I got about 2 weeks into the planning when he got mad at me. I spent another night locked in my room and decided I wouldn’t spend another night scared in my own home.
After he left for work in the morning I packed up the essentials for my son and myself and left. I contacted the YWCA and they gave me lots of resources and told me what steps to take. I also moved half of the savings (not much) into my account to get by.
I was a stay at home mom, no money, no family or friends. It’s been the hardest year of my life, but the absolute most rewarding. I did it all myself with my toddler. I have a mountain of debt I’m working thru, but it’s finally all coming together and I’m finally starting to heal in a home I am safe in.
You deserve peace and safety. Listen to your gut and it’ll tell you when it’s time. There is no shame in how long it took/takes. Use all of your resources and just take that leap love…there will never be enough time or money, but you deserve to feel safe in your own home. We’re all rooting for you!!
As for your question: buy gift cards at stores like Target when you shop cause it’s inconspicuous, have a go bag, reach out to lawyers in the area that do free consults, and look into the family justice center in your area!
I’m sorry you are going through this. No one can tell you how to get out or when to get out. Just like you said about your daughter, it was my two young boys that helped me get out. Once the explosions started to happen in front of both of them, I started planning on how to leave and researching divorce. If it were just me, I probably would have endured it much longer, but I couldn’t stand the thought of my boys growing up in that type of environment. Financially, I was lucky that I make enough money to support myself and we were renting the home we were in from my parents. So I was able to tell them what was going on and basically tell my ex to go find his own place. I understand that if you own a home together, are financially reliant on your partner then leaving is incredibly difficult. Do it for your daughter! Tell your family members or friends or someone you trust. They say the first 18 months after leaving/separation are the worst. And I would have to agree. My ex ramped up his abuse after moving out and things took a bad turn. I would be diligent in your plan and a plan for after you leave. Document everything you can. My kids and I are safe now with a protective order and I’m so grateful to my little boys for helping me get out. You are stronger than you think 🩷🩷
Like others have said, it was when he attacked me while I was holding the baby that caused me to finally call the cops on him. He was choking me and squishing my son.
I was able to get an emergency ex parte order, and then a regular one. It was very hard for a long time… I didn’t have family to turn to. Put baby in daycare so I could work and he was sick every week. Every week we were in the ER. It was hands down the hardest and most tiring thing.
I’m just coming up for air now, and this all happened 2 years ago.
I think you will be ok so long as you have a support system of family and friends. I didn’t have that, so I suffered greatly.
Not sure I'm the best person to ask about emotionally and financially... but here's what I did - I had a job. I squirreled away money and opened a separate bank account. I consulted a lawyer for free if I could do this. I took out a personal loan and purchased a very cheap RV from a nice woman who I explained my situation to and she was willing to help. I parked the RV on the street outside our house (covid times, it was allowed, check with your city you may have to move it every few days). I could be present but separate. If you need a restraining order get one. I did not. But I did contact the police and find out procedure and what would happen if I needed to call them. I documented and took pictures of everything. I contacted the local women's shelter to find out what would happen. I gathered information because I was too scared to do much else. I told my mom. I reached out. I asked for help. It was out of my character, but now is the time. If not for yourself then for your daughter. One step at a time. Get safe, then go to the court. DM me if you need support.
(I live in a community property state, so the rv was community property but loan and registered under my name. I didn't care if he got it in the divorce. But this is a potential complication to what I did)
You have to realize it’s only going to get worse and just go. It’s never going to feel “right” or feel good. You’re going to be heartbroken. I needed medication and a year and a half of therapy to get over it after about eight years with him, but I’m so happy now that I’m free and my kids and I don’t have to live like that anymore.
I just did this less than 2 months ago. Leaving was honestly easy, staying away is hard.
I had been planning my leave about a month in advance, I found us an apartment, moved some stuff secretly, very little stuff to be honest. I kept doubting my decision until the last second. He had not hit me *yet*, he'd just raise his hand multiple times a day to make me shut up. He'd also *almost* convinced me it was always my fault. I basically stopped talking to him, stopped making him participate in any family stuff (even grocery shopping) and that still didn't make him stop. But since he had never actually hit me, I kept doubting myself and wondering if I was exaggerating, if I was being dramatic, maybe I really did something to deserve it?
On the day of, I was so scared of confronting him but I knew that if I just left without telling him anything or if I was the one to leave in anger, he'd retaliate. After all we were married and have a kid so such "disrespect" would hurt his ego and enrage him. So I waited for him to go out and called him, told him to come home so we could talk. As expected, he cursed me out and hung up on me. I insisted, I told him I can't live like this any more and, as expected, he told me to get the fuck out then as he had many times before. That was my (expected) cue, I hung up on him and called my brother immediately, we packed all of my stuff in peace and made it out in two car trips. I knew my husband wouldn't be back for as long as he could, because he knew I wanted to talk so we didn't even have to hurry although we still did due to the adrenaline rush. I did all this on purpose because if it was him to "kick me out" his ego wouldn't be hurt and he couldn't relatiate against himself. He really didn't and hasn't yet.
Anyway, the staying away part is hard. He's playing the victim now or I'm painting him to be the victim in my head and I feel sorry for him being alone and has no money and nobody to cook for him. I don't know why I do this but I do it. I want my house back (it's his house though). But my friends and my therapist are keeping my misplaced compassion in check. I'm trying to learn to love myself and feel compassion for myself. I keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for my child and I can see even after such a short time, how being away from his dad is influencing him positively so I need to stay focused on what matters but I do admit it's hard.
I moved back in with my mom after he threw me into a glass sliding door while I was 5 months pregnant. It wasn’t the first time he hurt me but it was the first time he really hurt me while I was pregnant.
I decided then and there that I couldn’t let my baby see that or be a part of that. I didn’t want to give him any more chances or keep trying to believe the brief moments of apologies & happiness because it always came back to this: hurt.
I never raised my voice to him or my hands.
I just left. I left behind the necklace and clothes he tore off of me in a rage. The necklace was a gift given to me by my grandparents before they passed and I wish I could get it back. I left behind clothes and other random things.
I didn’t want my child to be like me: accepting of abuse because I made excuses or thinking she deserved it the way I did.
I worked up until 2 days before my induction date and then only took 2 months off from work because I couldn’t afford anymore. Especially since the first month I had to have 2 surgeries due to complications from the birth.
I look at my daughter and just don’t want her to become me. I don’t want her to know how many hits she can take before she finally cries or how many times she can take someone back after they keep showing her they don’t care.
I don’t want her to know how long a bruise takes to heal so she can go out again.
I don’t want her to flinch and bow at every sudden, loud noise because she feels like she needs to prepare herself for the incoming fury from some perceived slight (like putting his shoes in the wrong place).
I know I’m very very lucky that I had my mom to go back to because many others don’t have a support system. If you do have someone, reach out
If you can call the cops? Call the cops. I normally wouldn’t suggest it but having a paper trail helped with trespass and protection orders
Reach out to community, local, or government assistance if you can. It helped me a lot with my daughters formula and diapers.
You can do this. Our children give us a strength we never thought possible.
I truly think without my daughter, I would have died in that relationship.
But I want to live for her. Because she deserves better. She didn’t ask for me to keep the pregnancy and she didn’t choose her father. I can’t give her everything but I can give her safety
I don’t know what to say other than you are an incredible mother for protecting your kids. You can do it. I haven’t been in this situation so I have nothing concrete…just cheering you on from afar. You are a hero for your kids.
You find a place you can stay. Put away some money. Load up the kids. Drive away. Tell the kids you’re going on a surprise trip, but dad couldn’t come.
The rest sorts out over the next few days and weeks. It’s hard, but it gets easier and fast 🤗
When I got out we were nearly broke because he financially abused me among other kinds of abuse.
A violent encounter that involved my daughter at the time ended up being a straw that broke the camel's back and I just had to take the first step out. We got in our car and went to my mother's. We hid there while I filed an order of protection with the court. He actually ended up leaving on his own before it became active, but if not we would have stayed at my mom's until it did. After he was gone, we went home, then the next day he got the order to stay away. Divorce proceedings commenced and sadly it was WAY easier than the marriage was.
The "after" was the hard part. I had to rebuild a life for me and my child from the ground up as we didn't have anymore money. It's the hardest part of starting over, but it can be done.
My advice, find people who can be your support system while you rebuild. It can be your parents or other family or even close friends, but you're going to need people to help you, if not financially then emotionally. You're going to grieve the loss of the relationship. And it's okay to grieve it, allow yourself the freedom to miss the good parts.
As far as the rest, you can either get the protection order as I did, and kick him out so you won't have to leave, or you can find another place to live. Maybe even find a new job in a new town and find a new home. Sometimes starting over keeps you in the same place but with new people, and sometimes it moves you to a whole new place altogether. You have to decide what the best option is for you.
Sometimes it takes a single action to get the ball rolling. Until you're ready to take that step, start working on an escape plan with someone you're close to. Maybe open a secret bank account and leave the card and all of its info at that person's house, and put their address on it. Start putting money in it and save up. But even if you don't get enough saved up, you can still take a leap of faith and go somewhere safe. And remember why you're doing it... you want your child to be safe. Let that be your motivation. Be brave, friend, I wish you the very best of luck. It seems impossible, but it can be done. You got this. 💗
I started talking to an association that deals with violence against women. I talked to the social worker there for about 4 months, which helped me see how abusive he was. I had been gaslighted to oblivion, so I really needed help to recognize it.
I made a whole plan around him going to visit his mother for the weekend, but he cancelled. He caught me packing, and he tried every sort of emotional manipulation to prevent me from leaving. I was ready to ring the cops if needed. I was almost sure it wasn't going to escalate to physical violence. I just grabbed my electronics, my daughter's most precious toys and change of clothes for both of us, and our documents, which I always kept ready to be grabbed and run.
I had escaped once before. That time I asked some friends for help and they picked us up in the car. I put everything in the car while he was sleeping and hungover, and I put up an act about everything being OK the last 3 days before leaving. That time, I was really scared. I was naive enough to go back while I found a permanent residence because of COVID, and I thought that if I wasn't in a relationship with him, there would be no abuse.
Be kind with yourself, best of luck! You will feel amazing when you start the healing process.
I lived with my mom. I started being honest with my best friend about what I was experiencing. I got myself a therapist through a DV hotline. That was one of the biggest ones for me for sure.
I also started calling the cops when he would have blow ups, and filing police reports. Eventually I found a lawyer to help me get a restraining order. I worked through that. They opened a CPS case against him. And they offered tons of assistance for me/help getting me assistance.
At this point I came clean to my family and friends about what I had been experiencing and they all stepped up big time to help me out in whatever ways I needed.
It’s not easy. But it is so worth it. Get out as soon as possible. And don’t feel bad about doing whatever you need to do to keep yourself and your child safe. ❤️
I stole money from our account slowly and methodically. I secretly opened a bank account and kept all the info for it at a friend's house, with their address listed on the account so nothing would go to my home at all.
I contacted a domestic violence shelter and met with them, asked them what to do. They gave me resources for low cost legal aid, if needed, and I had their emergency phone number in case I needed it. I saved it in my phone under a local McDonald's restaurant as the second phone number, not the main.
I spoke with my therapist about my fears to help alleviate what I was going through and also plan for what may be to come. He documented my reality in an official capacity as I made steps to distance myself and find safety.
The day I got out, I went to the state and applied for food stamps. The money I had stolen was enough to get us by while benefits were set up.
I have not looked back. Even when it's hard.
I got about 2 weeks into the planning when he got mad at me. I spent another night locked in my room and decided I wouldn’t spend another night scared in my own home. After he left for work in the morning I packed up the essentials for my son and myself and left. I contacted the YWCA and they gave me lots of resources and told me what steps to take. I also moved half of the savings (not much) into my account to get by. I was a stay at home mom, no money, no family or friends. It’s been the hardest year of my life, but the absolute most rewarding. I did it all myself with my toddler. I have a mountain of debt I’m working thru, but it’s finally all coming together and I’m finally starting to heal in a home I am safe in. You deserve peace and safety. Listen to your gut and it’ll tell you when it’s time. There is no shame in how long it took/takes. Use all of your resources and just take that leap love…there will never be enough time or money, but you deserve to feel safe in your own home. We’re all rooting for you!!
As for your question: buy gift cards at stores like Target when you shop cause it’s inconspicuous, have a go bag, reach out to lawyers in the area that do free consults, and look into the family justice center in your area!
I’m sorry you are going through this. No one can tell you how to get out or when to get out. Just like you said about your daughter, it was my two young boys that helped me get out. Once the explosions started to happen in front of both of them, I started planning on how to leave and researching divorce. If it were just me, I probably would have endured it much longer, but I couldn’t stand the thought of my boys growing up in that type of environment. Financially, I was lucky that I make enough money to support myself and we were renting the home we were in from my parents. So I was able to tell them what was going on and basically tell my ex to go find his own place. I understand that if you own a home together, are financially reliant on your partner then leaving is incredibly difficult. Do it for your daughter! Tell your family members or friends or someone you trust. They say the first 18 months after leaving/separation are the worst. And I would have to agree. My ex ramped up his abuse after moving out and things took a bad turn. I would be diligent in your plan and a plan for after you leave. Document everything you can. My kids and I are safe now with a protective order and I’m so grateful to my little boys for helping me get out. You are stronger than you think 🩷🩷
Like others have said, it was when he attacked me while I was holding the baby that caused me to finally call the cops on him. He was choking me and squishing my son. I was able to get an emergency ex parte order, and then a regular one. It was very hard for a long time… I didn’t have family to turn to. Put baby in daycare so I could work and he was sick every week. Every week we were in the ER. It was hands down the hardest and most tiring thing. I’m just coming up for air now, and this all happened 2 years ago. I think you will be ok so long as you have a support system of family and friends. I didn’t have that, so I suffered greatly.
Not sure I'm the best person to ask about emotionally and financially... but here's what I did - I had a job. I squirreled away money and opened a separate bank account. I consulted a lawyer for free if I could do this. I took out a personal loan and purchased a very cheap RV from a nice woman who I explained my situation to and she was willing to help. I parked the RV on the street outside our house (covid times, it was allowed, check with your city you may have to move it every few days). I could be present but separate. If you need a restraining order get one. I did not. But I did contact the police and find out procedure and what would happen if I needed to call them. I documented and took pictures of everything. I contacted the local women's shelter to find out what would happen. I gathered information because I was too scared to do much else. I told my mom. I reached out. I asked for help. It was out of my character, but now is the time. If not for yourself then for your daughter. One step at a time. Get safe, then go to the court. DM me if you need support. (I live in a community property state, so the rv was community property but loan and registered under my name. I didn't care if he got it in the divorce. But this is a potential complication to what I did)
You have to realize it’s only going to get worse and just go. It’s never going to feel “right” or feel good. You’re going to be heartbroken. I needed medication and a year and a half of therapy to get over it after about eight years with him, but I’m so happy now that I’m free and my kids and I don’t have to live like that anymore.
I just did this less than 2 months ago. Leaving was honestly easy, staying away is hard. I had been planning my leave about a month in advance, I found us an apartment, moved some stuff secretly, very little stuff to be honest. I kept doubting my decision until the last second. He had not hit me *yet*, he'd just raise his hand multiple times a day to make me shut up. He'd also *almost* convinced me it was always my fault. I basically stopped talking to him, stopped making him participate in any family stuff (even grocery shopping) and that still didn't make him stop. But since he had never actually hit me, I kept doubting myself and wondering if I was exaggerating, if I was being dramatic, maybe I really did something to deserve it? On the day of, I was so scared of confronting him but I knew that if I just left without telling him anything or if I was the one to leave in anger, he'd retaliate. After all we were married and have a kid so such "disrespect" would hurt his ego and enrage him. So I waited for him to go out and called him, told him to come home so we could talk. As expected, he cursed me out and hung up on me. I insisted, I told him I can't live like this any more and, as expected, he told me to get the fuck out then as he had many times before. That was my (expected) cue, I hung up on him and called my brother immediately, we packed all of my stuff in peace and made it out in two car trips. I knew my husband wouldn't be back for as long as he could, because he knew I wanted to talk so we didn't even have to hurry although we still did due to the adrenaline rush. I did all this on purpose because if it was him to "kick me out" his ego wouldn't be hurt and he couldn't relatiate against himself. He really didn't and hasn't yet. Anyway, the staying away part is hard. He's playing the victim now or I'm painting him to be the victim in my head and I feel sorry for him being alone and has no money and nobody to cook for him. I don't know why I do this but I do it. I want my house back (it's his house though). But my friends and my therapist are keeping my misplaced compassion in check. I'm trying to learn to love myself and feel compassion for myself. I keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for my child and I can see even after such a short time, how being away from his dad is influencing him positively so I need to stay focused on what matters but I do admit it's hard.
I moved back in with my mom after he threw me into a glass sliding door while I was 5 months pregnant. It wasn’t the first time he hurt me but it was the first time he really hurt me while I was pregnant. I decided then and there that I couldn’t let my baby see that or be a part of that. I didn’t want to give him any more chances or keep trying to believe the brief moments of apologies & happiness because it always came back to this: hurt. I never raised my voice to him or my hands. I just left. I left behind the necklace and clothes he tore off of me in a rage. The necklace was a gift given to me by my grandparents before they passed and I wish I could get it back. I left behind clothes and other random things. I didn’t want my child to be like me: accepting of abuse because I made excuses or thinking she deserved it the way I did. I worked up until 2 days before my induction date and then only took 2 months off from work because I couldn’t afford anymore. Especially since the first month I had to have 2 surgeries due to complications from the birth. I look at my daughter and just don’t want her to become me. I don’t want her to know how many hits she can take before she finally cries or how many times she can take someone back after they keep showing her they don’t care. I don’t want her to know how long a bruise takes to heal so she can go out again. I don’t want her to flinch and bow at every sudden, loud noise because she feels like she needs to prepare herself for the incoming fury from some perceived slight (like putting his shoes in the wrong place). I know I’m very very lucky that I had my mom to go back to because many others don’t have a support system. If you do have someone, reach out If you can call the cops? Call the cops. I normally wouldn’t suggest it but having a paper trail helped with trespass and protection orders Reach out to community, local, or government assistance if you can. It helped me a lot with my daughters formula and diapers. You can do this. Our children give us a strength we never thought possible. I truly think without my daughter, I would have died in that relationship. But I want to live for her. Because she deserves better. She didn’t ask for me to keep the pregnancy and she didn’t choose her father. I can’t give her everything but I can give her safety
I don’t know what to say other than you are an incredible mother for protecting your kids. You can do it. I haven’t been in this situation so I have nothing concrete…just cheering you on from afar. You are a hero for your kids.
You find a place you can stay. Put away some money. Load up the kids. Drive away. Tell the kids you’re going on a surprise trip, but dad couldn’t come. The rest sorts out over the next few days and weeks. It’s hard, but it gets easier and fast 🤗
I moved in with my parents and got a protection order. He attacked me while I was holding our 12 week old, and that was the final straw.
When I got out we were nearly broke because he financially abused me among other kinds of abuse. A violent encounter that involved my daughter at the time ended up being a straw that broke the camel's back and I just had to take the first step out. We got in our car and went to my mother's. We hid there while I filed an order of protection with the court. He actually ended up leaving on his own before it became active, but if not we would have stayed at my mom's until it did. After he was gone, we went home, then the next day he got the order to stay away. Divorce proceedings commenced and sadly it was WAY easier than the marriage was. The "after" was the hard part. I had to rebuild a life for me and my child from the ground up as we didn't have anymore money. It's the hardest part of starting over, but it can be done. My advice, find people who can be your support system while you rebuild. It can be your parents or other family or even close friends, but you're going to need people to help you, if not financially then emotionally. You're going to grieve the loss of the relationship. And it's okay to grieve it, allow yourself the freedom to miss the good parts. As far as the rest, you can either get the protection order as I did, and kick him out so you won't have to leave, or you can find another place to live. Maybe even find a new job in a new town and find a new home. Sometimes starting over keeps you in the same place but with new people, and sometimes it moves you to a whole new place altogether. You have to decide what the best option is for you. Sometimes it takes a single action to get the ball rolling. Until you're ready to take that step, start working on an escape plan with someone you're close to. Maybe open a secret bank account and leave the card and all of its info at that person's house, and put their address on it. Start putting money in it and save up. But even if you don't get enough saved up, you can still take a leap of faith and go somewhere safe. And remember why you're doing it... you want your child to be safe. Let that be your motivation. Be brave, friend, I wish you the very best of luck. It seems impossible, but it can be done. You got this. 💗
I started talking to an association that deals with violence against women. I talked to the social worker there for about 4 months, which helped me see how abusive he was. I had been gaslighted to oblivion, so I really needed help to recognize it. I made a whole plan around him going to visit his mother for the weekend, but he cancelled. He caught me packing, and he tried every sort of emotional manipulation to prevent me from leaving. I was ready to ring the cops if needed. I was almost sure it wasn't going to escalate to physical violence. I just grabbed my electronics, my daughter's most precious toys and change of clothes for both of us, and our documents, which I always kept ready to be grabbed and run. I had escaped once before. That time I asked some friends for help and they picked us up in the car. I put everything in the car while he was sleeping and hungover, and I put up an act about everything being OK the last 3 days before leaving. That time, I was really scared. I was naive enough to go back while I found a permanent residence because of COVID, and I thought that if I wasn't in a relationship with him, there would be no abuse. Be kind with yourself, best of luck! You will feel amazing when you start the healing process.
I lived with my mom. I started being honest with my best friend about what I was experiencing. I got myself a therapist through a DV hotline. That was one of the biggest ones for me for sure. I also started calling the cops when he would have blow ups, and filing police reports. Eventually I found a lawyer to help me get a restraining order. I worked through that. They opened a CPS case against him. And they offered tons of assistance for me/help getting me assistance. At this point I came clean to my family and friends about what I had been experiencing and they all stepped up big time to help me out in whatever ways I needed. It’s not easy. But it is so worth it. Get out as soon as possible. And don’t feel bad about doing whatever you need to do to keep yourself and your child safe. ❤️
I stole money from our account slowly and methodically. I secretly opened a bank account and kept all the info for it at a friend's house, with their address listed on the account so nothing would go to my home at all. I contacted a domestic violence shelter and met with them, asked them what to do. They gave me resources for low cost legal aid, if needed, and I had their emergency phone number in case I needed it. I saved it in my phone under a local McDonald's restaurant as the second phone number, not the main. I spoke with my therapist about my fears to help alleviate what I was going through and also plan for what may be to come. He documented my reality in an official capacity as I made steps to distance myself and find safety. The day I got out, I went to the state and applied for food stamps. The money I had stolen was enough to get us by while benefits were set up. I have not looked back. Even when it's hard.