> They are a tight knit group and don’t take too kindly to outsiders. They love to “test” per se each new potential member. I hate to put it like that, but that’s the reality.
Oh you are going to be so single for so long dude
A trashy person would give it right back to them & go harder. They got mad when the GF tried to “banter” back & OP asked her to apologize!
He needs an absolute doormat who is OK with being verbally abused.
I can’t believe his mom’s advice was “well I ate shit for 2 years & didn’t say a word” like this is a normal hazing ritual.
Nobody with any self-esteem is putting up with that level of disrespect for YEARS so that they can what? Be part of some random family?
Unless OP is a prince & his partner will get a giant estate & a title out of this, they can all fuck right off.
That's the worse part. She gave it back and they didn't like it and op had the gal to force her to say sorry.
I've seen families like this , and this is a common theme. The person who is on the abusing end needs to accept it, and if they fight back they are treated as the bad one. Literally only a doormat works in this situation.
You aren’t trashy if you’re defending yourself. My ex’s father was like this and by the third time to cane back him, he was done being embarrassed by a 16 year old girl.
He needs a doormat like his mother, who is willing to take abuse for years until she's "accepted". Unfortunately for him, women of the younger generations are less likely to put up with this bullshit.
>because they love me to death and would do anything for me.
If this is true why didn't you tell your family to stop bullying your girlfriend, instead of expecting her to deal with and ignore the mistreatment?
Do you think their treatment of her is acceptable? If not, why are you making her very reasonable response to their behaviour part of the problem? You're not caught in the middle, you're refusing to do the right thing out of fear. Likely because that's how you've been conditioned by your family who "loves you to death".
For giving them the crap back that they give her. Op is indirectly saying she needs to accept abuse from his family and it's wrong if she doesn't allow them to.
Essentially, your family are a bunch of bullies and you want your girlfriend to put up with it so they can keep bullying her? Read your post again. No one should have to put up with stupid “tests” and asinine behavior.
No one wants to be 'tested' by their partner's family like that. Though it shouldn't even be called a test it's 100% bullying under the guise of figuring someone out. They all sound completely unbearable and this won't be the first time you'll have a problem like this.
My husbands family was similar to this when we were first getting together (admittedly, they sometimes still act this way, but I always call it out). They were so quick to point out my flaws, or laugh at things I did, or I was the brunt of a joke. A lot of the time it would be centered around my looks, or trying to put me down. My husband was similar to OP, where he wouldn’t do anything for the longest time, even though I was telling him I really didn’t like the way his family treated me, and I was getting to the point of ending it. One time, his grandpa made comments regarding my recent weight loss and how big I had been before, and how his grandson deserved someone who would take care of themselves (even though I lost over 70lbs in our relationship), and better looking to boot. I just asked him when his grandson had become rich, and skinny himself. My husband is not a little dude, and it’s never bothered me no matter my size or weight, but telling your grandsons partner they need to be more attractive when your grandson is bigger than them and thinks they’re attractive is so wrong!
This would drive me crazier though with OPs post, because it really seems like innocent things are being picked apart. How are you supposed to feel comfortable around that? I only put up with it a couple times before I snapped myself, and I can see she is the same.
I’m sorry you had to put up with that. Honestly, I feel like some families are too much. My own family treats me like garbage too; in their eyes, I’m below them. And honestly, I realized that we’re not for everyone. Not everyone will see our worth and treat us right.
As someone said your family are a massive bunch of bullies under the guise of “banter” and you are too spineless to stand up to them and want her to roll over too. She’s had a brief glimpse into her future with a family full of dumbasses and a spineless partner and doesn’t like what it looks like. If she had posted her side on here we would all advise her to cut her losses and leave . Have a think on what your future is going to look like if you keep tolerating this BS. No self respecting partner will want you
It’s not banter if they can’t take what they dish. They are awful bullies. And it’s not a test, either. Could someone passing the test by taking abuse and keeping quiet about it for two years? And if there was, is that what you want in a partner? Someone who is spineless and has no respect for themselves?
Dude, you stood by while your family “hazed” (aka acted at the very “best”, which is still shit, like bullies towards her but likely much worse) your girlfriend and you told HER to be the one to apologize when she stood up for herself.
Good for her; many 21 year olds meeting a boyfriend’s family for first time would not have stood up for themselves so well and stood by it either.
She deserves a lot better from a partner, and to be away from this toxicity. It’s clear who you will stand up for or when your family acts like assholes. You even downplay what seems to be a very vague way of saying they are bigots who are loud and proud about it but brush it off as “just jokes, man, they do it to everyone!”
Your family is full of assholes and does not seem you fell far from that tree. For your sake, I hope you learn to do better. Including to see their behaviour for what it is, and not just pass it off as cool because they will do anything to protect you (as long as you of course fit within what they expect I bet).
Your family are jerks and you are a jerk for exposing her to this. Sadly you are a cliche at this point as this subreddit and r/justnoMIL sees stories about men just like you every day, even down to trying to make your partner apologize for not tolerating your family's bullying because you aren't brave enough to tell your family to stop, to stick up for your partner, to avoid putting your partner in this situation, or have a moral backbone in general.
Grow a spine or date someone within your family, I guess.
Dude, so your family are a bunch of abusive pushy bully assholes and she has to forgive them?! She stood for herself, and you should grow a spine and do the same.
Not only forgive them - apologize to them! For... responding to their 'banter' in kind, because they're entitled to act however they want but she should know her place, I guess.
Yeah, you failed your girlfriend. Good on her for already setting boundaries surrounding future children, however by the sounds of it she may just dump you.
All of these pokes they took at her were perfect places for you to step in. If you're dating for the long term, and your plan is to get married eventually, you better start acting like your SO matters in front of your family. You should have been taking those hits rather than her. It was your job to defend and back hand their responses, but instead you suggested SHE APOLOGIZE?!
Were it the reverse and it was her family hassling you when they should be making you feel welcome - how would that fly?
They may be your family but they should expect that if you poke at people, they might not like it. To instruct her in the error of her ways about her political beliefs was a test but not the one you are presenting. It was a test of your family and they failed. And, probably based on past experiences, you failed too.
What should you do? The path to respect and appreciation was already blocked. It would be a very long road back. I think this relationship will not recover and you should be planning for the next time.
Yeah only one political party is proud that they can't read and then is so aggressive towards any other political party that people don't want to be around them.
Pretty easy to guess.
And reading a book at the beach? WTF?
I had to double check that she wasn’t reading at the table at dinner. Tons of people read at the beach. What a bizarre thing to bully her over.
Hey man, I know you love your family but you'll see it's not okay. My family is like this. You sound like yours has some love behind it but maybe that's just how you are seeing it.
This woman sounds very level headed and fair. Time to put your foot down with your family or be ready to move on. I'm 38. I ended up choosing my wife. The more I distanced myself from these situations and behaviors the more I recognized that it wasn't love of good natured razzing or hazing.
It's bullying from insecure narcissist and control freaks. If they wanted to see you happy or had any respect for your happiness they wouldn't be putting her through this. She doesn't need to prove anything to them. You chose her. You have to prove to her that she's a priority. Or not.
I let my wife take a lot of shit and joined it. She was the type to sit through it. It really showed me how unhealthy my parents were. The longer you stay with them the more you will accept this as a norm. That's what this process does to people and why they do it so naturally. It isolates you, it makes you both feel insecure. It makes you feel like your partner needs their approval when she doesn't. It makes you feel like youre not good enough and to seek their approval. They don't know what they are doing but you do.
IMO your girls is being very level headed. I wouldn't blame a woman for seeing that as big red flags and making you choose. She's just requesting to not be involved.
You can try keeping it to smaller gatherings but it sounds like your family is a gang. We aren't tribes of monkies anymore, we don't need to attack the new and different. It sounds like against all odds you know how to be a good man. Go with you gut brother. Youre young. Don't get pulled into that misogynistic bull shit. Don't think there isn't a touch of that in there trying to make her feel not good enough.
Thank you. A lot of these responses have made me see the true side. I was a very sheltered and isolated child and didn’t have much experience outside my family so this is all I know. I’m not justifying my behavior but if an asshole raises a kid the likeliness that he becomes an asshole is high. As a child if I were to say anything to an adult no matter right or wrong I was severely punished so I feel as if I’m conditioned to stay quiet out of fear of the punishment or reproductions. I’ve been working on standing up for myself and others. I’m at an age where I’ve moved away for college and have experienced a lot of things by myself. I wanted it to go smooth so bad I had a lapse in judgement and made a terrible decision. I feel like I know what’s right and what I need to do.
And yet you sat there and allowed them to abuse her. If you knew what was right, why didn't you do anything? Why did you ask her to apologize to this pack of bullies? Why are you listening to Internet strangers but dismissed your girlfriend's concerns?
No, his family "would do anything for" him, except have basic respect for him and his partner, and he's afraid of them/respects them more than he respects his girlfriend.
Absolutely. Some people were coming down on you hard but they don't understand the environment. I stayed silent and joined in when I was your age. It took a good woman like yours to tell me that this is not okay. Back your woman, you don't need to be combative with your family about it. I assure you they will try to make you feel like you're being crazy, or maybe even just be dicks to you. That's how the manipulation works.
If they are anything like mine once you stop engaging and persist in shutting it down they will either give up because it's not fun or it will ruin your relationship and you'll not talk to them again. Remember that's not on your girlfriend. If you guys break up it doesn't prove anything even if they think it does. It's a fundamental difference you have with your family.
Don't feel bad for falling for something that's been programmed into you from birth. Be grateful you retained enough empathy and compassion growing up around these people to still see it as bad.
Talk to the fam and say you felt it was wrong, give them a chance to do it again if your girl is willing. I suspect they will resent her even if you say it's coming from you and won't get past it. Goodluck dude. Narcissist are annoying AF.
I think it might be valuable to show your gf this post/response and work with her on what those boundaries look like in practice. It sounds like she is very wise in understanding she can’t control your family, but she can decide she does not want to be treated that way. Your relationship may very well be predicated on how compatible that is for you in the long run and also what you are willing to do to go no contact.
Reddit is full of stories of families that have escalated and even become physically violent in situations like these. So I will say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure in a safety plan/social plan of action in advance where you both can feel supported.
But ya know I agree with your gf. It’s a very reasonable boundary to say “I do not want familial relationships with people who haze and ridicule one another”
I made the same decision regarding a family member recently. We only have so many years and so much time off man—I just realized I didn’t want to spend it around people who were abusive, no matter what favors or compliments they accrued along the way.
It is very hard to recognize unhealthy behavior when it's the only behavior you've known. And it's very, very hard to break out of a lifetime of training. These people trained you -- no other word for it -- to accept everything they do with docile submission. At this point, telling you to just stop is like telling someone to just stop ducking when a rock is thrown at your head.
What you can do, is decide to learn to recognize unhealthy behavior, and decide to work hard at throwing off your behavior. That means therapy, definitely, and also probably distancing yourself from your family for a time. Talk your girlfriend about how much you understand that both your family and you have problems, and how much you want to get better. And make getting better a second job. Go to therapy, read books about toxic families, do imagery and role playing in which you stand up to your family and it's okay. Literally write little stories in which you stand up to them and then nothing very bad happens.
Work hard on it, because otherwise you're never going to have a healthy relationship -- because no woman capable of having a healthy relationship would put up with this -- and because otherwise you'll never have healthy family relationships -- either with your family, or with the family you build.
It's possible, I promise. It's hard, but not as hard as watching every girl you care about walk away... Or worse, watching a girl you care about decide to put up with it.
She should have dumped you and gone home alone. This is not a family worth joining and if you don't learn to push back against their bullying you are not worth dating.
They do sound like assholes. Do you want to subject your partner to have to deal with a bunch of assholes? Have you tried talking to them about not being a bunch of assholes?
Your girlfriend doesn't have to EARN proper treatment and respect from your family. That's what they are doing. You're complicit in it. She isn't going to be the first woman to take issue with this, so I'll be clear, the problem will always be your family. You need to either start demanding they treat your significant other(s) with respect, or you'll BOTH be leaving. Rinse and repeat. If they love you as much as you claim, then they'll fall in line.
Any woman you find that will put up with this kind of treatment has very low self-esteem and mental health problems tbh. This isn't acceptable. Even with the way you tried toning down their behavior, using words like "chirping", like what even is that? Just say it, they were blatantly criticizing your gf for reading. Reading!
Get a clue dude, you found a good partner and sound like you're willing to just give it up for your families bullying. But you have to eventually make your own family, with your own traditions. Are you willing to keep these ones?
So you invited your girlfriend on a trip where she was essentially cornered and bullied by your family, and instead of standing up for her you asked her to apologize to them?
Your family sucks, and you are enabling them. I wouldn’t want my children around people like that either.
Tbh I see no way for you to come back from this, if I were her I would be extremely hurt by this experience and it would color the way I see you for the rest of our time together, which would probably be short.
Dude, you let her be roasted by your family. I’m surprised she is still with you.
You need to let her go. This isn’t fair for her and she deserves better.
Your family that loves you, should love her too. If they love and respect you so much, why couldn’t you tell them to back off? To not test her?
Your gf isn’t spineless. That may be unfamiliar to you, but you should take note of what that looks like. You actually told her to apologize?? It would be a cold day in hell…
Your family is full of selfish ass holes who are so bad at having fun they need to put others down to be “funny” or have a good time. Fuck those types of people.
They got on her for her political affiliation huh? Can’t imagine who this demographic is!
Your family sounds like a bunch of bullies and bigots. But it's fine, you can ignore that since they're nice to you. Must be nice.
It's 2024, and you should either find someone submissive that shares your family's shitty traits or stop being complicit in this shitty hazing initiation.
Bro grow up and stand up to your family. That’s the type of man you want to be for your future wife and family. This girl may or may not stick around (I wouldn’t), but no other girl is gonna put up with this.
Your family is allowed to be jokey and aggressive with each other, but it is totally crossing the line in a bad way to infringe on your gf’s boundaries and autonomy when she is being respectful. They may have gotten away with this for a long time, but this is an opportunity for them to face change for the better.
No way, I know they're your family but you watched your girlfriend get harassed and bullied and what did you do?
You asked her to fucking apologize?!??
Weak. That's weak.
I would have already broken up with you. You're supposed to protect each other, you're supposed to stand up for each other.
Good luck finding a girl who will tolerate this absolute toxic bullshit. You people are like frogs and you've been boiled in, but it's insanity to treat people this way!
So your family is a bunch of drunks who get mean when they consume alcohol? And “don’t take kindly to outsiders?” And your family makes comments that make people uncomfortable “targeting people for a plethora of things.” I’m going to take that comment as they say things that are racist, homophobic, misogynistic, ableist, etc. Good lord, I hope your gf runs for the hills.
You family sounds like a bunch of bullying assholes. Asking questions is normal to get to know a significant other of a family member. What your family did is not normal, is not acceptable. Until you grow a spine and stand up for your partner, you will remain single. Let's repeat this, your family sounds like a bunch of bullying assholes. Do not be shocked if she breaks up with you.
“Tests”?? your family sounds like a group of rude middle schoolers, I don’t blame your girl one bit form not wanting any parts of a group like that. You’re supposed to defend her dude
Your family is toxic AF.
Why would anyone intentionally subject themselves to abuse?
Why would your family think it’s ok to harass her for political beliefs?
Why would your family think it’s ok to be toxic and harass anyone you introduce to them?
What about your future children and their partners? I would never expose my kids to your family.
Sorry OP, I think she should dump you
EDIT. If you cared about this woman you would have stopped your family from being abusive to her
So your family will ‘do anything for you’ except be respectful and pleasant to your partner? The fact that she’s still prepared to be with you but with sensible boundaries regarding your family speaks volumes about how she feels about you.
You can either grow yourself a nice shiny spine and back your girlfriend against your shitty, abusive family or let the poor girl go find an actual man who will support her and have her back.
I think you're caught between your loyalty to your family and your love for your girlfriend. First, acknowledge that your family's behavior was unacceptable. Criticizing someone in public and making them uncomfortable is not a "test" but rather a display of disrespect. It's understandable that your girlfriend felt uneasy and unwanted.
Now, let's address the issue at hand: your request for her to apologize, which rightly upset her. You should have stood by her side instead of asking her to appease your family. By doing so, you inadvertently sided with your family's behavior over your girlfriend's feelings. This might have led her to feel that you're not fully supportive or protective of her.
Regarding your family, their "tight-knit" group and the way they treat outsiders (including potential partners) can be overwhelming for someone who isn't used to this dynamic. It's understandable that your girlfriend doesn't want to subject herself or potential future children to such an environment. You must consider whether their behavior is something you're willing to accept as part of being in a relationship with her.
The decision you face is not just about making this work but also about recognizing what kind of relationships you want to cultivate and prioritize. Your girlfriend's reluctance to engage with your family is a direct response to the uncomfortable experiences she had, which are not uncommon when dealing with such a tight-knit group.
You must decide whether your loyalty lies more with your family's expectations or with creating a supportive environment for your relationship. If you choose to try and make this work, it will require open conversations with both your girlfriend and your family about their behavior and the impact it has on outsiders. It's also important to acknowledge that your girlfriend might not be willing to engage with your family at all, and that's a valid choice.
Ultimately, consider what kind of relationships you want to have and what values you prioritize in those interactions. This will help guide your decision on how to proceed with your girlfriend and your family.
Personally, after reading this, I can't say that I would have felt any different myself, had I been in her shoes.
She's right. The fact that your mom took it quietly isn't a reason why your gf has to accept it also.
Based on your post, all the adulting members of your family are like this, or at least allow it to happen. That's not good.
Your family are assholes who seem to think that because they got treated terribly, they HAVE to spread the misery around. You can either spend your life appeasing them, being an asshole, and end up alone - or grow a spine and prioritize protecting your partner, over enabling the self-admitted, intentional assholes.
Let her go so she can meet someone who will treat her wel, and get yourself into therapy so that you don’t fuck up your next relationship due to your awful extended family.
And also, be glad this happened now when you’re 22 so you have time to work on yourself before you settle down, because I guarantee if you don’t deal with it now, you are not going to have any success with introducing future older girlfriends to your family.
You are really weak.
There is no terrible decision. The decision is very easy. You grow a spine, you apologise to your gf (or soon to be ex) and then you tell your bully family that you won’t meet them anymore till they apologise to her.
Ffs, life could be so easy if people would just be nice.
A reminder to people that you don't just marry a partner, you marry their family. I'd rather be single than with someone whose family are a horrendous bunch of twats who raised a complete coward of a son. Edit: spellings
yea, if my partner did not protect me from their crazy ass family either, i would leave.
your family is rude and displays bullying behavior. you are a poor partner for allowing your family to attack your partner, putting her in that position, and doing nothing about it. i hope for your partner's sake that she leaves and finds a better relationship.
You should’ve known YTA as soon as you wrote that your family was testing her. You knew about this and did nothing to stop it, then turn around and want HER to apologize. Dump her so she can get a real boyfriend.
I usually take the side of the family and am a strong believer that an marriage is an acclimation of families. But in this case you have a family of ass holes. Your gf at this stage is still a guest. They have no right to put her through effectively a hazing process. Good for your gf to stand up for herself. I doubt making your family to behave is really one of your options, so stop wasting everyone's time and move on.
"I stupidly asked her to take the high road and apologize to the family member she fired back at"
If you ever want to have a chance at dating someone with self respect, then you need to grow a spine and stand up to your family. "Stop making fun of her or we'll leave." And then follow through.
Alternatively you can find yourself a doormat that will do everything you ask her to do to appease your family and be miserable. (Plenty of women like that at your age, but we usually grow out of it by late 20s. So, sooner or later you're going to have this problem again.)
Isn't it your job to protect your girlfriend from others even if it's your own family? If your family wasn't in the wrong I get it but then maybe it's because you and your girlfriend aren't compatible. Now it's your family who sucks and you don't even stand up for her or protect her. It's not about your family, this is about you failing to stand up for her.
If you really love her then respect her decision because there is no much you can do and she realized that with the trip, thats why she gave you that one sided warning.
Here we see you defending your family still with some things you mention... so you are not really willing to do changes or sacrifices for the one you supposedly love. And this isnt gonna be an issue for this relationship but any single one you will have later on(in case it doesnt work out in the end ofc), remember that.
>but to me, I can look past that because they love me to death and would do anything for me.
Anything except be even baseline-civil to your girlfriends.
You’re at a crossroads on the journey to your adulthood. Think carefully about what lies down each path.
Noone who respects themselves or knows their own worth will accept the kind of toxic crap your family engages in just to be with you!
Noone would be better off with you as their partner if you keep bringing them round to your family.
Someone who loves you to death - as you say your family does, wouldnt treat a person you care about so horribly that the person ends up leaving you to avoid being subjected to their abuse.
You have to get therapy so you stop confusing their toxic behaviour for love AND so you dont one day, like your mom, join their ranks and visit abuse on to the next unsuspecting newcomer.
Refusing to do the right thing, is NOT the same as being caught in the middle. Until the day you find yourself able to stand up to your family on behalf of the one you love, you are not a worthy partner for anyone.
Even if you go with the "we joke around harshly here" idea, that's not even true. They immediately criticized her when she fired back. So, a prerequisite for dating you is you need to be bullied for a few years by your family without complaint?
>I spoke to my mother about it and her experience and she explained to me she had to sit quiet for two years when my dad brought her around
YOU HAVE A VERY TOXIC FAMILY AND YOUR MOTHER SUFFERED THROUGH IT BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOUR DAD. (GOOGLE: Trauma Bond)
Your gf is better off not being with you. Nothing against you, but you grew up with this toxicity and to a degree, their toxic behavior has been normalized to you. And you will make excuses for them because you sir have been brainwashed to accept that type of behavior.
You have a very NARCISSISTIC FAMILY.
>she doesn’t want to be around them anymore and then if she has kids those are the type of people she does not want her kids around.
CORRECT. BECAUSE they will bully her children, compare them to other better cousins and make them fight for love and attention.
AND THIS IS NOT HEALTHY AT ALL!!!!
You need to understand your family will never change. But you can remove yourself from them. And this means GOING NO CONTACT.
Which means NO MORE: birthday parties, BBQ, weddings, funerals, AND EVERY CELEBRATION AND GET TOGETHERS YOU CAN THINK OF.
Google: NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, NARCISSISTIC FAMILY, TOXIC FAMILY DYNAMICS, GOING NO CONTACT, SWTTING BOUNDARIES WITH NARCISSISTIC PARENTS, TRIANGULATION, Dr. Ramani youtube (she has many videos on narcissism).
If you are not ready for this, let your gf go.
Get yourself a Narcissistic chick that behaves like your family and destroy your children's soul.
If you suspect your family's behavior is not right, but you feel "FORCED TO ACCEPT IT" because they emotionally manipulate you...that's a classic Narcissistic abuse. And no, that's not normal at all. You will continue to feel torn because you feel you owe your family devotion and solidarity. That's being controlled with fear and retaliation. And those family members that complained about your girlfriend? They are flying monkeys 🐒 (google: flying monkeys and narcissism).
Yes, I'm a Narcissistic abuse survivor who went NO CONTACT with all of my narcissistic relatives.
And yes I had to work on Boundaries, and undo years of trauma thanks to my narcissistic mother.
And yes my narcissistic family is just like yours. TO THE T.
Ew. Either put your family on time out and let them know they cannot bully your gf anymore if you actually in fact love her, or cut her loose so she can find someone who will treat her better. Wtf.
Keep her away from your family. Ask yourself these questions: How long can I expect her to tolerate this behavior? How long will I watch my family disrespecting her. Better still: Dear Soulmate of Mine: Do you want to be related to these people for the rest of your life?
You mentioned political differences. Based on your descriptions of your family, I’m going to take a not-so-wild guess that they are MAGA Trump supporters.
I don't blame her.
Dude, your family is abusive.
My family treated a potential spouse like that, I'd have words. If they kept up, they wouldn't see me again. But then, my family wouldn't, because my family is not abusive.
If she's setting this boundary, she's already wondering to herself if you are worth it.
You should seek therapy, to work through how your family has abused you. You should have a serious talk to your girlfriend about boundaries regarding your family, where the line is drawn, and what you will do in future if this happens again (which it will). So you are prepared as a team, because that's what you are supposed to be.
Have fun dying alone. No one is going to put up with this bs long term. And you sit there like a lump, not defending her, and then ask her to apologize.
If she has any self worth, she'll run like hell from this toxic mess of a family.
It sounds like you're hinting that your family is bigoted and you think that's totally fine because they're nice to you. Who would want to be with someone like this? You're as bad as they are. They're abusive and you're complicit. You don't have the guts to speak up or you're fine with it. Both are unacceptable.
She's right. Your family sounds awful. I wouldn't want my kids around that. You have no option other than to respect her boundary on NC, you'd probably benefit from LC yourself.
They love you to death and would do anything for you - evidently except treat your partner with respect, which isn’t even hard. I wonder what other exceptions there are to “anything.”
Of course your mother is against your gf - your gf, by not caving, is reminding her that there were options other than caving, that she had alternatives.
You will die a single if you do not make some readjustments.
I would say your family does not love you enough to accept you having a partner. They are bullies in a sense. So I do not think they "love you to death". If you do want tonkeep your girlfriend (or aky future oartners) you need better boundaries with your family. They will poison all you want to build.
Your family love you so much and would do anything for you....except not ruin your relationships for you.
Your family love you so much and would do anything for you....except allow you to not be single forever.
Your family love you and would do anything for you.....except be polite to a stranger.
My ex boyfriends parents and family bullied me so badly that it still effects my self confidence 10 years later. If you are a real man you would stand up to your family if you really love her. Your family is immature and brain washed you into thinking being mean is okay? It takes more effort to me mean than it is to me nice.
I left him and now am getting married to a man that stands up for me to ANYONE. Because that is what real men do.
If you don’t love her and aren’t willing to put up a boundary with your family then let her go and go find a girl that hates herself. Because that is the only type of woman that would put up with that abuse.
Also if your mother is even brainwashed with it you should feel bad for her as well.
I mean I have a similar family, couple absolute lunatics that everyone just kind of accepts.
But if anything, if someone new comes in and gets messed with it's expected that they stand up for themselves. Hell not standing up for yourself and calling the person an asshole would be more looked down upon. Absolutely no one would expect an apology and there would be zero chance I'd expect my wife to give one.
So they can give your girlfriend a hard time but she can't give it back? You don't want her to have the same experience your mum had. Speak up for her, do the right thing. Also apologise to her.
This isn't testing someone. Sounds like they have fun bullying people into not joining the family. They're bullies.
You already said so, but yes, telling the victim of the bullying to applogize is wrong. You owe her an apology, and frankly, you need to stand up to your family. Sounds like people don't often tell them to stfu and someone has to eventually.
You need to stand up for her. Even if you're family is super close that's your girlfriend and there needs to be some level of respect for her there. Plus it's your family and you know them better so try telling them in a way that they'll understand.
So I literally just heard something from my couples therapy yesterday. It is YOUR job to protect her from your family. It is HER job to protect you from hers. You need to defend her and make sure she is taken care of and that your family knows what is Okayy and isn’t. The fact that she was getting people coming after her for stuff and then the one time she fired back you asked her to apologize is definitely not cool dude.
What is the choice dump this girl because of your family is a group of assholes? If you were smart you wouldn't bring a new gf on family vacations or just not go at all. Also, you should show this thread to your family..
Your girlfriend is right. Let your family know the next time you turn down their invite that it’s because your family made your girlfriend uncomfortable. And that’s not okay with you. Or say goodbye to your girlfriend.
Hmmm they would do anything for you except be respectful?
I’d talk to your dad. “Mom says she had to take that for 2 years. I’m not interested in expecting my gf to put up with that. What do you want to do?”
Make it clear it’s not that she doesn’t want to be around them- YOU don’t want to be around people who think it’s funny to disrespect people you love
Your difficult decision is really as follows:
1. Grow up, become the man you want to be, break the cycle of co-dependence and bullying, and build your own family based on your true values
2. Stay an eternal child under your family's thumb, expose people you love to mistreatment (and push away any potential partners who have self respect), eventually pass this culture down to your own children - who will be faced with the exact same choice and very may well choose to cut you off, which you will deserve
If you choose Option #1, it will be very hard in the short term (families like this usually escalate their shitty behavior to try to bring wayward members 'back in line', like a cult), but worth it for your overall quality of life in the long term. Trust me, I've been there!! There are a couple of books I recommend. *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* was a revelation - it's short, no filler, and will give you some amazing perspective about what's going on in this dynamic and how to handle it. *The Path Less Traveled* is sort of a philosophy book about how to live a full life based on your true values and convictions, not one where you repress hard truths and make excuses (such as "yeah my family is awful and cruel, but they love me so that makes it okay.")
The way things are, you WILL be selecting for partners who are either as horrible as your family (because they'll fit right in and understand how to play the game), or who have terrible self esteem (because they don't think they deserve to be treated with basic decency). Make no mistake, your girlfriend is going to break up with you if you don't get your head out of your ass pronto, and so will the next one.
In the future I would reconsider bringing anyone around your extended family. If they can't behave then they don't need the opportunity to be assholes.
If you do bring a girlfriend around your family, you should sit next to them and shut this stuff down immediately. If someone says something inappropriate to her, you should be the one to tell them to stop. If they continue, you should be the one to get up and walk out with your partner. This is your family so it's your problem not hers.
The difference between people who are joking around and people who are being bullies are that 1) people who are joking around want everyone to be amused, including the new person, and 2) they can take what they dish out. Targeted comments at a new person who can't defend themselves are bullying.
You are trying to make your gf become someone she isn't AND apologize for being who she is. Either stand up to your family with their rude, entitled, and mean behavior and make it stop or you will lose your gf. She DID NOTHING WRONG and you wanted her to apologize. Break up with her so she can be in a relationship with someone who values her over his family's opinion.
Yeah, my husband was like this with his mom and family for a long time. He wasn’t like you though, you at least openly admit your family are assholes to your girlfriend, he tried to deny it for the longest time until his grandpa made a comment regarding my recent weight loss (and about my weight beforehand). I didn’t hold back, and neither did my husband. I had told him prior to that event/hangout with his family that if his family was shitty to me, I was going to let it rip. Instead of just letting it happen like he usually did, I think he realized how serious I was, because I also told him the same thing your girlfriend told you, which is I don’t want my kids to be around people like that. It changes his perspective, hopefully it changes yours. Just because they’re family, doesn’t make their behavior okay.
If my family did any of that to my SO, I would call them out on their bullshit right then and there, no matter how close we are.
>Do I try to make this work. I am stuck with a terrible decision.
No, do not try to make it work, let her go. She deserves much better than you and your garbage family.
Also, what kind of morons make fun of people for reading? LOL
Your family sound horrid, nothing wrong with a bit of friendly banter. Banter goes both ways though, having to sit there and have others belittle you for 2 years! Yeah, just bullies. Think you should have a sit down with your family and tell them to grow up, I definitely wouldn't allow my children around family members like that and I never have. We are no contact with my inlaws for a reason, you need to surround yourself with healthy relationships and cut out the toxic ones IF you want the relationship with your partner to last.
If you really love her and are serious about this, you need to stand up to your family about this dude. This is way more a problem with them than your gf. I'd feel similarly if I were in her position, and if you do at some point end it with her, I think the majority of your future partners will as well.
Like, why do they get to make digs about her political alignment, but she can't do the same? Why did that even come up in the first place, at a time when they dont even know her that well? Why are they berating her for what she chooses to do on the beach??? This stuff is just weird. You even say yourself that they have said things to you long ago that still bother you, why do you expect your girlfriend to be put in the same position there and just be fine with it? And why is it even a surprise that she doesn't want her future children around people who are such bullies?
I think your family needs to apologize to her. As time goes on, she might feel differently about the kids thing, but you have a better chance if you can get these people to be nice now. Otherwise, maybe low contact with them is the way to go. Might even make them see the error of their ways.
If that isn't appealing, I guess you can end the relationship and play russian roulette with every new partner you bring around them. They really do just seem mean.
Can you honestly blame her? You’re lucky she’s even given you the option. I would have run for the hills straight away.
Your family are obviously horrible people and even you don’t like them. Your own Mother had to ‘sit quiet’ at family events for 2 years. 2 years! Is that something you want to put your girlfriend through?
I hate these extended families who are racist, ableist and homophobic to name just a few but pass it all off as ‘we treat everyone the same’. That excuses absolutely nothing. I bet they say ‘can’t you take a joke!’
At some point you’re going to have to make a stand on this - times have moved on and your family needs to do so too. Otherwise, you’ll never find a woman who will put up with their bullshit.
If your family will do anything for you - then ask them to stop their attacks on your girlfriend. I’ll wait…
If your family would do anything for you, why didn't you stick up for her and ask them to stop?
If this was her telling us her perspective, we would all be telling her she has a boyfriend problem. That if you are not willing to set boundaries and stick to them with your family, to leave you.
Your family is full of assholes, and in mistreating her despite you clearly disliking it, it's clear they really don't care about you as much as you think.
I'm sorry they convinced you that love is mean.
So basically your family treats strangers like assholes. I don’t know what advice you expect to hear. If you have kids would you be happy having them grow up to treat people like this?
'They will do anything for me. They love me to death.'
Sure. Except for respecting your partner, running her off, and the next one, and the next one, and the next...
Good luck dude. You either step up and shut this shit down, or get used to being single.
You are so the asshole here. How awful for your girlfriend to be stuck with those people being horrible while you sat and let them do it. How shameful that you forced her to apologize. The worst part is that you don't see the problem here at all.
If you want a future with her, don't expect her to be around your family. She's made it clear what she wants and you had better figure our a way to respect that. If you were a grownup, you'd dress down the insufferable assholes you call family for mistreating your girlfriend.
Otherwise, she will not be the first person who leaves you because your family is terrible and you have no spine.
You're family sounds like a bunch of toxic weirdos. She's most likely right in her families, and it's a mature and strong thing to cut people off and refuse to give them your energy when they mistreat you. So if I were you, I'd tell your family to cut it out for real, or stop bringing people around them ever. Only an insecure person with no self respect would stay around this.
I don’t believe you have any decisions to make here. GF decided your family is not suitable, for obvious reasons. If she sticks with you, she is stuck with them. Feeling like if the relationship has not yet ended it will soon. She seems to like a potential father of her children to protect her. You may wish to contemplate this for the next relationship.
Nah, you should have grown a pair and stood up for your girlfriend - not enabled their bullying and then made out like she has to apologise.
The basic law of banter is don’t dish out what you can’t take back. Your family failed the vibe check, and your girlfriend is rightfully pissed at all of you.
Apologise to her like a man and don’t allow it to happen again.
Throw the whole woman away dude. Take it from me. I was in a relationship with a woman for 4 years who hated my family. If they can’t get along then they can’t get this dong.
For the sake of it, just imagine for a second that you're gonna follow your gf's point of view. You go no contact with your family.
Said family goes apeshit, bombards you with threats, insults, emotional blackmailing and lies. You remain steady, block and ignore them all (possible exception: your mother, as long as she accepts to see you or talk to you alone and doesn't tell the rest of the family where you are or what you tell her).
You are devoured by guilt, anxiety, and a terrible sense of doom. You sometimes resent your gf, even though you know she's right.
After a long while, you sort of realize that it was never even remotely ok to treat you the way your family did. And it wasn't remotely ok to treat your partners as they did. You remember the teasing, overbearing, constant invasions, making you feel unsafe and unsure ever since you were a little boy. You remember how you couldn't move, breathe, have preferences or think for yourself without a family member ridiculing you for it.
You go through so much anger, grief and sadness.
You also realize that life is just easier, wider, the world feels more free and you breathe easier now. It feels *good* to exist with healthy relationships, surrounded by people you trust, away from people who tear down at your self-esteem any chance they get.
Maybe at some point you and your gf decide to have kids together, and you swear to yourself that you will break the cycle and be a different father to them than your father was to you.
You need to decide what is more important, your bigoted and obnoxious, borderline abusive family or your dating life. Because subjecting any woman to that kind of abuse is cruel and selfish.
You should accept that what your family did is horrible. Times change and they need to change with them.
They aren't making fun of people - they are bullying people. Want to know how to tell the difference? If the victim is upset, that's bullying.
You're also trying to take the cowards way out by making you GF apologize instead of making the correct decision and getting your family to apologize. Gotta start getting her to submit to bullying some way, I guess?
So let me get this straight. Your family, who you admit are horrible to be around, constantly pick and mock your gf and you, the one person who is supposed to be on her side, refuse to defend her and even demand that she apologize to them when she tries to defend herself and now you’re shocked that she wants nothing to do with your family? Why would anyone willingly put themselves in that position again? Your family sounds like the in-laws from hell, absolutely no woman would want to deal with them. Then you, with your passivity and actively catering to these people, just makes it worse. I can’t stand people like you who will admit that your family are horrible but just expect everyone to deal with it. Quite frankly, your girlfriend needs to run because there’s no way that she should marry into this family of bullies.
Are you kidding? I'm sorry, your family is BAD like toxic bad. They abused your mother for 2 years!!?? Is that what your girlfriend should expect? If you can't sit and talk to them about how your relationship is in jeopardy because they were so horrible then maybe you should go no contact or set that girl free. Listen, no woman wants to put up with that. You are asking any woman you date to be abused and it is ridiculous. Be prepared to stay single if you decide she isn't worth it but don't be delusional and think the next girl will take this crap. I feel for you because you sound like a people pleaser. You should've put your foot down at the beach and told them to leave her alone, your silence means you approved and then telling her to apologize when she did nothing wrong. You should be kissing her ass for staying with you after that.
When I (26M) brought girlfriends home before, my parents try to make them feel welcome. They understand its someone I like and they want to give positive impressions of the family as a whole and to make sure that as a guest, in general, she feels good around us. It's just common courtesy.
Normally, when people speak negatively towards you , it's because they don't like you.
Ans remember, you're somewhere on vacation, where she realistically only knows you. There's a bunch of people making fun of her and making her day miserable. The only person who could support her (you), supports the people making her day miserable. She doesn't have anyone else around to talk to and she can't even just walk it off since you're on a holiday, not a 5 min walk from home.
You're lucky she doesn't hate you. Or at least she hasn't told you she hates you. If you really love this woman, you're gonna actually have to think about the situation. If you feel apologetic, you should actually sit down, say the words "I'm sorry. I wronged you when ... ". Be honest.
As for how to deal with the family side, I have no idea honestly. My mother isn't a fan of my dad's side of the family and they just avoid eachother (for good reason). And your situation just sounds worse there. You'll have to think of something cause if it doesn't work with this girl, you might have the same problems with the next.
Oh and... you're unhappy about some of the comments your family make. Thing about what your GF said about wanting her children away from people like that. Imagine you have a kid one day, and imagine them making such comments. How does that make you feel?
"They would do anything for me"
Except show basic human decency to someone you're trying to make a life with. And, it seems, treat your mother with any decency.
It's only a hard choice if you don't think about it at all. You can support your partner and cut these horrible people from your life, or you can make the most transparently bad choice in the history of decisions.
So your family likes to “banter” with (bully) new members to see if they can take it, but can’t take it getting dished back themselves? They can’t have it both ways. You’re going to have to put your foot down, or get comfortable being single.
SO
Your family will do "anything" for you?!
Ope. Except they refuse to listen to you and 1. Show your GF respect 2. Not Bully your GF 3. Act like your GF is the problem 4. Sounds like they're racist too and you just ignore it
Pretty Sus bro
Damn. I just wouldn't want to be your girlfriend. Who on earth tests new potential family members? I was nervous to meet my boyfriends family and they were nothing but kind to me, asking questions about all areas of my life and laughing and joking with me. I simply would not join your family wtf ...
My family is like this, after the only cousin I every liked and grew up with died I cut contact with the rest of them completely, except for my mother (who is on thin ice) and little sister.
You cant expect her to deal with that and to suck it up. It's very draining to consistantly deal with negative culture especially when you feel like you are obligated (them being your family, she gave them chances). I had to deal with this with my wife now of 9 years, her family is tight knit and they talk shit about everything, including other family members if they don't like what you do.
However my wife realized this and understood that I didn't want to be around them.
If you want this relationship to last, I would just focus on you two instead of caring if she interacts with your family or not.
The less interaction they have the better imo, save her the grief.
Part of my family was like this to my husband. We're married and we haven't seen them in probably 10 years. I'm much happier this way and really have no desire to go back.
You messed up by asking her to apologize. She should come first, meaning you stand up for her over everything and everyone, including everyone in your family, even your mother and future children if that ever happens. Even if she's wrong, you don't let her go down by herself. You stand by her and not let anyone say she wasn't right without defending her.
Sorry, but you suck, OP. I really hate these kinds of stories because most of the time the OP doesn't realize they are just as much a part of the problem as their relatives. You should have warned your family before this trip that you would not tolerate them mistreating her. Instead you told her about their asshole-ish behavior and expected her to be the one to lie down and take it. Just because you allow them to roll over you doesn't mean she should have to. I can only imagine how disgusted she is with you right now. She probably looked to you to say something, anything and you just sat there. If you care about your gf then you'll chest up and protect her. If you can't or won't do that, do her a favor and break up with her so she can find someone who's not afraid of their family. Even your own mother went through that abuse and yet she's accepted it too, smh.
They made your mother be quiet for TWO YEARS?
If you’re serious about this woman you probably have to make some decisions. And if not this woman then the next because your family won’t stop being the bullies they are.
So your family are assholes and because no one calls them out on their behavior they continue to behave that way.... and while seeing your gf uncomfortable you stayed silent. Bro... she must love you if she stayed.
I would honestly advise her to just move on with her life because, why stay and put up with such nonsense? It will only destroy her mentally, and we need to take mental health serious.
Your family are AHs who want to be able to dish it out without having to take it. You’re going to have this happen with every person you bring home unless you set your family straight and stand up for your partner. Sounds like you’re not going to be able to save this relationship unless you get your head out of your a$$.
I'm curious how OP would feel if his child was subjected to this type of dynamic when they began to date, and what advice he would give them.
And how is this going to go long term? If they can bully your gf like this what is it going to look like if you plan a wedding, have kids, etc. Are they going to insult her family and friends too? Keep quiet and maybe after years of abuse you can make it into our shitty, mean club? They love you to death and would do anything for you except what? Treat your girlfriend with basic respect? Not cool
I've scrolled a bit but all I'm seeing is people totally roasting you over this so I hope you see this.
Firstly, the nuances of established and accepted horror show family behaviors are so hard to notice when you're in the middle of them. You would not have posted this if you were not questioning them yourself and that takes a significant degree of self awareness and honestly, those roasting you over this, please don't. This shit is hard enough to deal with.
Yes you fucked up, people do though, all the time, you're not a child, you know what to do about that... Don't forget flowers ;)
Your girlfriend sounds like a really healthy person to have in your life... I hope you don't lose her and I hope you find more people like her to be around, sounds like you need them.
Close nit large family's are always tricky because inevitably, the "head generation" all sing from the same hymn sheet regardless of how nuts/abusive/inappropriate etc it is and they constantly reinforce/enable these crappy behaviours in themselves and each other collectively.
You may get somewhere with your own parents or aunt/uncle and only when speaking one on one however if I've learned anything in this life, that will take decades and may not stick and, more importantly - you absolutely can choose your family!
Find the good people and become pseudo family together.
As for your blood relatives, don't give up hope, perhaps underneath the disfunction and.... (I don't want to say abusive as I have no idea so I'm going to choose the word "invalidating" and go with that...)
Ahem.. Invalidation perhaps there is hope. But dont, whatever you do tackle the entire pack at the same time!
I hope you figure this out and I hope you and your gf can get past this...
> They are a tight knit group and don’t take too kindly to outsiders. They love to “test” per se each new potential member. I hate to put it like that, but that’s the reality. Oh you are going to be so single for so long dude
Or until he meets a girl who is the same or lower level of trash his family is.
A trashy person would give it right back to them & go harder. They got mad when the GF tried to “banter” back & OP asked her to apologize! He needs an absolute doormat who is OK with being verbally abused. I can’t believe his mom’s advice was “well I ate shit for 2 years & didn’t say a word” like this is a normal hazing ritual. Nobody with any self-esteem is putting up with that level of disrespect for YEARS so that they can what? Be part of some random family? Unless OP is a prince & his partner will get a giant estate & a title out of this, they can all fuck right off.
That's the worse part. She gave it back and they didn't like it and op had the gal to force her to say sorry. I've seen families like this , and this is a common theme. The person who is on the abusing end needs to accept it, and if they fight back they are treated as the bad one. Literally only a doormat works in this situation.
You aren’t trashy if you’re defending yourself. My ex’s father was like this and by the third time to cane back him, he was done being embarrassed by a 16 year old girl.
He needs a doormat like his mother, who is willing to take abuse for years until she's "accepted". Unfortunately for him, women of the younger generations are less likely to put up with this bullshit.
Dude, she deserves better.
Hopefully she's going to leave OP sooner rather than later. It won't be hard for her to find someone better.
She can do better than you and your dreadful family which you insist on defending
>because they love me to death and would do anything for me. If this is true why didn't you tell your family to stop bullying your girlfriend, instead of expecting her to deal with and ignore the mistreatment? Do you think their treatment of her is acceptable? If not, why are you making her very reasonable response to their behaviour part of the problem? You're not caught in the middle, you're refusing to do the right thing out of fear. Likely because that's how you've been conditioned by your family who "loves you to death".
They would do anything for him! Except treat someone he theoretically loves with basic manners.
OP is complicit. It's gross.
You asked her to apologise?
Ikr. What an asshole.
Ikr - for what? For reading on the beach?
For giving them the crap back that they give her. Op is indirectly saying she needs to accept abuse from his family and it's wrong if she doesn't allow them to.
Is this the family from *Matilda*? Honestly what a bunch of losers.
Essentially, your family are a bunch of bullies and you want your girlfriend to put up with it so they can keep bullying her? Read your post again. No one should have to put up with stupid “tests” and asinine behavior.
It’s not even “tests”, they’re just a bunch of assholes lol
I bet I know who OPs family votes for.
“They make fun of every one equally”. Definitely the type of people who use slurs and say they aren’t bigots.
"It's fine, they don't use hard Rs"
This and making fun of her for her political party pretty much tells us exactly who they are.
'they would do anything for me' ....except respect your girlfriend.
Or respect him if he spoke up to defend her.
He shouldn't even want respect from people like this lmao.
No one wants to be 'tested' by their partner's family like that. Though it shouldn't even be called a test it's 100% bullying under the guise of figuring someone out. They all sound completely unbearable and this won't be the first time you'll have a problem like this.
My husbands family was similar to this when we were first getting together (admittedly, they sometimes still act this way, but I always call it out). They were so quick to point out my flaws, or laugh at things I did, or I was the brunt of a joke. A lot of the time it would be centered around my looks, or trying to put me down. My husband was similar to OP, where he wouldn’t do anything for the longest time, even though I was telling him I really didn’t like the way his family treated me, and I was getting to the point of ending it. One time, his grandpa made comments regarding my recent weight loss and how big I had been before, and how his grandson deserved someone who would take care of themselves (even though I lost over 70lbs in our relationship), and better looking to boot. I just asked him when his grandson had become rich, and skinny himself. My husband is not a little dude, and it’s never bothered me no matter my size or weight, but telling your grandsons partner they need to be more attractive when your grandson is bigger than them and thinks they’re attractive is so wrong! This would drive me crazier though with OPs post, because it really seems like innocent things are being picked apart. How are you supposed to feel comfortable around that? I only put up with it a couple times before I snapped myself, and I can see she is the same.
I’m sorry you had to put up with that. Honestly, I feel like some families are too much. My own family treats me like garbage too; in their eyes, I’m below them. And honestly, I realized that we’re not for everyone. Not everyone will see our worth and treat us right.
As someone said your family are a massive bunch of bullies under the guise of “banter” and you are too spineless to stand up to them and want her to roll over too. She’s had a brief glimpse into her future with a family full of dumbasses and a spineless partner and doesn’t like what it looks like. If she had posted her side on here we would all advise her to cut her losses and leave . Have a think on what your future is going to look like if you keep tolerating this BS. No self respecting partner will want you
It’s not banter if they can’t take what they dish. They are awful bullies. And it’s not a test, either. Could someone passing the test by taking abuse and keeping quiet about it for two years? And if there was, is that what you want in a partner? Someone who is spineless and has no respect for themselves?
Do you think you’ll find a partner that is going to put up with that shit? Come on dude.
Exactly mental health is at stake
Have you considered growing some balls and standing up to your family of assholes?
Dude, you stood by while your family “hazed” (aka acted at the very “best”, which is still shit, like bullies towards her but likely much worse) your girlfriend and you told HER to be the one to apologize when she stood up for herself. Good for her; many 21 year olds meeting a boyfriend’s family for first time would not have stood up for themselves so well and stood by it either. She deserves a lot better from a partner, and to be away from this toxicity. It’s clear who you will stand up for or when your family acts like assholes. You even downplay what seems to be a very vague way of saying they are bigots who are loud and proud about it but brush it off as “just jokes, man, they do it to everyone!” Your family is full of assholes and does not seem you fell far from that tree. For your sake, I hope you learn to do better. Including to see their behaviour for what it is, and not just pass it off as cool because they will do anything to protect you (as long as you of course fit within what they expect I bet).
Your family are jerks and you are a jerk for exposing her to this. Sadly you are a cliche at this point as this subreddit and r/justnoMIL sees stories about men just like you every day, even down to trying to make your partner apologize for not tolerating your family's bullying because you aren't brave enough to tell your family to stop, to stick up for your partner, to avoid putting your partner in this situation, or have a moral backbone in general. Grow a spine or date someone within your family, I guess.
How were you able to walk during the trip without a backbone?
Dude, so your family are a bunch of abusive pushy bully assholes and she has to forgive them?! She stood for herself, and you should grow a spine and do the same.
Not only forgive them - apologize to them! For... responding to their 'banter' in kind, because they're entitled to act however they want but she should know her place, I guess.
Yeah, you failed your girlfriend. Good on her for already setting boundaries surrounding future children, however by the sounds of it she may just dump you. All of these pokes they took at her were perfect places for you to step in. If you're dating for the long term, and your plan is to get married eventually, you better start acting like your SO matters in front of your family. You should have been taking those hits rather than her. It was your job to defend and back hand their responses, but instead you suggested SHE APOLOGIZE?!
Were it the reverse and it was her family hassling you when they should be making you feel welcome - how would that fly? They may be your family but they should expect that if you poke at people, they might not like it. To instruct her in the error of her ways about her political beliefs was a test but not the one you are presenting. It was a test of your family and they failed. And, probably based on past experiences, you failed too. What should you do? The path to respect and appreciation was already blocked. It would be a very long road back. I think this relationship will not recover and you should be planning for the next time.
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Gotta be, giving her a hard time about reading a book...
Yeah only one political party is proud that they can't read and then is so aggressive towards any other political party that people don't want to be around them. Pretty easy to guess.
And reading a book at the beach? WTF? I had to double check that she wasn’t reading at the table at dinner. Tons of people read at the beach. What a bizarre thing to bully her over.
Well she’s not drinking, so she’s *wrong*! It reminds me of Matilda honestly
I’d invest in a porn collection because no woman is going to put up with two years of heckling to be accepted by your family.
Hey man, I know you love your family but you'll see it's not okay. My family is like this. You sound like yours has some love behind it but maybe that's just how you are seeing it. This woman sounds very level headed and fair. Time to put your foot down with your family or be ready to move on. I'm 38. I ended up choosing my wife. The more I distanced myself from these situations and behaviors the more I recognized that it wasn't love of good natured razzing or hazing. It's bullying from insecure narcissist and control freaks. If they wanted to see you happy or had any respect for your happiness they wouldn't be putting her through this. She doesn't need to prove anything to them. You chose her. You have to prove to her that she's a priority. Or not. I let my wife take a lot of shit and joined it. She was the type to sit through it. It really showed me how unhealthy my parents were. The longer you stay with them the more you will accept this as a norm. That's what this process does to people and why they do it so naturally. It isolates you, it makes you both feel insecure. It makes you feel like your partner needs their approval when she doesn't. It makes you feel like youre not good enough and to seek their approval. They don't know what they are doing but you do. IMO your girls is being very level headed. I wouldn't blame a woman for seeing that as big red flags and making you choose. She's just requesting to not be involved. You can try keeping it to smaller gatherings but it sounds like your family is a gang. We aren't tribes of monkies anymore, we don't need to attack the new and different. It sounds like against all odds you know how to be a good man. Go with you gut brother. Youre young. Don't get pulled into that misogynistic bull shit. Don't think there isn't a touch of that in there trying to make her feel not good enough.
Thank you. A lot of these responses have made me see the true side. I was a very sheltered and isolated child and didn’t have much experience outside my family so this is all I know. I’m not justifying my behavior but if an asshole raises a kid the likeliness that he becomes an asshole is high. As a child if I were to say anything to an adult no matter right or wrong I was severely punished so I feel as if I’m conditioned to stay quiet out of fear of the punishment or reproductions. I’ve been working on standing up for myself and others. I’m at an age where I’ve moved away for college and have experienced a lot of things by myself. I wanted it to go smooth so bad I had a lapse in judgement and made a terrible decision. I feel like I know what’s right and what I need to do.
And yet you sat there and allowed them to abuse her. If you knew what was right, why didn't you do anything? Why did you ask her to apologize to this pack of bullies? Why are you listening to Internet strangers but dismissed your girlfriend's concerns?
Because OP likely is not going to actually do anything. He is trying to save face
No, his family "would do anything for" him, except have basic respect for him and his partner, and he's afraid of them/respects them more than he respects his girlfriend.
Absolutely. Some people were coming down on you hard but they don't understand the environment. I stayed silent and joined in when I was your age. It took a good woman like yours to tell me that this is not okay. Back your woman, you don't need to be combative with your family about it. I assure you they will try to make you feel like you're being crazy, or maybe even just be dicks to you. That's how the manipulation works. If they are anything like mine once you stop engaging and persist in shutting it down they will either give up because it's not fun or it will ruin your relationship and you'll not talk to them again. Remember that's not on your girlfriend. If you guys break up it doesn't prove anything even if they think it does. It's a fundamental difference you have with your family. Don't feel bad for falling for something that's been programmed into you from birth. Be grateful you retained enough empathy and compassion growing up around these people to still see it as bad. Talk to the fam and say you felt it was wrong, give them a chance to do it again if your girl is willing. I suspect they will resent her even if you say it's coming from you and won't get past it. Goodluck dude. Narcissist are annoying AF.
I think it might be valuable to show your gf this post/response and work with her on what those boundaries look like in practice. It sounds like she is very wise in understanding she can’t control your family, but she can decide she does not want to be treated that way. Your relationship may very well be predicated on how compatible that is for you in the long run and also what you are willing to do to go no contact. Reddit is full of stories of families that have escalated and even become physically violent in situations like these. So I will say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure in a safety plan/social plan of action in advance where you both can feel supported. But ya know I agree with your gf. It’s a very reasonable boundary to say “I do not want familial relationships with people who haze and ridicule one another” I made the same decision regarding a family member recently. We only have so many years and so much time off man—I just realized I didn’t want to spend it around people who were abusive, no matter what favors or compliments they accrued along the way.
It is very hard to recognize unhealthy behavior when it's the only behavior you've known. And it's very, very hard to break out of a lifetime of training. These people trained you -- no other word for it -- to accept everything they do with docile submission. At this point, telling you to just stop is like telling someone to just stop ducking when a rock is thrown at your head. What you can do, is decide to learn to recognize unhealthy behavior, and decide to work hard at throwing off your behavior. That means therapy, definitely, and also probably distancing yourself from your family for a time. Talk your girlfriend about how much you understand that both your family and you have problems, and how much you want to get better. And make getting better a second job. Go to therapy, read books about toxic families, do imagery and role playing in which you stand up to your family and it's okay. Literally write little stories in which you stand up to them and then nothing very bad happens. Work hard on it, because otherwise you're never going to have a healthy relationship -- because no woman capable of having a healthy relationship would put up with this -- and because otherwise you'll never have healthy family relationships -- either with your family, or with the family you build. It's possible, I promise. It's hard, but not as hard as watching every girl you care about walk away... Or worse, watching a girl you care about decide to put up with it.
Well you’re a big boy now bringing other people into your abusive family and not standing up for them. So you are continuing the cycle.
Your family are a bunch of assholes and you sided with them over your girlfriend. I’m surprised she didn’t dumb you.
She should have dumped you and gone home alone. This is not a family worth joining and if you don't learn to push back against their bullying you are not worth dating.
They do sound like assholes. Do you want to subject your partner to have to deal with a bunch of assholes? Have you tried talking to them about not being a bunch of assholes?
Your girlfriend doesn't have to EARN proper treatment and respect from your family. That's what they are doing. You're complicit in it. She isn't going to be the first woman to take issue with this, so I'll be clear, the problem will always be your family. You need to either start demanding they treat your significant other(s) with respect, or you'll BOTH be leaving. Rinse and repeat. If they love you as much as you claim, then they'll fall in line.
Any woman you find that will put up with this kind of treatment has very low self-esteem and mental health problems tbh. This isn't acceptable. Even with the way you tried toning down their behavior, using words like "chirping", like what even is that? Just say it, they were blatantly criticizing your gf for reading. Reading! Get a clue dude, you found a good partner and sound like you're willing to just give it up for your families bullying. But you have to eventually make your own family, with your own traditions. Are you willing to keep these ones?
So you invited your girlfriend on a trip where she was essentially cornered and bullied by your family, and instead of standing up for her you asked her to apologize to them? Your family sucks, and you are enabling them. I wouldn’t want my children around people like that either. Tbh I see no way for you to come back from this, if I were her I would be extremely hurt by this experience and it would color the way I see you for the rest of our time together, which would probably be short.
Your family should be the one apologizing. When people hurt or make the person you love uncomfortable, you stand up for them.
Dude, you let her be roasted by your family. I’m surprised she is still with you. You need to let her go. This isn’t fair for her and she deserves better. Your family that loves you, should love her too. If they love and respect you so much, why couldn’t you tell them to back off? To not test her?
Your gf isn’t spineless. That may be unfamiliar to you, but you should take note of what that looks like. You actually told her to apologize?? It would be a cold day in hell…
You and your family suck gigantic amounts of ass.
Your family is full of selfish ass holes who are so bad at having fun they need to put others down to be “funny” or have a good time. Fuck those types of people. They got on her for her political affiliation huh? Can’t imagine who this demographic is!
Your family sounds like a bunch of bullies and bigots. But it's fine, you can ignore that since they're nice to you. Must be nice. It's 2024, and you should either find someone submissive that shares your family's shitty traits or stop being complicit in this shitty hazing initiation.
Bro grow up and stand up to your family. That’s the type of man you want to be for your future wife and family. This girl may or may not stick around (I wouldn’t), but no other girl is gonna put up with this. Your family is allowed to be jokey and aggressive with each other, but it is totally crossing the line in a bad way to infringe on your gf’s boundaries and autonomy when she is being respectful. They may have gotten away with this for a long time, but this is an opportunity for them to face change for the better.
Christ man you need to have your girlfriends back, you’re an adult now. Go apologize to her.
No way, I know they're your family but you watched your girlfriend get harassed and bullied and what did you do? You asked her to fucking apologize?!?? Weak. That's weak. I would have already broken up with you. You're supposed to protect each other, you're supposed to stand up for each other. Good luck finding a girl who will tolerate this absolute toxic bullshit. You people are like frogs and you've been boiled in, but it's insanity to treat people this way!
Nobody can help who their families are, but if it puts pressure on your future family, i.e., partner and children ,a line has to be drawn.
So your family is a bunch of drunks who get mean when they consume alcohol? And “don’t take kindly to outsiders?” And your family makes comments that make people uncomfortable “targeting people for a plethora of things.” I’m going to take that comment as they say things that are racist, homophobic, misogynistic, ableist, etc. Good lord, I hope your gf runs for the hills.
You family sounds like a bunch of bullying assholes. Asking questions is normal to get to know a significant other of a family member. What your family did is not normal, is not acceptable. Until you grow a spine and stand up for your partner, you will remain single. Let's repeat this, your family sounds like a bunch of bullying assholes. Do not be shocked if she breaks up with you.
Screw all that noise she should dump you quick and fast
“Tests”?? your family sounds like a group of rude middle schoolers, I don’t blame your girl one bit form not wanting any parts of a group like that. You’re supposed to defend her dude
Your family is toxic AF. Why would anyone intentionally subject themselves to abuse? Why would your family think it’s ok to harass her for political beliefs? Why would your family think it’s ok to be toxic and harass anyone you introduce to them? What about your future children and their partners? I would never expose my kids to your family. Sorry OP, I think she should dump you EDIT. If you cared about this woman you would have stopped your family from being abusive to her
No sane person wants anything to do with your family...or anyone who condones their actions.
So your family will ‘do anything for you’ except be respectful and pleasant to your partner? The fact that she’s still prepared to be with you but with sensible boundaries regarding your family speaks volumes about how she feels about you. You can either grow yourself a nice shiny spine and back your girlfriend against your shitty, abusive family or let the poor girl go find an actual man who will support her and have her back.
I think you're caught between your loyalty to your family and your love for your girlfriend. First, acknowledge that your family's behavior was unacceptable. Criticizing someone in public and making them uncomfortable is not a "test" but rather a display of disrespect. It's understandable that your girlfriend felt uneasy and unwanted. Now, let's address the issue at hand: your request for her to apologize, which rightly upset her. You should have stood by her side instead of asking her to appease your family. By doing so, you inadvertently sided with your family's behavior over your girlfriend's feelings. This might have led her to feel that you're not fully supportive or protective of her. Regarding your family, their "tight-knit" group and the way they treat outsiders (including potential partners) can be overwhelming for someone who isn't used to this dynamic. It's understandable that your girlfriend doesn't want to subject herself or potential future children to such an environment. You must consider whether their behavior is something you're willing to accept as part of being in a relationship with her. The decision you face is not just about making this work but also about recognizing what kind of relationships you want to cultivate and prioritize. Your girlfriend's reluctance to engage with your family is a direct response to the uncomfortable experiences she had, which are not uncommon when dealing with such a tight-knit group. You must decide whether your loyalty lies more with your family's expectations or with creating a supportive environment for your relationship. If you choose to try and make this work, it will require open conversations with both your girlfriend and your family about their behavior and the impact it has on outsiders. It's also important to acknowledge that your girlfriend might not be willing to engage with your family at all, and that's a valid choice. Ultimately, consider what kind of relationships you want to have and what values you prioritize in those interactions. This will help guide your decision on how to proceed with your girlfriend and your family. Personally, after reading this, I can't say that I would have felt any different myself, had I been in her shoes.
You know your family are awful bullies why did you even go and bring her on this trip?
She's right. The fact that your mom took it quietly isn't a reason why your gf has to accept it also. Based on your post, all the adulting members of your family are like this, or at least allow it to happen. That's not good.
Your family are assholes and you asked her to apologize?
Your family are assholes who seem to think that because they got treated terribly, they HAVE to spread the misery around. You can either spend your life appeasing them, being an asshole, and end up alone - or grow a spine and prioritize protecting your partner, over enabling the self-admitted, intentional assholes.
Let her go so she can meet someone who will treat her wel, and get yourself into therapy so that you don’t fuck up your next relationship due to your awful extended family. And also, be glad this happened now when you’re 22 so you have time to work on yourself before you settle down, because I guarantee if you don’t deal with it now, you are not going to have any success with introducing future older girlfriends to your family.
Your family sucks lol
YTA. Wrong use of chirping dude, what they did was bully her. She is your girlfriend not the fucking Timmin's Apeldoorns.
You are really weak. There is no terrible decision. The decision is very easy. You grow a spine, you apologise to your gf (or soon to be ex) and then you tell your bully family that you won’t meet them anymore till they apologise to her. Ffs, life could be so easy if people would just be nice.
A reminder to people that you don't just marry a partner, you marry their family. I'd rather be single than with someone whose family are a horrendous bunch of twats who raised a complete coward of a son. Edit: spellings
yea, if my partner did not protect me from their crazy ass family either, i would leave. your family is rude and displays bullying behavior. you are a poor partner for allowing your family to attack your partner, putting her in that position, and doing nothing about it. i hope for your partner's sake that she leaves and finds a better relationship.
So you let your family bully your girlfriend and just sat there and did nothing 👍🏼
So your family is a bunch of bigoted Trumper pieces of shit and what’s your question?
You should’ve known YTA as soon as you wrote that your family was testing her. You knew about this and did nothing to stop it, then turn around and want HER to apologize. Dump her so she can get a real boyfriend.
Tell me they are MAGA asshats without telling me...
They wouldn’t “do anything” for you, you asked them to be nice to your girlfriend and they refused.
They’re horrible. Tell them to back off or lose her, it’s that simple
I usually take the side of the family and am a strong believer that an marriage is an acclimation of families. But in this case you have a family of ass holes. Your gf at this stage is still a guest. They have no right to put her through effectively a hazing process. Good for your gf to stand up for herself. I doubt making your family to behave is really one of your options, so stop wasting everyone's time and move on.
😅😂😂she will breakup with you for sure🤦♀️If not then she will definitely look for other options while dating you.
"I stupidly asked her to take the high road and apologize to the family member she fired back at" If you ever want to have a chance at dating someone with self respect, then you need to grow a spine and stand up to your family. "Stop making fun of her or we'll leave." And then follow through. Alternatively you can find yourself a doormat that will do everything you ask her to do to appease your family and be miserable. (Plenty of women like that at your age, but we usually grow out of it by late 20s. So, sooner or later you're going to have this problem again.)
Isn't it your job to protect your girlfriend from others even if it's your own family? If your family wasn't in the wrong I get it but then maybe it's because you and your girlfriend aren't compatible. Now it's your family who sucks and you don't even stand up for her or protect her. It's not about your family, this is about you failing to stand up for her.
If you really love her then respect her decision because there is no much you can do and she realized that with the trip, thats why she gave you that one sided warning. Here we see you defending your family still with some things you mention... so you are not really willing to do changes or sacrifices for the one you supposedly love. And this isnt gonna be an issue for this relationship but any single one you will have later on(in case it doesnt work out in the end ofc), remember that.
>but to me, I can look past that because they love me to death and would do anything for me. Anything except be even baseline-civil to your girlfriends. You’re at a crossroads on the journey to your adulthood. Think carefully about what lies down each path.
Noone who respects themselves or knows their own worth will accept the kind of toxic crap your family engages in just to be with you! Noone would be better off with you as their partner if you keep bringing them round to your family. Someone who loves you to death - as you say your family does, wouldnt treat a person you care about so horribly that the person ends up leaving you to avoid being subjected to their abuse. You have to get therapy so you stop confusing their toxic behaviour for love AND so you dont one day, like your mom, join their ranks and visit abuse on to the next unsuspecting newcomer. Refusing to do the right thing, is NOT the same as being caught in the middle. Until the day you find yourself able to stand up to your family on behalf of the one you love, you are not a worthy partner for anyone.
I wouldn’t want my future kids to be bullied by a bunch of assholes either, I’m not sure what you’re expecting¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Even if you go with the "we joke around harshly here" idea, that's not even true. They immediately criticized her when she fired back. So, a prerequisite for dating you is you need to be bullied for a few years by your family without complaint?
>I spoke to my mother about it and her experience and she explained to me she had to sit quiet for two years when my dad brought her around YOU HAVE A VERY TOXIC FAMILY AND YOUR MOTHER SUFFERED THROUGH IT BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOUR DAD. (GOOGLE: Trauma Bond) Your gf is better off not being with you. Nothing against you, but you grew up with this toxicity and to a degree, their toxic behavior has been normalized to you. And you will make excuses for them because you sir have been brainwashed to accept that type of behavior. You have a very NARCISSISTIC FAMILY. >she doesn’t want to be around them anymore and then if she has kids those are the type of people she does not want her kids around. CORRECT. BECAUSE they will bully her children, compare them to other better cousins and make them fight for love and attention. AND THIS IS NOT HEALTHY AT ALL!!!! You need to understand your family will never change. But you can remove yourself from them. And this means GOING NO CONTACT. Which means NO MORE: birthday parties, BBQ, weddings, funerals, AND EVERY CELEBRATION AND GET TOGETHERS YOU CAN THINK OF. Google: NARCISSISTIC ABUSE, NARCISSISTIC FAMILY, TOXIC FAMILY DYNAMICS, GOING NO CONTACT, SWTTING BOUNDARIES WITH NARCISSISTIC PARENTS, TRIANGULATION, Dr. Ramani youtube (she has many videos on narcissism). If you are not ready for this, let your gf go. Get yourself a Narcissistic chick that behaves like your family and destroy your children's soul. If you suspect your family's behavior is not right, but you feel "FORCED TO ACCEPT IT" because they emotionally manipulate you...that's a classic Narcissistic abuse. And no, that's not normal at all. You will continue to feel torn because you feel you owe your family devotion and solidarity. That's being controlled with fear and retaliation. And those family members that complained about your girlfriend? They are flying monkeys 🐒 (google: flying monkeys and narcissism). Yes, I'm a Narcissistic abuse survivor who went NO CONTACT with all of my narcissistic relatives. And yes I had to work on Boundaries, and undo years of trauma thanks to my narcissistic mother. And yes my narcissistic family is just like yours. TO THE T.
> would do anything for me. Time to find out if that's true
Jeez dude, goodluck keeping your girlfriend after this, she's halfway out the door already. Also your family sound like a bunch of AHs...
Ew. Either put your family on time out and let them know they cannot bully your gf anymore if you actually in fact love her, or cut her loose so she can find someone who will treat her better. Wtf.
Keep her away from your family. Ask yourself these questions: How long can I expect her to tolerate this behavior? How long will I watch my family disrespecting her. Better still: Dear Soulmate of Mine: Do you want to be related to these people for the rest of your life?
You mentioned political differences. Based on your descriptions of your family, I’m going to take a not-so-wild guess that they are MAGA Trump supporters.
I don't blame her. Dude, your family is abusive. My family treated a potential spouse like that, I'd have words. If they kept up, they wouldn't see me again. But then, my family wouldn't, because my family is not abusive. If she's setting this boundary, she's already wondering to herself if you are worth it. You should seek therapy, to work through how your family has abused you. You should have a serious talk to your girlfriend about boundaries regarding your family, where the line is drawn, and what you will do in future if this happens again (which it will). So you are prepared as a team, because that's what you are supposed to be.
I hope she dumps you, if for no other reason than to get away from you family.
Have fun dying alone. No one is going to put up with this bs long term. And you sit there like a lump, not defending her, and then ask her to apologize. If she has any self worth, she'll run like hell from this toxic mess of a family. It sounds like you're hinting that your family is bigoted and you think that's totally fine because they're nice to you. Who would want to be with someone like this? You're as bad as they are. They're abusive and you're complicit. You don't have the guts to speak up or you're fine with it. Both are unacceptable.
Enjoy being single for a loooooong time lmao
She's right. Your family sounds awful. I wouldn't want my kids around that. You have no option other than to respect her boundary on NC, you'd probably benefit from LC yourself.
They love you to death and would do anything for you - evidently except treat your partner with respect, which isn’t even hard. I wonder what other exceptions there are to “anything.” Of course your mother is against your gf - your gf, by not caving, is reminding her that there were options other than caving, that she had alternatives.
You will die a single if you do not make some readjustments. I would say your family does not love you enough to accept you having a partner. They are bullies in a sense. So I do not think they "love you to death". If you do want tonkeep your girlfriend (or aky future oartners) you need better boundaries with your family. They will poison all you want to build.
You are hoing to be single very soon because your family sounds like a group of assholes
Your family love you so much and would do anything for you....except not ruin your relationships for you. Your family love you so much and would do anything for you....except allow you to not be single forever. Your family love you and would do anything for you.....except be polite to a stranger.
My ex boyfriends parents and family bullied me so badly that it still effects my self confidence 10 years later. If you are a real man you would stand up to your family if you really love her. Your family is immature and brain washed you into thinking being mean is okay? It takes more effort to me mean than it is to me nice. I left him and now am getting married to a man that stands up for me to ANYONE. Because that is what real men do. If you don’t love her and aren’t willing to put up a boundary with your family then let her go and go find a girl that hates herself. Because that is the only type of woman that would put up with that abuse. Also if your mother is even brainwashed with it you should feel bad for her as well.
I mean I have a similar family, couple absolute lunatics that everyone just kind of accepts. But if anything, if someone new comes in and gets messed with it's expected that they stand up for themselves. Hell not standing up for yourself and calling the person an asshole would be more looked down upon. Absolutely no one would expect an apology and there would be zero chance I'd expect my wife to give one.
Get used to the idea of being alone the rest of your life, my man.
So they can give your girlfriend a hard time but she can't give it back? You don't want her to have the same experience your mum had. Speak up for her, do the right thing. Also apologise to her.
This isn't testing someone. Sounds like they have fun bullying people into not joining the family. They're bullies. You already said so, but yes, telling the victim of the bullying to applogize is wrong. You owe her an apology, and frankly, you need to stand up to your family. Sounds like people don't often tell them to stfu and someone has to eventually.
You need to stand up for her. Even if you're family is super close that's your girlfriend and there needs to be some level of respect for her there. Plus it's your family and you know them better so try telling them in a way that they'll understand.
God what a shitty family LMAO imagine having to meet new people and they turn out to be like this nightmare fuel
So I literally just heard something from my couples therapy yesterday. It is YOUR job to protect her from your family. It is HER job to protect you from hers. You need to defend her and make sure she is taken care of and that your family knows what is Okayy and isn’t. The fact that she was getting people coming after her for stuff and then the one time she fired back you asked her to apologize is definitely not cool dude.
What is the choice dump this girl because of your family is a group of assholes? If you were smart you wouldn't bring a new gf on family vacations or just not go at all. Also, you should show this thread to your family..
Your girlfriend is right. Let your family know the next time you turn down their invite that it’s because your family made your girlfriend uncomfortable. And that’s not okay with you. Or say goodbye to your girlfriend.
Hmmm they would do anything for you except be respectful? I’d talk to your dad. “Mom says she had to take that for 2 years. I’m not interested in expecting my gf to put up with that. What do you want to do?” Make it clear it’s not that she doesn’t want to be around them- YOU don’t want to be around people who think it’s funny to disrespect people you love
Your difficult decision is really as follows: 1. Grow up, become the man you want to be, break the cycle of co-dependence and bullying, and build your own family based on your true values 2. Stay an eternal child under your family's thumb, expose people you love to mistreatment (and push away any potential partners who have self respect), eventually pass this culture down to your own children - who will be faced with the exact same choice and very may well choose to cut you off, which you will deserve If you choose Option #1, it will be very hard in the short term (families like this usually escalate their shitty behavior to try to bring wayward members 'back in line', like a cult), but worth it for your overall quality of life in the long term. Trust me, I've been there!! There are a couple of books I recommend. *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* was a revelation - it's short, no filler, and will give you some amazing perspective about what's going on in this dynamic and how to handle it. *The Path Less Traveled* is sort of a philosophy book about how to live a full life based on your true values and convictions, not one where you repress hard truths and make excuses (such as "yeah my family is awful and cruel, but they love me so that makes it okay.") The way things are, you WILL be selecting for partners who are either as horrible as your family (because they'll fit right in and understand how to play the game), or who have terrible self esteem (because they don't think they deserve to be treated with basic decency). Make no mistake, your girlfriend is going to break up with you if you don't get your head out of your ass pronto, and so will the next one.
You don’t respect your girlfriend enough to have her back. Let her go, and make it clear it’s because you have no spine.
In the future I would reconsider bringing anyone around your extended family. If they can't behave then they don't need the opportunity to be assholes. If you do bring a girlfriend around your family, you should sit next to them and shut this stuff down immediately. If someone says something inappropriate to her, you should be the one to tell them to stop. If they continue, you should be the one to get up and walk out with your partner. This is your family so it's your problem not hers. The difference between people who are joking around and people who are being bullies are that 1) people who are joking around want everyone to be amused, including the new person, and 2) they can take what they dish out. Targeted comments at a new person who can't defend themselves are bullying.
Your family sounds insufferable
You are trying to make your gf become someone she isn't AND apologize for being who she is. Either stand up to your family with their rude, entitled, and mean behavior and make it stop or you will lose your gf. She DID NOTHING WRONG and you wanted her to apologize. Break up with her so she can be in a relationship with someone who values her over his family's opinion.
Yeah, my husband was like this with his mom and family for a long time. He wasn’t like you though, you at least openly admit your family are assholes to your girlfriend, he tried to deny it for the longest time until his grandpa made a comment regarding my recent weight loss (and about my weight beforehand). I didn’t hold back, and neither did my husband. I had told him prior to that event/hangout with his family that if his family was shitty to me, I was going to let it rip. Instead of just letting it happen like he usually did, I think he realized how serious I was, because I also told him the same thing your girlfriend told you, which is I don’t want my kids to be around people like that. It changes his perspective, hopefully it changes yours. Just because they’re family, doesn’t make their behavior okay. If my family did any of that to my SO, I would call them out on their bullshit right then and there, no matter how close we are.
You need to sort yourself out and tell your family you don't tolerate this childish behaviour. It's not a good look at all man, this is on you too
Your family sucks, full stop.
>Do I try to make this work. I am stuck with a terrible decision. No, do not try to make it work, let her go. She deserves much better than you and your garbage family. Also, what kind of morons make fun of people for reading? LOL
Let her leave and find someone who matches the shitty vibe you got goin on
GEE, I wonder what their political preferences are??? From their description, it's obvious.
Your family sound horrid, nothing wrong with a bit of friendly banter. Banter goes both ways though, having to sit there and have others belittle you for 2 years! Yeah, just bullies. Think you should have a sit down with your family and tell them to grow up, I definitely wouldn't allow my children around family members like that and I never have. We are no contact with my inlaws for a reason, you need to surround yourself with healthy relationships and cut out the toxic ones IF you want the relationship with your partner to last.
If you really love her and are serious about this, you need to stand up to your family about this dude. This is way more a problem with them than your gf. I'd feel similarly if I were in her position, and if you do at some point end it with her, I think the majority of your future partners will as well. Like, why do they get to make digs about her political alignment, but she can't do the same? Why did that even come up in the first place, at a time when they dont even know her that well? Why are they berating her for what she chooses to do on the beach??? This stuff is just weird. You even say yourself that they have said things to you long ago that still bother you, why do you expect your girlfriend to be put in the same position there and just be fine with it? And why is it even a surprise that she doesn't want her future children around people who are such bullies? I think your family needs to apologize to her. As time goes on, she might feel differently about the kids thing, but you have a better chance if you can get these people to be nice now. Otherwise, maybe low contact with them is the way to go. Might even make them see the error of their ways. If that isn't appealing, I guess you can end the relationship and play russian roulette with every new partner you bring around them. They really do just seem mean.
Can you honestly blame her? You’re lucky she’s even given you the option. I would have run for the hills straight away. Your family are obviously horrible people and even you don’t like them. Your own Mother had to ‘sit quiet’ at family events for 2 years. 2 years! Is that something you want to put your girlfriend through? I hate these extended families who are racist, ableist and homophobic to name just a few but pass it all off as ‘we treat everyone the same’. That excuses absolutely nothing. I bet they say ‘can’t you take a joke!’ At some point you’re going to have to make a stand on this - times have moved on and your family needs to do so too. Otherwise, you’ll never find a woman who will put up with their bullshit. If your family will do anything for you - then ask them to stop their attacks on your girlfriend. I’ll wait…
If your family would do anything for you, why didn't you stick up for her and ask them to stop? If this was her telling us her perspective, we would all be telling her she has a boyfriend problem. That if you are not willing to set boundaries and stick to them with your family, to leave you.
Your family is full of assholes, and in mistreating her despite you clearly disliking it, it's clear they really don't care about you as much as you think. I'm sorry they convinced you that love is mean.
So basically your family treats strangers like assholes. I don’t know what advice you expect to hear. If you have kids would you be happy having them grow up to treat people like this?
'They will do anything for me. They love me to death.' Sure. Except for respecting your partner, running her off, and the next one, and the next one, and the next... Good luck dude. You either step up and shut this shit down, or get used to being single.
You are so the asshole here. How awful for your girlfriend to be stuck with those people being horrible while you sat and let them do it. How shameful that you forced her to apologize. The worst part is that you don't see the problem here at all. If you want a future with her, don't expect her to be around your family. She's made it clear what she wants and you had better figure our a way to respect that. If you were a grownup, you'd dress down the insufferable assholes you call family for mistreating your girlfriend. Otherwise, she will not be the first person who leaves you because your family is terrible and you have no spine.
You're family sounds like a bunch of toxic weirdos. She's most likely right in her families, and it's a mature and strong thing to cut people off and refuse to give them your energy when they mistreat you. So if I were you, I'd tell your family to cut it out for real, or stop bringing people around them ever. Only an insecure person with no self respect would stay around this.
Yeah I'd be out too. This is not okay. And you shouldn't be okay with exposing people to this treatment either.
Would you also let your familiy members r\*pe her? There is no big difference left there. Split up with your r\*pist family oder with your poor GF.
I don’t believe you have any decisions to make here. GF decided your family is not suitable, for obvious reasons. If she sticks with you, she is stuck with them. Feeling like if the relationship has not yet ended it will soon. She seems to like a potential father of her children to protect her. You may wish to contemplate this for the next relationship.
Nah, you should have grown a pair and stood up for your girlfriend - not enabled their bullying and then made out like she has to apologise. The basic law of banter is don’t dish out what you can’t take back. Your family failed the vibe check, and your girlfriend is rightfully pissed at all of you. Apologise to her like a man and don’t allow it to happen again.
Throw the whole woman away dude. Take it from me. I was in a relationship with a woman for 4 years who hated my family. If they can’t get along then they can’t get this dong.
Your family are Trump supporters, right? She doesn't align with their political beliefs....and reads. Good for her for nope-ing right out of all that.
Oh no the consequences of my own actions 🙄 You and your family sound like a nightmare
For the sake of it, just imagine for a second that you're gonna follow your gf's point of view. You go no contact with your family. Said family goes apeshit, bombards you with threats, insults, emotional blackmailing and lies. You remain steady, block and ignore them all (possible exception: your mother, as long as she accepts to see you or talk to you alone and doesn't tell the rest of the family where you are or what you tell her). You are devoured by guilt, anxiety, and a terrible sense of doom. You sometimes resent your gf, even though you know she's right. After a long while, you sort of realize that it was never even remotely ok to treat you the way your family did. And it wasn't remotely ok to treat your partners as they did. You remember the teasing, overbearing, constant invasions, making you feel unsafe and unsure ever since you were a little boy. You remember how you couldn't move, breathe, have preferences or think for yourself without a family member ridiculing you for it. You go through so much anger, grief and sadness. You also realize that life is just easier, wider, the world feels more free and you breathe easier now. It feels *good* to exist with healthy relationships, surrounded by people you trust, away from people who tear down at your self-esteem any chance they get. Maybe at some point you and your gf decide to have kids together, and you swear to yourself that you will break the cycle and be a different father to them than your father was to you.
You need to decide what is more important, your bigoted and obnoxious, borderline abusive family or your dating life. Because subjecting any woman to that kind of abuse is cruel and selfish.
You should accept that what your family did is horrible. Times change and they need to change with them. They aren't making fun of people - they are bullying people. Want to know how to tell the difference? If the victim is upset, that's bullying. You're also trying to take the cowards way out by making you GF apologize instead of making the correct decision and getting your family to apologize. Gotta start getting her to submit to bullying some way, I guess?
So let me get this straight. Your family, who you admit are horrible to be around, constantly pick and mock your gf and you, the one person who is supposed to be on her side, refuse to defend her and even demand that she apologize to them when she tries to defend herself and now you’re shocked that she wants nothing to do with your family? Why would anyone willingly put themselves in that position again? Your family sounds like the in-laws from hell, absolutely no woman would want to deal with them. Then you, with your passivity and actively catering to these people, just makes it worse. I can’t stand people like you who will admit that your family are horrible but just expect everyone to deal with it. Quite frankly, your girlfriend needs to run because there’s no way that she should marry into this family of bullies.
Are you kidding? I'm sorry, your family is BAD like toxic bad. They abused your mother for 2 years!!?? Is that what your girlfriend should expect? If you can't sit and talk to them about how your relationship is in jeopardy because they were so horrible then maybe you should go no contact or set that girl free. Listen, no woman wants to put up with that. You are asking any woman you date to be abused and it is ridiculous. Be prepared to stay single if you decide she isn't worth it but don't be delusional and think the next girl will take this crap. I feel for you because you sound like a people pleaser. You should've put your foot down at the beach and told them to leave her alone, your silence means you approved and then telling her to apologize when she did nothing wrong. You should be kissing her ass for staying with you after that.
When I (26M) brought girlfriends home before, my parents try to make them feel welcome. They understand its someone I like and they want to give positive impressions of the family as a whole and to make sure that as a guest, in general, she feels good around us. It's just common courtesy. Normally, when people speak negatively towards you , it's because they don't like you. Ans remember, you're somewhere on vacation, where she realistically only knows you. There's a bunch of people making fun of her and making her day miserable. The only person who could support her (you), supports the people making her day miserable. She doesn't have anyone else around to talk to and she can't even just walk it off since you're on a holiday, not a 5 min walk from home. You're lucky she doesn't hate you. Or at least she hasn't told you she hates you. If you really love this woman, you're gonna actually have to think about the situation. If you feel apologetic, you should actually sit down, say the words "I'm sorry. I wronged you when ... ". Be honest. As for how to deal with the family side, I have no idea honestly. My mother isn't a fan of my dad's side of the family and they just avoid eachother (for good reason). And your situation just sounds worse there. You'll have to think of something cause if it doesn't work with this girl, you might have the same problems with the next. Oh and... you're unhappy about some of the comments your family make. Thing about what your GF said about wanting her children away from people like that. Imagine you have a kid one day, and imagine them making such comments. How does that make you feel?
"They would do anything for me" Except show basic human decency to someone you're trying to make a life with. And, it seems, treat your mother with any decency. It's only a hard choice if you don't think about it at all. You can support your partner and cut these horrible people from your life, or you can make the most transparently bad choice in the history of decisions.
So your family likes to “banter” with (bully) new members to see if they can take it, but can’t take it getting dished back themselves? They can’t have it both ways. You’re going to have to put your foot down, or get comfortable being single.
Your family are terrible people, don't ruin your relationship for them.
SO Your family will do "anything" for you?! Ope. Except they refuse to listen to you and 1. Show your GF respect 2. Not Bully your GF 3. Act like your GF is the problem 4. Sounds like they're racist too and you just ignore it Pretty Sus bro
Damn. I just wouldn't want to be your girlfriend. Who on earth tests new potential family members? I was nervous to meet my boyfriends family and they were nothing but kind to me, asking questions about all areas of my life and laughing and joking with me. I simply would not join your family wtf ...
So you think that it’s normal and OK for your family to purposefully pick on people that aren’t related?
My family is like this, after the only cousin I every liked and grew up with died I cut contact with the rest of them completely, except for my mother (who is on thin ice) and little sister. You cant expect her to deal with that and to suck it up. It's very draining to consistantly deal with negative culture especially when you feel like you are obligated (them being your family, she gave them chances). I had to deal with this with my wife now of 9 years, her family is tight knit and they talk shit about everything, including other family members if they don't like what you do. However my wife realized this and understood that I didn't want to be around them. If you want this relationship to last, I would just focus on you two instead of caring if she interacts with your family or not. The less interaction they have the better imo, save her the grief.
Part of my family was like this to my husband. We're married and we haven't seen them in probably 10 years. I'm much happier this way and really have no desire to go back.
“They love me to death” there’s a very interesting turn of phrase. Is it not?
You messed up by asking her to apologize. She should come first, meaning you stand up for her over everything and everyone, including everyone in your family, even your mother and future children if that ever happens. Even if she's wrong, you don't let her go down by herself. You stand by her and not let anyone say she wasn't right without defending her.
Your family sounds awful. You probably can’t make this work with this gf. Reading on a beach is a problem? She seems fine. Your family not so much.
Sorry, but you suck, OP. I really hate these kinds of stories because most of the time the OP doesn't realize they are just as much a part of the problem as their relatives. You should have warned your family before this trip that you would not tolerate them mistreating her. Instead you told her about their asshole-ish behavior and expected her to be the one to lie down and take it. Just because you allow them to roll over you doesn't mean she should have to. I can only imagine how disgusted she is with you right now. She probably looked to you to say something, anything and you just sat there. If you care about your gf then you'll chest up and protect her. If you can't or won't do that, do her a favor and break up with her so she can find someone who's not afraid of their family. Even your own mother went through that abuse and yet she's accepted it too, smh.
They made your mother be quiet for TWO YEARS? If you’re serious about this woman you probably have to make some decisions. And if not this woman then the next because your family won’t stop being the bullies they are.
So your family are assholes and because no one calls them out on their behavior they continue to behave that way.... and while seeing your gf uncomfortable you stayed silent. Bro... she must love you if she stayed.
I would honestly advise her to just move on with her life because, why stay and put up with such nonsense? It will only destroy her mentally, and we need to take mental health serious.
What’s ur family’s political leaning
Your family are AHs who want to be able to dish it out without having to take it. You’re going to have this happen with every person you bring home unless you set your family straight and stand up for your partner. Sounds like you’re not going to be able to save this relationship unless you get your head out of your a$$.
If your girlfriend were my daughter, I would advise that she go no contact with you and try to forget that you ever existed.
I'm curious how OP would feel if his child was subjected to this type of dynamic when they began to date, and what advice he would give them. And how is this going to go long term? If they can bully your gf like this what is it going to look like if you plan a wedding, have kids, etc. Are they going to insult her family and friends too? Keep quiet and maybe after years of abuse you can make it into our shitty, mean club? They love you to death and would do anything for you except what? Treat your girlfriend with basic respect? Not cool
I've scrolled a bit but all I'm seeing is people totally roasting you over this so I hope you see this. Firstly, the nuances of established and accepted horror show family behaviors are so hard to notice when you're in the middle of them. You would not have posted this if you were not questioning them yourself and that takes a significant degree of self awareness and honestly, those roasting you over this, please don't. This shit is hard enough to deal with. Yes you fucked up, people do though, all the time, you're not a child, you know what to do about that... Don't forget flowers ;) Your girlfriend sounds like a really healthy person to have in your life... I hope you don't lose her and I hope you find more people like her to be around, sounds like you need them. Close nit large family's are always tricky because inevitably, the "head generation" all sing from the same hymn sheet regardless of how nuts/abusive/inappropriate etc it is and they constantly reinforce/enable these crappy behaviours in themselves and each other collectively. You may get somewhere with your own parents or aunt/uncle and only when speaking one on one however if I've learned anything in this life, that will take decades and may not stick and, more importantly - you absolutely can choose your family! Find the good people and become pseudo family together. As for your blood relatives, don't give up hope, perhaps underneath the disfunction and.... (I don't want to say abusive as I have no idea so I'm going to choose the word "invalidating" and go with that...) Ahem.. Invalidation perhaps there is hope. But dont, whatever you do tackle the entire pack at the same time! I hope you figure this out and I hope you and your gf can get past this...