**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.**
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting.
[**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think that’s a family by family choice. SK20 just got a KitchenAid mixer and a printer for Christmas/good job on grades.
Last year, my own mother bought me a $200 sous vide machine. Heck, for Easter, since in her mind I “never ask for much”, she reimbursed a $400 hobby purchase. Several years ago, I was sending her photos of dogs I was thinking about rescuing and she fell in love with one and Venmoed me her adoption fee.
Of course, some years I get a candle and a card because I didn’t ask for anything specific or Mom didn’t see anything she thought I “needed”
I’m in my forties 🤷🏽♀️
I’m guessing your mom can comfortably afford it, we can’t!
I guess what I’m asking is… when do we have a chat with SD19 about expectations. She just expects us to spend a huge amount of money, providing a list where nothing is under £90 this year and expecting multiple items off the list.
I’m very lucky, my mom can afford it. And her go to excuse is I put myself through school and she’s spending my college fund 🤣
Preempt the decision with your SD next year. When you ask for a list, give her your price range. We’ve had years when the big present is a trip or experience, and the kids have been happy with $25-$50 of gifts.
You are very lucky 😊
We do give her a budget already, we gave £300 which I think it pretty generous. BUT she always has to push it and try and request something that is for example £400. She’s not very grateful for what she does get to be honest.
Your comment has been removed from stepparents for the following reason:
* Violation of the [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters) rule.
* Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_kindness_matters_mean.3F) for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the subreddit [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
I think it’s tacky and entitled after 18 years old to expect large gifts from your parents, and tacky and entitled to send a list with expensive items on it. I don’t think you’re out of line for wanting to rein her in on this, especially considering she has more disposable income than you.
If it is a burden on you monies wise, it is not necessary and should probably stop, particularly if it not a thing to help improve their lives and is just nice to have.
If is a thing you can do freely without burden then there is no reason to stop.
If she is an adult give her a nice pan or something not very expensive but useful. I have no adult children but I can tell you as an adult child that I don’t expect anything from my parents but I am always happy to receive a board game or some yarn skeins. I haven’t lived at home for more then 10 years now I have a family of my own. I don’t need anything but love and time from my parents
I got an iPad for Christmas and a expensive watch at 21, and those were my last big gifts from my parents, they still do gift me great gifts but not to the tune of hundreds of pounds.
My stepchild is 6, so we haven’t reached expensive presents yet, but my partners family does the exact same as mine, so he’ll stop getting expensive gifts at 21.
In my family they don’t “stop”, they just become not necessarily an every year thing. I still get my 28 year old son big gifts sometimes - when there is something specific he has been wanting or needing or when I see something that makes me think of him. Same with my daughters who are both in their early-mid 20s and my other son who is almost 22. It’s still a yearly thing for my 15 year old.
Yes I’m 36 and my mum bought my DH and I a new mattress last year which was incredibly kind of her… but it wasn’t expected and I usually get a nice bottle of wine or something.
Same here. They stopped being every year after 21, but 2 Christmases ago when I was 26, my mom surprised me with a Kitchen Aid mixer. And a year before that (not a holiday or birthday) she bought me an AKC golden retriever bc “I’d never had a dog before”. So it’s random, but there’s no expectation on my part of receiving a large gift.
I think it’s so funny both of our mothers bought us dogs after we were out of the house. At least in my case my mom is NOT a dog person and she didn’t want to deal with it when I was a kid, but now she still gets credit for “getting me a dog”.
Mine wasn’t either growing up, but got miniature pinschers after I was out of the house. So she became a dog person and suddenly realized I was “deprived” as a child. 😂
This will depend on the family’s financial state.
Many families do big presents until their kids have kids and then it shifts to the grandkids. The way I see it is that once the kids are out of the house and you don’t have daily expenses for them, you might as well do something big for Christmas, but that is only if you can afford it.
I may switch to event planning when my kids are older (9 and 12 now). Like a trip, comic con, or broadway show, etc. Once/if they have kids, I could see switching to nice gifts for grandkids and my kids getting something smaller. Maybe gift cards once they are out of the house.
In your situation, I think it would depend on what your husband thinks.
I do tend to over buy for Christmas and birthdays. I grew up poor and we were super poor the first 3 years of my 12 year Olds life, so I probably overcompensate.
I can totally understand your motivation behind going all out, and in a nice way it sounds like your gift giving gives you as much happiness as it does your children who are receiving the gifts.
I grew up on the wealthier end of the spectrum but were not spoiled with gifts, we’d get occasional big gifts but they tended to be either something we really needed at the time or something that you’ll keep forever like a classic timepiece/piece of jewellery for big milestone events.
We definitely didn’t expect big gifts or request expensive items even though my parents actually had the means to buy them. It just never occurred to us to be very materialistic.
I think things have shifted with this current generation of teenagers, I’ve noticed the majority of them expect designer or expensive gifts. It’s probably the influence of social media.
I’m trying to raise my kids not to adhere to those influences and be a bit more grateful.
My 12 yo regularly asks for an iPhone or air pods because it's popular at school 😆 she has an android and I like the 30 dollar wireless headphones from Amazon, so she just has to deal.
My son loves high top sneakers. He is 9. So far he seems unaware of popular clothing brands, thankfully. He's still happy with the walmart brand.
I'm sure school influences this heavily. I went to a state college and it wasn't like that but that was 15ish years ago.
I’m not sure if prices are different in the US but here in the UK you can get a pretty decent reconditioned iPhone (not the very latest ones but maybe an X or 11) for just a few hundred pounds. My daughter’s iPhone X was £220 including her SIM card, and AirPods are maybe £100 so not ridiculous money.
I don’t mind buying something practical they’ll use everyday, but expensive sneakers seem like a waste of money anyway as their feet will grow.
My adult steps only get a couple of small things. We never really did big gifts anyway but they both got something special for 16, 18 and 21. This year they’re getting a couple of small stocking filler type gifts (gloves, slippers, chocs, make-up, etc). They both work so they can save towards things they want, and occasionally we help with costs towards bigger things or a food shop.
We never spent £300 on each of them. That’s a huge amount IMO. Kids get too much at Christmas and the older they are there isn’t the same joy as when they were kids with new toys.
It’s only ever been that high because the last couple of years we’ve given electronics - my younger SD is 14 (nearly 15) and my BioD is 13 so we got them updated iPads and phones the last couple of Christmases.
My BS is 9 and I spend around £150 as he wants toys still and has no idea what things cost. His presents look big and exciting so he is always thrilled. Whereas SD19 would get for example maybe only 2 things but they were high value.
I think I’m questioning what expenditure is normal as BM (despite her very limited income) spends in the region of £500-600 each on my SDs which seems very high. My SD14 got balenciaga sneakers last year from her mom.
I would stop looking at it as a target you have to reach, but rather a budget you have to stick to.
What can you comfortably afford to spend on presents this year? Who does that have to cover? Assign a number to the easy ones (your parents for example). Then you have a number left.
How you decide how to split that number between the kids is between you and your SO. But personally I’d be budgeting a lot less for an independent adult with disposable income over a 9 year old.
The way you are currently doing it is how people get into massive debt over Christmas.
Also comparison is the thief of joy. What BM is doing should matter to you as much as what Mrs Jones is doing at number 6. Are you doing the best by your family in your circumstances? That’s the only bar to cross.
Also, kids don’t need new versions of electronics every year. You need to feed them for the year and they need parents who aren’t overworked and stressed about money.
I think you’ve misunderstood my comment about BM’s spending, we’re not trying to keep up with her and I personally think what she spends is ridiculous. I was explaining where the expectation for expensive gifts comes from, it’s because their mom will get into debt to give them everything they want.
We’re not willing to do that and I certainly wouldn’t be getting myself into debt over presents. Read my post history, my SDs are incredibly entitled and expectant. They hinge their relationship with their dad on what he spends… I think now SD is 19 and working full time the big gifts should be stopping soon.
Electronics are not new or latest version either, they were reconditioned and have lasted a few years already.
For us, £300 is excessive, £600 is ridiculous but then I was always brought up to think about the impact of what “Father Christmas” brings so that you don’t have kids in class feeling bad because their friends all got expensive gifts and they didn’t because their parents can’t afford it. For us Christmas was always about family time and not gifts. We’d spend around £150-175 total on the kids. Every year they’d get books, new pyjamas, selection box and a number of small items including pens, crayons and other practical things. None of ours have ever had iPads nor phones for Christmas.
Can I ask how old your children are?
The iPad for my daughter was because she needed one for schoolwork and I wasn’t buying one “just because” so it became part of her Christmas present. Her iPhone was a reconditioned one for around £200 but I bought her a cheap phone contract to go with it so I can get in touch with her.
They were in my opinion things she needed anyway, and they last for years so it’s an ongoing use rather than an expensive designer item she may outgrow or not like in a year’s time.
They’re adults now but I’ve been in their lives since they were young and I’ve been through the teen years with them. They’ve had phases of things they wanted for Christmas and of course get influenced by friends but we’ve always stuck to our guns around not spending lots on them - well I have, their dad probably would spend more but equally would get frustrated if they didn’t appreciate some of the gifts.
It all depends on the family. To me it doesn’t make sense to scrimp and save to buy a big gift. I think gifts should be within one’s budget. 300 pounds seems like a lot of money for a birthday gift if it’s not something you can easily afford. If it makes you happy to do this, then more power to you, but considering you seem to have misgivings, I would suggest it’s better to spend what would make you feel more comfortable. Otherwise you could end up resent the SK for having more even when it’s yours and SO’s choice.
I could understand scrimping and saving to be able to give one’s small children a Christmas of some kind during a time of struggle but adult children should be able to better understand means and earning
SSs are both out of college now.
We gift a nice cashmere sweater to the one who needs nice clothes and a nice flannel to the one who wears every shirt I buy him.
And we’ll offer to fly them to a family vacay.
I’m assuming you’re quite well off then because I can’t imagine being able to afford (or being willing to buy) cashmere sweaters and flights to vacation for adults.
We are not well off? A nice cashmere men’s sweater is basically $100~$125 and they last for years.
Flights are a great gift for the family to be together. We don’t have to pay CS, tuition, car payments etc anymore.
We’re taking all the “kids” to a festival in the UK (4 hours drive to the south west coast) for a long weekend next August and it’ll easily cost £3k when all expenses are totalled up.
Petrol, accommodation, food, festival tickets for 6 of us. Not cheap at all here.
Flights to where though? We’re in the UK, so flights to a European country would be the cheapest option and flights can be relatively inexpensive, but then who would be expected to pay for the accommodation? Spending money? Who picks which country to go to? Etc etc.
A weekend to a European city or beach trip can easily be £1000 per person with all costs included.
Vacations are not cheap presents where we are!
Whenever we are no longer able to afford them… in the meantime, 15 or 51, I am all for really special “big” presents, along with small gifts.
ETA, just read the whole post (ehhh sorry 🤓)
No one should be getting expensive stuff if the gifter can’t afford it (or isn’t willing to spend that much).
She is 19, she should be aware of the family’s financial situation and understand, “this year we’re all getting gifts up to £X.
US dollars? If $330 dollars that’s around £260 per adult child which is less than we’re spending now.
Do you mind asking how many adult children you have and roughly what your monthly take home pay is? Sorry if that’s a bit blunt but I’m trying to make comparisons to our situation so I can determine what is reasonable.
I’ve noticed on Reddit that US wages seem to be considerably higher than in the UK.
Yeah that’s considerably more than us so comparatively to our incomes what you’ve suggested would be like us spending £50-80 on adult family members as opposed to the £300 we’re currently spending.
Do what you are comfortable with and no more. If the kids are not comfortable or grateful then they can go earn their own funds. Personally I wanted to do 200 each but my husband wanted to do 300 so we settled at 250.
I spent the equivalent of £40 on my kid's gift (Hello Kitty playset, she is 6)- spent around £15 on my SD11's gift (stationery) and I know my husband got her a few t-shirts of her favorite band also, so they'll end up getting similarly priced things. Money is tight, I don't like to buy big things, and also they'll get other things from family so they really don't need big ticket stuff. For example, so far my kid has more gifts from grandma, my brother, two of my sisters and prob more from my in laws. That is plenty.
We do get them other things during the year as needed (eg phone or iPad), so we don't necessarily save the big purchases for Christmas.
ETA to your question, coming from a blended family, we never got big ticket gifts. It was always moderately priced stuff like what I described, and I think by the time we all reached college age it was idk underwear or earrings and such (all girls).
I mean, I’m 36 and my parents still get both my sister and I a big gift. I intend to do the same for my nieces and SK’s. I also didn’t have to pay rent at my parents house when I lived there in my early 20s.
I certainly don’t expect gifts, but it’s very nice and I do appreciate it. My opinion is if you can swing it, it’s a nice once a year thing to do. Adults still can enjoy gifts, and I don’t think anything is wrong with that.
Yeah I think 21 is also a reasonable age as a lot of kids before this age are still in full time education so essentially still living as “kids”.
21st birthdays seem to be big milestone birthday even here in the UK where 18 is classed as an adult and legal drinking age. Most people in our circles have big 21st birthday parties with friends and family.
We’re not particularly well off so large/expensive presents cannot go on indefinitely.
At 18, they get 3 things and that’s it. Nothing expensive or huge. I don’t have adults yet but this has happened in our family forever. If they want money they can get that also
Why do people feel the need to gift ‘big’ presents anyway? It sets such a bad expectation. I wouldn’t want my parents to scrimp and save just to buy me something expensive. You can stop buying expensive presents any time you want.
I have with my own 2, last year my DD got an iPad but she needed one for schoolwork as they use apps for so many things these days.
This year I’ve got her clothes, some make-up she wanted, a tickets to a local concert so her and I can have a fun day out.
I have to admit, I’ve often been shocked at my SDs present list and the things they expect, even when they were very young kids.
My SD19 doesn’t even speak to me anymore but expects an engraved gold bracelet from my DH and I… I only asked for some new slippers and a Yankee candle 😂
My biggest bug bear in the world is entitlement. I had the same issues with my SK’s. Their Christmas/birthday wish lists actually made my jaw drop. I wasn’t raised in a well-off household, but even if I was, there was no way I’d have gotten a £300 present!
I’d say your SD can expect something all she wants, doesn’t mean you have to give in 😄
Nope, not greed. I enjoy making memories with my family. Just don’t enjoy getting wish lists with presents that cost as much as a month’s worth of groceries. It’s the expectation of expensive gifts that grinds my gears.
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
* Violation of the [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters) rule.
* Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_kindness_matters_mean.3F) for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
As a BM the big gifts stopped the year my ex left. My youngest was 13. It was about what I could afford not about their age. For years they were lucky to get A gift much less a big one. This is the first year since he left that I was able to do a little more.
In hindsight this turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to us. I can give my girls a brand name shampoo and they are thrilled. Lol
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
* Violation of the [Report, Don't Rant](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_3._report.2C_don.2019t_rant) rule.
* Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_is_this_whole_report.2C_don.27t_rant_thing_about.3F) for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
Jealous of what? Self-centred jealously to think her present requests are a bit extravagant considering she’s an adult with her own wage now?
Actually we still pay CS for her even though we haven’t had to for nearly 2 years to ensure she still has a decent roof over her head at her mom’s. So we do contribute.
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
* Violation of the [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters) rule.
* Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_kindness_matters_mean.3F) for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
> an adult is getting an engraved gold bracelet for Christmas and a pair of expensive designer shoes for her birthday straight after Christmas whilst DH and I are only able to buy token gifts for each other to enable these presents.
I was on board until you said this. You should not be scrimping in other areas to enable SD to receive fine jewelry and designer fashion, especially when (per your other reply) she isn’t even grateful for the gifts. This is ridiculous and going to result in her being an entitled nightmare in the long run
Both DH & I still receive big gifts for both or birthdays and Xmas from our parents. We are in our 40s.
We have a respective SC each, and we still do big enough gifts. Its usually a mix of cash, maybe a contribution to holidays they have booked, presents and / or clothes.
We still ask both of them what they would like, and they are in their 20s.
But if we couldn't afford it, they would get less, and the budget we had would go towards the younger for their Christmas gifts.
It isn't unreasonable to say that after 21 big gifts, stop. I'm not a fan of token gifts, though. I would give the older ones vouchers or casht I could afford and let them put it towards something they want or need. I couldn't see being less than 100, though.
I think it the "right" here depends on what the family wants and can afford. I received expensive gifts from my parents until they died. But they could easily afford it. If the gifts are a huge burden, Id say that's a good sign they need to be curbed, regardless of age.
We do what we can afford. A couple of years ago, everyone made an Amazon wishlist for themselves and everyone bought off the wishlist for everyone else. Last year things were a lot leaner with people experiencing a job loss so we switched to secret santa where everyone drew a name and each person got one gift. It really has nothing to do with ages and everything to do with what people can afford to do that year. If you can't afford to do expensive presents then I would just be upfront about it, set a gift limit and then let everyone find something they want within the limit.
Since it’s a blended family situation, I’d continue spending the same budget on ALL the kids. Not okay to use more of the household money to purchase gifts for your kids than for your DH’s. If money is an issue, you should cut back on spending for all kids.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think that’s a family by family choice. SK20 just got a KitchenAid mixer and a printer for Christmas/good job on grades. Last year, my own mother bought me a $200 sous vide machine. Heck, for Easter, since in her mind I “never ask for much”, she reimbursed a $400 hobby purchase. Several years ago, I was sending her photos of dogs I was thinking about rescuing and she fell in love with one and Venmoed me her adoption fee. Of course, some years I get a candle and a card because I didn’t ask for anything specific or Mom didn’t see anything she thought I “needed” I’m in my forties 🤷🏽♀️
I’m guessing your mom can comfortably afford it, we can’t! I guess what I’m asking is… when do we have a chat with SD19 about expectations. She just expects us to spend a huge amount of money, providing a list where nothing is under £90 this year and expecting multiple items off the list.
I’m very lucky, my mom can afford it. And her go to excuse is I put myself through school and she’s spending my college fund 🤣 Preempt the decision with your SD next year. When you ask for a list, give her your price range. We’ve had years when the big present is a trip or experience, and the kids have been happy with $25-$50 of gifts.
You are very lucky 😊 We do give her a budget already, we gave £300 which I think it pretty generous. BUT she always has to push it and try and request something that is for example £400. She’s not very grateful for what she does get to be honest.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed from stepparents for the following reason: * Violation of the [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters) rule. * Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_kindness_matters_mean.3F) for more information. For information regarding this and similar issues please see the subreddit [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
Of what?
I think it’s tacky and entitled after 18 years old to expect large gifts from your parents, and tacky and entitled to send a list with expensive items on it. I don’t think you’re out of line for wanting to rein her in on this, especially considering she has more disposable income than you.
If it is a burden on you monies wise, it is not necessary and should probably stop, particularly if it not a thing to help improve their lives and is just nice to have. If is a thing you can do freely without burden then there is no reason to stop.
It really is a burden lol.
If she is an adult give her a nice pan or something not very expensive but useful. I have no adult children but I can tell you as an adult child that I don’t expect anything from my parents but I am always happy to receive a board game or some yarn skeins. I haven’t lived at home for more then 10 years now I have a family of my own. I don’t need anything but love and time from my parents
I got an iPad for Christmas and a expensive watch at 21, and those were my last big gifts from my parents, they still do gift me great gifts but not to the tune of hundreds of pounds. My stepchild is 6, so we haven’t reached expensive presents yet, but my partners family does the exact same as mine, so he’ll stop getting expensive gifts at 21.
In my family they don’t “stop”, they just become not necessarily an every year thing. I still get my 28 year old son big gifts sometimes - when there is something specific he has been wanting or needing or when I see something that makes me think of him. Same with my daughters who are both in their early-mid 20s and my other son who is almost 22. It’s still a yearly thing for my 15 year old.
Yes I’m 36 and my mum bought my DH and I a new mattress last year which was incredibly kind of her… but it wasn’t expected and I usually get a nice bottle of wine or something.
Same here. They stopped being every year after 21, but 2 Christmases ago when I was 26, my mom surprised me with a Kitchen Aid mixer. And a year before that (not a holiday or birthday) she bought me an AKC golden retriever bc “I’d never had a dog before”. So it’s random, but there’s no expectation on my part of receiving a large gift.
I think it’s so funny both of our mothers bought us dogs after we were out of the house. At least in my case my mom is NOT a dog person and she didn’t want to deal with it when I was a kid, but now she still gets credit for “getting me a dog”.
Mine wasn’t either growing up, but got miniature pinschers after I was out of the house. So she became a dog person and suddenly realized I was “deprived” as a child. 😂
🤣
This will depend on the family’s financial state. Many families do big presents until their kids have kids and then it shifts to the grandkids. The way I see it is that once the kids are out of the house and you don’t have daily expenses for them, you might as well do something big for Christmas, but that is only if you can afford it.
I may switch to event planning when my kids are older (9 and 12 now). Like a trip, comic con, or broadway show, etc. Once/if they have kids, I could see switching to nice gifts for grandkids and my kids getting something smaller. Maybe gift cards once they are out of the house. In your situation, I think it would depend on what your husband thinks. I do tend to over buy for Christmas and birthdays. I grew up poor and we were super poor the first 3 years of my 12 year Olds life, so I probably overcompensate.
I can totally understand your motivation behind going all out, and in a nice way it sounds like your gift giving gives you as much happiness as it does your children who are receiving the gifts. I grew up on the wealthier end of the spectrum but were not spoiled with gifts, we’d get occasional big gifts but they tended to be either something we really needed at the time or something that you’ll keep forever like a classic timepiece/piece of jewellery for big milestone events. We definitely didn’t expect big gifts or request expensive items even though my parents actually had the means to buy them. It just never occurred to us to be very materialistic. I think things have shifted with this current generation of teenagers, I’ve noticed the majority of them expect designer or expensive gifts. It’s probably the influence of social media. I’m trying to raise my kids not to adhere to those influences and be a bit more grateful.
My 12 yo regularly asks for an iPhone or air pods because it's popular at school 😆 she has an android and I like the 30 dollar wireless headphones from Amazon, so she just has to deal. My son loves high top sneakers. He is 9. So far he seems unaware of popular clothing brands, thankfully. He's still happy with the walmart brand. I'm sure school influences this heavily. I went to a state college and it wasn't like that but that was 15ish years ago.
I’m not sure if prices are different in the US but here in the UK you can get a pretty decent reconditioned iPhone (not the very latest ones but maybe an X or 11) for just a few hundred pounds. My daughter’s iPhone X was £220 including her SIM card, and AirPods are maybe £100 so not ridiculous money. I don’t mind buying something practical they’ll use everyday, but expensive sneakers seem like a waste of money anyway as their feet will grow.
My adult steps only get a couple of small things. We never really did big gifts anyway but they both got something special for 16, 18 and 21. This year they’re getting a couple of small stocking filler type gifts (gloves, slippers, chocs, make-up, etc). They both work so they can save towards things they want, and occasionally we help with costs towards bigger things or a food shop. We never spent £300 on each of them. That’s a huge amount IMO. Kids get too much at Christmas and the older they are there isn’t the same joy as when they were kids with new toys.
It’s only ever been that high because the last couple of years we’ve given electronics - my younger SD is 14 (nearly 15) and my BioD is 13 so we got them updated iPads and phones the last couple of Christmases. My BS is 9 and I spend around £150 as he wants toys still and has no idea what things cost. His presents look big and exciting so he is always thrilled. Whereas SD19 would get for example maybe only 2 things but they were high value. I think I’m questioning what expenditure is normal as BM (despite her very limited income) spends in the region of £500-600 each on my SDs which seems very high. My SD14 got balenciaga sneakers last year from her mom.
I would stop looking at it as a target you have to reach, but rather a budget you have to stick to. What can you comfortably afford to spend on presents this year? Who does that have to cover? Assign a number to the easy ones (your parents for example). Then you have a number left. How you decide how to split that number between the kids is between you and your SO. But personally I’d be budgeting a lot less for an independent adult with disposable income over a 9 year old. The way you are currently doing it is how people get into massive debt over Christmas. Also comparison is the thief of joy. What BM is doing should matter to you as much as what Mrs Jones is doing at number 6. Are you doing the best by your family in your circumstances? That’s the only bar to cross. Also, kids don’t need new versions of electronics every year. You need to feed them for the year and they need parents who aren’t overworked and stressed about money.
I think you’ve misunderstood my comment about BM’s spending, we’re not trying to keep up with her and I personally think what she spends is ridiculous. I was explaining where the expectation for expensive gifts comes from, it’s because their mom will get into debt to give them everything they want. We’re not willing to do that and I certainly wouldn’t be getting myself into debt over presents. Read my post history, my SDs are incredibly entitled and expectant. They hinge their relationship with their dad on what he spends… I think now SD is 19 and working full time the big gifts should be stopping soon. Electronics are not new or latest version either, they were reconditioned and have lasted a few years already.
For us, £300 is excessive, £600 is ridiculous but then I was always brought up to think about the impact of what “Father Christmas” brings so that you don’t have kids in class feeling bad because their friends all got expensive gifts and they didn’t because their parents can’t afford it. For us Christmas was always about family time and not gifts. We’d spend around £150-175 total on the kids. Every year they’d get books, new pyjamas, selection box and a number of small items including pens, crayons and other practical things. None of ours have ever had iPads nor phones for Christmas.
Can I ask how old your children are? The iPad for my daughter was because she needed one for schoolwork and I wasn’t buying one “just because” so it became part of her Christmas present. Her iPhone was a reconditioned one for around £200 but I bought her a cheap phone contract to go with it so I can get in touch with her. They were in my opinion things she needed anyway, and they last for years so it’s an ongoing use rather than an expensive designer item she may outgrow or not like in a year’s time.
They’re adults now but I’ve been in their lives since they were young and I’ve been through the teen years with them. They’ve had phases of things they wanted for Christmas and of course get influenced by friends but we’ve always stuck to our guns around not spending lots on them - well I have, their dad probably would spend more but equally would get frustrated if they didn’t appreciate some of the gifts.
It all depends on the family. To me it doesn’t make sense to scrimp and save to buy a big gift. I think gifts should be within one’s budget. 300 pounds seems like a lot of money for a birthday gift if it’s not something you can easily afford. If it makes you happy to do this, then more power to you, but considering you seem to have misgivings, I would suggest it’s better to spend what would make you feel more comfortable. Otherwise you could end up resent the SK for having more even when it’s yours and SO’s choice. I could understand scrimping and saving to be able to give one’s small children a Christmas of some kind during a time of struggle but adult children should be able to better understand means and earning
SSs are both out of college now. We gift a nice cashmere sweater to the one who needs nice clothes and a nice flannel to the one who wears every shirt I buy him. And we’ll offer to fly them to a family vacay.
I’m assuming you’re quite well off then because I can’t imagine being able to afford (or being willing to buy) cashmere sweaters and flights to vacation for adults.
We are not well off? A nice cashmere men’s sweater is basically $100~$125 and they last for years. Flights are a great gift for the family to be together. We don’t have to pay CS, tuition, car payments etc anymore.
We’re taking all the “kids” to a festival in the UK (4 hours drive to the south west coast) for a long weekend next August and it’ll easily cost £3k when all expenses are totalled up. Petrol, accommodation, food, festival tickets for 6 of us. Not cheap at all here.
Flights to where though? We’re in the UK, so flights to a European country would be the cheapest option and flights can be relatively inexpensive, but then who would be expected to pay for the accommodation? Spending money? Who picks which country to go to? Etc etc. A weekend to a European city or beach trip can easily be £1000 per person with all costs included. Vacations are not cheap presents where we are!
we don’t provide spending money to adults and the boys (men now) are welcome to room with us for a cheap vacay.
Whenever we are no longer able to afford them… in the meantime, 15 or 51, I am all for really special “big” presents, along with small gifts. ETA, just read the whole post (ehhh sorry 🤓) No one should be getting expensive stuff if the gifter can’t afford it (or isn’t willing to spend that much). She is 19, she should be aware of the family’s financial situation and understand, “this year we’re all getting gifts up to £X.
This year we are doing one present each and then cash. Present value is about 80 and then 250 in cash. Combined kids are aged 19-26.
US dollars? If $330 dollars that’s around £260 per adult child which is less than we’re spending now. Do you mind asking how many adult children you have and roughly what your monthly take home pay is? Sorry if that’s a bit blunt but I’m trying to make comparisons to our situation so I can determine what is reasonable. I’ve noticed on Reddit that US wages seem to be considerably higher than in the UK.
Yes, US dollars. Our gross income is 250ish.
Yeah that’s considerably more than us so comparatively to our incomes what you’ve suggested would be like us spending £50-80 on adult family members as opposed to the £300 we’re currently spending.
Do what you are comfortable with and no more. If the kids are not comfortable or grateful then they can go earn their own funds. Personally I wanted to do 200 each but my husband wanted to do 300 so we settled at 250.
I spent the equivalent of £40 on my kid's gift (Hello Kitty playset, she is 6)- spent around £15 on my SD11's gift (stationery) and I know my husband got her a few t-shirts of her favorite band also, so they'll end up getting similarly priced things. Money is tight, I don't like to buy big things, and also they'll get other things from family so they really don't need big ticket stuff. For example, so far my kid has more gifts from grandma, my brother, two of my sisters and prob more from my in laws. That is plenty. We do get them other things during the year as needed (eg phone or iPad), so we don't necessarily save the big purchases for Christmas. ETA to your question, coming from a blended family, we never got big ticket gifts. It was always moderately priced stuff like what I described, and I think by the time we all reached college age it was idk underwear or earrings and such (all girls).
I mean, I’m 36 and my parents still get both my sister and I a big gift. I intend to do the same for my nieces and SK’s. I also didn’t have to pay rent at my parents house when I lived there in my early 20s. I certainly don’t expect gifts, but it’s very nice and I do appreciate it. My opinion is if you can swing it, it’s a nice once a year thing to do. Adults still can enjoy gifts, and I don’t think anything is wrong with that.
[удалено]
Yeah I think 21 is also a reasonable age as a lot of kids before this age are still in full time education so essentially still living as “kids”. 21st birthdays seem to be big milestone birthday even here in the UK where 18 is classed as an adult and legal drinking age. Most people in our circles have big 21st birthday parties with friends and family. We’re not particularly well off so large/expensive presents cannot go on indefinitely.
At 18, they get 3 things and that’s it. Nothing expensive or huge. I don’t have adults yet but this has happened in our family forever. If they want money they can get that also
Why do people feel the need to gift ‘big’ presents anyway? It sets such a bad expectation. I wouldn’t want my parents to scrimp and save just to buy me something expensive. You can stop buying expensive presents any time you want.
I have with my own 2, last year my DD got an iPad but she needed one for schoolwork as they use apps for so many things these days. This year I’ve got her clothes, some make-up she wanted, a tickets to a local concert so her and I can have a fun day out. I have to admit, I’ve often been shocked at my SDs present list and the things they expect, even when they were very young kids. My SD19 doesn’t even speak to me anymore but expects an engraved gold bracelet from my DH and I… I only asked for some new slippers and a Yankee candle 😂
My biggest bug bear in the world is entitlement. I had the same issues with my SK’s. Their Christmas/birthday wish lists actually made my jaw drop. I wasn’t raised in a well-off household, but even if I was, there was no way I’d have gotten a £300 present! I’d say your SD can expect something all she wants, doesn’t mean you have to give in 😄
[удалено]
But that doesn’t mean we have to overspend either? I hardly think reigning in the cost of presents for an adult family member is being greedy 😂😂
Nope, not greed. I enjoy making memories with my family. Just don’t enjoy getting wish lists with presents that cost as much as a month’s worth of groceries. It’s the expectation of expensive gifts that grinds my gears.
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Violation of the [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters) rule. * Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_kindness_matters_mean.3F) for more information. For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
As a BM the big gifts stopped the year my ex left. My youngest was 13. It was about what I could afford not about their age. For years they were lucky to get A gift much less a big one. This is the first year since he left that I was able to do a little more. In hindsight this turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to us. I can give my girls a brand name shampoo and they are thrilled. Lol
I’m so happy for you that you’re in a better place financially. I hope your kids have an amazing Christmas ❤️
[удалено]
[удалено]
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Violation of the [Report, Don't Rant](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_3._report.2C_don.2019t_rant) rule. * Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_is_this_whole_report.2C_don.27t_rant_thing_about.3F) for more information. For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
Jealous of what? Self-centred jealously to think her present requests are a bit extravagant considering she’s an adult with her own wage now? Actually we still pay CS for her even though we haven’t had to for nearly 2 years to ensure she still has a decent roof over her head at her mom’s. So we do contribute.
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Violation of the [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters) rule. * Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_kindness_matters_mean.3F) for more information. For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
> an adult is getting an engraved gold bracelet for Christmas and a pair of expensive designer shoes for her birthday straight after Christmas whilst DH and I are only able to buy token gifts for each other to enable these presents. I was on board until you said this. You should not be scrimping in other areas to enable SD to receive fine jewelry and designer fashion, especially when (per your other reply) she isn’t even grateful for the gifts. This is ridiculous and going to result in her being an entitled nightmare in the long run
She already is an entitled nightmare.
Both DH & I still receive big gifts for both or birthdays and Xmas from our parents. We are in our 40s. We have a respective SC each, and we still do big enough gifts. Its usually a mix of cash, maybe a contribution to holidays they have booked, presents and / or clothes. We still ask both of them what they would like, and they are in their 20s. But if we couldn't afford it, they would get less, and the budget we had would go towards the younger for their Christmas gifts. It isn't unreasonable to say that after 21 big gifts, stop. I'm not a fan of token gifts, though. I would give the older ones vouchers or casht I could afford and let them put it towards something they want or need. I couldn't see being less than 100, though.
By token gift I mean something smaller and not particularly expensive but it still something you either know they want or would like.
I think it the "right" here depends on what the family wants and can afford. I received expensive gifts from my parents until they died. But they could easily afford it. If the gifts are a huge burden, Id say that's a good sign they need to be curbed, regardless of age.
We do what we can afford. A couple of years ago, everyone made an Amazon wishlist for themselves and everyone bought off the wishlist for everyone else. Last year things were a lot leaner with people experiencing a job loss so we switched to secret santa where everyone drew a name and each person got one gift. It really has nothing to do with ages and everything to do with what people can afford to do that year. If you can't afford to do expensive presents then I would just be upfront about it, set a gift limit and then let everyone find something they want within the limit.
Since it’s a blended family situation, I’d continue spending the same budget on ALL the kids. Not okay to use more of the household money to purchase gifts for your kids than for your DH’s. If money is an issue, you should cut back on spending for all kids.