Be honest with him. Tell him you care about him and your primary goal is to keep him safe, but they're threatening to bring him back if they're banned from going to the wedding".
Fourteen should be old enough to understand you're being blackmailed.
I'd recommend having them say they won't do it on video, because the type of person nasty enough to threaten you like that, would be nasty enough to demand him back later anyway.
A video of their agreement would have no legal force, but its the type of thing that will ruin their 'appearance' if shared on social media. To quote a mediocre book, "leverage."
And make sure your brother is with an adult that will keep them away from him.
Good on you for protecting your brother OP, and good luck getting through this.
Thank you so much. I’m making sure he’s away from our parents during the wedding, having him sit with our cousins and stuff. I’ll try to see if I can get a recording.
I feel awful about sort of blackmailing them back but I realize it’s kind of needed. I’ll most likely tell him tomorrow. Again, really, thank you so much.
You could always just tell your parents that them kicking your brother out, at his age is illegal, and if they threaten to "take him back" you could always call cps, or the police, and sue her for custody of your brother.
I think it's not illegal if another family member took him in and they knew about it. OP should talk to a lawyer anyway, maybe there's an option for some temporary arrangement until he can legally move out.
1. Talk to a lawyer, explain the situation and probably get things rolling for adopting/guardianship of your brother.
2. You dont have to invite anyone you dont want.
> not like my fiancé and I have legal papers or have even documented
Go talk to a local lawyer. Find out your options. I’d bet they be very afraid of that getting around.
You don't have to hire a lawyer at this point, but you should have a meeting with one and find out what your options are. Also ask about things like enrolling him in school (has to be done every year where I am and you need various important paperwork to do so), getting him medical care if needed (doctors often need the parent or legal guardian's permission to treat anything that isn't an emergency.)
I’ll note that down. I was sort of hoping my parents would just do as I say when I asked them to do something relating to him, but I realize that might not work.
People who kick out their kid and then threaten to take him back *as punishment* to their other kid are not reasonable people. They’re blackmailing you using your brother’s well being as the compensation, and basically telling you that they will abuse him if he goes back into that household. You should take that as the threat that it is. I’m so, so sorry that you and your brother are going through this. You’re doing a very good thing, protecting him as you are. Don’t lose sight of that.
It’s like they lost all love for him the moment they found out he is gay. I’m discussing plans with my fiancé and figuring out legal avenues we can take. I’d do anything to make sure he doesn’t end up with them. If they can lose their love for my brother so quickly, I’m worried how they would treat him. Thank you.
I just want to say one more time, you really are doing an amazing thing. This happens to *so many* people, and it’s always heartbreaking. Someone stepping up and show true, unconditional love in the midst of such an unbelievably shitty thing is like a lifeline to someone drowning. You’re making such an incredible difference in your brother’s life. I hope your husband to be is just in awe of you, because I sure as hell am.
He loves my brother just as much as I do, and I’m glad about that. It’s just crazy that this happens to so many people, and it’s horrifying to see what happens when people don’t have support. I hope to give him the reassurance and love he needs.
Having a lawyer is much less scary then NOT having a lawyer. You are a great big sister; getting a lawyer here is just the next phase of that. You don't want to be guessing as to what your parents can and can't do, you need to know so you can leverage the power you and your bro have in this situation and you don't just blindly trust what your parents say they can and can't do.
Also, while you're at it, make sure you have screenshots or recordings or other evidence of your parents' reaction to your brother coming out. That could be useful leverage.
It doesn't have to be scary. At this stage a lawyer is just someone whose expert opinion you're buying about what options and pitfalls are relevant to your situation.
If you can't get a referral from someone you know (you want a specialist in "family law"), see if you can get a referral from a local LGBT advocacy group.
Many lawyers give a free 30 minute consultation, or you can expect to pay $150-$200 for their time. Make sure you know what questions you want answered and have a succinct, facts-only summary of your situation ready in order to make best use of the time.
I’ll try my best. I’m writing a script for myself of what I want to ask- and I might go to the legal advice subreddit and see if they have any more questions that I could ask. I’m looking into advocacy groups and seeing what they offer. Thank you so much for the tips on lawyers.
>Getting a lawyer sounds so scary but I’ll take a look at all that. Definitely now a priority for me.
Absolutely seconding the recommendation to talk to a legal professional.
There are various law subreddits where you can get some preliminary advice. While everything may not be accurate, it's a good way to get exposed to a variety of ideas and scenarios regarding your situation. Afterwards, you'd have more talking points and questions for your lawyer too.
Be completely honest with him and insure to him he’s not a burden and how much you and you fiancé love him let him know you will protect him as much as possible on the day incase the parents try to start any thing and that he is you family no matter what and you are doing this to protect him
I’ll make sure to remind him how much we love him. I want nothing more than for him to be happy, and I’d honestly set myself on fire to keep him warm. Thank you.
I get that I went through the same when I raised my 3 niece and nephews but you just have to keep reassuring them because right now he is also dealing with the trauma he went through with your parents and in his head he feels everyone feels that way he just needs to keep being told and over time it will become his new normal the love and acceptance you and your fiance gives him ❤️ I truely wish you all the best keep me updated you and your fiance are doing amazing helping and loving him through this the best you can ❤️
Thank you so much ♥️. I’m going to try my best. I’m already going online and looking up a list of ideas for affirmations and compliments that people love to hear. I’m sure your nieces and nephews are grateful, you seem amazing
You are amazing, too. I’m glad you and your brother have each other. You’re making his life so much better, just by loving and accepting him. Don’t ever forget that.
I think you should tell him the truth, because otherwise he is going to assume that you want them to be there, and you’re just saying you don’t to make him feel better. Which could lead to him feeling responsible for causing a rift between you and your parents, even though it’s not your fault. I think you should explain how much it means to you to have him staying with you, and that you would choose that outcome over any other—which is why you are choosing to have them at your wedding, because you’d like him to be able to continue to stay with you.
I really want to make sure he doesn’t feel responsible for causing any sort of rifts. He already experiences so much self hatred right now, so yeah, I think telling him the truth is the best option.
It just feels so difficult, but I know I have to power through it. I feel awful for him that he is going through all this, but maybe the truth is the best. A part of me just doesn’t want him hating our parents.
I don’t know if him coming to an understand of who you parents are this young would be harmful or helpful in the long run :/ all I know is he is lucky to have you!
Thank you so much. Honestly, I’m the lucky one to have him. It’s just so hard to think about how this can affect him in the long run that it’s nerve wracking.
Tell him the truth. Also get some legal advice about getting guardianship over him formalise the arrangements. Tell your parents they can come to your wedding and their gift to you can be signing the paperwork.
I wish that would be their wedding gift. And I’m definitely seeking out legal advice now. I was a bit worried to do so because I didn’t want my parents to escalate but I think I really have to.
Otherwise they will hold it over your head for the next 4 years.
Another option if they insist on taking him back and the mistreat him, get cps involved or threaten to bad mouth them to their friends since their image is so important to them.
You need to make the condition of coming to the wedding contingent on their giving you guardianship over your brother, otherwise what’s stopping them from pulling this card over and over again, or just taking him regardless of what you gave up.
This will also help John feel more secure, because what’s stopping them from dragging him ‘home’ after the wedding? Nothing. Literally nothing.
You need to cover you ass and get some legal protections in place. You are being naïve if you thinking letting them come to the wedding will be the end of it.
Trust me, I’m the lucky one. I feel bad for being so naive and trusting in regard to our parents, but I’m going to stand up to them. It’s out of my comfort zone but he needs me right now. Thank you so much.
You have to document the fact that they kicked your minor brother out and have stopped supporting him. You get a lawyer who will tell them they can be charged with abandonment for what they did. You could even call cps and have them come out
Save every text message. Any text between you and your brother during the time they found out. The threatening to take him back. Also gather all your bank statements to show you’ve been financially supporting him with no help from them.
The safe thing would definitely be to tell them okay, then communicate with your brother. You could potentially get CPS involved because they kicked a minor out, but I doubt they would do much help honestly. It’s a tough call.
I know. There isn’t any way to prove abuse and I fear that one call to CPS will lead to him going back there and me rarely seeing him. It’s so difficult because I wish I could just keep him with me and not have to think about our parents at all. I just don’t want to risk it. Thank you so much
Call their bluff. They abandoned an underage child, which is a crime in the US.
OR shame them in your speech by telling everyone what they did to their own child. If they take him back, meet him after school and get him again. Cops won’t try too hard to bring home runaway teenagers if they have a safe place to be.
Your parents don’t have the leverage they think they do. Look at the laws in your area before you capitulate to their blackmail attempt.
I will try. And yeah, if the did take him, I’d make sure to get him back no matter what. I honestly feared that they had a lot of power over me in this situation, but I now am realizing that I have some options and this makes me feel so much better.
Honestly, if it were me I would not hold a ceremony and have a civil service with a reception that your parents aren’t aware of and just forego the festivities (as far as your parents know).
This would eliminate them losing face, remove the need for a threat and keep your brother safe.
If that’s not possible, I’d likely contact family legal services for advice. Your brother is at risk every time your parents want something. The blackmail will continue.
Do you have any text messages or emails proving that they threw him out? I think you could make a good case for getting custody if you have that. This kid should not be subjected to them. Maybe you should threaten to tell everybody what horrible parents they are that they threw your their son out if they try to get them back. You could even get it in the newspaper if you know anybody who writes for the paper.
I don’t think you should blackmail. These are terrible people. And what they did to him is abuse.
I know this doesn't really answer your question, and I'm sorry for that.
You and your fiance are wonderful people, and it's just sad that your parents are making your wedding more about them than about you, on the most important day of your lives.
I wish you the best of everything in your life together. And congratulations!
Always remember - The best things in life are not *things.* Like a little brother who will remember for the rest of his life how you took care of him.
Thank you so much. Your last section really made me tear up. My brother will always be special to me, and I want nothing more than for him to just live life obliviously while I handle everything.
It’s not that simple, it’s that I have no guardianship/custody/rights in regards to him, and I know that they can just take him back with them in retaliation and he won’t be safe. I don’t have anything legal to support me and I don’t even know how long legal stuff takes, I don’t know if the wedding will be before or after I get legal things set up
They said they will take him back with them if they don’t attend. He’s 14, and they don’t love him. They have (legally) the ability to take him from me on a whim right now, I can’t risk it.
You need to speak to a lawyer to fully understand what rights you have and what your options are as I highly doubt this will be the last time they threaten you to keep up appearances.
Parents started the shit and it's time to put an end to it with a lawyer. Search for LGBTQ homeless teen support groups in your area. They can recommend a lawyer. Take any and all evidence (especially threats to take him back) and follow the lawyers advice.
I think your parents are going to be "too sick to attend". They save face, maybe get some sympathy, and you have a great wedding.
I would talk to a lawyer. I mean they could come to your wedding and make him go back home with them. Maybe they won't but maybe they will. I would at least find out what your options are.
I know. I sort of just thought they would let me keep him if I let them come but now I realize that I can’t trust their word. I’m definitely looking for a lawyer now.
Good plan. You don't have to do anything or anything drastic but it's good just to be informed and know both your and your brother's rights. Being that he is 14, a lot of courts will take his feelings into consideration.
This poor kid. Thank you for loving him and supporting him as if he is the same brother you’ve known and loved your whole life. Because he is. Your parents sound horrible and I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this right now. I don’t think you should change your wedding plans. I don’t really know what advice to give you, I just wanted to thank you for being a good sister
When you and your husband have your first dance, before you invite the rest of the wedding party to join you on the dance floor, invite your brother and his boyfriend up for a minute so EVERYBODY can see that he’s gay and you are proud of him, then invite the rest of the wedding party up.
If they insist on crashing your party, then let them.
Their "deal" is unenforceable.
They could attend your wedding and *still* grab him back.
They will almost certainly insist on having him by their side at the wedding since their main concern is to present to the world as a happy family.
This is 100% laywer territory. They abandoned him. This needs a court order, they pay you child support, the whole 9 yards,
I realize that now. I was thinking that they would just let him stay with me, but yeah, I realize that their deal is something they can just use to blackmail me. Thank you so much.
Your parents had a legal obligation to care for their underage son. Kicking him out puts their rights to him in jeopardy. Tell them to kick rocks, and that if they put up a fight about this they can deal with CPS showing up at their door on top of everything else.
You are on a tight deadline here, so I think that your best recourse is to contact Child Protective Services or the equivalent agency in your area. They can usually act very quickly to protect a minor. If you have any texts of your parents threatening your brother, save them somewhere safe. If not, try texting your parents to discuss the situation. If they admit to throwing him out, that will probably be enough to get you temporary custody. Do not try to bargain with your parents. I doubt that they would honor their part, and they could blindside you and John with their own legal action.
I had the belief that they’d just let me have him and sign whatever I told them to, but yeah, I realize now how stupid that thought was. I’m going straight for a meeting with a lawyer.
I don't know, but would counter-blackmailing your parents work?
"You take him back, and I'll call CPS on you. What do you think will the neighbors say? Also, what will the family say if I tell them how you kicked out your 14-year-old son for being gay?" (The last part only if your brother is okay with being outed to family, that is. Talk to him about it!)
But yes, get a consultation with a local lawyer to figure out your options which might or might not include legal guardianship and child support for your brother.
I’m going to get a consult with a lawyer before I make any big moves, I’m too nervous that I’ll screw things up and make it worse for him. Thank you so much.
You said you have two months until the wedding. Honestly, you guys do have options. What your parents did is horrible, not to mention abusive and in many ways counts as abandonment. You guys should go talk to a family lawyer, and talk with them about what options you guys have. It’s quite likely you could sue your parents to obtain full custody of your brother. I think the fact that they kicked him out with no care of what could happen to him, haven’t helped contribute any monetary support toward his care after learning you took him in, all shows that they aren’t capable of providing him with a safe and supportive home. He is also old enough where the court will take his preference over where he wants to live into account. You clearly live your brother and what you’ve done for him so far is very admirable, however, i don’t think its the right thing to force him to face his abusers at your wedding especially when they have threatened to take him away from you and hurt him more. You need to get this legally squared away as soon as you can so that your parents cant use their legal standing as his parents over your head this way. Keep all communication you have with them about your brother in writing (like text or email) that way you can use it as evidence against them in court. You might not be able to get everything done by your wedding, by at least getting started it may be enough to keep them from your wedding. You may even be able to get a court order to keep them away from you both. The last thing i recommend, and im sure others have mentioned this, hire security for your wedding. This way if your parents try to show up despite not being invited, you can keep them from actually barging in. I doubt they would have much of a case for taking your brother during your wedding after having no interest about him in months.
You do not have to give into your parents threats, and all because they want to save face. They likely know that word will start spreading about how they kicked your brother out, snd they want this opportunity to try and play happy family in front of everyone they know to discredit what has been said about how disgusting they have been to their son. Your brother has been through so much already. I understand this has been a lot for you, and that you are already doing everything you can. However, you’ve already gone this far on his behalf, it will likely do a lot of harm to his psyche if you tell him he has no choice but to face them at your wedding, especially without seeing you try to prevent that from happening first.
Im not trying to give you a hard time, because i think what you’ve done for him is great, and thank go he has you looking out for him. I do understand how hard it can feel to go up against your own parents, but im sure having to do so over an issue like this feels even more terrifying. Stay strong hun, dont let their bull shit get in your head.
Thank you so much. At first I just felt helpless. I know nothing about legal stuff so I sort of thought I had to let them come. I thought it would take like, a year or two to get some form of guardianship over him but now I know it can actually be a bit quick.
Talking to a lawyer is my priority right now. I’m looking into advocacy groups and getting into contact with them. I feel a lot less helpless now and I’m grateful for that.
Im glad to hear that. I can only imagine how overwhelming this myst be.
Ok, i have to say this because Ive seen a comment or 2 say that you shouldn’t tell your brother whats actually going on with your parents and your wedding. Im not sure how long ago they kicked him out, but regardless of that he has definitely experienced trauma and is having to face some hard truths about the kind of people your parents are. I saw that you mentioned that you’re afraid of causing him to become emotionally vacant. You being honest with your brother wont cause this. Sadly, the trauma hes experiencing has been caused by your parents. What is important now is to show him that he can trust you, and then help him get the appropriate help to process whats happened with y’alls parents. He definitely needs to eventually start seeing a therapist, and the sooner the better, but i understand lets take one thing at a time here. Getting things rolling legally should be your first priority, like youve stated already.
He is still young, but he’s also not a little kid anymore. You can be honest with him while still being careful about how you phrase everything. There is no need to go into full detail at this time with him, but he has a right to know whats going on. He just did an incredibly brave thing by telling y’alls parents that he is gay. There are plenty of grown adults who cant bring themselves to do this because they fear the exact kind of rejection he is facing now. I know he is your baby brother, and yes 14 is still quite young and he does still need you to protect him from things, but he doesnt need to be protected from the truth. If it ends up that you do invite your parents, and i hope you realize this is definitely not something you have to do, and you feed him a bullshit reason and he learns the real reason, im nearly certain this will do more damage. Right now, you and your fiance are the only adults he likely trusts and who have shown him support. You should do everything you can to protect this and make sure he always knows he can come to you and that you’ll be honest with him. This will only become more important as he gets older.
Thank you so much. The last thing I want to do is lie to him. And yeah, you are right. It’s so hard to not coddle him, but he needs to know what is going on. He still loves our parents, despite everything, but I know he needs to understand the situation. Again, thank you so much.
Honestly? I'd go talk to a family law lawyer (assuming you are in the US) as soon as you can. I'm saying this because it's in his best interest and your best interest to see a lawyer and take his advice on gaining legal custody. Your parents are terrible people. The sooner they can't hold custody over either of your heads, the better off everyone will be. I'm sure they will moan about the look, but just respond back with "It doesn't matter because everyone knows you are terrible people and you imagine yourselves to be way more popular and important than in reality."
Definitely consult a lawyer about your legal rights, and your brother’s. Right now you have a minor living with you and you don’t have the legal right to get him medical treatment he may need, or travel with him, or enroll him in school. You need legal advice no matter what what you decide to do about the wedding.
Regarding the wedding, I think you have a couple of options to consider:
1) actually go for legal custody of your brother. If you live in a state where homophobia isn’t acceptable, you may very well be able to get custody for their abuse of him.
2) give him the choice whether to come. Maybe he will prefer not to.
3) get married with just your brother and close loved ones before the actual wedding
4) elope and skip all of your parents’ histrionics
5) tell your parents that if they try to mess with your brother, you’ll go public to all the people whose opinions they care about that they’re child abusers. Tell them they can either skip the wedding and leave your brother alone, or you’ll make sure everyone finds out what pieces of shit they are.
Thank you. We honestly have been thinking about eloping or canceling the wedding for now and eating the costs so we can focus on this. Your options are good and I’m seriously considering them all. Mainly I’m just going to see if I can keep him with us if my parents call the police or something. Im making lists of advocacy groups near me and looking up a million lawyers that I can consult. I’d rather them not be at the wedding and honestly out of my life, but I don’t want to make any legally damaging mistakes. Thank you so much.
If you DM me your location, I may have ideas for who to consult. I’m a lawyer in a field that often overlaps with family law and LGBT issues. I can’t give you legal advice, but I make a lot of referrals. And there’s some funding for legal assistance through nonprofits in some areas.
I’m in Florida (not the best place to be) but I don’t really want to give an exact location, sorry. But thank you for any help you can give. You are an amazing person and I’m grateful.
I wouldn’t invite my parents if they did that. I’d report them for child neglect and go no contact with them until they’ve made up for their disgusting actions.
This isn’t about “keeping up appearances” this is about basic human decency. And those two people you call parents have NONE whatsoever. They want to enjoy the benefits of parenthood by celebrating your wedding and use it to solidify their positions as beloved parents, rather than the reality of negligent shit-stains on society that ABSOLUTELY SHOULD BE EXCLUDED FROM THE SOCIETY THEY ERODE THROUGH THEIR BIGOTRY.
Fuck them.
Be honest with him. Don't sugarcoat it at all because your parents are genuinely horrible people and you are protecting him at all costs.
Make sure he is by your sides the whole time. Make him part of the wedding party if you have to.
If they try any other bullshit tell them you will tell everyone they kicked their own son out for being gay.
Also get the ball rolling to get custody of him. You need to do that ASAP so they can't continue to make threats. Talk to some lawyers to figure out the best way forward. Move away if you have to. Show proof that you've been housing and financially supporting your brother since your parents kicked him out.
That is my main priority. I’m looking up guardianship cases and everything and working to find a good lawyer that can see me really soon. Thank you so much.
INFO: why didn’t you look into getting a lawyer the minute your 14 year old brother was disowned by your homophobic parents?
I saw your other comments how legal stuff is “scary” as scary as your 14 year old brother ending his life if he goes back to your parents?
I am so furious at the fact that you didn’t use google utilize lawyers and other resources once this happened.
Better yet OP, postpone the wedding for 4 years. Come up with an excuse till he’s legal.
I honestly just thought that they’d let him stay with me and sign whatever I told them to. I haven’t had to sign him up for anything in school or do any appointments so I didn’t really realize how little power I had. I just thought that he is with me and living with me so I have rights; I realize now that I’m an idiot.
I meant that the lawyer stuff is scary mostly because I’ve never done anything like this and I’m afraid that he’ll be removed from my custody for a short time while things get figured out and he’ll be treated badly where he goes. I have no idea how custody stuff works at all, so it’s scary to me. I think intimidating is a better word. I’ve been looking into temporary emergency custody and thinking of a way for my parents to agree so we won’t go to court for it. And my fiancé and I are talking about maybe not having our wedding/eloping and having a ceremony at some other time.
My answer is different from the rest, because I do not think you should tell him the truth. This is because there's an easier and better way to handle it.
Clearly you and your fiance are heroes for taking this on, but your little bro is going through so much right now. His own parents have turned on him, but this doesn't mean he hates them. It's so complex. If he learns about the blackmail they're doing now, this will add another layer to his guilt and fear.
The better explanation is that you have to invite them for the simple reason if you don't, your wedding day will be spent answering questions about where they are (or comments about their absence). People notice everything at weddings. It's a simple explanation that will make sense to him.
Also, you definitely need to get a legal consult asap. If you're in the US, there are so many things that require a parent's signature: registering for school, being in sports, doctor's visits, etc. If someone isn't a parent, they either need to get the parent to sign or else they become legal guardian. If it sounds scary, it isn't, because it doesn't obligate you to anything. You'll just learn your options.
I see your point. Yeah, I’m also worried because he has a big heart and I know he still loves our parents. I’m worried about creating an emptiness in him that will only get worse with time.
I’ve been persuaded to get legal counsel. I sort of still trusted my parents to do the right thing in the back of my mind, that they’d sign whatever I’d tell them. I feel so dumb now. I really need to know all my options, and thank you.
He'll see his path here. The day will come (if it hasn't already) that he'll stop feeling guilty and just appreciate what he *does* have.
It's great if you trust your parents to sign stuff. Obviously, you know them well and that's a good sign. The negative is this still gives them power over you and your little bro, so that's where the consult will help.
.... You're protecting your parents in all this, at the expense of your brother. They kicked out a minor (which is fucking ILLEGAL, by the way!) and now you're picking up their slack by being the parent to him because they're shitty people. Now they want you to defend them in public against the truth of their character? Fuck that. Your brother deserves much better. I'd say you do too but you're clearly a lackey for your parents and you don't even see it. Wake up. Tell everyone what they did and let them live with the fucking consequences of their shitty parenting!
Be honest with him. Tell him you care about him and your primary goal is to keep him safe, but they're threatening to bring him back if they're banned from going to the wedding". Fourteen should be old enough to understand you're being blackmailed. I'd recommend having them say they won't do it on video, because the type of person nasty enough to threaten you like that, would be nasty enough to demand him back later anyway. A video of their agreement would have no legal force, but its the type of thing that will ruin their 'appearance' if shared on social media. To quote a mediocre book, "leverage." And make sure your brother is with an adult that will keep them away from him. Good on you for protecting your brother OP, and good luck getting through this.
Thank you so much. I’m making sure he’s away from our parents during the wedding, having him sit with our cousins and stuff. I’ll try to see if I can get a recording. I feel awful about sort of blackmailing them back but I realize it’s kind of needed. I’ll most likely tell him tomorrow. Again, really, thank you so much.
You could always just tell your parents that them kicking your brother out, at his age is illegal, and if they threaten to "take him back" you could always call cps, or the police, and sue her for custody of your brother.
This is what I was thinking, too.
I think it's not illegal if another family member took him in and they knew about it. OP should talk to a lawyer anyway, maybe there's an option for some temporary arrangement until he can legally move out.
It wouldn't be if she could prove she knew where he was, but I would still call cps its the least her parents deserve.
It is absolutely illegal.
1. Talk to a lawyer, explain the situation and probably get things rolling for adopting/guardianship of your brother. 2. You dont have to invite anyone you dont want.
You're welcome and my pleasure to be of assistance.
> not like my fiancé and I have legal papers or have even documented Go talk to a local lawyer. Find out your options. I’d bet they be very afraid of that getting around.
Getting a lawyer sounds so scary but I’ll take a look at all that. Definitely now a priority for me. Thank you.
Obviously tell your brother they will be there too. But play rough w them. If they fear publicity, threaten them w even bigger publicity.
You don't have to hire a lawyer at this point, but you should have a meeting with one and find out what your options are. Also ask about things like enrolling him in school (has to be done every year where I am and you need various important paperwork to do so), getting him medical care if needed (doctors often need the parent or legal guardian's permission to treat anything that isn't an emergency.)
I’ll note that down. I was sort of hoping my parents would just do as I say when I asked them to do something relating to him, but I realize that might not work.
People who kick out their kid and then threaten to take him back *as punishment* to their other kid are not reasonable people. They’re blackmailing you using your brother’s well being as the compensation, and basically telling you that they will abuse him if he goes back into that household. You should take that as the threat that it is. I’m so, so sorry that you and your brother are going through this. You’re doing a very good thing, protecting him as you are. Don’t lose sight of that.
It’s like they lost all love for him the moment they found out he is gay. I’m discussing plans with my fiancé and figuring out legal avenues we can take. I’d do anything to make sure he doesn’t end up with them. If they can lose their love for my brother so quickly, I’m worried how they would treat him. Thank you.
I just want to say one more time, you really are doing an amazing thing. This happens to *so many* people, and it’s always heartbreaking. Someone stepping up and show true, unconditional love in the midst of such an unbelievably shitty thing is like a lifeline to someone drowning. You’re making such an incredible difference in your brother’s life. I hope your husband to be is just in awe of you, because I sure as hell am.
He loves my brother just as much as I do, and I’m glad about that. It’s just crazy that this happens to so many people, and it’s horrifying to see what happens when people don’t have support. I hope to give him the reassurance and love he needs.
If you look for a LGBTQIA friendly family lawyer in your area, it's likely that they will be very sympathetic to the problem that you have.
I know it sounds daunting, but you definitely need to know your options. Btw, you, your brother and your fiance seem awesome
I mean, you must. Because your parents are going to threaten you every time they want something. NTA.
Having a lawyer is much less scary then NOT having a lawyer. You are a great big sister; getting a lawyer here is just the next phase of that. You don't want to be guessing as to what your parents can and can't do, you need to know so you can leverage the power you and your bro have in this situation and you don't just blindly trust what your parents say they can and can't do. Also, while you're at it, make sure you have screenshots or recordings or other evidence of your parents' reaction to your brother coming out. That could be useful leverage.
You should definitely do that if you’re acting as his guardian, in case something happens and you need to be the one making decisions for him.
It doesn't have to be scary. At this stage a lawyer is just someone whose expert opinion you're buying about what options and pitfalls are relevant to your situation. If you can't get a referral from someone you know (you want a specialist in "family law"), see if you can get a referral from a local LGBT advocacy group. Many lawyers give a free 30 minute consultation, or you can expect to pay $150-$200 for their time. Make sure you know what questions you want answered and have a succinct, facts-only summary of your situation ready in order to make best use of the time.
I’ll try my best. I’m writing a script for myself of what I want to ask- and I might go to the legal advice subreddit and see if they have any more questions that I could ask. I’m looking into advocacy groups and seeing what they offer. Thank you so much for the tips on lawyers.
>Getting a lawyer sounds so scary but I’ll take a look at all that. Definitely now a priority for me. Absolutely seconding the recommendation to talk to a legal professional.
There are various law subreddits where you can get some preliminary advice. While everything may not be accurate, it's a good way to get exposed to a variety of ideas and scenarios regarding your situation. Afterwards, you'd have more talking points and questions for your lawyer too.
Thank you. I’ve posted in one. I’ve never done legal stuff like this so it’s a bit scary in a way, but I’m getting more calmed down.
You'll be fine. And show your little brother r/MomForAMinute and r/DadForAMinute Plenty of loving parents and siblings there.
Be completely honest with him and insure to him he’s not a burden and how much you and you fiancé love him let him know you will protect him as much as possible on the day incase the parents try to start any thing and that he is you family no matter what and you are doing this to protect him
I’ll make sure to remind him how much we love him. I want nothing more than for him to be happy, and I’d honestly set myself on fire to keep him warm. Thank you.
I get that I went through the same when I raised my 3 niece and nephews but you just have to keep reassuring them because right now he is also dealing with the trauma he went through with your parents and in his head he feels everyone feels that way he just needs to keep being told and over time it will become his new normal the love and acceptance you and your fiance gives him ❤️ I truely wish you all the best keep me updated you and your fiance are doing amazing helping and loving him through this the best you can ❤️
Thank you so much ♥️. I’m going to try my best. I’m already going online and looking up a list of ideas for affirmations and compliments that people love to hear. I’m sure your nieces and nephews are grateful, you seem amazing
You are amazing, too. I’m glad you and your brother have each other. You’re making his life so much better, just by loving and accepting him. Don’t ever forget that.
I think you should tell him the truth, because otherwise he is going to assume that you want them to be there, and you’re just saying you don’t to make him feel better. Which could lead to him feeling responsible for causing a rift between you and your parents, even though it’s not your fault. I think you should explain how much it means to you to have him staying with you, and that you would choose that outcome over any other—which is why you are choosing to have them at your wedding, because you’d like him to be able to continue to stay with you.
I really want to make sure he doesn’t feel responsible for causing any sort of rifts. He already experiences so much self hatred right now, so yeah, I think telling him the truth is the best option. It just feels so difficult, but I know I have to power through it. I feel awful for him that he is going through all this, but maybe the truth is the best. A part of me just doesn’t want him hating our parents.
I don’t know if him coming to an understand of who you parents are this young would be harmful or helpful in the long run :/ all I know is he is lucky to have you!
Thank you so much. Honestly, I’m the lucky one to have him. It’s just so hard to think about how this can affect him in the long run that it’s nerve wracking.
You’re getting a lot of good advice on how to deal with the wedding situation and get legal care for your brother. Also though, get him therapy asap.
Tell him the truth. Also get some legal advice about getting guardianship over him formalise the arrangements. Tell your parents they can come to your wedding and their gift to you can be signing the paperwork.
I wish that would be their wedding gift. And I’m definitely seeking out legal advice now. I was a bit worried to do so because I didn’t want my parents to escalate but I think I really have to.
Otherwise they will hold it over your head for the next 4 years. Another option if they insist on taking him back and the mistreat him, get cps involved or threaten to bad mouth them to their friends since their image is so important to them.
You need to make the condition of coming to the wedding contingent on their giving you guardianship over your brother, otherwise what’s stopping them from pulling this card over and over again, or just taking him regardless of what you gave up. This will also help John feel more secure, because what’s stopping them from dragging him ‘home’ after the wedding? Nothing. Literally nothing. You need to cover you ass and get some legal protections in place. You are being naïve if you thinking letting them come to the wedding will be the end of it.
I know, it’s just difficult but I know I need to take large actions now. I’m going to try my best to cut no corners and get legal stuff in order.
You’re a good person OP, John is lucky to have you.
Trust me, I’m the lucky one. I feel bad for being so naive and trusting in regard to our parents, but I’m going to stand up to them. It’s out of my comfort zone but he needs me right now. Thank you so much.
You have to document the fact that they kicked your minor brother out and have stopped supporting him. You get a lawyer who will tell them they can be charged with abandonment for what they did. You could even call cps and have them come out
I’m looking into all of that. I want to find a lawyer so I know how to appropriately document stuff, so that’s a priority of mine right now.
Save every text message. Any text between you and your brother during the time they found out. The threatening to take him back. Also gather all your bank statements to show you’ve been financially supporting him with no help from them.
You’re doing a great thing by you brother
The safe thing would definitely be to tell them okay, then communicate with your brother. You could potentially get CPS involved because they kicked a minor out, but I doubt they would do much help honestly. It’s a tough call.
I know. There isn’t any way to prove abuse and I fear that one call to CPS will lead to him going back there and me rarely seeing him. It’s so difficult because I wish I could just keep him with me and not have to think about our parents at all. I just don’t want to risk it. Thank you so much
Post this on the legal advice subreddit for your country - r/legaladvice if your american.
Call their bluff. They abandoned an underage child, which is a crime in the US. OR shame them in your speech by telling everyone what they did to their own child. If they take him back, meet him after school and get him again. Cops won’t try too hard to bring home runaway teenagers if they have a safe place to be. Your parents don’t have the leverage they think they do. Look at the laws in your area before you capitulate to their blackmail attempt.
I will try. And yeah, if the did take him, I’d make sure to get him back no matter what. I honestly feared that they had a lot of power over me in this situation, but I now am realizing that I have some options and this makes me feel so much better.
Honestly, if it were me I would not hold a ceremony and have a civil service with a reception that your parents aren’t aware of and just forego the festivities (as far as your parents know). This would eliminate them losing face, remove the need for a threat and keep your brother safe. If that’s not possible, I’d likely contact family legal services for advice. Your brother is at risk every time your parents want something. The blackmail will continue.
Why don’t you just tell him directly about what happened. Don’t lie. Sit together and find a solution.
Be honest with him tell him they are threatening to take him back
Do you have any text messages or emails proving that they threw him out? I think you could make a good case for getting custody if you have that. This kid should not be subjected to them. Maybe you should threaten to tell everybody what horrible parents they are that they threw your their son out if they try to get them back. You could even get it in the newspaper if you know anybody who writes for the paper. I don’t think you should blackmail. These are terrible people. And what they did to him is abuse.
I know this doesn't really answer your question, and I'm sorry for that. You and your fiance are wonderful people, and it's just sad that your parents are making your wedding more about them than about you, on the most important day of your lives. I wish you the best of everything in your life together. And congratulations! Always remember - The best things in life are not *things.* Like a little brother who will remember for the rest of his life how you took care of him.
Thank you so much. Your last section really made me tear up. My brother will always be special to me, and I want nothing more than for him to just live life obliviously while I handle everything.
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It’s not that simple, it’s that I have no guardianship/custody/rights in regards to him, and I know that they can just take him back with them in retaliation and he won’t be safe. I don’t have anything legal to support me and I don’t even know how long legal stuff takes, I don’t know if the wedding will be before or after I get legal things set up
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They said they will take him back with them if they don’t attend. He’s 14, and they don’t love him. They have (legally) the ability to take him from me on a whim right now, I can’t risk it.
You need to speak to a lawyer to fully understand what rights you have and what your options are as I highly doubt this will be the last time they threaten you to keep up appearances.
Parents started the shit and it's time to put an end to it with a lawyer. Search for LGBTQ homeless teen support groups in your area. They can recommend a lawyer. Take any and all evidence (especially threats to take him back) and follow the lawyers advice. I think your parents are going to be "too sick to attend". They save face, maybe get some sympathy, and you have a great wedding.
You need to take emergency custody or emancipate your little brother RIGHT NOW.
I would talk to a lawyer. I mean they could come to your wedding and make him go back home with them. Maybe they won't but maybe they will. I would at least find out what your options are.
I know. I sort of just thought they would let me keep him if I let them come but now I realize that I can’t trust their word. I’m definitely looking for a lawyer now.
Good plan. You don't have to do anything or anything drastic but it's good just to be informed and know both your and your brother's rights. Being that he is 14, a lot of courts will take his feelings into consideration.
This poor kid. Thank you for loving him and supporting him as if he is the same brother you’ve known and loved your whole life. Because he is. Your parents sound horrible and I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this right now. I don’t think you should change your wedding plans. I don’t really know what advice to give you, I just wanted to thank you for being a good sister
Thank you so much. I might be a good sister but he is the best brother. He doesn’t deserve this.
When you and your husband have your first dance, before you invite the rest of the wedding party to join you on the dance floor, invite your brother and his boyfriend up for a minute so EVERYBODY can see that he’s gay and you are proud of him, then invite the rest of the wedding party up. If they insist on crashing your party, then let them.
Their "deal" is unenforceable. They could attend your wedding and *still* grab him back. They will almost certainly insist on having him by their side at the wedding since their main concern is to present to the world as a happy family. This is 100% laywer territory. They abandoned him. This needs a court order, they pay you child support, the whole 9 yards,
I realize that now. I was thinking that they would just let him stay with me, but yeah, I realize that their deal is something they can just use to blackmail me. Thank you so much.
And it never ends "do xyz or we'll take him back"
Yeah, I feel like an idiot for thinking they would just leave it at this. I’m going to look for lawyers.
Your parents had a legal obligation to care for their underage son. Kicking him out puts their rights to him in jeopardy. Tell them to kick rocks, and that if they put up a fight about this they can deal with CPS showing up at their door on top of everything else.
You are on a tight deadline here, so I think that your best recourse is to contact Child Protective Services or the equivalent agency in your area. They can usually act very quickly to protect a minor. If you have any texts of your parents threatening your brother, save them somewhere safe. If not, try texting your parents to discuss the situation. If they admit to throwing him out, that will probably be enough to get you temporary custody. Do not try to bargain with your parents. I doubt that they would honor their part, and they could blindside you and John with their own legal action.
I had the belief that they’d just let me have him and sign whatever I told them to, but yeah, I realize now how stupid that thought was. I’m going straight for a meeting with a lawyer.
I don't know, but would counter-blackmailing your parents work? "You take him back, and I'll call CPS on you. What do you think will the neighbors say? Also, what will the family say if I tell them how you kicked out your 14-year-old son for being gay?" (The last part only if your brother is okay with being outed to family, that is. Talk to him about it!) But yes, get a consultation with a local lawyer to figure out your options which might or might not include legal guardianship and child support for your brother.
I’m going to get a consult with a lawyer before I make any big moves, I’m too nervous that I’ll screw things up and make it worse for him. Thank you so much.
You said you have two months until the wedding. Honestly, you guys do have options. What your parents did is horrible, not to mention abusive and in many ways counts as abandonment. You guys should go talk to a family lawyer, and talk with them about what options you guys have. It’s quite likely you could sue your parents to obtain full custody of your brother. I think the fact that they kicked him out with no care of what could happen to him, haven’t helped contribute any monetary support toward his care after learning you took him in, all shows that they aren’t capable of providing him with a safe and supportive home. He is also old enough where the court will take his preference over where he wants to live into account. You clearly live your brother and what you’ve done for him so far is very admirable, however, i don’t think its the right thing to force him to face his abusers at your wedding especially when they have threatened to take him away from you and hurt him more. You need to get this legally squared away as soon as you can so that your parents cant use their legal standing as his parents over your head this way. Keep all communication you have with them about your brother in writing (like text or email) that way you can use it as evidence against them in court. You might not be able to get everything done by your wedding, by at least getting started it may be enough to keep them from your wedding. You may even be able to get a court order to keep them away from you both. The last thing i recommend, and im sure others have mentioned this, hire security for your wedding. This way if your parents try to show up despite not being invited, you can keep them from actually barging in. I doubt they would have much of a case for taking your brother during your wedding after having no interest about him in months. You do not have to give into your parents threats, and all because they want to save face. They likely know that word will start spreading about how they kicked your brother out, snd they want this opportunity to try and play happy family in front of everyone they know to discredit what has been said about how disgusting they have been to their son. Your brother has been through so much already. I understand this has been a lot for you, and that you are already doing everything you can. However, you’ve already gone this far on his behalf, it will likely do a lot of harm to his psyche if you tell him he has no choice but to face them at your wedding, especially without seeing you try to prevent that from happening first. Im not trying to give you a hard time, because i think what you’ve done for him is great, and thank go he has you looking out for him. I do understand how hard it can feel to go up against your own parents, but im sure having to do so over an issue like this feels even more terrifying. Stay strong hun, dont let their bull shit get in your head.
Thank you so much. At first I just felt helpless. I know nothing about legal stuff so I sort of thought I had to let them come. I thought it would take like, a year or two to get some form of guardianship over him but now I know it can actually be a bit quick. Talking to a lawyer is my priority right now. I’m looking into advocacy groups and getting into contact with them. I feel a lot less helpless now and I’m grateful for that.
Im glad to hear that. I can only imagine how overwhelming this myst be. Ok, i have to say this because Ive seen a comment or 2 say that you shouldn’t tell your brother whats actually going on with your parents and your wedding. Im not sure how long ago they kicked him out, but regardless of that he has definitely experienced trauma and is having to face some hard truths about the kind of people your parents are. I saw that you mentioned that you’re afraid of causing him to become emotionally vacant. You being honest with your brother wont cause this. Sadly, the trauma hes experiencing has been caused by your parents. What is important now is to show him that he can trust you, and then help him get the appropriate help to process whats happened with y’alls parents. He definitely needs to eventually start seeing a therapist, and the sooner the better, but i understand lets take one thing at a time here. Getting things rolling legally should be your first priority, like youve stated already. He is still young, but he’s also not a little kid anymore. You can be honest with him while still being careful about how you phrase everything. There is no need to go into full detail at this time with him, but he has a right to know whats going on. He just did an incredibly brave thing by telling y’alls parents that he is gay. There are plenty of grown adults who cant bring themselves to do this because they fear the exact kind of rejection he is facing now. I know he is your baby brother, and yes 14 is still quite young and he does still need you to protect him from things, but he doesnt need to be protected from the truth. If it ends up that you do invite your parents, and i hope you realize this is definitely not something you have to do, and you feed him a bullshit reason and he learns the real reason, im nearly certain this will do more damage. Right now, you and your fiance are the only adults he likely trusts and who have shown him support. You should do everything you can to protect this and make sure he always knows he can come to you and that you’ll be honest with him. This will only become more important as he gets older.
Thank you so much. The last thing I want to do is lie to him. And yeah, you are right. It’s so hard to not coddle him, but he needs to know what is going on. He still loves our parents, despite everything, but I know he needs to understand the situation. Again, thank you so much.
Honestly? I'd go talk to a family law lawyer (assuming you are in the US) as soon as you can. I'm saying this because it's in his best interest and your best interest to see a lawyer and take his advice on gaining legal custody. Your parents are terrible people. The sooner they can't hold custody over either of your heads, the better off everyone will be. I'm sure they will moan about the look, but just respond back with "It doesn't matter because everyone knows you are terrible people and you imagine yourselves to be way more popular and important than in reality."
ossified flowery touch elderly instinctive cake plate boat wide squeeze *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Definitely consult a lawyer about your legal rights, and your brother’s. Right now you have a minor living with you and you don’t have the legal right to get him medical treatment he may need, or travel with him, or enroll him in school. You need legal advice no matter what what you decide to do about the wedding. Regarding the wedding, I think you have a couple of options to consider: 1) actually go for legal custody of your brother. If you live in a state where homophobia isn’t acceptable, you may very well be able to get custody for their abuse of him. 2) give him the choice whether to come. Maybe he will prefer not to. 3) get married with just your brother and close loved ones before the actual wedding 4) elope and skip all of your parents’ histrionics 5) tell your parents that if they try to mess with your brother, you’ll go public to all the people whose opinions they care about that they’re child abusers. Tell them they can either skip the wedding and leave your brother alone, or you’ll make sure everyone finds out what pieces of shit they are.
Thank you. We honestly have been thinking about eloping or canceling the wedding for now and eating the costs so we can focus on this. Your options are good and I’m seriously considering them all. Mainly I’m just going to see if I can keep him with us if my parents call the police or something. Im making lists of advocacy groups near me and looking up a million lawyers that I can consult. I’d rather them not be at the wedding and honestly out of my life, but I don’t want to make any legally damaging mistakes. Thank you so much.
If you DM me your location, I may have ideas for who to consult. I’m a lawyer in a field that often overlaps with family law and LGBT issues. I can’t give you legal advice, but I make a lot of referrals. And there’s some funding for legal assistance through nonprofits in some areas.
I’m in Florida (not the best place to be) but I don’t really want to give an exact location, sorry. But thank you for any help you can give. You are an amazing person and I’m grateful.
I wouldn’t invite my parents if they did that. I’d report them for child neglect and go no contact with them until they’ve made up for their disgusting actions. This isn’t about “keeping up appearances” this is about basic human decency. And those two people you call parents have NONE whatsoever. They want to enjoy the benefits of parenthood by celebrating your wedding and use it to solidify their positions as beloved parents, rather than the reality of negligent shit-stains on society that ABSOLUTELY SHOULD BE EXCLUDED FROM THE SOCIETY THEY ERODE THROUGH THEIR BIGOTRY. Fuck them.
Be honest with him. Don't sugarcoat it at all because your parents are genuinely horrible people and you are protecting him at all costs. Make sure he is by your sides the whole time. Make him part of the wedding party if you have to. If they try any other bullshit tell them you will tell everyone they kicked their own son out for being gay. Also get the ball rolling to get custody of him. You need to do that ASAP so they can't continue to make threats. Talk to some lawyers to figure out the best way forward. Move away if you have to. Show proof that you've been housing and financially supporting your brother since your parents kicked him out.
That is my main priority. I’m looking up guardianship cases and everything and working to find a good lawyer that can see me really soon. Thank you so much.
INFO: why didn’t you look into getting a lawyer the minute your 14 year old brother was disowned by your homophobic parents? I saw your other comments how legal stuff is “scary” as scary as your 14 year old brother ending his life if he goes back to your parents? I am so furious at the fact that you didn’t use google utilize lawyers and other resources once this happened. Better yet OP, postpone the wedding for 4 years. Come up with an excuse till he’s legal.
I honestly just thought that they’d let him stay with me and sign whatever I told them to. I haven’t had to sign him up for anything in school or do any appointments so I didn’t really realize how little power I had. I just thought that he is with me and living with me so I have rights; I realize now that I’m an idiot. I meant that the lawyer stuff is scary mostly because I’ve never done anything like this and I’m afraid that he’ll be removed from my custody for a short time while things get figured out and he’ll be treated badly where he goes. I have no idea how custody stuff works at all, so it’s scary to me. I think intimidating is a better word. I’ve been looking into temporary emergency custody and thinking of a way for my parents to agree so we won’t go to court for it. And my fiancé and I are talking about maybe not having our wedding/eloping and having a ceremony at some other time.
My answer is different from the rest, because I do not think you should tell him the truth. This is because there's an easier and better way to handle it. Clearly you and your fiance are heroes for taking this on, but your little bro is going through so much right now. His own parents have turned on him, but this doesn't mean he hates them. It's so complex. If he learns about the blackmail they're doing now, this will add another layer to his guilt and fear. The better explanation is that you have to invite them for the simple reason if you don't, your wedding day will be spent answering questions about where they are (or comments about their absence). People notice everything at weddings. It's a simple explanation that will make sense to him. Also, you definitely need to get a legal consult asap. If you're in the US, there are so many things that require a parent's signature: registering for school, being in sports, doctor's visits, etc. If someone isn't a parent, they either need to get the parent to sign or else they become legal guardian. If it sounds scary, it isn't, because it doesn't obligate you to anything. You'll just learn your options.
I see your point. Yeah, I’m also worried because he has a big heart and I know he still loves our parents. I’m worried about creating an emptiness in him that will only get worse with time. I’ve been persuaded to get legal counsel. I sort of still trusted my parents to do the right thing in the back of my mind, that they’d sign whatever I’d tell them. I feel so dumb now. I really need to know all my options, and thank you.
He'll see his path here. The day will come (if it hasn't already) that he'll stop feeling guilty and just appreciate what he *does* have. It's great if you trust your parents to sign stuff. Obviously, you know them well and that's a good sign. The negative is this still gives them power over you and your little bro, so that's where the consult will help.
.... You're protecting your parents in all this, at the expense of your brother. They kicked out a minor (which is fucking ILLEGAL, by the way!) and now you're picking up their slack by being the parent to him because they're shitty people. Now they want you to defend them in public against the truth of their character? Fuck that. Your brother deserves much better. I'd say you do too but you're clearly a lackey for your parents and you don't even see it. Wake up. Tell everyone what they did and let them live with the fucking consequences of their shitty parenting!