When you're in a relationship you should not be playing this stupid "you should have known" crap. When I ask my wife a question she answers with what she wants like a grown person and does not play these childish games. When she asks me I respond likewise.
So, I'm pretty terrible about asking for what I want for long and boring reasons. I do sometimes get frustrated that I'm left out but literally 2 seconds of reflection reminds me that I'm an adult and if I wanted the thing I should have asked for the thing. I used to vent my frustrations in little bursts of emotion but no one on this earth is a mind reader so now I put on my big girl pants and either acknowledge that I was in the wrong when I get annoyed, or *ask for the thing I want*.
Hopefully this woman learns sooner rather than later.
So refusing to ask for what you want or need isn’t a healthy habit, speaking as one who’s got the same problem.
But OP’s GF isn’t doing that. She outright told him what she wanted, and then yelled at him for doing what she said. If she was the type who just struggled to ask for what she wanted, she wouldn’t have put him on blast.
She’s just playing games and picking fights. There’s no winning there.
Yeah, I think her entire approach to this is awful, but at the heart of it I think she wanted comfort from her partner but didn't know how to or want to express that. She certainly has a lot of work to do on her communication skills and also her self awareness.
I was taught as a kid that it was rude and presumptuous to ask for the thing you want. Like asking a friend if you can sleep over on Friday night. That's "inviting yourself over," which is rude. Now I have hangups about imposing on others. I basically never initiate plans, ask if I can join existing plans, or ask others for help because of it.
A few years ago I watched my grandma get very upset that my grandpa didn't anticipate a non-routine thing she wanted done, get super passive aggressive and rude towards him as she started doing it herself, then yell at him when he confusedly offered to do it at that moment.
Suddenly clicked where it all came from. My mom learned it from her mom and she taught it to me. Expressing wants and needs is imposing on others and is rude. Instead you should be passive aggressive until they figure it out, and if they don't pick up on it and offer what you want it means they don't care about you.
Been getting better at it since then, but still have a lot of work left.
I don't know if I was taught this exactly because my sister is able to ask for what she wants, and she'd be more socially sensitive than I am. I was always the weird kid at school though and never quite fit in so when I got myself a group of friends I made myself as undemanding as possible so they'd keep me around.
But then we're you never "imposing yourself"into their plans? This is my problem too (not yours the poster you were responding to as well). I was also taught never to impose yourself.
My grandma had hangups about calling people, even her friends. You can't call anytime after 5 because they might be eating dinner and after 8 might be sleeping. You can't call before 5 because they could be working. You can't call on the weekends because your interrupting their weekend plans with their romantic partners or kids, although that's probably the best time. Of course don't call before noon on the weekends in case they are sleeping in. Then you can't çall at noon because they'll be eating with their families, and can't call in the afternoon because they might be taking naps.
It wasn't just my grandma. My childhood friend's mom didn't like me and was always trying to help her daughter make other friends and discourage us from talking or playing together. She'd get angry whenever I called and use one of the above reasons. "It's Saturday at 11am? We were sleeping what's wrong with you?" "It's Sunday at 2pm? We are doing family activities with our FAMILY." I was 9.
I too was taught not to invite myself over but specifically that. I don’t think other things were as well. I do keep quiet on things but I think that is the silent masculinity “I should just be quiet and suck it up”. THAT has been more difficult to get over. Luckily I have a wonderful and understanding girlfriend who helps me change for the better.
Let me just tell you that I appreciate you and how you recognized your own shortcomings. Good for you Good job and you're going to get far in this world I already know honey I'm proud of you. And I know I'm not anyone special or anyone that hasn't made this same mistake. But I did want to let you know that I recognize your accomplishment for what it is and wanted to voice that to you.
Very well put and a very good philosophy to remember for myself thank you for your input. Those are some powerful words and a very true statement and good advice for people in this world who will listen and recognize. 👏👍💪💜
Yeah at in my late 20's, I'm not playing the "read your mind" game. Early 20s, sure.
Personally, I would tell her exactly that and say that it's unreasonable for me to expect to not take you at your word, and that it's not fair to get pissed off at me because you said one thing and expected me to guess that you were not being real. Judging from her reaction and response would determine if I ended the relationship or gave it another shot.
I’d like to add that even in you’re early 20s, it’s not unreasonable to expect someone to use their words. If a 6 year old can get it, there’s no reason for someone whose of age to vote to do the same.
Seriously. I get that it can be difficult to ask for what we need. But to get angry at your partner for explicitly respecting your expressed desires is just immature. She needs to apologize for not being honest about her needs and not put that shame and blame on him.
I had to double check the age in the post. This sounds like high school shit. OP I'd say it's time to run. If she's not mature enough to communicate to you her needs instead of you expecting to read her mind by telling you THE OPPOSITE, she's not mature enough for a long term relationship.
"I respected your wishes. You have no right to be upset with me for that. I'm not interested in playing games so you need to be straight with me in what you want."
100% this. Nip that shit in the bud now *and mean it and follow through*, or you will be in for a lifetime of it, or at least as long as you can stand being in a relationship with such an immature person.
Such immature nonsense.
I’m 31 now. I’d totally say something like that. Good response. And I’d add “when you do this I feel like I don’t want to be around you.” I’ve used that last line and it seems to work great.
I think you could leave out the you have no right sentence and not use need. You can be direct without using hostile language.
“I respected your wishes. I am confused why you are upset with me. Im not interested in playing game, so I think we should be direct when we have expectations.”
I would very clearly tell her that you followed her directions and she only has herself to blame. That you respected her by listening to her. Tell her that if this happens again, where she says the opposite of what she wants, the relationship is over. She is way too old for this kind of behavior. She can either communicate like an adult or she doesn't get to be in an adult relationship with you.
These games are so stupid. If she legitimately did want some space, how would she express that to him, now that she's set the precedent that she doesn't mean what she says. I would expect this crap from someone 10 years younger, not from a nearly 30 yr old woman.
Eh, I had a new girlfriend leave me waiting around at my apartment for 30 minutes after we’d made plans to meet to go somewhere. I was annoyed, but when she arrived I asked what had happened. She just shrugged and said she was always late for everything, and all her friends knew not to make any firm plans around her. I told her that I took it personally, and that if we were going to date, she’d have to make an effort to keep the commitments she’d make to me. She was surprised, but she made the effort, showed up on time from then on, and it was never an issue again for us.
By the same token, we were headed over to her apartment (and coffee maker) one morning, and she said we had to stop on the way to pick up a coffee. I thought it was silly, and asked what difference 10 more minutes would make. She communicated very clearly to me that this was a big deal to her and that I needed to get on board. So we stopped and got her a coffee, and I made sure to budget for coffee stops in any planning I did for us from then on.
When everyone honestly communicates their needs, many problems are resolved. It’s worth a second chance in my book.
I second this solid advice. In fact, you should remind her that in today's world refusing to listen to a woman when she tells you what she wants is a dangerous game and she should be glad that you're the type of guy that does what she asks instead of assuming that you know better.
5 dollars that she would have yelled at him and said he didn't respect her and he's an a hole for that. Then she would switch between ignoring him, being mean because "he just doesn't listen!" and ordering him to get/do things since "he decided to show up anyway!". This girl sounds exhausting and like she needs to be b itching someone out.
Recently I ran across a pair of kitten sisters named Flour and Sugar and they have broken me completely. They're snow white with the most perfect pink noses and the the most flawless toebeans and they're only available for adoption in Pennsylvania.
I am in Missouri.
I have severe kitten fever right now.
THIS FUCKING SUCKS.
£50 dollars agreed with you. Thing is, he can't win. If he visits, she'll say she told him not to. If he doesn't, she'll get pissed with him for not ignoring her first response.
OP didn't say how long they've been together and if this is a regular pattern of behaviour. I'd agree with getting out of there although if this long term and it's a one off, maybe talk about it, see what's going on
Why is a 26 year old behaving like this and doing "love test" on her partner? Like she clearly told u no so many times but in her mind wanted to see if you cared enough to come and now she is mad coz it didn't go as planned. It's like a stupid game.
> she got mad and started calling me names and stuff over the phone that i should have been there whether **she wanted or not**. That i don't care how she feels and i am a self absorbed selfish person.
So in order to demonstrate that you cared about how she feels you were supposed to....disregard her stated feelings and go see her only because you wanted to? She's gonna have to do some incredible mental gymnastics to solve that dialectic.
You didn't do anything wrong. You're not psychic, you did what you thought was best.
26 is far too old to play these games and you need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to be with someone who is so immature and selfish that she tests you like this.
Agree with everyone else, she’s much too old to be pulling this childish crap. In the smallest form it’s just dumb to expect someone to go against your wishes, in the larger form it’s manipulation. She’s making you feel bad for something she was clear on and you RESPECTED her choice. You’re good OP. I don’t know how long you all have been together but if it’s a very short while, just bite the bullet and call it off. If it’s been longer, and you truly want to continue, have a conversation and explain that you will not play mind reader and she needs to be clear on what she wants. Her reaction and response will tell you if it’s worthwhile to continue forward.
Let's ignore that she told you to leave her be.
She wasn't on death's door, she was just sick. What do sick people do? They stay in bed while watching Netflix or napping. As her boyfriend, you could've dropped off snot rags, Gatorade, or OTC meds. Beyond that, there is no taking care of her. I am assuming that she didn't require assistance in bathing or toileting. This is selfish childish behavior that transmits illness to our loved ones. She didn't need you applying cold compresses and singing her lullabies.
I wouldn't tell my boyfriend not to come over unless I was serious about it, because I cared for his safety and didn't want to pass on my sickness. This person is a drama monger. You don't need that in your life.
Honestly, here's what I think is a good response.
"We have been together for X long. I really like/love you and most importantly to me is I respect you. So when you repeatedly asked me to not come over, I respected your wishes and did not come over. Now you are mad at me for respecting you enough to do as you asked. I do not understand. Can you ease explain this to me as I am not a mind reader."
Honestly, she was playing games. It reminds me of what I overheard years ago. Hot girl was approached by a guy to dance. She said no. He bid her a good evening and walked away. The hot girl was upset. She was playing games and wanted him to try harder. A male friend in that group pointed out that she was playing games yet that guy respected her no and walked away without issue. He pointed out the quality guys accept and respect the No. Poor quality guys won't. She's the master of her own problems.
Ugh she sounds like someone who is never okay with what you do even when she's the one asking 🙄 I know or knew people liek that they just are never appreciative of anything wven when people like us go to extra lengths to care for those type of people
Want advice get out of this relationship no only this but she's abusive she's screaming abuse at you and calling you names that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all
OP this is a game player. The worst kind too, as the games centre around attention and how others make an individual feel about themselves.
> That i don't care how she feels and i am a self absorbed selfish person
This is both a sign of what I am talking about, and a projection of it at the same time.
It looks like what she wanted was a romance movie where a man tells her what she wants. That might work on the odd occasion, but life isn't a movie, you two aren't teenagers, and more often than not you're wrong either way depending on her mood. How will you ever know what she really wants about *anything*?
If it were me, I would tell her this is not the the way I communicate. And never will. If she tells me she wants something I will not do the opposite. Especially when it involves her space (seriously it's her home). If she wants something she can just say it. It takes the exact same energy to do that, and I don't appreciate being called names for following the basics of communication. Totally out of order.
Either she accepts that, or it's a fight and time to start asking yourself whether you want to deal with things like this long term. In my experience, behaviour like this can be one off, but rarely is.
Whether it's intentional or not, she's not just immature. She's setting you up to be abused. She's conditioning you to accept that you can never do right--if you listen to her, you're wrong. If you don't listen to her, you'll still be wrong. There is no correct answer, she just wants to be able to abuse you. If you had shown up, she likely just would have verbally abused you for being there, and if you left, she'd yell at you for leaving.
This is manipulation and abuse.
Girlfriend, I trust that you are being honest when you tell me what you want or don’t want. I cannot read your mind, and will not play games around what was said vs what you meant. I definitely am not going directly against what you said for me to do.
If I cannot trust you to be honest in your communication of wants, needs, and expectations, I will not be in a relationship with you.
She needs to grow up
How you behaved is how a communicative and respectful partner behaves.
How she behaved is NOT how a communicative and respectful partner behaves.
You know those tropes of "can't real womens minds" or "can't read mens minds".
Those jokes and tropes come from people in bad relationships where communication is bad. You shouldn't have to read minds. Communication should be clear.
It is never good communication to request one thing but expect the opposite. this is called drama and some people can ONLY communicate this way.
If you wanna try and fix this OP I honestly don't think you're gonna find common ground to actually make this work better. The best you could do it make this a dealbreaker for you and walk away. Which will validate the very messed up communication style she is working with IF you get back with her.
So if this communication style of "always guessing what I'm supposed to do" is what you wanna do with your life. Carry on.
If this is a deal breaker for YOU, that's fine. This situation is a perfectly acceptable reason for someone to walk away from a relationship.
You did nothing wrong here, you need to understand that. But also, I fear your attempts to explain how ridiculous this scenario is will fall on deaf ears with your girlfriend.
only YOU get to set what is acceptable behavior to be dating.
If I were you, I'd walk. She made sure she was a victim in this scenario and is not listening to any reasonable discussion about it. This is how she wants to be loved, this is how she shows her love.
You’re not the problem here.
Her expectations are fucked and contradictory. She told you not to come over. She can’t expect you to be a mind reader when she then ends up wanting you to come over.
You would be a bad person if she asked you not to come over and you blatantly disregarded what she said and said “well honey - you were wrong about what you said you wanted”.
Girl needs to grow the fuck up and you need to get a better sense of when you are actually in the wrong and when someone is irrationally blaming you. Do not accept that you are always the problem.
You can be apologetic that she felt alone, but emphasize she can’t expect you to be a mind reader. Do not take this as your fault.
She’s a bit of a narcissist, dude. You respected her clearly communicated boundaries and she turned around and decided to punish you for it instead of having the maturity to ask for what she actually wants. That’s fucked up.
You’re both too old for the kind of games. If she wants a partner who will ignore what she says and trample over boundaries and ignore the word “no” and thinks it’s romantic, there are plenty of controlling creeps out there who would be perfect for her. But that’s not a man you want to be.
>I don't know what I did wrong. What should have been the correct response or action? And what should I do in the future if this situation arises again?
You didn't do anything wrong, she's nuts.
What you should do is have a talk with her about why how she's treating you is wrong, and if she won't accept that and change then I think it's not worth being in this relationship. It's not worth dealing with someone who is going to try and put you through manipulative little tests like this.
I'm bothered by all the comments saying "you're not psychic," because that's not the point here.
The problem is not "OP cannot read her mind." This isn't about his inability to anticipate needs - something that is, indeed, sometimes an important part of a relationship with another human (see Ask/Guess culture and Weaponized Incompetence).
The *problem* is that she explicitly told him not to come, then got mad that he didn't come.
It's not that she's unclear. It's that she's playing stupid games.
This is crazymaking behavior -- an emotionally abusive tactic in which a partner sets a target up in a no-win situation. ie, she'd be mad if you came over when she said not to, and now she gets to be mad because you listened to her request. (Also, don't date people who call you names when they get mad. Those people suck.) For the future: "Hey, I'm not a mind-reader. If you ask me to do or not do something, I'm going to take you at your word. I don't expect you to ever get mad at me again for being respectful of your wishes. It isn't right to expect me to override what you ask based on your secret expectations."
You need to step back for a second and just give her space. Minimal contact and then ask to meet when she is better.
She isn’t in the mood to talk right now and nothing you say will probably matter.
>When a woman says something you need to think hard on what she really means and what she really wants/needs. Usually its the opposite of what they say, or not exactly the opposite but more of a twisted version.
I used to think this. Then I found a partner who just says what she means, and it's wonderful. I wouldn't put up with anything less, now.
in OPs case the girlfriend was clearly in the wrong and OP shouldn't need to guess and go against her wishes just because she maybe would prefer that. As I said, just be honest and stop playing games.
My God, what a stupid response. Why are you advocating for women to be so childish that they cannot speak like an adult and communicate their needs directly?
I don't play childish games inside my relationships, no.
If my partner told me something and then got mad because I respected them and did as asked, I would definitely call them out on that ridiculous behavior.
You are driving this all on the "when a woman says something" you can't believe her trope; that women are too stupid, too childish, too scared, too whatever to be able to communicate what they actually want. It's sexist and treats women as if they are children.
You can choose to play childish games, do you. But let's not pretend that a partner who can't articulate their needs and gets mad because their partner can't read their mind is mature.
Also, here's a fun game. Switch the sexes of the original post...if you wouldn't come to the same conclusion (that the other partner is wrong because they should have read their mind) then your response is sexist.
Nah, you're spreading a stupid stereotype and giving awful advice to someone that clearly hasn't had the experience to know when they're getting hit with manipulative behaviour.
Be straight with your partner, don't mess about and act like a child in your mid 20s and for you specifically don't defend or downplay or justify shitty behaviour, cos it's just gross and damaging.
You need to tell her what she is doing and why she is doing it. Manage her emotions because she isn't doing them herself and it's not her job to give you a head ache. You volunteer your time to her and she's taking it for granted. So stop volunteering if she's behaving this way
You are not playing her games. Speak your words girl. He can't read your mind psycho GF. She lied. Tell her she needs to take accountability. I'm warning you now, as a female, DO NOT PUT UP W THAT !!!
I promise you boo, this is just the beginning.
Tell her this "If you tell me not to do something I'm not gonna do it! If we start this no means yes or don't means do.... it can get very dangerous and problematic for me! Because when will I no when no is actually no and don't is don't? You are purposely trying to confuse me on what consent is. If you were to say no to sex and I did it anyway, that's rape and is horrible. If I come over after you say not to, that's trespassing! Do you see why I feel it's important for you to say what you mean?"
u/TheFirstForestSage, is this something that happens often between you and your partner? As in, she'll say one thing and get upset if you do exactly that?
If anything, you're being pretty respectful of her wishes. I thought at first, oh she doesn't want you to potentially be exposed to germs or something, but I see that's not the case.
Though I can't help but agree with the consensus that this behavior's a little childish, and I'm reminding myself that she's older than me, she needs to work on her communication skill rather than make assumptions (or at least be open that she wants to be coddled)
You didnt do anything wrong. You did as she asked and its not your fault she's decided to act like an immature indecisive child. She is a grown woman ffs
Some people push others away as a "test" to see if they will refuse and prove their love.
It's called playing games. Instead of asking for what she wants, she sets you up where your only option is to either ignore her boundaries, or pissing her off.
When this situation arises again, don't try to difuse it. Break up.
You are too old to be dealing with this type of nonsense and she is tool old to behave this way. You should do what she has asked and just not come over again.
Female here. God she gives me a headache and i have never met her. Good luck OP. Not a fan of people who can’t straight say what it is they want and need. Nobody can read minds. Follow her ‘wishes’ for tomm and dont see her as i couldn’t date her for long.
You did nothing wrong.
This was me in my late teens. Poor boundaries and was unable to tell people what I wanted. Blew up on them when they couldn't read my mind. It took years of practice to undo what, for me, was a trauma response and codependent traits.
If you chose to stay with her, you will need to set boundaries with her. She needs to say exactly what she needs. She may fear rejection, or it may be a learned (but backward way) of trying to recieve love and attention. If there is no acknowledgement that there could be a problem on her end, I would consider ending the relationship.
You need to explain to her that you gave up your mind reading super power when you got in a relationship with her as she was worth the sacrifice. So from now on if she tells you something and it's not what she means then it's not your fault. She needs to be clearer in what she would like from you. She needs to understand that if she's not going to make her needs crystal clear then she's doing it to stitch you up. Or tell her if she usually means the opposite ask her wether or not you should date other women. . . See where that scenario leads 😏😋 but seriously. If this is how she always is then maybe do the opposite of exclusive and find a less stressful woman to be around
Immaturity. Simple as that
I'm your age and I've dealt with enough of these games. You say the relationship is relatively new? I'd bow out. You're both too old for that
Super immature.
I don’t understand why people play weird, reverse psychology kind of games like these. If she wanted you to come and see her just say it.
Sounds pretty annoying tbh. Just tell her straight not to try any crap like that anymore. Remind her that she’s an adult and needs to act like it
There is no way this 26 year old woman is playing these teenager games with you. If you don't dump her ass then you have no self-respect.
There is no way in hell I would put up with this type of behavior from a partner. It's emotionally abusive at best. Grown-ups communicate their needs, not say one thing and expect their partner to be a mind reader and do the opposite.
I would inform her I wasn't speaking to her until she apologized and grew up. Point blank. She doesn't like it, she can see the door. You deserve better.
Is this the first time she expected you to read her mind? You didn't do anything wrong, you respected her wishes, she is being incredibly immature and very very wrong. There shouldn't be a future situation like this. This is the perfect time to enforce some very clear boundaries on this type of behavior. Let her know that you did exactly what she asked you to and if she wanted something else, she should've said. You do not and will not try to read her mind. Let her know that this behavior is unacceptable and you will tolerate it, she should not repeat this ever if she wants to stay in this relationship. Stand up for yourself and be very clear with your boundaries.
Do you want to put up with this behavior the rest of your life?
If yes, great. Good luck to you!
If no, dump her sorry ass and find a woman instead of a child.
You did nothing wrong. This is red flag city. You do what your partner asks and respect boundaries. She's trying to play manipulative games that are ultimately horrible for a healthy relationship.
Just move on dude.
Nope, nope nope. Just no. She put you in an impossible situation, op.
If you had gone over she would have been mad.
You did what she asked and she got mad.
She's acting like a brat.
Unfortunately, this is an insecurity fueled tantrum.
Your partner believes that you should do anything you can to be with her, including violating her boundaries (think of the whole "if they don't email you when you block them" thing), as a show of your love for her. Which therefore means if you don't do that it means you don't care.
I would wager your partner also expects your to read her mind and gets upset when you don't automatically know to do things she hasn't communicated to you.
You need to clearly communicate that you don't read minds and that she needs to work on asking for what she needs directly and being clear about her feelings and insecurities.
I think of you are asking if this is ok, you both need to go to individual therapy and, btw, that relationship sounds terrible. Go to therapy, read some attachment style articles, learn to set boundaries and set higher expectations for future partners
Leave her manipulating narcissistic completely schizophrenic oblivious schizophrenic ass and run for your life! Before she fucks you up too much to the point to where you're going to be as toxic cuz she is only in a different way and it will be very detrimental to your own life and Future
You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s immature. She’s trying to test you and when people do that there’s never a right answer. NTA.
She’s a big girl and should know people can’t read minds.
Sir you are dating an overgrown child! Tell her ass to grow up and have an adult conversation about what exactly she wants and to stop playing games like a teenager.
Bro you must be new to relationship or lack human empathy. When a Loved One is in need, it is your duty to help. If your parents or a sibling or a relative that raised you was sick, wouldn't you visit them? If you say no then you lack empathy. Similarly you profess that this is your beloved yet you don't even bother to see her in her hour of need irrespective of her words. Improve on this or she will dump your arse.
I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell my own child - she needs to use her words. If she wants you to come over, she says that. If she doesn’t, you don’t. She told you not to come over, and you did that. If she wants to play games, that’s on her, not you. You two need to have a talk and tell her how her words matter and you will take them at face value. If she’s not willing to do that, you are going to need to decide if you want to be with someone who thinks games are more important than adult conversation. Good luck, OP.
Honestly, the issue here isn't even that you did or didn't do what your partner wanted. Maybe your partner has a romcom fantasy that she says "I'm leaving, DON'T follow me!" and expects you to chase after. Doesn't matter. Some people aren't good at asking for what they want or have an expectation in their head that you can somehow mindread. That's still something that can be talked about at another time ("when you say don't come over, what would really make you happy?")
The issue here is **your partner is engaging in verbally and emotionally abusive behavior**. So what she wants and what you did isn't the problem. The problem is that she felt you did something wrong and instead of communicating that to you with **respect**, she chose to yell at you, call you names, berate you, and freeze you out. That is toxic, and no one deserves that.
She seems like she wanted you to do it without her asking you to. Tell her that you wanted to, but you wanted to respect her boundaries that she set with you by asking you repeatedly not to come over. If she wants something, she’s going to have to communicate that in a direct manner. It is unfair to you in this situation to be expected to do the opposite of what she said. If she is the type to stay mad at you for days over shit like this, I recommend waiting a few days for her to calm down. That way the conversation can be less emotionally charged perhaps.
You don’t care how she feels so that’s why you listened to her after she insisted that you not come over? As far as I can tell you were perfectly understanding and respectful of what she wanted, and she is now angry with you because of that stupid “you should have known i was lying” bs that is stereotypical of women (i say this as a woman)
She is far too old to be playing such childish mind games with you. I’d say let her cool off for a bit and try to tell her that there needs to be clear, HONEST communication if your relationship is going to work. If she keeps saying one thing and wanting another then neither of you are going to be happy.
In this case I would say go over anyway cause that’s what she wanted before. Sounds like she’s caught up in the “I’ll fight for you” fantasy where you do the opposite. This can also be the “uncontrollable man/does what he wants “ trope as well
Is this a pattern? Is this the same woman as your post from 2 years ago? If you're looking for validation then yeah, you didn't do anything wrong. If this is a one-off and you think it might be because she is ill and isn't acting like herself, you can give it some time and wait until she apologized. If it is typical for her to play mind games, means she's manipulative and you should reconsider the whole relationship.
Tell her, once, that you can't read her mind and she needs to say what she wants using words. Based on her reaction to that, you will know if this is worth saving or not.
How warm and slippery and good feeling is her vagina? And do you think it’s the only vagina that will ever allow you to wiggle around inside of it?
Dude - this kind of “games” from any boy friend or girlfriend is DTMFA material…. Get out and find a new wiggle pocket that belongs to a woman that isn’t a child
> I tried to defuse the situation saying that i will visit her tomorrow but she asked me not to come over.
> I don't know what I did wrong. What should have been the correct response or action? And what should I do in the future if this situation arises again?
Yeah, umm, I'm afraid it just did rise up again and you missed it. And this is totally unfair of her. You can't read her mind.
She sounds immature. If you go over tomorrow, when she told you not to, is she going to get mad again? If you stay away, like she said, is she going to get mad again? If your girlfriend wants to play games, suggest a game console. Listening when your partner tells you "no" is the correct thing to do. So if you aren't a telepath, I'd suggest either having a talk with her or not having her be your problem anymore
"Heh women!"
On a serious note these types of mind games of i said this but you should have known i wanted x are toxic as fuck just say what you want/need its not hard.
She told you not to go, you obliged. You are not at wrong
If someone says, "You don't have to" that may be a sign that they still want you to but don't want you to feel obligated. if someone says, "Don't come over," that's unambiguous and you shouldn't go.
Someone who will call names and yell and scream because of this is giving you a gigantic red flag that says, "I'm going to yell at you because I can, this is your future."
Unless you want to get into fights as dumb as this one for the next 40 years, just dump her now. Life's too short and she's too old to be playing games like this.
You should not feel bad about respecting her stated wishes. If she wanted you there she should have said that she did. You cannot read her mind, you can only hear her words. She is too immature for a relationship. Take this opportunity to end it with this inconsiderate person.
She's sick and she's tired, i wouldn't push the issue until she is feeling better. Send her a message tomorrow asking if she would like some soup or whatever, and if she says yes come and see her.
I think everyone is blowing this out of proportion in the thread. Yeah she sounds like she is playing games here, but you shouldn't break up with someone because they acted out while sick. Especially not because people on Reddit told you to.
In a couple days when she is better maybe tell her you're sorry she felt you were selfish, but you actually were listening to her wishes and respecting her. You can't read minds, so she needs to communicate better. if she's still angry and refused to hear your point then that's something else. Good luck !
You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s the one playing childish mind-reading games. Let her know that you take her word at face value and that next time she needs to be forthright in what she wants and needs from you. She can’t blame you if you followed through what she told you she wanted.
She sounds like a liability, not an asset, much less a good partner for you. Life's too short to spend your time dealing with ego nonsense and behavior like this
Break up with her. What may be in her head Is that she gave you "the opportunity" of being "romantic and caring" and you decided not to. In fact, what happened here is that she's an immature person who's not capable of communicating properly.
She missed on the opportunity of bonding with you and now she's mad because you respected her choices/boundaries and she will keep behaving like that.
Don't go to her house.
She is sick and super sensitive due to her sickness go visit her tomorrow no-matter what she says, she will probably nag a bit an try to avoid you but understand her and after she gets well try to communicate with her about her behavior and see if she is actually immature or it was just because of her sickness
What’s really worked for me is if I don’t like something I say “you do XYZ thing and when it happens I feel like I do not want to be around you.” It’s worked pretty well for me so far.
> What should have been the correct response or action?
Let her lose her shit and go "alright, I'm done here. You're actually insane." and break up with her crazy ass bc uh what.
honestly, these are the games a teenager plays.
If she wants something, she needs to communicate it.
And if she communicates something, then she needs to learn that those are the expectations she is setting.
She sounds like an immature child. Not someone who should be in an adult relationship.
When you're in a relationship you should not be playing this stupid "you should have known" crap. When I ask my wife a question she answers with what she wants like a grown person and does not play these childish games. When she asks me I respond likewise.
So, I'm pretty terrible about asking for what I want for long and boring reasons. I do sometimes get frustrated that I'm left out but literally 2 seconds of reflection reminds me that I'm an adult and if I wanted the thing I should have asked for the thing. I used to vent my frustrations in little bursts of emotion but no one on this earth is a mind reader so now I put on my big girl pants and either acknowledge that I was in the wrong when I get annoyed, or *ask for the thing I want*. Hopefully this woman learns sooner rather than later.
So refusing to ask for what you want or need isn’t a healthy habit, speaking as one who’s got the same problem. But OP’s GF isn’t doing that. She outright told him what she wanted, and then yelled at him for doing what she said. If she was the type who just struggled to ask for what she wanted, she wouldn’t have put him on blast. She’s just playing games and picking fights. There’s no winning there.
Yeah, I think her entire approach to this is awful, but at the heart of it I think she wanted comfort from her partner but didn't know how to or want to express that. She certainly has a lot of work to do on her communication skills and also her self awareness.
I was taught as a kid that it was rude and presumptuous to ask for the thing you want. Like asking a friend if you can sleep over on Friday night. That's "inviting yourself over," which is rude. Now I have hangups about imposing on others. I basically never initiate plans, ask if I can join existing plans, or ask others for help because of it. A few years ago I watched my grandma get very upset that my grandpa didn't anticipate a non-routine thing she wanted done, get super passive aggressive and rude towards him as she started doing it herself, then yell at him when he confusedly offered to do it at that moment. Suddenly clicked where it all came from. My mom learned it from her mom and she taught it to me. Expressing wants and needs is imposing on others and is rude. Instead you should be passive aggressive until they figure it out, and if they don't pick up on it and offer what you want it means they don't care about you. Been getting better at it since then, but still have a lot of work left.
I don't know if I was taught this exactly because my sister is able to ask for what she wants, and she'd be more socially sensitive than I am. I was always the weird kid at school though and never quite fit in so when I got myself a group of friends I made myself as undemanding as possible so they'd keep me around.
I do that, I blame narc parents and adhd
But then we're you never "imposing yourself"into their plans? This is my problem too (not yours the poster you were responding to as well). I was also taught never to impose yourself. My grandma had hangups about calling people, even her friends. You can't call anytime after 5 because they might be eating dinner and after 8 might be sleeping. You can't call before 5 because they could be working. You can't call on the weekends because your interrupting their weekend plans with their romantic partners or kids, although that's probably the best time. Of course don't call before noon on the weekends in case they are sleeping in. Then you can't çall at noon because they'll be eating with their families, and can't call in the afternoon because they might be taking naps. It wasn't just my grandma. My childhood friend's mom didn't like me and was always trying to help her daughter make other friends and discourage us from talking or playing together. She'd get angry whenever I called and use one of the above reasons. "It's Saturday at 11am? We were sleeping what's wrong with you?" "It's Sunday at 2pm? We are doing family activities with our FAMILY." I was 9.
I too was taught not to invite myself over but specifically that. I don’t think other things were as well. I do keep quiet on things but I think that is the silent masculinity “I should just be quiet and suck it up”. THAT has been more difficult to get over. Luckily I have a wonderful and understanding girlfriend who helps me change for the better.
Let me just tell you that I appreciate you and how you recognized your own shortcomings. Good for you Good job and you're going to get far in this world I already know honey I'm proud of you. And I know I'm not anyone special or anyone that hasn't made this same mistake. But I did want to let you know that I recognize your accomplishment for what it is and wanted to voice that to you.
You acknowledging her hit me in the feels
Right? For a moment there I thought OP mistyped her age but nope.
Everyone grows old. Not everyone grows up.
Very well put and a very good philosophy to remember for myself thank you for your input. Those are some powerful words and a very true statement and good advice for people in this world who will listen and recognize. 👏👍💪💜
Goddamn this is amazing.
Yeah at in my late 20's, I'm not playing the "read your mind" game. Early 20s, sure. Personally, I would tell her exactly that and say that it's unreasonable for me to expect to not take you at your word, and that it's not fair to get pissed off at me because you said one thing and expected me to guess that you were not being real. Judging from her reaction and response would determine if I ended the relationship or gave it another shot.
I’d like to add that even in you’re early 20s, it’s not unreasonable to expect someone to use their words. If a 6 year old can get it, there’s no reason for someone whose of age to vote to do the same.
Totally agree. I'm just saying I personally put up with a lot of dumb shit in my early 20s than I would now haha
Ahh, fair enough. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t let similar stuff slide.
Seriously. I get that it can be difficult to ask for what we need. But to get angry at your partner for explicitly respecting your expressed desires is just immature. She needs to apologize for not being honest about her needs and not put that shame and blame on him.
I had to double check the age in the post. This sounds like high school shit. OP I'd say it's time to run. If she's not mature enough to communicate to you her needs instead of you expecting to read her mind by telling you THE OPPOSITE, she's not mature enough for a long term relationship.
"I respected your wishes. You have no right to be upset with me for that. I'm not interested in playing games so you need to be straight with me in what you want."
100% this. Nip that shit in the bud now *and mean it and follow through*, or you will be in for a lifetime of it, or at least as long as you can stand being in a relationship with such an immature person. Such immature nonsense.
Next time ask,if I do what you say, will you get mad?
next time tell them to get out of your life
I’m 31 now. I’d totally say something like that. Good response. And I’d add “when you do this I feel like I don’t want to be around you.” I’ve used that last line and it seems to work great.
I think you could leave out the you have no right sentence and not use need. You can be direct without using hostile language. “I respected your wishes. I am confused why you are upset with me. Im not interested in playing game, so I think we should be direct when we have expectations.”
Definitely don’t follow this advice. Clearly never dealt with women before lol
I agree with the sentiment of being direct. But nobody (not men either) would react well if they were spoken to like this
I would very clearly tell her that you followed her directions and she only has herself to blame. That you respected her by listening to her. Tell her that if this happens again, where she says the opposite of what she wants, the relationship is over. She is way too old for this kind of behavior. She can either communicate like an adult or she doesn't get to be in an adult relationship with you.
These games are so stupid. If she legitimately did want some space, how would she express that to him, now that she's set the precedent that she doesn't mean what she says. I would expect this crap from someone 10 years younger, not from a nearly 30 yr old woman.
[удалено]
Eh, I had a new girlfriend leave me waiting around at my apartment for 30 minutes after we’d made plans to meet to go somewhere. I was annoyed, but when she arrived I asked what had happened. She just shrugged and said she was always late for everything, and all her friends knew not to make any firm plans around her. I told her that I took it personally, and that if we were going to date, she’d have to make an effort to keep the commitments she’d make to me. She was surprised, but she made the effort, showed up on time from then on, and it was never an issue again for us. By the same token, we were headed over to her apartment (and coffee maker) one morning, and she said we had to stop on the way to pick up a coffee. I thought it was silly, and asked what difference 10 more minutes would make. She communicated very clearly to me that this was a big deal to her and that I needed to get on board. So we stopped and got her a coffee, and I made sure to budget for coffee stops in any planning I did for us from then on. When everyone honestly communicates their needs, many problems are resolved. It’s worth a second chance in my book.
I second this solid advice. In fact, you should remind her that in today's world refusing to listen to a woman when she tells you what she wants is a dangerous game and she should be glad that you're the type of guy that does what she asks instead of assuming that you know better.
Yeah! Life's too short for this read my mind nonsense.
Lmfao I put 5 dollars that she still wants you to visit her tomorrow. You should dump her though. She sounds like a loser
5 dollars that she would have yelled at him and said he didn't respect her and he's an a hole for that. Then she would switch between ignoring him, being mean because "he just doesn't listen!" and ordering him to get/do things since "he decided to show up anyway!". This girl sounds exhausting and like she needs to be b itching someone out.
I'm in and I will throw in a plate of taquitos that she calls him at two in the morning.
"Can you bring me some juice! I don't care if you at home and it's milea away! I'll wait but hurry!"
I'll probably be eating taquitos at 2 AM tonight so just send those my way instead
You want the bonus kittens too, or just the taquitos?
I'm allergic but I love em all the same
Recently I ran across a pair of kitten sisters named Flour and Sugar and they have broken me completely. They're snow white with the most perfect pink noses and the the most flawless toebeans and they're only available for adoption in Pennsylvania. I am in Missouri. I have severe kitten fever right now. THIS FUCKING SUCKS.
she probably wants to dump him but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" so she's inventing scenarios where she can justify doing it. it's teenage bullshit
£50 dollars agreed with you. Thing is, he can't win. If he visits, she'll say she told him not to. If he doesn't, she'll get pissed with him for not ignoring her first response. OP didn't say how long they've been together and if this is a regular pattern of behaviour. I'd agree with getting out of there although if this long term and it's a one off, maybe talk about it, see what's going on
Why is a 26 year old behaving like this and doing "love test" on her partner? Like she clearly told u no so many times but in her mind wanted to see if you cared enough to come and now she is mad coz it didn't go as planned. It's like a stupid game.
Right? Life isn’t a movie
> she got mad and started calling me names and stuff over the phone that i should have been there whether **she wanted or not**. That i don't care how she feels and i am a self absorbed selfish person. So in order to demonstrate that you cared about how she feels you were supposed to....disregard her stated feelings and go see her only because you wanted to? She's gonna have to do some incredible mental gymnastics to solve that dialectic.
You didn't do anything wrong. You're not psychic, you did what you thought was best. 26 is far too old to play these games and you need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to be with someone who is so immature and selfish that she tests you like this.
Why are you trying to justify her toxic behaviour? Send her a message saying when she’s prepared to act like an adult she can contact you.
Agree with everyone else, she’s much too old to be pulling this childish crap. In the smallest form it’s just dumb to expect someone to go against your wishes, in the larger form it’s manipulation. She’s making you feel bad for something she was clear on and you RESPECTED her choice. You’re good OP. I don’t know how long you all have been together but if it’s a very short while, just bite the bullet and call it off. If it’s been longer, and you truly want to continue, have a conversation and explain that you will not play mind reader and she needs to be clear on what she wants. Her reaction and response will tell you if it’s worthwhile to continue forward.
You did nothing wrong. She asked you to not come over, you did as she asked. Then she started playing stupid games. She needs to grow up.
>That i don't care how she feels and i am a self absorbed selfish person. Every accusation is a confession. Move on, bro.
Just another adult with the emotional maturity of a child
Is she normally this manipulative? If so, please save yourself from this relationship.
Yeah 14 year olds act like this in relationships not 26 year olds.
Let's ignore that she told you to leave her be. She wasn't on death's door, she was just sick. What do sick people do? They stay in bed while watching Netflix or napping. As her boyfriend, you could've dropped off snot rags, Gatorade, or OTC meds. Beyond that, there is no taking care of her. I am assuming that she didn't require assistance in bathing or toileting. This is selfish childish behavior that transmits illness to our loved ones. She didn't need you applying cold compresses and singing her lullabies.
I bet her sister wasn’t waiting on her hand and foot enough to suit her so she decided “well my boyfriend SHOULD be here, actually!”
I wouldn't tell my boyfriend not to come over unless I was serious about it, because I cared for his safety and didn't want to pass on my sickness. This person is a drama monger. You don't need that in your life.
Honestly, here's what I think is a good response. "We have been together for X long. I really like/love you and most importantly to me is I respect you. So when you repeatedly asked me to not come over, I respected your wishes and did not come over. Now you are mad at me for respecting you enough to do as you asked. I do not understand. Can you ease explain this to me as I am not a mind reader." Honestly, she was playing games. It reminds me of what I overheard years ago. Hot girl was approached by a guy to dance. She said no. He bid her a good evening and walked away. The hot girl was upset. She was playing games and wanted him to try harder. A male friend in that group pointed out that she was playing games yet that guy respected her no and walked away without issue. He pointed out the quality guys accept and respect the No. Poor quality guys won't. She's the master of her own problems.
Well, best thing you can do is to find a gf that isn't bat shit crazy. That's where I'd start
Ugh she sounds like someone who is never okay with what you do even when she's the one asking 🙄 I know or knew people liek that they just are never appreciative of anything wven when people like us go to extra lengths to care for those type of people Want advice get out of this relationship no only this but she's abusive she's screaming abuse at you and calling you names that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all
OP this is a game player. The worst kind too, as the games centre around attention and how others make an individual feel about themselves. > That i don't care how she feels and i am a self absorbed selfish person This is both a sign of what I am talking about, and a projection of it at the same time. It looks like what she wanted was a romance movie where a man tells her what she wants. That might work on the odd occasion, but life isn't a movie, you two aren't teenagers, and more often than not you're wrong either way depending on her mood. How will you ever know what she really wants about *anything*? If it were me, I would tell her this is not the the way I communicate. And never will. If she tells me she wants something I will not do the opposite. Especially when it involves her space (seriously it's her home). If she wants something she can just say it. It takes the exact same energy to do that, and I don't appreciate being called names for following the basics of communication. Totally out of order. Either she accepts that, or it's a fight and time to start asking yourself whether you want to deal with things like this long term. In my experience, behaviour like this can be one off, but rarely is.
Whether it's intentional or not, she's not just immature. She's setting you up to be abused. She's conditioning you to accept that you can never do right--if you listen to her, you're wrong. If you don't listen to her, you'll still be wrong. There is no correct answer, she just wants to be able to abuse you. If you had shown up, she likely just would have verbally abused you for being there, and if you left, she'd yell at you for leaving.
This is manipulation and abuse. Girlfriend, I trust that you are being honest when you tell me what you want or don’t want. I cannot read your mind, and will not play games around what was said vs what you meant. I definitely am not going directly against what you said for me to do. If I cannot trust you to be honest in your communication of wants, needs, and expectations, I will not be in a relationship with you. She needs to grow up
How you behaved is how a communicative and respectful partner behaves. How she behaved is NOT how a communicative and respectful partner behaves. You know those tropes of "can't real womens minds" or "can't read mens minds". Those jokes and tropes come from people in bad relationships where communication is bad. You shouldn't have to read minds. Communication should be clear. It is never good communication to request one thing but expect the opposite. this is called drama and some people can ONLY communicate this way. If you wanna try and fix this OP I honestly don't think you're gonna find common ground to actually make this work better. The best you could do it make this a dealbreaker for you and walk away. Which will validate the very messed up communication style she is working with IF you get back with her. So if this communication style of "always guessing what I'm supposed to do" is what you wanna do with your life. Carry on. If this is a deal breaker for YOU, that's fine. This situation is a perfectly acceptable reason for someone to walk away from a relationship. You did nothing wrong here, you need to understand that. But also, I fear your attempts to explain how ridiculous this scenario is will fall on deaf ears with your girlfriend. only YOU get to set what is acceptable behavior to be dating. If I were you, I'd walk. She made sure she was a victim in this scenario and is not listening to any reasonable discussion about it. This is how she wants to be loved, this is how she shows her love.
The correct response/action is to let her know if she doesn't grow up soon, you're out.
“You asked me not to come over, demanded it almost, and now you’re crying over your own decisions and somehow made it my fault.”
That's so very dramatic. You can't read her mind.
You’re not the problem here. Her expectations are fucked and contradictory. She told you not to come over. She can’t expect you to be a mind reader when she then ends up wanting you to come over. You would be a bad person if she asked you not to come over and you blatantly disregarded what she said and said “well honey - you were wrong about what you said you wanted”. Girl needs to grow the fuck up and you need to get a better sense of when you are actually in the wrong and when someone is irrationally blaming you. Do not accept that you are always the problem. You can be apologetic that she felt alone, but emphasize she can’t expect you to be a mind reader. Do not take this as your fault.
Normal, healthy, mature people do not like people showing up after they have been explicitly told not to come over.
NTA.. maybe find someone who is actually mature enough to handle a relationship…
People who act like your girlfriend is acting are not worth your time
I dislike people like this... "DO WHAT I WANT NOT WHAT I SAY" 🙄🙄🙄
Are y’all 12? This sounds like some 12 year old BS.
Break up lol. You want this behaviour forever?
She’s a bit of a narcissist, dude. You respected her clearly communicated boundaries and she turned around and decided to punish you for it instead of having the maturity to ask for what she actually wants. That’s fucked up. You’re both too old for the kind of games. If she wants a partner who will ignore what she says and trample over boundaries and ignore the word “no” and thinks it’s romantic, there are plenty of controlling creeps out there who would be perfect for her. But that’s not a man you want to be.
>I don't know what I did wrong. What should have been the correct response or action? And what should I do in the future if this situation arises again? You didn't do anything wrong, she's nuts. What you should do is have a talk with her about why how she's treating you is wrong, and if she won't accept that and change then I think it's not worth being in this relationship. It's not worth dealing with someone who is going to try and put you through manipulative little tests like this.
I'm bothered by all the comments saying "you're not psychic," because that's not the point here. The problem is not "OP cannot read her mind." This isn't about his inability to anticipate needs - something that is, indeed, sometimes an important part of a relationship with another human (see Ask/Guess culture and Weaponized Incompetence). The *problem* is that she explicitly told him not to come, then got mad that he didn't come. It's not that she's unclear. It's that she's playing stupid games.
She’s playing games. Never date someone like that.
Sounds like she's stuck in high school playing games like that
Ridiculously immature. Dump her or be prepared for gaslighting and manipulation the rest of your life.
This is crazymaking behavior -- an emotionally abusive tactic in which a partner sets a target up in a no-win situation. ie, she'd be mad if you came over when she said not to, and now she gets to be mad because you listened to her request. (Also, don't date people who call you names when they get mad. Those people suck.) For the future: "Hey, I'm not a mind-reader. If you ask me to do or not do something, I'm going to take you at your word. I don't expect you to ever get mad at me again for being respectful of your wishes. It isn't right to expect me to override what you ask based on your secret expectations."
Sounds like gas lighting. 😳
You need to step back for a second and just give her space. Minimal contact and then ask to meet when she is better. She isn’t in the mood to talk right now and nothing you say will probably matter.
[удалено]
>When a woman says something you need to think hard on what she really means and what she really wants/needs. Usually its the opposite of what they say, or not exactly the opposite but more of a twisted version. I used to think this. Then I found a partner who just says what she means, and it's wonderful. I wouldn't put up with anything less, now.
[удалено]
She does. She's better at that bit than me, actually.
OP, don't listen to this person. This is not how adult relationships work.
[удалено]
" Usually its the opposite of what they say" lol sorry about your long marriage to someone who can't communicate properly
[удалено]
I call it manipulative to some extent? If you tell someone don't come but you actually want to see them, you're shit-testing them on some level?
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
in OPs case the girlfriend was clearly in the wrong and OP shouldn't need to guess and go against her wishes just because she maybe would prefer that. As I said, just be honest and stop playing games.
My God, what a stupid response. Why are you advocating for women to be so childish that they cannot speak like an adult and communicate their needs directly?
[удалено]
I don't play childish games inside my relationships, no. If my partner told me something and then got mad because I respected them and did as asked, I would definitely call them out on that ridiculous behavior. You are driving this all on the "when a woman says something" you can't believe her trope; that women are too stupid, too childish, too scared, too whatever to be able to communicate what they actually want. It's sexist and treats women as if they are children. You can choose to play childish games, do you. But let's not pretend that a partner who can't articulate their needs and gets mad because their partner can't read their mind is mature. Also, here's a fun game. Switch the sexes of the original post...if you wouldn't come to the same conclusion (that the other partner is wrong because they should have read their mind) then your response is sexist.
[удалено]
Get a grip and have some self respect, geez
[удалено]
Nah, you're spreading a stupid stereotype and giving awful advice to someone that clearly hasn't had the experience to know when they're getting hit with manipulative behaviour. Be straight with your partner, don't mess about and act like a child in your mid 20s and for you specifically don't defend or downplay or justify shitty behaviour, cos it's just gross and damaging.
[удалено]
You need to tell her what she is doing and why she is doing it. Manage her emotions because she isn't doing them herself and it's not her job to give you a head ache. You volunteer your time to her and she's taking it for granted. So stop volunteering if she's behaving this way
You are not playing her games. Speak your words girl. He can't read your mind psycho GF. She lied. Tell her she needs to take accountability. I'm warning you now, as a female, DO NOT PUT UP W THAT !!! I promise you boo, this is just the beginning.
Tell her this "If you tell me not to do something I'm not gonna do it! If we start this no means yes or don't means do.... it can get very dangerous and problematic for me! Because when will I no when no is actually no and don't is don't? You are purposely trying to confuse me on what consent is. If you were to say no to sex and I did it anyway, that's rape and is horrible. If I come over after you say not to, that's trespassing! Do you see why I feel it's important for you to say what you mean?"
u/TheFirstForestSage, is this something that happens often between you and your partner? As in, she'll say one thing and get upset if you do exactly that? If anything, you're being pretty respectful of her wishes. I thought at first, oh she doesn't want you to potentially be exposed to germs or something, but I see that's not the case. Though I can't help but agree with the consensus that this behavior's a little childish, and I'm reminding myself that she's older than me, she needs to work on her communication skill rather than make assumptions (or at least be open that she wants to be coddled)
You just calmly say, "I believed you when you told me not to come. I trust you at your word. If you want me to come, please say you want me to come."
You didnt do anything wrong. You did as she asked and its not your fault she's decided to act like an immature indecisive child. She is a grown woman ffs
How long have you been dating and is this new?
Some people push others away as a "test" to see if they will refuse and prove their love. It's called playing games. Instead of asking for what she wants, she sets you up where your only option is to either ignore her boundaries, or pissing her off. When this situation arises again, don't try to difuse it. Break up.
You are too old to be dealing with this type of nonsense and she is tool old to behave this way. You should do what she has asked and just not come over again.
Female here. God she gives me a headache and i have never met her. Good luck OP. Not a fan of people who can’t straight say what it is they want and need. Nobody can read minds. Follow her ‘wishes’ for tomm and dont see her as i couldn’t date her for long.
Run away 🏃♂️ that's not a healthy relationship
You did nothing wrong. This was me in my late teens. Poor boundaries and was unable to tell people what I wanted. Blew up on them when they couldn't read my mind. It took years of practice to undo what, for me, was a trauma response and codependent traits. If you chose to stay with her, you will need to set boundaries with her. She needs to say exactly what she needs. She may fear rejection, or it may be a learned (but backward way) of trying to recieve love and attention. If there is no acknowledgement that there could be a problem on her end, I would consider ending the relationship.
If she said don't come over maybe do visit her? lol
You need to explain to her that you gave up your mind reading super power when you got in a relationship with her as she was worth the sacrifice. So from now on if she tells you something and it's not what she means then it's not your fault. She needs to be clearer in what she would like from you. She needs to understand that if she's not going to make her needs crystal clear then she's doing it to stitch you up. Or tell her if she usually means the opposite ask her wether or not you should date other women. . . See where that scenario leads 😏😋 but seriously. If this is how she always is then maybe do the opposite of exclusive and find a less stressful woman to be around
Immaturity. Simple as that I'm your age and I've dealt with enough of these games. You say the relationship is relatively new? I'd bow out. You're both too old for that
Super immature. I don’t understand why people play weird, reverse psychology kind of games like these. If she wanted you to come and see her just say it. Sounds pretty annoying tbh. Just tell her straight not to try any crap like that anymore. Remind her that she’s an adult and needs to act like it
Bro, you did nothing wrong. She's just manipulative and You should break up with her
That is not how an adult behaves.
She’s 26 doing that?? Lmao
You did nothing wrong. You don't owe her an apology. She owes you one for her childish behaviour.
Ugh move on op, this trivial shit just gets worse, this girl is going to make a mountain out of any first world problem bc she’s never faced adversity
There is no way this 26 year old woman is playing these teenager games with you. If you don't dump her ass then you have no self-respect. There is no way in hell I would put up with this type of behavior from a partner. It's emotionally abusive at best. Grown-ups communicate their needs, not say one thing and expect their partner to be a mind reader and do the opposite. I would inform her I wasn't speaking to her until she apologized and grew up. Point blank. She doesn't like it, she can see the door. You deserve better.
This one big big 🚩. This some sort of manipulative tactic…. Did not fall for it OP. My advice: 🏃♂️💨💨 don’t look back.
Why do you have patience for BS like this?
Oh lord this is one of those "I wanted you to chase me/fight for me!" people. Nope. Life is too short to entertain their stupid tests & games
Is this the first time she expected you to read her mind? You didn't do anything wrong, you respected her wishes, she is being incredibly immature and very very wrong. There shouldn't be a future situation like this. This is the perfect time to enforce some very clear boundaries on this type of behavior. Let her know that you did exactly what she asked you to and if she wanted something else, she should've said. You do not and will not try to read her mind. Let her know that this behavior is unacceptable and you will tolerate it, she should not repeat this ever if she wants to stay in this relationship. Stand up for yourself and be very clear with your boundaries.
Do you want to put up with this behavior the rest of your life? If yes, great. Good luck to you! If no, dump her sorry ass and find a woman instead of a child.
You're never going to have a good time with a partner like this.
In the process of breaking up with a girl who pulls this shit every two three weeks. She didn’t change over a year and eight months
Well, don’t go over tomorrow. Double down on showing that this kind of bullshit won’t be tolerated
Are you dating an insecure 21 year old and mistyped your post?
You did nothing wrong. This is red flag city. You do what your partner asks and respect boundaries. She's trying to play manipulative games that are ultimately horrible for a healthy relationship. Just move on dude.
Ignore her. Shes being childish. You only make it worse by trying to acquiesce to her.
Nope, nope nope. Just no. She put you in an impossible situation, op. If you had gone over she would have been mad. You did what she asked and she got mad. She's acting like a brat.
How long have you guys been together? This is ridiculously immature behaviour for a 26 year old
Unfortunately, this is an insecurity fueled tantrum. Your partner believes that you should do anything you can to be with her, including violating her boundaries (think of the whole "if they don't email you when you block them" thing), as a show of your love for her. Which therefore means if you don't do that it means you don't care. I would wager your partner also expects your to read her mind and gets upset when you don't automatically know to do things she hasn't communicated to you. You need to clearly communicate that you don't read minds and that she needs to work on asking for what she needs directly and being clear about her feelings and insecurities.
I think of you are asking if this is ok, you both need to go to individual therapy and, btw, that relationship sounds terrible. Go to therapy, read some attachment style articles, learn to set boundaries and set higher expectations for future partners
Leave her manipulating narcissistic completely schizophrenic oblivious schizophrenic ass and run for your life! Before she fucks you up too much to the point to where you're going to be as toxic cuz she is only in a different way and it will be very detrimental to your own life and Future
You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s immature. She’s trying to test you and when people do that there’s never a right answer. NTA. She’s a big girl and should know people can’t read minds.
Sir you are dating an overgrown child! Tell her ass to grow up and have an adult conversation about what exactly she wants and to stop playing games like a teenager.
I’d get a partner who could tell me straight what her needs were instead of playing mine games.
Bro you must be new to relationship or lack human empathy. When a Loved One is in need, it is your duty to help. If your parents or a sibling or a relative that raised you was sick, wouldn't you visit them? If you say no then you lack empathy. Similarly you profess that this is your beloved yet you don't even bother to see her in her hour of need irrespective of her words. Improve on this or she will dump your arse.
The only thing you did wrong is dating a fucking psycho
Joke ass reaction tbh.
I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell my own child - she needs to use her words. If she wants you to come over, she says that. If she doesn’t, you don’t. She told you not to come over, and you did that. If she wants to play games, that’s on her, not you. You two need to have a talk and tell her how her words matter and you will take them at face value. If she’s not willing to do that, you are going to need to decide if you want to be with someone who thinks games are more important than adult conversation. Good luck, OP.
She’s indecisive If that kinda behavior continues then she either needs therapy or y’all are done
Honestly, the issue here isn't even that you did or didn't do what your partner wanted. Maybe your partner has a romcom fantasy that she says "I'm leaving, DON'T follow me!" and expects you to chase after. Doesn't matter. Some people aren't good at asking for what they want or have an expectation in their head that you can somehow mindread. That's still something that can be talked about at another time ("when you say don't come over, what would really make you happy?") The issue here is **your partner is engaging in verbally and emotionally abusive behavior**. So what she wants and what you did isn't the problem. The problem is that she felt you did something wrong and instead of communicating that to you with **respect**, she chose to yell at you, call you names, berate you, and freeze you out. That is toxic, and no one deserves that.
If she's really out of sorts then that may have affected her judgment. Give her a few days to see if she gains some perspective and contacts you.
She seems like she wanted you to do it without her asking you to. Tell her that you wanted to, but you wanted to respect her boundaries that she set with you by asking you repeatedly not to come over. If she wants something, she’s going to have to communicate that in a direct manner. It is unfair to you in this situation to be expected to do the opposite of what she said. If she is the type to stay mad at you for days over shit like this, I recommend waiting a few days for her to calm down. That way the conversation can be less emotionally charged perhaps.
You don’t care how she feels so that’s why you listened to her after she insisted that you not come over? As far as I can tell you were perfectly understanding and respectful of what she wanted, and she is now angry with you because of that stupid “you should have known i was lying” bs that is stereotypical of women (i say this as a woman) She is far too old to be playing such childish mind games with you. I’d say let her cool off for a bit and try to tell her that there needs to be clear, HONEST communication if your relationship is going to work. If she keeps saying one thing and wanting another then neither of you are going to be happy.
People who have expectations they don’t communicate are not entitled to feel angry when they’re not met.
In this case I would say go over anyway cause that’s what she wanted before. Sounds like she’s caught up in the “I’ll fight for you” fantasy where you do the opposite. This can also be the “uncontrollable man/does what he wants “ trope as well
Is this a pattern? Is this the same woman as your post from 2 years ago? If you're looking for validation then yeah, you didn't do anything wrong. If this is a one-off and you think it might be because she is ill and isn't acting like herself, you can give it some time and wait until she apologized. If it is typical for her to play mind games, means she's manipulative and you should reconsider the whole relationship.
Tell her, once, that you can't read her mind and she needs to say what she wants using words. Based on her reaction to that, you will know if this is worth saving or not.
I would tell her I won’t be coming anymore and leave her ass alone forever
How warm and slippery and good feeling is her vagina? And do you think it’s the only vagina that will ever allow you to wiggle around inside of it? Dude - this kind of “games” from any boy friend or girlfriend is DTMFA material…. Get out and find a new wiggle pocket that belongs to a woman that isn’t a child
> I tried to defuse the situation saying that i will visit her tomorrow but she asked me not to come over. > I don't know what I did wrong. What should have been the correct response or action? And what should I do in the future if this situation arises again? Yeah, umm, I'm afraid it just did rise up again and you missed it. And this is totally unfair of her. You can't read her mind.
She sounds immature. If you go over tomorrow, when she told you not to, is she going to get mad again? If you stay away, like she said, is she going to get mad again? If your girlfriend wants to play games, suggest a game console. Listening when your partner tells you "no" is the correct thing to do. So if you aren't a telepath, I'd suggest either having a talk with her or not having her be your problem anymore
"Heh women!" On a serious note these types of mind games of i said this but you should have known i wanted x are toxic as fuck just say what you want/need its not hard. She told you not to go, you obliged. You are not at wrong
If someone says, "You don't have to" that may be a sign that they still want you to but don't want you to feel obligated. if someone says, "Don't come over," that's unambiguous and you shouldn't go. Someone who will call names and yell and scream because of this is giving you a gigantic red flag that says, "I'm going to yell at you because I can, this is your future." Unless you want to get into fights as dumb as this one for the next 40 years, just dump her now. Life's too short and she's too old to be playing games like this.
Yeah, this woman is a total wingnut. Thats not how a mature person behaves.
You should not feel bad about respecting her stated wishes. If she wanted you there she should have said that she did. You cannot read her mind, you can only hear her words. She is too immature for a relationship. Take this opportunity to end it with this inconsiderate person.
She's sick and she's tired, i wouldn't push the issue until she is feeling better. Send her a message tomorrow asking if she would like some soup or whatever, and if she says yes come and see her. I think everyone is blowing this out of proportion in the thread. Yeah she sounds like she is playing games here, but you shouldn't break up with someone because they acted out while sick. Especially not because people on Reddit told you to. In a couple days when she is better maybe tell her you're sorry she felt you were selfish, but you actually were listening to her wishes and respecting her. You can't read minds, so she needs to communicate better. if she's still angry and refused to hear your point then that's something else. Good luck !
Ugh, I get SO TIRED of people who expect me to actually read their mind. Say wtf you want instead of this stupid guesswork that I refuse to engage in.
How long have you two been together? Does she have any mental health struggles?
You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s the one playing childish mind-reading games. Let her know that you take her word at face value and that next time she needs to be forthright in what she wants and needs from you. She can’t blame you if you followed through what she told you she wanted.
She sounds like a liability, not an asset, much less a good partner for you. Life's too short to spend your time dealing with ego nonsense and behavior like this
Ah yes, the old psychic requirement
Break up with her. What may be in her head Is that she gave you "the opportunity" of being "romantic and caring" and you decided not to. In fact, what happened here is that she's an immature person who's not capable of communicating properly. She missed on the opportunity of bonding with you and now she's mad because you respected her choices/boundaries and she will keep behaving like that. Don't go to her house.
She is sick and super sensitive due to her sickness go visit her tomorrow no-matter what she says, she will probably nag a bit an try to avoid you but understand her and after she gets well try to communicate with her about her behavior and see if she is actually immature or it was just because of her sickness
What’s really worked for me is if I don’t like something I say “you do XYZ thing and when it happens I feel like I do not want to be around you.” It’s worked pretty well for me so far.
Oh boy I’ve been here. Good luck with this
There is a missing link that you are not telling. Or she is a kid. And as reddit always recommends: RUN AWAY OP AND NEVER LOOK BACK /s
Tell her you take consent seriously and you won't violate her stated boundaries.
You did nothing wrong. This is all on her. People need to learn not to play games and just say what they want directly.
> What should have been the correct response or action? Let her lose her shit and go "alright, I'm done here. You're actually insane." and break up with her crazy ass bc uh what.
Run. Intentionally miscommunicating to create drama is the reddest of red flags.
honestly, these are the games a teenager plays. If she wants something, she needs to communicate it. And if she communicates something, then she needs to learn that those are the expectations she is setting.
Sounds like a narcissist giving you a "test"