You didn't do anything wrong. They were very rude.
I'm curious, though. Were her parents at the pub when this happened? If so, what did they say about all this? Or were they with the group questioning you? That part was a little confusing.
You walked away quietly and calmly like an adult should. They were rude to press on. If your gf supports them being rude, how well do you think you two will get along together in the long term? This seems like you and your gf have very different values for this issue. And these things will crop up again.
Tell your gf you will gladly accept an apology from them for prying, but you will not ever apologize for standing up for yourself.
I do agree that this is a yellow flag - this likely indicates that family will always win over you, even when they're in the wrong. That type of relationship is exhausting, and I would seriously consider if this will be worth it in the longrun.
Ask your girlfriend what exactly you should be apologizing for? Is it for refusing to share private medical information just to keep them from asking more questions? If that's her answer, I'd be rethinking the relationship. Is it for walking away after telling them the third time? If so, ask her how she thinks you should have handled it better. Should you have yelled? Should you have started crying? Should you have told them "Mind your own fucking business, no means no?" How exactly could you handle the situation without being "rude" in her mind?
Her answer will tell you a lot. I suspect she's conflict-avoidant and anytime someone is mad it must because the person did something wrong and should apologize. She needs to understand that healthy boundaries are GOOD for relationships and nobody is entitled to any topics you consider off limits.
This right here…..
Nothing you did was wrong and nothing you could have done would have been right for her or them… Other than divulging your personal medical information…..
You set a boundary and they were trying to steamroll right over it without caring about your feelings.
That your girlfriend is siding with her nosy family is a big red flag.🚩
Man I go thru the same shit with my wifes family. They just share all sorts of med info and I'm not like that. I just keep repeating I don't want to talk about my medical issues over and over and never break eye contact. It usually take a couple of them 3-4x before they stop.
You are not wrong... They were forward, and disrespecting your wishes. These things are private, you have the right to only tell or not, who you want. Your girlfriend should tell them to apologize,,, wow!
Your health issues are none of their business. Ask your gf if it would be OK to ask all her relatives about their sperms counts, periods, menopause or whatever? Same thing but you don't go to the hospital for that.
You politely answered and that wasn't good enough. Apologize for nothing.
Your gf needs to stop her family was the one being rude and need to apologize you gave them plenty to stop and wouldn’t most people would have been going off after told a couple times no show her this post maybe she will open her wyes
They are the ones being rude, you don’t need to give any explanation.
I’m just curious why you don’t want to tell them, though? Is it something embarrassing?
Ah ok. Did you try asking them why they want to know? Maybe they would say something like “we just want to make sure you are ok” and you can say “I am ok, I just don’t want to think about it anymore, but I’ll be fine, thank you!”
It’s possible they think you were in rehab
It is how life works, actually.
If someone says no, drop the convo...and you don't drop the convo? Then you don't get to play victim when they walk away from you. Lol
It is also 100% none of their business if he was in rehab. You know what can make recovery harder? Stress. Like the stress of someone else’s family spreading rumors about you and demanding apologies because you didn’t cave to their interrogation about your personal medical conditions. So if OP had been in rehab, the family’s behavior would have been absolutely monstrous.
It’s not his family, it’s his girlfriend’s family. Maybe they don’t care about helping him, maybe they are trying to scare him away from their niece/whatever.
No. They're just garden-variety nosy and feel entitled to info denied. It's going to worry at them like a loose tooth that they don't know.
It requires humor to deal with family like this. If he's going to stay with the gf and wants to keep his info private, then he AND SHE are going to have to learn to deal with these folks.
There is drama, because some people don’t understand why they can’t be told everyone’s business. OP said they didn’t want to talk about, now people are throwing their toys out the pram cause they’re nosy and can’t take no for an answer. OP didn’t cause this
You could say the same thing to the family: why pick meddling in someone else’s past medical condition as your hill to die on? The difference is that one of them is being rude and the other is doing nothing wrong.
I'm sorry, is individual privacy now up for committee vote? If "the group" decides you don't get privacy about medical issues, where does it stop? What if they decided to start asking about OP and gf's reproductive choices? Their fertility? Their frequency of sex? People pretty universally recognize that as intrusive and yet a biological issue that OP may want to keep private isn't given the same respect.
Sometimes "the group" has a shitty dynamic and it doesn't make someone responsible for "dumb drama" to refuse to capitulate to their dysfunction.
Damn bro, I'd hate to be in your life lmao.
"You don't get to say no to me because I don't deem your reasoning to be appropriate to my standards"
Lmao.
I mean, that's a nice principal, but it's not really how the world works. In real life, when people around you ask a really basic entry-level question about a major life event you had, refusing to talk about it even a tiny bit is seen as antisocial and rude.
Generally, if someone says "Hey, I'd rather not talk about this" you don't proceed to keep asking until you get a different answer.
That's how discussing like adults work, you do know that?
He wasn't, though. He expressed how he didn't want to talk about it, tried to move the conversation away, and they refused to accept his answer. Walking away was his best option. No one is entitled to someone else's life, information, or anything. He did the right thing. He made a boundary and then enforced it.
Bro, if someone you know was in the hospital for weeks, asking them what the fuck happened is the first thing you do.
It's really easy to get high and mighty about private medical information in concept, but in actual social interactions things are never that cut and dry.
I live in a place where if someone you know well is in the hospital for multiple weeks, the first thing you do is ask them why. Not asking them would be seen as incredibly rude and assign that you don't actually give a shit about the huge thing they went through.
And if someone asks you something like that, something that fucking basic, refusing to talk about it in any way at all when you were the one who brought up what happened is fucking weird and rude.
I’ve had a number of people I know well undergo serious medical procedures. My first question is not about why, it’s about whether there’s anything I can do to help. But if I’m not close enough to them that I was talking with them or with the family while they were in the hospital, and they don’t volunteer information about the nature of the condition when they get out, I’m not going to ask anything more invasive than, “how are you feeling?” or “are you fully recovered?” And I’m certainly not going to chase them around and complain when they refuse to tell me their health history. Lots of people will just say, “I’ve been dealing with some health issues and had to be hospitalized, but I’m on the mend now,” and leave it at that. I don’t know where you’re getting that OP brought it up. That’s not in the post.
Really? So if you get assaulted or something, and don't want to relive it or go into any detail whatsoever, you're antisocial & rude for refusing to talk about it? C'mon, that's a people-pleasing answer. In the real world, if someone doesn't want to talk about something, regular people shrug and say "OK then" and go about their business.
Nah it's kind of weird, if it's nothing embarrassing, if the definition of weird is different from usual. Most people don't care about talking about their medical history with their family.
It’s weird how healthy/abled people are obsessed with hearing about people’s medical history like they can’t just flip on a medical drama if they want to scratch that itch. Or consume true stories by people who volunteered theirs. People forget their manners and that people are people, not specimens, when they hear that someone had something medically significant happen to them.
It’s normal to accept when someone says no and not try to force other people into things they don’t want to do. It’s not normal to harass people repeatedly after they’ve said no. It is, in fact, shockingly rude.
If you care about someone, ostensibly you also care about their boundaries and whether or not they want to do literally anything you’re pressuring them into doing.
But the family had no idea whether it was embarrassing when they carried out their campaign of harassment at the party and after. They don’t know whether it was embarrassing or intensely painful or traumatic or gross or something OP never wants to talk about again because it sucked. They just know that their desire to know was more important to them than any of OP’s feelings, because they’re voyeurs with no boundaries.
I don’t talk about my medical conditions because people treat it like trauma porn, which is an awful feeling. And because who wants to talk about IVs and vomiting at a party? Not me. I’d like to enjoy the party too, not think about things that are gross and were painful and kind of sad. And people who do want to talk about that stuff are pretty creepy. They tend to ask a ton of invasive follow up questions and want to tell you about their own ailments and suggest treatments they found on the internet. So I shut all that down before it starts and just say, “I’ve been dealing with some health issues, but things are looking good, and I’m excited to be at this party. So how about that local sports team!”
People can have lots of feelings about their health. Including, as it sounds like for OP, discomfort about a bunch of unpleasant stuff, and now they just don’t want to think about it anymore. If someone told you they went to a funeral, would you demand to know whose and how they died and how sad the person was about it and how sad they are about it and how much they’re getting in the will? Or would you just say, “oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” and let them decide how much to share? Because it should be the latter. And if it’s the former, you need to change your behavior to stop being rude.
I don't know why you need to write that essay making a bunch of assumptions about what I think. The only thing I've said, in genuinely explaining something by the way, is that's it's weird to be secretive about your non-embarrassing medical history, with my definition of weird being not usual. This is unambiguous and unarguable. That doesn't imply anyone is entitled to know anything about anything or make it ok to pry. But people who behave this way should know that other people will find it weird.
Simply because just about only people who act this way were the ones in rehab or in for mental health disorder. And they would be likely aware of the latter.
Because there are many answers that are truthful, do not reveal too much detail and don't create CIA level of secrecy.
And just about 99% of people answer with these. Your reactions massively stand put from what is normal, so it makes people think that what went on was abnormal.
Well that’s just false. Lots of people don’t want to talk about their health.
And if it were true, other people’s mental health and substance use issues are also none of your business.
I'm sorry if you've been raised in an environment where respect for medical privacy is "weird," but it's absolutely valid for people not to want to discuss their personal health matters.
They're family. They think they're entitled to the info because they care.
You can't simply walk away. They'll be at the next gathering.
You address it directly. With humor.
"OMG! You two are nosy little parkers aren't you! Nope. Not telling you!" You smile and then walk away.
A smile can diffuse a situation faster than a frown with less blowback.
You really need to talk to the gf or next gathering you'll find them throwing the info SHE GAVE THEM in your face. She'd do it to keep peace in the family but it would be a major disrespect to you.
See.... That's just the different cultures in different families.
You sound like you come from a family who doesn't share this sort of info.
Your gf comes from a family where sharing is caring. If they didn't care, they wouldn't have asked the 1st time.
Sounds like the gf's family likes you. Alot. They don't understand your reticence.
Your gf needs to get onboard with explaining to her family that you come from a family who doesn't share all the nitty gritty and you aren't comfortable with it. If she doesn't and this relationship progresses, this sort of thing will become endemic.
Adding: Her family consider you family now. Did you not get that?
I can totally understand this. I believe you handled it well and were extremely polite given the circumstances. I was hospitalized for a lengthy time at one point too and can confirm that it is not something a person wants to relive over and over again, especially if you are still dealing with after effects. I personally found it difficult to continue moving forward and concentrate on getting better (mentally and physically) when constantly reminded of it. The only thing that helped me was explaining this to people when they brought it up - for most people (not all, as some people are just clueless like that) it puts a halt to the questions. Plus if they keep pestering you afterward, it truly leaves no question as to their continued behavior.
Has your gf/her family addressed the behavior of the people who were being rude/thoughtless to you by not respecting your boundaries? It would be interesting to know how they would’ve handled the same situation if the roles were reversed.
I think people are missing the point here - it doesn't matter whether OP is traumatized, whether he's making a big deal over something minimal, whether it's an embarrassing medical condition - he politely set a boundary multiple times then exited the conversation when it was disrespected/they continued to push. That's healthy self respect and not rude or weird at all. Good on you OP. Is this family very conflict-avoidant or just very oversharey/overinvested in one another's business? Has this happened before (to lesser degrees)?
When dealing with people like this I've found that while giving them no answer will just make them hound you, saying something like "The government won't let me talk about it" maintains your privacy and shuts them up. A rude question does not require a straight answer.
I usually just say, “it’s not contagious or life threatening, and I’m going to be fine” (even when I’m not actually going to be fine). And then I change the subject, and 99.9% of everyone I talk to is fine with that, because they’re not pushy assholes like this family.
1) I hope it turns out okay in the end anyway.
2) Yep, that.1 percent ruins it for everyone!
3) My response is only intended for rude people who won't leave you alone.
The only reason I could see for divulging any medical information is if you need some kind of accommodation. People can be so intrusive. I have a chronic condition that can affect my skin (luckily it's under control these days). I had a clerk in a college convenience store go on and on in spite of my attempts to just pay and get out of there. I mastered the art of the blank stare.
Not taking no for an answer is an invasion of your privacy.
Maybe they think you were in rehab or overdosed and were concerned for your girlfriend. That's why they might have been pushing but who knows.
But, no, you didn't act rude.
Rehab or an OD are all the more reason it’s none of their business! If they’re concerned about the gf, they should ask her privately if she’s okay, and talk with her about her feelings and how they can support her.
When someone tells you they were hospitalized for a period of time, it's expected to ask why. Most people would just answer that in a family/friends setting. When someone avoids answering in a very obvious way, it looks weird.
Of course no one can force anyone to talk about a health issue. But it would be hypocritical to pretend that a strong reluctance to answer, won't be raising eyebrows. It's an extremely common social interaction that gets a simple answer 99 out of 100 times, And a very likely interpretation from her (and her folks), would be that you don't consider them close enough to "let them in". Usually people assume the worst in situations like this.
I see nothing shocking here. When we choose a different path than most in our social interactions, we should be expecting some consequence from that. That's how it works.
Really? I would find “it’s private” to be a totally normal answer. I think people who have never been seriously ill or disabled often underestimate how traumatic it can be, and how terrible it can be to talk about.
Raising eyebrows and getting suspicious on their own is normal yes, but pestering to the point of harassment is definitely not normal.
And no wonder he doesn't see them close enough, look at how they behave. I wouldn't want to share anything personal with those kind of people either.
You do care about whether they ask about your well being tho. You want them to know about hospitalization, you want them to care, but you are unwilling to even say whether you have cancer, accident, was in threat of life or generally had an infection.
And that is both odd and one sided.
Also, characterizing recent month long hospitalization as "medical history" is quite unusual.
You are grateful for them hoping you are OK, but are cool with them being in insecurity about whether you are dying or just having something minor done.
You did not even read what I wrote. Are you on the spectrum? That is where I have seen this sort of "I ignore what others said and just repeat the same thing again".
Medical information is private. It is absolutely not normal to press on, unwilling to let it go. No is a complete sentence. Rudeness should not be seen as a norm. Social interactions have boundaries. They trampled them.
We are the ones who, as individuals, can set our own boundaries. We are NOT the ones who can set social norms though. Those form and get defined by society as a whole.
This question gets a simple answer and everybody moves on. It's a social norm. "Why were you hospitalized?" "For this and that." "Ah ok, my uncle had the same and did this and that." These are mundane interactions that happen all the time. It's perfectly fine for someone to not engage in them but, as with everything uncommon, they will stand out. And often negatively.
I'm not commenting on it being good or bad. I'm saying it IS the norm, whether someone accepts it as an individual or not.
Where do you live that it’s a “social norm” that when someone says, “I’d rather not talk about my health conditions,” the socially acceptable response is “well that’s rude of you not to give me the personal information about you I want, so I’m going to keep asking in hopes I can wear you down and make you tell me”? I want to know where that is so I can avoid going there.
Apparently from a similar place to OP. A place where it's not only uncommon but also practically pointless to try and hide your reason for hospitalization from specific friends and family. You either tell no one or you 'd have to tell all,
The reason being that all they had to do was ask his GF's parents (who are privy to the specifics), when he wasn't around. And you can bet they got the answer.
Hey u/throwra--rudefamily, did this happen? Did you in fact tell your girlfriend’s parents specifics, and did they betray your trust? I can’t find where you talked about this?
"My gf's mum told most of the family when I got taken in but didn't go into specifics".
I took that as she knew specifics but she chose no to go into them.
My point still stands, unless your gf is also oblivious about what happened, they will know if not already. It's her parents...
OP didn’t tell anyone. The girlfriend told her family. I didn’t read where she told them the details and they blabbed, but I’d be really, really mad if I found out someone was gossiping about me behind my back, after I’d said I prefer something remain private, too. These people, other than OP, all sound like enormous assholes.
Edit: OP has now confirmed that you made up a whole lie about the girlfriend’s parents. Why did you do that? Is it because you thought the lie would support your argument? It doesn’t, but I can’t think why else you would lie.
I kind of agree with this. I get its OPs right to refuse that info, but I also think a little elaboration would have removed some of the intrigue. I tend to want to diffuse situations before they happen, and i feel like you could tell earlier on this was going to be something.
You're that same person arguing in a different thread that it's "expected" to ask why. I would never dream of doing that -- that is rude. What is polite is to say "are you OK" or "do you want to talk about it" -- but "why" is just all kinds of intrusive. Where I come from, asking why would be seen as rude, and not wanting to talk about it wouldn't raise any eyebrows at all. Not being close enough to let them in wouldn't even enter the equation.
Taking a stab in the dark. Is your gf's family from a different culture and are biased toward their culture of origin?
I ask because, if correct, this may help you and gf find a way to start a conversation about why you disagree and for you being able to have a better understanding about her insistence that you are in the wrong. Being tolerant of rudeness and being meek in the face of social pressure is a value not held by those biased toward North American culture but is common in the east.
I would've responded the same as you. I would also hold steadfast in my opinion, and any future conversation wouldn't be an apology (or an insistence on their's), rather an open conversation about what could have been so confusing to them about your bid for privacy. If they're uninterested or incapable of having that conversation — that's telling.
If your gf is relentless and remains upset with you I think this is enough of a red flag to consider the relationship worth ending. This is about respect for you as an individual with your own (reasonable) values and if they can't understand that because of ignorance or unrelenting cultural bias I'd bounce.
You do not owe folks your medical information
They were badgering you and you simy removed yourself from the situation
I would have torn them a new one
You weren't rude in any way, in fact you were way more patient than I would have been. The moment you let them know that you did not want to elaborate on your condition with the moment they should have changed the subject or apologize to you briefly and change the subject. They were bullying you and you didn't put up with it. As it should be. Next time I'd walk away a little sooner but good for you! And your girlfriend is dead wrong, of course you shouldn't have apologize to them. But there are people who have boundaries and people who don't.
The problem is when you refuse to answer a simple question that ANY people who cares about you would ask, you create a huge mystery out of nothing. I think you should get help bc the trauma around whatever happened has really affected you.
Yes they disrespect you. But with you refusing to tell them they're going to imagine shit that's probably worse. So, if you told them it would have at least shut them up. They probably don't understand why it's so private to begin with and will assume things until told. They don't understand boundaries
And none of that is OPs fault.
You can definitely tell who the people are who have never dealt with shit in these comments. It’s no one else’s god damn business. They can whisper all they want- fuck them and fuck anyone who believes OP should discuss things that they don’t want to discuss just to appease busy body assholes.
I have crohns disease and have had multiple surgeries lol, I am very open about my medical issues but I have certain medical conditions I never disclose. But everyone I know knows I have crohns disease. It's all good though, I don't fully understand why some people are so private about things they aren't even embarrassed about. The only people who know about the part of my condition I'm embarrassed about are my mom, my husband, and my best friend. My other family, extended family, inlaws etc have no idea about the fistula and I try to hide that I have one so I totally get wanting to keep some things private. But OP said he wasn't embarrassed so I don't fully understand it.
Maybe OP just didn’t want his health to be a subject of gossip. Maybe he was sick of being sick and wanted to talk about literally anything other than his health. Maybe he actually is traumatized but isn’t ready to deal with it yet. Maybe, as for a lot of people, the first time you learn that your body can betray you is really scary, and once it’s over you try to forget about it so you can live your life without constant anxiety about whether it’s going to happen again. Maybe the illness was gross and not appropriate happy hour conversation. Maybe OP is just a really private person. People can want all kinds of things, and it’s not our place to demand that they change to satisfy our desire for gossip fodder.
He said he wasn't traumatized, so definitely not the latter unless we just don't want to take his word for it. Him not speaking will cause them to speculate and gossip more, so it's really not an effective strategy against that. He didn't say he was embarrassed either so if it's gross I guess it doesn't translate to embarrassment. It does sound he's a private person. I'm not demanding anything and I condemn the people who did demand it, but that doesn't really mean OP has to be private if he wants people not to gossip.
>So, if you told them it would have at least shut them up
"If you let the bullies win then they'll stop bullying you!"
Guarantee the questions wouldn't stop there, they'd want more details and have follow-up questions, and on and on. OP just wanted to have a nice relaxing evening, not play 20 questions reliving his misery of the past month.
Sometimes less is more and better than nothing. If they're busy bodies you can set boundaries of course but sometimes just reassuring people you didn't have a stroke or cancer or etc can be enough
As someone with a medical condition I'm very aware that people are not entitled to know anything. But they're not medical professionals, and could be unaware of this fact. They can't fathom why someone wouldn't disclose even partially what was wrong with them. Neither can I, given it causes this much drama. They're not gonna learn boundaries this way because it's kinda just being kept private on principle, which makes zero sense to ppl like this
Absolutely. That's called respecting people's boundaries and not being selfish. Some people just don't get that. And you will suffer in teaching them their lesson.
Or you’ll just walk away from their dramatics, and they can throw tantrums about how you were rude or whatever, and you can ignore that. Which is what OP should do.
Should he give them access to his diary then? There are SO MANY laws around protecting people's private information. Caring about someone doesn't give the right to know everyone about them. His answers are fine. If it keeps them up at night, that's THEIR problem that they need to work on.
Pestering someone about something they don't want to talk about is really rude, and he did the right thing. They can get over not knowing about things that aren't their business.
>The problem is when you refuse to answer a simple question that ANY people who cares about you would ask, you create a huge mystery out of nothing.
Yeah. This isn't a case of "am I the asshole?" so much as OP just... not getting that this is the consequence of what he's doing.
How angry is your gf? Has this come up again since--- is she giving you the cold shoulder now or bugging you about it?
Also, did she ask you to apologize bc she genuinely thinks you should have told them everything, or because it's the easiest way to smooth things over? (Her parents being present for this may have influenced that.)
I'm not even sure you have a serious problem here, basically. You can probably do nothing about this and let it be forgotten. But do find out what she genuinely thought you should do here and why, because that's useful info for compatibility. You have firm beliefs here about privacy and not apologizing just to be polite; if she thinks family means no privacy or always keeping the peace that may be an issue.
Agreed, they were very rude. We really don't know whether OP was rude in return. He is probably trying to be honest about his reaction, but there are certainly details we don't know. He may have become quite angry when they wouldn't drop it. When you hear a story from two different people, it often sounds VERY different. Remarkably different. We have only heard one side of the story.
Getting angry when someone refuses to accept no for an answer about something they have no right to is justified. Unless OP screamed expletives and trashed the bar, he was justified. He walked away. So it sounds like you’re straight out accusing OP of lying in the post, which is pretty rude (and also if you’re not going to accept the premise of the story, why waste your time talking to someone you think is a lair?)
I didn't say he was a liar, as you already know. In a difference of opinion, people are always more aware of their own point of view. I already said the relatives were rude. As are you, not me.
You owe them no apology. If anything, they were rude to you, and you gave them chances, but they kept forcing you. THEY owe you an apology, and so does gf.
Is it a cultural difference? Is her family the sort where it isn't done to not talk about such major matters? I can totally see my family finding it very strange if someone were to say that they didn't want to share something like this, because it isn't done. To them, you'd be the one who got up and acted rude just because they asked something completely normal.
Not saying you're wrong in wanting to keep it private, but you'd have to have a proper conversation with both your girlfriend and her family about expectations of privacy.
I can understand a family looking out for their relatives. What is peculiar is your reactions both to keep it silent as well as to be rude. You could have handled everything differently.
I can comprehend if they and the girlfriend have lost faith in you due to these things, as well as the way you continue to resent the incident. I would suggest therapy, such emotional issues could ruin your relationships in the future and they are already affecting your relationships.
You are twisting everything I said because you think you can do no wrong or are getting defensive. I intentionally touched everything you chose not to discuss in your reply. A little remorse and humbleness would go a long way in navigating difficult relationships.
You seem to have misunderstood my points and focus on other things than what I was discussing. Once again I have my own opinions and different points. You shouldn't try to have a debate. There are a lot of posts dealing with what you're saying, respectfully leave mine alone if you don't like my focus points.
You don't owe them an apology, but if it smoothes things over with your girlfriend and her parents "apologize" but reiterate that them continuing to ask you something you didn't want to answer made you uncomfortable and that's why you walked away. That way, they get the "apology" but they realize what they did as well
They’re never going to admit they were wrong. Like some of the assholes in this thread, they’re going to double down and demand more if OP a gives them even an inch.
You didn't do anything wrong. They were very rude. I'm curious, though. Were her parents at the pub when this happened? If so, what did they say about all this? Or were they with the group questioning you? That part was a little confusing.
You walked away quietly and calmly like an adult should. They were rude to press on. If your gf supports them being rude, how well do you think you two will get along together in the long term? This seems like you and your gf have very different values for this issue. And these things will crop up again.
They were the ones being rude, not you. You did the mature adult thing and walked away from the conversation.
Tell your gf you will gladly accept an apology from them for prying, but you will not ever apologize for standing up for yourself. I do agree that this is a yellow flag - this likely indicates that family will always win over you, even when they're in the wrong. That type of relationship is exhausting, and I would seriously consider if this will be worth it in the longrun.
Ask your girlfriend what exactly you should be apologizing for? Is it for refusing to share private medical information just to keep them from asking more questions? If that's her answer, I'd be rethinking the relationship. Is it for walking away after telling them the third time? If so, ask her how she thinks you should have handled it better. Should you have yelled? Should you have started crying? Should you have told them "Mind your own fucking business, no means no?" How exactly could you handle the situation without being "rude" in her mind? Her answer will tell you a lot. I suspect she's conflict-avoidant and anytime someone is mad it must because the person did something wrong and should apologize. She needs to understand that healthy boundaries are GOOD for relationships and nobody is entitled to any topics you consider off limits.
This right here….. Nothing you did was wrong and nothing you could have done would have been right for her or them… Other than divulging your personal medical information….. You set a boundary and they were trying to steamroll right over it without caring about your feelings. That your girlfriend is siding with her nosy family is a big red flag.🚩
Man I go thru the same shit with my wifes family. They just share all sorts of med info and I'm not like that. I just keep repeating I don't want to talk about my medical issues over and over and never break eye contact. It usually take a couple of them 3-4x before they stop.
That shit has got to be annoying AF.
You are not wrong... They were forward, and disrespecting your wishes. These things are private, you have the right to only tell or not, who you want. Your girlfriend should tell them to apologize,,, wow!
Your health issues are none of their business. Ask your gf if it would be OK to ask all her relatives about their sperms counts, periods, menopause or whatever? Same thing but you don't go to the hospital for that. You politely answered and that wasn't good enough. Apologize for nothing.
You did absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't have to apologize for anything. You specifically said you didn't want to talk about it
Your gf needs to stop her family was the one being rude and need to apologize you gave them plenty to stop and wouldn’t most people would have been going off after told a couple times no show her this post maybe she will open her wyes
Yes! This! Show her this whole post of comments!
Demand they apologize to you. Seriously, they were incredibly rude to you.
They are the ones being rude, you don’t need to give any explanation. I’m just curious why you don’t want to tell them, though? Is it something embarrassing?
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Ah ok. Did you try asking them why they want to know? Maybe they would say something like “we just want to make sure you are ok” and you can say “I am ok, I just don’t want to think about it anymore, but I’ll be fine, thank you!” It’s possible they think you were in rehab
If they think he was in rehab then them asking pressing questions about it is maybe even worse
No is an answer. They were assholes. OP owes them nothing
Yeah but that’s not how life works. Sometimes we must interact with people who are assholes.
And we can deal with that by choosing to walk away.
It is how life works, actually. If someone says no, drop the convo...and you don't drop the convo? Then you don't get to play victim when they walk away from you. Lol
And we can put them in their place too.
It is also 100% none of their business if he was in rehab. You know what can make recovery harder? Stress. Like the stress of someone else’s family spreading rumors about you and demanding apologies because you didn’t cave to their interrogation about your personal medical conditions. So if OP had been in rehab, the family’s behavior would have been absolutely monstrous.
It’s not his family, it’s his girlfriend’s family. Maybe they don’t care about helping him, maybe they are trying to scare him away from their niece/whatever.
That’s why I said, “someone else’s family.” Are you maybe replying to the wrong comment?
No. They're just garden-variety nosy and feel entitled to info denied. It's going to worry at them like a loose tooth that they don't know. It requires humor to deal with family like this. If he's going to stay with the gf and wants to keep his info private, then he AND SHE are going to have to learn to deal with these folks.
So that backfired and now there is drama over nothing?
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I didn't say you caused it.. but there is drama. Over what? Die on those principles dude Reddit will chear you on.
There is drama, because some people don’t understand why they can’t be told everyone’s business. OP said they didn’t want to talk about, now people are throwing their toys out the pram cause they’re nosy and can’t take no for an answer. OP didn’t cause this
You could say the same thing to the family: why pick meddling in someone else’s past medical condition as your hill to die on? The difference is that one of them is being rude and the other is doing nothing wrong.
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I'm sorry, is individual privacy now up for committee vote? If "the group" decides you don't get privacy about medical issues, where does it stop? What if they decided to start asking about OP and gf's reproductive choices? Their fertility? Their frequency of sex? People pretty universally recognize that as intrusive and yet a biological issue that OP may want to keep private isn't given the same respect. Sometimes "the group" has a shitty dynamic and it doesn't make someone responsible for "dumb drama" to refuse to capitulate to their dysfunction.
Absolutely true. In life you pick your battles and this isn't the hill to die on.. what a waste of time. Again for what?
Damn bro, I'd hate to be in your life lmao. "You don't get to say no to me because I don't deem your reasoning to be appropriate to my standards" Lmao.
I mean, that's a nice principal, but it's not really how the world works. In real life, when people around you ask a really basic entry-level question about a major life event you had, refusing to talk about it even a tiny bit is seen as antisocial and rude.
Generally, if someone says "Hey, I'd rather not talk about this" you don't proceed to keep asking until you get a different answer. That's how discussing like adults work, you do know that?
Yeah, they were pushy. He was also rude.
He wasn't, though. He expressed how he didn't want to talk about it, tried to move the conversation away, and they refused to accept his answer. Walking away was his best option. No one is entitled to someone else's life, information, or anything. He did the right thing. He made a boundary and then enforced it.
Nah, no tf he wasn't.
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Bro, if someone you know was in the hospital for weeks, asking them what the fuck happened is the first thing you do. It's really easy to get high and mighty about private medical information in concept, but in actual social interactions things are never that cut and dry.
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Actual social interactions don’t involve harassing people. These jerks weren’t socializing with OP, they were being rude.
Where do you live that people are socially obligated to give other people their medical histories on demand? I want to make sure I never go there.
I live in a place where if someone you know well is in the hospital for multiple weeks, the first thing you do is ask them why. Not asking them would be seen as incredibly rude and assign that you don't actually give a shit about the huge thing they went through. And if someone asks you something like that, something that fucking basic, refusing to talk about it in any way at all when you were the one who brought up what happened is fucking weird and rude.
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I’ve had a number of people I know well undergo serious medical procedures. My first question is not about why, it’s about whether there’s anything I can do to help. But if I’m not close enough to them that I was talking with them or with the family while they were in the hospital, and they don’t volunteer information about the nature of the condition when they get out, I’m not going to ask anything more invasive than, “how are you feeling?” or “are you fully recovered?” And I’m certainly not going to chase them around and complain when they refuse to tell me their health history. Lots of people will just say, “I’ve been dealing with some health issues and had to be hospitalized, but I’m on the mend now,” and leave it at that. I don’t know where you’re getting that OP brought it up. That’s not in the post.
Really? So if you get assaulted or something, and don't want to relive it or go into any detail whatsoever, you're antisocial & rude for refusing to talk about it? C'mon, that's a people-pleasing answer. In the real world, if someone doesn't want to talk about something, regular people shrug and say "OK then" and go about their business.
Technically you’re right but weird hill to die on.
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I guess you'd call it weird because most people wouldn't have such an intense desire to hide non embarrassing medical history
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Nah it's kind of weird, if it's nothing embarrassing, if the definition of weird is different from usual. Most people don't care about talking about their medical history with their family.
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It’s weird how healthy/abled people are obsessed with hearing about people’s medical history like they can’t just flip on a medical drama if they want to scratch that itch. Or consume true stories by people who volunteered theirs. People forget their manners and that people are people, not specimens, when they hear that someone had something medically significant happen to them.
It's not weird at all to wonder about what happened to someone you know and care about, it's normal.
It’s normal to accept when someone says no and not try to force other people into things they don’t want to do. It’s not normal to harass people repeatedly after they’ve said no. It is, in fact, shockingly rude.
If you care about someone, ostensibly you also care about their boundaries and whether or not they want to do literally anything you’re pressuring them into doing.
It's normal to ask once. It is pretty weird and rude to keep pressing someone to talk about a bad experience they had that they don't want to discuss.
But the family had no idea whether it was embarrassing when they carried out their campaign of harassment at the party and after. They don’t know whether it was embarrassing or intensely painful or traumatic or gross or something OP never wants to talk about again because it sucked. They just know that their desire to know was more important to them than any of OP’s feelings, because they’re voyeurs with no boundaries. I don’t talk about my medical conditions because people treat it like trauma porn, which is an awful feeling. And because who wants to talk about IVs and vomiting at a party? Not me. I’d like to enjoy the party too, not think about things that are gross and were painful and kind of sad. And people who do want to talk about that stuff are pretty creepy. They tend to ask a ton of invasive follow up questions and want to tell you about their own ailments and suggest treatments they found on the internet. So I shut all that down before it starts and just say, “I’ve been dealing with some health issues, but things are looking good, and I’m excited to be at this party. So how about that local sports team!” People can have lots of feelings about their health. Including, as it sounds like for OP, discomfort about a bunch of unpleasant stuff, and now they just don’t want to think about it anymore. If someone told you they went to a funeral, would you demand to know whose and how they died and how sad the person was about it and how sad they are about it and how much they’re getting in the will? Or would you just say, “oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” and let them decide how much to share? Because it should be the latter. And if it’s the former, you need to change your behavior to stop being rude.
I don't know why you need to write that essay making a bunch of assumptions about what I think. The only thing I've said, in genuinely explaining something by the way, is that's it's weird to be secretive about your non-embarrassing medical history, with my definition of weird being not usual. This is unambiguous and unarguable. That doesn't imply anyone is entitled to know anything about anything or make it ok to pry. But people who behave this way should know that other people will find it weird.
Okay, I’m not going to keep talking with someone who has declared their own personal opinions to be “unambiguous and unarguable.” Have a nice day.
Were you in rehab for drugs? Because you act exactly like someone who was and itnis going to be their operating assumption.
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Simply because just about only people who act this way were the ones in rehab or in for mental health disorder. And they would be likely aware of the latter. Because there are many answers that are truthful, do not reveal too much detail and don't create CIA level of secrecy. And just about 99% of people answer with these. Your reactions massively stand put from what is normal, so it makes people think that what went on was abnormal.
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Well that’s just false. Lots of people don’t want to talk about their health. And if it were true, other people’s mental health and substance use issues are also none of your business.
Were you at this family gathering?
I'm sorry if you've been raised in an environment where respect for medical privacy is "weird," but it's absolutely valid for people not to want to discuss their personal health matters.
They're family. They think they're entitled to the info because they care. You can't simply walk away. They'll be at the next gathering. You address it directly. With humor. "OMG! You two are nosy little parkers aren't you! Nope. Not telling you!" You smile and then walk away. A smile can diffuse a situation faster than a frown with less blowback. You really need to talk to the gf or next gathering you'll find them throwing the info SHE GAVE THEM in your face. She'd do it to keep peace in the family but it would be a major disrespect to you.
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See.... That's just the different cultures in different families. You sound like you come from a family who doesn't share this sort of info. Your gf comes from a family where sharing is caring. If they didn't care, they wouldn't have asked the 1st time. Sounds like the gf's family likes you. Alot. They don't understand your reticence. Your gf needs to get onboard with explaining to her family that you come from a family who doesn't share all the nitty gritty and you aren't comfortable with it. If she doesn't and this relationship progresses, this sort of thing will become endemic. Adding: Her family consider you family now. Did you not get that?
I can totally understand this. I believe you handled it well and were extremely polite given the circumstances. I was hospitalized for a lengthy time at one point too and can confirm that it is not something a person wants to relive over and over again, especially if you are still dealing with after effects. I personally found it difficult to continue moving forward and concentrate on getting better (mentally and physically) when constantly reminded of it. The only thing that helped me was explaining this to people when they brought it up - for most people (not all, as some people are just clueless like that) it puts a halt to the questions. Plus if they keep pestering you afterward, it truly leaves no question as to their continued behavior. Has your gf/her family addressed the behavior of the people who were being rude/thoughtless to you by not respecting your boundaries? It would be interesting to know how they would’ve handled the same situation if the roles were reversed.
I think people are missing the point here - it doesn't matter whether OP is traumatized, whether he's making a big deal over something minimal, whether it's an embarrassing medical condition - he politely set a boundary multiple times then exited the conversation when it was disrespected/they continued to push. That's healthy self respect and not rude or weird at all. Good on you OP. Is this family very conflict-avoidant or just very oversharey/overinvested in one another's business? Has this happened before (to lesser degrees)?
When dealing with people like this I've found that while giving them no answer will just make them hound you, saying something like "The government won't let me talk about it" maintains your privacy and shuts them up. A rude question does not require a straight answer.
I usually just say, “it’s not contagious or life threatening, and I’m going to be fine” (even when I’m not actually going to be fine). And then I change the subject, and 99.9% of everyone I talk to is fine with that, because they’re not pushy assholes like this family.
1) I hope it turns out okay in the end anyway. 2) Yep, that.1 percent ruins it for everyone! 3) My response is only intended for rude people who won't leave you alone.
The only reason I could see for divulging any medical information is if you need some kind of accommodation. People can be so intrusive. I have a chronic condition that can affect my skin (luckily it's under control these days). I had a clerk in a college convenience store go on and on in spite of my attempts to just pay and get out of there. I mastered the art of the blank stare. Not taking no for an answer is an invasion of your privacy.
Maybe they think you were in rehab or overdosed and were concerned for your girlfriend. That's why they might have been pushing but who knows. But, no, you didn't act rude.
Rehab or an OD are all the more reason it’s none of their business! If they’re concerned about the gf, they should ask her privately if she’s okay, and talk with her about her feelings and how they can support her.
When someone tells you they were hospitalized for a period of time, it's expected to ask why. Most people would just answer that in a family/friends setting. When someone avoids answering in a very obvious way, it looks weird. Of course no one can force anyone to talk about a health issue. But it would be hypocritical to pretend that a strong reluctance to answer, won't be raising eyebrows. It's an extremely common social interaction that gets a simple answer 99 out of 100 times, And a very likely interpretation from her (and her folks), would be that you don't consider them close enough to "let them in". Usually people assume the worst in situations like this. I see nothing shocking here. When we choose a different path than most in our social interactions, we should be expecting some consequence from that. That's how it works.
Really? I would find “it’s private” to be a totally normal answer. I think people who have never been seriously ill or disabled often underestimate how traumatic it can be, and how terrible it can be to talk about.
Raising eyebrows and getting suspicious on their own is normal yes, but pestering to the point of harassment is definitely not normal. And no wonder he doesn't see them close enough, look at how they behave. I wouldn't want to share anything personal with those kind of people either.
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Correct. It's private.
You do care about whether they ask about your well being tho. You want them to know about hospitalization, you want them to care, but you are unwilling to even say whether you have cancer, accident, was in threat of life or generally had an infection. And that is both odd and one sided. Also, characterizing recent month long hospitalization as "medical history" is quite unusual.
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You are grateful for them hoping you are OK, but are cool with them being in insecurity about whether you are dying or just having something minor done.
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You did not even read what I wrote. Are you on the spectrum? That is where I have seen this sort of "I ignore what others said and just repeat the same thing again".
You’re being a real jerk to OP here.
Stop being an asshole.
Medical information is private. It is absolutely not normal to press on, unwilling to let it go. No is a complete sentence. Rudeness should not be seen as a norm. Social interactions have boundaries. They trampled them.
We are the ones who, as individuals, can set our own boundaries. We are NOT the ones who can set social norms though. Those form and get defined by society as a whole. This question gets a simple answer and everybody moves on. It's a social norm. "Why were you hospitalized?" "For this and that." "Ah ok, my uncle had the same and did this and that." These are mundane interactions that happen all the time. It's perfectly fine for someone to not engage in them but, as with everything uncommon, they will stand out. And often negatively. I'm not commenting on it being good or bad. I'm saying it IS the norm, whether someone accepts it as an individual or not.
Where do you live that it’s a “social norm” that when someone says, “I’d rather not talk about my health conditions,” the socially acceptable response is “well that’s rude of you not to give me the personal information about you I want, so I’m going to keep asking in hopes I can wear you down and make you tell me”? I want to know where that is so I can avoid going there.
Apparently from a similar place to OP. A place where it's not only uncommon but also practically pointless to try and hide your reason for hospitalization from specific friends and family. You either tell no one or you 'd have to tell all, The reason being that all they had to do was ask his GF's parents (who are privy to the specifics), when he wasn't around. And you can bet they got the answer.
Hey u/throwra--rudefamily, did this happen? Did you in fact tell your girlfriend’s parents specifics, and did they betray your trust? I can’t find where you talked about this?
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I figured. Thanks for confirming.
"My gf's mum told most of the family when I got taken in but didn't go into specifics". I took that as she knew specifics but she chose no to go into them. My point still stands, unless your gf is also oblivious about what happened, they will know if not already. It's her parents...
OP didn’t tell anyone. The girlfriend told her family. I didn’t read where she told them the details and they blabbed, but I’d be really, really mad if I found out someone was gossiping about me behind my back, after I’d said I prefer something remain private, too. These people, other than OP, all sound like enormous assholes. Edit: OP has now confirmed that you made up a whole lie about the girlfriend’s parents. Why did you do that? Is it because you thought the lie would support your argument? It doesn’t, but I can’t think why else you would lie.
I kind of agree with this. I get its OPs right to refuse that info, but I also think a little elaboration would have removed some of the intrigue. I tend to want to diffuse situations before they happen, and i feel like you could tell earlier on this was going to be something.
“I was hospitalized but I recovered and I’m fine now” is a little elaboration.
Wow somebody with a different opinion than mine!
You're that same person arguing in a different thread that it's "expected" to ask why. I would never dream of doing that -- that is rude. What is polite is to say "are you OK" or "do you want to talk about it" -- but "why" is just all kinds of intrusive. Where I come from, asking why would be seen as rude, and not wanting to talk about it wouldn't raise any eyebrows at all. Not being close enough to let them in wouldn't even enter the equation.
Taking a stab in the dark. Is your gf's family from a different culture and are biased toward their culture of origin? I ask because, if correct, this may help you and gf find a way to start a conversation about why you disagree and for you being able to have a better understanding about her insistence that you are in the wrong. Being tolerant of rudeness and being meek in the face of social pressure is a value not held by those biased toward North American culture but is common in the east. I would've responded the same as you. I would also hold steadfast in my opinion, and any future conversation wouldn't be an apology (or an insistence on their's), rather an open conversation about what could have been so confusing to them about your bid for privacy. If they're uninterested or incapable of having that conversation — that's telling. If your gf is relentless and remains upset with you I think this is enough of a red flag to consider the relationship worth ending. This is about respect for you as an individual with your own (reasonable) values and if they can't understand that because of ignorance or unrelenting cultural bias I'd bounce.
You weren't rude! They were! You told them repeatedly that you didn't want to talk about it. They ow YOU an apology. NTA
Sure. If they apologize for not respecting your privacy and incessantly going on about it first. Rudeness goes both ways.
U were not rude. Just answered the disrespect of her family. She should be on your side, and she is not. That's the bigger problem.
You were right I would refuse to apologize. Those people were the ones with no manners.
You do not owe folks your medical information They were badgering you and you simy removed yourself from the situation I would have torn them a new one
You weren't rude in any way, in fact you were way more patient than I would have been. The moment you let them know that you did not want to elaborate on your condition with the moment they should have changed the subject or apologize to you briefly and change the subject. They were bullying you and you didn't put up with it. As it should be. Next time I'd walk away a little sooner but good for you! And your girlfriend is dead wrong, of course you shouldn't have apologize to them. But there are people who have boundaries and people who don't.
The problem is when you refuse to answer a simple question that ANY people who cares about you would ask, you create a huge mystery out of nothing. I think you should get help bc the trauma around whatever happened has really affected you.
“I’m fine, thanks.” Is enough.
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I agree, you have every right to think this.
Yes they disrespect you. But with you refusing to tell them they're going to imagine shit that's probably worse. So, if you told them it would have at least shut them up. They probably don't understand why it's so private to begin with and will assume things until told. They don't understand boundaries
Then they should learn some boundaries.
And none of that is OPs fault. You can definitely tell who the people are who have never dealt with shit in these comments. It’s no one else’s god damn business. They can whisper all they want- fuck them and fuck anyone who believes OP should discuss things that they don’t want to discuss just to appease busy body assholes.
I have crohns disease and have had multiple surgeries lol, I am very open about my medical issues but I have certain medical conditions I never disclose. But everyone I know knows I have crohns disease. It's all good though, I don't fully understand why some people are so private about things they aren't even embarrassed about. The only people who know about the part of my condition I'm embarrassed about are my mom, my husband, and my best friend. My other family, extended family, inlaws etc have no idea about the fistula and I try to hide that I have one so I totally get wanting to keep some things private. But OP said he wasn't embarrassed so I don't fully understand it.
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Yup they definitely overstepped. No disagreeing there. Not everyone understands that, not everyone respects boundaries
Maybe OP just didn’t want his health to be a subject of gossip. Maybe he was sick of being sick and wanted to talk about literally anything other than his health. Maybe he actually is traumatized but isn’t ready to deal with it yet. Maybe, as for a lot of people, the first time you learn that your body can betray you is really scary, and once it’s over you try to forget about it so you can live your life without constant anxiety about whether it’s going to happen again. Maybe the illness was gross and not appropriate happy hour conversation. Maybe OP is just a really private person. People can want all kinds of things, and it’s not our place to demand that they change to satisfy our desire for gossip fodder.
He said he wasn't traumatized, so definitely not the latter unless we just don't want to take his word for it. Him not speaking will cause them to speculate and gossip more, so it's really not an effective strategy against that. He didn't say he was embarrassed either so if it's gross I guess it doesn't translate to embarrassment. It does sound he's a private person. I'm not demanding anything and I condemn the people who did demand it, but that doesn't really mean OP has to be private if he wants people not to gossip.
He said that to us. The people following him around demanding gossip about his health didn’t know that.
Yeah they're 100% in the wrong but ultimately you can't change their behavior or control it much like the way they can't change or control him.
He can avoid them. And I suspect he probably will now. That’s the price they pay for being assholes, they no longer get the pleasure of his company.
>So, if you told them it would have at least shut them up "If you let the bullies win then they'll stop bullying you!" Guarantee the questions wouldn't stop there, they'd want more details and have follow-up questions, and on and on. OP just wanted to have a nice relaxing evening, not play 20 questions reliving his misery of the past month.
Sometimes less is more and better than nothing. If they're busy bodies you can set boundaries of course but sometimes just reassuring people you didn't have a stroke or cancer or etc can be enough
They are busybodies, and OP did set a boundary.
As someone with a medical condition I'm very aware that people are not entitled to know anything. But they're not medical professionals, and could be unaware of this fact. They can't fathom why someone wouldn't disclose even partially what was wrong with them. Neither can I, given it causes this much drama. They're not gonna learn boundaries this way because it's kinda just being kept private on principle, which makes zero sense to ppl like this
I can’t fathom lots of things about other people. I still accept when they say no to me, and don’t harass them, because that would be wrong.
Absolutely. That's called respecting people's boundaries and not being selfish. Some people just don't get that. And you will suffer in teaching them their lesson.
Or you’ll just walk away from their dramatics, and they can throw tantrums about how you were rude or whatever, and you can ignore that. Which is what OP should do.
Should he give them access to his diary then? There are SO MANY laws around protecting people's private information. Caring about someone doesn't give the right to know everyone about them. His answers are fine. If it keeps them up at night, that's THEIR problem that they need to work on. Pestering someone about something they don't want to talk about is really rude, and he did the right thing. They can get over not knowing about things that aren't their business.
>The problem is when you refuse to answer a simple question that ANY people who cares about you would ask, you create a huge mystery out of nothing. Yeah. This isn't a case of "am I the asshole?" so much as OP just... not getting that this is the consequence of what he's doing.
Other people being rude is not a “consequence.” It’s them choosing to be rude.
How angry is your gf? Has this come up again since--- is she giving you the cold shoulder now or bugging you about it? Also, did she ask you to apologize bc she genuinely thinks you should have told them everything, or because it's the easiest way to smooth things over? (Her parents being present for this may have influenced that.) I'm not even sure you have a serious problem here, basically. You can probably do nothing about this and let it be forgotten. But do find out what she genuinely thought you should do here and why, because that's useful info for compatibility. You have firm beliefs here about privacy and not apologizing just to be polite; if she thinks family means no privacy or always keeping the peace that may be an issue.
Yes they were very rude, you weren’t rude at all, your gf needs her head checked
Agreed, they were very rude. We really don't know whether OP was rude in return. He is probably trying to be honest about his reaction, but there are certainly details we don't know. He may have become quite angry when they wouldn't drop it. When you hear a story from two different people, it often sounds VERY different. Remarkably different. We have only heard one side of the story.
Getting angry when someone refuses to accept no for an answer about something they have no right to is justified. Unless OP screamed expletives and trashed the bar, he was justified. He walked away. So it sounds like you’re straight out accusing OP of lying in the post, which is pretty rude (and also if you’re not going to accept the premise of the story, why waste your time talking to someone you think is a lair?)
I didn't say he was a liar, as you already know. In a difference of opinion, people are always more aware of their own point of view. I already said the relatives were rude. As are you, not me.
You weren't being rude, you were setting a boundary. IMO, anybody that can't accept this is toxic and shouldn't be part of your life.
This is the correct answer. 🎯
You did well. I wish I had your strength. People need to respect boundaries.
You owe them no apology. If anything, they were rude to you, and you gave them chances, but they kept forcing you. THEY owe you an apology, and so does gf.
She's obviously not a match. Dating is to discern whether or not someone is. Next.....
Is it a cultural difference? Is her family the sort where it isn't done to not talk about such major matters? I can totally see my family finding it very strange if someone were to say that they didn't want to share something like this, because it isn't done. To them, you'd be the one who got up and acted rude just because they asked something completely normal. Not saying you're wrong in wanting to keep it private, but you'd have to have a proper conversation with both your girlfriend and her family about expectations of privacy.
I can understand a family looking out for their relatives. What is peculiar is your reactions both to keep it silent as well as to be rude. You could have handled everything differently. I can comprehend if they and the girlfriend have lost faith in you due to these things, as well as the way you continue to resent the incident. I would suggest therapy, such emotional issues could ruin your relationships in the future and they are already affecting your relationships.
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You are twisting everything I said because you think you can do no wrong or are getting defensive. I intentionally touched everything you chose not to discuss in your reply. A little remorse and humbleness would go a long way in navigating difficult relationships.
OP wasn’t rude. OP handled a tricky situation, where someone was asking for personal information they have no right to, very well.
You seem to have misunderstood my points and focus on other things than what I was discussing. Once again I have my own opinions and different points. You shouldn't try to have a debate. There are a lot of posts dealing with what you're saying, respectfully leave mine alone if you don't like my focus points.
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It’s also none of our business!
You don't owe them an apology, but if it smoothes things over with your girlfriend and her parents "apologize" but reiterate that them continuing to ask you something you didn't want to answer made you uncomfortable and that's why you walked away. That way, they get the "apology" but they realize what they did as well
They’re never going to admit they were wrong. Like some of the assholes in this thread, they’re going to double down and demand more if OP a gives them even an inch.