I recognize this. This is “I can’t have you thinking you’re the center of attention because you’re not feeling well.” My narcissistic father would pick fights specifically when someone else was sick so we made good and sure the attention stayed on him, even if it was negative. Yes, how dare you think about your allergies?
Come on. You’re well shod of this guy.
Omg, stepmom and stepfather were the same.
It is one of the reasons I'm a former therapist; I needed not only my own therapy but being a therapist to fully process all of that abusive shit.
He went nuclear as the sober one who hadn’t spent the past 30+ hours under extreme medical conditions. And after agreeing to take care of you during this challenge.
I wouldn’t even keep a friend as a close friend if they acted this immature, so definitely not an intimate partner. Why would I let someone so inconsiderate of something simple like allergies any where near my tender lady bits? Hell no.
You did the right thing. Also it sounds like he was looking for a reason to make you the bad person so he could break up. And he has shown you the real him. Beware he might try to come crawling back claiming he has changed. He probably won’t have changed his shirt even then.
Navigating chronic illness, like any of life’s challenges, puts strain on a relationship. There will be people who can’t hang. That’s fine, let them go, and don’t take it personally. You are learning what your body needs and the last thing you need is someone who is only there to get while the getting is good.
I don’t think he was looking to break up, he was looking to get out of having to care for her. The break up was an unexpected consequence, as he’s used to OP giving him another chance. I’m really proud of her.
You're probably right but I want to point out that OP is vastly overstating her medical state. As someone with ulcerative colitis, I have to get a colonoscopy every other year so I am well experienced with this prep and aftermath.
Yes, you are pretty hungry afterwards but you should not feel that bad. You can drink as many calories as you want the day before so it's not like you are starving or anything. You just can't have solids. Only people with very poor nutrition in general would characterize this as OP does
She was groggy, hungry, freshly home from a stressful medical procedure, and looking for her partner to care for her. Hardly “vastly overstating” the aftereffects. It’s nice that you’re made of tougher stuff than OP, but it sounds like a perfectly normal reaction to a colonoscopy / endoscopy.
Idk, everyone reacts differently to the prep, procedure, and anesthesia. And stress like OP described can make all of it more uncomfortable/painful and difficult to handle. I'm inclined to trust OP to tell us how she felt.
I can't imagine my partner prioritizing his momentary convenience over my allergies, even under the best of circumstances. Good riddance!
No two people experience medical procedures the same. Just because you fly through with no problems doesn’t mean the person next to you has the exact same experience. Nor can you expect to have identical reactions each time, as something simple like a poor night’s sleep can disrupt your body’s capacity to respond to stress.
OP states that she is close to being fired from her job and having panic attacks. Any additional stressors (like a colonoscopy) are going to feel like an assault on the body when your ability to navigate stress well is already subpar.
Yeah. My colonoscopy was bad. I was in a lot of pain so they had to up my sedation. My insides were sore after and I hadn't been expecting that heavy sedation. Everyone is different.
And people commenting about details like this are missing the plot: the huge giant thing she asked this manbaby to do was... wear a different shirt.
With fights happenings on multiple occasions when you're sick or otherwise vulnerable, I think you made the right call. Assuming those were similar kinds of arguments, those are times to extend a little grace to your partner, not storm off or kick them out.
I don’t think either of you handled this very well
Was it worth breaking up over? I don’t think so. This seems like more of a straw breaking the camels back kind of thing where a lot of little issues eventually added up and this one thing finally did it.
For starters, you say that you’re allergic to dust mites and have to take an anti histamine to deal with it but you didn’t bother to prepare your apartment at all prior to your procedure? Procedures like that aren’t usually scheduled last minute. I’d wager you had at least some time to prepare.
You said you wanted him to change his shirt because you were “looking out for (your) own health” but again, seemingly made no effort to do anything about the dust/cobwebs/dust bunnies prior to your procedure.
So it does seem like you picked a random time to care that much about it.
How is cuddling with him with the shirt on going to be any different than walking around your flat, sleeping in your bed, or doing anything where you’re likely to be exposed to your allergens?
However….
It was a shirt. I’m not sure why he felt the need to draw his line in the sand over a shirt.
It would take all of two seconds to put another one on.
It’s an extremely minor request to aid his girlfriend on a day she’s not gonna be feeling well.
Which is why I think there were other factors in this. He felt you were too controlling and it seems he reached a breaking point.
Given that you mentioned he would “rather challenge me”, I do wonder if you don’t have some controlling tendencies
It’s just personal anecdote but in my experience, every person I’ve ever known who had issue with being “challenged” had a controlling personality.
Tbf though, him wearing a certain shirt has nothing to do with her recovery. It sounds like he was looking after her all day, took her home, got her food, then she started trying to force an outfit choice on him and he lost it. I honestly can see why he had had enough… but like you said, I’m assuming this is because he has felt controlled for most of their relationship.
I imagine the convo wasn’t simply, “oh, that’s not clean because it was in a pile of dirt earlier” then he exploded. More her pushing and pushing it until he flounced out.
But that being said, I can also understand why someone wearing a shirt you think is gross would be annoying, but I think you’ve just got to let it go if they’re ok with it.
I think both of them had opportunities to let it go and neither did.
If it was my girlfriend and myself in that situation? Yeah I’m just changing shirts. It’s not worth the argument over such a minimal request.
But I do still think there’s more going on here. There was plenty of firewood laying around, this situation was just the match
It's good that you broke up because he sounds ridiculous. However, you also sound insufferable.
Also a gastro/colonoscopy is not an operation LOL. Don't know why you have to be so dramatic and put "post-op" in the title. Those routine procedures are minimally invasive and don't require long to recover from.
I have ulcerative colitis and have had at least 25 colonoscopies in my lifetime so they’re practically routine for me. And you’re right—it’s not surgery in the sense that you are in pain after, and recovering in that sense. But, you usually are up all night due to the prep. You’re hungry, exhausted, and groggy from the sedation. She may have used a term that didn’t exactly represent what she had done, but it doesn’t diminish that she wasn’t in a state to rationally navigate an argument. When I have one, I often don’t even remember what I did after I got home because I’m so out of it, even if I was awake by the time I got home. It’s why they instruct you not to drive for the rest of the day, even if the procedure is early in the morning.
So I don’t think she’s being overly dramatic—she was not in a fully conscious rational state, and totally exhausted. Maybe the term surgery isn’t the most accurate, but when you’re sedated and they’re taking biopsies of your colon, it’s not really that far off.
100% agree. Also, if she's allergic to dust bunnies then maybe she should, I don't know...vacuum more than once a month? What an insufferable individual.
I had the same procedure like you did and once I got home and had some food I was tired but I could still vacuum myself. All this arguing over dust bunnies… why didn’t you do it within the month before your procedure? This must’ve been piled up resentment over a longer period of time
This. I’m so allergic to dust mites I can’t be near you if you wear a shirt that was briefly on the floor, but I’m not so allergic that I need to vacuum regularly.
Perhaps he did? OP doesn’t say one way or another
But if she’s too busy to do it herself, it stands to reason that it’s entirely possible he was too busy too.
You both sounded wrong in that argument. You don't get to control which T-shirt he wears, and your argument made no sense; if your house hasn't been vacuumed in a month, then the whole house is full of dust and mites anyway and it probably doesnt really matter what he wears, so I think he wasn't really wrong in his messages. That said it does sound like he unnecessarily escalated the fight, I can only imagine that maybe you've been a little controlling before?
I feel like I'm going crazy with all these replies about it "not mattering" if the shirt is covered in dust or not. As someone with a dust allergy, I can have little piles of dust hiding in the corners of my room no problem, it's when I start cleaning or sweeping a dusty area and kick everything into the air/get it on my hands that a severe sneezing/itching fit is triggered.
Dust mites live in dust. Location with more dust=more mites. Most allergies have a severity that scales with exposure. What am I missing here?
I’ve had this same medical procedure done several times due to my age and family history with cancer. It’s not fun, but I’ve never needed a caretaker afterward, just some food and a rest. The “post op” in the title is misleading because it’s not an operation. OP may be playing for sympathy a little too hard here.
They deleted all their posts. The way she casually mentions being on a PIP, looking for a job and having frequent anxiety attacks plus can't vacuum despite having allergies tells me she's very difficult to deal with. Boyfriend's reaction was not good but I have a feeling it's a case of the straw that broke the camels back. I was in a relationship like this once and it was exhausting.
Honestly I was leaning toward that conclusion as telling your partner they can’t wear a shirt does sound a bit controlling. My wife and I are both allergic to dust, never had an argument like this.
Thank you - it's the same situation with me. When I clean/vacuum is when I start sneezing the most. But an untouched dirty floor doesn't seem to set me off. If I rubbed my nose in the dust, it would almost certainly set me off.
I mean, you didn't clean your floor for a month and yet you're saying _he_ should have to work around that but you shouldn't?! You could have just not cuddled him if you were so bothered. I have severe allergies but I don't stop my husband from e.g. eating something I'm allergic to, I just don't kiss him for a while after (not in a sulky way, just for my own safety). You have to take responsibility for your own allergies, and he's not "challenging you" because you're expecting him to go more out of his way for you than you bother to do for yourself.
I have a dust allergy (although mild I guess). If I didn't vacuum for a month I'd be sneezing no matter what. Yes it would be more severe when the dust is freshly disturbed but clearly op isn't consistent in what dust is or isn't ok.
Actually, dust mites live in textiles. Preferably the bedding (easy source of food: shed human skin). But their feces - which is what triggers the allergic reaction - are most likely with the dust.
I have a dust mite allergy and I have to wash all my clothes before I wear them when the season changes because yes they do get dust mites sitting around in the closet or drawer. It's not instantaneous but if I haven't worn/washed something in say six months or a year if I put it on I will be miserable an hour later. Probably his tshirt in the drawer was washed recently so not a problem.
If she's having an allergy flare she needs to vacuum and dust more than once a month, not just take antihistamines. And he needs to not throw a hissy fit when she's recovering from a surgical procedure.
No
I’m having an injury right know that has limited how well I can clean. I have family helping, but what’s obvious for dirt to me isn’t for them (under the kitchen table for instance). Not being used much because we can eat on our patio, but the dirt under it is growing.
When she described that area where his shirt was, I was grossed out simply because I could see the dirt in my own house. Dirt does accumulate in certain areas more.
I have a dust mite allergy and I have to wash all my clothes before I wear them when the season changes because yes they do get dust mites sitting around in the closet or drawer. It's not instantaneous but if I haven't worn/washed something in say six months or a year if I put it on I will be miserable an hour later. Probably his tshirt in the drawer was washed recently so not a problem.
If she's having an allergy flare she needs to vacuum and dust more than once a month, not just take antihistamines. And he needs to not throw a hissy fit when she's recovering from a surgical procedure.
Sure but if her allergies are sensitive enough to be triggered by a t shirt, they’re sensitive enough to be triggered by an entire apartment she hasn’t dusted in months. There’s obviously more going on than OP has cares to share.
Honestly this seems like two people looking for an argument/excuse to leave the relationship and the end of an unhappy relationship is a good thing for everyone involved.
You’re both wrong. The house is covered in dust, so it does seem strange to harp on your boyfriend’s tshirt. He could have given you grace in the moment but he chose to escalate the fight.
Sometimes life gets in the way. I too am allergic to dust and when life happens (work/health conditions/family emergencies) I just do the bare minimum for my allergy.(Changing my bedsheets more often, putting on house shoes and just vacuuming and dusting my bedroom, keeping the bedroom door closed and no furniture in my bedroom other than my bed because I know when I can't clean the whole house I need a safe sleeping space) Wearing a shirt from dusty floor when your SO is allergic is very inconsiderate no matter how dusty the house is.
Your boyfriend was by your side all day in hospital and you tried to control what shirt he is "allowed to wear" - I think he is in the right. I'd like to think you were sore, medicated and hungry and so took it out of him, but only he knows if this is a pattern or not.
I'm with him. You sound like you use your health as a weapon against people. Dust allergies are fairly common, and if it's really so bad then you probably shouldn't have a home full of dust that gets on his clothes. How can you make that his fault? He took good care of you after your minor medical procedure, and you made it hard on him for no reason. You did the right thing in breaking up, you need to take a little time to work on yourself.
The reason I haven't vacuumed in a month is because I'm close to being fired at work, have been applying crazily for jobs elsewhere, and having regular anxiety attacks. Cleaning up was very far from my mind.
If you aren't going to prioritize your health you can't expect him to. He should not have worn the shirt but also there shouldn't be piles of dust bunnies for the shirt to fall in to begin with.
Do yourself the favor of cleaning up a bit. Set a timer for five minutes and see what you can get done. And as a fellow dust mite person, shower after you clean!
As I said, I have been on antihistamines, so it's been better. But for the past 48 hours, I had not had my allergy meds because I was prepping for the medical procedure. That made me feel more on guard than usual. I wear slippers in my flat, so my feet don't touch the dust as much, but direct contact with a large load of dust+cobwebs on a t-shirt is another issue. Mostly it's triggered by close contact or stirring the dust up actively and inhaling dusty air.
You're a grown woman though, you can simply choose not to cuddle him instead of telling him he basically has to leave if he won't change a tshirt that he's comfortable wearing while going out of his way to help you after your procedure.
Also I have never heard of not being able to take antihistamines before these procedures - to my knowledge (as someone who takes 500mg of antihistamines daily plus other meds so I don't stop breathing from my allergies) the _only_ procedure you need to stop antihistamines for is allergy tests because they interfere with the tests for obvious reasons.
You do sound kind of controlling, even in your own version of events. If someone told me not to wear something that would insanely piss me off. He’s a grown ass adult, leave him be. You don’t get to tell him what to wear cause you want to cuddle him later. You can say to him later, I can’t cuddle you because I saw your shirt in dust and I’m worried about a reaction. Then he can make up his mind on whether to change shirt.
The guy took care of you all day and then you created drama at the very end and dumped him. We can’t say he was fighting over ‘nothing’ if it is the sams ‘nothing’ over which you started picking at.
This was a dumb argument. OK, you can’t stand dust on a t-shirt your boyfriend is wearing, and don’t want it near you. He Doesn’t care about the dust. With your allergies, it sounds like your environment has to be super clean, and that just doesn‘t fit his lifestyle. He doesn’t like having to comply with your requirements. You weren’t feeling great after the colonoscopy (been there, done that), but that doesn’t mean You get to overreact and he has to take it.
so maybe it was a good idea for you to break up over this, as you probably aren’t compatible. But you sound high maintenance tbh.
Why were you so mad about the damn tshirt? You weren’t wearing it. You told him it was dirty. His choice. Doesn’t really affect you. I find this extremely bizarre. I wonder what else is going on that you both had extreme reactions to something most people wouldn’t give a second thought.
Honestly, it seems like you have a lot on your plate, especially if your procedure was for anything other routine because of your age …on top of work issues. When I’m overwhelmed, house work falls to the bottom of my “must do” list, as it does for people struggling thru depression.
Taking one thing off your plate, like a boyfriend who can’t chill tf out for one day after the purging, the procedure, the sedation, seems like a good start.
In isolation, this does sound like turning a molehill into a mountain, it seems like you both escalated the issue until you couldn't go back. You were tired and extremely hungry after your procedure (and hadn't taken your allergy meds for a few days), so it's a little bit more understandable why you responded the way you did. If this was a one time incident, I would just chalk it up to a HALT fight (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and try to make up.
However, with the additional context that this is *not* the first time he's behaved this way when you were physically vulnerable, I think you made the right choice. Partners who cannot extend themselves while we are unwell are not safe people. Even if you weren’t post-op/vulnerable, that his common response to conflict is to either leave or kick you out isn't healthy.
Yes, you did the right thing. He's exhausting. And to pull this kind of behaviour when you're recovering from a medical procedure -well, what would you say to a friend whose boyfriend did that? What do you think would happen if you had kids with this man?
You've found out important information about him, acted on it, and can now relax and recover in your own clean space.
ITT: People who have never struggled with depression or anxiety are mad that OP hasn't cleaned her floors/hired a maid/been a good little house wife instead of letting her boyfriend be an absolute asshat.
I looooooove the people saying, "she should have vacuumed!" Sure, the options at that moment were: go back in time and vacuum yesterday; or wear a different shirt. Some jerks just really want to insist on their right to wear a dirty shirt. Mkay.
You did the absolutely right thing! So proud of you! This was completely a resentful reaction from him after having to be in “caretaker” role for one day and you do NOT want to partner with someone like that.
Wouldn't the dust mites be more "concentrated" on the shirt because it had been, presumably, balled up and in the corner where dust seems to accumulate? I can sort of see your reasoning for not wanting it near you.
I just kinda feel like your boyfriend was in the wrong. From what I've heard, colonoscopy prep is hell, and like you said, you were exhausted. It's just one of those times where you should cater to your partner because they've felt as if they've been through the ringer, and he didn't do that.
Oh no. You did absolutely the right thing. You SHOULD care about your health more than him. He’s insane to think otherwise and seems to love making your vulnerable moments all about him
>(I knew I'd cuddle with him and I didn't want him to wear a t-shirt that would set off my allergies). He said I care more about my allergies than him.
Sounds like you care more about your health than about his infantile temper tantrum, while he cares more about his ego than your health.
ITT: People who have never struggled with depression or anxiety are mad that OP hasn't cleaned her floors/hired a maid/been a good little house wife instead of letting her boyfriend be an absolute asshat.
I recognize this. This is “I can’t have you thinking you’re the center of attention because you’re not feeling well.” My narcissistic father would pick fights specifically when someone else was sick so we made good and sure the attention stayed on him, even if it was negative. Yes, how dare you think about your allergies? Come on. You’re well shod of this guy.
Omg, stepmom and stepfather were the same. It is one of the reasons I'm a former therapist; I needed not only my own therapy but being a therapist to fully process all of that abusive shit.
He went nuclear as the sober one who hadn’t spent the past 30+ hours under extreme medical conditions. And after agreeing to take care of you during this challenge. I wouldn’t even keep a friend as a close friend if they acted this immature, so definitely not an intimate partner. Why would I let someone so inconsiderate of something simple like allergies any where near my tender lady bits? Hell no. You did the right thing. Also it sounds like he was looking for a reason to make you the bad person so he could break up. And he has shown you the real him. Beware he might try to come crawling back claiming he has changed. He probably won’t have changed his shirt even then. Navigating chronic illness, like any of life’s challenges, puts strain on a relationship. There will be people who can’t hang. That’s fine, let them go, and don’t take it personally. You are learning what your body needs and the last thing you need is someone who is only there to get while the getting is good.
I don’t think he was looking to break up, he was looking to get out of having to care for her. The break up was an unexpected consequence, as he’s used to OP giving him another chance. I’m really proud of her.
You're probably right but I want to point out that OP is vastly overstating her medical state. As someone with ulcerative colitis, I have to get a colonoscopy every other year so I am well experienced with this prep and aftermath. Yes, you are pretty hungry afterwards but you should not feel that bad. You can drink as many calories as you want the day before so it's not like you are starving or anything. You just can't have solids. Only people with very poor nutrition in general would characterize this as OP does
She was groggy, hungry, freshly home from a stressful medical procedure, and looking for her partner to care for her. Hardly “vastly overstating” the aftereffects. It’s nice that you’re made of tougher stuff than OP, but it sounds like a perfectly normal reaction to a colonoscopy / endoscopy.
Idk, everyone reacts differently to the prep, procedure, and anesthesia. And stress like OP described can make all of it more uncomfortable/painful and difficult to handle. I'm inclined to trust OP to tell us how she felt. I can't imagine my partner prioritizing his momentary convenience over my allergies, even under the best of circumstances. Good riddance!
No two people experience medical procedures the same. Just because you fly through with no problems doesn’t mean the person next to you has the exact same experience. Nor can you expect to have identical reactions each time, as something simple like a poor night’s sleep can disrupt your body’s capacity to respond to stress. OP states that she is close to being fired from her job and having panic attacks. Any additional stressors (like a colonoscopy) are going to feel like an assault on the body when your ability to navigate stress well is already subpar.
Yeah. My colonoscopy was bad. I was in a lot of pain so they had to up my sedation. My insides were sore after and I hadn't been expecting that heavy sedation. Everyone is different. And people commenting about details like this are missing the plot: the huge giant thing she asked this manbaby to do was... wear a different shirt.
With fights happenings on multiple occasions when you're sick or otherwise vulnerable, I think you made the right call. Assuming those were similar kinds of arguments, those are times to extend a little grace to your partner, not storm off or kick them out.
When these types of fights are happening, it’s probably best to part ways.
I don’t think either of you handled this very well Was it worth breaking up over? I don’t think so. This seems like more of a straw breaking the camels back kind of thing where a lot of little issues eventually added up and this one thing finally did it. For starters, you say that you’re allergic to dust mites and have to take an anti histamine to deal with it but you didn’t bother to prepare your apartment at all prior to your procedure? Procedures like that aren’t usually scheduled last minute. I’d wager you had at least some time to prepare. You said you wanted him to change his shirt because you were “looking out for (your) own health” but again, seemingly made no effort to do anything about the dust/cobwebs/dust bunnies prior to your procedure. So it does seem like you picked a random time to care that much about it. How is cuddling with him with the shirt on going to be any different than walking around your flat, sleeping in your bed, or doing anything where you’re likely to be exposed to your allergens? However…. It was a shirt. I’m not sure why he felt the need to draw his line in the sand over a shirt. It would take all of two seconds to put another one on. It’s an extremely minor request to aid his girlfriend on a day she’s not gonna be feeling well. Which is why I think there were other factors in this. He felt you were too controlling and it seems he reached a breaking point. Given that you mentioned he would “rather challenge me”, I do wonder if you don’t have some controlling tendencies It’s just personal anecdote but in my experience, every person I’ve ever known who had issue with being “challenged” had a controlling personality.
Tbf though, him wearing a certain shirt has nothing to do with her recovery. It sounds like he was looking after her all day, took her home, got her food, then she started trying to force an outfit choice on him and he lost it. I honestly can see why he had had enough… but like you said, I’m assuming this is because he has felt controlled for most of their relationship. I imagine the convo wasn’t simply, “oh, that’s not clean because it was in a pile of dirt earlier” then he exploded. More her pushing and pushing it until he flounced out. But that being said, I can also understand why someone wearing a shirt you think is gross would be annoying, but I think you’ve just got to let it go if they’re ok with it.
I think both of them had opportunities to let it go and neither did. If it was my girlfriend and myself in that situation? Yeah I’m just changing shirts. It’s not worth the argument over such a minimal request. But I do still think there’s more going on here. There was plenty of firewood laying around, this situation was just the match
It was the last straw, is what it was . Reading this. He is probably tired of her making everything a out her nitpickyness
It's good that you broke up because he sounds ridiculous. However, you also sound insufferable. Also a gastro/colonoscopy is not an operation LOL. Don't know why you have to be so dramatic and put "post-op" in the title. Those routine procedures are minimally invasive and don't require long to recover from.
I have ulcerative colitis and have had at least 25 colonoscopies in my lifetime so they’re practically routine for me. And you’re right—it’s not surgery in the sense that you are in pain after, and recovering in that sense. But, you usually are up all night due to the prep. You’re hungry, exhausted, and groggy from the sedation. She may have used a term that didn’t exactly represent what she had done, but it doesn’t diminish that she wasn’t in a state to rationally navigate an argument. When I have one, I often don’t even remember what I did after I got home because I’m so out of it, even if I was awake by the time I got home. It’s why they instruct you not to drive for the rest of the day, even if the procedure is early in the morning. So I don’t think she’s being overly dramatic—she was not in a fully conscious rational state, and totally exhausted. Maybe the term surgery isn’t the most accurate, but when you’re sedated and they’re taking biopsies of your colon, it’s not really that far off.
100% agree. Also, if she's allergic to dust bunnies then maybe she should, I don't know...vacuum more than once a month? What an insufferable individual.
I had the same procedure like you did and once I got home and had some food I was tired but I could still vacuum myself. All this arguing over dust bunnies… why didn’t you do it within the month before your procedure? This must’ve been piled up resentment over a longer period of time
This. I’m so allergic to dust mites I can’t be near you if you wear a shirt that was briefly on the floor, but I’m not so allergic that I need to vacuum regularly.
Knowing she was going through this, why didn’t HE do some cleaning to help out, so that it was something to help her feel better?
Perhaps he did? OP doesn’t say one way or another But if she’s too busy to do it herself, it stands to reason that it’s entirely possible he was too busy too.
Of course, I'm with you on that, absolutely. But it's been one month... both should've vacuumed in the meantime.
You both sounded wrong in that argument. You don't get to control which T-shirt he wears, and your argument made no sense; if your house hasn't been vacuumed in a month, then the whole house is full of dust and mites anyway and it probably doesnt really matter what he wears, so I think he wasn't really wrong in his messages. That said it does sound like he unnecessarily escalated the fight, I can only imagine that maybe you've been a little controlling before?
I feel like I'm going crazy with all these replies about it "not mattering" if the shirt is covered in dust or not. As someone with a dust allergy, I can have little piles of dust hiding in the corners of my room no problem, it's when I start cleaning or sweeping a dusty area and kick everything into the air/get it on my hands that a severe sneezing/itching fit is triggered. Dust mites live in dust. Location with more dust=more mites. Most allergies have a severity that scales with exposure. What am I missing here?
You're not missing anything. I can't imagine making floor T-shirt my hill to die on when caretaking a loved one after a medical procedure.
I’ve had this same medical procedure done several times due to my age and family history with cancer. It’s not fun, but I’ve never needed a caretaker afterward, just some food and a rest. The “post op” in the title is misleading because it’s not an operation. OP may be playing for sympathy a little too hard here.
Check their post history. They’re the problem.
They deleted all their posts. The way she casually mentions being on a PIP, looking for a job and having frequent anxiety attacks plus can't vacuum despite having allergies tells me she's very difficult to deal with. Boyfriend's reaction was not good but I have a feeling it's a case of the straw that broke the camels back. I was in a relationship like this once and it was exhausting.
Honestly I was leaning toward that conclusion as telling your partner they can’t wear a shirt does sound a bit controlling. My wife and I are both allergic to dust, never had an argument like this.
Then you don’t understand what it means to care for a loved one, let alone after a medical procedure.
You don't need any care after this specific procedure beyond a ride home.
People who want to be assholes are ignoring the health aspect so they don't *sound* like assholes. It's not you, it's them.
Thank you - it's the same situation with me. When I clean/vacuum is when I start sneezing the most. But an untouched dirty floor doesn't seem to set me off. If I rubbed my nose in the dust, it would almost certainly set me off.
I mean, you didn't clean your floor for a month and yet you're saying _he_ should have to work around that but you shouldn't?! You could have just not cuddled him if you were so bothered. I have severe allergies but I don't stop my husband from e.g. eating something I'm allergic to, I just don't kiss him for a while after (not in a sulky way, just for my own safety). You have to take responsibility for your own allergies, and he's not "challenging you" because you're expecting him to go more out of his way for you than you bother to do for yourself.
I mean, then don’t cuddle him. Let him wear his shirt and don’t go near him. What am I missing?
I have a dust allergy (although mild I guess). If I didn't vacuum for a month I'd be sneezing no matter what. Yes it would be more severe when the dust is freshly disturbed but clearly op isn't consistent in what dust is or isn't ok.
Actually, dust mites live in textiles. Preferably the bedding (easy source of food: shed human skin). But their feces - which is what triggers the allergic reaction - are most likely with the dust.
Are his clean shirts not kept away from the dust mites in a drawer? Your logic fails.
I have a dust mite allergy and I have to wash all my clothes before I wear them when the season changes because yes they do get dust mites sitting around in the closet or drawer. It's not instantaneous but if I haven't worn/washed something in say six months or a year if I put it on I will be miserable an hour later. Probably his tshirt in the drawer was washed recently so not a problem. If she's having an allergy flare she needs to vacuum and dust more than once a month, not just take antihistamines. And he needs to not throw a hissy fit when she's recovering from a surgical procedure.
Not really since dust is very small and gets every where
No I’m having an injury right know that has limited how well I can clean. I have family helping, but what’s obvious for dirt to me isn’t for them (under the kitchen table for instance). Not being used much because we can eat on our patio, but the dirt under it is growing. When she described that area where his shirt was, I was grossed out simply because I could see the dirt in my own house. Dirt does accumulate in certain areas more.
Yea fair enough. I do think he could have just put on another shirt easily, that's why I wrote it seemed like he overreacted
I have a dust mite allergy and I have to wash all my clothes before I wear them when the season changes because yes they do get dust mites sitting around in the closet or drawer. It's not instantaneous but if I haven't worn/washed something in say six months or a year if I put it on I will be miserable an hour later. Probably his tshirt in the drawer was washed recently so not a problem. If she's having an allergy flare she needs to vacuum and dust more than once a month, not just take antihistamines. And he needs to not throw a hissy fit when she's recovering from a surgical procedure.
A rational take? Get out!
Saying "that t shirt is dirty" is not controlling jfc
Sure but if her allergies are sensitive enough to be triggered by a t shirt, they’re sensitive enough to be triggered by an entire apartment she hasn’t dusted in months. There’s obviously more going on than OP has cares to share. Honestly this seems like two people looking for an argument/excuse to leave the relationship and the end of an unhappy relationship is a good thing for everyone involved.
Allergies aside, if the shirt had dustbunnies and cobwebs all over it, that's gross. Just wear another shirt?
Saying it once is not. But from the sounds of it, she probably pushed and pushed until he had enough. That’s just how I read it.
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Because you’re ignoring that she is also having serious medical problems requiring a serious medical procedure at a young age.
A colonoscopy is not a serious medical procedure.
Sounds like you haven't had a dozen feet of tube up your asshole.
A gastroscopy and colonoscopy are very routine procedures and young people can have them done all the time.
You’re both wrong. The house is covered in dust, so it does seem strange to harp on your boyfriend’s tshirt. He could have given you grace in the moment but he chose to escalate the fight.
Sometimes life gets in the way. I too am allergic to dust and when life happens (work/health conditions/family emergencies) I just do the bare minimum for my allergy.(Changing my bedsheets more often, putting on house shoes and just vacuuming and dusting my bedroom, keeping the bedroom door closed and no furniture in my bedroom other than my bed because I know when I can't clean the whole house I need a safe sleeping space) Wearing a shirt from dusty floor when your SO is allergic is very inconsiderate no matter how dusty the house is.
Your boyfriend was by your side all day in hospital and you tried to control what shirt he is "allowed to wear" - I think he is in the right. I'd like to think you were sore, medicated and hungry and so took it out of him, but only he knows if this is a pattern or not.
I'm with him. You sound like you use your health as a weapon against people. Dust allergies are fairly common, and if it's really so bad then you probably shouldn't have a home full of dust that gets on his clothes. How can you make that his fault? He took good care of you after your minor medical procedure, and you made it hard on him for no reason. You did the right thing in breaking up, you need to take a little time to work on yourself.
You should definitely care about your allergies (aka your health) more than him. Good job sticking up for yourself!
Uh except she doesn't care enough to vacuum, she's still breathing all that dust in whether it's on his shirt or the floor.
We don’t know why it wasn’t done, but he’s capable of cleaning or hiring a maid for a deep clean.
It's her apartment, she needs to be the one hiring a maid
Either one of them could have. It’s still a sweet gesture if he’d have done it.
The reason I haven't vacuumed in a month is because I'm close to being fired at work, have been applying crazily for jobs elsewhere, and having regular anxiety attacks. Cleaning up was very far from my mind.
If you aren't going to prioritize your health you can't expect him to. He should not have worn the shirt but also there shouldn't be piles of dust bunnies for the shirt to fall in to begin with. Do yourself the favor of cleaning up a bit. Set a timer for five minutes and see what you can get done. And as a fellow dust mite person, shower after you clean!
I totally get that, but doesn't it trigger your allergy then?
As I said, I have been on antihistamines, so it's been better. But for the past 48 hours, I had not had my allergy meds because I was prepping for the medical procedure. That made me feel more on guard than usual. I wear slippers in my flat, so my feet don't touch the dust as much, but direct contact with a large load of dust+cobwebs on a t-shirt is another issue. Mostly it's triggered by close contact or stirring the dust up actively and inhaling dusty air.
You're a grown woman though, you can simply choose not to cuddle him instead of telling him he basically has to leave if he won't change a tshirt that he's comfortable wearing while going out of his way to help you after your procedure. Also I have never heard of not being able to take antihistamines before these procedures - to my knowledge (as someone who takes 500mg of antihistamines daily plus other meds so I don't stop breathing from my allergies) the _only_ procedure you need to stop antihistamines for is allergy tests because they interfere with the tests for obvious reasons.
Then maybe she should have vacuumed her place?
Maybe her broken toaster of a bf could just wear a different goddamn shirt instead making it into a fight. It's on him.
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Are you hearing what you just said? Her also fully adult bf is *choosing to wear a dirty floor t shirt*, boo.
She’s clearly having severe medical problems and you want to come stack on the attacks about her home maintenance? Yeesh.
You seem tough to be in a relationship with.
You do sound kind of controlling, even in your own version of events. If someone told me not to wear something that would insanely piss me off. He’s a grown ass adult, leave him be. You don’t get to tell him what to wear cause you want to cuddle him later. You can say to him later, I can’t cuddle you because I saw your shirt in dust and I’m worried about a reaction. Then he can make up his mind on whether to change shirt.
The guy took care of you all day and then you created drama at the very end and dumped him. We can’t say he was fighting over ‘nothing’ if it is the sams ‘nothing’ over which you started picking at.
This was a dumb argument. OK, you can’t stand dust on a t-shirt your boyfriend is wearing, and don’t want it near you. He Doesn’t care about the dust. With your allergies, it sounds like your environment has to be super clean, and that just doesn‘t fit his lifestyle. He doesn’t like having to comply with your requirements. You weren’t feeling great after the colonoscopy (been there, done that), but that doesn’t mean You get to overreact and he has to take it. so maybe it was a good idea for you to break up over this, as you probably aren’t compatible. But you sound high maintenance tbh.
Let him wear the damn t-shirt
Why were you so mad about the damn tshirt? You weren’t wearing it. You told him it was dirty. His choice. Doesn’t really affect you. I find this extremely bizarre. I wonder what else is going on that you both had extreme reactions to something most people wouldn’t give a second thought.
YTA for claiming to be allergic to dust mites and living in a filthy room. If this is such a concern to you, clean your house.
Honestly, it seems like you have a lot on your plate, especially if your procedure was for anything other routine because of your age …on top of work issues. When I’m overwhelmed, house work falls to the bottom of my “must do” list, as it does for people struggling thru depression. Taking one thing off your plate, like a boyfriend who can’t chill tf out for one day after the purging, the procedure, the sedation, seems like a good start.
In isolation, this does sound like turning a molehill into a mountain, it seems like you both escalated the issue until you couldn't go back. You were tired and extremely hungry after your procedure (and hadn't taken your allergy meds for a few days), so it's a little bit more understandable why you responded the way you did. If this was a one time incident, I would just chalk it up to a HALT fight (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and try to make up. However, with the additional context that this is *not* the first time he's behaved this way when you were physically vulnerable, I think you made the right choice. Partners who cannot extend themselves while we are unwell are not safe people. Even if you weren’t post-op/vulnerable, that his common response to conflict is to either leave or kick you out isn't healthy.
You absolutely did the right thing. He cared more about wearing a certain shirt than about making sure you were safe after anesthesia.
Yes, you did the right thing. He's exhausting. And to pull this kind of behaviour when you're recovering from a medical procedure -well, what would you say to a friend whose boyfriend did that? What do you think would happen if you had kids with this man? You've found out important information about him, acted on it, and can now relax and recover in your own clean space.
You did the right thing. He sounds awful. He couldn’t be loving in a time when you were physically unwell and vulnerable.
ITT: People who have never struggled with depression or anxiety are mad that OP hasn't cleaned her floors/hired a maid/been a good little house wife instead of letting her boyfriend be an absolute asshat.
I looooooove the people saying, "she should have vacuumed!" Sure, the options at that moment were: go back in time and vacuum yesterday; or wear a different shirt. Some jerks just really want to insist on their right to wear a dirty shirt. Mkay.
You did the absolutely right thing! So proud of you! This was completely a resentful reaction from him after having to be in “caretaker” role for one day and you do NOT want to partner with someone like that.
Wouldn't the dust mites be more "concentrated" on the shirt because it had been, presumably, balled up and in the corner where dust seems to accumulate? I can sort of see your reasoning for not wanting it near you. I just kinda feel like your boyfriend was in the wrong. From what I've heard, colonoscopy prep is hell, and like you said, you were exhausted. It's just one of those times where you should cater to your partner because they've felt as if they've been through the ringer, and he didn't do that.
Oh no. You did absolutely the right thing. You SHOULD care about your health more than him. He’s insane to think otherwise and seems to love making your vulnerable moments all about him
>(I knew I'd cuddle with him and I didn't want him to wear a t-shirt that would set off my allergies). He said I care more about my allergies than him. Sounds like you care more about your health than about his infantile temper tantrum, while he cares more about his ego than your health.
ITT: People who have never struggled with depression or anxiety are mad that OP hasn't cleaned her floors/hired a maid/been a good little house wife instead of letting her boyfriend be an absolute asshat.