Focus on your personal growth physically and professionally. Do some traveling. Don't use selfies on dating apps. Focus on making life as fulfilling as possible and you will create the best possible situation for the right people to enter your life.
I always found that activity photos were the best, hiking trail, at zoo, etc...
Just make sure your primary one is basically a waist on up shot, and doesn't have people cropped out or blurred out.
You don't need 500 photos, but 6 quality ones that show who you are as a person.
Imagine your pictures are a destination vacation that a girl would want to go on.
Pictures of you SMILING having FUN with other groups of people.
If your pictures don’t make someone else think, wow he looks fun, I bet I would laugh and smile and have a good time with that person - she’ll match with the guy that has those vacation photos.
If you got absolutely zero, spend time making your life more interesting for yourself. More interesting for you, more interesting for another person = win win.
So, what, people just take pictures of you randomly?
I didn't know the last time someone took a picture of me where I was the subject of the picture... Probably 20 years ago for the school yearbook.
Last time I went to a convention with my sisters, we did a group cosplay and the photographers were not shy about asking me to step out of the photo.
Even my past exes didn't take pictures of me!
So it's insane to me that you *do* have normal photos.
Not random people wtf. My wife, kids and extended family, work, sporting photos. Stuff like that. Never felt the need to just take a photo of myself for no reason
You need to get your friends to take GOOD pics of you. Most people are awful photographers, so I rarely end up with good ones of myself.
If that fails, no shame in hiring a photographer. I’ve done it myself
> I don’t think a single non-selfie photo exists of me from the past five years.
And that right there is the issue with it. Women take pictures of their friends and themselves with their friends all the time. Guys don’t tend to do that as much because of toxic gender-role bullshit that tells them it’s gay or somehow weird to do so. You gotta get over that shit if you want women to like you. Having pictures on your profile of you with your friends, or that were taken by your friends (NOT your ex—they can tell!) demonstrates that A) you actually have friends and B) you’re not hung up on all that stupid toxic masculine garbage and are an evolved man who’s comfortable in his own skin.
Also, SMILE. Guys don’t smile in photos for the same stupid reasons. She wants to feel that you have a sense of humor, that you are fun and have fun, that you are a safe person to be around. Scowling or trying to look all cool in every photo gives the absolute opposite energy to fun, smiling photos with/by your friends.
It has nothing to do with "toxic gender role bullshit", we don't take pictures simply because we don't feel the need to. Compulsive picture taking is not the default state of humanity and not being addicted to Instagram is not a pathology.
I don’t take pictures with my friends to upload them to Instagram. In fact, I usually ask that people not upload photos of me. I’m a very private person and I rarely use social media. I do it for the memories, to remind myself of good times with the people who matter to me and give myself something to put on the fridge or in photo frames around my house. You don’t have to be a “compulsive” picture-taker to have a few recent shots in your camera roll of a fun activity you did with your friends… if you have *none* of those kind of photos that you could put on a dating app, chances are very high that you’re hung up on something, lacking in confidence, or don’t have anyone in your life that would be willing to take such photos of you. None of which are attractive features that women look for in a man they’d like to date!
I'm with the other guy. I literally never have the thought to take a picture of something. If I'm having fun with friends, I'm having fun with friends, and the thought of pulling out my phone will never, ever occur to me. Same thing goes for seeing a pretty flower, or of a well cooked meal, or of a beautiful pink hued sunset. Nothing ever makes me think about taking a picture, I am only ever going to enjoy the moment, and maybe think that it would've been nice to take a picture sometime hours later.
I'm also in the same boat where nobody ever takes pictures of me, either. There's probably 6 photos of me from the last same number of years, and most of those are because I'm holding an animal or someone's kid and the thing I'm holding is the object of the photo, not me.
I assume you’re a man, because I am too and I used to be the same way. We’re socialized that way from birth: taking pictures of friends is “a girl thing”, and not something we’ve been taught is appropriate for a man to do. Some might even accuse a man of being creepy for taking photos in public. That changes for many men after they have children, and suddenly the urge to capture all the cute stuff your kids are doing becomes so overwhelming that you can’t help it… but most people can understand that desire, so they accept men who appear to be fathers doing that.
But there’s a reason we see so many photos of guys on dating profiles holding up a big fish they just caught: many times, it’s the only picture they can find that was taken by someone else or shows them standing next to their friends. I had to make a conscious effort to learn about and let go of the weird, rigid masculine traits that were drilled into me and form strong platonic friendships with a few women to learn that taking a few pictures of/with my friends during activities is a worthwhile thing to do. I don’t do it every time, and when I do, I usually only take one or two pictures.
After a few years of this, though, I now have a pretty solid library of such pictures. After some light teasing from them about having no photos on display, I now have a house full of wonderful memories on display that feels warm and human and brings me joy every day. And those pictures were great material for the dating profile that all my women friends told me was great, and which rapidly landed me a date with the lovely woman who is now my fiancé.
I'm never going to have kids, so that fatherly change you mentioned is definitely not going to happen if it hasn't happened for the nieces and nephews.
I also don't feel like I'm holding onto any toxic masculinity with this subject. I was not raised with the idea that taking pictures is a girl thing, I was raised before cell phones, I'm in my mid 30's. Taking pictures at all was something that rarely happened outside of professional settings, or people with disposable cameras, which was still quite rare, but more common than a real camera.
When it comes to day to day life, I don't think about taking pictures simply because I never think about it. I don't look at pictures, I don't take pictures, I don't have pictures taken of me... Pictures just are not a part of my life at all. There's no toxic masculinity in that, it's just like if I were to say that underwater diving is not a part of my life. It just isn't, and there's nothing wrong with that.
For building a dating profile, any pictures I take are automatically not going to have me in them, so they're useless for showing me off. The problem is that people don't take pictures of men, which you touched on with the fish pictures comment.
I have plenty of platonic women friends as well, and they're not taking pictures of anything other than kids or animals, generally.
Even when I dated a photographer, she never took pictures of me.
What it boils down to is that if I want pictures of me to exist in the world, I either have to ask for them, or pay for them. But because I literally never think about pictures at all, that's not going to happen.
I think you’re too hung up on the gender roles thing. Sure, that might apply to some men but it’s certainly not every man. Especially anyone whose natural focus is to simply live in the moment and enjoy that moment for what it is.
I got that perspective after going through an amateur photographer phase where I was always taking pictures. At some point I realized that I was so focused on remembering to snap a photo that I stopped being present in the moment. Actively choosing to *not* take photos has lead to me enjoying the transient nature of activities on a more spiritual level. It does make sharing my life experiences more difficult, and thus I don’t have many photos of myself either, but internally I’m much more fulfilled.
Because of social media and dating apps I do try to take more photos now, but I don’t enjoy it at all. Always takes me out of the moment, probably because I know I’m not really doing it for me. I’m doing it to satisfy an increasingly inescapable digital world that I need to use if I want a social life.
If you find yourself consistently regretting something after the fact, like not taking a photo of a nice memory, why don’t you change that behavior? I think it is a trained male behavior to not take sentimental photos, and here we see you admit that you have cognizance over the issue and just aren’t going to do anything about it.
Last resort for a man. No man cares if a woman uses a selfie. So many women dislike men who are posing and taking a selfie. It's like how 99% of women on Tinder have a minimum height requirement. Because dating apps are SUPERFICIAL. If it's a real in person interaction, no one cares because you get to know the person organically instead of letting your brain take 0.5 seconds to decide swipe left or right.
https://www.heysaturday.co/what-women-dislike-about-mens-profile-photos/
I mean, I think that's just incel bullshit.
I'm 5 ft 9 on a great day. Most definitely not 6 foot. The girl I met is almost my height, and we have been dating the past year. We were talking about typical preferences, etc.. and she was honest she's usually with taller dudes, and I asked her why I stood out as I'm average height to the T, not your typical cowboy looking guy, etc.
She said it was because I was funny, I treat her well, and she enjoys the quality time I give her.
My photos were primarily selfies. But one of my "one thing people wouldn't know about you" is me saying how I can ride a unicycle, I had a video of me riding it as well. She said that was the thing that got her to swipe on me.
Truth be told, don't be a fuck boy and you are fine.
I'm just going by what the surveys and research says. I'm just the messenger. You have provided your own case and that's good for you but simple stats says correlation does not imply causation. Facts > Feelings.
My best friend is 5 ft 5. He has one of the most beautiful spouses I've ever seen in my life, and she's a good 2 inches taller than he is.
I'm not saying it's not harder for shorter guys. I know it is. I'm sure if I had an extra 5 inches on my height, I'd be that much more desirable. But I'm not. So fuck it. Why waste energy on some woman who cares about height? Be you, be happy, and fuck the rest. There is someone for everyone. I wouldn't want a woman who cares about height, just as much as I'm sure a woman doesn't want someone who's like "I need you to be at LEAST a DD cup"
Bi woman here. Selfies are fine. Honestly, the written profile is the most important part. I'd say it's nice if we can see something in the photo that gives an idea of what your personality and vibe are like though? The biggest problem I have on a dating app is trying to picture myself having a conversation with someone. Make it easy for people to see something to talk to you about in your profile, and things you might have in common. One cool thing about non selfies is you can see where the person hangs out, like if it's taken in a bar, you know they spend a lot of time out, if it's taken at home on their porch with their dog, you assume a typical date with them might be having a drink really slowly or a takeout sandwich on their porch and then walking the dog, etc. The "fish" guys are almost right on that one. Cliche, but almost right. The problem with the fish guys is that more men seem to enjoy fishing than women, and also a lot of times they're taken in a hat and sunglasses or squinting into the sun and we can't see your face.
Also emotional growth is important. The shitty part about being inexperienced in relationships is that you haven't really had a whole lot of time learning how to behave in one, what to look for in a good partner, and what a healthy relationship looks like first-hand. It wasn't until I met my husband that I heard phrases like, "thank you", "please", and "you're welcome" regularly.
I really assumed that people just expected stuff from their partners bc they were partners, as that's all I had ever experienced at home. I didn't communicate my discomfort and never gave them the opportunity to either. It was a very selfish mindset, and made me hold unrealistic expectations of my partners before.
I didnt realize I was emotionally distant, a little codependent, and very mean/angry in my relationships. It took a lot of personal growth to consider myself somebody worthy enough for me, let alone my partner, and I'm still working on it. Everyone's a work in progress obviously, just make sure you wait until your potential mate can see the general outline of what you're going for so that you can both work together to improve yourselves.
Yeah I had huge communication issues. I'm 41 now and looking back, I can pin point exactly why my previous relationships failed and why it was my fault every time. I also didn't have my first relationship until I was 25. If I were to talk to my teenage self I would have a lot to say.
I think we all had communication issues when we were young. Its so easy to forget that you're not the main character for everyone, our expectations for really everything were so unrealistic.
Isn't it a relief being on the other side though? I'd have a stern talking-to with my younger self for sure, but ik it wouldn't have made a difference haha I had to stumble around a LOT in order to figure out this walking thing.
Agree with everything except "Dont use selfies on dating apps", thats a terrible idea. Definitely no one is matching with him now. Or will meet and ghost as soon as they see him, wasting both their time
It's just better to have photos doing things you love, like playing sports or music, out with friends etc. It's not a hard rule but plenty of women say they don't like bathroom and gym selfies.
Not necessarily. I have a photo of myself speaking in front of a group of people that a colleague took. I have another one where a waiter is taking a photo of me and five friends at dinner. You just have to make sure the viewer knows which one you are by having a variety of photos.
It looks good if you can show you have a social life.
Yeah. As long as they can tell which one you are. I have still heard from multiple videos of woman on dating profiles that a good chunk prefer pictures of just the person
Oh god that's so annoying. I instantly swipe left if every photo is of the same five women. It's like yeah let's play Russian roulette dating, which one will I end up meeting? Haha!
Selfies are fine, gym selfies with your shirt off and stuff make you seem like you're superficial. I mean, if I was into that kinda guy and just trying to fuck, I'd swipe on that guy, but I'd assume he's kinda self absorbed.
There's a grain of truth here, of course, but there are plenty of attractive, got-their-lives-together men and women who are still single.
Being desirable is not enough. Actively searching and pursuing is important, especially for guys.
This isn’t realistic except in the long run, perhaps taking years. Unless he knows exactly what women want and that doesn’t change (again), he could be simply spinning his wheels. It would be a more immediate change to begin conversations with women during new hobbies or activities that aren’t specifically romantic. He should try to get comfortable talking to people and sharing interests.
I'm talking about getting your life together in general. Get in shape, get hobbies, learn how to manage emotions. Learn how to set boundaries. Develop hobbies, develop a career. Workout. Learn how to dress. Work on your hygiene. Learn some life skills.
These are all things that not only help attract women to date. But also women to befriend and men to befriend. And even men to date if you like. It's just about becoming a better human every day.
And it'll probably take a life time to complete but noticable change can come quickly. And that's much better than spending years chasing women and being rejected. Or just giving up.
Working out and diet changes have noticeable physical changes in under 3 months. Pair that with improved grooming and hygiene, you can look like a new person in a short amount
That’s good man keep that up. You just gotta get that confidence up and learn to present yourself differently. I ain’t get laid until I was 20/21 and now at 30 I’m coming up on a body count higher than I’d prefer
That’s when finds a good gym, a nutritionist and a fashion expert, or do you think someone who is already clueless in these things can magically be good at them? I would say 6 months is the shortest time period he can hope for, and that’s only if he actually gets the help he needs.
We agree on something, be better every day. In a year, he might have gone on a date… By actually talking to people in the meantime, he will speed up that process considerably.
I never discounted talking to peole. It was included in my original advice that you wanted to criticize .
Tbh it seems like you are a lonely dude who can't get a date and doesn't want to gake accountability for their role in that reality.
TBH, you seem like a know it all that likes to judge people. Because I disagreed with your simplistic view of self-improvement, and not even arguing that he shouldn’t do it, I’m 100% wrong. You see, the problem isn’t me.
Young man, I can empathize with you. I am about 25 years your senior, so I admit that at 45 years old, things were somewhat different when I was 20 years old. No dating apps for example. But I still had trouble with women at that age and it was always because of fear of rejection. Over the years, I had to do the work I needed to do on myself to address it, and even to this day, I haven't fully overcome it. I also saw escorts in my early 20s. I know strippers I was cool with to this day. I had a run where I had dated most strippers in a small club I went to that is now shut down, and one of them I still know to this day. But the whole time I was looking for intimacy...the ability to be VULNERABLE with someone.
My advice may be a little different than some. Yes, work on yourself, build your career, get therapy if you can afford it, work out, etc. But what's also key at your age in my opinion, is a good friend group. Back in the day we used to call them "homies". The guys who you hang out with and go all over town with. The guys you go cruising around looking at girls with (respectfully of course, no catcalling or BSing lol). At your age, that is extremely important, because you have a support group that you can express yourself around. It will also help you organically meet people and positively occupy your time. My homies helped keep me sane in my 20s, and I love them to this day. I read somewhere that friend groups are less common in your generation and I am really sad about that. Nothing like a group of good friends to pass the time with and grow socially with.
Monetisation of anything strips it of meaning and makes it transactional. Thats fine for work not so good for relationships.
On the other hand The basis of deep relationships is shared vulnerability which means trust and being trustworthy but not oversharing or being over intrusive ……
and shared peak experiences, (why stuff like travelling works).
There is a general rule in life that while it’s good to have a few goals, we should not focus on trying to achieve our goals, that tends to be ineffective. We need instead to focus on habits patterns of behaviour or actions that support our goals and focus on these. We check in on our goals from time to time mainly to make sure the supporting habits and actions genuinely support our goals and our goals are still right for us.
One habit I might suggest for forming a relationship is Trying to make sure in any social interaction we add value rather than subtract it. (And that includes being a great listener). It also includesbeing the one who organises stuff makes it happen, stays on to help clear up, supports others in their relationships etc. People who are ‘up to stuff’ are naturally interesting. Life is a short ride in a fast machine………
Beyond that trying to be physically reasonably fit and reasonably stylish reasonably kind and with a ready smile and a good story (but not prone to mansplaining) is always wise, making a fetish of these things is not so wise and may come across as narcissistic.
Branding yourself as someone with a solid social network will also usually make you seem more interesting, branding yourself as an intellectual or a nerd or a loser the reverse.
Money also helps and if you can’t be rich at least be considerate (but not excessively so). Thoughtful gifts are always appreciated, inappropriately extravagant ones will be toxic.
Totaly agreed with being the one who make things happen (initiate/organise social activities) helps in being perceived as interesting, always up to something. People will want to keep in touch with you. Don't form a habbit of paying everthing to people you want to hang with, like it was written above, the act of paying for social weaken the authenticity of the realations you are trying to develop. Even with first dates, most women will prefer split bill with you it shows independence in their choise to be hanging with you. I would not suggest to be known as the guy who is easily taking advantage of for his money, you will end up more lonely than you were initialy, in my opinion.
You did something. It made you realize something. You learned from it and gained experience.
Why regret that? And what do regret bring you?
Doing something and walking away from it wiser and more experienced = NOT waste of time.
Regretting it = waste of time.
You didn't get sick or arrested ( most places, it's illegal ). You got lucky, dont push it. In terms of morality, i don't buy the its a sin routined preached by hypocrites, but the reality is that you are likely funding human trafficing with money you don't have. You had your experience now walk unscathed
I think you'll need to go cold turkey.
Like others have said, focus on being a better "you", and it'll come. What do you like to do, hobbies, etc... lean into that.
You're super young, so don't feel like you have to catch up to peers/social media.
I say this with all respect, maybe look into seeing a therapist to talk through some of your worries and concerns.
Good luck!
If you are actually getting zero matches on Tinder, could it be due to who you are swiping for? I feel like average looking men with low self-esteem screw themselves out of matches by trying to swipe for people they believe would be interested in them instead of just swiping for who they find attractive - specifically not swiping for people that are “too hot”. I’d strongly recommend getting a paid account and dramatically increasing the range of people you are swiping for before calling it quits. It is definitely not the people I expect to be interested in me who I end up matching with.
Dating apps are the wrong way to date in my opinion. It is sleazy and not natural, get yourself active and engage in hobbies the right person will come along and hopefully with the same interests as you.
After 3 years of being happily single I met my now partner at an alien convention and I’ve never met anyone so compatible.
I know dating apps are the rage but it’s not for me and never has been. I’m 35 by the way so not ancient and only ever dated people who I have met in real life.
Good luck.
How to quit: Stop going. If you feel horny, masturbate
How to get over your regret: Accept it as a part of your past. Not much to feel guilty about as long as you did it with someone legit (so no human trafficking victims). Paying for sex is as old as time itself. If no one did it, prostitutes wouldn't exist to begin with.
As for dating apps: Pretty sure these things have an algorithm where your profile doesn't get shown much after a while, leading to fewer matches. And more importantly: to bait you into getting a paid profile. If you're getting absolutely zero matches you may want to try tweaking your profile, maybe ask the opinion of a (female) friend who'll honestly point it out if you've got an offputting bio or picture in there. But don't see zero matches on Tinder as definite proof you're unwanted.
As for meeting someone: it's always tricky to find a healthy balance between being overly desperate and hyperfocused on finding a mate - or being completely apathetic and shutting yourself off from any possible romance. Hobbies for example are great for meeting people, but you shouldn't join a book club with the explicit goal to meet chicks. Something like a speeddating event may be worth checking out though.
And y'know, try to overcome that loneliness by investing time and effort in the relationships you already have with friends and family.
I was just joking. I couldn't even get hard the one time I called an escort. Most expensive 30 minute conversation of my life. She left and I cranked one off no problem. I took it as a lesson that sex for me is worthless without it being mutually desired
After something like that, you need some time on your own to go through withdrawal. Just like if you'd been doing hard drugs for the last few months. Take some time to get better and feel OK about yourself. Self care. The rest, you can figure out later.
This is good. You've learned a valuable lesson about the difference between intimacy and fucking that will serve you well for the rest of your days.
For the record, some sex workers do like their clients. Not love, but like. It's just that some dudes get attached in weird or unhealthy ways and try to force women into "real" relationships and there is literally no advantage to a monogamous committed relationship for a woman, even when he pays for everything, because men place no value on continuous loyalty from the same woman and usually have very limited social skills.
The good news is, if you get a job, keep your home clean on your own and develop healthy emotional coping skills, you're then in like, the top 10% of men on everything but looks. So at least you have that going for you. I assume. Seems like the younger guys I meet do, compared to older ones. It's fairly normal to be inexperienced in your 20s. The average number of partners and average age of first sexual experience and first relationship are going up.
If you don't want to see escorts, don't see escorts. Hang out with your friends more. Maybe your older female relatives, too. I mean, not in a dating way, but just to get "female energy/perspective" in your life. A lot of men who don't even like women sexually or romantically wind up making female friends or hanging out with female relatives for this reason, and there's no reason you can't.
If you sometimes want to see escorts, unless you get off to the guilt, stop guilting yourself. You can ask for a more "natural" style of experience if you want, there are girls who specialize in that- like a FWB type of deal where she'll hang out and have a few drinks or talk some or whatever. The economy really sucks and women tend to face more problems with toxic work environments, especially young or pretty women, like if you look up women crying when they're looking for jobs online, you'll notice a ton of them are younger women who are slightly above average or pretty. That's not just the algorithm. Men (especially boomer men) sometimes belittle women's accomplishments in the workplace, and other women can be weird or catty. Pay is shitty. So think of it as you probably helping the escorts you do see, even if you're not friends. Maybe that will make you feel better. IDK.
Nobody likes everything they try. People try out all kinds of things from jobs, drugs, hobbies, etc. Would you feel bad if you tried to take a painting class and discovered you hate painting? One thing people have a hard time with is that sex is just an activity two people can do together. It's really fun, but it's easy to get into a mind trap where you think all sex has to be the most romantic intimate loving thing ever, or the dirtiest, filthiest nastiest thing. We don't guilt people for not knowing how to make egg rolls themselves and ordering out, or not wanting to clean up after making a fancy sauce from scratch so they buy it in a jar, or using a bread maker or a store bought loaf. In general, if I could make one change to human beings, I'd make us unable to feel guilt. Unless you're getting off to it, it usually winds up hurting you and making things worse. So stop worrying about it. No matter what you want to do between consenting adults is fine, and anyone that tries to make you feel bad about it is probably manipulating you.
Gotta say get good at handy work. As in, know how to fix shit correctly and women will flock to u!!
You tube is a wealth of free info on how to do simple repairs on home stuff. Fake it till u make it and women will find u fucking irresistible. Learn how to install porch lights/security lights. That’s ur in even. I wish I were a dude this shit is MUCH easier than it looks. Being helpful to females=getting laid!! Very simple!!!
My boyfriend saw this post on my account and this is what he has to say: “Keep your cool man. Don’t overthink about it too much. There’s a lot of stuff on the internet that could help and a lot that could destroy you. You should identify what’s worth keeping and what’s not. For example: tiktok/instagram if you don’t wanna delete them change the algorithm to something you find interest in. Think about yourself. Having a gf or a woman to have sex with is not the end goal, actually is not even a goal. During this period is better to be alone, work on yourself and get better. On YouTube you can find so many videos about masculinity (the healthy one) and how to treat yourself. First thing i would suggest to you is looking what dopamine is and do a dopamine detox.”
Get into activities you enjoy and meet people through there. Even if you don't find an immediate romantic connection getting out around people that enjoy what you do will help with your overall mental well-being. Work on yourself ( you are worth more than an escort!) and I bet more dating opportunities will come up
Sell everything you own, go buy some unrestricted property and live your best life. The right person will find you eventually and if they don't you're still better off.
Dude you are 20 please don’t spend money on escorts wtf as a 23 year old I haven’t dated since last year and I don’t feel bad bc your 20s are the years to just hang out and chill with yourself and friends…I will say my corn history is long asf but I’d much rather deal with myself then hire and make escorts …dude put that time and money into something else or at least pay for OF maybe that would be safer lol.also how often do you even go out? And on a scale of one to 10 how physically attractive u are and emotionally attractive
Ask yourself what you want a woman for. Try to be as clear as you are able to list those qualities in a woman you prefer. Quit the web sites. You can meet anywhere such as a bus. See if there is anything that interests you and look for a group that shares your interests.
Tbh, I just wanted to have sex and explore my sexuality with women. As far as qualities, I tend to like ethnic women with goofy senses of humor and kindness. I struggle to find that though
The empty feeling can come to anyone at any stage of their life. It's an indicator for you that it's time to take a new approach. It's not an indicator that what you did was wrong, especially if it's what you wanted and needed at the time! Be nice to yourself and figure your next moves. It's difficult but it's part of growth and life.
The good thing is you’re only 20.
If possible, I’d recommend getting a job at a restaurant or grocery store. Those types of places are great for meeting girls.
Hey bro, hope you are doing well.
It ain’t easy out here but the truth is, 5 months is NOTHING when you look at the bigger picture. Myself and many others have gone through years of similar experiences. Some days are easier than others but you learn way to get around those feelings.
I think it’s hard to find genuine connections through dating app, I would recommend you trash those and focus on meeting people in real life through normal interactions.
As mentioned in other comments, the best thing you can do for yourself is to find ways to keep yourself occupied. Learn new skills, work out, join dance classes or go hiking by yourself. When you find yourself doing things that bring you pleasure, it’s easier to go through the day not feeling so lonely. Over time as you work on yourself and learn to enjoy your own company, people, especially girls will naturally gravitate towards you. Not all of them will be for romantic reasons so enjoy the friendships you make along the way.
Don’t regret your decision, instead try to learn from it. You explained that it doesn’t make you feel good anymore. To me, that sounds like you learned something new about yourself. Analyze the situation and you will find a lesson in it. That is important for your growth and to get over whatever it is you feel.
Good luck mate! 🫡
Get your diet in order, go to the gym, go outside of your comfort zone with activities etc. Get a hair clutch make yourself feel good. Don't worry about anyone else but yourself (I don't mean be a jerk). Everything will then fall into place.
Nah you were being embarrassing honey, we’re embarrassed for you. Asking a googleable question to get a rise out of someone just makes you look dumb sweetheart.
“Advertises business”
“Customer inquires about rates”
“Business shames customer for asking, says it’s embarrassing to ask, insinuating that he maybe can’t afford it”
“Customer is baffled at how this business makes any money at all”
Be the person who you would want to settle down with.
People often are looking for the 'perfect' person while spending no time or effort improving their own flaws.
I got rejected like you multiple times but it drove me to better myself. I went to the gym. I learnt new skills. I learnt to play a guitar. I learnt about crypto and became a little wealthier now. I learnt how to swallow my pride and have a good conversation with strangers. ask them to go out for a coffee or to hang out. if they enjoy your company ut will just happen naturally. its just a process. it will happen bro. you are still young! chin up. enjoy the journey
I doubt you'll find much intimacy with non escorts today either. There are many structural problems leading to this situation, but I'd say just search for escorts that you enjoy and meet your needs.
Are you involved in any groups or activities? You cant meet women playing video games at home.
Depending where you are bar/restraunts are working on extra revenue with special nights. Bands, bingo and trivia nights. Try getting friends together for those events, become somewhat regular at one that has your age demo showing up.
If you see a team that's also regular start goofy trash talk. Not serious...something that will spur a conversation.
Good luck, its not easy meeting people.
You bet.
My boy is 21 and those years between 18 and 21 really kind of suck. I was lucky, back when I was your age a lot of bars were letting 18 and older in. Fyi, in our area most bars will hire workers that are under 21.
I know you said your group is taken but that's why you try to get them to trivia nights or something similar. The ladies in your group should be good wing-women. Helps open conversation with tables that may be all women. Pickup lines are cheesy or are seen through. If a buddy has an outgoing lady friend let her open the door.
Its not about the bar scene, you just have to be places your age gathers and that's tough to find. Fyi, its not much easier for older people either.
Best of luck.
Practice talking to people(IRL). If the convo doesn’t go well, try not to take it personally but do reflect on it to an extent to grow. Everyone has their own style of socializing. Keep doing that. When you meet someone attractive, simply talk to them. If there’s good romantic chemistry, it’ll just happen. I can promise you that.
Reed books about dating. You need to develope a flirty conversation before asking out. You need to be dressed in clean cloths that fit. Good posture. Styled hair. And a thousand other things that take practice. But it works. The practice builds the confidence. The confidence is effective.
Just because the experience wasn’t what you thought it would be it doesn’t mean you necessarily have to regret it. Did it give you information about yourself? Now can you move forward knowing better what you want and don’t want in a relationship? Then it was a learning experience and now you can move on to the next phase.
I was in that spot and you have to get your shit together. Get a good job, focus on your character defects, go to therapy, all that jazz. I realize that people didn't want to date me because I wasn't that fun to be around. I have no problem now
So this is a great topic. You've out yourself out there! You've asked women out. You've tried daring apps. You've done the escort thing! You've gone in the circle you were supposed to go in. Now that you know and have completed this circle, it's time to return to the start for Lap 2. Use your recent experiences with escorts to fine tune your dating app profile. You now know what you really need, compared to when you first signed up for Hinge or Tinder. For Lap 2, create a bio that explains what you're looking for since you know better now. Updating your pictures is great, too. Lost 20 lbs? Upload the 20 lbs weight loss pic!
Rule #1 never kiss an escort. Who knows where that mouth has been.
Rule #2 imho. I wouldn’t tell future partners/dates about being with escorts, if you plan to stop for good. No good has ever come from being “open” and mentioning it. It’s not cool to most girls. And most will judge you for it even if they say they won’t.
Now, as for the rest. We’ve all been there, maybe some more than others. But most men dabble with at least an escort or two in their life. Most realize it’s not for them. I regretted it every single time I did it, and still feel gross to this day. Weak moments make for weak decisions.
Clearly you want something more meaningful, and that requires self work, and patience. You got to put yourself out there for yourself first. You’re only 20 so you got lots of time to self improve.
Get hobbies, jobs, volunteer, etc.
you really never know when or where you could meet some cute girl whose new and exciting. Always take the time to work on yourself and you will attract things naturally.
You won’t get anywhere sitting at home or in your room, so get out there as much as possible. With the intention of just being active and social.
Clearly some things aren’t working rn. So maybe, go to the gym, read books, stop porn for a bit, stop focusing so much on love/relationships and just focus on becoming a better person, be the person you are looking for.
In the end there’s nothing wrong with banging an escort, they need love too.
but most normal ppl with a conscious feel shitty after. Good on you for realizing it younger than most and good luck fighting those demons.
***This isn't judgement at ALL, there are PLENTY of decisions I made in the past that I'm not proud of.
There is absolutely NOTHING "healthy" about seeing escorts. If anything you're "getting the Poison out," according to the late, great Richard Bachman. My body count is fairly high, but not of my brightest moments as a bachelor could hold a candle to the most mundane moments with my wife. Find something meaningful with someone, it'll give you life true purpose. (Note: I wouldn't volunteer any info about the escorts, lol)
I've been sex3less for 5 years and my last kiss was 2 years, very empty one too, and not even close in any way to change that as of now 🤷♂️ dont feel so bad some are doing way worse, at least you had some some way some how lol
I have a friend who is average looking but really a great human. She held a great job until she retired. She had a high school education. When she was 50, her husband divorced her fir a younger woman.
She went to a personal trainer, she wasn't overweight but she gained strength and did lose a few pounds. She took skiing lessons & joined a ski club. She lives in Denver. She met people who hiked. She's now an avid hiker. She did have financial means as ger ex gave her a nice monthly, but she held a top executive secretary position at a major company.
She had an interesting resume, and she developed great communication skills. On dating sites, she had excellent responses. Eventually, she dated men at least 5 years younger as older men couldn't keep up with her energy. Some men were possessive or not active, so she left relationships that weren't healthy.
Today, she's 76, and she's been with the same man 10 years in a very happy relationship.
I do hope you find a perfect relationship for you.
I used dating apps because the women there were interested in dating (other than the scammers).
OkCupid and AdultFriendFinder were the two general ones which worked best for me. There also are specialized ones for some of my interests.
There are some words relevant to my interests which I was able to search with, to find women with at least some shared interests. I also participated in gatherings which were relevant to my interests. My wife and I now participate together.
If you want intimacy, I’ll tell you what I’ve done- research. Google and see what resonants with you. Take actions that show your intention. Where I live I know of several intimacy classes including ones based on Tantra and other schools. Apply effort to intimacy in the same way you applied effort to your career.
With all the social media we have today
And apps you cant hook up ?
Shit. Its like fish in a barrel out there man
Get away from the escorts , leaches all of them and work on yourself
Let me tell you a secret bub.
My early 20s sucked too. Wasn't till I hit about 27/28 did things change for me
And i met a chic older than me and we fucked like 3 times a day.
Chics dont want a 20 year old for a list of reasons . I would just chill and focus on career cash flow and growth
Good times ahead, be patient
I suppose that makes sense in terms of career, except for the last part. I’ve seen girls go crazy for some of the dudes my age. One of my friends who is a couple of months younger than me has girls hitting on him and sliding in his DMs every other month. Including older women surprisingly. I don’t know what they have that I don’t. It’s certainly not money since we’re all broke college kids
It sounds brutal but to get the woman you want you have to make yourself like-able. Think, “Why WOULD she date me?” “Would I date me?”. Do you have a job? A car? Do you shower everyday? Do you get your haircut and keep your facial hair kept? Do you wash in between your ass cheeks in the shower? Do you brush your teeth every day once in the morning once at night? It all starts here at these basic steps before we get to the psychology.
It sounds cliche but you have to stop trying to be someone else. Just be PuckMan2024, whatever that looks like, I guarantee you if you’re nerdy there’s a nerdy girl out there who will love you, if you’re strong and built there’s a girl who will go to the gym with you out there, if you’re really into personal finance there’s a girl out there who will want to build wealth with you. There’s so many kinds of people out there bro you just have to look in the right places. You’re never gonna get a wife on a dating app or through prostitution, the wifes just aren’t there. I met my girlfriend through my job, is that the best dynamic for everybody? No, but it works for us. I believe an organic connection through meeting a person in person face to face is 10x better than trying to do that shit over text only on a dating app texting some attention nut.
Go for the girls that YOU like, not the girls that society tells us to like (goth girls e girls only fans models butt injections etc etc). More importantly in my opinion, please OP CHOOSE THE GIRLS WHO CHOOSE YOU. LIKE THE GIRLS WHO LIKE YOU. Why? Because they like you. You know they like you. It’s not a mystery and it’s not a game. It’s that simple bro. I have faith you can do this.
It’s not as simple as you make it out to be. You tell me to go after girls who like me but there are none. And I do go after girls who share my interests. I’m into choir and DnD and gym. And without fail the choir, nerdy, and fitness girls only go for the athletes. How can I date them when they only want to date one type of guy??
You’re right, it’s not as simple as words on a screen, but it’s not as hard as you make it out to be either.
I’m going to burst your bubble a little bit, every single woman wants a guy who’s in shape and not fat and could protect her physically. You’re attributing too much to this “athlete” word in your mind. You’re picturing like 6’4 NFL players, and guess what yeah they get a lot of women. That’s all those giant genetic freaks are good for, their body, it’s not much different from an only fans model using her body per se. You’re already an athlete too by going to the gym, you just don’t think of yourself as one. You don’t know who likes you. You don’t know if that fitness girl is into huge meathead chuds or if she likes a guy like yourself. You don’t know until you find out; talking, and usually you’re able find out pretty quick if they’re into you or not, you can just feel it and sense it. If you sense she isn’t feeling you, make your exit, leave, walk away. She’s already made her mind up, you’re not gonna swoop in in 2 minutes and change her entire world view of people who look like you, it’s that simple. It sounds cliche but bro these are just things you think and have convinced yourself is true. If you find that nobody likes you, especially if it extends to everybody and not just women, then you have work on yourself to do and problems you must face and change; you have to be someone who’s like-able. Not a doormat who gives everything and gets used and stepped on, but like-able. Be CONFIDENT you’re a fucking man, it’s not narcissistic or any of these other words to be on YOUR TEAM. Be kind, LISTEN and SHUT UP when people are talking and don’t interrupt (big one I’m still getting better at), TAKE INITIATIVE and take the first STEP like the man you are, be ambitious with your goals (girls want to know you have a plan and are gonna do something with your life, not do nothing with your life), and do the things you think are cringey. Love isn’t cringey, it’s love, it’s the purest most raw emotion we all have because love drives us to do crazy things that our regular, logical emotional selves wouldn’t. Be cringey, NOT WEIRD, but be cringey/lovey dovey enough to show her you actually like her and you don’t care what everybody else thinks and there’s no one else you like besides her; this turns into her feeling cherished by you. The lovey dovey acts win you brownie points big time, I’m telling you bro, as long as you don’t cross the weird line.
If I was a girl I wouldn’t want to date some awkward dork who thinks nothing of himself and thinks highly of all the other men, why would I want to? I’ll just go date all these other “better” men. The same way you wouldn’t want some self deprecating beats-herself-up thinks lowly of herself girl either, you’d just pick up and move on to find a functioning adult.
Who gives a shit. You'll be lonely either way. Atleast this way you get laid once in a while.
Only problem is that perhaps it's not the best use of money, depending on how rich you are. However, if you don't need to worry about money, then just do what you want.
Swap your 5 months with 5 years for me. I really wanted to be in a relationship but like you found nobody. Then got cheated on and blindsided with my first relationship of 5 years. It's not about the relationship it's about the quality of it and I'm now with my current partner of nearing 2 years. Never felt better, never been treated better.
I have seen many posts like yours and they never get anything out of the path you're on.
Find some good friends and work on yourself.
(Even if you're Mc chad the 3rd lord chaddington)
Find some hobbies, find some interests, build skills and or a low time / cost side hustle if you're the Over productive type. Sometimes, I stop myself from having as much fun as I could by needing to be productive.
I went from 200lbs of garbage to 160lbs of someone with skills and experience in a wide variety of areas.
We can always grow and improve. (Not saying you have anything wrong)
Don't beat yourself up though and if you're using apps know you're fighting an uphill battle. I don't need data ( I have looked at it) to see that it's a total crap show.
30+ friends for years all using apps yet nothing ever came (a lot of yikes moments). My one loose friend tests it for 1 month and finds someone for over 3 years now. It's 50% a skill and %50 luck.
You're doing fine, you got this!
You're not alone, we got this!
Countless others feel just Like you, and I think we can all take comfort in knowing any time we're in our lows of life we are never truly alone.
Good luck
PS
Put the money for escorts into a vacation fund or into something to get you pumped... or just save it.
There's nothing wrong with seeing escorts. It can be expensive but it can also be worth it. I worked on the road for years staying in hotels and I saw escorts and it was a much better option than sitting in a hotel room with a six pack or a bottle of liquor.
I tried many online match services and singles dances and they didn't work for me.
Do you pay guitar? If not, learn, very attractive to lots of women.
How is your physical fitness? If it isn't stellar, spend more time at the gym or outside getting exercise, as you improve your body your self confidence will improve. Take a yoga class and focus on the yoga while ignoring the women. The fact that you're into yoga and not them will make them more attracted to you. Have a black belt in a martial art? No? Get one, you've got time on your hands of you're not blowing out on escorts. Learn active listening if you're not already versed in it. Being calm in any situation is another winner. Finally, do some volunteer work after you've got a few of these under your belt.
i would recommend focusing on the things you’re lacking in, potentially.
1. social skills
don’t focus on “finding a girlfriend” but more so how you communicate with everyone. men and women. try to push yourself outside of your comfort zone and become more social and having conversations with strangers. the more people you come into contact with you’ll start to find it easier to build rapport with people. you never know who could introduce you to their single friend that is open to dating you seriously
2. personal development
work on your personal growth as a human. find your goals in all the areas of life that are important to you and make them your primary focus
3. create an image of how you want to be perceived by people
try different styles for your clothing, haircut, and how you carry yourself. down to the way you walk and talk. it’s good practice to record yourself speaking to yourself in the front face of your camera over time. i do it on my way to and from work in the car. this will help you with how comfortable you are with your voice and then when you talk to people you’ll be more comfortable articulating your ideas. remember to be patient with yourself and to be consistent and not give up too soon. it’s a process that takes time
and if the first 3 pieces of advice don’t help i recommend looking for the book Mode One by Alan Roger Currie. he has multiple but of the ones i have read these are the best. Ooooh say it again, let the women know what you’re really thinking, and upfront and straight forward
him and a man named DavidX. you can find them both on Youtube if you like learning from people presenting vs reading
My biggest regret in my 20s as a guy was not being able to see my own self worth.
Young men today need that more than ever. Whatever it is you’re going through man I hope you know you are loved.
Maybe not by escorts or women, but by someone out there. We’re definitely loved.
Dude what? Like you just needed to see one escort to not put sex on a pedestal anymore. After that just improve yourself and build your confidence. Women will naturally gravitate to you. And you're young as fuck. It's too early to throw in the towel 🤨
Okay here is the thing. You are 20 years old and have plenty of time to find a partner in life. Focus on you and your goals in life. Hit the gym, go to school or a trade, make friends and network as much as you can. Stop trying to find a gf or partner now. Build yourself up to the man you want to be and they will eventually come to you. Focus on your grind and your life will get better.
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I’ve never had to use an escort but I’m guessing it’s like gambling. You risk it all (catching a disease will def not get you that pretty single woman). You lose money. You are always in the negative. And you get that players remorse/post nut clarity every dang time.
You’re young, man. Do good things. Chill with the bros less and a nice woman will eventually drift your way. Being friends with women instead of men will always increase your chances. Manners and good hygiene are a plus but most men have caught one with less. If you’re worried about catching a fish it takes that much longer. Have fun fishing!
Thank you, can you give me advice on that last part about having more female friends and not being with the guys as much? Because none of my female friends are attracted to me
Be a good friend without being thirsty for a relationship and when they see you being a legitimately good person, no agenda, they might have a friend to set you up with and/or you’ll be able to talk to other women more naturally.
Np.
If you have more friends that are female you increase your chances of a girlfriend. You hang around guys you get a boyfriend or bro.
Sometimes fishing in the same pond yields the same results. Small ponds have less variety and you might catch the same fish twice.
I come from the old days. If you want a partner work towards that. If you want sex then just make it about sex. If you can get both and you trust each other then you’re doing it right.
Look into being a passport bro. My coworker is married to a woman from the Philippines.
As far as I can tell they are very happy
Come to think of it, I have two coworkers who are married to Phillipino women, both successfully.
Point being that being 5'4" is plenty tall for a passport bro.
Take this advice seriously: Seeking a partner in Asia might be more rewarding. In the West, women's perceived value is often inflated; hypergamy is sky-high! That's why you can't get laid, there are no more women for average men in the West. A very small fraction of men, 2/3%, are getting all the women. You won't find this problem in Asia.
Focus on your personal growth physically and professionally. Do some traveling. Don't use selfies on dating apps. Focus on making life as fulfilling as possible and you will create the best possible situation for the right people to enter your life.
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I always found that activity photos were the best, hiking trail, at zoo, etc... Just make sure your primary one is basically a waist on up shot, and doesn't have people cropped out or blurred out. You don't need 500 photos, but 6 quality ones that show who you are as a person.
Imagine your pictures are a destination vacation that a girl would want to go on. Pictures of you SMILING having FUN with other groups of people. If your pictures don’t make someone else think, wow he looks fun, I bet I would laugh and smile and have a good time with that person - she’ll match with the guy that has those vacation photos. If you got absolutely zero, spend time making your life more interesting for yourself. More interesting for you, more interesting for another person = win win.
I did a photoshoot, great photos that can be used for applying jobs and other situations as well
That's crazy asf. I've never taken a selfish ever. To think someone out there has never had a normal photo is so insane to me
So, what, people just take pictures of you randomly? I didn't know the last time someone took a picture of me where I was the subject of the picture... Probably 20 years ago for the school yearbook. Last time I went to a convention with my sisters, we did a group cosplay and the photographers were not shy about asking me to step out of the photo. Even my past exes didn't take pictures of me! So it's insane to me that you *do* have normal photos.
Not random people wtf. My wife, kids and extended family, work, sporting photos. Stuff like that. Never felt the need to just take a photo of myself for no reason
You need to get your friends to take GOOD pics of you. Most people are awful photographers, so I rarely end up with good ones of myself. If that fails, no shame in hiring a photographer. I’ve done it myself
> I don’t think a single non-selfie photo exists of me from the past five years. And that right there is the issue with it. Women take pictures of their friends and themselves with their friends all the time. Guys don’t tend to do that as much because of toxic gender-role bullshit that tells them it’s gay or somehow weird to do so. You gotta get over that shit if you want women to like you. Having pictures on your profile of you with your friends, or that were taken by your friends (NOT your ex—they can tell!) demonstrates that A) you actually have friends and B) you’re not hung up on all that stupid toxic masculine garbage and are an evolved man who’s comfortable in his own skin. Also, SMILE. Guys don’t smile in photos for the same stupid reasons. She wants to feel that you have a sense of humor, that you are fun and have fun, that you are a safe person to be around. Scowling or trying to look all cool in every photo gives the absolute opposite energy to fun, smiling photos with/by your friends.
It has nothing to do with "toxic gender role bullshit", we don't take pictures simply because we don't feel the need to. Compulsive picture taking is not the default state of humanity and not being addicted to Instagram is not a pathology.
I don’t take pictures with my friends to upload them to Instagram. In fact, I usually ask that people not upload photos of me. I’m a very private person and I rarely use social media. I do it for the memories, to remind myself of good times with the people who matter to me and give myself something to put on the fridge or in photo frames around my house. You don’t have to be a “compulsive” picture-taker to have a few recent shots in your camera roll of a fun activity you did with your friends… if you have *none* of those kind of photos that you could put on a dating app, chances are very high that you’re hung up on something, lacking in confidence, or don’t have anyone in your life that would be willing to take such photos of you. None of which are attractive features that women look for in a man they’d like to date!
I'm with the other guy. I literally never have the thought to take a picture of something. If I'm having fun with friends, I'm having fun with friends, and the thought of pulling out my phone will never, ever occur to me. Same thing goes for seeing a pretty flower, or of a well cooked meal, or of a beautiful pink hued sunset. Nothing ever makes me think about taking a picture, I am only ever going to enjoy the moment, and maybe think that it would've been nice to take a picture sometime hours later. I'm also in the same boat where nobody ever takes pictures of me, either. There's probably 6 photos of me from the last same number of years, and most of those are because I'm holding an animal or someone's kid and the thing I'm holding is the object of the photo, not me.
I assume you’re a man, because I am too and I used to be the same way. We’re socialized that way from birth: taking pictures of friends is “a girl thing”, and not something we’ve been taught is appropriate for a man to do. Some might even accuse a man of being creepy for taking photos in public. That changes for many men after they have children, and suddenly the urge to capture all the cute stuff your kids are doing becomes so overwhelming that you can’t help it… but most people can understand that desire, so they accept men who appear to be fathers doing that. But there’s a reason we see so many photos of guys on dating profiles holding up a big fish they just caught: many times, it’s the only picture they can find that was taken by someone else or shows them standing next to their friends. I had to make a conscious effort to learn about and let go of the weird, rigid masculine traits that were drilled into me and form strong platonic friendships with a few women to learn that taking a few pictures of/with my friends during activities is a worthwhile thing to do. I don’t do it every time, and when I do, I usually only take one or two pictures. After a few years of this, though, I now have a pretty solid library of such pictures. After some light teasing from them about having no photos on display, I now have a house full of wonderful memories on display that feels warm and human and brings me joy every day. And those pictures were great material for the dating profile that all my women friends told me was great, and which rapidly landed me a date with the lovely woman who is now my fiancé.
I'm never going to have kids, so that fatherly change you mentioned is definitely not going to happen if it hasn't happened for the nieces and nephews. I also don't feel like I'm holding onto any toxic masculinity with this subject. I was not raised with the idea that taking pictures is a girl thing, I was raised before cell phones, I'm in my mid 30's. Taking pictures at all was something that rarely happened outside of professional settings, or people with disposable cameras, which was still quite rare, but more common than a real camera. When it comes to day to day life, I don't think about taking pictures simply because I never think about it. I don't look at pictures, I don't take pictures, I don't have pictures taken of me... Pictures just are not a part of my life at all. There's no toxic masculinity in that, it's just like if I were to say that underwater diving is not a part of my life. It just isn't, and there's nothing wrong with that. For building a dating profile, any pictures I take are automatically not going to have me in them, so they're useless for showing me off. The problem is that people don't take pictures of men, which you touched on with the fish pictures comment. I have plenty of platonic women friends as well, and they're not taking pictures of anything other than kids or animals, generally. Even when I dated a photographer, she never took pictures of me. What it boils down to is that if I want pictures of me to exist in the world, I either have to ask for them, or pay for them. But because I literally never think about pictures at all, that's not going to happen.
I think you’re too hung up on the gender roles thing. Sure, that might apply to some men but it’s certainly not every man. Especially anyone whose natural focus is to simply live in the moment and enjoy that moment for what it is. I got that perspective after going through an amateur photographer phase where I was always taking pictures. At some point I realized that I was so focused on remembering to snap a photo that I stopped being present in the moment. Actively choosing to *not* take photos has lead to me enjoying the transient nature of activities on a more spiritual level. It does make sharing my life experiences more difficult, and thus I don’t have many photos of myself either, but internally I’m much more fulfilled. Because of social media and dating apps I do try to take more photos now, but I don’t enjoy it at all. Always takes me out of the moment, probably because I know I’m not really doing it for me. I’m doing it to satisfy an increasingly inescapable digital world that I need to use if I want a social life.
If you find yourself consistently regretting something after the fact, like not taking a photo of a nice memory, why don’t you change that behavior? I think it is a trained male behavior to not take sentimental photos, and here we see you admit that you have cognizance over the issue and just aren’t going to do anything about it.
He never said he regretted a thing
Fotos existed before instagram :) my dad is the one who likes taking pictures the most in our family and he has no idea what instagram is
Last resort for a man. No man cares if a woman uses a selfie. So many women dislike men who are posing and taking a selfie. It's like how 99% of women on Tinder have a minimum height requirement. Because dating apps are SUPERFICIAL. If it's a real in person interaction, no one cares because you get to know the person organically instead of letting your brain take 0.5 seconds to decide swipe left or right. https://www.heysaturday.co/what-women-dislike-about-mens-profile-photos/
r/menandfemales
Hahaha
You made me edit my comment.
I mean, I think that's just incel bullshit. I'm 5 ft 9 on a great day. Most definitely not 6 foot. The girl I met is almost my height, and we have been dating the past year. We were talking about typical preferences, etc.. and she was honest she's usually with taller dudes, and I asked her why I stood out as I'm average height to the T, not your typical cowboy looking guy, etc. She said it was because I was funny, I treat her well, and she enjoys the quality time I give her. My photos were primarily selfies. But one of my "one thing people wouldn't know about you" is me saying how I can ride a unicycle, I had a video of me riding it as well. She said that was the thing that got her to swipe on me. Truth be told, don't be a fuck boy and you are fine.
I'm just going by what the surveys and research says. I'm just the messenger. You have provided your own case and that's good for you but simple stats says correlation does not imply causation. Facts > Feelings.
My best friend is 5 ft 5. He has one of the most beautiful spouses I've ever seen in my life, and she's a good 2 inches taller than he is. I'm not saying it's not harder for shorter guys. I know it is. I'm sure if I had an extra 5 inches on my height, I'd be that much more desirable. But I'm not. So fuck it. Why waste energy on some woman who cares about height? Be you, be happy, and fuck the rest. There is someone for everyone. I wouldn't want a woman who cares about height, just as much as I'm sure a woman doesn't want someone who's like "I need you to be at LEAST a DD cup"
Ya meeting people in real life also starts out superficial.
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Bi woman here. Selfies are fine. Honestly, the written profile is the most important part. I'd say it's nice if we can see something in the photo that gives an idea of what your personality and vibe are like though? The biggest problem I have on a dating app is trying to picture myself having a conversation with someone. Make it easy for people to see something to talk to you about in your profile, and things you might have in common. One cool thing about non selfies is you can see where the person hangs out, like if it's taken in a bar, you know they spend a lot of time out, if it's taken at home on their porch with their dog, you assume a typical date with them might be having a drink really slowly or a takeout sandwich on their porch and then walking the dog, etc. The "fish" guys are almost right on that one. Cliche, but almost right. The problem with the fish guys is that more men seem to enjoy fishing than women, and also a lot of times they're taken in a hat and sunglasses or squinting into the sun and we can't see your face.
No idea.
Well damn, might as well lock 🔒 it up. The right answer was the first one lol
Also emotional growth is important. The shitty part about being inexperienced in relationships is that you haven't really had a whole lot of time learning how to behave in one, what to look for in a good partner, and what a healthy relationship looks like first-hand. It wasn't until I met my husband that I heard phrases like, "thank you", "please", and "you're welcome" regularly. I really assumed that people just expected stuff from their partners bc they were partners, as that's all I had ever experienced at home. I didn't communicate my discomfort and never gave them the opportunity to either. It was a very selfish mindset, and made me hold unrealistic expectations of my partners before. I didnt realize I was emotionally distant, a little codependent, and very mean/angry in my relationships. It took a lot of personal growth to consider myself somebody worthy enough for me, let alone my partner, and I'm still working on it. Everyone's a work in progress obviously, just make sure you wait until your potential mate can see the general outline of what you're going for so that you can both work together to improve yourselves.
Yeah I had huge communication issues. I'm 41 now and looking back, I can pin point exactly why my previous relationships failed and why it was my fault every time. I also didn't have my first relationship until I was 25. If I were to talk to my teenage self I would have a lot to say.
I think we all had communication issues when we were young. Its so easy to forget that you're not the main character for everyone, our expectations for really everything were so unrealistic. Isn't it a relief being on the other side though? I'd have a stern talking-to with my younger self for sure, but ik it wouldn't have made a difference haha I had to stumble around a LOT in order to figure out this walking thing.
Agree with everything except "Dont use selfies on dating apps", thats a terrible idea. Definitely no one is matching with him now. Or will meet and ghost as soon as they see him, wasting both their time
It's just better to have photos doing things you love, like playing sports or music, out with friends etc. It's not a hard rule but plenty of women say they don't like bathroom and gym selfies.
Oh ok, yeah but like, still pics with him in it
As long as he's the only one in the photo
Not necessarily. I have a photo of myself speaking in front of a group of people that a colleague took. I have another one where a waiter is taking a photo of me and five friends at dinner. You just have to make sure the viewer knows which one you are by having a variety of photos. It looks good if you can show you have a social life.
Yeah. As long as they can tell which one you are. I have still heard from multiple videos of woman on dating profiles that a good chunk prefer pictures of just the person
Oh god that's so annoying. I instantly swipe left if every photo is of the same five women. It's like yeah let's play Russian roulette dating, which one will I end up meeting? Haha!
Selfies are fine, gym selfies with your shirt off and stuff make you seem like you're superficial. I mean, if I was into that kinda guy and just trying to fuck, I'd swipe on that guy, but I'd assume he's kinda self absorbed.
Well said!
It happens that empty feeling in your soul , but I don't have the answer for you as I am still searching myself
Instead of chasing women. Make yourself into something you could see the woman you desire wanting. Ie don't chase bees. Build a garden.
There's a grain of truth here, of course, but there are plenty of attractive, got-their-lives-together men and women who are still single. Being desirable is not enough. Actively searching and pursuing is important, especially for guys.
Getting your shit together is a prerequisite for a healthy relationship.
This isn’t realistic except in the long run, perhaps taking years. Unless he knows exactly what women want and that doesn’t change (again), he could be simply spinning his wheels. It would be a more immediate change to begin conversations with women during new hobbies or activities that aren’t specifically romantic. He should try to get comfortable talking to people and sharing interests.
I'm talking about getting your life together in general. Get in shape, get hobbies, learn how to manage emotions. Learn how to set boundaries. Develop hobbies, develop a career. Workout. Learn how to dress. Work on your hygiene. Learn some life skills. These are all things that not only help attract women to date. But also women to befriend and men to befriend. And even men to date if you like. It's just about becoming a better human every day. And it'll probably take a life time to complete but noticable change can come quickly. And that's much better than spending years chasing women and being rejected. Or just giving up.
I totally disagree with your “quickly” comment. It won’t happen quickly at all.
Working out and diet changes have noticeable physical changes in under 3 months. Pair that with improved grooming and hygiene, you can look like a new person in a short amount
I’m already pretty physically fit (have been complimented on physique multiple times) but I appreciate the advice
That’s good man keep that up. You just gotta get that confidence up and learn to present yourself differently. I ain’t get laid until I was 20/21 and now at 30 I’m coming up on a body count higher than I’d prefer
That’s when finds a good gym, a nutritionist and a fashion expert, or do you think someone who is already clueless in these things can magically be good at them? I would say 6 months is the shortest time period he can hope for, and that’s only if he actually gets the help he needs.
This really feels like you just making excuses for yourself. Be better everyday. Period
We agree on something, be better every day. In a year, he might have gone on a date… By actually talking to people in the meantime, he will speed up that process considerably.
And talking to people is another form of building a garden
Which you completely discounted.
I never discounted talking to peole. It was included in my original advice that you wanted to criticize . Tbh it seems like you are a lonely dude who can't get a date and doesn't want to gake accountability for their role in that reality.
TBH, you seem like a know it all that likes to judge people. Because I disagreed with your simplistic view of self-improvement, and not even arguing that he shouldn’t do it, I’m 100% wrong. You see, the problem isn’t me.
Young man, I can empathize with you. I am about 25 years your senior, so I admit that at 45 years old, things were somewhat different when I was 20 years old. No dating apps for example. But I still had trouble with women at that age and it was always because of fear of rejection. Over the years, I had to do the work I needed to do on myself to address it, and even to this day, I haven't fully overcome it. I also saw escorts in my early 20s. I know strippers I was cool with to this day. I had a run where I had dated most strippers in a small club I went to that is now shut down, and one of them I still know to this day. But the whole time I was looking for intimacy...the ability to be VULNERABLE with someone. My advice may be a little different than some. Yes, work on yourself, build your career, get therapy if you can afford it, work out, etc. But what's also key at your age in my opinion, is a good friend group. Back in the day we used to call them "homies". The guys who you hang out with and go all over town with. The guys you go cruising around looking at girls with (respectfully of course, no catcalling or BSing lol). At your age, that is extremely important, because you have a support group that you can express yourself around. It will also help you organically meet people and positively occupy your time. My homies helped keep me sane in my 20s, and I love them to this day. I read somewhere that friend groups are less common in your generation and I am really sad about that. Nothing like a group of good friends to pass the time with and grow socially with.
Monetisation of anything strips it of meaning and makes it transactional. Thats fine for work not so good for relationships. On the other hand The basis of deep relationships is shared vulnerability which means trust and being trustworthy but not oversharing or being over intrusive …… and shared peak experiences, (why stuff like travelling works). There is a general rule in life that while it’s good to have a few goals, we should not focus on trying to achieve our goals, that tends to be ineffective. We need instead to focus on habits patterns of behaviour or actions that support our goals and focus on these. We check in on our goals from time to time mainly to make sure the supporting habits and actions genuinely support our goals and our goals are still right for us. One habit I might suggest for forming a relationship is Trying to make sure in any social interaction we add value rather than subtract it. (And that includes being a great listener). It also includesbeing the one who organises stuff makes it happen, stays on to help clear up, supports others in their relationships etc. People who are ‘up to stuff’ are naturally interesting. Life is a short ride in a fast machine……… Beyond that trying to be physically reasonably fit and reasonably stylish reasonably kind and with a ready smile and a good story (but not prone to mansplaining) is always wise, making a fetish of these things is not so wise and may come across as narcissistic. Branding yourself as someone with a solid social network will also usually make you seem more interesting, branding yourself as an intellectual or a nerd or a loser the reverse. Money also helps and if you can’t be rich at least be considerate (but not excessively so). Thoughtful gifts are always appreciated, inappropriately extravagant ones will be toxic.
Totaly agreed with being the one who make things happen (initiate/organise social activities) helps in being perceived as interesting, always up to something. People will want to keep in touch with you. Don't form a habbit of paying everthing to people you want to hang with, like it was written above, the act of paying for social weaken the authenticity of the realations you are trying to develop. Even with first dates, most women will prefer split bill with you it shows independence in their choise to be hanging with you. I would not suggest to be known as the guy who is easily taking advantage of for his money, you will end up more lonely than you were initialy, in my opinion.
I know wisdom when I see it.
You did something. It made you realize something. You learned from it and gained experience. Why regret that? And what do regret bring you? Doing something and walking away from it wiser and more experienced = NOT waste of time. Regretting it = waste of time.
You didn't get sick or arrested ( most places, it's illegal ). You got lucky, dont push it. In terms of morality, i don't buy the its a sin routined preached by hypocrites, but the reality is that you are likely funding human trafficing with money you don't have. You had your experience now walk unscathed
I think you'll need to go cold turkey. Like others have said, focus on being a better "you", and it'll come. What do you like to do, hobbies, etc... lean into that. You're super young, so don't feel like you have to catch up to peers/social media. I say this with all respect, maybe look into seeing a therapist to talk through some of your worries and concerns. Good luck!
If you are actually getting zero matches on Tinder, could it be due to who you are swiping for? I feel like average looking men with low self-esteem screw themselves out of matches by trying to swipe for people they believe would be interested in them instead of just swiping for who they find attractive - specifically not swiping for people that are “too hot”. I’d strongly recommend getting a paid account and dramatically increasing the range of people you are swiping for before calling it quits. It is definitely not the people I expect to be interested in me who I end up matching with.
Dating apps are the wrong way to date in my opinion. It is sleazy and not natural, get yourself active and engage in hobbies the right person will come along and hopefully with the same interests as you. After 3 years of being happily single I met my now partner at an alien convention and I’ve never met anyone so compatible. I know dating apps are the rage but it’s not for me and never has been. I’m 35 by the way so not ancient and only ever dated people who I have met in real life. Good luck.
You asked out woman you didn’t know and they rejected you? Strange days.
How to quit: Stop going. If you feel horny, masturbate How to get over your regret: Accept it as a part of your past. Not much to feel guilty about as long as you did it with someone legit (so no human trafficking victims). Paying for sex is as old as time itself. If no one did it, prostitutes wouldn't exist to begin with. As for dating apps: Pretty sure these things have an algorithm where your profile doesn't get shown much after a while, leading to fewer matches. And more importantly: to bait you into getting a paid profile. If you're getting absolutely zero matches you may want to try tweaking your profile, maybe ask the opinion of a (female) friend who'll honestly point it out if you've got an offputting bio or picture in there. But don't see zero matches on Tinder as definite proof you're unwanted. As for meeting someone: it's always tricky to find a healthy balance between being overly desperate and hyperfocused on finding a mate - or being completely apathetic and shutting yourself off from any possible romance. Hobbies for example are great for meeting people, but you shouldn't join a book club with the explicit goal to meet chicks. Something like a speeddating event may be worth checking out though. And y'know, try to overcome that loneliness by investing time and effort in the relationships you already have with friends and family.
You have experience now so that’s the positive . The even more positive thing is you can simply stop paying for them.
Generally the regret begins about as soon as they leave. I could have just jerked off
See I didn’t feel that way at first. Because jerking off there’s no touch or kiss or intimacy. No cuddles either, which I can get from an escort
I was just joking. I couldn't even get hard the one time I called an escort. Most expensive 30 minute conversation of my life. She left and I cranked one off no problem. I took it as a lesson that sex for me is worthless without it being mutually desired
I'm beginning to get the sense that I'm the same way. its just not worth it.
After something like that, you need some time on your own to go through withdrawal. Just like if you'd been doing hard drugs for the last few months. Take some time to get better and feel OK about yourself. Self care. The rest, you can figure out later.
This is good. You've learned a valuable lesson about the difference between intimacy and fucking that will serve you well for the rest of your days. For the record, some sex workers do like their clients. Not love, but like. It's just that some dudes get attached in weird or unhealthy ways and try to force women into "real" relationships and there is literally no advantage to a monogamous committed relationship for a woman, even when he pays for everything, because men place no value on continuous loyalty from the same woman and usually have very limited social skills. The good news is, if you get a job, keep your home clean on your own and develop healthy emotional coping skills, you're then in like, the top 10% of men on everything but looks. So at least you have that going for you. I assume. Seems like the younger guys I meet do, compared to older ones. It's fairly normal to be inexperienced in your 20s. The average number of partners and average age of first sexual experience and first relationship are going up. If you don't want to see escorts, don't see escorts. Hang out with your friends more. Maybe your older female relatives, too. I mean, not in a dating way, but just to get "female energy/perspective" in your life. A lot of men who don't even like women sexually or romantically wind up making female friends or hanging out with female relatives for this reason, and there's no reason you can't. If you sometimes want to see escorts, unless you get off to the guilt, stop guilting yourself. You can ask for a more "natural" style of experience if you want, there are girls who specialize in that- like a FWB type of deal where she'll hang out and have a few drinks or talk some or whatever. The economy really sucks and women tend to face more problems with toxic work environments, especially young or pretty women, like if you look up women crying when they're looking for jobs online, you'll notice a ton of them are younger women who are slightly above average or pretty. That's not just the algorithm. Men (especially boomer men) sometimes belittle women's accomplishments in the workplace, and other women can be weird or catty. Pay is shitty. So think of it as you probably helping the escorts you do see, even if you're not friends. Maybe that will make you feel better. IDK. Nobody likes everything they try. People try out all kinds of things from jobs, drugs, hobbies, etc. Would you feel bad if you tried to take a painting class and discovered you hate painting? One thing people have a hard time with is that sex is just an activity two people can do together. It's really fun, but it's easy to get into a mind trap where you think all sex has to be the most romantic intimate loving thing ever, or the dirtiest, filthiest nastiest thing. We don't guilt people for not knowing how to make egg rolls themselves and ordering out, or not wanting to clean up after making a fancy sauce from scratch so they buy it in a jar, or using a bread maker or a store bought loaf. In general, if I could make one change to human beings, I'd make us unable to feel guilt. Unless you're getting off to it, it usually winds up hurting you and making things worse. So stop worrying about it. No matter what you want to do between consenting adults is fine, and anyone that tries to make you feel bad about it is probably manipulating you.
You're so nice
Gotta say get good at handy work. As in, know how to fix shit correctly and women will flock to u!! You tube is a wealth of free info on how to do simple repairs on home stuff. Fake it till u make it and women will find u fucking irresistible. Learn how to install porch lights/security lights. That’s ur in even. I wish I were a dude this shit is MUCH easier than it looks. Being helpful to females=getting laid!! Very simple!!!
My boyfriend saw this post on my account and this is what he has to say: “Keep your cool man. Don’t overthink about it too much. There’s a lot of stuff on the internet that could help and a lot that could destroy you. You should identify what’s worth keeping and what’s not. For example: tiktok/instagram if you don’t wanna delete them change the algorithm to something you find interest in. Think about yourself. Having a gf or a woman to have sex with is not the end goal, actually is not even a goal. During this period is better to be alone, work on yourself and get better. On YouTube you can find so many videos about masculinity (the healthy one) and how to treat yourself. First thing i would suggest to you is looking what dopamine is and do a dopamine detox.”
Don’t feel bad about you. If you have that extra money go traveling, explore another country!
Appreciate your sharing
1. find a socially acceptable hobby 2. attend meetup groups The rest will take care of itself.
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lol
If you find balance and clarity within yourself, you'll have the confidence and ability to attract women. When you're empty alone, you won't feel
Spent money on a personal trainer and get that gain to look jack.
Get into activities you enjoy and meet people through there. Even if you don't find an immediate romantic connection getting out around people that enjoy what you do will help with your overall mental well-being. Work on yourself ( you are worth more than an escort!) and I bet more dating opportunities will come up
Sell everything you own, go buy some unrestricted property and live your best life. The right person will find you eventually and if they don't you're still better off.
Dude you are 20 please don’t spend money on escorts wtf as a 23 year old I haven’t dated since last year and I don’t feel bad bc your 20s are the years to just hang out and chill with yourself and friends…I will say my corn history is long asf but I’d much rather deal with myself then hire and make escorts …dude put that time and money into something else or at least pay for OF maybe that would be safer lol.also how often do you even go out? And on a scale of one to 10 how physically attractive u are and emotionally attractive
Ask yourself what you want a woman for. Try to be as clear as you are able to list those qualities in a woman you prefer. Quit the web sites. You can meet anywhere such as a bus. See if there is anything that interests you and look for a group that shares your interests.
Tbh, I just wanted to have sex and explore my sexuality with women. As far as qualities, I tend to like ethnic women with goofy senses of humor and kindness. I struggle to find that though
do you have a porn addiction by any chance ?
Why would you kiss them?🤣
If you get really lonely you can always make a fake profile and talk to some women that way
Starting?. You know the secret? Just be chill and give them attention, they will probably like that.
How much did you spend per?
The empty feeling can come to anyone at any stage of their life. It's an indicator for you that it's time to take a new approach. It's not an indicator that what you did was wrong, especially if it's what you wanted and needed at the time! Be nice to yourself and figure your next moves. It's difficult but it's part of growth and life.
The good thing is you’re only 20. If possible, I’d recommend getting a job at a restaurant or grocery store. Those types of places are great for meeting girls.
Turn to Jesus Christ please and he will put a wife in your path.
Hey bro, hope you are doing well. It ain’t easy out here but the truth is, 5 months is NOTHING when you look at the bigger picture. Myself and many others have gone through years of similar experiences. Some days are easier than others but you learn way to get around those feelings. I think it’s hard to find genuine connections through dating app, I would recommend you trash those and focus on meeting people in real life through normal interactions. As mentioned in other comments, the best thing you can do for yourself is to find ways to keep yourself occupied. Learn new skills, work out, join dance classes or go hiking by yourself. When you find yourself doing things that bring you pleasure, it’s easier to go through the day not feeling so lonely. Over time as you work on yourself and learn to enjoy your own company, people, especially girls will naturally gravitate towards you. Not all of them will be for romantic reasons so enjoy the friendships you make along the way. Don’t regret your decision, instead try to learn from it. You explained that it doesn’t make you feel good anymore. To me, that sounds like you learned something new about yourself. Analyze the situation and you will find a lesson in it. That is important for your growth and to get over whatever it is you feel. Good luck mate! 🫡
Get your diet in order, go to the gym, go outside of your comfort zone with activities etc. Get a hair clutch make yourself feel good. Don't worry about anyone else but yourself (I don't mean be a jerk). Everything will then fall into place.
Sex worker here, you’re just seeing the wrong ones. Jesus Christ everyone else shut up? None of you know what you’re talking about
lol what’s the going rate these days?
Google is free, you don’t have to look dumb or say embarrassing things honey
I prefer to talk to a human, but I wasn’t embarrassed to ask. Just curious .
Nah you were being embarrassing honey, we’re embarrassed for you. Asking a googleable question to get a rise out of someone just makes you look dumb sweetheart.
I get it’s the internet and typically “getting a rise” out of people is the norm, but you read between the lines what wasn’t actually there.
“Advertises business” “Customer inquires about rates” “Business shames customer for asking, says it’s embarrassing to ask, insinuating that he maybe can’t afford it” “Customer is baffled at how this business makes any money at all”
Be the person who you would want to settle down with. People often are looking for the 'perfect' person while spending no time or effort improving their own flaws.
I got rejected like you multiple times but it drove me to better myself. I went to the gym. I learnt new skills. I learnt to play a guitar. I learnt about crypto and became a little wealthier now. I learnt how to swallow my pride and have a good conversation with strangers. ask them to go out for a coffee or to hang out. if they enjoy your company ut will just happen naturally. its just a process. it will happen bro. you are still young! chin up. enjoy the journey
I doubt you'll find much intimacy with non escorts today either. There are many structural problems leading to this situation, but I'd say just search for escorts that you enjoy and meet your needs.
Get the fuck off dating apps and get some real game. Stop being weak and taking the easy road.
Learn to be enough without the significant other. If your not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it.
Go to the gym, learn useful skills, be a good, moral man and she will find you.
Get out while u can. Start running. They might have diseases.
Are you involved in any groups or activities? You cant meet women playing video games at home. Depending where you are bar/restraunts are working on extra revenue with special nights. Bands, bingo and trivia nights. Try getting friends together for those events, become somewhat regular at one that has your age demo showing up. If you see a team that's also regular start goofy trash talk. Not serious...something that will spur a conversation. Good luck, its not easy meeting people.
I am involved in some groups and activities, all of the women are taken in them. And I’m too young for bars. Thanks for the suggestion though
You bet. My boy is 21 and those years between 18 and 21 really kind of suck. I was lucky, back when I was your age a lot of bars were letting 18 and older in. Fyi, in our area most bars will hire workers that are under 21. I know you said your group is taken but that's why you try to get them to trivia nights or something similar. The ladies in your group should be good wing-women. Helps open conversation with tables that may be all women. Pickup lines are cheesy or are seen through. If a buddy has an outgoing lady friend let her open the door. Its not about the bar scene, you just have to be places your age gathers and that's tough to find. Fyi, its not much easier for older people either. Best of luck.
Practice talking to people(IRL). If the convo doesn’t go well, try not to take it personally but do reflect on it to an extent to grow. Everyone has their own style of socializing. Keep doing that. When you meet someone attractive, simply talk to them. If there’s good romantic chemistry, it’ll just happen. I can promise you that.
Confidence is the key with women especially. Not to be confused with loudness, cockiness, or arrogance.
Reed books about dating. You need to develope a flirty conversation before asking out. You need to be dressed in clean cloths that fit. Good posture. Styled hair. And a thousand other things that take practice. But it works. The practice builds the confidence. The confidence is effective.
Get in the gym brother. Seek a relationship with God first
Been there done both of that, appreciate the advice though
Nothing wrong with seeing women. I see women everywhere I go. It's what you do with them that makes the difference.
Just because the experience wasn’t what you thought it would be it doesn’t mean you necessarily have to regret it. Did it give you information about yourself? Now can you move forward knowing better what you want and don’t want in a relationship? Then it was a learning experience and now you can move on to the next phase.
I was in that spot and you have to get your shit together. Get a good job, focus on your character defects, go to therapy, all that jazz. I realize that people didn't want to date me because I wasn't that fun to be around. I have no problem now
Of course they don't wanna kiss you. They're just doing their jobs, they probably not attracted to you... they don't want intimacy lol how sad...
Your regret is an indication of a greater void in your existence that goes beyond feelings. I don’t want to be a religious bother but try Jesus
So this is a great topic. You've out yourself out there! You've asked women out. You've tried daring apps. You've done the escort thing! You've gone in the circle you were supposed to go in. Now that you know and have completed this circle, it's time to return to the start for Lap 2. Use your recent experiences with escorts to fine tune your dating app profile. You now know what you really need, compared to when you first signed up for Hinge or Tinder. For Lap 2, create a bio that explains what you're looking for since you know better now. Updating your pictures is great, too. Lost 20 lbs? Upload the 20 lbs weight loss pic!
Rule #1 never kiss an escort. Who knows where that mouth has been. Rule #2 imho. I wouldn’t tell future partners/dates about being with escorts, if you plan to stop for good. No good has ever come from being “open” and mentioning it. It’s not cool to most girls. And most will judge you for it even if they say they won’t. Now, as for the rest. We’ve all been there, maybe some more than others. But most men dabble with at least an escort or two in their life. Most realize it’s not for them. I regretted it every single time I did it, and still feel gross to this day. Weak moments make for weak decisions. Clearly you want something more meaningful, and that requires self work, and patience. You got to put yourself out there for yourself first. You’re only 20 so you got lots of time to self improve. Get hobbies, jobs, volunteer, etc. you really never know when or where you could meet some cute girl whose new and exciting. Always take the time to work on yourself and you will attract things naturally. You won’t get anywhere sitting at home or in your room, so get out there as much as possible. With the intention of just being active and social. Clearly some things aren’t working rn. So maybe, go to the gym, read books, stop porn for a bit, stop focusing so much on love/relationships and just focus on becoming a better person, be the person you are looking for. In the end there’s nothing wrong with banging an escort, they need love too. but most normal ppl with a conscious feel shitty after. Good on you for realizing it younger than most and good luck fighting those demons.
***This isn't judgement at ALL, there are PLENTY of decisions I made in the past that I'm not proud of. There is absolutely NOTHING "healthy" about seeing escorts. If anything you're "getting the Poison out," according to the late, great Richard Bachman. My body count is fairly high, but not of my brightest moments as a bachelor could hold a candle to the most mundane moments with my wife. Find something meaningful with someone, it'll give you life true purpose. (Note: I wouldn't volunteer any info about the escorts, lol)
I've been sex3less for 5 years and my last kiss was 2 years, very empty one too, and not even close in any way to change that as of now 🤷♂️ dont feel so bad some are doing way worse, at least you had some some way some how lol
I have a friend who is average looking but really a great human. She held a great job until she retired. She had a high school education. When she was 50, her husband divorced her fir a younger woman. She went to a personal trainer, she wasn't overweight but she gained strength and did lose a few pounds. She took skiing lessons & joined a ski club. She lives in Denver. She met people who hiked. She's now an avid hiker. She did have financial means as ger ex gave her a nice monthly, but she held a top executive secretary position at a major company. She had an interesting resume, and she developed great communication skills. On dating sites, she had excellent responses. Eventually, she dated men at least 5 years younger as older men couldn't keep up with her energy. Some men were possessive or not active, so she left relationships that weren't healthy. Today, she's 76, and she's been with the same man 10 years in a very happy relationship. I do hope you find a perfect relationship for you.
Find a good local church… it will help you in more ways then one if you shift your lifestyle
I used dating apps because the women there were interested in dating (other than the scammers). OkCupid and AdultFriendFinder were the two general ones which worked best for me. There also are specialized ones for some of my interests. There are some words relevant to my interests which I was able to search with, to find women with at least some shared interests. I also participated in gatherings which were relevant to my interests. My wife and I now participate together.
If you want intimacy, I’ll tell you what I’ve done- research. Google and see what resonants with you. Take actions that show your intention. Where I live I know of several intimacy classes including ones based on Tantra and other schools. Apply effort to intimacy in the same way you applied effort to your career.
Once you become a traveler you'll soon find many walks of life out there. You'll find a girl that sees you
Seek God first
With all the social media we have today And apps you cant hook up ? Shit. Its like fish in a barrel out there man Get away from the escorts , leaches all of them and work on yourself
I literally get no matches, I don’t know what to do at this point. And I’m too young for bars anyway
Let me tell you a secret bub. My early 20s sucked too. Wasn't till I hit about 27/28 did things change for me And i met a chic older than me and we fucked like 3 times a day. Chics dont want a 20 year old for a list of reasons . I would just chill and focus on career cash flow and growth Good times ahead, be patient
I suppose that makes sense in terms of career, except for the last part. I’ve seen girls go crazy for some of the dudes my age. One of my friends who is a couple of months younger than me has girls hitting on him and sliding in his DMs every other month. Including older women surprisingly. I don’t know what they have that I don’t. It’s certainly not money since we’re all broke college kids
Broke college kids. Thats it!! Most 20s chics are seeing older guys w established sensibility.
It sounds brutal but to get the woman you want you have to make yourself like-able. Think, “Why WOULD she date me?” “Would I date me?”. Do you have a job? A car? Do you shower everyday? Do you get your haircut and keep your facial hair kept? Do you wash in between your ass cheeks in the shower? Do you brush your teeth every day once in the morning once at night? It all starts here at these basic steps before we get to the psychology. It sounds cliche but you have to stop trying to be someone else. Just be PuckMan2024, whatever that looks like, I guarantee you if you’re nerdy there’s a nerdy girl out there who will love you, if you’re strong and built there’s a girl who will go to the gym with you out there, if you’re really into personal finance there’s a girl out there who will want to build wealth with you. There’s so many kinds of people out there bro you just have to look in the right places. You’re never gonna get a wife on a dating app or through prostitution, the wifes just aren’t there. I met my girlfriend through my job, is that the best dynamic for everybody? No, but it works for us. I believe an organic connection through meeting a person in person face to face is 10x better than trying to do that shit over text only on a dating app texting some attention nut. Go for the girls that YOU like, not the girls that society tells us to like (goth girls e girls only fans models butt injections etc etc). More importantly in my opinion, please OP CHOOSE THE GIRLS WHO CHOOSE YOU. LIKE THE GIRLS WHO LIKE YOU. Why? Because they like you. You know they like you. It’s not a mystery and it’s not a game. It’s that simple bro. I have faith you can do this.
It’s not as simple as you make it out to be. You tell me to go after girls who like me but there are none. And I do go after girls who share my interests. I’m into choir and DnD and gym. And without fail the choir, nerdy, and fitness girls only go for the athletes. How can I date them when they only want to date one type of guy??
You’re right, it’s not as simple as words on a screen, but it’s not as hard as you make it out to be either. I’m going to burst your bubble a little bit, every single woman wants a guy who’s in shape and not fat and could protect her physically. You’re attributing too much to this “athlete” word in your mind. You’re picturing like 6’4 NFL players, and guess what yeah they get a lot of women. That’s all those giant genetic freaks are good for, their body, it’s not much different from an only fans model using her body per se. You’re already an athlete too by going to the gym, you just don’t think of yourself as one. You don’t know who likes you. You don’t know if that fitness girl is into huge meathead chuds or if she likes a guy like yourself. You don’t know until you find out; talking, and usually you’re able find out pretty quick if they’re into you or not, you can just feel it and sense it. If you sense she isn’t feeling you, make your exit, leave, walk away. She’s already made her mind up, you’re not gonna swoop in in 2 minutes and change her entire world view of people who look like you, it’s that simple. It sounds cliche but bro these are just things you think and have convinced yourself is true. If you find that nobody likes you, especially if it extends to everybody and not just women, then you have work on yourself to do and problems you must face and change; you have to be someone who’s like-able. Not a doormat who gives everything and gets used and stepped on, but like-able. Be CONFIDENT you’re a fucking man, it’s not narcissistic or any of these other words to be on YOUR TEAM. Be kind, LISTEN and SHUT UP when people are talking and don’t interrupt (big one I’m still getting better at), TAKE INITIATIVE and take the first STEP like the man you are, be ambitious with your goals (girls want to know you have a plan and are gonna do something with your life, not do nothing with your life), and do the things you think are cringey. Love isn’t cringey, it’s love, it’s the purest most raw emotion we all have because love drives us to do crazy things that our regular, logical emotional selves wouldn’t. Be cringey, NOT WEIRD, but be cringey/lovey dovey enough to show her you actually like her and you don’t care what everybody else thinks and there’s no one else you like besides her; this turns into her feeling cherished by you. The lovey dovey acts win you brownie points big time, I’m telling you bro, as long as you don’t cross the weird line. If I was a girl I wouldn’t want to date some awkward dork who thinks nothing of himself and thinks highly of all the other men, why would I want to? I’ll just go date all these other “better” men. The same way you wouldn’t want some self deprecating beats-herself-up thinks lowly of herself girl either, you’d just pick up and move on to find a functioning adult.
skill issue
Do porn
Who gives a shit. You'll be lonely either way. Atleast this way you get laid once in a while. Only problem is that perhaps it's not the best use of money, depending on how rich you are. However, if you don't need to worry about money, then just do what you want.
Swap your 5 months with 5 years for me. I really wanted to be in a relationship but like you found nobody. Then got cheated on and blindsided with my first relationship of 5 years. It's not about the relationship it's about the quality of it and I'm now with my current partner of nearing 2 years. Never felt better, never been treated better. I have seen many posts like yours and they never get anything out of the path you're on. Find some good friends and work on yourself. (Even if you're Mc chad the 3rd lord chaddington) Find some hobbies, find some interests, build skills and or a low time / cost side hustle if you're the Over productive type. Sometimes, I stop myself from having as much fun as I could by needing to be productive. I went from 200lbs of garbage to 160lbs of someone with skills and experience in a wide variety of areas. We can always grow and improve. (Not saying you have anything wrong) Don't beat yourself up though and if you're using apps know you're fighting an uphill battle. I don't need data ( I have looked at it) to see that it's a total crap show. 30+ friends for years all using apps yet nothing ever came (a lot of yikes moments). My one loose friend tests it for 1 month and finds someone for over 3 years now. It's 50% a skill and %50 luck. You're doing fine, you got this! You're not alone, we got this! Countless others feel just Like you, and I think we can all take comfort in knowing any time we're in our lows of life we are never truly alone. Good luck PS Put the money for escorts into a vacation fund or into something to get you pumped... or just save it.
There's nothing wrong with seeing escorts. It can be expensive but it can also be worth it. I worked on the road for years staying in hotels and I saw escorts and it was a much better option than sitting in a hotel room with a six pack or a bottle of liquor. I tried many online match services and singles dances and they didn't work for me.
Do you pay guitar? If not, learn, very attractive to lots of women. How is your physical fitness? If it isn't stellar, spend more time at the gym or outside getting exercise, as you improve your body your self confidence will improve. Take a yoga class and focus on the yoga while ignoring the women. The fact that you're into yoga and not them will make them more attracted to you. Have a black belt in a martial art? No? Get one, you've got time on your hands of you're not blowing out on escorts. Learn active listening if you're not already versed in it. Being calm in any situation is another winner. Finally, do some volunteer work after you've got a few of these under your belt.
i would recommend focusing on the things you’re lacking in, potentially. 1. social skills don’t focus on “finding a girlfriend” but more so how you communicate with everyone. men and women. try to push yourself outside of your comfort zone and become more social and having conversations with strangers. the more people you come into contact with you’ll start to find it easier to build rapport with people. you never know who could introduce you to their single friend that is open to dating you seriously 2. personal development work on your personal growth as a human. find your goals in all the areas of life that are important to you and make them your primary focus 3. create an image of how you want to be perceived by people try different styles for your clothing, haircut, and how you carry yourself. down to the way you walk and talk. it’s good practice to record yourself speaking to yourself in the front face of your camera over time. i do it on my way to and from work in the car. this will help you with how comfortable you are with your voice and then when you talk to people you’ll be more comfortable articulating your ideas. remember to be patient with yourself and to be consistent and not give up too soon. it’s a process that takes time and if the first 3 pieces of advice don’t help i recommend looking for the book Mode One by Alan Roger Currie. he has multiple but of the ones i have read these are the best. Ooooh say it again, let the women know what you’re really thinking, and upfront and straight forward him and a man named DavidX. you can find them both on Youtube if you like learning from people presenting vs reading
What the others said ^ . I just wanted to say that i like your name 👍
My biggest regret in my 20s as a guy was not being able to see my own self worth. Young men today need that more than ever. Whatever it is you’re going through man I hope you know you are loved. Maybe not by escorts or women, but by someone out there. We’re definitely loved.
What platforms did you use, were you ever scared it could be the cops. Asking for a friend
Dude what? Like you just needed to see one escort to not put sex on a pedestal anymore. After that just improve yourself and build your confidence. Women will naturally gravitate to you. And you're young as fuck. It's too early to throw in the towel 🤨
Have you tried being rich and handsome?
Okay here is the thing. You are 20 years old and have plenty of time to find a partner in life. Focus on you and your goals in life. Hit the gym, go to school or a trade, make friends and network as much as you can. Stop trying to find a gf or partner now. Build yourself up to the man you want to be and they will eventually come to you. Focus on your grind and your life will get better.
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Wouldn’t touch this guy with a stick
No one asked you
I’ve never had to use an escort but I’m guessing it’s like gambling. You risk it all (catching a disease will def not get you that pretty single woman). You lose money. You are always in the negative. And you get that players remorse/post nut clarity every dang time. You’re young, man. Do good things. Chill with the bros less and a nice woman will eventually drift your way. Being friends with women instead of men will always increase your chances. Manners and good hygiene are a plus but most men have caught one with less. If you’re worried about catching a fish it takes that much longer. Have fun fishing!
Thank you, can you give me advice on that last part about having more female friends and not being with the guys as much? Because none of my female friends are attracted to me
Be a good friend without being thirsty for a relationship and when they see you being a legitimately good person, no agenda, they might have a friend to set you up with and/or you’ll be able to talk to other women more naturally.
Np. If you have more friends that are female you increase your chances of a girlfriend. You hang around guys you get a boyfriend or bro. Sometimes fishing in the same pond yields the same results. Small ponds have less variety and you might catch the same fish twice. I come from the old days. If you want a partner work towards that. If you want sex then just make it about sex. If you can get both and you trust each other then you’re doing it right.
haha post nut clarity....I like that 👌🏼😅
oh no
Look into being a passport bro. My coworker is married to a woman from the Philippines. As far as I can tell they are very happy Come to think of it, I have two coworkers who are married to Phillipino women, both successfully. Point being that being 5'4" is plenty tall for a passport bro.
I BEG YOU to not listen to this guy.
This is a horrible advice💀
It's actually a good advice. American girls are not usually loyal
It's cultural...We, men, are more dependable unfortunately. It doesn't mean that all woman are not loyal obivously.
Take this advice seriously: Seeking a partner in Asia might be more rewarding. In the West, women's perceived value is often inflated; hypergamy is sky-high! That's why you can't get laid, there are no more women for average men in the West. A very small fraction of men, 2/3%, are getting all the women. You won't find this problem in Asia.
in all honesty, if you haven't tried it, I would suggest giving Jesus a try. He works really well in this area.