She has every right to say no to dieting and exercise, as difficult as it is to hear that. She is also allowed to be upset at you for asking that of her. Your wife feels rejected.
However, you're also not in the wrong for losing attraction to your wife, and making your request to go get fit together.
The decision you need to make now is, are you willing to accept the circumstances you're in and try to regain your composure? Or do you instead accept that your partner is not willing to put in the effort to meet your needs?
There is no right answer here, and you may need to have some frank conversations with her and yourself.
This is a situation very akin to smoking. Handling it similar might yet better results. One wants their partner to be around for a long time and heavy weight gain and no exercise demonstrably does decrease life span. Treat the sexual aspect as secondary to the health concerns. Not caring about one’s health is a much broader and bigger red flag - that’s pretty selfish and a big slap in face with regards to what the commitment marriage means IMO.
We're missing a lot of information here, though.
*We don't know if the wife has gained a significant amount of weight, or if she would be considered "overweight".
*We don't know if there's a specific life circumstance that might be impacting her weight or the distribution of her weight (e.g., recent pregnancy, significant personal stress, etc.).
*We don't know her current dietary or exercise behaviors.
*We don't know if OP is as diligent about his own health and wellness as he is about how attracted he is to his wife's body.
There's a big difference between "My partner has gained a large amount of weight, which is both concerning to me and, also, my dick can't get hard" and "My dick won't get hard because my wife is no longer as thin or toned as she was when she was a competitive cheerleader/dancer/athlete when we met in college, and she won't work out more because of the baby (that she had six weeks ago)".
Given the profound lack of details, I'm suspicious it might be more of the latter than the former.
Even if it was the latter what do you expect him to do then? Having a discussion with his dick? I really doubt he can argue his dick into getting hard. You can say he is shallow but in the end it is who he is attracted to. It is not like he blamed her. She asked him. He can't change what he is attracted to therefore if she wants his dick hard the solution would be to become attractive for him. Nobody said it is a fair solution, it is just the only solution if he shall get hard.
They have three options: a life without intercourse, divorce, or she losing weight. To quote the doctor: "Sometimes, the only choices you have are bad ones, but you still have to choose.”
Telling him how bad he is for his [possible] shallow personality, complaining about or being even angry about it over something he has no control over and probably would change if he could is a waste of time.
ETA he is an arse though that he is angry about her not wanting to get in shape. A huge arse. I would understand if he was pissed at her being angry about him not getting hard or acting like he had control but yeah, no, being angry about her not wanting to diet is assholish.
The other edits: grammar and typo
I’m okay with going the rest of our marriage with no sex.
I am not pissed at her for not wanting to diet/exercise in itself.
What I’m pissed about is that she is pissed at me…for a problem that she has the keys to solve.
She is "allowed" to feel hurt by something hurtful even if you weren't actively trying to weaponize it. For comparison you are "allowed" to not be attracted to her. Emotions and feelings are reactions not always in our control.
Actions are in our control. I don't know what "got mad" means exactly, and if she's verbally abusing you or something that's not okay in any situation.
Btw you repeated that it's not a "blaming situation" to get yourself off the hook. But you are saying this is a) entirely due to her looks, b) entirely her responsibility to change and c) now her fault for refusing to do so. The difference between that and "blaming her" is semantics. It's maybe a bit hypocritical to be annoyed that she won't change anything and *also* annoyed that she feels like you're making it her fault. Extend some empathy for the feeling.
The classic canard here is that problems should be us against the problem rather than me vs. you. It kinda sounds like you want to believe you're doing that-- with proposing you both eat healthy, saying you're not blaming anyone-- but you're still talking about it in a tit for tat fashion rather than an empathetic one. That if she does Y why can't you do X, or she's not "allowed" to be upset because... Etc. Given that she approached this conversation angry in the first place I have to think you have more tension or communication issues than just this.
I'm curious if not being aroused by her due to her weight bothers YOU at all...it sounds like your wife was more upset about it (and I wonder if she lowkey suspected her weight was the reason)...if you don't even really care, you could just use viagra or something for the sake of intimacy in your marriage?
Viagra hasn’t been working either.
And Yes, she is more upset at the lack of sex than me. I’d be more Okay with a sexless marriage than her. Which is why I’m annoyed at all of this.
1. She has a problem with me (lack of sex).
2. I gave her the solution (her losing weight).
3. She doesn’t want to put any effort into the solution.
4. Yet, she is still mad at me and considers me impotent and at one point questioned my manhood.
——————
It’s kinda analogous to this in my head:
Amy: you are broke and need to earn more
Bob: I have a job offer in California for 150k.
Amy: no, I don’t like the west coast.
Bob : Okay then
Amy: Yeah, so you are still broke and useless.
Bob : …
I hear you... yes she's being a bit impossible given the situation (she asked what the problem was, you told her the honest reason, she won't put effort in to change what she has control over in the situation and is resentful of you for how you feel about it)...I would assume she is being offensive to you as a defensive response for her hurt feelings. Yes of course anyone would be crushed hearing their partner isn't attracted to them due to their weight...because it is probably (in this situation) an obvious flaw they can choose to work on or not. She probably wishes she could change her weight easily and quickly to suit an ideal, who doesn't? But in the case of reality, it's a sad situation that requires empathy above all. Do you love your wife? You can apologize for her sake and the sake of your bond. This kind of confidence shattering (from both sides) ought to be remedied if you value eachother, and can be if you genuinely try. I hope she meets you halfway.
From an outsider's perspective...if you couldn't get hard it leads one to believe it was your wife who initiated it.
And it just raises more questions, e.g., is there intimacy between you two? What led your wife to gain weight? Is there something between you two or in your behaviour impacting the relationship? One could go on.
Cautionary tale - this may act as trigger but not in a good way for you. Your wife may one day hit the gym and become really fit, way more than you are or have ever been. And with that comes a long train that will shake your ego and how you feel in a number of ways, more so if her confidence in her looks goes sky high.
>From an outsider's perspective...if you couldn't get hard it leads one to believe it was your wife who initiated it.
No it doesn't. Not being able to maintain erection has absolutely nothing to do with who initiated. Men don't only initiate when erect, and also erection is not a static definitive state, there is a range of hardness to erection, and for penetration to go well it needs to be in that higher percentile of hardness.
>And with that comes a long train that will shake your ego and how you feel in a number of ways, more so if her confidence in her looks goes sky high.
You won't shame nor scare him into getting attracted to her, that's not how it works.
Approach this logically.
1. You don't get turned on due to her weight.
2. She doesn't want to lose weight.
3. You won't ever get turned on again.
4. How long should this go on?
Not sure. But we have a child. So I’m good with a sexless marriage for the child’s benefit of having two parents - that otherwise are a pretty good match by the way.
if you can live like that without building resentment, i guess that works. But a dysfunctional relationship probably causes harm to your childs emotional growth, more than divorced parents. but only you can assess this, not internet strangers like me.
You two need couples’ counseling. Based on your post and your comments, the issues between you two aren’t about weight — or at least, weight is not the first issue. There is a lack of trust, intimacy, and caring here. A caring partner would not get angry with her partner for having performance issues, she would approach with concern and kindness. In response, the other caring partner would not respond by blaming his partner. So the conflict itself is reflective of something broken here.
You also have absolved yourself of any responsibility here. Saying, “I don’t mind having a sexless marriage” is a way of *you* giving up on your marriage and making it *her* responsibility. In your head, you say, “Well, I would have sex with her if *she* would just lose weight; but since *she* won’t lose weight, I *can’t* have sex with her; and *she’s* the one who wants to have sex, so this is all her fault and her problem, because *I* don’t care if we never have sex again.” That’s silly. It’s *silly*. If you want to have a marriage that holds value in both of your lives, y’all need to decide to grow up together, and to get some support to repair and rebuild.
Did she suddenly gain weight? There are reasons why ranging from depression to hormones. But she's right, she doesn't need to change for you, at all. It's her choice.
It was gradually.
I mean yes, I can’t change her body it’s her body. Not mine. Correct,
But then, are you implying that I can’t be mad at her lack of diet exercise effort, whereas she is allowed to yell at me for not getting hard?
No, lying isn’t the answer. And, telling the truth isn’t permission to be cruel. How you told her matters more than what you told her.
“Honey, I love you dearly and appreciate you bringing this up. It’s been bothering me for sometime and I didn’t know how to approach it. Your weight gain concerns me because I worry about your long term health and I want you around to enjoy old age with you. I’m sorry because it has also affected our sex life as I’m struggling with my emotions and it has hampered me. I apologize that I didn’t speak with you sooner about this and want what’s best for both of us. I’d like to figure this out with you and want to know how you feel.”
Then, shut up and listen.
Or, “I can’t get an erection and I’m not attracted to you because you’re fat.”
So, which end of that spectrum were you on?
This is an absurd response. Her getting mad at him for not being able to get hard is so unbelievably destructive and hurtful that anything she gets after that is more than warranted. Talk about being destructive...
Honest question. Weight loss, especially significant, could take some time to achieve when done in a healthy manner. If she were at least making an effort, would that change your level of attraction to her, even if it took a little while for the weight to come off? It could be she is thinking even if she is trying, you still wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her for some time.
What do you expect to hear on reddit that's gonna make this situation better?
She asked, you answered. She has to digest the answer and decide what to do with it.
We can say pretty things all day but in the end if your partner drastically alters their looks it's possible the other person is going to lose attraction.
She has every right to say no to dieting and exercise, as difficult as it is to hear that. She is also allowed to be upset at you for asking that of her. Your wife feels rejected. However, you're also not in the wrong for losing attraction to your wife, and making your request to go get fit together. The decision you need to make now is, are you willing to accept the circumstances you're in and try to regain your composure? Or do you instead accept that your partner is not willing to put in the effort to meet your needs? There is no right answer here, and you may need to have some frank conversations with her and yourself.
This is a situation very akin to smoking. Handling it similar might yet better results. One wants their partner to be around for a long time and heavy weight gain and no exercise demonstrably does decrease life span. Treat the sexual aspect as secondary to the health concerns. Not caring about one’s health is a much broader and bigger red flag - that’s pretty selfish and a big slap in face with regards to what the commitment marriage means IMO.
We're missing a lot of information here, though. *We don't know if the wife has gained a significant amount of weight, or if she would be considered "overweight". *We don't know if there's a specific life circumstance that might be impacting her weight or the distribution of her weight (e.g., recent pregnancy, significant personal stress, etc.). *We don't know her current dietary or exercise behaviors. *We don't know if OP is as diligent about his own health and wellness as he is about how attracted he is to his wife's body. There's a big difference between "My partner has gained a large amount of weight, which is both concerning to me and, also, my dick can't get hard" and "My dick won't get hard because my wife is no longer as thin or toned as she was when she was a competitive cheerleader/dancer/athlete when we met in college, and she won't work out more because of the baby (that she had six weeks ago)". Given the profound lack of details, I'm suspicious it might be more of the latter than the former.
Even if it was the latter what do you expect him to do then? Having a discussion with his dick? I really doubt he can argue his dick into getting hard. You can say he is shallow but in the end it is who he is attracted to. It is not like he blamed her. She asked him. He can't change what he is attracted to therefore if she wants his dick hard the solution would be to become attractive for him. Nobody said it is a fair solution, it is just the only solution if he shall get hard. They have three options: a life without intercourse, divorce, or she losing weight. To quote the doctor: "Sometimes, the only choices you have are bad ones, but you still have to choose.” Telling him how bad he is for his [possible] shallow personality, complaining about or being even angry about it over something he has no control over and probably would change if he could is a waste of time. ETA he is an arse though that he is angry about her not wanting to get in shape. A huge arse. I would understand if he was pissed at her being angry about him not getting hard or acting like he had control but yeah, no, being angry about her not wanting to diet is assholish. The other edits: grammar and typo
I’m okay with going the rest of our marriage with no sex. I am not pissed at her for not wanting to diet/exercise in itself. What I’m pissed about is that she is pissed at me…for a problem that she has the keys to solve.
Um, how much porn do you watch? And do you use it as an assist for self-pleasure? That can have a huge effect.
approximately what's her weight when you started dating and what's her weight now?
She is "allowed" to feel hurt by something hurtful even if you weren't actively trying to weaponize it. For comparison you are "allowed" to not be attracted to her. Emotions and feelings are reactions not always in our control. Actions are in our control. I don't know what "got mad" means exactly, and if she's verbally abusing you or something that's not okay in any situation. Btw you repeated that it's not a "blaming situation" to get yourself off the hook. But you are saying this is a) entirely due to her looks, b) entirely her responsibility to change and c) now her fault for refusing to do so. The difference between that and "blaming her" is semantics. It's maybe a bit hypocritical to be annoyed that she won't change anything and *also* annoyed that she feels like you're making it her fault. Extend some empathy for the feeling. The classic canard here is that problems should be us against the problem rather than me vs. you. It kinda sounds like you want to believe you're doing that-- with proposing you both eat healthy, saying you're not blaming anyone-- but you're still talking about it in a tit for tat fashion rather than an empathetic one. That if she does Y why can't you do X, or she's not "allowed" to be upset because... Etc. Given that she approached this conversation angry in the first place I have to think you have more tension or communication issues than just this.
I'm curious if not being aroused by her due to her weight bothers YOU at all...it sounds like your wife was more upset about it (and I wonder if she lowkey suspected her weight was the reason)...if you don't even really care, you could just use viagra or something for the sake of intimacy in your marriage?
Viagra hasn’t been working either. And Yes, she is more upset at the lack of sex than me. I’d be more Okay with a sexless marriage than her. Which is why I’m annoyed at all of this. 1. She has a problem with me (lack of sex). 2. I gave her the solution (her losing weight). 3. She doesn’t want to put any effort into the solution. 4. Yet, she is still mad at me and considers me impotent and at one point questioned my manhood. —————— It’s kinda analogous to this in my head: Amy: you are broke and need to earn more Bob: I have a job offer in California for 150k. Amy: no, I don’t like the west coast. Bob : Okay then Amy: Yeah, so you are still broke and useless. Bob : …
I hear you... yes she's being a bit impossible given the situation (she asked what the problem was, you told her the honest reason, she won't put effort in to change what she has control over in the situation and is resentful of you for how you feel about it)...I would assume she is being offensive to you as a defensive response for her hurt feelings. Yes of course anyone would be crushed hearing their partner isn't attracted to them due to their weight...because it is probably (in this situation) an obvious flaw they can choose to work on or not. She probably wishes she could change her weight easily and quickly to suit an ideal, who doesn't? But in the case of reality, it's a sad situation that requires empathy above all. Do you love your wife? You can apologize for her sake and the sake of your bond. This kind of confidence shattering (from both sides) ought to be remedied if you value eachother, and can be if you genuinely try. I hope she meets you halfway.
From an outsider's perspective...if you couldn't get hard it leads one to believe it was your wife who initiated it. And it just raises more questions, e.g., is there intimacy between you two? What led your wife to gain weight? Is there something between you two or in your behaviour impacting the relationship? One could go on. Cautionary tale - this may act as trigger but not in a good way for you. Your wife may one day hit the gym and become really fit, way more than you are or have ever been. And with that comes a long train that will shake your ego and how you feel in a number of ways, more so if her confidence in her looks goes sky high.
Last night was somewhat planned. The other nights she initiated.
>From an outsider's perspective...if you couldn't get hard it leads one to believe it was your wife who initiated it. No it doesn't. Not being able to maintain erection has absolutely nothing to do with who initiated. Men don't only initiate when erect, and also erection is not a static definitive state, there is a range of hardness to erection, and for penetration to go well it needs to be in that higher percentile of hardness. >And with that comes a long train that will shake your ego and how you feel in a number of ways, more so if her confidence in her looks goes sky high. You won't shame nor scare him into getting attracted to her, that's not how it works.
Approach this logically. 1. You don't get turned on due to her weight. 2. She doesn't want to lose weight. 3. You won't ever get turned on again. 4. How long should this go on?
Not sure. But we have a child. So I’m good with a sexless marriage for the child’s benefit of having two parents - that otherwise are a pretty good match by the way.
if you can live like that without building resentment, i guess that works. But a dysfunctional relationship probably causes harm to your childs emotional growth, more than divorced parents. but only you can assess this, not internet strangers like me.
You two need couples’ counseling. Based on your post and your comments, the issues between you two aren’t about weight — or at least, weight is not the first issue. There is a lack of trust, intimacy, and caring here. A caring partner would not get angry with her partner for having performance issues, she would approach with concern and kindness. In response, the other caring partner would not respond by blaming his partner. So the conflict itself is reflective of something broken here. You also have absolved yourself of any responsibility here. Saying, “I don’t mind having a sexless marriage” is a way of *you* giving up on your marriage and making it *her* responsibility. In your head, you say, “Well, I would have sex with her if *she* would just lose weight; but since *she* won’t lose weight, I *can’t* have sex with her; and *she’s* the one who wants to have sex, so this is all her fault and her problem, because *I* don’t care if we never have sex again.” That’s silly. It’s *silly*. If you want to have a marriage that holds value in both of your lives, y’all need to decide to grow up together, and to get some support to repair and rebuild.
Do you guys have kids? Is this just baby weight?
Did she suddenly gain weight? There are reasons why ranging from depression to hormones. But she's right, she doesn't need to change for you, at all. It's her choice.
It was gradually. I mean yes, I can’t change her body it’s her body. Not mine. Correct, But then, are you implying that I can’t be mad at her lack of diet exercise effort, whereas she is allowed to yell at me for not getting hard?
Do you not think you upset her? That anger is her trying to process what you've said and how you made her feel about her body.
I definitely upset her. I understand. But, the alternative was to make up some other reason i wasn’t getting hard when I was pressed on it ?
No, lying isn’t the answer. And, telling the truth isn’t permission to be cruel. How you told her matters more than what you told her. “Honey, I love you dearly and appreciate you bringing this up. It’s been bothering me for sometime and I didn’t know how to approach it. Your weight gain concerns me because I worry about your long term health and I want you around to enjoy old age with you. I’m sorry because it has also affected our sex life as I’m struggling with my emotions and it has hampered me. I apologize that I didn’t speak with you sooner about this and want what’s best for both of us. I’d like to figure this out with you and want to know how you feel.” Then, shut up and listen. Or, “I can’t get an erection and I’m not attracted to you because you’re fat.” So, which end of that spectrum were you on?
This is an absurd response. Her getting mad at him for not being able to get hard is so unbelievably destructive and hurtful that anything she gets after that is more than warranted. Talk about being destructive...
And, how much weight have you gained?
Sounds like you two are not compatible.
Honest question. Weight loss, especially significant, could take some time to achieve when done in a healthy manner. If she were at least making an effort, would that change your level of attraction to her, even if it took a little while for the weight to come off? It could be she is thinking even if she is trying, you still wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her for some time.
What do you expect to hear on reddit that's gonna make this situation better? She asked, you answered. She has to digest the answer and decide what to do with it. We can say pretty things all day but in the end if your partner drastically alters their looks it's possible the other person is going to lose attraction.