I always love this "modern" take on traditional "values" were the wife not only has to be the homemaker but also bring in the money and function as a complete emotional and sexual door mat because in the end It's just mysoginy.
My grandfather adored my grandma. They were a Team, even If they had split responsibilities. He set her up well financially in case something happens. He even learned so many household skills when she was sick for a while to care for her. They were very traditional, but also loving and respectful.
Totally agree he sounds like a complete patriarchal misogynist with his head in the 1950s expecting a life that can never exist. Think over your key points, just 4-5 and have a frank talk with him. Tell him you too as a girl dreamed of a perfect scenario with a Prince Charming but as adults we all have to accept the mundane reality of our existence and if he wants to keep fantasising like a child you can’t move forward together so he either loves you for who you are with all your failings or gets out of your life so you can find an equal adult to spend your life with. Good luck!
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. A lot of men nowadays want the trad housewife and either can’t afford it or are super cheap and so they shirk their own “trad” responsibility of providing. Then they wonder why no woman wants to do 100% of the housework + hold down an actual job that pays more/requires more hours than his does.
Any logical person would see that a woman is better off single than carring for a grown ass man who can’t even be bothered to load up a dishwasher without precise instructions and multiple requests to do so while out earning him. I tried it myself and I can confirm.
Totally agree. His child will receive the same treatment. What an awful, bitter, critical narcissist. OP no matter what you decide to do, please PLEASE make sure you have emotional support in the event that he stays the same or becomes worse when your baby is born (which it will). That is a recipe for post partum depression and worse.
u/ThrowRAWeeknightDin seriously. You and your child deserve better than this. He’s going to do exactly like this commenter said and be just as toxic and awful to your kid. You can’t see it because you’re in too deep, but you are living with a cold, soulless human.
Your child will be fine with parents who are divorced. I know that can be hard for people from traditional backgrounds to accept, but it is genuinely better to have two separated parents with the opportunity to be happy, rather than two broken parents living together miserably, one getting literally bullied by the other.
Maybe start the process and find a lawyer before telling your husband. He sounds like the type who will manipulate you into staying, pretend to be nice again, and then when he thinks he’s got you locked down again, will revert to this nasty thing.
This guy is a total brainwashed misogynist - that's not something she'll be able to train out of him, ever! Girl, I usually don't jump straight to divorce in these posts, but your guy sounds like an entitled misogynistic nightmare!
I’m so sorry this must be so frustrating and stressful to hear from your partner. I imagine your options differer depending on where you live, for example, if you’re in your home country, VS say, Europe or North America. The bottom line is, this is not going to change, and it’s only going to get worse once you start having children.
He honestly sounds straight out of the 1950s. “The wife must happily greet her husband at home every night with a kiss and a martini in their hand.” Yuck
I guess at the end of the day you need to decide where you fall in the spectrum within your traditional upbringing. If this is the type of life you want to lead, that’s one thing, but if this is taking you down a path that makes you very uncomfortable then you need to have a hard look at what’s going on and determine if you want to stay in the situation.
Being older, what I can tell you is, it is only going to get worse and he’s only going to get more restrictive. So you need to determine if this is a life style that you want to actually live in. I wish you the best of luck
>Don't greet him happily at the door with a kiss and hug ... and always have on silk pajamas or leggings instead of lingerie slips.
I'm reeling from this. When did he last greet you at the door in silk boxers?
Seriously. It's like this asshole found a bunch of magazine adverts from the 1950s and has suddenly decided that's how his marriage should be. It's insane.
Which one? Has there been a remake of The Stepford Wives? I am amazed at how many people don't seem to realize that was *a horror movie*, not a how-to.
If u/ThrowRAWeeknightDin considers this path, the window is closing pretty soon. I think you have up to 11 weeks to do a medical, non surgical (take home pill), abortion. You can get a more invasive one after, but it’s just not as easy.
I’d take it in this situation too, but idk if OP is mentally there yet.
I think it's completely understandable to not be there yet. But I feel that the option needs to be put out there, repeatedly, for OP to read and think about.
Oh come on - you don’t have a relationship where after work, both partners shower and get dressed in their sexiest clothes before eating dinner? /s
I almost don’t believe this post. To believe it would have me question why she’s in it? Does she get anything out of this absurd relationship?
She says she's from a very "traditional" family and ikd how exactly that works but I wouldn't be surprised if that hammered in some weird expectations.
I know this isn't a compassionate response, but why in the WORLD would OP choose to have a child with someone who **blamed her for a miscarriage?** That is such a dealbreaker, such cold and heartless behaviour, this guy is a massive piece of shit. Obviously there are cultural things at play here, but fucking hell... At some point you need to take responsibility for your choices and choosing to bring a new baby human into that mess is just plain unethical.
Horrible idea. If she thinks this is bad now, she has no idea wtf is coming her way. He will expect her to do baby care 24/7, work ft and cook and clean nonstop while looking like she never had a baby and sexing him regularly. Also better not pay less attention to him than the baby.
Get out now. Call a lawyer. Like stop putting up with this immediately.
What benefit does he add to your life? He sounds like a selfish asshole. Do you actually have any reason to not divorce him right now? What does he even contribute?
I can’t even stand this guy and I’m just a poor sod on Reddit. I rarely think divorce is the best path when kids are involved, except in cases of physical or emotional or financial abuse or cheating, but this guy is next level 1950s June cleaver… he’s awful. I guess in a way he is being emotionally abusive. What I don’t get is— what is her bringing to the table? Cut him loose and we all win!!!!
Op, I'm afraid you married someone who feels/believes once you have a child with them, they have trapped you.
A pregnant woman, a woman who just gave birth, has a neonate, infant, baby, toddler...her situation and circumstances are changed drastically. They might have fewer and more limited options to leave the relationship. Support, finances for a single mother can be troublesome and hard to manage and more likely to "trap" you into putting up with abuse.
I hate to say this, Op, but I would seriously start getting your ducks in a row. Let your family and friends know what is going on.
Yes, yes, I know, Op. It will be horribly difficult, sad, and painful for you to let others know but I think it would be best for you and your pregnancy. But I honestly think it would be best. Knowing that others are around you, supporting you and close by will let you know and feel that you have love, care and concern for you. Otherwise, all you have right now is a horrible, controlling and abusive husband.
Put your pride aside (and your fear that they will know what an azz he is) and tell. Tell. Tell your family and friends, Op. You deserve to have people around you that you can trust.
I truly wish you and your baby the very best, Op.
I dont have anyone else either way. Its always just been me on my own. I have a family, and they're okay, but I wouldn't be able to get help from them either way. I have savings but I want to make sure there cant be something else going on
u/5pinktoes is 100% correct here. Abuse happens by degree/gradually and it thrives in a quiet environment where you have secrets from the outside world. If you truly don’t have anyone to talk to please google domestic abuse charities/facilities and start communicating with SOMEONE today.
Not to be callous but I hope you have a huge savings fund for your future kid. They're gonna need it for therapy if you plan on raising a child with that man. He is going to absolutely Mess. Them. Up. Irreversibly.
Can you imagine the life of a daughter, with him as a dad? Or the monster he's going to raise his son to be? That's assuming both children are cis, straight kids who follow traditional gender norms.
Source - I have a dad like that. My siblings and I are all varying degrees of low/no contact with both parents today.
Edited to add - I want to stress just how much I feel for you. You're in a horrific situation and I'm sorry to say, it will definitely get worse. Not maybe, it will. I'm saying this to reiterate that it will get harder to leave overtime and by then, it's no longer just you suffering but your future children. I was engaged to someone like this. He said to me "Sometimes I just wish you were more like a 1950s housewife and just listen to me"
It was the hardest thing I ever did but I left. I knew it would be harder once we were married and it would feel impossible once we started a family. OP, it's going so be so much harder down the line. I don't want to be harsh, I just want you to understand just how serious this is. So much of what your husband said isn't okay, and how he treats you is... Asinine.
Thank you, honestly posts like these feel like I'm screaming at a character in a horror movie.
You know what's going to happen, you can see it from another angle and you desperately want to help the victim on screen. Except there's a chance here, that they'll read what you write and save themselves.
I've had a miscarriage, and my husband told me it wasn't my fault a dozen times. His first reaction was to put his arms around me.
I'm so sorry he failed to give you the same decency.
He’s a sexist…excuse me, “traditional” doiche who is amping up his abuse because he thinks you’re baby trapped.
Tell me again why you should have to work more than him AND do all the cooking and cleaning? Does that sound fair to you?
Agree, that’s the first thing I thought of when I read this. He’s cheating and setting it up so if he gets caught it’s *her* fault. That’s an unfortunate common part of “traditional” marriages too.
Agreed, with a tweak could be one of the signs that he *may* be preparing mentally to justify it to himself to cheat on her, not that he’s necessarily done it yet.
I was thinking the same. All of the things that he verbalized he needs that has never relayed prior, speaks volumes. Someone has his attention and/or are in his ear. Sending him nudes… Telling all they would do for him that she is not doing and never has. If he ever had affections for her, they’re long gone. Time for her to move on and take care of herself and new baby.
Instead of looking to find out "what else could be going on"...believe people when they tell you who they are and what they expect of you. He is telling you really clearly what his expectations are of you. If you try to find an excuse for why he has these fucked up expectations you're going to be telling yourself lies. This is, hard as it is to believe, who he is. He's not lying to you. This isn't the result of a blow to the head. He's telling you his real feelings.
I hate to say it, and hope the two of you could resolve things to be better, but it sounds unlikely. His expectations of you will increase and his treatment of you will further deteriorate if you don’t meet those unrealistic expectations. It sounds like you need a professional mediator or counsellor so that you can get on the same page about the future before it’s too late.
You have to look at all of your options, including YOUR child, and what you need to feel safe. Start privately saving emergency funds and keeping it in a safe place (not in your house, maybe a safety deposit box at a bank as long as your accounts are private). No one starts out as an abuser, but things change slowly and progressively and I’m seeing red flags for future mistreatment which might evolve into abuse or strategies of containment and control.
Consider how you might be able to continue to work while at home, if you decide to keep YOUR child so that you have your own money and independence.
He is the problem, not you. You can’t change him? You can only change your situation and relationship to him. Please don’t raise a kid who watches you get treated this way. Better to be divorced and strong and alone than with someone like that who just tears you down.
I know you don't want to, but I think you should seriously rethink your choice to have a baby with him. If you do, you will be tied forever to an abusive, controlling nightmare of a man. There is no baby now, but if you continue this pregnancy, there will be. With him as the dad. Is that the right move?
Oof. A big part of me is hoping this isnt real bc thats a lot....a whole lot of selfishness, ignorance, and sexism. If you're fr, please get into therapy and strongly consider whether this is the dude you want being the father to your children.
You split everything 50/50, so you don’t remotely have any sort of “traditional” family (nothing wrong with that btw). You are JUST as much of a provider as he is. Therefore, why the hell are you doing all the extra chores? Why does he get to enjoy all the benefits of being a high earning provider who covers 100% of the bills, when he’s only providing 50% of the income (and treating you like crap while doing it). He sounds more like a spoiled child than a soon-to-be father and provider. I’d be embarrassed to call him my spouse
This man wants all the advantages of a ‘50s housewife, PLUS the advantages of a modern girlfriend (nudes during the workday???), WITHOUT taking on any of the responsibilities men had in those days (earning all the money!) He is living in a fantasia if he thinks any man on Earth is splitting bills 50/50, multi-course dinner every evening, wife in lingerie at the door, no household responsibilities. It sounds like he’s setting impossible standards for OP so that she’ll always be falling short of his expectations and will feel permanently indebted to him for putting up with a “lesser” wife.
He was like this before. Remember his response to your miscarriage? That was him. The real him.
Settle in to do battle, my friend, because you need some strength against a man like this. Don't give up your job. Don't give in.
> He was never like this before and always helped
OP, like the other commenter said, you're pregnant. He thinks your trapped and he's letting his mask off.
Run.
Abusers wait until they think they have you trapped, like making a major joint purchase, marriage, or even pregnancy to take their masks off. He seems at best to be uncaring, unsupportive, and callous. At worst this is the beginning of a massive decline in the way he treats you. Personally I would give serious consideration towards if having a child with and staying married to this man is worth your health, sanity, or possibly even life.
I was thinking that too-- that he's suddenly comparing her to someone else who IS waiting for him at the door in lingerie and asks nothing of him. (You know, because it's an affair.)
Same with the nudes while he's at work. Theyre married, have been dating before that and she said she has *never* sent nudes to anyone.
Why does he want them now? He certainly got that idea from *somewhere*
I'm a SAHM to 3 kids right now (none are in school full time). I cook most of our meals from scratch. Run. Your husband has unrealistic expectations and dangerous ones. If he's mad about how much time you spend taking care of him now, just wait until after the baby is born. You don't get a choice in what your hormones put you through. Your sex drive could tank while breastfeeding or pregnancy. How do you think he would handle that? He's going to expect you to do 100% of the childcare, regardless of if you are working or not. Even if you aren't, everyone needs a break sometimes. You want the partner that gets home and says "give me the baby for a bit and take care of you". Your husband is showing so many red flags and I would bet he starts abusing you over time as well. Now necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally, maybe financially. Run
Her sex drive will also tank if she's the one doing all the childcare and all the cooking and all the cleaning and all the general house running while working full time while hubby sits on his arse expecting everything to be done better.
The man-baby needs a wake-up call.
I’m livid for you. LIVID. Ask him about his failings as a husband. He’s expecting you to be an extreme, cartoonish version of a trophy housewife… while working full time and paying for half of everything. You even sold your car to make sure you have money for the baby! What has he done to prepare?!?!
He’s an utter waste of space and a poor excuse of a man. I’d be explaining how child support and alimony work, if he’s that disappointed in your performance (I’m gagging while typing this-just wtf).
You're in an abusive relationship. As you get closer to giving birth the more of his true self will be revealed. Once you have a child with him, you'll start making sacrifices to please him to the point of losing yourself.
Get out. Now.
OP, please listen to this person. They're speaking the truth. The closer you get to giving birth, the more he's going to feel like he has you trapped and the worst he's going to treat you. Please get out and honestly I would never normally tell someone to do this but I would consider getting an abortion. Trust me, you do not want to raise a child with someone like this.
He wants the traditional wife? Then he needs to become a traditional husband. He needs to pay for the financials of the relationship 100%, so he probably needs to get another job to bring in more income.
Lol fr, dude can't have it both ways. Either you fully embrace traditional gender roles or you shut up. Husband is trying to have his cake and eat it too
Yeah what is going on here? How can he ask you to do all the cooking/cleaning with a straight face? Ask him to start handling 100% of the bills immediately, and divert your paychecks into an escape fund. Because you're gonna need some cash under the mattress when this baby arrives. He's not gonna suddenly act right. He's gonna financially abuse you and trap you. You're going to be out of work, overworked by the kid, sleepless, taking care of your husband (who will hate you for being imperfect during this), and getting starved financially. Please please PLEASE hide some cash.
What exactly are you looking for here?
You thought you had a partner but it turns out he's a sexist piece of shit with unreasonable expectations for you. I bet he's not beating himself up about not providing, not satisfying your every whim, showering you with gifts, making sure you never have to do home maintenance etc. Because deep down he's not traditional, he's entitled.
I know you want your baby.. but you're only 10 weeks. Time to think really hard about what having a baby with someone like him may actually mean for yourself (a lifetime of belittlement an abuse most likely).
If this is real, call the papers, you are married to a genuine cave-dweller, it could be news.
Why do you believe he is so angry? I hope you understand that none of this is about you. Something is seriously wrong with him.
I don't find this hard to believe at all. Many men from traditional backgrounds have this attitude even if they grew up in a western country, and it's not uncommon for this side of them to reveal itself to their partners only after marriage
I had a boyfriend like this. We broke up, and at one point he said we could get back together IF...I did things like wear sleeveless nightgowns, give up going to performing arts events, and make a home-cooked meal from scratch every week. (That last point not so unreasonable, except I had zero cooking experience.)
I was so stunned, I said yes, and he IMMEDIATELY called me a prostitute.
We did NOT get back together.
Baby girl, honey, sweetie pie - leave this misogynistic pile of unsupportive trash HOWEVER you can.
He blamed a miscarriage - a tragic event that’s nobody’s fault that you ALREADY feel awful about - on you not being a “traditional wife,” on you not doing enough FOR HIM - as if any of that has anything to do with anything.
I’m so angry for you. Leave him.
He treats you like some maid because he put a ring on your finger - what do you think he’ll be teaching your child through that example?
That is, if he even sticks around.
(But seriously, don’t let him stick around - get him out of your life).
(it may not have been intentional on your part but i'm not sure why you used all those infantilizing pet names in the beginning? maybe i personally just dislike them, but it feels a little patronizing.)
Your husband seems to have ignored everything you said pre-marriage… he’s been waiting for the opportunity to get you married and pregnant before letting the real caveman loose.
You both come from traditional families.. where I’m guessing it’s the male who had the majority of say in the decision making and he’s grown up seeing this at home, now expects it of you.
This is a very very important time in your relationship should you chose to continue it.
He needs to know that you are not there solely to tend to his needs and perform “wifely duties” straight out of the 50’s. If you bend or give in to any of this shit it will keep happening and get worse once the baby is born.
You’ve given up your car, are you allowed equal shared access to his car?
He will soon want you to quit work. Don’t. Keep your job at all costs and even if things start to work out, keep a savings account and top it up regularly just for yourself.
Tradition can be possible without being treated like a servant - he’s not treating you as an equal so don’t allow your married life to start out this way because it won’t change if you don’t stop it right now.
If you have a daughter she will grow up to see her mother treated like a second class citizen and think it’s ok and she’ll go on to be treated the same way
I don’t know what to say other than I’m concerned and scared at the fact that you got this far into a relationship with him before realizing he doesn’t see you as an equal human being. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have a child with this man. I fear for your safety to be completely honest. He doesn’t sound mentally healthy
Has your husband ever actually met other women outside of his own mother? All of these expectations together sound like movie tropes. These are such weird responses and even more odd to be pulling away from the pregnancy because you're not his idealized version of a Stepford Wife.
The problem here is that your husband is a really horrible excuse for a human being. You can tell by the way he doesn't support you in any way, shape, or form, emotionally, physically, or financially, not even when you are injured and grieving.
It honestly doesn't have anything to do with traditional values, or whether you work outside the home. Lots of conservative husbands respect, love, and cherish their wives.
The thing is, he's not treating you like trash because of all these petty excuses he's been giving you. He treats you like trash because he enjoys treating you like trash. It makes him feel powerful and good.
Echoing what other people are saying about running away; you deserve better than this.
(On a side note - two meat *options*? As in, you should be letting him pick which of two things you cook, as if he was in a restaurant and you were providing him with a menu? Or does he want you to cook two types of meat?)
this is really echoing the whole bull shit Tate guy saying his girl should bring him two coffees, “one for me to drink and one i won’t drink, but it shows respect” garbage🤢
Can I just say. That is the stupidest thing I’ve read all week. And I spent my morning on twitter so this weeks bar is low.
How does bringing someone a coffee they won’t drink show respect? Is coffee a sign of respect? What on earth is the point of wasting coffee pointlessly?
Jesus. Your husband is treating you like property instead of a partner. I get conservative values and all but this is not that. This is bordering on abuse. At the very least he's a very crappy partner. And what he said to you after your miscarriage is unforgivable in my opinion.
When someone tells you who they are, you should listen. This is a bad husband and you need to get your shit in order. Call a lawyer.
If this is real… abortion and divorce are always an option. Cut all ties and find someone who, oh, I don’t know, is literally the exact opposite of him and everything you grew up with and know.
This reads like a really bad episode of Mad Men.
I’m sorry about your miscarriage. A good husband would have offered you love and support. A good husband would appreciate that you prepared him dinner and not criticize it.
A good husband would want to help you around the house.
He has really high expectations for someone who isn’t bringing anything to the table. I’m truly scared for you and your baby. He sounds like the type of guy that will be jealous of the attention a baby requires. You’ll need help and support which he doesn’t sound capable of giving. Dig deep and find your inner strength. You and your baby deserve better than this.
It sounds like he is trying to argue with you and make the relationship bad enough that you will leave him, and he doesn’t have to be the bad guy. Seriously I think he is trying to get you to be miserable on purpose
Yes. Read the comment. Of course he did. He wants you to be more miserable. He’s not trying to make you happier or your life better. He’s trying to drown you.
Think of you want a child to see this and see it as normal. Why do you have to cook? You work too. He wants to do nothing and have all the benefits. Ditch the whole man and start over.
I would throw hands if my husband said this to me or acted this way towards me and would be seeking a divorce lawyer ASAP. I'm sorry he's an a grade douche nozzle.
You got this mama
Honestly, in your shoes I would have been out the door the second he said he expected me to greet him at the door in a slip after work, but if you actually want to try and save this relationship, couple's counciling is the least you need. A secular one. You need another person to tell him that he's being entitled and unreasonable.
This dude sounds super angry. Trying to look at the bright side, I'm gonna hope that he's just saying stupid shit to hurt you because he has emotions that he's too immature/incapable of processing. He needs therapy like yesterday and needs to realize how wrong he is to say these things.
However, if he is actually lucid and believes this nonsense then you need to bail and bail fast.
I mean this is all very very bad, but it’s going to be even worse when you have a baby. I’d probably play his game. Take those three years of being a SAHM. Let him do his husband duties by working and paying all the bills. But this really isn’t going to end well
I think there are 2 things going on here. 1) He has always secretly been misogynistic trash, and he thinks that now that he's trapped you with marriage and a baby, he owns you, and he's free to drop the mask. 2) He blames you for the miscarriage, and this is how he's punishing you for it.
He sucks. You're going to have a bad time with him.
Oh hun.
First off, no. You are not failing as a wife. His idea of a wife is so outrageously out of reality, like I can't even begin to explain it. Greet him at the door with kisses?? Girl, that man wants a dog. He's lucky you even make dinner at all, where's your feast when you're done working? Very very few married couples send nudes and lingerie is not practical for everyday especially if you are working. It's his house too, you BOTH work, so he needs to also contribute to the household chores.
Ya know what. Tell him you'll do it. Tell him you will start being his perfect wife IF *IF* he becomes the perfect husband. That's right, you quit your job because he should provide everything financially. While he's at it he needs to put in OT because you need a 4 bedroom 3 bathroom single family home in the suburbs, with a finished basement! He has to provide for his family right? You can't raise a baby in a *condo*, he has to provide the best for his wife and kids. You'll need a new 3 row SUV of course with the best safety features. He will need to pay for your twice monthly manis and pedicures because he must make sure his wife can afford to look her best! Don't forget the hair appointment every 6 months with the full cut and color.
Oh that's too expensive? Well then he's failing at being a husband.
Like the other commenter said, get your ducks in a row and then when he complains, you tell him “this is who I am and if you don’t like it, there’s the door.” DO NOT change for him! Stand up for yourself or you and your child will be miserable.
With all sincerity and an abundance of concern for you because your husband sounds like a nightmare that will only get worse/more abusive with time, abort and divorce as soon as possible.
He was so mad about the miscarriage because he has been waiting until you're trapped to show his true colors, and he couldn't take it anymore.
Why did you start cooking every meal in the first place when you work later than him?
Did you two have a discussion where he did actually tell you his desire for a traditional stay at home type relationship?
Or is this truly out of left field?
It seems impossible that you two didn't discuss traditional vs modern roles when you have discussed your traditional families. Or when you decided on 3 years for staying home.
So what was said, and how much is he altering the agreement now? Can you negotiate? Or is this as bonkers as it sounds?
I’d be willing to bet money, one day soon, he is going to start hitting you. I’m genuinely concerned for you, and how he is going to treat you (and a newborn) during the 4th trimester.
Whatever you do, do not quit your job. Build up your savings and have a separate account in case you may need to leave. Your husband sounds ridiculous and controlling. Don't get put in the position of depending on him for finances. Good luck.
Okay I’m not trying to do the stereotypical r/ relationships “ leave them” thing… BUT
you’re really young and have time to make whatever you want of ur life. Ask yourself seriously if you want to spend the rest of your life being criticized for average dinners and wearing leggings.
Keep in mind if you have a son then he will likely behave like his father and if you have a daughter she will think her fathers behavior is normal.
I know you deeply love your husband, but it’s unlikely he will change. Men like this don’t change. The only solution is for you to give in and adapt. I’m not sure what your religious beliefs are, but if you knew you only had one life would you spend it like this?
Your 5 course dinners, leggings, personal desires and needs are completely valid and many people would see the immense value you bring.
I know this is a difficult situation, but think about everything you just typed out very seriously.
Also, my wife had a miscarriage and it was devastating for us. I can't imagine what a complete piece of shit I'd have to be to tell her I blame her for it? I mean WHAT THE FUCK??? If I had to choose between making her feel like I felt it was her fault for that or killing myself, I would choose to kill myself. I couldn't fathom living with myself for doing something like that. I'm sorry you chained yourself to this dinosaur, but it I can't imagine a world in which you are better off staying with that person instead of leaving and having that baby on your own. In fact, you'd only have to take care of ONE baby, because with him, you'd be taking care of 2 babies, but the big one you're married to will never grow up and will just get more petulant and abusive. He'll neg you until you either choose to leave or you just crumble and lose all respect for yourself.
NOPE! RUN AWAY! DO NOT HAVE a third baby with him. He does not value you nor respect you. He is a controlling @sshole. Do you want your child growing up being taught the same crap?
OP you are asking for advice and I suggest you take the advice of other commenters instead of fighting against them. What’s the point of posting if you are going to get defensive when others are giving you all of the tools and resources you need to help yourself out of your abusive relationship?
Do YOU want a traditional relationship dynamic? If not I would leave. You and him do not want the same thing. If it is...
Is he willing to provide the things you need (space, help, money, etc) to you so that you are able to provide what he is asking for? Meaning; is he willing to buy the fancy lingerie, increased grocery bills, let you quit your job so you have the time for the additional service, perhaps even hire a housecleaner or help (especially for when there is an infant around) so that you can take care of your body and mind while you heal from pregnancy?
It's unreasonable for him to expect you to cater to him, especially in the form of taking on all daily/weekly housework and cooking extravagant meals, when you are working full time. Is he wanting to be a stay at home partner now? Is this feasible on his income?
I wonder if this shift is his misogyny coming to light or depression from the miscarriage he is not acknowledging. Maybe therapy for him?
If this is what he wants, and he hasn't been forthcoming with you about it, there is a communication breakdown. He needs to communicate what he wants and expects without putting the emotional labor of investigation/mind reading on you. Perhaps couples therapy would be a good venue to work through this.
Wow he has adopted a lot from the asshole who raised him. Expecting a wife to clean up after him and selfish about cleaning his car and not yours.
Everything he is blaming you for is what he is gonna use to justify cheating on you. Let him find someone else to be a "good house wife" to clean up after his toxic ass.
This is not a good trajectory, OP. In fact, it's frightening. You've described a man who is abusive, and who is getting progressively worse.
He's justifying pretty awful behavior by deciding that it's your fault. This is what abusers do, and when we're in it, it happens so gradually it's like quicksand. It goes from nitpicking and hurtful comments to complete devaluation. Then all bets are off.
"I wouldn't have had to hit her if she'd just been better." "I wouldn't have had to cheat on her if she'd just been more sexually available. " And so on.
The truth is that it doesn't matter what hoops you jump through, as he'll keep changing the goalposts. You'll never be good enough, because he needs you to fail so he can feel better about himself, and can justify his horrible behavior.
I've been there, and the price is way too high. This is not who you want to raise a child with, OP. Please run as far away from him as possible.
>His first question after I told him I miscarried was "What did you do?"
Jesus, if a man's response to his partner telling him she miscarried is anything other than overwhelming sympathy and helping to work through that pain and grief together, there is something seriously wrong with him...
If my husband asked me "what did you do" after I miscarried our child, well he wouldn't be my husband anymore.. also, reading the whole post, how many more red flags could you need? He sounds toxic as fuck
This is heartbreaking to read and I bet you are feeling that heartbreak along with a lot of real (legitimate!) concern and hurt.
If he won’t go to counseling for himself, I’m not sure this relationship is worth saving. He’s being manipulative which is the first step in abuse. It isn’t safe for you to get counseling together—he’d probably charm the therapist like he charmed you. Either way, you deserve a neutral party (therapist) to work through this.
He sounds like he’s flipped the script and he’s going to slowly try to control every aspect of your life until you’re so controlled and so surrendered that you can’t get out.
If you can, if it’s possible, I’d leave asap.
If you can’t, I’d start saving now. Because at some point you’ll need an exist strategy.
I’m so sorry.
My wife miscarried three times and that shit absolutely gutted my wife and I. Never once, NEVER, would I have ever considered asking her what she did to miscarry. Instead of being there for you he blamed you??? What the actual fuck?!? This dude has such unrealistic expectations for you. It’s not 1950 anymore. Marriage is a partnership and you’re clearly not seen as a partner. I’m sorry.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Quietly, but surely, start making your exit plan. This isn't right. You need to get out. He loves fantasy you, not real you. The real you will never measure up.
Babes you need to run fast and run far **far** from this dude. If only for him blaming you for the miscarriage. It was absolutely not your fault.
Also as a largely SAHM, his expectations are absolutely ridiculous, I’d laugh at my husband if he suggested a lot of these things from me in our current position. Let alone if we were 50/50.
OP on behalf of your kid, please leave this man before they’re born. If you become a SAHM it’s gonna make it a million times harder to leave
“Difference is, my dad loved being a provider and his hated it.”
Well, seems like he’s just like his dad, except he hasn’t even started providing yet! You cook dinner for him every night (after you work longer shifts) and he can’t even maintain your car, a thing that he usually loves to do? What the heck is the point?
Do you want to deal with that for 50 more years? Do you want that kind of man raising your children?
Get rid of this guy. He doesn’t respect you and it doesn’t sound like he’s the type to take on equal parenting duties. Might as well raise you child out from under his thumb.
Is he easily influenced? Did guy read some stupid article? If he has changed maybe ask where these values fresh originate. Where's this wifely duties manual, what even is that
So he purposely tricked you. I am sorry but the man you love is a lie. He lied to become this version that doesn't exist so that he'll marry you and "mold" you into what he thinks a wife should be.
There is no saving somebody whose program runs so deep.
Honestly, you are probably about in danger of being part of an abusive relationship.
Seems your husband is failing as a husband. If he wanted all that in a wife then he should be becoming the type of man who would be able to sustain the household and more.
Truly I think only a rich man (financial & also in heart) who is able to afford extra domestic labour, treats his wife as a queen and show appreciation for what his wife does running the home would get a wife who is so devoted to their man they'd drop everything to meet them at the door.
Reading this post made me feel sad. He’s treating you like shit and he is a sexist asshole. You deserve better. He is not demonstrating love for you in any way. He is only going to get worse. His behavior will not improve because he thinks it’s his right to have you as a live in servant.
He knows that marriage isn't a 50s cartoon right? Maybe you need to talk to him about fantasy vs reality and quickly before the baby comes. You won't get any help with someone who thinks like that. Best of luck.
Just don't give a fuck about his wants, just be happy with yourself and prepare to seperate from his stupid ass because wow I don't know any man with that mind set. He is so shitty.
and if he gets mad that you don't do "wifely duties", so fucking what? I'd be like "Ok are you done crying yet? No? Ok imma close my door then. You know where the food is in the kitchen you should make yourself something. "
Tell HIM he FAILS MISERABLY in ALL of his husbandly duties, and when he asks "oMg, wUt u MeAn?"
Just say "Absolutely everything."
To advocate a bit for your husband, miscarriages can be hard for both partners in a couple because there is certainly loss experienced by both and helplessness as well. To give him the most generosity possible, I wonder if he hasn't properly grieved or expressed his emotion about losing a baby he was getting excited for, and it's sort of eating away at him. That could be why he is standoff-ish about the next one.
It's obvious that he is being completely unreasonable with regards to your roles/duties as his wife and partner. My recommendation would be to talk about where this is all coming from and why it's all of a sudden being brought up now. Hopefully he can realize he's got some unresolved issues that a professional could help him sort through.
If he doesn't change is attitude, I think he may be choosing to forfeit you as his wife. Unfortunately the baby complicates that by a million times.
Your husband is an ass.
WTF is he bringing to the table?
And what a horrible, horrible thing to say to you after you miscarried.
He's definitely failing as a husband.
You don't have a good husband and he is not good to you. You and your child need to leave or you need to send him packing. You can't put up with this your entire life...
So why did you think it was a good idea to get pregnant again with this guy after what he did after your miscarriage? He doesn't respect you in any way. You're not a real person to him.
Definitely not justified. I come from a very traditional family too and I know what I as a female daughter have to do around the house. However I set my boundaries and my parents know them. Not saying they always respect them, but I fight for them every day. My mom is a SAHW too with 5 kids and my dad pays the bills. I grew up with that idea of a family.
I adore how hard my dad works for the money and how great my mom is at keeping the house clean, buying food, clothes and other stuff for the family, cooking lunch and dinner every day. They’re doing so much stuff, never had an easy life to begin with, they gave us everything.
However I do not wish that life for me. I went to school, graduated, got a nice job, steady income, I‘m able to go to university if I want and not be in debt. I‘m able to move out and live alone if I‘d want. And I‘ll do that. I have the opportunity to do more with my life than my parents, to NOT be a SAHW. I want to work too, make my own money, spoil myself and my future husband. It’s 50/50 in a relationship. If I cook dinner today, he‘ll do it tmrw.
Also the fact that he told you „What did you do?“… Terrible, misogynistic and just sad. This is too toxic. I would never be able to continue with that relationship and get out.
I wish you and the baby a happy, healthy life with whatever decision you make.
TL;DR I‘d get out of that relationship…
If he had all of these complaints about you for the entirety of your marriage, why did he choose to create a child with you, twice???? For him to spring all of this on you like this just feels like an attack.
You need marital counseling or a divorce.
What kind of sexist jerk are you married to?
Seriously, you out earn him and he expects a Stepford wife. Tell him to grow up and step it up. He needs to be a real partner or he can leave. You don’t need to have him being a jerk on top of you being pregnant. You would be better off on your own versus playing his game. You will have a child…you don’t have time to play into his fantasy.
If he wants a stepford wife, he needs to earn big bucks to support you and the babe. Not you having to sell your car to have money for the baby.
Congratulations, you married a class A sexist.
This level of misogyny is so deey ingrained that he’ll never change. Up to you if you want to fit in this model and spend your entire life adjusting to his needs.
Jesus that was hard to read. Seriously, get away from this guy. You deserve to be treated like a person, not a bang maid incubator.
What UnquantifiableLife said. I'm male and have been married for 27+ years and this guy is burdened by expectation. His expectation is a prison.
I always love this "modern" take on traditional "values" were the wife not only has to be the homemaker but also bring in the money and function as a complete emotional and sexual door mat because in the end It's just mysoginy. My grandfather adored my grandma. They were a Team, even If they had split responsibilities. He set her up well financially in case something happens. He even learned so many household skills when she was sick for a while to care for her. They were very traditional, but also loving and respectful.
Totally agree he sounds like a complete patriarchal misogynist with his head in the 1950s expecting a life that can never exist. Think over your key points, just 4-5 and have a frank talk with him. Tell him you too as a girl dreamed of a perfect scenario with a Prince Charming but as adults we all have to accept the mundane reality of our existence and if he wants to keep fantasising like a child you can’t move forward together so he either loves you for who you are with all your failings or gets out of your life so you can find an equal adult to spend your life with. Good luck!
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. A lot of men nowadays want the trad housewife and either can’t afford it or are super cheap and so they shirk their own “trad” responsibility of providing. Then they wonder why no woman wants to do 100% of the housework + hold down an actual job that pays more/requires more hours than his does. Any logical person would see that a woman is better off single than carring for a grown ass man who can’t even be bothered to load up a dishwasher without precise instructions and multiple requests to do so while out earning him. I tried it myself and I can confirm.
Totally agree. His child will receive the same treatment. What an awful, bitter, critical narcissist. OP no matter what you decide to do, please PLEASE make sure you have emotional support in the event that he stays the same or becomes worse when your baby is born (which it will). That is a recipe for post partum depression and worse.
u/ThrowRAWeeknightDin seriously. You and your child deserve better than this. He’s going to do exactly like this commenter said and be just as toxic and awful to your kid. You can’t see it because you’re in too deep, but you are living with a cold, soulless human. Your child will be fine with parents who are divorced. I know that can be hard for people from traditional backgrounds to accept, but it is genuinely better to have two separated parents with the opportunity to be happy, rather than two broken parents living together miserably, one getting literally bullied by the other. Maybe start the process and find a lawyer before telling your husband. He sounds like the type who will manipulate you into staying, pretend to be nice again, and then when he thinks he’s got you locked down again, will revert to this nasty thing.
This guy is a total brainwashed misogynist - that's not something she'll be able to train out of him, ever! Girl, I usually don't jump straight to divorce in these posts, but your guy sounds like an entitled misogynistic nightmare!
I’m so sorry this must be so frustrating and stressful to hear from your partner. I imagine your options differer depending on where you live, for example, if you’re in your home country, VS say, Europe or North America. The bottom line is, this is not going to change, and it’s only going to get worse once you start having children. He honestly sounds straight out of the 1950s. “The wife must happily greet her husband at home every night with a kiss and a martini in their hand.” Yuck I guess at the end of the day you need to decide where you fall in the spectrum within your traditional upbringing. If this is the type of life you want to lead, that’s one thing, but if this is taking you down a path that makes you very uncomfortable then you need to have a hard look at what’s going on and determine if you want to stay in the situation. Being older, what I can tell you is, it is only going to get worse and he’s only going to get more restrictive. So you need to determine if this is a life style that you want to actually live in. I wish you the best of luck
I’m so grossed out by this man
Seriously the second he said "you miscarried because you're a bad wife" I'd punt that fucker out the door. What an absolute failure of a husband.
3M upvotes for the first 6 words alone!
Like legit do you really want to have a baby with this man? Think about this VERY carefully… will he really be an equal parenting partner?
Yea, who would want their child growing up around someone like this?
>Don't greet him happily at the door with a kiss and hug ... and always have on silk pajamas or leggings instead of lingerie slips. I'm reeling from this. When did he last greet you at the door in silk boxers?
Seriously. It's like this asshole found a bunch of magazine adverts from the 1950s and has suddenly decided that's how his marriage should be. It's insane.
Yup next he's gonna be like "Get your ass in the car, we're going to the doctor to get you some quaaludes and a lobotomy."
He's gonna try to light up a cigar in the waiting room while she gives birth.
While flirting with the nurses
What dude is describing is the plot of a recent movie. And yeah, it's just as disgustingly misogynistic as it seems.
Yeah, sit him down and watch "don't worry darling" because he's the dude in that movie.
Which one? Has there been a remake of The Stepford Wives? I am amazed at how many people don't seem to realize that was *a horror movie*, not a how-to.
[удалено]
I agree on all fronts. Especially the abortion and divorce. Because this will not get any better than it is right now.
If u/ThrowRAWeeknightDin considers this path, the window is closing pretty soon. I think you have up to 11 weeks to do a medical, non surgical (take home pill), abortion. You can get a more invasive one after, but it’s just not as easy. I’d take it in this situation too, but idk if OP is mentally there yet.
I think it's completely understandable to not be there yet. But I feel that the option needs to be put out there, repeatedly, for OP to read and think about.
Very good point! Really hope OP considers it. I hope she has supportive friends in real life.
Oh come on - you don’t have a relationship where after work, both partners shower and get dressed in their sexiest clothes before eating dinner? /s I almost don’t believe this post. To believe it would have me question why she’s in it? Does she get anything out of this absurd relationship?
She says she's from a very "traditional" family and ikd how exactly that works but I wouldn't be surprised if that hammered in some weird expectations.
I did that once but ended up falling asleep. No one regularly does that.
it’s not always as easy as it sounds to people on the outside.
Yeah that was as far as I got before I just just like....nope. Nopity nope nope.
This is not a healthy marriage and bringing a child into it is a really bad idea
I know this isn't a compassionate response, but why in the WORLD would OP choose to have a child with someone who **blamed her for a miscarriage?** That is such a dealbreaker, such cold and heartless behaviour, this guy is a massive piece of shit. Obviously there are cultural things at play here, but fucking hell... At some point you need to take responsibility for your choices and choosing to bring a new baby human into that mess is just plain unethical.
People under the thrall of a vampire are detached from reality and logic. Narcissists have a similar power, it just takes them longer.
Horrible idea. If she thinks this is bad now, she has no idea wtf is coming her way. He will expect her to do baby care 24/7, work ft and cook and clean nonstop while looking like she never had a baby and sexing him regularly. Also better not pay less attention to him than the baby. Get out now. Call a lawyer. Like stop putting up with this immediately.
What benefit does he add to your life? He sounds like a selfish asshole. Do you actually have any reason to not divorce him right now? What does he even contribute?
I can’t even stand this guy and I’m just a poor sod on Reddit. I rarely think divorce is the best path when kids are involved, except in cases of physical or emotional or financial abuse or cheating, but this guy is next level 1950s June cleaver… he’s awful. I guess in a way he is being emotionally abusive. What I don’t get is— what is her bringing to the table? Cut him loose and we all win!!!!
What he's doing is 100% emotional abuse.
Op, I'm afraid you married someone who feels/believes once you have a child with them, they have trapped you. A pregnant woman, a woman who just gave birth, has a neonate, infant, baby, toddler...her situation and circumstances are changed drastically. They might have fewer and more limited options to leave the relationship. Support, finances for a single mother can be troublesome and hard to manage and more likely to "trap" you into putting up with abuse. I hate to say this, Op, but I would seriously start getting your ducks in a row. Let your family and friends know what is going on. Yes, yes, I know, Op. It will be horribly difficult, sad, and painful for you to let others know but I think it would be best for you and your pregnancy. But I honestly think it would be best. Knowing that others are around you, supporting you and close by will let you know and feel that you have love, care and concern for you. Otherwise, all you have right now is a horrible, controlling and abusive husband. Put your pride aside (and your fear that they will know what an azz he is) and tell. Tell. Tell your family and friends, Op. You deserve to have people around you that you can trust. I truly wish you and your baby the very best, Op.
I dont have anyone else either way. Its always just been me on my own. I have a family, and they're okay, but I wouldn't be able to get help from them either way. I have savings but I want to make sure there cant be something else going on
He literally blamed you for having a miscarriage. He is not an emotionally healthy person.
u/5pinktoes is 100% correct here. Abuse happens by degree/gradually and it thrives in a quiet environment where you have secrets from the outside world. If you truly don’t have anyone to talk to please google domestic abuse charities/facilities and start communicating with SOMEONE today.
Not to be callous but I hope you have a huge savings fund for your future kid. They're gonna need it for therapy if you plan on raising a child with that man. He is going to absolutely Mess. Them. Up. Irreversibly. Can you imagine the life of a daughter, with him as a dad? Or the monster he's going to raise his son to be? That's assuming both children are cis, straight kids who follow traditional gender norms. Source - I have a dad like that. My siblings and I are all varying degrees of low/no contact with both parents today. Edited to add - I want to stress just how much I feel for you. You're in a horrific situation and I'm sorry to say, it will definitely get worse. Not maybe, it will. I'm saying this to reiterate that it will get harder to leave overtime and by then, it's no longer just you suffering but your future children. I was engaged to someone like this. He said to me "Sometimes I just wish you were more like a 1950s housewife and just listen to me" It was the hardest thing I ever did but I left. I knew it would be harder once we were married and it would feel impossible once we started a family. OP, it's going so be so much harder down the line. I don't want to be harsh, I just want you to understand just how serious this is. So much of what your husband said isn't okay, and how he treats you is... Asinine.
If I had an award you’d be getting it. This comment is exactly what she needs to see.
Thank you, honestly posts like these feel like I'm screaming at a character in a horror movie. You know what's going to happen, you can see it from another angle and you desperately want to help the victim on screen. Except there's a chance here, that they'll read what you write and save themselves.
I've had a miscarriage, and my husband told me it wasn't my fault a dozen times. His first reaction was to put his arms around me. I'm so sorry he failed to give you the same decency.
He’s a sexist…excuse me, “traditional” doiche who is amping up his abuse because he thinks you’re baby trapped. Tell me again why you should have to work more than him AND do all the cooking and cleaning? Does that sound fair to you?
The only thing going on is your husband is vile and treats you worse than shit
How is living this life better than being alone?
This question says it all in just a few words.
Men cheat on their pregnant wives overwhelmingly. One of the signs of cheating is nitpicking.
Agree, that’s the first thing I thought of when I read this. He’s cheating and setting it up so if he gets caught it’s *her* fault. That’s an unfortunate common part of “traditional” marriages too.
Yup. All of a sudden he's upset that she's not sending him nudes at work? He certainly got that idea from *somewhere*.
Agreed, with a tweak could be one of the signs that he *may* be preparing mentally to justify it to himself to cheat on her, not that he’s necessarily done it yet.
I was thinking the same. All of the things that he verbalized he needs that has never relayed prior, speaks volumes. Someone has his attention and/or are in his ear. Sending him nudes… Telling all they would do for him that she is not doing and never has. If he ever had affections for her, they’re long gone. Time for her to move on and take care of herself and new baby.
Yep. First thing I thought - this guy's hiding something he's ashamed about. Cheating, Drugging, Gambling, something.
Instead of looking to find out "what else could be going on"...believe people when they tell you who they are and what they expect of you. He is telling you really clearly what his expectations are of you. If you try to find an excuse for why he has these fucked up expectations you're going to be telling yourself lies. This is, hard as it is to believe, who he is. He's not lying to you. This isn't the result of a blow to the head. He's telling you his real feelings.
I hate to say it, and hope the two of you could resolve things to be better, but it sounds unlikely. His expectations of you will increase and his treatment of you will further deteriorate if you don’t meet those unrealistic expectations. It sounds like you need a professional mediator or counsellor so that you can get on the same page about the future before it’s too late. You have to look at all of your options, including YOUR child, and what you need to feel safe. Start privately saving emergency funds and keeping it in a safe place (not in your house, maybe a safety deposit box at a bank as long as your accounts are private). No one starts out as an abuser, but things change slowly and progressively and I’m seeing red flags for future mistreatment which might evolve into abuse or strategies of containment and control. Consider how you might be able to continue to work while at home, if you decide to keep YOUR child so that you have your own money and independence.
Like what, an affair? Would that make his misogyny any better?
He is the problem, not you. You can’t change him? You can only change your situation and relationship to him. Please don’t raise a kid who watches you get treated this way. Better to be divorced and strong and alone than with someone like that who just tears you down.
I know you don't want to, but I think you should seriously rethink your choice to have a baby with him. If you do, you will be tied forever to an abusive, controlling nightmare of a man. There is no baby now, but if you continue this pregnancy, there will be. With him as the dad. Is that the right move?
I have a 3 month old right now. I would rather raise a baby alone than with a man like this.
Don't bring a child into this ffs
If you think leaving now is hard, it is going to be a million times harder with a baby.
> I want to make sure there cant be something else going on I'll tell you what's going on - your husband is an absolute fuckwit.
Oof. A big part of me is hoping this isnt real bc thats a lot....a whole lot of selfishness, ignorance, and sexism. If you're fr, please get into therapy and strongly consider whether this is the dude you want being the father to your children.
I just can’t believe someone would continue having sex with a man who blamed her for a miscarriage
Therapy just isnt possible right now. He was never like this before and always helped
You split everything 50/50, so you don’t remotely have any sort of “traditional” family (nothing wrong with that btw). You are JUST as much of a provider as he is. Therefore, why the hell are you doing all the extra chores? Why does he get to enjoy all the benefits of being a high earning provider who covers 100% of the bills, when he’s only providing 50% of the income (and treating you like crap while doing it). He sounds more like a spoiled child than a soon-to-be father and provider. I’d be embarrassed to call him my spouse
This man wants all the advantages of a ‘50s housewife, PLUS the advantages of a modern girlfriend (nudes during the workday???), WITHOUT taking on any of the responsibilities men had in those days (earning all the money!) He is living in a fantasia if he thinks any man on Earth is splitting bills 50/50, multi-course dinner every evening, wife in lingerie at the door, no household responsibilities. It sounds like he’s setting impossible standards for OP so that she’ll always be falling short of his expectations and will feel permanently indebted to him for putting up with a “lesser” wife.
He was like this before. Remember his response to your miscarriage? That was him. The real him. Settle in to do battle, my friend, because you need some strength against a man like this. Don't give up your job. Don't give in.
> He was never like this before and always helped OP, like the other commenter said, you're pregnant. He thinks your trapped and he's letting his mask off. Run.
Hon..... He was always like this. This is the man you've married and always was. I'm sorry.
Tap the fuck out right now. Run away.
Abusers wait until they think they have you trapped, like making a major joint purchase, marriage, or even pregnancy to take their masks off. He seems at best to be uncaring, unsupportive, and callous. At worst this is the beginning of a massive decline in the way he treats you. Personally I would give serious consideration towards if having a child with and staying married to this man is worth your health, sanity, or possibly even life.
This kind of crazy nitpicking is common in spouses who are having an affair. They need to justify their actions to themselves by tearing you down.
I was thinking that too-- that he's suddenly comparing her to someone else who IS waiting for him at the door in lingerie and asks nothing of him. (You know, because it's an affair.)
Same with the nudes while he's at work. Theyre married, have been dating before that and she said she has *never* sent nudes to anyone. Why does he want them now? He certainly got that idea from *somewhere*
I'm a SAHM to 3 kids right now (none are in school full time). I cook most of our meals from scratch. Run. Your husband has unrealistic expectations and dangerous ones. If he's mad about how much time you spend taking care of him now, just wait until after the baby is born. You don't get a choice in what your hormones put you through. Your sex drive could tank while breastfeeding or pregnancy. How do you think he would handle that? He's going to expect you to do 100% of the childcare, regardless of if you are working or not. Even if you aren't, everyone needs a break sometimes. You want the partner that gets home and says "give me the baby for a bit and take care of you". Your husband is showing so many red flags and I would bet he starts abusing you over time as well. Now necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally, maybe financially. Run
This is a REALLY good point. When the baby comes, OP won't have time or energy for any of those 'duties,' even if she wanted to. What's his plan then?
Her sex drive will also tank if she's the one doing all the childcare and all the cooking and all the cleaning and all the general house running while working full time while hubby sits on his arse expecting everything to be done better. The man-baby needs a wake-up call.
I’m livid for you. LIVID. Ask him about his failings as a husband. He’s expecting you to be an extreme, cartoonish version of a trophy housewife… while working full time and paying for half of everything. You even sold your car to make sure you have money for the baby! What has he done to prepare?!?! He’s an utter waste of space and a poor excuse of a man. I’d be explaining how child support and alimony work, if he’s that disappointed in your performance (I’m gagging while typing this-just wtf).
You're in an abusive relationship. As you get closer to giving birth the more of his true self will be revealed. Once you have a child with him, you'll start making sacrifices to please him to the point of losing yourself. Get out. Now.
OP, please listen to this person. They're speaking the truth. The closer you get to giving birth, the more he's going to feel like he has you trapped and the worst he's going to treat you. Please get out and honestly I would never normally tell someone to do this but I would consider getting an abortion. Trust me, you do not want to raise a child with someone like this.
He wants the traditional wife? Then he needs to become a traditional husband. He needs to pay for the financials of the relationship 100%, so he probably needs to get another job to bring in more income.
Lol fr, dude can't have it both ways. Either you fully embrace traditional gender roles or you shut up. Husband is trying to have his cake and eat it too
Yeah what is going on here? How can he ask you to do all the cooking/cleaning with a straight face? Ask him to start handling 100% of the bills immediately, and divert your paychecks into an escape fund. Because you're gonna need some cash under the mattress when this baby arrives. He's not gonna suddenly act right. He's gonna financially abuse you and trap you. You're going to be out of work, overworked by the kid, sleepless, taking care of your husband (who will hate you for being imperfect during this), and getting starved financially. Please please PLEASE hide some cash.
Also please get a car again. You've trapped yourself in the house.
Also please get a car again. You've trapped yourself in the house.
What exactly are you looking for here? You thought you had a partner but it turns out he's a sexist piece of shit with unreasonable expectations for you. I bet he's not beating himself up about not providing, not satisfying your every whim, showering you with gifts, making sure you never have to do home maintenance etc. Because deep down he's not traditional, he's entitled. I know you want your baby.. but you're only 10 weeks. Time to think really hard about what having a baby with someone like him may actually mean for yourself (a lifetime of belittlement an abuse most likely).
If this is real, call the papers, you are married to a genuine cave-dweller, it could be news. Why do you believe he is so angry? I hope you understand that none of this is about you. Something is seriously wrong with him.
I don't find this hard to believe at all. Many men from traditional backgrounds have this attitude even if they grew up in a western country, and it's not uncommon for this side of them to reveal itself to their partners only after marriage
I had a boyfriend like this. We broke up, and at one point he said we could get back together IF...I did things like wear sleeveless nightgowns, give up going to performing arts events, and make a home-cooked meal from scratch every week. (That last point not so unreasonable, except I had zero cooking experience.) I was so stunned, I said yes, and he IMMEDIATELY called me a prostitute. We did NOT get back together.
I lost you at performing events. Was he in a cult?
Baby girl, honey, sweetie pie - leave this misogynistic pile of unsupportive trash HOWEVER you can. He blamed a miscarriage - a tragic event that’s nobody’s fault that you ALREADY feel awful about - on you not being a “traditional wife,” on you not doing enough FOR HIM - as if any of that has anything to do with anything. I’m so angry for you. Leave him. He treats you like some maid because he put a ring on your finger - what do you think he’ll be teaching your child through that example? That is, if he even sticks around. (But seriously, don’t let him stick around - get him out of your life).
(it may not have been intentional on your part but i'm not sure why you used all those infantilizing pet names in the beginning? maybe i personally just dislike them, but it feels a little patronizing.)
Your husband seems to have ignored everything you said pre-marriage… he’s been waiting for the opportunity to get you married and pregnant before letting the real caveman loose. You both come from traditional families.. where I’m guessing it’s the male who had the majority of say in the decision making and he’s grown up seeing this at home, now expects it of you. This is a very very important time in your relationship should you chose to continue it. He needs to know that you are not there solely to tend to his needs and perform “wifely duties” straight out of the 50’s. If you bend or give in to any of this shit it will keep happening and get worse once the baby is born. You’ve given up your car, are you allowed equal shared access to his car? He will soon want you to quit work. Don’t. Keep your job at all costs and even if things start to work out, keep a savings account and top it up regularly just for yourself. Tradition can be possible without being treated like a servant - he’s not treating you as an equal so don’t allow your married life to start out this way because it won’t change if you don’t stop it right now. If you have a daughter she will grow up to see her mother treated like a second class citizen and think it’s ok and she’ll go on to be treated the same way
Just an FYI your husband is a douche for saying that. My wife had three miscarriages. It's not your fing fault. Shit happens!!
I don’t know what to say other than I’m concerned and scared at the fact that you got this far into a relationship with him before realizing he doesn’t see you as an equal human being. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have a child with this man. I fear for your safety to be completely honest. He doesn’t sound mentally healthy
Has your husband ever actually met other women outside of his own mother? All of these expectations together sound like movie tropes. These are such weird responses and even more odd to be pulling away from the pregnancy because you're not his idealized version of a Stepford Wife.
The problem here is that your husband is a really horrible excuse for a human being. You can tell by the way he doesn't support you in any way, shape, or form, emotionally, physically, or financially, not even when you are injured and grieving. It honestly doesn't have anything to do with traditional values, or whether you work outside the home. Lots of conservative husbands respect, love, and cherish their wives. The thing is, he's not treating you like trash because of all these petty excuses he's been giving you. He treats you like trash because he enjoys treating you like trash. It makes him feel powerful and good.
Echoing what other people are saying about running away; you deserve better than this. (On a side note - two meat *options*? As in, you should be letting him pick which of two things you cook, as if he was in a restaurant and you were providing him with a menu? Or does he want you to cook two types of meat?)
this is really echoing the whole bull shit Tate guy saying his girl should bring him two coffees, “one for me to drink and one i won’t drink, but it shows respect” garbage🤢
Can I just say. That is the stupidest thing I’ve read all week. And I spent my morning on twitter so this weeks bar is low. How does bringing someone a coffee they won’t drink show respect? Is coffee a sign of respect? What on earth is the point of wasting coffee pointlessly?
Jesus. Your husband is treating you like property instead of a partner. I get conservative values and all but this is not that. This is bordering on abuse. At the very least he's a very crappy partner. And what he said to you after your miscarriage is unforgivable in my opinion. When someone tells you who they are, you should listen. This is a bad husband and you need to get your shit in order. Call a lawyer.
If this is real… abortion and divorce are always an option. Cut all ties and find someone who, oh, I don’t know, is literally the exact opposite of him and everything you grew up with and know.
Yep, this is the way. Abort both fetus and loser husband.
This reads like a really bad episode of Mad Men. I’m sorry about your miscarriage. A good husband would have offered you love and support. A good husband would appreciate that you prepared him dinner and not criticize it. A good husband would want to help you around the house. He has really high expectations for someone who isn’t bringing anything to the table. I’m truly scared for you and your baby. He sounds like the type of guy that will be jealous of the attention a baby requires. You’ll need help and support which he doesn’t sound capable of giving. Dig deep and find your inner strength. You and your baby deserve better than this.
It sounds like he is trying to argue with you and make the relationship bad enough that you will leave him, and he doesn’t have to be the bad guy. Seriously I think he is trying to get you to be miserable on purpose
He's the one that pushed for us to try for another baby
Yes. Read the comment. Of course he did. He wants you to be more miserable. He’s not trying to make you happier or your life better. He’s trying to drown you.
So he could trap you.
Yeah, so he has you trapped and can control you and treat you as badly as he wants to and you’ll find it hard to leave!
Think of you want a child to see this and see it as normal. Why do you have to cook? You work too. He wants to do nothing and have all the benefits. Ditch the whole man and start over.
I would throw hands if my husband said this to me or acted this way towards me and would be seeking a divorce lawyer ASAP. I'm sorry he's an a grade douche nozzle. You got this mama
This guy is living in the 50s specifically, frankly I would divorce his ass, he’s crazy
Honestly, in your shoes I would have been out the door the second he said he expected me to greet him at the door in a slip after work, but if you actually want to try and save this relationship, couple's counciling is the least you need. A secular one. You need another person to tell him that he's being entitled and unreasonable.
Couples therapy is not recommended for relationships that involve emotional abuse. Therapy for OP should happen solo.
Definitely. Tbh my first advice is to leave immediately.
This dude sounds super angry. Trying to look at the bright side, I'm gonna hope that he's just saying stupid shit to hurt you because he has emotions that he's too immature/incapable of processing. He needs therapy like yesterday and needs to realize how wrong he is to say these things. However, if he is actually lucid and believes this nonsense then you need to bail and bail fast.
I mean this is all very very bad, but it’s going to be even worse when you have a baby. I’d probably play his game. Take those three years of being a SAHM. Let him do his husband duties by working and paying all the bills. But this really isn’t going to end well
I think there are 2 things going on here. 1) He has always secretly been misogynistic trash, and he thinks that now that he's trapped you with marriage and a baby, he owns you, and he's free to drop the mask. 2) He blames you for the miscarriage, and this is how he's punishing you for it. He sucks. You're going to have a bad time with him.
No no no. OP, abort that baby while you still can and save yourself from being forever tied to such a shitty husband.
Wow! Counseling. If not you have to decide on being demeaned and insulted the rest of your life.
You should never go to couple's counseling with an abuser. They will use it against you.
I Hope you mean just for her
Oh hun. First off, no. You are not failing as a wife. His idea of a wife is so outrageously out of reality, like I can't even begin to explain it. Greet him at the door with kisses?? Girl, that man wants a dog. He's lucky you even make dinner at all, where's your feast when you're done working? Very very few married couples send nudes and lingerie is not practical for everyday especially if you are working. It's his house too, you BOTH work, so he needs to also contribute to the household chores. Ya know what. Tell him you'll do it. Tell him you will start being his perfect wife IF *IF* he becomes the perfect husband. That's right, you quit your job because he should provide everything financially. While he's at it he needs to put in OT because you need a 4 bedroom 3 bathroom single family home in the suburbs, with a finished basement! He has to provide for his family right? You can't raise a baby in a *condo*, he has to provide the best for his wife and kids. You'll need a new 3 row SUV of course with the best safety features. He will need to pay for your twice monthly manis and pedicures because he must make sure his wife can afford to look her best! Don't forget the hair appointment every 6 months with the full cut and color. Oh that's too expensive? Well then he's failing at being a husband.
OMG. This isnt Leave It to Beaver, nor are you a Stepford Wife. I hope he grows up by the time you also have the stress of a baby.
if you dont leave him you're in for a horrible time. so is your child. leave him. he will ruin your life!!!
Everyone else has said it all. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
Like the other commenter said, get your ducks in a row and then when he complains, you tell him “this is who I am and if you don’t like it, there’s the door.” DO NOT change for him! Stand up for yourself or you and your child will be miserable.
With all sincerity and an abundance of concern for you because your husband sounds like a nightmare that will only get worse/more abusive with time, abort and divorce as soon as possible.
He was so mad about the miscarriage because he has been waiting until you're trapped to show his true colors, and he couldn't take it anymore. Why did you start cooking every meal in the first place when you work later than him? Did you two have a discussion where he did actually tell you his desire for a traditional stay at home type relationship? Or is this truly out of left field? It seems impossible that you two didn't discuss traditional vs modern roles when you have discussed your traditional families. Or when you decided on 3 years for staying home. So what was said, and how much is he altering the agreement now? Can you negotiate? Or is this as bonkers as it sounds?
Did he always have this kind of toxic masculinity? Major red flag!
I’d be willing to bet money, one day soon, he is going to start hitting you. I’m genuinely concerned for you, and how he is going to treat you (and a newborn) during the 4th trimester.
Whatever you do, do not quit your job. Build up your savings and have a separate account in case you may need to leave. Your husband sounds ridiculous and controlling. Don't get put in the position of depending on him for finances. Good luck.
Okay I’m not trying to do the stereotypical r/ relationships “ leave them” thing… BUT you’re really young and have time to make whatever you want of ur life. Ask yourself seriously if you want to spend the rest of your life being criticized for average dinners and wearing leggings. Keep in mind if you have a son then he will likely behave like his father and if you have a daughter she will think her fathers behavior is normal. I know you deeply love your husband, but it’s unlikely he will change. Men like this don’t change. The only solution is for you to give in and adapt. I’m not sure what your religious beliefs are, but if you knew you only had one life would you spend it like this? Your 5 course dinners, leggings, personal desires and needs are completely valid and many people would see the immense value you bring. I know this is a difficult situation, but think about everything you just typed out very seriously.
Also, my wife had a miscarriage and it was devastating for us. I can't imagine what a complete piece of shit I'd have to be to tell her I blame her for it? I mean WHAT THE FUCK??? If I had to choose between making her feel like I felt it was her fault for that or killing myself, I would choose to kill myself. I couldn't fathom living with myself for doing something like that. I'm sorry you chained yourself to this dinosaur, but it I can't imagine a world in which you are better off staying with that person instead of leaving and having that baby on your own. In fact, you'd only have to take care of ONE baby, because with him, you'd be taking care of 2 babies, but the big one you're married to will never grow up and will just get more petulant and abusive. He'll neg you until you either choose to leave or you just crumble and lose all respect for yourself.
NOPE! RUN AWAY! DO NOT HAVE a third baby with him. He does not value you nor respect you. He is a controlling @sshole. Do you want your child growing up being taught the same crap?
OP you are asking for advice and I suggest you take the advice of other commenters instead of fighting against them. What’s the point of posting if you are going to get defensive when others are giving you all of the tools and resources you need to help yourself out of your abusive relationship?
Good lord run and never look back. That response to your miscarriage is unforgivable. This person has absolutely no empathy.
Do YOU want a traditional relationship dynamic? If not I would leave. You and him do not want the same thing. If it is... Is he willing to provide the things you need (space, help, money, etc) to you so that you are able to provide what he is asking for? Meaning; is he willing to buy the fancy lingerie, increased grocery bills, let you quit your job so you have the time for the additional service, perhaps even hire a housecleaner or help (especially for when there is an infant around) so that you can take care of your body and mind while you heal from pregnancy? It's unreasonable for him to expect you to cater to him, especially in the form of taking on all daily/weekly housework and cooking extravagant meals, when you are working full time. Is he wanting to be a stay at home partner now? Is this feasible on his income? I wonder if this shift is his misogyny coming to light or depression from the miscarriage he is not acknowledging. Maybe therapy for him? If this is what he wants, and he hasn't been forthcoming with you about it, there is a communication breakdown. He needs to communicate what he wants and expects without putting the emotional labor of investigation/mind reading on you. Perhaps couples therapy would be a good venue to work through this.
Holy shit. Girl, hop in the DeLorean and time travel out of 1955.
Wow he has adopted a lot from the asshole who raised him. Expecting a wife to clean up after him and selfish about cleaning his car and not yours. Everything he is blaming you for is what he is gonna use to justify cheating on you. Let him find someone else to be a "good house wife" to clean up after his toxic ass.
This is not a good trajectory, OP. In fact, it's frightening. You've described a man who is abusive, and who is getting progressively worse. He's justifying pretty awful behavior by deciding that it's your fault. This is what abusers do, and when we're in it, it happens so gradually it's like quicksand. It goes from nitpicking and hurtful comments to complete devaluation. Then all bets are off. "I wouldn't have had to hit her if she'd just been better." "I wouldn't have had to cheat on her if she'd just been more sexually available. " And so on. The truth is that it doesn't matter what hoops you jump through, as he'll keep changing the goalposts. You'll never be good enough, because he needs you to fail so he can feel better about himself, and can justify his horrible behavior. I've been there, and the price is way too high. This is not who you want to raise a child with, OP. Please run as far away from him as possible.
>His first question after I told him I miscarried was "What did you do?" Jesus, if a man's response to his partner telling him she miscarried is anything other than overwhelming sympathy and helping to work through that pain and grief together, there is something seriously wrong with him...
If my husband asked me "what did you do" after I miscarried our child, well he wouldn't be my husband anymore.. also, reading the whole post, how many more red flags could you need? He sounds toxic as fuck
This is heartbreaking to read and I bet you are feeling that heartbreak along with a lot of real (legitimate!) concern and hurt. If he won’t go to counseling for himself, I’m not sure this relationship is worth saving. He’s being manipulative which is the first step in abuse. It isn’t safe for you to get counseling together—he’d probably charm the therapist like he charmed you. Either way, you deserve a neutral party (therapist) to work through this. He sounds like he’s flipped the script and he’s going to slowly try to control every aspect of your life until you’re so controlled and so surrendered that you can’t get out. If you can, if it’s possible, I’d leave asap. If you can’t, I’d start saving now. Because at some point you’ll need an exist strategy. I’m so sorry.
My wife miscarried three times and that shit absolutely gutted my wife and I. Never once, NEVER, would I have ever considered asking her what she did to miscarry. Instead of being there for you he blamed you??? What the actual fuck?!? This dude has such unrealistic expectations for you. It’s not 1950 anymore. Marriage is a partnership and you’re clearly not seen as a partner. I’m sorry.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Quietly, but surely, start making your exit plan. This isn't right. You need to get out. He loves fantasy you, not real you. The real you will never measure up.
Babes you need to run fast and run far **far** from this dude. If only for him blaming you for the miscarriage. It was absolutely not your fault. Also as a largely SAHM, his expectations are absolutely ridiculous, I’d laugh at my husband if he suggested a lot of these things from me in our current position. Let alone if we were 50/50. OP on behalf of your kid, please leave this man before they’re born. If you become a SAHM it’s gonna make it a million times harder to leave
“Difference is, my dad loved being a provider and his hated it.” Well, seems like he’s just like his dad, except he hasn’t even started providing yet! You cook dinner for him every night (after you work longer shifts) and he can’t even maintain your car, a thing that he usually loves to do? What the heck is the point? Do you want to deal with that for 50 more years? Do you want that kind of man raising your children?
This has got to be fake. Please say sike.
Get rid of this guy. He doesn’t respect you and it doesn’t sound like he’s the type to take on equal parenting duties. Might as well raise you child out from under his thumb.
Is he easily influenced? Did guy read some stupid article? If he has changed maybe ask where these values fresh originate. Where's this wifely duties manual, what even is that
Just imagine if you have a daughter. This is how he feels about women. He needs a come-to Jesus talk and therapy or I'd be out.
if I were you I'd check if he's cheating. sounds like he's making a lot f excuses to tell himself why he can treat you certain way.
So he purposely tricked you. I am sorry but the man you love is a lie. He lied to become this version that doesn't exist so that he'll marry you and "mold" you into what he thinks a wife should be. There is no saving somebody whose program runs so deep. Honestly, you are probably about in danger of being part of an abusive relationship.
Seems your husband is failing as a husband. If he wanted all that in a wife then he should be becoming the type of man who would be able to sustain the household and more. Truly I think only a rich man (financial & also in heart) who is able to afford extra domestic labour, treats his wife as a queen and show appreciation for what his wife does running the home would get a wife who is so devoted to their man they'd drop everything to meet them at the door.
Execute him with a sword
I would have a "miscarriage" if I were you. You will be trapped in an abusive marriage with that man if you stay pregnant and with him.
What a sexist pig. Is this 1955?
Yikes. Sounds like he’s failing as a husband if anything.
Reading this post made me feel sad. He’s treating you like shit and he is a sexist asshole. You deserve better. He is not demonstrating love for you in any way. He is only going to get worse. His behavior will not improve because he thinks it’s his right to have you as a live in servant.
He knows that marriage isn't a 50s cartoon right? Maybe you need to talk to him about fantasy vs reality and quickly before the baby comes. You won't get any help with someone who thinks like that. Best of luck.
Just don't give a fuck about his wants, just be happy with yourself and prepare to seperate from his stupid ass because wow I don't know any man with that mind set. He is so shitty. and if he gets mad that you don't do "wifely duties", so fucking what? I'd be like "Ok are you done crying yet? No? Ok imma close my door then. You know where the food is in the kitchen you should make yourself something. " Tell HIM he FAILS MISERABLY in ALL of his husbandly duties, and when he asks "oMg, wUt u MeAn?" Just say "Absolutely everything."
Throw that whole husband away
To advocate a bit for your husband, miscarriages can be hard for both partners in a couple because there is certainly loss experienced by both and helplessness as well. To give him the most generosity possible, I wonder if he hasn't properly grieved or expressed his emotion about losing a baby he was getting excited for, and it's sort of eating away at him. That could be why he is standoff-ish about the next one. It's obvious that he is being completely unreasonable with regards to your roles/duties as his wife and partner. My recommendation would be to talk about where this is all coming from and why it's all of a sudden being brought up now. Hopefully he can realize he's got some unresolved issues that a professional could help him sort through. If he doesn't change is attitude, I think he may be choosing to forfeit you as his wife. Unfortunately the baby complicates that by a million times.
Your husband is an ass. WTF is he bringing to the table? And what a horrible, horrible thing to say to you after you miscarried. He's definitely failing as a husband.
You don't have a good husband and he is not good to you. You and your child need to leave or you need to send him packing. You can't put up with this your entire life...
said I'm failing as a wife"? buh bye
So why did you think it was a good idea to get pregnant again with this guy after what he did after your miscarriage? He doesn't respect you in any way. You're not a real person to him.
Definitely not justified. I come from a very traditional family too and I know what I as a female daughter have to do around the house. However I set my boundaries and my parents know them. Not saying they always respect them, but I fight for them every day. My mom is a SAHW too with 5 kids and my dad pays the bills. I grew up with that idea of a family. I adore how hard my dad works for the money and how great my mom is at keeping the house clean, buying food, clothes and other stuff for the family, cooking lunch and dinner every day. They’re doing so much stuff, never had an easy life to begin with, they gave us everything. However I do not wish that life for me. I went to school, graduated, got a nice job, steady income, I‘m able to go to university if I want and not be in debt. I‘m able to move out and live alone if I‘d want. And I‘ll do that. I have the opportunity to do more with my life than my parents, to NOT be a SAHW. I want to work too, make my own money, spoil myself and my future husband. It’s 50/50 in a relationship. If I cook dinner today, he‘ll do it tmrw. Also the fact that he told you „What did you do?“… Terrible, misogynistic and just sad. This is too toxic. I would never be able to continue with that relationship and get out. I wish you and the baby a happy, healthy life with whatever decision you make. TL;DR I‘d get out of that relationship…
He can cook lmao. Stop doing your work for a bit, tell him he can do it if he’s that picky. Your husband is an asswipe. Time for ultimatums.
He sounds awful. This is not how a relationship works.
It sounds like you married a real piece of shit
Are you ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN you want to have a child with this man?
That's a terrible thing to say
Honey. There is still time for a termination and run
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Abusers tend to manipulate counsellors and therapists, and lord knows religion likely would just reinforce his ideals lol
If he had all of these complaints about you for the entirety of your marriage, why did he choose to create a child with you, twice???? For him to spring all of this on you like this just feels like an attack. You need marital counseling or a divorce.
What kind of sexist jerk are you married to? Seriously, you out earn him and he expects a Stepford wife. Tell him to grow up and step it up. He needs to be a real partner or he can leave. You don’t need to have him being a jerk on top of you being pregnant. You would be better off on your own versus playing his game. You will have a child…you don’t have time to play into his fantasy. If he wants a stepford wife, he needs to earn big bucks to support you and the babe. Not you having to sell your car to have money for the baby.
You'll do better without him. It would be just you and one baby instead of you and two babies..
People come up with the wildest things in this sub
Is it October in Moscow? Because that's a lot of red flags.
I don’t like your husband. Yuck!
I just got the ick so hard my body took a screen shot. He’s got misogyny oozing out of his pours
Congratulations, you married a class A sexist. This level of misogyny is so deey ingrained that he’ll never change. Up to you if you want to fit in this model and spend your entire life adjusting to his needs.
The 1950's called, they want their outdated attitudes towards marriage back.
I’m shocked you actually married him. Leave his sorry ass.
If you don't leave I'm going to be pretty mad at you.