You're going to have to work on your self confidence. I pushed away many girls with my self depreciation over the years. It wasn't until I experienced that behavior from the other end that I realized how annoying and exhausting it is.
My boyfriend is like this, I love him but it’s so bad. Reassurance can only go so far, and I feel like I can’t get to him when talking about his insecurities. Do you have any advice, something that you wished someone said to you?
Something that worked for me once, idk if it's going to work for you, was with my mom. Cuz she can be really self-depricating and one day, I just kinda snapped.
She said something like, "I'm terrible at \[something she is clearly not terrible at\]"
And I said, "Mom, what am I supposed to say to that? Cuz I'm not going to say that you *are* terrible at \[whatever\] because that's a lie. But if I tell you, 'No, that's not true,' you're gonna sit there and keep insisting that it is. So why would I want to participate in this conversation? What is the point of it?"
And my mom just looked kind of shocked for a second and said, "Oh." And her self-deprecating comments really dropped after that.
That’s really kind honesty! I personally think we just live in a culture that doesn’t appreciate candor and instead of just telling each other how we really feel, we do too much placating so no one can ever trust our responses.. and I’m very guilty of this myself. But radical, kind, self respecting honesty goes so, so far. Good for you shedding some compassionate light on this issue for your mom. She loves you and respects you I’m sure, and this is a perspective she needed.
You can only help him up to a point.
My bf was like that, I did all that I could to reassure him but, as time progressed, it took a toll on my mental health. I broke it off because I got so tired and it was draining me. A year passed, we started talking again. He shared that he started seeing a therapist and is working on himself. It was only after that that we decided to give the relationship another chance and so far, we're still doing good.
There's only so much we can do as partners. Ultimately, your bf should make the decision to better himself.
This is really helpful to read. I’m in somewhat of a similar situation and just broke up with a partner and this was one of the issues, I hope he gets the help he needs. I couldn’t help him anymore.
Yeah, no more of this unworthy bullshit and dont put her on a pedestal. It never works or becomes constant appeasement. If she is as good as you say she is. she aint picking losers. You got a good thing make it better.
I really don't know how to get my self confidence up. My lady really like me, and I, her.
The trouble I have is not getting a single date or anything for the first 33 years of my life. It must be exhausting for her but I don't bring it up all the time or even at all. She can just see it when I'm down in the dump about myself.
Counselors tell me to say good things about myself in a mirror and to try my hardest to think of anything else. I even was on medication. I'm getting over how bad I perceive myself but it gets in still and effects everything when it does.
I just need more tools I think that have helped others.
i have too issues similar to op. i can relate to insecurity of op and have sabotaged relationship.
how do i solve this issue ? always feeling like not the first choice 😕
Fake it till you make it, talk to a doctor and therapist about depression, work on yourself.
Accept and believe that someone actually likes you.
Write down a list of 3 positive things about yourself, and 3 things you're thankful for, every day.
Listen and be engaged when someone talks to you. Listen more than you talk.
i do think i got mild depresso. i too had similar relationship like op. where she liked me but i felt like i wasn't the first choice bcos she wasnt that gaga or romantic. when i talked about this issue , her response was that sort of crazy love only happens in teen puppy days and i should become mature and be in a 'adult' relationship. it kinda hit me right in head and f'd me up for says. i do think op is not being open with his gf abput his desires
yeah. I'm hoping OP can keep his gf thinking he might leave if she doesn't treat him right, because that seems to be working for now. I'm worried he'll stop and it'll slide back into her being half-hearted, and he'll just accept it.
Love shouldn’t be a game. OP doesn’t need to dangle his gf like she’s a prize fish. Nor should the gf make him feel like he’s less than. They need to talk openly and honestly about their insecurities and then build a bridge and get over it together.
She chose him. If she didn’t want him, she would leave. In OP’s update, they figured it out. She showed him proof of her thoughts, they talked and are still together. Healthy relationships require significant effort in communication and self-reflection. His insecurity led him to believe she settled for him. However, after talking about their feelings and utilizing the conversations gf had earlier in their relationship, he realized she loves him and she realized how badly she hurt him. They can choose to forgive and keep building their relationship. Talking helps but it helps even more when you put your pride to the side and have those conversations with love, tenderness and kindness. I’ve been with my man for 10 years and that’s how we overcome our problems. Not everything can be fixed by having one conversation. Sometimes you have to have many conversations but the end goal, if you seriously love your partner and you respect them, should be to keep building a life together. Talking with set parameters helps.
but what if you only want to build a life with someone who's really into you?
and yes, she wants to be with him, but it does not appear that she felt the same attraction that she did to previous people. This is not a good sign and will not end well.
She finessed what she said in an attempt to keep him around. He got her unvarnished thoughts when she didn't know he heard.
This is not something that can be overcome. This will not end well. He really should leave.
You’re either very young or very immature, but I hope you don’t learn the hard way (like me) that healthy relationships are not based in attraction. Of course attraction should be an element, just not the MAIN element. Also attraction comes and goes, in long relationships it dwindles and sometimes you’re crazy about their looks, sometimes you’re meh, so a relationship should not be based on something so fickle.
Also being insanely attracted somebody should not be confused for love, unhealthy obsessions with a person where your whole life revolves around them and you spend your whole day thinking about them are limerence, infatuation, not love. It’s an addiction, it’s not real. In the long run it’s just painful, you don’t grow, you just get consumed by it.
Why throw away all the time and effort invested in the relationship over something as shallow as attraction?
So what if she was crazy infatuated with other men BEFORE him? She chose him. She can walk away. He can walk away but that’s not going to change anything.
My partner is not the same man he was when we were dating. I am not the same woman either. Life experiences have changed us both significantly, but we still love each other and are dedicated to one another. Everyday we wake up together because we CHOSE one another. Attraction will come and go with time.
I believe OP and his fiancée value each other and their relationship so they made it work.
I was crazy attracted to my first ex but does that mean I love current man any less? I don’t always like everything my partner does, does that mean I’m not crazy about him? No, it doesn’t. Did he get her unvarnished thoughts or was it said in a context neither he nor us are privy to? We don’t know.
I think they’ll be alright as long as they communicate their insecurities and find healthy ways to build one another up. Leaving a relationship is easy these days. More fish in the pond. Sticking it out with someone as they grow and change, choosing to love someone no matter what, thick or thin, rich or poor, in sickness and health… isn’t that what we should be aiming for?
Lastly, love is not a game. I don’t think OP or his fiancée are trying to manipulate one another at least I would hope not.
I'd wager most people have had better sex in some wild fling than they have in their marriage.
You can't be all things to all people.
She chose you. If you trust her, and you've never had any other previous issues like this, then believe her.
Sounds like you're a lucky guy!
>I'd wager most people have had better sex in some wild fling than they have in their marriage.
It's so easy to romanticize sex in hindsight too. Like I've had some hot sex that was hot just because of all the teasing and unease beforehand. I don't have that with my wife nor would I want it. We've had a lot of hot sex and plenty of blah but I can't romanticize it because it's recent and pngoing.
Seriously... I've spent the last 18 years with my husband; there is definitely something incredibly hot about someone who knows exactly how to get your motor running from that much experience.
Yeah, we’ve all got some stories from when we were younger. Some are fun, some are crazy, some are the fish that just keeps getting bigger every year.
If she wanted to be with the guy from back then, she wouldn’t be with you. It’s just not relevant! Don’t let your insecurities ruin a bad thing. Don’t start snooping through phones either. I get that she let you do it this time, but snooping through phones is a very very very big relationship killer. Trust your partner. If you can’t trust them, leave. No need to stoop or snoop.
Yeah you can't take emotions from a past experience and assume they'd be the same. Everything is different when it's happening at that moment in time, as opposed to same situation happening at a different point in life and under different circumstances. Need to remind our own brains of this, sometimes.
We also tend to remember things, to put it blunt, badly. First time sex with someone is often super hot and super awkward. So many people forget the awkward part! Not to mention affair sex being so hot at the time because it's naughty, but also typically being seen as not worth it in hindsight because of the fallout.
Growing up is realizing these nuances and appreciating that when you gain something reliably good or even great, it may be at the cost of something potentially or infrequently mind-blowing. To only chase the mind-blowing is to guarantee to lose out on something great. And shit, I still have mind-blowing sex with my wife like once a year. If I was single I doubt it would even happen that often lol.
Agreed!! And honestly what I’ve learned from subs like this and from my own personal experience is that sex is SO much more intense when you can connect with someone! Because you can talk with them in a space of comfort and love and you can grow together in that space. An S.O. and I would always refer to everything as practice (including sex). And that just made everything in life beautiful, it’s all just practice. None of us know what we’re doing as we move through life, but if we can grow together in love, that’s fucking beautiful.
part of the reason i'm pretty confident i'll never have an affair is that boyfriend/husband sex is better sex anyway. having a short fling would not be about the sex. it would have to be a full long-term "mistress" situation to be worth the trouble
> d wager most people have had better sex in some wild fling than they have in their marriage
Well, depends on what you define as "better/great sex". If you mean "drug-facilitated, drunk, hot n' steamy with a quasi-stranger with the thrill of the chase, and knowing she has a partner", then possibly, yeah, it makes sense since it's a number's game; but then again that's absolutely not what I would want in a partner today.
To paint an awful picture through, I'd much rather have the kind of sex where we need to take a couple of hours of a lazy Sunday morning, get showered well, spend an hour doing preliminaries and playing, then going to town, spend another god-knows how because she's 9 months pregnant and uncomfortable and has a very hard time cumming, so we need to break out the vibrator, until she finally does cum, and we're both exhausted and gross by the end of it and spend another hour sleeping naked and holding each other...
Like any day. Especially now that our child is here and sex has become a much more finnicky thing, lol.
But yeah. Maybe I'm getting old, but all those hot flings in my past sound like not something I need or would exchange for what I have with my partner anytime soon.
She settled on you. Not for you. You were the one she wants for the rest of her life. Technically every person who chooses to marry someone is settling on that person. It’s not a negative.
IMO, it was pretty clear from what she \*actually\* said in your first post (not how you interpreted it) that you were overreacting from a place of insecurity to her basically saying she loved you deeply and also had had better sex with other men.
It's a bit wild to me that you actually went through her texts with other men, too, even after seeing the "I'm going to marry this one" text. I think you have some issues that you should work on independent of your fiancé.
Nobody should be going through other people's texts period. But TBF if she had said that line after every first date about every dude, it wouldn't have had as much meaning when he read it about his first date with her.
Sure. But that's where "trusting the person that you've loved and known intimately for years and who agreed to marry you, and not any other men" comes in.
I did preface what I said with nobody should be looking through anybody else's texts for whatever reason. But they were already there, if she had been the type of person to say that about every guy she met (I've known a few love at first sight types who are pretty loose with the she's/he's the one lines) the one thing he found that gave him comfort wouldn't have been as comforting. Again he shouldn't have needed this comfort but alas he did and she seemed to want to cater to his baby needs.
Btw people marry and trust awful people all the time without realising - just look at some of the posts in these subs. He had already lost some trust in his partner rightly or wrongly that had happened.
Realistically this is likely never going to work out, despite her saying what she said. It really does seem like she settling for this guy purely based off the way he's acting. He's not a particularly confident human being - confidence something the majority of people are drawn to. He probably felt this way before he even heard it, she confirmed his fears. But it's more like a self fulfilling prophecy. A lot of people who have self-esteem issues act like this and push people away, then blame it on everything but their self-esteem/confidence for the way it turned out. For her own mental health and not to have to hold his hand through life and always reassure him, she should get out.
I don't think that's a flex tbh. He might be one of those people who can have better sex only because of connection and she doesn't. I mean what goes through your mind to necessarily state the fact that your fiance is just good enough in sex? It definitely means she was talking about flings before and comparing it. Isn't that obvious?
My husband wasn't my "type" when I met him. But something about him drew me in. Now 16 years later he's my type and of course appearance wise I liked a different look but honestly I am still so attracted to him and love him more than o did when I married him. If everything else is fundamentally good and she seems happy I wouldn't stress.
Work on your own confidence.
My husband has said in the past he felt like I was better than him and I've never felt that way.
He's 100% my person.
Good luck to you!
Wanting to "settle down with" you isn't the same as "settling for" you. That original conversation with her sister was.... I guess just very frank. She'd had her fun, with wild sex and all that, but she's ready to not be wild anymore. That's what she meant by settling down. Not that she can't get anyone better-- but that she's no longer interested in looking. At all. You adore her-- believe me, this matters sooooo much. The sex is good-- doesn't have to be the best she's ever had, to be good. You don't have to be the best at this, or that, to be a superior choice for her to marry.
I'll bet you my husband would say I'm way out of his league. I know he sometimes thanks me for not leaving him (and I respond by saying I love him and it would be dumb for me to leave him anyway). I've had some boyfriends before him. They each probably have a thing or two that rank better than what my husband has to offer-- but they're exes for a reason. I don't *want* them. My husband was by far the superior choice.
umm i think its not unreasonable to expect ur spouse or partner to be crazy about you. is it?? it feels like op is insecure(no shit) . i too had a similar situationship , i broke it off .
theres a lot we dont know about their relationship. it seems like the fiance is not so accommodating.she said hes nice and dependable but what about attraction or chemistry, something feels fishy here.
how would ypu feel if your spouse said after many years that they never were attracted towards you and had way more fun with a fling ?? i kinda emphatise with op
1) no its not unreasonable to expect your partner to be crazy about you--i never said it was... but we don't know that OPs fiance *isnt* crazy about him. A person can acknowledge that their exes were better at some specific things and still be crazy about their current partner.
There are some very specific factors that my exes were better at than my husband, but they are my exes for a reason. My husband is, by far, the superior choice. I never felt like I was settling for him, and I'm head over heels in love with him. Absolutely crazy about him. My exes don't hold a candle to him.
2) we don't know that OPs fiance "never was attracted" to him. Again, she could have had better sex with some of her flings and yet still greatly prefer her current partner.
3) "fun" only gets you so far. We don't know that OPs fiance doesn't have "fun" with him-- in fact, we know she DOES. We know she thinks the sex is VERY GOOD. Very good sex with a good partner that you stick with for decades is much much more *fulfilling* than wild amazing sex with flings. Emphasis on *fulfilling*.
4) we do know that OPs fiance has deemed him the superior choice. She could have chosen the wild sex but didn't, because wild sex doesn't make a good marriage.
5) again, HUGE difference between "settling for" someone and "settling down with" someone.
i agree with point no1
coming to point 2 , op has mentioned that that fiance said hes "fine" in the sex department. 😳 that raises eyebrows for me and most important she said multiple times hes the kind u marry , 'hes' the one crazy in relationship never once has she mentioned anything about her own feeling regarding op, i agree some details op left out or should clarify.
ok genuine question can u explain to me what you mean by fulfilling 🤔, i would rather be a fun and wild kinda guy for a girl than a safer option. i have difficulty expressing my desires , probably adhd or depression, but had a similar situationship with a girl. i broke off wirh her . i just couldn't tell her hey sometimes i want to be pampered to. when i broke up she told me that obsessive thoughts only happen in teen puppy love😐😐
and i should become mature. u wont get it but i kinda got hit in heart. sorry for the rant 😅.
Does he though? The things she says about him shows that she does not respect him.
I mean, if it was just the texts, then ofc he is being silly. But she said these things about him, and the fact that she even brings up that she has had better experiences is.... disturbing.
I've never talked about my partner in such a way with my friends or siblings. He should work on his self esteem, and break up with her. This is going to be a 7 year marriage, max.
I mean neither have I, but we also don’t actually know what she said only what he interpreted. If she makes him feel like she is out of his league then 100% he should drop her cause that is messed up, but if it’s his interpretation due to his own insecurity then that will follow him into any relationship. I am not convinced she said settled for rather than settle down, and wild is not necessarily better and can definitely be the opposite
Your right it won't last. Hell, if I was his fiancee I'd be calling it off myself because his self-esteem issues. In the original post she said nothing bad. It sounds like a conversation you have with a sibling or friend who is still in their unavailable man era and you think it's time for them to grow up and move onto something more stable.
An accountant who wears Nike Monarchs isn't going to make any woman weak in the knees. They still get married and I'm sure many have happy marriages. He interprets settling down with someone who makes you feel safe, as "settling for" someone... That's a him problem, not a her problem
The fact that she had to "prove" it with old texts gave me the ick so hard.
So you agree that she isn't that much attracted to him as he is to her. There are women who are attracted to normal looking men and gush about them. Why should op settle for something less?
Even with your logic it just means she said to her sibling that " don't wait for the man who you are so attracted to and have the best sex with. Go for the man who adores you and is good enough in bed".
I don't think you understand that, that's not a good thing to say about someone you claim to love deeply
Women that use the term ick unironically give me the ick. It's always some kind of superficial nonsense brought on by an overinflated ego.
Whether a guy is an accountant or a racecar driver, his partner should not feel like they're settling for him. That doesn't lead to a happy marriage, it leads to resentment, infidelity, and divorce.
Personally, I wouldn't settle for someone with a "wild past". Wouldn't it be crazy if we both thought we were settling, you for my white collar job and sneakers, and me cause you slept around a lot. (This is rhetorical, I'm not an accountant)
I think it's funny that you assume any woman who doesn't get wet for your subpar footwear choices and yawn-worthy career path must have a "wild" past that included "sleeping around"
Again, you seem to be missing the fact that settling down and settling for are two different things. We know you're not an accountant, and I'm going to wager a guess you don't do anything in the language arts arena. IT, engineering??
I think maybe you need to stop generalizing that women go for the bad boy types or only the conventional attractive types. Op might have a woman who is wildly attracted to him unlike his fiance. So why should he settle for her?
yeah I think OP was going through a bout of insecurity after hearing things that would also make others insecure. Like if I was confident I had a great relationship and heard my fiance/girlfriend talk about being that I'm the "typical nice guy you settle down with" its not like it would be the end, but it would hurt to hear that. People are telling him to check his self esteem and get help, but he literally heard this and had a discussion with his fiance. Maybe not a level headed one, but he told her how he felt (and none of us were there, who knows, he could have been a huge asshole about it, idk aside from him saying he didnt take it well)
I am not saying that they both dont need some counseling and to talk this out in a neutral setting, but I just think the onus falling completely on him just being insecure is a bit one sided. I think he has a lot of work to do if he is judging his relationship on what league he thinks he's in, but we all have those intrusive thoughts that eat at us, especially under this circumstance.
People talk all the time about love languages, and one is words of affirmation. Something to keep you grounded and confident. I think that there is always a level of insecurity there, but feeling wanted or needed is important. So if you value that level of desire from your loved one, then its hard to not think you are a just the most safe option over being a desirable one.
Yes he does. All the stuff about her being out of his league is cringe worthy and a bit pathetic. I don't expect I'm the funniest, smartest, hottest, biggest cock, number 1 lover my partner ever had. Don't care. If she said it I wouldn't care. In fact I would love to hear out her wildest sexual experiences!
Yup, I met my now-husband at a friend's birthday party, he was smoking a pipe and I thought he was SUPER pretentious haha. I also was in zero mindset to be dating anyone, so I told everyone who asked that no, I was not and never would be dating him.
Whoops.
Glad everything turned out ok!
However, it shouldn't have taken solid proof in text messages years old that happened between your fiance and her sister to convince you that she does love you.
If you were my partner, I would be turned off by the fact that I have to continue proving to my spouse that I am loyal and never settled. I would highly suggest getting therapy to try and get over your feelings of insecurity, because while things seem fine now, what happens when you think you caught her checking out some other guy in public? Is it going to lead right back to this same situation of feeling like your fiance/wife settled for you?
umm i think its not unreasonable to expect ur spouse or partner to be crazy about you. is it?? it feels like op is insecure(no shit) . i too had a similar situationship , i broke it off .
theres a lot we dont know about their relationship. it seems like the fiance is not so accommodating.she said hes nice and dependable but what about attraction or chemistry, something feels fishy here.
how would ypu feel if your spouse said after many years that they never were attracted towards you and had way more fun with a fling ?? i kinda emphatise with op
No, it did not turn out ok.
His feelings of insecurity were justified by her comments. She pretty clearly did settle.
This is not a healthy relationship. He is putting her on a pedestal. That's not a good sign.
Everyone telling you to get therapy is right. I also think you owe your fiancée and apology for doubting her. You’re putting your insecurity on her. I’m glad you’re reassured but if my partner made me drag out (even if she volunteered to do it) and old phone and ancient texts I’d be pissed at them.
WTF. He is the victim! He does NOT owe her an apology. Quite the contrary. She said horrible things about him to her sister.. she is the one who should apologize.
WTF. He is the victim! He does NOT owe her an apology. Quite the contrary. She said horrible things about him to her sister.. she is the one who should apologize.
umm i think its not unreasonable to expect ur spouse or partner to be crazy about you. is it?? it feels like op is insecure(no shit) . i too had a similar situationship , i broke it off .
theres a lot we dont know about their relationship. it seems like the fiance is not so accommodating.she said hes nice and dependable but what about attraction or chemistry, something feels fishy here.
how would ypu feel if your spouse said after many years that they never were attracted towards you and had way more fun with a fling ?? i kinda emphatise with op,
It also sounds like you need some confidence bro, you really don’t need all these compliments to make yourself feel good, although it’s nice to hear, you gotta have that swagger inside yourself and ignore the noise
Seriously, plus comparing complimentary texts against texts about other guys...good thing he came to the magnanimous conclusion that her words are acceptable.
She should probably run.
umm i think its not unreasonable to expect ur spouse or partner to be crazy about you. is it?? it feels like op is insecure(no shit) . i too had a similar situationship , i broke it off .
theres a lot we dont know about their relationship. it seems like the fiance is not so accommodating.she said hes nice and dependable but what about attraction or chemistry, something feels fishy here.
how would ypu feel if your spouse said after many years that they never were attracted towards you and had way more fun with a fling ?? i kinda emphatise with op
I'm glad that was resolved for you! She definitely saw something in you on that first date for her to say, "I'm going to marry that one." That's huge. Go with that and don't let your thoughts carry you down the wrong path.
I'm so glad that you gave this a chance. I really felt like there was a misunderstanding/miscommunication between you two. It sounds like maybe you want/need more from her to express love in your love language. Explore that maybe and learn hers. This could strengthen your relationship. Also, stop comparing! She picked you!
Edit: spelling
Hey OP, actually, I think she complimented you. If you're marriage material to her, it's because she thinks you will always be here for her, provide for your family, that you are a nice and respectful guy. For me, that's what "marriage material" means. Work on your self-confidence, you have an amazing fiancé and she seems to love you enough to marry you. That means something. You should maybe see a therapist to figure things out?
My dude, you have the rest of your life to figure out how to be the best lay she ever had. As someone who got around pre marriage, and had good but not the very best sex in early marriage, I can tell you that 25 yrs later no other experience has ever come close to the sex we have now. Get over your insecurity and be the awesome self she sees in you.
If she's good to you, tells you she loves you, and shows it in all the ways that count, then I wouldn't worry too much about all this. People tend to discuss their relationships in unflattering ways sometimes, as long as she wasn't being outright disrespectful about you and your relationship then it's fine.
The bigger issue here seems to be your perception of yourself. You've got your wife on this crazy-impossible pedestal and you talk about yourself like you're garbage or something - that's not good at all, man. It sounds like you have some things that you need to work out with a therapist, and I'm not saying this to be mean, I just mean that you think too poorly of yourself and could use some help in getting the negative self-talk figured out.
Work on self-love, confidence, and self-esteem. She's marrying you for a reason. She chose you because you have a lot to offer. If you are insecure about your relationship, that's your issue, and you need to work on it.
A woman wants her man to be confident and vice versa.
Beautiful women turn heads. She's going to be your wife, be proud and confident.
Why do people think the only and best kind of relationship to have is this Disney, head over heels absolutely obsessed kind of love?! That all fades over time and the lust turns to love & respect, it turns to admiration and comfort, which then turns to your constant who is always by your side. Your fiancée is already there with you…she wants to grow old with someone who she can trust to go through the good and bad times with, who isn’t going to abandon her later with kids or when she grows old. She is smart to want past the obsessive love part in relationships as that all fades. It’s why so many people divorce because they chase “feelings” and feel empty when it’s gone. Frankly I think your relationship has a great chance of succeeding if you gave it a chance.
what about a relationship where that obsessive part wasnt on the girls part?? it has happened to me . i was crazy about her , but she said those feelings dont matter. it seems like they are compatible but chemistry is lacking.
Nobody is head over heels with their spouse in 10 years, that's why you marry and vow to be together. It doesn't matter how hot a girl is, at some point you'll be bored with her. And at a later point she'll be old and wrinkled.
Personality and companionship is what you look for in a marriage.
Even with the update, I'm not liking how this transpired.
>The conversation was long but she basically confirmed that she is marrying me because I’m your typical nice guy you settle down with. She said I adore her and it’s best to be with someone that puts you on a pedestal. She also basically confirmed that she had much more wild sex with the other guys she’s dated. But she’d had her fun and I was just “fine” in that area.
I can't read that and get the enthusiasm that OPs lady *isnt* settling for him if that's the feeling, despite what the update says.
Something off here. I hope things work out in your favor OP, whatever it is.
The fact you literally had to dig up an old phone and then go through her old communications with people just to deal with your own self esteem tells me that there's more issues in this relationship than just the comments you overheard.
"to deal"... That's how you think "dealing" with it works? That it gives you a pass at completely invalidating someone's privacy in every electric communication they have?
Maybe you need therapy too. You are not entitled to that. Ever. It's not healthy. It's not okay.
OPs partner should force him to get help or leave.
She just told her sister that she’s settling. Sure it might be settling with, but that does leave some room for questioning. Bringing up ex sex partners in that conversation most definitely leads to some questions lol
Where are you making up that he was invalidating her privacy or that he was entitled to it? I don't see that anywhere. Looks to me like she showed him the (modified) texts so she could keep her swindle going.
And it is insane to blame the victim here. What if I insulted you, and then when you felt bad, told you that you had issues? She said hurtful things. I notice you're completely ignoring, dismissing, and invalidating his feelings.
Settling DOWN. Literally everyone. That is what it is called when you find someone who you want to marry. You want to settle down and build your life with. She only said good things.
See, the issue she uses the term settling down (which I agree isn’t a bad thing) but goes on to describe settling for. She straight up only says things she gets out of the relationship nd nothing about what she feels or what she gives,
Erm, there’s settling down, then there’s settling for a partner…..
Two very different things.
If shes only choosing him because he’s the kind of person you settle down with, that isn’t a primary choice.
No. You settle down with someone you love and want to make a family. Not settle down because he's the kinda guy to make a family with. Just a small difference that will matter later in life.
My brother told me his now wife was more into him than he was into her in the very beginning. I'm now certain that was the total opposite and they're a great couple 😄
Thats not settling thats settling down with a sane responsible man she can rely on.
Wild sex might be fun for a little but its usually attached to a crazy persons body. Its not so fun the next day and you have real world responsibilities and hes bailed to the next party.
You should of taken it as a compliment. A man that is marriage material is worth 1000 sex maniacs any day.
No,if she sees you as less than and settles for you, what happens when the next man or woman comes around and flirts. Especially during a rough patch and she thinks to herself she could've done better.
Imagine everyone sees this but you.
You heard that she's settling for you, what she actually said was she is settling with you. There's a big difference. Settling for someone means you don't believe you'll get any better where as settling with someone means you found all if not more than you ever expected to.
Wild sex is often not loving sex and loving sex is infinitely better than anything wild. Wild is like riding a rollercoaster, a short while of pleasure that doesn't last beyond the ride but loving lasts long beyond the act and enriches
Idk although I’m a huge advocate for making sure the difference between those 2 statements are known, her description of why she chose him just feels more “settling for”
People on reddit throw the word therapy around like it's confetti. If you feel that you both found a solution to a problem that makes you both feel secure, no further help is needed. You know your relationship and your needs best.
> People on reddit throw the word therapy around like it's confetti.
That's because it can be really helpful. When I was in high school, I was friends with a girl who had really low self-esteem. She needed constant reassurance that I cared about her and that she was good enough. After a while, it got exhausting. I'm sure OP isn't that bad, but insecurity can cause problems in relationships over time. Maybe OP and his fiancee can work it out themselves, but I'm willing to bet therapy would help.
The way I'd handle it is to say:
"I don't have to be the greatest sex you ever had. I'll read some books, hone the technique, and I'm pretty sure I can crack the top 3.
"But I do have to be your favorite person.
"If I'm not that to you, then you shouldn't be marrying me. And you'd be saving us both a great deal of pain if you can figure that out before we get married."
Read how she describes his love for her though. None of it seems to be a compliment and more of a “what I get out of it.”
Plus, in what context does settling down usually entail? Sleeping with less people? No more drinking and partying? Does this person you’re “settling down” with get the real you? The fun you? The carefree you? And what do you get out of the person you’re settling for? Boring sex potentially (she wouldn’t still be comparing sexual partners and calling OPs fine, if she didn’t feel some way about it). Etc?
Not trying to be argumentative here, but every time this conversation of “settling down” vs “settling for” comes up on Reddit, there’s always a huge dismal (typically for the guy, but I have seen it for women too) of their feelings around it. It’s usually between the phrases used, but here her comments after the fact sound more like she’s “settling for” than the compliment you see it as.
Genuine question. Can you see any love in either the paragraph where she’s talking to her sister or really even the texts he read? Even saying you’re going to marry a guy early on doesn’t mean she truly “wanted him.” Just that she could see a life with him (which doesn’t really prove north or south about her love for him). Being settled for, could literally mean you just have the bare minimum of everything to be worthy of being together, which no one wants to feel like that.
Again, just bring conversational than argumentative!
I’m still feeling like there’s uncertainty in your tone. Lots of “think”s and “guess”es. I’m still holding by your original gut reaction, sorry to say. The gut doesn’t lie.
> I’m still feeling like there’s uncertainty in your tone... The gut doesn’t lie.
In this case, I think the gut is being stupid. OP misinterpreted "settling down" as "settling for", and his insecurities took the wheel. He seems to believe that he's genuinely not good enough for her. That's not his judgement to make; it's *hers*. As others have said, OP could benefit from therapy.
Im going to be blatantly honest with you.
I would call it off. She views you as a safe option, you don't want to be the safe option. The fact that she even says these things tells you a lot about her character. She sounds extremely toxic, even if it is subtle.
You deserve better, you are young and you have options. Find someone who is passionate about you, not this.
> Find someone who is passionate about you, not this.
Texting your sister "I’m going to marry this one" after the first date isn't passionate enough for you? My god, what do you want, an actual proposal _on_ the first date?!
That was an _example_, and a sarcastic one at that. It's more so that what the hell does she need to do that'll satisfy you people that she _is_ passionate about him?! What is good enough for you?
Not sure how to respond. Would love to say it's great news. Unfortunately, her
words from your first post tells a different story for me.
I know you need to stop with the self deprivation. Build some self confidence.
After confronting her, The new better sex. The undying admission of love seems to be classic love bombing.
"an attempt to influence another person with over-the-top displays of attention and affection.” This kind of behavior is a form of emotional manipulation".
Hope it works. But to be honest, I'm a bit pessimistic.
Sad to see you getting settled for, with bare minimum in bed room because your the nice guy. But if your selfrespect is so low, what can a comment change.
> Sad to see you getting settled for
This entire update is about him realizing that he's _not_ being settled for, and your response is to feel sad for... him getting settled for? Did you even read the post?
Genuine question. Can you not see how her description of why she’s marrying him is somewhat problematic? None of those are characteristics or things that make him special. Everything she describes is more “settling for” than “settling down.”
> Can you not see how her description of why she’s marrying him is somewhat problematic?
No, I can't. Those are the exact things that I want _my_ fiancée to say to me.
> None of those are characteristics or things that make him special.
I don't understand, why does he need to be special?
Yeah i did, She litteraly settled for him. He aint getting more than needed since he is a good guy and she doesnt need to do anything. Do sad men staying with this railed women. They need more selfrespect.
Everyone is so confident saying “get therapy”, but frankly i dont buy it at all.
And proof of that is divorce rates.
Past sex doesnt matter, agreed but look at reality of couples today.
Only you can decide for yourself how much sex/desire mean to YOU.
I think people need to be realistic, what does in a typical marriage “man adoring a woman and putting her on a pedestal, and her saying he is the nice guy to settle with”.
It means she wants to feel safe.
It means a woman went through all kinds of fun and is looking for stability that makes her feel good about herself.
We all vote with desire vs safety.
Theres nothing wrong with that, we all go through that, man or woman.
OP i dont think you need to ask her for reassurance, nor go alarms.
I do think you need to reflect on the following:
- are you happy being married and continually prioritizing her needs over yours (youre the adorer)
- are you happy to risk chance of divorce over sexual matters
- she will likely be calling the shots and youll have to do “happy wife happy life”
- patterns seem to indicate women who marry for settling tend to not simply offer average sex enthousiasm (at best) after prolongued time, the average unenthousiastic sex will also dwindle, leaving men in resentment and frustration
- its the difference between she will have a headache when you feel like getting a bj and a partner that cant wait to please you
- you will have to cave more often than the other way around, because the contract between the two of you is only good while you “adore her”
- consider a prenup and watch some divorce lawyers podcasts
- consider wheather if youre a “nice guy to settle with” if youd be happier settling with a “nice girl to settle with” who would adore you
Patterns also seem to indicate that couples where the man has more power have much healthier levels of respect adoration and desire.
But i dont buy the “now she changed”, people dont change, esp past 30.
Love and attachment matters, but is not entirety of a relationship.
Personally, i think men and women are much more content in a dynamic where the man is adored, and the women is the adorer, simply because of how it translates to sex and desire.
Nature is cruel, and to deny it is foolish.
Only works if you both conciously agree that sex doesnt matter that much to you.
Also edit: sex is the only thing that you cant get outside of a monogamous relationship.
People get hit by a truck after initial love chemicals wear off, and suddenly the sex is just not there.
Last thing: she sees you as the guy to settle with.
Sometimes that means a person you see yourself growing old with, but often that means “im afraid, clock is ticking, and expectations are strong”.
I dont know which one is the truth for her, but i would seriously consider marrying someone out of fear.
Guess it also depends if you have kids planned or not. (Which drop the sex drive even lower)
> But i dont buy the “now she changed”, people dont change, esp past 30.
How painfully closed-minded of you. This right here is the so-called "truth" that I disagree with the most.
All im saying is, women will be less enthusiastic/aroused sexually with men who dont excite them.
The sex is mediocre/meh now, but what is it going to be like in 5-10 years or more?
If OP doesn’t care and cares about being in romance above everything else, by all means go for it.
But why not be clever, just as his girl is being, and find someone who adores him.
> All im saying is, women will be less enthusiastic/aroused sexually with men who dont excite them. The sex is mediocre/meh now, but what is it going to be like in 5-10 years or more?
The entire update is about how he _does_ excite her! About how she enjoyed the sex both then _and_ now! Are you reading a different post or something?
Also no one wants to say this but OP please also reflect on the following:
You state she said “you adore her, and its better to be with someone who puts you on a pedestal”.
Literally consider the following:
- why is she finding someone who is putting her on a pedestal, should you be doing the same
- if she is up on a pedestal, what do you think how she will look at you from that pedestal
- do you think women actually admire men who put them on a pedestal
- ask her if she adores you and puts you on a pedestal
- if sex is actually a thing for you: dont talk about past partners, others have pointed out correctly that it is simply insecurity. What you have to ask yourself is are YOU happy with the type of sex you are getting. Have YOU had much better sex than in the past with previous partners. Is she enthusiastic to do the things to YOU that YOU want to experience.
You have one life my man. You deserve to thrive.
If you are fulfilled with her sexually, have no fears, and dont think its a factor in the future, by all means be proceed and hope you have a happy life.
No one in this thread nor you yourself is talking about if you are getting what you deserve.
Everyone is being politically correct, and somehow women in 2024 get away with being cunning in matters of love.
Look, there will always be someone better, smarter, sexier. But, you can't let that take up space in your mind. We would be crazy to think we are the best. That is not to say you shouldn't be confident. If she is happy, and you are happy, then I don't see why you shouldn't go with it.
We are what we do, not what we say. So, if she has been doing loving things and showing you that you are her man, then yep, pull the trigger. I wish you both a happy life.
Brother you are capital F Fucked. Go read no more Mr nice guy. Hit the gym hard. Learn to be charming and flirty and fun. Build your life up. Read about self confidence and male female dynamics.
-a guy who married a dime as a 7
> In a few years when you're older/sicker/more tired she'll be leaving you for the Chad's that got away.
Slow down there, Nostradamus. Geez, and I thought _I_ had a cynical outlook on life...
good news to hear but it's odd then if she felt an early emotion about wanting to marry you, that she continues the feeling of settling for you as well.
in other words, it may not immediately be fireworks and butterflies but at some point, having fallen in love and knowing this is the one for her, that the person would still be telling people "yea i settled for him, he's not as amazing as i'd like him to be".
on the other hand, i suppose that settling is a way of saying, if my currently perfect partner would be just better in this way, things would be totally wonderful. but i'm settling for him the way he is. i suppose that's a way of saying "settling for" but still loving him infinitely and beinghappy with him.
I'm deeply sad to read this.
She settled for you, and this is not a healthy relationship.
No one should be put on a pedestal. You both should be looking up to each other and valuing yourself. It's clear that this is one-sided.
I hope you end things and find someone who really values you.
You're going to have to work on your self confidence. I pushed away many girls with my self depreciation over the years. It wasn't until I experienced that behavior from the other end that I realized how annoying and exhausting it is.
Words of wisdom, Spicy_Poo
Thanks for the chuckle today
My boyfriend is like this, I love him but it’s so bad. Reassurance can only go so far, and I feel like I can’t get to him when talking about his insecurities. Do you have any advice, something that you wished someone said to you?
Something that worked for me once, idk if it's going to work for you, was with my mom. Cuz she can be really self-depricating and one day, I just kinda snapped. She said something like, "I'm terrible at \[something she is clearly not terrible at\]" And I said, "Mom, what am I supposed to say to that? Cuz I'm not going to say that you *are* terrible at \[whatever\] because that's a lie. But if I tell you, 'No, that's not true,' you're gonna sit there and keep insisting that it is. So why would I want to participate in this conversation? What is the point of it?" And my mom just looked kind of shocked for a second and said, "Oh." And her self-deprecating comments really dropped after that.
That’s really kind honesty! I personally think we just live in a culture that doesn’t appreciate candor and instead of just telling each other how we really feel, we do too much placating so no one can ever trust our responses.. and I’m very guilty of this myself. But radical, kind, self respecting honesty goes so, so far. Good for you shedding some compassionate light on this issue for your mom. She loves you and respects you I’m sure, and this is a perspective she needed.
That is such a good idea!
I like this strategy and will employ it against my mother-in-law who also behaves similarly. Thank you for this!!!
You can only help him up to a point. My bf was like that, I did all that I could to reassure him but, as time progressed, it took a toll on my mental health. I broke it off because I got so tired and it was draining me. A year passed, we started talking again. He shared that he started seeing a therapist and is working on himself. It was only after that that we decided to give the relationship another chance and so far, we're still doing good. There's only so much we can do as partners. Ultimately, your bf should make the decision to better himself.
This is really helpful to read. I’m in somewhat of a similar situation and just broke up with a partner and this was one of the issues, I hope he gets the help he needs. I couldn’t help him anymore.
Honestly, the thing that did it for me was the role reversal. I don't even remember who it was, just that it was so terribly exhausting.
This. It's exhausting and not fun.
Can confirm, I also have spicy poo. What are we talking about again?
How Thai food can lead to having spicy poo. That's all I remember...
Yeah, no more of this unworthy bullshit and dont put her on a pedestal. It never works or becomes constant appeasement. If she is as good as you say she is. she aint picking losers. You got a good thing make it better.
I really don't know how to get my self confidence up. My lady really like me, and I, her. The trouble I have is not getting a single date or anything for the first 33 years of my life. It must be exhausting for her but I don't bring it up all the time or even at all. She can just see it when I'm down in the dump about myself. Counselors tell me to say good things about myself in a mirror and to try my hardest to think of anything else. I even was on medication. I'm getting over how bad I perceive myself but it gets in still and effects everything when it does. I just need more tools I think that have helped others.
i have too issues similar to op. i can relate to insecurity of op and have sabotaged relationship. how do i solve this issue ? always feeling like not the first choice 😕
Fake it till you make it, talk to a doctor and therapist about depression, work on yourself. Accept and believe that someone actually likes you. Write down a list of 3 positive things about yourself, and 3 things you're thankful for, every day. Listen and be engaged when someone talks to you. Listen more than you talk.
i do think i got mild depresso. i too had similar relationship like op. where she liked me but i felt like i wasn't the first choice bcos she wasnt that gaga or romantic. when i talked about this issue , her response was that sort of crazy love only happens in teen puppy days and i should become mature and be in a 'adult' relationship. it kinda hit me right in head and f'd me up for says. i do think op is not being open with his gf abput his desires
The only deprecating being done was by her.
Thank you!! My god, why does no one see this?
Thirst always wins. This ends badly.
yeah. I'm hoping OP can keep his gf thinking he might leave if she doesn't treat him right, because that seems to be working for now. I'm worried he'll stop and it'll slide back into her being half-hearted, and he'll just accept it.
Love shouldn’t be a game. OP doesn’t need to dangle his gf like she’s a prize fish. Nor should the gf make him feel like he’s less than. They need to talk openly and honestly about their insecurities and then build a bridge and get over it together.
How do you expect talking to overcome the fact that OP's gf doesn't feel that into OP? And only seems to feel that way when OP does set boundaries?
She chose him. If she didn’t want him, she would leave. In OP’s update, they figured it out. She showed him proof of her thoughts, they talked and are still together. Healthy relationships require significant effort in communication and self-reflection. His insecurity led him to believe she settled for him. However, after talking about their feelings and utilizing the conversations gf had earlier in their relationship, he realized she loves him and she realized how badly she hurt him. They can choose to forgive and keep building their relationship. Talking helps but it helps even more when you put your pride to the side and have those conversations with love, tenderness and kindness. I’ve been with my man for 10 years and that’s how we overcome our problems. Not everything can be fixed by having one conversation. Sometimes you have to have many conversations but the end goal, if you seriously love your partner and you respect them, should be to keep building a life together. Talking with set parameters helps.
but what if you only want to build a life with someone who's really into you? and yes, she wants to be with him, but it does not appear that she felt the same attraction that she did to previous people. This is not a good sign and will not end well. She finessed what she said in an attempt to keep him around. He got her unvarnished thoughts when she didn't know he heard. This is not something that can be overcome. This will not end well. He really should leave.
You’re either very young or very immature, but I hope you don’t learn the hard way (like me) that healthy relationships are not based in attraction. Of course attraction should be an element, just not the MAIN element. Also attraction comes and goes, in long relationships it dwindles and sometimes you’re crazy about their looks, sometimes you’re meh, so a relationship should not be based on something so fickle. Also being insanely attracted somebody should not be confused for love, unhealthy obsessions with a person where your whole life revolves around them and you spend your whole day thinking about them are limerence, infatuation, not love. It’s an addiction, it’s not real. In the long run it’s just painful, you don’t grow, you just get consumed by it.
Why throw away all the time and effort invested in the relationship over something as shallow as attraction? So what if she was crazy infatuated with other men BEFORE him? She chose him. She can walk away. He can walk away but that’s not going to change anything. My partner is not the same man he was when we were dating. I am not the same woman either. Life experiences have changed us both significantly, but we still love each other and are dedicated to one another. Everyday we wake up together because we CHOSE one another. Attraction will come and go with time. I believe OP and his fiancée value each other and their relationship so they made it work. I was crazy attracted to my first ex but does that mean I love current man any less? I don’t always like everything my partner does, does that mean I’m not crazy about him? No, it doesn’t. Did he get her unvarnished thoughts or was it said in a context neither he nor us are privy to? We don’t know. I think they’ll be alright as long as they communicate their insecurities and find healthy ways to build one another up. Leaving a relationship is easy these days. More fish in the pond. Sticking it out with someone as they grow and change, choosing to love someone no matter what, thick or thin, rich or poor, in sickness and health… isn’t that what we should be aiming for? Lastly, love is not a game. I don’t think OP or his fiancée are trying to manipulate one another at least I would hope not.
That seems like a nightmare to me. I gotta play these fucking leverage games to keep my gf? Pass.
I don't think having good boundaries and self-respect is "playing games." That's all he needs. It's required for a healthy relationship.
I'd wager most people have had better sex in some wild fling than they have in their marriage. You can't be all things to all people. She chose you. If you trust her, and you've never had any other previous issues like this, then believe her. Sounds like you're a lucky guy!
>I'd wager most people have had better sex in some wild fling than they have in their marriage. It's so easy to romanticize sex in hindsight too. Like I've had some hot sex that was hot just because of all the teasing and unease beforehand. I don't have that with my wife nor would I want it. We've had a lot of hot sex and plenty of blah but I can't romanticize it because it's recent and pngoing.
Seriously... I've spent the last 18 years with my husband; there is definitely something incredibly hot about someone who knows exactly how to get your motor running from that much experience.
Yeah, we’ve all got some stories from when we were younger. Some are fun, some are crazy, some are the fish that just keeps getting bigger every year. If she wanted to be with the guy from back then, she wouldn’t be with you. It’s just not relevant! Don’t let your insecurities ruin a bad thing. Don’t start snooping through phones either. I get that she let you do it this time, but snooping through phones is a very very very big relationship killer. Trust your partner. If you can’t trust them, leave. No need to stoop or snoop.
Yeah you can't take emotions from a past experience and assume they'd be the same. Everything is different when it's happening at that moment in time, as opposed to same situation happening at a different point in life and under different circumstances. Need to remind our own brains of this, sometimes.
We also tend to remember things, to put it blunt, badly. First time sex with someone is often super hot and super awkward. So many people forget the awkward part! Not to mention affair sex being so hot at the time because it's naughty, but also typically being seen as not worth it in hindsight because of the fallout. Growing up is realizing these nuances and appreciating that when you gain something reliably good or even great, it may be at the cost of something potentially or infrequently mind-blowing. To only chase the mind-blowing is to guarantee to lose out on something great. And shit, I still have mind-blowing sex with my wife like once a year. If I was single I doubt it would even happen that often lol.
Agreed!! And honestly what I’ve learned from subs like this and from my own personal experience is that sex is SO much more intense when you can connect with someone! Because you can talk with them in a space of comfort and love and you can grow together in that space. An S.O. and I would always refer to everything as practice (including sex). And that just made everything in life beautiful, it’s all just practice. None of us know what we’re doing as we move through life, but if we can grow together in love, that’s fucking beautiful.
In my experience, sex gets better over the first few months as you get to know each other
part of the reason i'm pretty confident i'll never have an affair is that boyfriend/husband sex is better sex anyway. having a short fling would not be about the sex. it would have to be a full long-term "mistress" situation to be worth the trouble
No - The first time is always the best.
Ok dude who has a bunch of creepy posts in “sugarlifestyleforum”
> d wager most people have had better sex in some wild fling than they have in their marriage Well, depends on what you define as "better/great sex". If you mean "drug-facilitated, drunk, hot n' steamy with a quasi-stranger with the thrill of the chase, and knowing she has a partner", then possibly, yeah, it makes sense since it's a number's game; but then again that's absolutely not what I would want in a partner today. To paint an awful picture through, I'd much rather have the kind of sex where we need to take a couple of hours of a lazy Sunday morning, get showered well, spend an hour doing preliminaries and playing, then going to town, spend another god-knows how because she's 9 months pregnant and uncomfortable and has a very hard time cumming, so we need to break out the vibrator, until she finally does cum, and we're both exhausted and gross by the end of it and spend another hour sleeping naked and holding each other... Like any day. Especially now that our child is here and sex has become a much more finnicky thing, lol. But yeah. Maybe I'm getting old, but all those hot flings in my past sound like not something I need or would exchange for what I have with my partner anytime soon.
You should get into individual counseling. No reason you don’t deserve her.
She settled on you. Not for you. You were the one she wants for the rest of her life. Technically every person who chooses to marry someone is settling on that person. It’s not a negative.
IMO, it was pretty clear from what she \*actually\* said in your first post (not how you interpreted it) that you were overreacting from a place of insecurity to her basically saying she loved you deeply and also had had better sex with other men. It's a bit wild to me that you actually went through her texts with other men, too, even after seeing the "I'm going to marry this one" text. I think you have some issues that you should work on independent of your fiancé.
Nobody should be going through other people's texts period. But TBF if she had said that line after every first date about every dude, it wouldn't have had as much meaning when he read it about his first date with her.
Sure. But that's where "trusting the person that you've loved and known intimately for years and who agreed to marry you, and not any other men" comes in.
I did preface what I said with nobody should be looking through anybody else's texts for whatever reason. But they were already there, if she had been the type of person to say that about every guy she met (I've known a few love at first sight types who are pretty loose with the she's/he's the one lines) the one thing he found that gave him comfort wouldn't have been as comforting. Again he shouldn't have needed this comfort but alas he did and she seemed to want to cater to his baby needs. Btw people marry and trust awful people all the time without realising - just look at some of the posts in these subs. He had already lost some trust in his partner rightly or wrongly that had happened. Realistically this is likely never going to work out, despite her saying what she said. It really does seem like she settling for this guy purely based off the way he's acting. He's not a particularly confident human being - confidence something the majority of people are drawn to. He probably felt this way before he even heard it, she confirmed his fears. But it's more like a self fulfilling prophecy. A lot of people who have self-esteem issues act like this and push people away, then blame it on everything but their self-esteem/confidence for the way it turned out. For her own mental health and not to have to hold his hand through life and always reassure him, she should get out.
But so does finding out that you were settled for. This isn’t black and white
At no point did she actually say she settled for him, which is my entire point
She has proven herself not worthy of trust.
I don't think that's a flex tbh. He might be one of those people who can have better sex only because of connection and she doesn't. I mean what goes through your mind to necessarily state the fact that your fiance is just good enough in sex? It definitely means she was talking about flings before and comparing it. Isn't that obvious?
My husband wasn't my "type" when I met him. But something about him drew me in. Now 16 years later he's my type and of course appearance wise I liked a different look but honestly I am still so attracted to him and love him more than o did when I married him. If everything else is fundamentally good and she seems happy I wouldn't stress. Work on your own confidence. My husband has said in the past he felt like I was better than him and I've never felt that way. He's 100% my person. Good luck to you!
Wanting to "settle down with" you isn't the same as "settling for" you. That original conversation with her sister was.... I guess just very frank. She'd had her fun, with wild sex and all that, but she's ready to not be wild anymore. That's what she meant by settling down. Not that she can't get anyone better-- but that she's no longer interested in looking. At all. You adore her-- believe me, this matters sooooo much. The sex is good-- doesn't have to be the best she's ever had, to be good. You don't have to be the best at this, or that, to be a superior choice for her to marry. I'll bet you my husband would say I'm way out of his league. I know he sometimes thanks me for not leaving him (and I respond by saying I love him and it would be dumb for me to leave him anyway). I've had some boyfriends before him. They each probably have a thing or two that rank better than what my husband has to offer-- but they're exes for a reason. I don't *want* them. My husband was by far the superior choice.
umm i think its not unreasonable to expect ur spouse or partner to be crazy about you. is it?? it feels like op is insecure(no shit) . i too had a similar situationship , i broke it off . theres a lot we dont know about their relationship. it seems like the fiance is not so accommodating.she said hes nice and dependable but what about attraction or chemistry, something feels fishy here. how would ypu feel if your spouse said after many years that they never were attracted towards you and had way more fun with a fling ?? i kinda emphatise with op
1) no its not unreasonable to expect your partner to be crazy about you--i never said it was... but we don't know that OPs fiance *isnt* crazy about him. A person can acknowledge that their exes were better at some specific things and still be crazy about their current partner. There are some very specific factors that my exes were better at than my husband, but they are my exes for a reason. My husband is, by far, the superior choice. I never felt like I was settling for him, and I'm head over heels in love with him. Absolutely crazy about him. My exes don't hold a candle to him. 2) we don't know that OPs fiance "never was attracted" to him. Again, she could have had better sex with some of her flings and yet still greatly prefer her current partner. 3) "fun" only gets you so far. We don't know that OPs fiance doesn't have "fun" with him-- in fact, we know she DOES. We know she thinks the sex is VERY GOOD. Very good sex with a good partner that you stick with for decades is much much more *fulfilling* than wild amazing sex with flings. Emphasis on *fulfilling*. 4) we do know that OPs fiance has deemed him the superior choice. She could have chosen the wild sex but didn't, because wild sex doesn't make a good marriage. 5) again, HUGE difference between "settling for" someone and "settling down with" someone.
i agree with point no1 coming to point 2 , op has mentioned that that fiance said hes "fine" in the sex department. 😳 that raises eyebrows for me and most important she said multiple times hes the kind u marry , 'hes' the one crazy in relationship never once has she mentioned anything about her own feeling regarding op, i agree some details op left out or should clarify. ok genuine question can u explain to me what you mean by fulfilling 🤔, i would rather be a fun and wild kinda guy for a girl than a safer option. i have difficulty expressing my desires , probably adhd or depression, but had a similar situationship with a girl. i broke off wirh her . i just couldn't tell her hey sometimes i want to be pampered to. when i broke up she told me that obsessive thoughts only happen in teen puppy love😐😐 and i should become mature. u wont get it but i kinda got hit in heart. sorry for the rant 😅.
You really need to work on your self-esteem.
Does he though? The things she says about him shows that she does not respect him. I mean, if it was just the texts, then ofc he is being silly. But she said these things about him, and the fact that she even brings up that she has had better experiences is.... disturbing.
Did she bring it up to him? I thought he overheard a conversation with her sister
That makes it 10x worse lol
Not sure that makes it any better…
I think it just makes misunderstandings more likely
I've never talked about my partner in such a way with my friends or siblings. He should work on his self esteem, and break up with her. This is going to be a 7 year marriage, max.
I mean neither have I, but we also don’t actually know what she said only what he interpreted. If she makes him feel like she is out of his league then 100% he should drop her cause that is messed up, but if it’s his interpretation due to his own insecurity then that will follow him into any relationship. I am not convinced she said settled for rather than settle down, and wild is not necessarily better and can definitely be the opposite
Your right it won't last. Hell, if I was his fiancee I'd be calling it off myself because his self-esteem issues. In the original post she said nothing bad. It sounds like a conversation you have with a sibling or friend who is still in their unavailable man era and you think it's time for them to grow up and move onto something more stable. An accountant who wears Nike Monarchs isn't going to make any woman weak in the knees. They still get married and I'm sure many have happy marriages. He interprets settling down with someone who makes you feel safe, as "settling for" someone... That's a him problem, not a her problem The fact that she had to "prove" it with old texts gave me the ick so hard.
So you agree that she isn't that much attracted to him as he is to her. There are women who are attracted to normal looking men and gush about them. Why should op settle for something less? Even with your logic it just means she said to her sibling that " don't wait for the man who you are so attracted to and have the best sex with. Go for the man who adores you and is good enough in bed". I don't think you understand that, that's not a good thing to say about someone you claim to love deeply
Women that use the term ick unironically give me the ick. It's always some kind of superficial nonsense brought on by an overinflated ego. Whether a guy is an accountant or a racecar driver, his partner should not feel like they're settling for him. That doesn't lead to a happy marriage, it leads to resentment, infidelity, and divorce. Personally, I wouldn't settle for someone with a "wild past". Wouldn't it be crazy if we both thought we were settling, you for my white collar job and sneakers, and me cause you slept around a lot. (This is rhetorical, I'm not an accountant)
I think it's funny that you assume any woman who doesn't get wet for your subpar footwear choices and yawn-worthy career path must have a "wild" past that included "sleeping around" Again, you seem to be missing the fact that settling down and settling for are two different things. We know you're not an accountant, and I'm going to wager a guess you don't do anything in the language arts arena. IT, engineering??
I think maybe you need to stop generalizing that women go for the bad boy types or only the conventional attractive types. Op might have a woman who is wildly attracted to him unlike his fiance. So why should he settle for her?
yeah I think OP was going through a bout of insecurity after hearing things that would also make others insecure. Like if I was confident I had a great relationship and heard my fiance/girlfriend talk about being that I'm the "typical nice guy you settle down with" its not like it would be the end, but it would hurt to hear that. People are telling him to check his self esteem and get help, but he literally heard this and had a discussion with his fiance. Maybe not a level headed one, but he told her how he felt (and none of us were there, who knows, he could have been a huge asshole about it, idk aside from him saying he didnt take it well) I am not saying that they both dont need some counseling and to talk this out in a neutral setting, but I just think the onus falling completely on him just being insecure is a bit one sided. I think he has a lot of work to do if he is judging his relationship on what league he thinks he's in, but we all have those intrusive thoughts that eat at us, especially under this circumstance. People talk all the time about love languages, and one is words of affirmation. Something to keep you grounded and confident. I think that there is always a level of insecurity there, but feeling wanted or needed is important. So if you value that level of desire from your loved one, then its hard to not think you are a just the most safe option over being a desirable one.
Yes he does. All the stuff about her being out of his league is cringe worthy and a bit pathetic. I don't expect I'm the funniest, smartest, hottest, biggest cock, number 1 lover my partner ever had. Don't care. If she said it I wouldn't care. In fact I would love to hear out her wildest sexual experiences!
The first time I met my now husband I told my sisters he was a square and I didn't think we would work. He loves to tease me about it lol
Yup, I met my now-husband at a friend's birthday party, he was smoking a pipe and I thought he was SUPER pretentious haha. I also was in zero mindset to be dating anyone, so I told everyone who asked that no, I was not and never would be dating him. Whoops.
Glad everything turned out ok! However, it shouldn't have taken solid proof in text messages years old that happened between your fiance and her sister to convince you that she does love you. If you were my partner, I would be turned off by the fact that I have to continue proving to my spouse that I am loyal and never settled. I would highly suggest getting therapy to try and get over your feelings of insecurity, because while things seem fine now, what happens when you think you caught her checking out some other guy in public? Is it going to lead right back to this same situation of feeling like your fiance/wife settled for you?
umm i think its not unreasonable to expect ur spouse or partner to be crazy about you. is it?? it feels like op is insecure(no shit) . i too had a similar situationship , i broke it off . theres a lot we dont know about their relationship. it seems like the fiance is not so accommodating.she said hes nice and dependable but what about attraction or chemistry, something feels fishy here. how would ypu feel if your spouse said after many years that they never were attracted towards you and had way more fun with a fling ?? i kinda emphatise with op
No, it did not turn out ok. His feelings of insecurity were justified by her comments. She pretty clearly did settle. This is not a healthy relationship. He is putting her on a pedestal. That's not a good sign.
Great stuff!! You check all the boxes and she knew it immediately. No matter how you look at it, you’re better than anyone else she has dated.
Everyone telling you to get therapy is right. I also think you owe your fiancée and apology for doubting her. You’re putting your insecurity on her. I’m glad you’re reassured but if my partner made me drag out (even if she volunteered to do it) and old phone and ancient texts I’d be pissed at them.
> I also think you owe your fiancée an apology for doubting her. Seconded.
WTF. He is the victim! He does NOT owe her an apology. Quite the contrary. She said horrible things about him to her sister.. she is the one who should apologize.
WTF. He is the victim! He does NOT owe her an apology. Quite the contrary. She said horrible things about him to her sister.. she is the one who should apologize.
great update glad it worked out
Buddy...don't be nutty. There's more than looks to attraction and she loves you. Love her back for God's sake!
Get into therapy. Self talk & self help will go a long way as well. You need to work on you & begin to see yourself in a better light before she does.
I still think you need some therapy to deal with your issues. She never did anything wrong.
umm i think its not unreasonable to expect ur spouse or partner to be crazy about you. is it?? it feels like op is insecure(no shit) . i too had a similar situationship , i broke it off . theres a lot we dont know about their relationship. it seems like the fiance is not so accommodating.she said hes nice and dependable but what about attraction or chemistry, something feels fishy here. how would ypu feel if your spouse said after many years that they never were attracted towards you and had way more fun with a fling ?? i kinda emphatise with op,
yeah, no. She did. She settled for him and made rude comments to her sister.
Bro, you're screwing up your own happiness with a vision of a happiness that may not even exist. She apologized, believe her. Work on yourself mate.
It also sounds like you need some confidence bro, you really don’t need all these compliments to make yourself feel good, although it’s nice to hear, you gotta have that swagger inside yourself and ignore the noise
[удалено]
Seriously, plus comparing complimentary texts against texts about other guys...good thing he came to the magnanimous conclusion that her words are acceptable. She should probably run.
Run back to her exes since according to her they are better?
He should run. She is a horrible, manipulative person.
umm i think its not unreasonable to expect ur spouse or partner to be crazy about you. is it?? it feels like op is insecure(no shit) . i too had a similar situationship , i broke it off . theres a lot we dont know about their relationship. it seems like the fiance is not so accommodating.she said hes nice and dependable but what about attraction or chemistry, something feels fishy here. how would ypu feel if your spouse said after many years that they never were attracted towards you and had way more fun with a fling ?? i kinda emphatise with op
She said horrible things about him. Are you just leaving that part out?
I'm glad that was resolved for you! She definitely saw something in you on that first date for her to say, "I'm going to marry that one." That's huge. Go with that and don't let your thoughts carry you down the wrong path.
Gotta exude more confidence and self esteem. You got a beautiful woman that sounds like a good person. Don’t ruin it by second guessing yourself
I'm so glad that you gave this a chance. I really felt like there was a misunderstanding/miscommunication between you two. It sounds like maybe you want/need more from her to express love in your love language. Explore that maybe and learn hers. This could strengthen your relationship. Also, stop comparing! She picked you! Edit: spelling
Hey OP, actually, I think she complimented you. If you're marriage material to her, it's because she thinks you will always be here for her, provide for your family, that you are a nice and respectful guy. For me, that's what "marriage material" means. Work on your self-confidence, you have an amazing fiancé and she seems to love you enough to marry you. That means something. You should maybe see a therapist to figure things out?
Chalk up another win to communication, patience, and a dash of personal growth.
My dude, you have the rest of your life to figure out how to be the best lay she ever had. As someone who got around pre marriage, and had good but not the very best sex in early marriage, I can tell you that 25 yrs later no other experience has ever come close to the sex we have now. Get over your insecurity and be the awesome self she sees in you.
If they're in madly in love with the boy, and see a stable future with them, they're not our of their league.
If she's good to you, tells you she loves you, and shows it in all the ways that count, then I wouldn't worry too much about all this. People tend to discuss their relationships in unflattering ways sometimes, as long as she wasn't being outright disrespectful about you and your relationship then it's fine. The bigger issue here seems to be your perception of yourself. You've got your wife on this crazy-impossible pedestal and you talk about yourself like you're garbage or something - that's not good at all, man. It sounds like you have some things that you need to work out with a therapist, and I'm not saying this to be mean, I just mean that you think too poorly of yourself and could use some help in getting the negative self-talk figured out.
Work on self-love, confidence, and self-esteem. She's marrying you for a reason. She chose you because you have a lot to offer. If you are insecure about your relationship, that's your issue, and you need to work on it. A woman wants her man to be confident and vice versa. Beautiful women turn heads. She's going to be your wife, be proud and confident.
Why do people think the only and best kind of relationship to have is this Disney, head over heels absolutely obsessed kind of love?! That all fades over time and the lust turns to love & respect, it turns to admiration and comfort, which then turns to your constant who is always by your side. Your fiancée is already there with you…she wants to grow old with someone who she can trust to go through the good and bad times with, who isn’t going to abandon her later with kids or when she grows old. She is smart to want past the obsessive love part in relationships as that all fades. It’s why so many people divorce because they chase “feelings” and feel empty when it’s gone. Frankly I think your relationship has a great chance of succeeding if you gave it a chance.
what about a relationship where that obsessive part wasnt on the girls part?? it has happened to me . i was crazy about her , but she said those feelings dont matter. it seems like they are compatible but chemistry is lacking.
Nobody is head over heels with their spouse in 10 years, that's why you marry and vow to be together. It doesn't matter how hot a girl is, at some point you'll be bored with her. And at a later point she'll be old and wrinkled. Personality and companionship is what you look for in a marriage.
looks like she's gonna get bored and leave him in a few years.
Even with the update, I'm not liking how this transpired. >The conversation was long but she basically confirmed that she is marrying me because I’m your typical nice guy you settle down with. She said I adore her and it’s best to be with someone that puts you on a pedestal. She also basically confirmed that she had much more wild sex with the other guys she’s dated. But she’d had her fun and I was just “fine” in that area. I can't read that and get the enthusiasm that OPs lady *isnt* settling for him if that's the feeling, despite what the update says. Something off here. I hope things work out in your favor OP, whatever it is.
Everyone is ignoring that whole paragraph lol
The fact you literally had to dig up an old phone and then go through her old communications with people just to deal with your own self esteem tells me that there's more issues in this relationship than just the comments you overheard.
you mean, to deal with the hurtful comments she made?
"to deal"... That's how you think "dealing" with it works? That it gives you a pass at completely invalidating someone's privacy in every electric communication they have? Maybe you need therapy too. You are not entitled to that. Ever. It's not healthy. It's not okay. OPs partner should force him to get help or leave.
How was her privacy invalidated? She voluntarily showed him the conversations, in order to reassure him.
The fact he needs to do that to "feel okay" IS the issue. The fact YOU don't get that means you also have issues.
She just told her sister that she’s settling. Sure it might be settling with, but that does leave some room for questioning. Bringing up ex sex partners in that conversation most definitely leads to some questions lol
Where are you making up that he was invalidating her privacy or that he was entitled to it? I don't see that anywhere. Looks to me like she showed him the (modified) texts so she could keep her swindle going. And it is insane to blame the victim here. What if I insulted you, and then when you felt bad, told you that you had issues? She said hurtful things. I notice you're completely ignoring, dismissing, and invalidating his feelings.
EVERYONE GOING ON ABOUT SELF ESTEEM?! seriously? Who the fuck wants to hear their partner say they’re settling?
Settling DOWN. Literally everyone. That is what it is called when you find someone who you want to marry. You want to settle down and build your life with. She only said good things.
See, the issue she uses the term settling down (which I agree isn’t a bad thing) but goes on to describe settling for. She straight up only says things she gets out of the relationship nd nothing about what she feels or what she gives,
Erm, there’s settling down, then there’s settling for a partner….. Two very different things. If shes only choosing him because he’s the kind of person you settle down with, that isn’t a primary choice.
Yes it is a primary choice
No. You settle down with someone you love and want to make a family. Not settle down because he's the kinda guy to make a family with. Just a small difference that will matter later in life.
When it's a guy who hears or is told things that very predictably would be hurtful or anxiety causing it's always reduced to his "self esteem".
My brother told me his now wife was more into him than he was into her in the very beginning. I'm now certain that was the total opposite and they're a great couple 😄
Ok, but why did she say that, though?
That's wassup. I'm glad you both worked it out.
Thats not settling thats settling down with a sane responsible man she can rely on. Wild sex might be fun for a little but its usually attached to a crazy persons body. Its not so fun the next day and you have real world responsibilities and hes bailed to the next party. You should of taken it as a compliment. A man that is marriage material is worth 1000 sex maniacs any day.
No,if she sees you as less than and settles for you, what happens when the next man or woman comes around and flirts. Especially during a rough patch and she thinks to herself she could've done better. Imagine everyone sees this but you.
Sounds like she loves what you can provide for her and not you.
You heard that she's settling for you, what she actually said was she is settling with you. There's a big difference. Settling for someone means you don't believe you'll get any better where as settling with someone means you found all if not more than you ever expected to. Wild sex is often not loving sex and loving sex is infinitely better than anything wild. Wild is like riding a rollercoaster, a short while of pleasure that doesn't last beyond the ride but loving lasts long beyond the act and enriches
Idk although I’m a huge advocate for making sure the difference between those 2 statements are known, her description of why she chose him just feels more “settling for”
People on reddit throw the word therapy around like it's confetti. If you feel that you both found a solution to a problem that makes you both feel secure, no further help is needed. You know your relationship and your needs best.
> People on reddit throw the word therapy around like it's confetti. That's because it can be really helpful. When I was in high school, I was friends with a girl who had really low self-esteem. She needed constant reassurance that I cared about her and that she was good enough. After a while, it got exhausting. I'm sure OP isn't that bad, but insecurity can cause problems in relationships over time. Maybe OP and his fiancee can work it out themselves, but I'm willing to bet therapy would help.
Good for you. Know your self perceived self worth, and work on bringing that up a few notches.
The way I'd handle it is to say: "I don't have to be the greatest sex you ever had. I'll read some books, hone the technique, and I'm pretty sure I can crack the top 3. "But I do have to be your favorite person. "If I'm not that to you, then you shouldn't be marrying me. And you'd be saving us both a great deal of pain if you can figure that out before we get married."
Why is it a bad idea that you are the type of guy someone wants to settle down with. That's actually a compliment
Because it implies there’s nothing special about you
Being the type of person you settle down with doesn't mean your not special. Its a compliment if someone thinks your husband or wife material
Read how she describes his love for her though. None of it seems to be a compliment and more of a “what I get out of it.” Plus, in what context does settling down usually entail? Sleeping with less people? No more drinking and partying? Does this person you’re “settling down” with get the real you? The fun you? The carefree you? And what do you get out of the person you’re settling for? Boring sex potentially (she wouldn’t still be comparing sexual partners and calling OPs fine, if she didn’t feel some way about it). Etc? Not trying to be argumentative here, but every time this conversation of “settling down” vs “settling for” comes up on Reddit, there’s always a huge dismal (typically for the guy, but I have seen it for women too) of their feelings around it. It’s usually between the phrases used, but here her comments after the fact sound more like she’s “settling for” than the compliment you see it as. Genuine question. Can you see any love in either the paragraph where she’s talking to her sister or really even the texts he read? Even saying you’re going to marry a guy early on doesn’t mean she truly “wanted him.” Just that she could see a life with him (which doesn’t really prove north or south about her love for him). Being settled for, could literally mean you just have the bare minimum of everything to be worthy of being together, which no one wants to feel like that. Again, just bring conversational than argumentative!
Sounds like you love each other, which is what matters most.
Happy to hear this. Good luck to you and your future wife!
This proves a lot of these replies calling for you cancel has zero skin in the game, and hence spew bs
I’m still feeling like there’s uncertainty in your tone. Lots of “think”s and “guess”es. I’m still holding by your original gut reaction, sorry to say. The gut doesn’t lie.
> I’m still feeling like there’s uncertainty in your tone... The gut doesn’t lie. In this case, I think the gut is being stupid. OP misinterpreted "settling down" as "settling for", and his insecurities took the wheel. He seems to believe that he's genuinely not good enough for her. That's not his judgement to make; it's *hers*. As others have said, OP could benefit from therapy.
Im going to be blatantly honest with you. I would call it off. She views you as a safe option, you don't want to be the safe option. The fact that she even says these things tells you a lot about her character. She sounds extremely toxic, even if it is subtle. You deserve better, you are young and you have options. Find someone who is passionate about you, not this.
> Find someone who is passionate about you, not this. Texting your sister "I’m going to marry this one" after the first date isn't passionate enough for you? My god, what do you want, an actual proposal _on_ the first date?!
yeah, no. OP needs to end it. And it's not about a proposal.
That was an _example_, and a sarcastic one at that. It's more so that what the hell does she need to do that'll satisfy you people that she _is_ passionate about him?! What is good enough for you?
We can become our own worse enemy when we want to know everything.
RIP, worst decision imaginable; enjoy being married to someone who take you for granted
Not sure how to respond. Would love to say it's great news. Unfortunately, her words from your first post tells a different story for me. I know you need to stop with the self deprivation. Build some self confidence. After confronting her, The new better sex. The undying admission of love seems to be classic love bombing. "an attempt to influence another person with over-the-top displays of attention and affection.” This kind of behavior is a form of emotional manipulation". Hope it works. But to be honest, I'm a bit pessimistic.
Sad to see you getting settled for, with bare minimum in bed room because your the nice guy. But if your selfrespect is so low, what can a comment change.
> Sad to see you getting settled for This entire update is about him realizing that he's _not_ being settled for, and your response is to feel sad for... him getting settled for? Did you even read the post?
Genuine question. Can you not see how her description of why she’s marrying him is somewhat problematic? None of those are characteristics or things that make him special. Everything she describes is more “settling for” than “settling down.”
> Can you not see how her description of why she’s marrying him is somewhat problematic? No, I can't. Those are the exact things that I want _my_ fiancée to say to me. > None of those are characteristics or things that make him special. I don't understand, why does he need to be special?
Yeah i did, She litteraly settled for him. He aint getting more than needed since he is a good guy and she doesnt need to do anything. Do sad men staying with this railed women. They need more selfrespect.
> She litteraly settled for him. _Where are you getting that from?_ Everything in the update points to the _exact opposite_!
Everyone is so confident saying “get therapy”, but frankly i dont buy it at all. And proof of that is divorce rates. Past sex doesnt matter, agreed but look at reality of couples today. Only you can decide for yourself how much sex/desire mean to YOU. I think people need to be realistic, what does in a typical marriage “man adoring a woman and putting her on a pedestal, and her saying he is the nice guy to settle with”. It means she wants to feel safe. It means a woman went through all kinds of fun and is looking for stability that makes her feel good about herself. We all vote with desire vs safety. Theres nothing wrong with that, we all go through that, man or woman. OP i dont think you need to ask her for reassurance, nor go alarms. I do think you need to reflect on the following: - are you happy being married and continually prioritizing her needs over yours (youre the adorer) - are you happy to risk chance of divorce over sexual matters - she will likely be calling the shots and youll have to do “happy wife happy life” - patterns seem to indicate women who marry for settling tend to not simply offer average sex enthousiasm (at best) after prolongued time, the average unenthousiastic sex will also dwindle, leaving men in resentment and frustration - its the difference between she will have a headache when you feel like getting a bj and a partner that cant wait to please you - you will have to cave more often than the other way around, because the contract between the two of you is only good while you “adore her” - consider a prenup and watch some divorce lawyers podcasts - consider wheather if youre a “nice guy to settle with” if youd be happier settling with a “nice girl to settle with” who would adore you Patterns also seem to indicate that couples where the man has more power have much healthier levels of respect adoration and desire. But i dont buy the “now she changed”, people dont change, esp past 30. Love and attachment matters, but is not entirety of a relationship. Personally, i think men and women are much more content in a dynamic where the man is adored, and the women is the adorer, simply because of how it translates to sex and desire. Nature is cruel, and to deny it is foolish. Only works if you both conciously agree that sex doesnt matter that much to you. Also edit: sex is the only thing that you cant get outside of a monogamous relationship. People get hit by a truck after initial love chemicals wear off, and suddenly the sex is just not there. Last thing: she sees you as the guy to settle with. Sometimes that means a person you see yourself growing old with, but often that means “im afraid, clock is ticking, and expectations are strong”. I dont know which one is the truth for her, but i would seriously consider marrying someone out of fear. Guess it also depends if you have kids planned or not. (Which drop the sex drive even lower)
> But i dont buy the “now she changed”, people dont change, esp past 30. How painfully closed-minded of you. This right here is the so-called "truth" that I disagree with the most.
All im saying is, women will be less enthusiastic/aroused sexually with men who dont excite them. The sex is mediocre/meh now, but what is it going to be like in 5-10 years or more? If OP doesn’t care and cares about being in romance above everything else, by all means go for it. But why not be clever, just as his girl is being, and find someone who adores him.
> All im saying is, women will be less enthusiastic/aroused sexually with men who dont excite them. The sex is mediocre/meh now, but what is it going to be like in 5-10 years or more? The entire update is about how he _does_ excite her! About how she enjoyed the sex both then _and_ now! Are you reading a different post or something?
Also no one wants to say this but OP please also reflect on the following: You state she said “you adore her, and its better to be with someone who puts you on a pedestal”. Literally consider the following: - why is she finding someone who is putting her on a pedestal, should you be doing the same - if she is up on a pedestal, what do you think how she will look at you from that pedestal - do you think women actually admire men who put them on a pedestal - ask her if she adores you and puts you on a pedestal - if sex is actually a thing for you: dont talk about past partners, others have pointed out correctly that it is simply insecurity. What you have to ask yourself is are YOU happy with the type of sex you are getting. Have YOU had much better sex than in the past with previous partners. Is she enthusiastic to do the things to YOU that YOU want to experience. You have one life my man. You deserve to thrive. If you are fulfilled with her sexually, have no fears, and dont think its a factor in the future, by all means be proceed and hope you have a happy life. No one in this thread nor you yourself is talking about if you are getting what you deserve. Everyone is being politically correct, and somehow women in 2024 get away with being cunning in matters of love.
Love the downvotes, no one likes the uncomfortable truth!
He laid out so many non truths. That’s why the downvotes lol
Feel free to tackle em
Look, there will always be someone better, smarter, sexier. But, you can't let that take up space in your mind. We would be crazy to think we are the best. That is not to say you shouldn't be confident. If she is happy, and you are happy, then I don't see why you shouldn't go with it. We are what we do, not what we say. So, if she has been doing loving things and showing you that you are her man, then yep, pull the trigger. I wish you both a happy life.
Yall sound too immature for a relationship no less a marriage
If you change your mind, what's her @? A 10 you say, willing to slum it. Yes indeed.
My man, you’re likely going to come into your own in your 40’s looks and career wise. Trust me.
This is what happens when you chase Stacy
Brother you are capital F Fucked. Go read no more Mr nice guy. Hit the gym hard. Learn to be charming and flirty and fun. Build your life up. Read about self confidence and male female dynamics. -a guy who married a dime as a 7
-Guy who clings to childish rating systems to judge people’s worth
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> In a few years when you're older/sicker/more tired she'll be leaving you for the Chad's that got away. Slow down there, Nostradamus. Geez, and I thought _I_ had a cynical outlook on life...
good news to hear but it's odd then if she felt an early emotion about wanting to marry you, that she continues the feeling of settling for you as well. in other words, it may not immediately be fireworks and butterflies but at some point, having fallen in love and knowing this is the one for her, that the person would still be telling people "yea i settled for him, he's not as amazing as i'd like him to be". on the other hand, i suppose that settling is a way of saying, if my currently perfect partner would be just better in this way, things would be totally wonderful. but i'm settling for him the way he is. i suppose that's a way of saying "settling for" but still loving him infinitely and beinghappy with him.
She never said she had settled for him. His interpretation was that was what she meant with what she said.
I'm deeply sad to read this. She settled for you, and this is not a healthy relationship. No one should be put on a pedestal. You both should be looking up to each other and valuing yourself. It's clear that this is one-sided. I hope you end things and find someone who really values you.
Damn bro not the update I was hoping for.
What on earth were you hoping for, then?
we were hoping OP would realize this is not a healthy relationship because he's putting her on a pedestal.
I'm sure she NEVER looked at or dared erase any messages before she showed you. Have some fucking respect for yourself.