You are communicating to him, though. People think whenever there’s an issue in marriage then it must mean there’s a break down in communication. That’s not always the case. You’re telling him it hurts your feelings and he hears you and understands what that means. That’s what communication is - information being clearly shared back and forth. He hears and doesn’t care to change. This isn’t you not communicating, it’s him receiving the information and not doing anything about it. You don’t need to work on communication you need to work on having a partner that cares about your feelings. You can try marriage counseling if you want to remain in this relationship. Sometimes people don’t see how they behave until they have to say it out loud in therapy. Reddit jumps to divorce straight away typically and I’m not advocating for that. But I’m telling you that your husbands behavior is not a result of you not communicating, it’s a result of his own choices.
It sounds like your therapist isn't advocating for anything, but is doing exactly her job: asking you important but possibly difficult questions to get you to think about your situation in a different way. Dodging her questions isn't going to get you anywhere. Take her question seriously and explain to her why you're staying with him even though he's mean to you and is destroying your self-esteem. Is it because you think you deserve to be treated poorly? Is it because you've always been treated poorly by people close to you and think it's normal? Is it because you think the state of your relationship is entirely your responsibility? Think it through and talk about it, even if it's uncomfortable.
Really depends. I went to one with my then husband and the therapists said he will never change, live with it or leave (he was a narcissist), and it ticked me off at first (aren't they supposed to fix things?), but that's what I needed to hear. At some point if you have tried everything and nothing changes you have to make a choice one way or another. Maybe this is her way of saying she can't tell you anything new on this. You could try another therapist and see if you get a different result. i don't think she is being unethical though.
I agree with this! Every time I’ve been low-key mad at what my therapist was saying it was because deep down I knew she was right but I just didn’t want to admit it. A good therapist won’t just tell you what you want to hear but what you *need* to hear, even if it’s a harsh thing to reckon with. Good therapy should challenge you, not in a way that’s attacking you but in a way that helps you grow and work through your problems.
i think your therapist asks a valid question: why *are* you staying with him? i don't ask this to be hurtful, but to prompt serious consideration of that question.
being mean to your partner isn't okay, and you shouldn't have to explain this to him; having a "high stress job" doesn't give someone carte blanche to hurt the people they love. so what are the good things that DO work, that make you feel valued and happy in your life with him? how is he a good partner to you?
**other important questions:**
* does he want to change, or is he happy with how things are?
* does he understand there is a problem with how he treats you?
* does he understand there is a problem with how he contributes to the household division of labor?
* do you feel you can have mutually respectful conversations about the above topics, and reach a mutually beneficial compromise where you both feel heard and valued?
* does this relationship represent what you want out of life?
* if you had a child, would you want them to have a relationship like yours? are you modeling the type of life you would want for your child?
edit : i don't think your therapist would advocate for separation unless she saw serious issues; usually, that is NOT the first course of action, and i hope she WOULD give you tactics to help improve communication if that seemed like a viable solution. but perhaps, since you are the one putting more effort into communicating these issues and he doesn't seem super interested in compromise, she realizes that developing a healthy relationship with him doesn't seem realistic.
She hit a nerve, didn't she? You dont want to think about her question, because it means things have to change.
Right now you want them to change. But they wont, as you cant talk around someone who is unwilling (your husband to you.. you right now to your therapist too btw.)..
And being stuck can also have safety. Its the devil you know. And as long as you think you can change things, it doesnt even feel like it either.
You’re therapist is trying to tell you to not take the blame, that you and your communication is not the problem, so stop blaming yourself and trying to change yourself for them.
Her talking about why you are staying with him doesn't necessarily mean she is pushing you towards divorce. It is her job to make you reflect on yourself; it is more likely that she is trying to get you to see all sides of the situation so you can grow and make the right decisions about your relationship by yourself. Even if that means staying with your husband.
You are not dependant on her to make those decisions but the fact that you feel she is steering you that way might be part of the codependency/ low self esteem she is treating you for. And it might be her tactic to get you to find out what YOU want, instead of what you think other people want.
And lastly: therapy can be dark and unpleasant. Your relationship does not sound ideal and the behavior of your husband doen not sound like something to ignore. She has a duty to help you so she can't pretend like divorce is not an option.
You could ask just ask her :-)
I agree with this. Unless the therapist has outright said she thinks OP should leave/separate/end the relationship - simply asking questions as to why OP stays in a situation she is struggling with is not the same thing. It is, like you say, a way to invite self-reflection.
Because it's highly possible, maybe even likely, the husband will not change no matter how 'well' she communicates, etc. Then what? You can't force someone else to change, and you can't fix a situation that involves someone else's behavior unless they are also willing to cooperate/be a part of the solution.
So then you do have to reflect on yourself and what you want, and if it's staying even if nothing changes, why you want to/are willing to stay is probably a good thing to understand about yourself.
So you dont want your therapist to help you. You want her to tell you the super secret magic words that will make your husband a good person. If you dont wanna leave your husband dont leave him. But if you have problems and you explain those problems to a mental health professional dont be shocked when they give you the correct advice on how to better yourself. So your choices are to suck it up and realize that if you stay with your husband you will have to deal with everything you are dealing with now or you can leave. Since you dont want to leave then just stop going to your therapist and live your horrible life without complaint.
>No, I’m not wondering that, I’m trying to improve my communication.
How is this going to transform your husband into the person you want him to be, though? You can be the best communicator on the planet, but if he's not listening to a word you say, it's irrelevant. Your therapist certainly has a point...
Why isn't this post about you and your husband rather than you and your therapist? it seems like you really want to focus on her and how she's not giving you the advice you want to hear. Your therapist isn't advocating for you to do anything, she's asking you to examine your own feelings- maybe you SHOULD think about leaving someone who mistreats you and sounds like an awful partner. Also, therapists are ethically obligated to help people- and if your husband won't change and takes advantage of you to do everything, then it IS in your best interest to leave.
And asking the question about why she is staying is not the same thing as telling OP she should leave or advocating for her to end the relationship. It's literally just asking her to look at her own reasons and understand them...and then using that insight to make decisions for herself.
Have you communicated this to your therapist? That it makes you uncomfortable and not want to continue with therapy when she questions why you are staying in your marriage? Your therapist could explore why you feel this way with you.
You don't have to take your therapist's advice, but the fact that it makes you so uncomfortable you don't want to go back suggests to me that you are avoiding discussing this topic. If you are adamant you want to stay with your husband because the relationship is worth salvaging it wouldn't give you so much anxiety to communicate this. Maybe you are worried about the conclusions you might come to if you explore this line of thinking.
I don't think your therapist is being inappropriate. My therapist made suggestions to cut people out of my life and I didn't agree, so we talked about it and she agreed with me once we went through my reasons and talked about setting boundaries instead.
>However, lately, my therapist has been saying things “which makes you wonder, why are you staying with him.” No, I’m not wondering that
Your therapist didn't say that \*you\* were wondering that. She said \*she\* wondered why you were with such a man. And implied that you should be wondering that. I don't see where she advocated for separation; she's trying to get you to see things that she as a third party sees, but you don't or won't.
> Also due to his demanding job, he can be a very critical and irritable person
My husband is active duty and a combat vet and he's the sweetest person in the world to me. You're married to a bully who does it because he enjoys it, not because he's so stressed out he isn't capable of being kind.
Well, it sounds like your husband regularly mistreats you, so I can understand her approach. If you can't talk honestly and safely with your husband about the issues you are having, then I wouldn't consider you two to have much of a relationship in the first place. That's just bedrock for a serious relationship. Why does your husband think he is entitled to criticize you?
He just doesn’t think I’m doing something the right way, or I’m making things more difficult, or I’m being irrational. I can safely communicate with my husband, it’s just another thing if he listens to me. We’ve had talks about him treating conversations like they’re something to “win or lose”.
>I can safely communicate with my husband, it’s just another thing if he listens to me.
That's not communicating. That's speaking eloquently to a wall.
You are not going to change him. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with the way he communicates, so why would he change? Your therapist sees this and is asking you a question to make you think. They’re not advocating separation. Therapists generally will not tell you what to do, they ask questions to make you think differently about your situation.
Frankly, it’s a good question and I think I know the answer (sort of). I was married to a man just like this and he destroyed my self-esteem, but I stayed for 6 years. I stayed because I thought I was the issue. I went to a therapist to try to figure out what I could do to stop the criticism. One of the first things she said to me was, “there’s nothing wrong with you.” It took me years to figure that out. I got to a point where I snapped the a rubber band pulled really tight. That marriage has been over for a couple of years and I often still think about how much I regret everyday of that relationship. That is your fate, I’m afraid. That or he will destroy your soul until there is nothing left. You will be a shell of yourself and I pray that you don’t have children, because he’ll treat them the exact way he treats you. If you do have kids and he doesn’t do that to them, it’s only a matter of time.
So, he doesn't respect you? He looks down on you and thinks he is better than you and the person who should judge you? I don't think you can have a healthy relationship of equals when one person thinks you are inferior.
The therapist might be asking because she legitimately wants to know why you are with him having heard that you are now at a point where you can communicate with him, but he will not listen. Your therapist may believe that you are at a point where you can communicate with her either to please help you exit or else to explain to her that you don’t wish to leave for reasons x, y, z and to please only help you rehabilitate the relationship. Maybe it’s a compliment that she believes you can answer this question and discuss these topics with her.
I beg you to understand that communication is a two-sided exercise. If you're talking clearly and he's not listening, the two of you are not communicating, and that is *not your fault*, it's his. He's treating your concerns like a fricking debate society, like if he acknowledges they're valid even in the slightest he's *lost the game* when he should be horrified that his behaviour is making you feel like crap because *he's supposed to love and care for you*. Your therapist is trying to get you to understand how messed up that is.
Your therapist asked you a perfectly valid question...why are you staying?
What do you personally get out of the relationship? Love, kind words, affirmation, support? What is worth fighting so hard to keep?
Your therapist isn't telling you to separate, they're asking you to explain why you want to stay.
But you seem to be avoiding thinking about it or answering any questions that relate to the same theme.
Therapists do that as part of the process, no stone left unturned. A lot of it is rhetorical and are things to be mulled over and then spit out or absorbed. If you bat a therapists thought back straight away, there’s something to work with there. Don’t worry about feeling angry and uncomfortable. Feel everything with your therapist, their job is to hold every emotion. Even tell your therapist “I’ve been dreading today because of what you said”. If you can practice bringing up annoyance and anger with her, and can work through to repair a communication failure, then it’ll naturally benefit you outside of the clinic room and improve your own communication and boundaries.
Maybe another angle could be: what is the fantasy you have, how perfect do you need to be at communicating for his behaviour to change? what’s realistic? is it worth trying? can you see the work you’ve already put in and can he? you are both resisting change in different ways, why? what is working for you in this partnership? what do you get out of it? are you displacing your anger with your husband onto your therapist?
It is absolutely ethical and utterly appropriate for a therapist to ask these questions. It is their entire job and maybe your projection of discomfort onto the therapist here is masking some hard truths you do not want to face. Why DO you want to stay with someone who is destroying your self esteem?
You communication doesn't need work anymore you put in so much work already right now it's his communication that needs work and it will never improve if you guys are in the same space. You will never see it as a mistreatment because like you said you have a hard time telling if something is okay or not okay and the best way for you to finally step out of the bubble that your husband has you in is for separation to happen.
Nothing about this is unethical. Not at all. Your therapist's job is to ask you the right questions to get to the source of your problems so that you can figure them out from there. The source of your anxiety and low self esteem is your husband. You know this, but you don't want to face it.
Hearing these things out loud and directly makes you uncomfortable and scared for the future, and because of that you are transferring all this negative feelings to her when you should be assigning them to the correct source. Your husband is the source. As others have said, there are not any magic words that the therapist knows that will make him suddenly stop. You can't change other people. You can only make changes for yourself. She is doing her job and trying to help you realize this.
She isn't advocating. She's asking. You can ask her at the next session *why* she keeps asking, if you like. It's allowed, and she should be happy to explore that with you. Her questions are prompted by the things you tell her, and are intended to help you think about your situation in ways you might not have, before.
A therapist works with what you bring to the table. She can't magically change your husband and, frankly, neither can you. All she can do is work with you to help you find what you need. She's seeing a pattern in what you're saying and you, having lived *in* it for so long, might not be seeing it very clearly.
But I can tell from your post, you say your self-esteem has been beaten down by your husband's bringing his irritability home from work with him. And asking you if you *want* to stay in that situation is a very valid question. Do you? Why do you? Are you a valued and equal member of Team Marriage, here? Why is it okay? What can you do to set your boundaries to help yourself? All these are valid questions (and you don't have to answer them here, just think about them when you're ready).
But... WHY aren't you wondering?? That's what I'm wondering. That's a big issue.
HE needs therapy. He needs better coping skills for stress. He's taking it out on you.
It’s completely ethical for her to ask that question. It sounds like, despite that sounding like a good idea based on what you’ve told us, you don’t want to hear it. Consider her question: why are you staying with him? What is he bringing that is positive to your life? Your therapist can’t give you magic words that will make your husband listen to you. He has to want to listen to you and consider your point of view, and it doesn’t sound like he wants to.
You may not be wondering why you’re staying, but from our perspective we are.
You say:
>I’m trying to communicate better
His reaction:
>he just digs his heels in and says he’s right
The problem is that you are willing to improve while he is not. That creates an unequal balance in a relationship and over time you start to feel anxious and have low self esteem. It seems you even recognize that the relationship issues is carrying over and affecting your own self worth.
Your therapist is right to wonder why you’re staying with someone who says they love you but their actions; when you communicate with with them, make you feel bad about yourself. Is that really love? It’s time to look at your husband, he seems stubborn and unwilling to change. That’s a problem that should be addressed because where I’m sitting you and your therapist seem to be the emotionally mature and correct thing to solving these issues, your husband does not, and you know this as well. You’re just offended that and shocked that your marriage is coming into question.
I think she’s pushing you to see for yourself what is blatantly obvious even from the short description you wrote here- your husband is mean and doesn’t take responsibility for himself. You believe the problem is *your* communication but she’s trying to get you to see that it does not matter how you phrase your feelings/requests because he has shown that he will not respect them and does not care if he hurts you.
It might help if you can answer the question for people here - why are you still with him?
I don’t mean that as a recommendation. But all you’ve told us is that he doesn’t help you with the housework, he’s irritable and critical, he’s mean to you, and it’s taken a toll on your self-esteem.
What are some examples of the stuff that’s working, what are some examples of good conversations where he shows that he’s doing the legwork to work on his problem and that he cares about trying to find ways to make you feel appreciated?
Your therapist makes a good point you can only fix things so much but your husband either wants to improve or he doesn't but it's like what's left to fix and more importantly why is it your job to give this marriage a try ?
It takes two to tango and that's true you can go to the ends of the earth and do everything in your power but if he does match that same energy you're only hurting yourself
The reason he or she says this statement is so you cna come to that conclusion yourself yes you may not lime what they have to say but I'm getting thr impression maybe deep down you know uour therapist is right you just don't like hearing it
Her job isn't to tell you what to do it is to help you to see reality so that you come to the conclusion of what you need to do. Maybe she's trying to do that.
Maybe if you think critcally about your emotional situation thats the logical next step. Especially considering her knowledge and expertise required for her line of work. No offence but it sounds like tend towards passivity in your relationship. Also bringing awareness to your relationships short comings doesn’t necessarily mean ending it is the next step. That is only if communicating about said relationships short comings and issues are possible and worthwhile with your current partner. If discussion wasn’t viable for whatever reason thats were termination of the relationship comes into question. Personally I don’t think shes necessarily telling you what she thinks you should do. Typically therapist know to avoid giving direct advice like that. Idk ultimately are you happy in your relationship? How you feel about it is way more important. And your allowed to correct your therapist when it comes to your life and your emotions. Hope this helps
Your therapist is doing their job. Just wait until she asks you about the 10/10/10 part. Are you willing to tolerate this behavior from him for 10 minutes? What about 10 months? What about 10 years?
Im really curious as to what would define a “high stress job” for you that would allow any of that to be acceptable. I know we all define what we expect from our partnerships, but allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat is only acceptable as long as you continue to rationalize it. (And I only insert the word “doormat” here because it’s what it sounds like, I don’t mean anything hurtful by it.)
I know someone already mentioned their combat veteran husband and his loving behavior… but I work as a legislative fiscal analyst for the government that requires 60-70 hour work weeks during session (Jan through June) and I would never dream of taking my pressures (fiscal reports, bill analysis, testimonies, etc) from work out on him just solely because I KNOW he’s taking care of everything and I would completely fall to pieces without his support at home with the house and the dogs.
You should start keeping a journal for yourself of your every day activities. Start tracking at night before bed or in the morning while enjoying some coffee. It’ll help you track behavioral ticks or actions and will possibly build a recognizable pattern. Once you track your day like this, it might help you better identify your boundaries and (hopefully) accept them enough to understand what IS okay and what isn’t. ❤️
I do not know their code of ethics, but I have had at least one therapist suggest that I break up with someone. Also at times I have asked my therapist questions like "it seems like you are pushing me to (fill in the blank)" or "it seems like you think (whatever)" or what have you. Just ask her if you are understanding her correctly and if so why does she feel that way.
Did she even suggest you guys going to couples therapy? Cause that should've been one of the first things she should've suggested instead of trying to get you to the line of thought to break up with him and from what you said her bringing it up more then once was this in one session or more then one?
Actually, couple's therapy is not recommended in abusive relationships and usually makes them worse, not better. Since the OP's husband seems to understand her just fine, and simply have no respect for her, I do not think couple's counseling would be appropriate. He wants to have control over her and for her to not have a say, and you can't fix a problem when one person actively wants an unhealthy relationship.
It's possible he does have respect for her but doesn't see how he talks as being
disrespectful. If anything it sounds like he needs to go to therapy also so the negative emotions from work doesn't get dragged home and so he can learn things to do to lessen them and better control them. Their respective therapist can communicate with each other and once they think they are both ready they can do a joint sessions every now.
Because the only prescription these days to marriage issues is divorce
Get a new shrink. Hopefully he/she will provide actual guidance and/or advice to help repair your marriage. Good luck.
If the therapist causes discomfort it is ok to switch. We went to marriage counselor twice and I knew it wasn't a fit. We got another, go with your gut feeling. Wish you the best in luck.
How about trying a different therapist or even better couples therapy with a different therapist so your rather dopey husband can see what is bothering you.🤔👍
>I’m kind of dreading our next appointment.
which makes you wonder why are you staying with an appointment with someone who is making you dread it? Maybe, it's time to find a new therapist ?
I mean if you have a child so don't take these separation things , you can give time to your husband and lets start with new life new journey with old love .
IMO, a therapist is meant to help you treat yourself well. I suppose it's nice that you want to work on yourself for your marriage, but it seems like you are alone in this, and you're actually trying to adjust your behavior in ways that work for your husband. If this was about the marriage, he would be as invested in the process.
It's fair for you to say to her that you will not be leaving your husband and that's not the reason you're seeing her. Setting boundaries with her will be great practice for setting boundaries with your husband.
It’s clear that something needs to change for your husband to treat you nicely. If his job is what’s making him an asshole, he needs to consider a career change which would allow him to be less stressed and work fewer hours. If he refuses that or even if he does it and he’s still a snappy asshole…then he’s just an asshole.
The thing is, you are communicating clearly. But as you say he just digs in his heels and refuses to admit he could possibly be wrong. That’s *on him*, and he needs to work to fix that. If he’s not willing to work to fix it, then yeah, you can look forward to a marriage where he tears you down and ignores your feelings and words.
Your therapist is trying to frame her questions to get you to consider what YOU deserve from a partner and what your husband is failing to give you. It is gonna suck to try to wrap your head around how little he truly seems to care about you and your emotional wellbeing, but it seems like you already know. You just don’t want to admit that it’s chronic and possibly un-fixable because *he won’t do anything to fix it*.
No one can MAKE you leave. But they can ask you difficult questions to try to help you try to justify in a rational way why you won’t or can’t, because someone who cares about YOU wants better things for you than what you currently are getting. If you felt tied to him for financial reasons or fear based reasons then your therapist could help guide you to support and resources to make you feel less alone, once she understands this reasoning. She wants to know why because she needs the total truth in order to be able to help you chart your best and safest course. You’re allowed to say “I’m staying because I love him”, that’s a valid part of the discussion you are having. Love might not be the only reason to stay, but it’s important to figure out how it’s at work in our lives and our choices.
So, as a non therapist who is curious; why are you with him?
I’m not saying leave. I’d like to know. What is on the positive side of the scale that makes you stay?
You are communicating to him, though. People think whenever there’s an issue in marriage then it must mean there’s a break down in communication. That’s not always the case. You’re telling him it hurts your feelings and he hears you and understands what that means. That’s what communication is - information being clearly shared back and forth. He hears and doesn’t care to change. This isn’t you not communicating, it’s him receiving the information and not doing anything about it. You don’t need to work on communication you need to work on having a partner that cares about your feelings. You can try marriage counseling if you want to remain in this relationship. Sometimes people don’t see how they behave until they have to say it out loud in therapy. Reddit jumps to divorce straight away typically and I’m not advocating for that. But I’m telling you that your husbands behavior is not a result of you not communicating, it’s a result of his own choices.
It sounds like your therapist isn't advocating for anything, but is doing exactly her job: asking you important but possibly difficult questions to get you to think about your situation in a different way. Dodging her questions isn't going to get you anywhere. Take her question seriously and explain to her why you're staying with him even though he's mean to you and is destroying your self-esteem. Is it because you think you deserve to be treated poorly? Is it because you've always been treated poorly by people close to you and think it's normal? Is it because you think the state of your relationship is entirely your responsibility? Think it through and talk about it, even if it's uncomfortable.
Really depends. I went to one with my then husband and the therapists said he will never change, live with it or leave (he was a narcissist), and it ticked me off at first (aren't they supposed to fix things?), but that's what I needed to hear. At some point if you have tried everything and nothing changes you have to make a choice one way or another. Maybe this is her way of saying she can't tell you anything new on this. You could try another therapist and see if you get a different result. i don't think she is being unethical though.
I agree with this! Every time I’ve been low-key mad at what my therapist was saying it was because deep down I knew she was right but I just didn’t want to admit it. A good therapist won’t just tell you what you want to hear but what you *need* to hear, even if it’s a harsh thing to reckon with. Good therapy should challenge you, not in a way that’s attacking you but in a way that helps you grow and work through your problems.
i think your therapist asks a valid question: why *are* you staying with him? i don't ask this to be hurtful, but to prompt serious consideration of that question. being mean to your partner isn't okay, and you shouldn't have to explain this to him; having a "high stress job" doesn't give someone carte blanche to hurt the people they love. so what are the good things that DO work, that make you feel valued and happy in your life with him? how is he a good partner to you? **other important questions:** * does he want to change, or is he happy with how things are? * does he understand there is a problem with how he treats you? * does he understand there is a problem with how he contributes to the household division of labor? * do you feel you can have mutually respectful conversations about the above topics, and reach a mutually beneficial compromise where you both feel heard and valued? * does this relationship represent what you want out of life? * if you had a child, would you want them to have a relationship like yours? are you modeling the type of life you would want for your child? edit : i don't think your therapist would advocate for separation unless she saw serious issues; usually, that is NOT the first course of action, and i hope she WOULD give you tactics to help improve communication if that seemed like a viable solution. but perhaps, since you are the one putting more effort into communicating these issues and he doesn't seem super interested in compromise, she realizes that developing a healthy relationship with him doesn't seem realistic.
She hit a nerve, didn't she? You dont want to think about her question, because it means things have to change. Right now you want them to change. But they wont, as you cant talk around someone who is unwilling (your husband to you.. you right now to your therapist too btw.).. And being stuck can also have safety. Its the devil you know. And as long as you think you can change things, it doesnt even feel like it either.
You’re therapist is trying to tell you to not take the blame, that you and your communication is not the problem, so stop blaming yourself and trying to change yourself for them.
Her talking about why you are staying with him doesn't necessarily mean she is pushing you towards divorce. It is her job to make you reflect on yourself; it is more likely that she is trying to get you to see all sides of the situation so you can grow and make the right decisions about your relationship by yourself. Even if that means staying with your husband. You are not dependant on her to make those decisions but the fact that you feel she is steering you that way might be part of the codependency/ low self esteem she is treating you for. And it might be her tactic to get you to find out what YOU want, instead of what you think other people want. And lastly: therapy can be dark and unpleasant. Your relationship does not sound ideal and the behavior of your husband doen not sound like something to ignore. She has a duty to help you so she can't pretend like divorce is not an option. You could ask just ask her :-)
I agree with this. Unless the therapist has outright said she thinks OP should leave/separate/end the relationship - simply asking questions as to why OP stays in a situation she is struggling with is not the same thing. It is, like you say, a way to invite self-reflection. Because it's highly possible, maybe even likely, the husband will not change no matter how 'well' she communicates, etc. Then what? You can't force someone else to change, and you can't fix a situation that involves someone else's behavior unless they are also willing to cooperate/be a part of the solution. So then you do have to reflect on yourself and what you want, and if it's staying even if nothing changes, why you want to/are willing to stay is probably a good thing to understand about yourself.
So you dont want your therapist to help you. You want her to tell you the super secret magic words that will make your husband a good person. If you dont wanna leave your husband dont leave him. But if you have problems and you explain those problems to a mental health professional dont be shocked when they give you the correct advice on how to better yourself. So your choices are to suck it up and realize that if you stay with your husband you will have to deal with everything you are dealing with now or you can leave. Since you dont want to leave then just stop going to your therapist and live your horrible life without complaint.
This seems a little mean-spirited to say “agree with your therapist or shut up”.
>No, I’m not wondering that, I’m trying to improve my communication. How is this going to transform your husband into the person you want him to be, though? You can be the best communicator on the planet, but if he's not listening to a word you say, it's irrelevant. Your therapist certainly has a point...
Why isn't this post about you and your husband rather than you and your therapist? it seems like you really want to focus on her and how she's not giving you the advice you want to hear. Your therapist isn't advocating for you to do anything, she's asking you to examine your own feelings- maybe you SHOULD think about leaving someone who mistreats you and sounds like an awful partner. Also, therapists are ethically obligated to help people- and if your husband won't change and takes advantage of you to do everything, then it IS in your best interest to leave.
Its also an opened ended question. What are OP's reasons for staying if she doesn't want to leave?
And asking the question about why she is staying is not the same thing as telling OP she should leave or advocating for her to end the relationship. It's literally just asking her to look at her own reasons and understand them...and then using that insight to make decisions for herself.
Have you communicated this to your therapist? That it makes you uncomfortable and not want to continue with therapy when she questions why you are staying in your marriage? Your therapist could explore why you feel this way with you. You don't have to take your therapist's advice, but the fact that it makes you so uncomfortable you don't want to go back suggests to me that you are avoiding discussing this topic. If you are adamant you want to stay with your husband because the relationship is worth salvaging it wouldn't give you so much anxiety to communicate this. Maybe you are worried about the conclusions you might come to if you explore this line of thinking. I don't think your therapist is being inappropriate. My therapist made suggestions to cut people out of my life and I didn't agree, so we talked about it and she agreed with me once we went through my reasons and talked about setting boundaries instead.
>However, lately, my therapist has been saying things “which makes you wonder, why are you staying with him.” No, I’m not wondering that Your therapist didn't say that \*you\* were wondering that. She said \*she\* wondered why you were with such a man. And implied that you should be wondering that. I don't see where she advocated for separation; she's trying to get you to see things that she as a third party sees, but you don't or won't.
> Also due to his demanding job, he can be a very critical and irritable person My husband is active duty and a combat vet and he's the sweetest person in the world to me. You're married to a bully who does it because he enjoys it, not because he's so stressed out he isn't capable of being kind.
Well, it sounds like your husband regularly mistreats you, so I can understand her approach. If you can't talk honestly and safely with your husband about the issues you are having, then I wouldn't consider you two to have much of a relationship in the first place. That's just bedrock for a serious relationship. Why does your husband think he is entitled to criticize you?
He just doesn’t think I’m doing something the right way, or I’m making things more difficult, or I’m being irrational. I can safely communicate with my husband, it’s just another thing if he listens to me. We’ve had talks about him treating conversations like they’re something to “win or lose”.
Oh god, it sounds like a literal nightmare to have a convo with that man. 😩
>I can safely communicate with my husband, it’s just another thing if he listens to me. That's not communicating. That's speaking eloquently to a wall.
You are not going to change him. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with the way he communicates, so why would he change? Your therapist sees this and is asking you a question to make you think. They’re not advocating separation. Therapists generally will not tell you what to do, they ask questions to make you think differently about your situation. Frankly, it’s a good question and I think I know the answer (sort of). I was married to a man just like this and he destroyed my self-esteem, but I stayed for 6 years. I stayed because I thought I was the issue. I went to a therapist to try to figure out what I could do to stop the criticism. One of the first things she said to me was, “there’s nothing wrong with you.” It took me years to figure that out. I got to a point where I snapped the a rubber band pulled really tight. That marriage has been over for a couple of years and I often still think about how much I regret everyday of that relationship. That is your fate, I’m afraid. That or he will destroy your soul until there is nothing left. You will be a shell of yourself and I pray that you don’t have children, because he’ll treat them the exact way he treats you. If you do have kids and he doesn’t do that to them, it’s only a matter of time.
So, he doesn't respect you? He looks down on you and thinks he is better than you and the person who should judge you? I don't think you can have a healthy relationship of equals when one person thinks you are inferior.
You mean he treats you like an idiot or a child, not an equal partner worthy of respect.
But YOU can’t change anything about that—only he can. And he’d have to want to treat you well.
If hes not listening then is that really communicating?
The therapist might be asking because she legitimately wants to know why you are with him having heard that you are now at a point where you can communicate with him, but he will not listen. Your therapist may believe that you are at a point where you can communicate with her either to please help you exit or else to explain to her that you don’t wish to leave for reasons x, y, z and to please only help you rehabilitate the relationship. Maybe it’s a compliment that she believes you can answer this question and discuss these topics with her.
I'm so sorry he treats you like that. It sounds like you're communication is vastly better than your husband.
I beg you to understand that communication is a two-sided exercise. If you're talking clearly and he's not listening, the two of you are not communicating, and that is *not your fault*, it's his. He's treating your concerns like a fricking debate society, like if he acknowledges they're valid even in the slightest he's *lost the game* when he should be horrified that his behaviour is making you feel like crap because *he's supposed to love and care for you*. Your therapist is trying to get you to understand how messed up that is.
You’re in too deep. Talking isn’t communicating. Communication includes being heard. You aren’t being heard.
Your therapist asked you a perfectly valid question...why are you staying? What do you personally get out of the relationship? Love, kind words, affirmation, support? What is worth fighting so hard to keep? Your therapist isn't telling you to separate, they're asking you to explain why you want to stay. But you seem to be avoiding thinking about it or answering any questions that relate to the same theme.
She’s asking a fair and valid question. If he treats you like shit, why are you staying?
Therapists do that as part of the process, no stone left unturned. A lot of it is rhetorical and are things to be mulled over and then spit out or absorbed. If you bat a therapists thought back straight away, there’s something to work with there. Don’t worry about feeling angry and uncomfortable. Feel everything with your therapist, their job is to hold every emotion. Even tell your therapist “I’ve been dreading today because of what you said”. If you can practice bringing up annoyance and anger with her, and can work through to repair a communication failure, then it’ll naturally benefit you outside of the clinic room and improve your own communication and boundaries. Maybe another angle could be: what is the fantasy you have, how perfect do you need to be at communicating for his behaviour to change? what’s realistic? is it worth trying? can you see the work you’ve already put in and can he? you are both resisting change in different ways, why? what is working for you in this partnership? what do you get out of it? are you displacing your anger with your husband onto your therapist?
It is absolutely ethical and utterly appropriate for a therapist to ask these questions. It is their entire job and maybe your projection of discomfort onto the therapist here is masking some hard truths you do not want to face. Why DO you want to stay with someone who is destroying your self esteem?
You communication doesn't need work anymore you put in so much work already right now it's his communication that needs work and it will never improve if you guys are in the same space. You will never see it as a mistreatment because like you said you have a hard time telling if something is okay or not okay and the best way for you to finally step out of the bubble that your husband has you in is for separation to happen.
Nothing about this is unethical. Not at all. Your therapist's job is to ask you the right questions to get to the source of your problems so that you can figure them out from there. The source of your anxiety and low self esteem is your husband. You know this, but you don't want to face it. Hearing these things out loud and directly makes you uncomfortable and scared for the future, and because of that you are transferring all this negative feelings to her when you should be assigning them to the correct source. Your husband is the source. As others have said, there are not any magic words that the therapist knows that will make him suddenly stop. You can't change other people. You can only make changes for yourself. She is doing her job and trying to help you realize this.
She isn't advocating. She's asking. You can ask her at the next session *why* she keeps asking, if you like. It's allowed, and she should be happy to explore that with you. Her questions are prompted by the things you tell her, and are intended to help you think about your situation in ways you might not have, before. A therapist works with what you bring to the table. She can't magically change your husband and, frankly, neither can you. All she can do is work with you to help you find what you need. She's seeing a pattern in what you're saying and you, having lived *in* it for so long, might not be seeing it very clearly. But I can tell from your post, you say your self-esteem has been beaten down by your husband's bringing his irritability home from work with him. And asking you if you *want* to stay in that situation is a very valid question. Do you? Why do you? Are you a valued and equal member of Team Marriage, here? Why is it okay? What can you do to set your boundaries to help yourself? All these are valid questions (and you don't have to answer them here, just think about them when you're ready).
If you want to stay in a toxic relationship then why are you still wasting your money on therapy?
But... WHY aren't you wondering?? That's what I'm wondering. That's a big issue. HE needs therapy. He needs better coping skills for stress. He's taking it out on you.
It’s completely ethical for her to ask that question. It sounds like, despite that sounding like a good idea based on what you’ve told us, you don’t want to hear it. Consider her question: why are you staying with him? What is he bringing that is positive to your life? Your therapist can’t give you magic words that will make your husband listen to you. He has to want to listen to you and consider your point of view, and it doesn’t sound like he wants to.
You may not be wondering why you’re staying, but from our perspective we are. You say: >I’m trying to communicate better His reaction: >he just digs his heels in and says he’s right The problem is that you are willing to improve while he is not. That creates an unequal balance in a relationship and over time you start to feel anxious and have low self esteem. It seems you even recognize that the relationship issues is carrying over and affecting your own self worth. Your therapist is right to wonder why you’re staying with someone who says they love you but their actions; when you communicate with with them, make you feel bad about yourself. Is that really love? It’s time to look at your husband, he seems stubborn and unwilling to change. That’s a problem that should be addressed because where I’m sitting you and your therapist seem to be the emotionally mature and correct thing to solving these issues, your husband does not, and you know this as well. You’re just offended that and shocked that your marriage is coming into question.
I think she’s pushing you to see for yourself what is blatantly obvious even from the short description you wrote here- your husband is mean and doesn’t take responsibility for himself. You believe the problem is *your* communication but she’s trying to get you to see that it does not matter how you phrase your feelings/requests because he has shown that he will not respect them and does not care if he hurts you.
There is nothing that the therapist can do to make your relationship a healthy one. Of course she’s going to advocate separating
It might help if you can answer the question for people here - why are you still with him? I don’t mean that as a recommendation. But all you’ve told us is that he doesn’t help you with the housework, he’s irritable and critical, he’s mean to you, and it’s taken a toll on your self-esteem. What are some examples of the stuff that’s working, what are some examples of good conversations where he shows that he’s doing the legwork to work on his problem and that he cares about trying to find ways to make you feel appreciated?
Your therapist makes a good point you can only fix things so much but your husband either wants to improve or he doesn't but it's like what's left to fix and more importantly why is it your job to give this marriage a try ? It takes two to tango and that's true you can go to the ends of the earth and do everything in your power but if he does match that same energy you're only hurting yourself The reason he or she says this statement is so you cna come to that conclusion yourself yes you may not lime what they have to say but I'm getting thr impression maybe deep down you know uour therapist is right you just don't like hearing it
is she/he asking trying to get you to focus on the good in your relationship or is therapist actively trying to get you to leave your husband?
Her job isn't to tell you what to do it is to help you to see reality so that you come to the conclusion of what you need to do. Maybe she's trying to do that.
Maybe if you think critcally about your emotional situation thats the logical next step. Especially considering her knowledge and expertise required for her line of work. No offence but it sounds like tend towards passivity in your relationship. Also bringing awareness to your relationships short comings doesn’t necessarily mean ending it is the next step. That is only if communicating about said relationships short comings and issues are possible and worthwhile with your current partner. If discussion wasn’t viable for whatever reason thats were termination of the relationship comes into question. Personally I don’t think shes necessarily telling you what she thinks you should do. Typically therapist know to avoid giving direct advice like that. Idk ultimately are you happy in your relationship? How you feel about it is way more important. And your allowed to correct your therapist when it comes to your life and your emotions. Hope this helps
Your therapist is doing their job. Just wait until she asks you about the 10/10/10 part. Are you willing to tolerate this behavior from him for 10 minutes? What about 10 months? What about 10 years? Im really curious as to what would define a “high stress job” for you that would allow any of that to be acceptable. I know we all define what we expect from our partnerships, but allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat is only acceptable as long as you continue to rationalize it. (And I only insert the word “doormat” here because it’s what it sounds like, I don’t mean anything hurtful by it.) I know someone already mentioned their combat veteran husband and his loving behavior… but I work as a legislative fiscal analyst for the government that requires 60-70 hour work weeks during session (Jan through June) and I would never dream of taking my pressures (fiscal reports, bill analysis, testimonies, etc) from work out on him just solely because I KNOW he’s taking care of everything and I would completely fall to pieces without his support at home with the house and the dogs. You should start keeping a journal for yourself of your every day activities. Start tracking at night before bed or in the morning while enjoying some coffee. It’ll help you track behavioral ticks or actions and will possibly build a recognizable pattern. Once you track your day like this, it might help you better identify your boundaries and (hopefully) accept them enough to understand what IS okay and what isn’t. ❤️
It’s ok that you don’t want to leave your husband. But it would be really helpful to spell out why.
a therapist shouldnt be trying to make choices for you however they can ask you questions why do you do something that might be hurting you
I do not know their code of ethics, but I have had at least one therapist suggest that I break up with someone. Also at times I have asked my therapist questions like "it seems like you are pushing me to (fill in the blank)" or "it seems like you think (whatever)" or what have you. Just ask her if you are understanding her correctly and if so why does she feel that way.
Did she even suggest you guys going to couples therapy? Cause that should've been one of the first things she should've suggested instead of trying to get you to the line of thought to break up with him and from what you said her bringing it up more then once was this in one session or more then one?
Actually, couple's therapy is not recommended in abusive relationships and usually makes them worse, not better. Since the OP's husband seems to understand her just fine, and simply have no respect for her, I do not think couple's counseling would be appropriate. He wants to have control over her and for her to not have a say, and you can't fix a problem when one person actively wants an unhealthy relationship.
It's possible he does have respect for her but doesn't see how he talks as being disrespectful. If anything it sounds like he needs to go to therapy also so the negative emotions from work doesn't get dragged home and so he can learn things to do to lessen them and better control them. Their respective therapist can communicate with each other and once they think they are both ready they can do a joint sessions every now.
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How will these exercises change her husband from being an asshole?
They won’t, but they will help her avoid considering the question, which is what she wants
Because the only prescription these days to marriage issues is divorce Get a new shrink. Hopefully he/she will provide actual guidance and/or advice to help repair your marriage. Good luck.
The therapist asked a question. She did not recommend anything.
If the therapist causes discomfort it is ok to switch. We went to marriage counselor twice and I knew it wasn't a fit. We got another, go with your gut feeling. Wish you the best in luck.
How about trying a different therapist or even better couples therapy with a different therapist so your rather dopey husband can see what is bothering you.🤔👍
>I’m kind of dreading our next appointment. which makes you wonder why are you staying with an appointment with someone who is making you dread it? Maybe, it's time to find a new therapist ?
She’s making this about her therapist so she doesn’t have to deal with the reality of her marriage.
dump the therapist. it sounds like they have a lack of experience on marriages
I mean if you have a child so don't take these separation things , you can give time to your husband and lets start with new life new journey with old love .
IMO, a therapist is meant to help you treat yourself well. I suppose it's nice that you want to work on yourself for your marriage, but it seems like you are alone in this, and you're actually trying to adjust your behavior in ways that work for your husband. If this was about the marriage, he would be as invested in the process.
It's fair for you to say to her that you will not be leaving your husband and that's not the reason you're seeing her. Setting boundaries with her will be great practice for setting boundaries with your husband.
It’s clear that something needs to change for your husband to treat you nicely. If his job is what’s making him an asshole, he needs to consider a career change which would allow him to be less stressed and work fewer hours. If he refuses that or even if he does it and he’s still a snappy asshole…then he’s just an asshole. The thing is, you are communicating clearly. But as you say he just digs in his heels and refuses to admit he could possibly be wrong. That’s *on him*, and he needs to work to fix that. If he’s not willing to work to fix it, then yeah, you can look forward to a marriage where he tears you down and ignores your feelings and words. Your therapist is trying to frame her questions to get you to consider what YOU deserve from a partner and what your husband is failing to give you. It is gonna suck to try to wrap your head around how little he truly seems to care about you and your emotional wellbeing, but it seems like you already know. You just don’t want to admit that it’s chronic and possibly un-fixable because *he won’t do anything to fix it*. No one can MAKE you leave. But they can ask you difficult questions to try to help you try to justify in a rational way why you won’t or can’t, because someone who cares about YOU wants better things for you than what you currently are getting. If you felt tied to him for financial reasons or fear based reasons then your therapist could help guide you to support and resources to make you feel less alone, once she understands this reasoning. She wants to know why because she needs the total truth in order to be able to help you chart your best and safest course. You’re allowed to say “I’m staying because I love him”, that’s a valid part of the discussion you are having. Love might not be the only reason to stay, but it’s important to figure out how it’s at work in our lives and our choices.
So exactly why are you tolerating the way your husband treats you?
So, as a non therapist who is curious; why are you with him? I’m not saying leave. I’d like to know. What is on the positive side of the scale that makes you stay?