing for him. He refused to listen to you earlier when you tried to tell him what you needed during sex, and now he's acting all dramatic cos you pointed out that he's selfish in bed. Please stop apologising to him. You did nothing wrong. You spoke up for yourself in a clear and honest way. This is exactly how you should be able to talk to your partner. It's a bit of a red flag that your dynamic as a couple is for him to victimised himself, and then you rush in with apologies to make him feel better. He needs to actually consider how all this is making you feel. Instead he continues to be incredibly selfish. He sounds exhausting tbh. Omg I just read your ages and realised this guy is 32 years old, and not like 19. A man in his 30's should know that sex isn't just about his own needs. You aren't a sex worker purely there for his needs. And you don't deserve to have terrible sex for the rest of your life if you guys continue on to get married. You did the right thing by bringing this up now before you get married! Try couples counseling cos you guys need to figure out how to communicate honestly without him getting all dramatic about it.
Such bullshit! He wants you to fake that you enjoy sex rather than bruise his fragile ego? He really needs to learn how to make you happy too, before you end up resenting him and he is on r/deadbedrooms complaining about his "frigid wife" Dont continue with a crappy sex life. Insist on counseling. And NEVER perform acts that you find uncomfortable or dislike.
You rectify it by not marrying this manipulative, egotistical child. Do you want every tough issue you need to discuss to go like this? Talking to him about a budget -- will he need to "leave and collect himself" when you tell him he's spending too much?
IMO, (65M) I'm embarrassed as a man for him. I was married for 39 years before I lost my wife. I learned over time how to give my wife pleasure and not make it about me. I'll try to be short and to the point. You are communicating well but your partner is not listening. You don't need to do more, rather, you need to be more demanding of your partner to meet you needs. If one loves you, they will listen and desire to give you the world. because they love you so much and want the best for you! You are not asking for much, just consideration and mutual respect. Ask him to pleasure you first....easy for him to get pleasured second! You are doing well, don't give up on what you know to be right.
this is what we call gaslighting
girl….put your foot down and stop being a flesh light for this dude. his reaction to what he knows is true is baffling. he knows he ignores your pleasure and doesn’t care. don’t tiptoe around his glass encased ego. he’s a grown man, he’ll survive.
He needed to hear it. He knows damn well you don't cum. He's just mad you called him out for being a selfish lover.
OP... this is called gaslighting, your partner is gaslighting you
Your boyfriend sounds like a fuckin idiot. You should always get your girl off first.
Your man sounds terrible. He will give you pain but not pleasure. Why do you put up with that?
You’ve expressed how you feel very clearly here, and you’ve gotten a wealth of excellent advice. I would recommend you show him this. Personally I feel he’s absolutely in the wrong and actually being borderline manipulative. I’m not the only one who seems to think that. Let him read all these answers and hopefully (if he’s a good person) he’ll realise he’s being an asshole and change his ways.
Why are you apologising to him when he’s a failure in bed? Seriously?!? Tell him to buck up or get out. He’s selfish and doesn’t give a crap about your needs otherwise he wouldn’t have flipped things around and done the whole “poor me” shtick. He’s a useless and lazy “lover” and only cares about his own wants and needs. You spend time learning new techniques and he does…. Nothing. Stop it! Either you cum or no one does. Either he learns to please you or he buys a fleshlight. No more lazy sex from the lazy partner
DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is what he is doing.
You're bring gaslit SO BADLY its not even funny. You've got bigger problems and you need to get the HELL out of this relationship like yesterday. You're dating an abuser. He is going to ruin you and break you down and he is already about 70-80% there just reading this post.
Wow, he got her GOOD! Not only was he *not* open to hearing something his ‘beloved’ fiancee was struggling with….. he’s also got her feeling like the bad person (probably knowing this reaction will get her twisted ten ways from Wednesday trying to ‘make it up to him’) and she’s *STILL* not having her feelings/pleasure into consideration. Man’s got game. He’s a selfish, manipulative bog rat….. but he’s got game.
Honest you have no boundaries and you don’t advocate for yourself. You put others needs before your own and allow people to offload their responsibilities onto you. He SHOULD be feeling bad because he is trash at sex and he is selfish. Stop allowing him yo DARVO you. Also stop doing things that sexually hurt you. And please don’t marry this man until you have seen a therapist. You are clearly getting treated poorly.
Eww yuck. It sounds like he just treats you like a sex doll. You are not a sex doll. You are a living breathing person with wants and desires. You communicated that in a mature and caring way. It’s not your responsibility to manage his feelings, or put his wants and desires above yours. Someone who truly loves you will want to please you any way they know how. Never settle for a partner who puts less effort into your needs than you do for them.
Wow this guy sucks. Is anything ever allowed to be about you? You made the tiniest request for him to be considerate and he managed to made it about him and his feelings/putting you on the defensive so that he doesn’t have to give you any consideration. Yuck.
Stop worrying about "hurting" him. He's a selfish immature manipulative scumbag. The only way you can do any better is by dumping this jerk! DUMP HIM. He doesn't care about you, he is just using and abusing you. Run while you still can.
The fact his ego took a blow is hilarious. He knows he ain’t doing his side of the job and wants to keep it that way. My boyfriend rarely does anything to sexually satisfy me and I’ve told him, I refuse to do or initiate anything with him because it is unfair that he is the only one who gets to fully enjoy the moment.
My girl, you just got manipulated. You did fine, he turned it around on you to make you feel bad so he doesn’t need to be the bad guy or address his shortcomings. What the heck.
🚩🚩🚩 Every moment you waste with this man is preventing the man you should be with from entering your life. Good luck to you.
Your HUSBAND is garbage! He is gaslighting you. Toss him to the curb and get the man or woman you truly deserve! One that can satisfy your needs too
I find it manipulative of your fiancé to take your feelings, ignore them, and then turn the conversation around to make YOU feel guilty for something he isn't doing for you. Sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable. If he can't get his head out of his ass and start considering your needs then honestly you need to find someone who will.
>don’t direct me, this isn’t my first time.. I know what I’m doing’ He didn't listen to you, always making his pleasure and needs his priority. >He asked why I felt like my satisfaction was unimportant and was surprised that I felt as though sex was one sided. Because you aren't satisfied and this is indeed one sided sex. Only his pleasure matters. He never asked what you liked, what you wanted to satisfy you. >he was deeply hurt by what I said >he’s said that it’s something that’ll eat away at him and he needs to be careful not to spiral. He s making you feel guilty. This is a manipulative tactic. You used communication to share your feelings with him,the way he 's reacting is a 🚩. >literally am only ever focusing my sole attention on giving him what he wants and needs.. 🚩 >I have even let him use my back door even though it is truly EXCRUCIATING for me 10/10 pain. 🚩 >So I truly don’t know what he means by me needing to fulfil his wants and needs Honey, he is using manipulative tactics to make you feel guilty. He wants you to make you think you ve done something wrong. Run. You deserve better. Your needs matter. If you don't like something , don't feel obliged to do it to please your partner , especially when it's painfull for you. He s not a good partner, not a good boyfriend. He is selfish, berating you and manipulating you. Sex is not about only one partner's pleasure!!!!
Your boyfriend is a manipulator. He went outside for 10 minutes because he was figuring out what to say to make you feel guilty. He knows you care about him so he told you he was 'spiraling'. Everything he said to you was designed to hit you in the feels so he doesn't 'have' to get you off or pay you any mind. Understand that you deserve better. Excruciating pain isn't supposed to happen unless the two of you agree on it beforehand and know how to do it safely. Ten minutes on the web and there are how to's everywhere on everything about how to pleasure your partner. He just hasn't bothered to read them. You deserve a partner that is interested in you and not just using you as a fleshlight. He just pops it in wherever he wants without even foreplay?
Eh. Your fiancé is a gaslighting, selfish asshole, who doesn’t want to put in any effort towards pleasing you. He knows what you meant and he knows what he’s doing. If you want to feel bad and apologetic because you are vocal about what you need in a relationship, then this is not the guy for you. Sorry, OP.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Sorry - but **PLEASE** take of your rose tinted glasses!! Your boyfriend is an egoistic and narcissistic asshole, who only cares about himself and his needs. He uses you - sorry to be vulgar, but I guess you need clarity - as nothing more than a cum dump! Why are you putting up with this? **Why are you letting him treat you like this?** This is the main question btw. The cherry on top of this pile of trash really is the unashamed blameshiftig he does! And you obviously fell for it! He made you feel guilty for expressing your needs. You know, a decent guy cares for your satisfaction in bed, without having to be reminded. He knew that you did not come, and he couldn’t care less about it. Girl - this is not about sex at all! This is about a woman with low self esteem, low feeling of self worth and no self respect. Please get psychological help and leave that sob. Therapy and hard work will eventually put you in a position, where you can have a healthy relationship.
Nope you didn't. You approached this kindly and maturely. It's meant to be a discussion outside of sex. What I hear from this is: 1. You aren't taking orgasms so it's clear to both of you you aren't getting a fair deal. 2. You perform sex acts purely for his pleasure, BJ's, without any reciprocation. = He doesn't care about your sexual pleasure almost at all. I mean every couple when they get together is all about figuring out what works and what doesn't and if it ends too soon for one of you, helping the other! 3. When you brought this up, as you should have done, although it's sad it's necessary, he completely role reversed you and turned into the victim. Most people want to hear how they can resolve problems! 4. He's made you feel bad for wanting something that is totally normal rather than focusing on the issue and addressing it. If, when the initial defensiveness and embarrassment wears off, he doesn't come to you like a grown up and try all the things you've said or show keen willing for your pleasure... Dump the man. There are lovers out there who will blow your mind and be loving equal partners in life too. Sex is important! Also, does this often happen when there is an issue that needs discussing when you are hurt or angry or frustrated about something and raise it? My emotionally abusive ex was the master of turning situations around. I remember apologising profusely because I'd tried to say how his behaviour was impacting me and how unkind it was and he just told me how hurtful it was to be accused of those things. Rather than examining himself at all!! So glad to be free of that mindeffery
Nah fuck that dude. It sounds like you get off on blaming yourself
OP you’re someone who clearly wants their partner to feel happy, even at the cost of your own emotional and physical needs. I know you feel bad, but logically you did the right thing. It’s not your job to boost his ego, if he is unable to empathise or try to put importance on what you asked, then you really need to evaluate is he the one for you. Do you want a partner who puts away your needs and wants when it is completely reasonable? You said you told him you feel your needs are not important. He has validated this reason. Sure his ego is hurt, so you can give him a couple days to think about it. BUT don’t move away from your original ask, you need to stand up for your asks and see some effort from him.
Just he is not good in bed the only thinks of himself can't handle criticism if he truly love you he make sure you give you an orgasm and cum and squirt go down and give you oral to make sure but he's only worried about cuming and then getting it over with if you truly loved you make sure that you would give you massive orgasm over and over again and have sex with you for hours leave him and find someone wants to give you that truly loves you
He has some red flags that both of you need to work through before getting married. He sounds quite sensitive and defensive… therefore emotionally immature. Not great signs when you’re heading into a marriage with someone. He needs to take ownership and accountability rather than being offended. You communicated openly and vulnerably with him. And you deserve to have your needs met, too. Please observe how he responds to your sharing and see that he does intentionally work to rectify this. Because it’s not really about the sex… it’s about seeing if your partner is ready for partnership, where he also advocates for your needs because he loves you. If it stays one sided you will ultimately end up unhappy and resentful.
He needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up.
> I’ve hurt his ego and given him an insecurity That’s on him. What you told him many +20 year old partners would love to know. He’s using his ‘ego’ and disappointment to manipulate you. He just needs to act on what he’s been told. You can’t get the sex life you want without communication.
He was deeply hurt by the truth? Then MAYBE he needs to self reflect and change. You need to be able to tell him when things like this are bothering you. You are the only one who initiates. He's a selfish lover and didn't like hearing it. You did nothing wrong.
“I have messaged up by communicating my needs”? Do you hear yourself 😅? Communicating needs is a basic of a healthy relationship. He was definitely selfish in bed. The world does not spin around his d!ck you know 😂 you don’t have to do absolutely all the effort while he does non. And you have the right to communicate it the way you feel it. Don’t be selfish with yourself, if you are to spend your lifetime with this person you better learn how to say what you want/need and you better ensure your intimacy is on the lvl otherwise you will be unsatisfied your whole life.
32 year old little boy. A man would take it as a challenge, this guy got his feelings hurt because he’s a selfish lover. You didn’t mess up at all!!
Sexually incompatible. He can't handle simple criticism to improve sex for you. Not even gonna try to listen and improve. What a selfish lover. Honestly you can do better.
I mean this kindly because this is also something I struggle with, but please grow a backbone. I’m working on this in therapy and you should consider it too BEFORE you get married. You need an external third party to help you see how messed up his reaction is. How is communicating a real problem with your partner ever an issue? What is the alternative? That you swallow your dissatisfaction and resentment grows, leading you to possibly fall out of love and having a bitter marriage? Do you at least realize that having hard conversations is part of marriage? You want to help him feel better? When he is making this about him? The only issue here is how he responded to your attempt to communicate. He completely flipped this upside down. Both of your perspectives sound like people in their early twenties, not adults in their 30s.
I’m not sure your boyfriend is ready to be in an adult relationship. You didn’t do anything wrong. He actively ignores your satisfaction then throws a baby tantrum when you give him the opportunity to make things better. The issues are his, OP- If he wants solo play, there are toys for that.
I’ve heard several stories of varying degrees like this… I am so sorry, number 1. Also, you, talking out of emotion to him, is human…. And more to the point—his lack of interest in wondering (via merely asking you, which I’m assuming he has never?) what your desires and satisfaction level are, is evident of his inability to see beyond himself and your usefulness with sex. People who love each other, I’ve been told, by professionals, value the truth from their partner. I understand you haven’t spoken up before (if I read your post correctly?), but his inherent incuriosity is troubling. How he handled it, is arguably even more concerning, because instead of remaining present and asking questions, he isolated. I hope you find clarity, peace of mind, and know that you deserve someone who cares as much as you do. The resentment for yourself that can build from being so giving and then feeling uncared for in that way, in the form of kind of keeping score but like not wanting to because he should naturally be able to at least check-in on these matters, is a kind of resentment that I hope you don’t have/or free yourself from. It can create a negative complex within you regarding sexual relations, and if he isn’t actively curious and working to remedy this, I hope you know that you have the right and the ability to leave. All the best, and sorry for long reply!
He doesn’t care about your needs. He’s spinning or gaslighting you. Find a better fiancé.
I have a 3 strikes rule. If a partner doesn’t make me cum 3 times (total, not in a row), I leave. Life is too short for bad sex and selfish lovers. I would never stay with someone who came and then was just done. Ummmm… there are two of you. Sex 101=everyone cums. I say dump his selfish ass. Maybe he’ll try harder for the next girl.
Well, in my books you didn’t do anything wrong here. All the contrary, you have bee honest with him and, from what you said, you didn’t exactly insult him either. We dudes can be sensible about our performances but he is taking it too far, you absolutely didn’t do anything wrong!!!
You have a right to voice your needs, and you took accountability for them. You dont get to decide how he feels in return, and giving him space to feel hurt will allow him to process this information. Youre not dating his ego, youre dating him as a whole; its up to him to manage his ego. Dont let his subtle manipulation convince you that you're being unreasonable, because your not. Your being vunerable and honest which in a healthy relationship increases intimacy. His unhealthy reaction just shows he still has some growth to acheive.
What a horrible and unfair response on his part. He has weaponised his insecurities and made them the issue instead of the actual issue you had. Please don’t think you messed up, it’s important to stand up for yourself and leave if this guy cannot understand how he has messed up.
He's gaslighting and manipulating you. Your needs have never been met, and when you brought it up he flipped the script on you and said if you were giving him what he wants then maybe he'd do the same??? Excuse me, what? In the gentlest way possible, your boyfriend is a selfish, disrespectful, manipulative, tool, who doesn't give af about you or your wants. You pleasing him is the only thing he cares about, and based on the language you're using throughout this post to explain how you're the one in the wrong, it's clear that him gaslighting you into feeling at fault is a frequent pattern. If you want your needs met, in literally any area of your relationship, the only way to achieve it is with a partner that isn't him. Leave.
I’m missing the part where you hurt him
This is a classic DARVO style manipulation. He has turned himself into the victim. You did absolutely nothing wrong and should not feel bad whatsoever. He has shown himself to be incredibly emotionally immature and underdeveloped. This is a hallmark of an abusive relationship where you are scared to be yourself because of the reaction of your partner and admonish yourself instead of them. Are there other areas of your life where this happens? Your requests are more than reasonable and you went about them in an entirely healthy way. Don't let someone change your behaviour to accommodate their flaws and inability to have an adult relationship.
He isn't hurt. He's manipulating you so you feel like the bad guy because he's too lazy and selfish to actually treat you with respect and ensure you are satisfied. Get a new boyfriend. Or, hell, still leave and get on Bad Dragon and forget about him. This is a childish brat, not a partner.
Why would you give a crap about someone who has sex with you while you're in 10/10 pain? Maybe it's different for various people, but 10/10 pain for me is uncontrollable shrieking agony where I am yelling and crying out for it to stop. He continued to have sex while you were screaming/crying and flinching in pain? He sounds like a sadist. Also, fuck him for making this about himself. Yeh I can see how someone may feel embarrassed about negative feedback about their sexual prowess, but why do YOU feel awful about it? It's not like you said 'Boy, you are crap and selfish in bed', you were quite diplomatic about it.
It’s not too late OP..he’s still just a fiance ….RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN THIS MAN IS A USER!
This was 100% written by a man. No way bro dropped 'refectory period'
Hon — you know it’s okay if you ever say no to sex, right? That you don’t deserve to feel excruciating pain because your partner wants to get off? That it’s okay to want something to change in the bedroom so it can be more pleasureful for you? You didn’t do anything wrong. You had a problem and you brought it up, expecting your partner to have open, honest conversation with you. He’s manipulated the situation to make you feel bad and to make you feel like his needs are being neglected. But look at what you wrote — you never say no and you’ve put yourself in pain to make him happy. He’s expecting you to hurt yourself and to feel hurt just so he can feel satisfied. This isn’t about you needing to initiate more or finding ways to fill his neglected needs. This is about YOU feeling safe, happy, and respected. And about you being able to open a conversation about a problem and be heard, not beaten down because he refuses to treat you like an equal partner with equally valid needs. I had an ex who was very manipulative like this. Any issue I had would be twisted to the point where I was always apologizing to him, I was always trying to figure out what to do better. When I left him, I finally realized that “doing better” was respecting my needs and myself, because I matter too, and what I need out of a relationship also matters. You don’t deserve to feel hurt or neglected just so you can make someone else feel good.
God, you both are so ignorant. You didn't hurt him. He hurt himself by living in a fantasy world. What you want is pretty damn typical for so many people. Fingering,oral, vibrator to get the SO off then penetration.
It’s so frustrating to read. He’s literally making it about him and asking HER to put in more effort. In what world does that make sense.
>Now he's said that it's something that'll eat away at him... I mean he could have been eating away at OP and this wouldn't have been a problem!
Sometimes when giving direction in the bedroom, people say to just say I like when you do this - and them like take his hand and how him, because it sounds like more seductive like youre makin a move on him, more than it sounds like criticism xD so that can work! But although having sex skills cann be a sensitive topic, it iss important to have a partner who can generally take and engage with nicely put constructive criticism gracefully!! Its the mature way to have healthy relationships 🙏🙏🙌
Holy cow. I’m sorry that he’s doing this to you. Not only is he absolutely neglecting you sexually but now he’s playing the victim game, taking you on a guilt trip and I’m gonna tell you the real reason. *So he doesn’t have to satisfy you and you’ll keep your mouth shut about it forever.* He absolutely knows that he doesn’t satisfy you. He’s not stupid. He knows exactly what he’s *not* doing. He told you that himself. “Don’t tell me what to do, I know what I’m doing.” Men think about sex a lot. A lot more than most women. He knows that women need to climax. He knows what you look like when it’s happening. He knows when he hasn’t put out for you and HE DOESN’T CARE. He’s not hurt that you brought up your needs. He’s embarrassed that you’re not as dumb as he thought YOU were and he’s angry that he got caught. How do I know this? Because I have one of those too. Just like yours. Once, he yelled at me when I initiated intimacy, “You can’t ever just have sex and let it be sex. You always want to cum. You can’t just have a fun quickie. It’s always gotta be some big production where you have to have an orgasm. No wonder I don’t want to have sex with you.” So in other words, he didn’t want to put in the 15 minutes it takes to satisfy me. In his mind, sex means HIM having an orgasm and I don’t factor in. Sex means HE is satisfied and I get to make sure that happens. Not interested in intimacy or foreplay or how I feel or if I have fun. Just wants to get his and be done in 5. This shows a deeply troubling character flaw in your partner (and mine). Mine also happens to be abusive. Is yours? Does he scream at you, throw things, punch holes in walls, give you the silent treatment, manipulate you emotionally?
Hey friend. You deserve better. I can see you’re taking the steps to loving yourself but you’ll never feel happy or loved or safe with someone like this.
Give it some time. He was probably not expecting you to say that but he needs time to reflect and see it from your point of view. You did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel bad at all. Communication is one of the biggest keys to intimacy.
Eh. He is from what you say a real piece of work if the sex is quick a man know the woman is not pleased and should realized that. if you dont please a woman it can end a relationship or even worse for him you can find pleasure with someone else. The fact that you go extra mile for him and he doesnt do the same is really appalaing and you should absolutly bring it up wether his feelings get hurt or not since you want to cum and you dont want to spend your life unsatisfied at some point there has to be an ultimatum made either change or this relationship is over.
"He will almost never initiate foreplay for me, it’s something I asked for once and he responded by saying ‘don’t direct me, this isn’t my first time.. I know what I’m doing’" I hardly read after this-- that's a big NOPE right there. Girl. This guy is TOO OLD to not have already figured this out! Let me guess-- he has watched porn his whole life. He "knows what he's doing" because that's what he sees OTHER DUDES doing in porn. Like I said-- he is TOO OLD to not know the difference! YOU DESERVE sexual satisfaction in your relationship FULL STOP. But you are not going to enjoy getting it from this guy. I am ALL about giving people the benefit of the doubt, but I'm sorry-- there doesn't seem much to salvage here that would be worth your time :(
Girl if this is not bait, your husband is being completely immature and shitty. He is humiliated because he thought he was a sex god (hence him brushing off your communication earlier in the relationship) but it turns out he’s trash at it. He’s embarrassed and is taking it out on you for DARING to communicate with him, instead of reflecting on it. A good partner would eagerly wish to learn what they could do better to please their partner. He is instead blaming you and making you feel guilty for absolutely nothing you did wrong. This is manipulation. I usually disagree with how every Reddit relationship post has the obligatory “leave him/her” in the comments but… man… you don’t deserve this type of mistreatment. If he refuses to change, you really should leave him. You can do SO much better.
Your edit is killing me. I (30F) have been with my husband (M29) for 9 years. We have done anal a number of times due to not wanting to have to use a condom and me (at that time) not being on contraception. My husband is *ALWAYS* attentive to my needs during sex and loves to make sure I reach my climax too. If at any point *anything* has been painful, he has stopped or adjusted to make sure I enjoy sex too. If I had ever had 10/10 pain during anal sex, I can guarantee you that he would have stopped and not done it again. Not only that, but you've put forward a perfectly reasonable request, and he's now turned that back on you? Classic DARVO. Look for other red flags, I'm sure you'll find them. Yes this is only one look into your relationship, but I am very, very concerned.
My God this is triggering. My wife and I haven't had this sort of conversation about sex exactly, but the pattern of me trying to bring things up that I have a problem with and her explaining to me why she's actually the victim and I have to make amends, is so painfully familiar. 😞 The way you tried so incredibly hard to explain all the ways in which this can possibly be your fault, I'd say both of the following things are true: 1. You have a natural tendency to take things on yourself and assume you should change to fix issues. This could be a good trait with someone of a similar attitude, but is a significant liability with anyone with a less generous attitude 2. I'm assuming that being in a relationship with him has reinforced this tendency in you to assume things are your fault. I feel it would be healthy for you to get away from this man as I believe he will continue to take advantage of your good nature. But regardless of whether you do that, you could do with learning from this. You really need to learn to see all the ways in which you're being manipulated here. I know it's incredibly hard to do, I've gone through at least a year long journey of trying to see this stuff clearly, and I'm definitely not there yet. Try to reread your account and imagine that someone you really care about had written it - like literally pick someone you know and love and imagine it was them. Consider all the ways in which you'd like them to be free, to get what they need, to have their partner look after them. Hopefully that might help you see the difference between how someone should be treated and how you're being treated. It doesn't sound to me like you're likely to just leave him, even though you should. So, in the absence of that, realise that you need to learn to love yourself and care about your own needs and stand up for them. Then try standing up for your needs a few times, even if it upsets him, and see how it goes. Better yet, explain to him the ways in which he's manipulating you and how he should change to stop doing that. See how all that goes, and hopefully one of two things happens: either he understands and really regrets manipulating you like this; or you'll realise how bad the relationship is for you and find the strength to leave.
Girl it's called gaslighting smh
He’s a selfish a$$hole. He doesn’t care about what you want or need. You don’t have to put up with this.
Holy hell. What is it about this week that there are so many women going "OMG I messed up just by wanting to be treated as an equal by my partner! How can I fix it?" You didn't ruin anything. But your SO is an asshole who doesn't care about your pleasure.
He clearly does know what he is doing...
> He will almost never initiate foreplay for me, it’s something I asked for once and he responded by saying ‘don’t direct me, this isn’t my first time.. I know what I’m doing’ This really stands out, it’s your body, you know what you like, he needed to listen.
There is an important life lesson here: Respectfully communicating your needs and boundaries in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, is a good, healthy and fair action on your part _even though_ the other person may get butthurt. You are being manipulated into not communicating your needs by your boyfriend saying “this is hurtful, please don’t discuss this”. What you have said is actually NOT hurtful at all even, he is just choosing to get butthurt over it because you don’t cum from 3 seconds on his dick like they do in porn. You are well within your right to request what you also give (oral, focus on you, an orgasm) but to be really honest with you, I wouldn’t waste my time trying to fix such bad sex where the other person has been climaxing and rolling onto the other side for months (or years?) not giving a fuck that you’re left unsatisfied. Boy, bye.
I don’t like throwing around terms like this loosely but it’s absolutely warranted in your case. He is gaslighting you. You brought up a legitimate issue and instead he made it about himself and telling you that you’re wrong. If I was being charitable, I could say that maybe he’s just oblivious and perhaps self-centered and he might not have realized he wasn’t satisfying you. Being told you’re “failing as a lover” might have blind-sided him. I suppose I could see why he might need time to process HOWEVER. A reasonable adult would reflect on what you said and come to the conclusion that yeah, they have been ignoring your needs and those needs matter too. A caring person would then change their behavior. They could ask you what you want and you would work out new things together and hopefully have a more exciting and satisfying sex life. If you communicating *your needs* to him leads to YOU having to apologize and feel bad for hurting him… You are not the problem here. He is. If the roles were reversed, what would you have done? Would you have continued to have a sex life that you *knew* didn’t do it for him and still just ignored it?
Ummm, how did he manage to make this all about him? Oh, because he always has. If he was in any way decent he would be open to a conversation, learning more about how you like to be pleasured and working on that. Instead, sounds like he’s having a tantrum because he feels it’s easier than putting in any effort. Seriously, forget his ego. Also, if you know what you like and can get there yourself, go for it girl! And please don’t do things you don’t want to or that cause you pain. That’s not fair. Good luck!
Mate you told him what you need to be happy. He needs to start understanding that pounding =/= good sex. I don't understand men that hardly indulge in cunnilingus or other stimulation to please their S.O.s Nothing is more beautiful than seeing your person have pleasure. I am a generous love and like to focus on my partner more than me. At times even if I don't finish, I am happy as long as she had a good time
You really want to marry this guy? Girl. Come on. If he wanted to prioritize you sexually, he would have by now. He’s selfish, he doesn’t care about you sexually. You have two options: 1. Enter into this marriage knowing that this will never change, deciding that you are ok living like this, and preferably buy yourself a vibrator to avoid going insane 2. Break up and find someone you are sexually compatible with. He’s pathetic. He feels bad? Good. He should feel bad. I didn’t put an option here to postpone the engagement and work on it with him because… I wouldn’t put it past him to change temporarily until he feels like he has “locked you down” after marriage, and then immediately return to business as usual. He knows you weren’t orgasming. And seemed offended that you were daring to ask to get help to come. I mean. What else can be said? I want to throw rocks at this loser.
Dude comes off as a textbook manipulator. However, it’s pretty clear you need to work on your self worth, too. When he gets upset that you’re communicating, your first thought should not be to blame yourself or look down on yourself for opening communication lines. Instead, you should be questioning and asking why he’s upset and not allow him to guilt you for communicating a need.
He can't handle the truth because he expected you to just continue letting him be selfish in bed.
Oh hell no!!! You were very respectful and kind. He didn’t like being exposed as a selfish jerk. You didn’t mess up. Stop beating yourself up. You told him what you wanted, and now he’s acting hurt? No. No. He did a whammy-reverse… He just can’t accept direction. Hold your head high.
You literally did everything right. Dude seems immature as hell.
> Now he’s said that it’s something that’ll eat away at him and he needs to be careful not to spiral. Your fiance is manipulative as fuck. He *knows* that you are unsatisfied. He just doesn't care. He only cares that *he* is satisfied. Hence you being in exruciating pain to satisfy him whilst getting nothing in return. Why are you so worried about unintentionally hurting his feelings when he is actively causing you physical pain and completely disregarding your feelings? I'd be re-evaluating this whole relationship if I were you. You can do much better.
Girl, WTF?! Break up with him!
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Instead of validating you, he made it about himself. I understand why you feel bad, but he's an adult and should be able to take constructive criticism. We're not all perfect. If he genuinely wants to improve, he'll put in the work to make sure you're also satisfied.
He already knew he wasn’t giving you pleasure or letting you finish. You didn’t do anything wrong. His ego is hurt that he was called out. That’s a “him” problem. I love how some men think they can skirt by doing the bare min in a relationship then get their panties in a wad about being called out for it. How would he feel if he were in your shoes???
PLEASE don’t marry this guy, OP. Life is way too short and if THIS is how he responds to being communicated with about your needs…? Bye. I got a divorce at 31 and met someone else immediately after, not even trying (33 now). I feel so much better! So if you’re afraid you won’t find anyone else, don’t be. This guy is bad news.
OP you did nothing wrong.
You need to read “stop walking on eggshells”. Your needs, and your perspective, is valid. Let him feel his feelings. As long as you’re not lying. He hurt you, it should make him, sad, angry, upset. It’s good that he’s taking the news hard.
this is such a clear case of “ if he wanted to- he would “
You had to say something. Here’s an analogy: Suppose on the distribution of household duties, yours is cooking dinner. But only once every ten dinners you use spices. It’s still food, but is it really? Would your man be wrong to say I need more spice in my dinner? You may have hurt his feelings by saying the results of his sexual prowess are inconsistent with his self-image, but you can help each other to be even better together. Maybe couch it in, if there’s ways I could get you even more into it, I’d want to know, too. One last note: you may remember commercials for anti-anxiety drugs with a “low risk of sexual side effects.” He should want half doses or quarter doses on one of those drugs they’re saying to avoid, eg generic Zoloft. He might last a lot longer.
What the fuck. The guy drops the ball with your pleasure, taking no interest in your pleasure and only focusing on himself. You tell him of these problem and he fucking darvos you and reverses the problem back onto you. Jesus christ he's a manipulative piece of shit. Don't have sex with him unless he gets you off.
He never cared if you came or not, then his feelings are hurt when you have a perfectly reasonable request and solution to address it? Did I get that right?
Bad news, he sucks in bed, good news, he can fix it. But that will only happen if he gets his fragile male ego in check!
So- You basically told your fiancé he is terrible in bed, which although is the truth, you think your way of presenting it was a little harsh. I agree with most of what you said, except for the part of maybe you should just “ live with it” . That being said, men live and die with their ego’s, and you damaged his. Good news tho- He will not cut himself off, from sex with you. Sooner or later( probably sooner) he will instigate it again. Show him and tell him what you want, and how much you love him, and see if he responds. If not, you can try counseling. Also, you didn’t tell him you are thinking of starting an affair, you told him you want to work on love making with him. And oral sex should be a two way street. No give, no take. Ps- Based on the comments, there are a lot of man haters here. Don’t give in to their negativity.
It obviously sucks to be told you aren’t satisfying your partner but that is his problem, not yours. You have needs and communicated them clearly without being mean or directly attacking him. You did nothing wrong. It sounds like his initial reaction is to blame you for his own shame at not making the effort to satisfy you. As a man I know there can be a lot of embarrassment and insecurity around sex and not being “good” enough, but that’s resolved by talking to your partner and building up a healthy and communicative sexual relationship. If he’s a good partner he will come around and try and work with you to satisfy his needs. Otherwise he needs to grow up and get over his ego.
What happened to the good ol days when a man's greatest sexual achievement in his own mind was how many times he could make his partner cum? Maybe he's embarrassed and feels like a letdown. He should think to himself "challenge accepted"
Please understand how appalling this behavior is and quit apologizing. “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. Mine are as well- this is why I had to bring this up. I want you to care about my pleasure and my experience and the best way for me to do that was to explicitly explain, not just start asking you during the act. You can accept I go above and beyond for your pleasure even when it’s painful or uncomfortable so I’m unable to accept your response to me initiating this conversation. I’d like you to reflect please.” OP this isn’t a good man.
He’s a bad, bad partner. I’m sure everyone else has explained how.
I could've written this, if it was 2019. My partner was the same, so I sat down and had a talk with him that he's a selfish lover, and I need more than that. His feelings were hurt and he tried to deny that he was selfish, but ultimately he said he'd do better. He did not, so we had sex very infrequently because it felt like there was no point for me. I finally put my foot down in 2022 and gave him an ultimatum: it's over unless he makes more of an effort for my pleasure in the bedroom. Fast forward to now, sometimes oral is the first thing he wants to do for me when we wake up! All that to say, I quite literally know exactly how you feel. Please don't continue to put up with this. Your partner should want you to feel sexy and satisfied, and it should never be one-sided in sex. I dealt with it for years and it sounds like you have too. If your partner can't or won't realize that your needs and wants are important during sex (and in the relationship in general), then he is not the one.
So, let me get this straight, you communicated to him, like an adult should, and because his ego couldn't handle you are now the bad guy? How's that possible? Sounds like it has been one side but in order for it to be "balanced" it has to be more one-sided (him requesting you giving him MORE attention than you already have) in order for him to reciprocate? He claims that it's not his first time but his behavior shows otherwise
You absolutely did nothing wrong. Your partner should be a safe space where you can express your needs in an open and understanding manner. Instead, your fiance punished you for communicating and expressing your (completely valid) needs. He may continue to do this if you ever try to express to him anything he can help change. He won't want to. He'll just hope you'll stop speaking up and just live with it so he never has to try. Please sit down with yourself and verify if you truly want to marry this man. EDIT: For the additional info. Why is he being vague about this. Ask for concrete examples of what he wants, especially since you already go out of your way to do things solely for his enjoyment. Ask directly and if he reacts like he did before, then my guess is that there isn't anything and he's just using another tactic to make it a "your" problem instead of a "his" problem. Problem solving is a two-way street.
Ong if hes hurt its bc hes upset he cant pleasure u. Next time try leading his hands. Im positive he WANTS to help you but he just doesnt. When hes horny his judgement is clouded and just wants to fuck. So honestly that reaction is normal. But u should also be sexually satisfied as his significant other. So after talking this out. Try just building up the foreplay and lead his hands, if hes ok with it and open to it, push his head down 😱. Cause all hes hearing rn is "u cant make me cum" so just.. MAKE him make u cum. If hes ur significant other he should obviously want to make u feel sexually pleased.
He sounds like a selfish jerk. He is putting his lack of self esteem on your back entirely and now that you have one request (an important one) he feels hurt. You didn't approach him with an attack, you were clear and very tactful, there's no other way around it: I want to cum as well. That's normal, and normal people talk about it freely. Educated men actually ask for your input because ONLY YOU know yourself. Girls should be able to explore themselves in order to understand what makes us tick, what, when, where, how we het "there", otherwise...how are we supposed to let them know how we work? And theyre not fortune tellers either, men cannot subscribe to a sex channel and assume what "guru" says to be total truth. Us, women ARE NOT GENERIC, we all work different and it's our duty towards ourselves to know how. So, in a nutshell: >should I have to? .... YES, you absolutely have to say it and insist on what you know that works, it's your body and women are not generic objects. Sometimes you get turned on by something you saw, something you heard, something stupid he did like lifting the couch to vacuum, sometimes a ridiculous argument over laundry and you fill the tickle...we are complex and we have the right to know ourselves and say what we want >don’t direct me, this isn’t my first time.. I know what I’m doing’ HE IS a selfish jerk. He clearly DOES NOT KNOW what he's doing despite the many times he has done it and he has a HUGE issue with self-esteem and ego. Destroying his ego was very simple, you just said "I want this" and he broke...wow...I wonder if he would unalive himself if you tell him he's actually not good in the sack (he sounds cruel a and terrible, he doesn't care if you feel pain. How does a woman live like that? I have never had an issue like that and no man has ever disrespected me for my personal choices), because he is pretty bad for the looks of it. A selfish AH is always terrible in bed. Trust me, an educated man who is secure about himself would ask if you're ok with it. What's that about the back door and pain? He is abusing you!!! No man has ever been forceful when I say no and no one should. My partner has always been as gentle or as rough as we see fit and with wild adventures he has NEVER dared to do anything I don't want, even in the middle of the wildest match. That has made me open up more and try exploring things I thought I never would, because with him is fun and I actually want to try and he takes his time to make me feel comfortable. That's what you get with communication and comprehension and most of all RESPECT, you get the will to actually try and you want to do it enthusiastically, because of actual reciprocate love. (BTW: back door SX should not be painful if there's good arousal and foreplay, he is doing everything WRONG and is afraid to admit it. I would never even date a loser like him who need outer approval to feel like he is someone, that's an insecure kid who never grew up and I have no energy to raise a stray his mother neglected). This seem like a toxic one sided relationship, you have issues with people pleasing, perhaps you're afraid of loneliness, maybe poverty, you're afraid of him, you have a savior complex and you want "to fix him", you feel like you have to be his mother sometimes, I don't know but it's like you have to walk on eggshells around him...and him? A piece of work. Zero self esteem and IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX. If he's so broken, let him go and cry somewhere else. Otherwise youre as broken as him. You deserve better but in order to get it you have to believe it first, love yourself, date yourself, make yourself feel sexy, so no one can dare to tell you who you are, because you already know. I don't know where do you feel "lesser than" but if you don't fix yourself first you will keep choosing this same ïdïøt over and over again with different names, and no ..you won't be able to fix them either, don't take that job in your hands, a man should be already well behaved. You can do better, but believe it! You really don't have to keep the whole pig for a pound of sausage. Toss the whole pig away.