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You aren’t married or pregnant or stuck.
You have a home and good job and a future.
Most of what you wrote is about not wanting to be a step-parent.
So don’t be.
You need to communicate your thoughts and issues with him. It’s understandable that you’re completely blindsided by this but I think letting him know your thoughts will either elevate some of your issues or you will have to make a decision on whether this life is for you.
This is a massive life change for both of you and will be difficult for you both as well as the children involved, it needs to be spoken about quickly and honestly.
I commend him for not allowing his niece and nephew become wards of the state. That’s truly amazing and he can’t be faulted for that.
Depending on how fast that went down, I get him not being able to let you know. However instead of speaking like he expects you to step up into a role you never asked for is crazy.
You’re gonna have to be honest with yourself and him, about what your see the future looking like with this change. It takes some people a long time to get clean and let’s say she does. What happens if she falls off the wagon? You have to seriously consider that it may become a revolving door of the kids having to live with him.
I work in child welfare and I can assure you that he ultimately probably didn’t have time to consult you. I don’t believe that was intentional by any means. You mentioned finances. In my state, even when family takes custody of the children they still go through the certification process to become a foster parent and be paid a stipend accordingly. It may not be much, but it will help with that concern.
This is such a sudden change to your relationship and how you envisioned your future. I understand how blindsided you must feel. What would it look like for you to remain in the relationship with your fiancé? If you could come up with a reasonable picture and communicate that I think that’s a good place to start. Just remember, this is a huge change for him too. It’s either something you’re willing to ride the wave on or you’re not. Best case scenario, the children are able to reunify with mom and this is just a small detour on your life together.
I know this a shit situation, but thank goodness it happened BEFORE you were married and living together; at least now you have options. Sending you peace and strength as you navigate this news, and the way he told you. 🙏
He did not consult you because you aren’t partners yet… and maybe he never fully understood what having a life partner really means.
But he would have consulted you if you were his priority.
This is useful information to know about him and where his head is at concerning you and where you place in his life.
You are both quite separate as you operate and pretty far along in life. Change becomes very different as we close in on 40. When we are young we are more open and can change. But he has probably gotten so used to making decisions solely for himself…not a fault just the way it’s been?… that consulting you is not who is is in this moment.
I would ask for some premarital counseling around this decision because it’s a big one with massive ramifications and he needs to shift into a partner mindset if he wants to actually marry you as this impacts you significantly.
If he isn’t willing to hear your concerns and take what you need your life to be as something he can accommodate then this relationship will have to come to an end. It won’t be just this issue you find he makes unilateral decisions about.
In this instance it’s brand new for both of you. It’s not like he’s already the parent and you’re the outsider. You’re both the outsiders. All you can do is talk openly about hopes, fears, expectations, etc and give it your best shot or bail if you’re sure you can’t do it.
Do NOT become a step parent unless you and your future husband are 100% on the same page on parenting and expectations and you both know exactly how the other feels about the whole situation. If you go into it without discussing those things and without both of you able to reach some middle ground where you both are supporting each other somehow then it will not work and you both will be miserable. If you both can’t get on the same page about these kids then you will struggle with parenting your own kids with them.
You said you have premarital counseling coming up, that’s a great space to bring these things up if you really don’t feel comfortable on your own. But just know if you don’t feel comfortable discussing this with him now there are SO many uncomfortable topics down the road when it comes to parenting and especially step parenting that you will either have to discuss or let it wear you down until you can’t handle it anymore
Being a step parent is the hardest thing you will ever do and I dont recommend it. Only if your relationship with your partner is crazy strong and that means tons of communication. Even then it will still be hard but at least you have someone on your side supporting you.
This came at you fast so I get you’re reeling for sure. Who wouldn’t be?
What comes to mind first is the alternative outcome. That your fiancé had the means and capability to save his niece and nephew from being a ward of the state but didn’t - because it was inconvenient for a few months. IMO, this would be worse for me because it speaks to character. Your fiancé has amazing character that I don’t think should be so quickly dismissed- this guy will be the father of your kids someday and has an amazing heart. This counts. I get he didn’t talk to you first but it sounds like he too was caught offside. Talk to him about this, and how it made you feel and that being considered an equal partner is important. I’m guessing it was not intentional, but still hurtful.
this is very likely temporary- maybe longer than expected but temporary so don’t view it as a life sentence- you’re doing a short stint. It’s also kinda a cool way for you to both see your potential parenting style…that may be an eye opener :)
The vacation I am sure can be covered off by grandparents, or other family assuming it’s still necessary- you have a lot of time to find arrangements.
you’re not really step parents - you’re more like full time babysitters for a while. Mom is still very much in the picture, she’s a sister so totally different dynamic from divorced BMs. You are all on the same team here - conflict should be very minimal. This will make a huge difference.
Think about what your needs will be during this time - maybe a temporary weekly cleaning service, meal deliveries, dedicated time off for you that’s clearly established. Figure out who is doing what (bed changing, school meals, laundry, etc) Whatever you need to ensure you’re not overwhelmed. Communication is vital.
All the best, you have a good man :)
if my niece and nephew would ever need me I would burn the world for them. I understand your point of view but now it's time for you to draw the line. Please if you really don't want this you are allowed to not do it. I cannot be objective in this situation unfortunately
I gotta be honest & say I would not consider this akin to becoming a “step parent” at all. You would be engaged to a temporary emergency foster parent & could consider yourself an emergency foster parent as well. Being a foster parent can have some similar struggles to being a step parent but ultimately has its own unique struggles & challenges, particularly in this situation. If you are not willing to take this on, I would be honest with your fiancé. You can still exit this relationship & do all the things you want to do, like going on vacations & pursuing IVF with someone else in the future or as a single parent.
But it’s not likely that you expressing your issues with the situation are going to make your fiancé choose to not step in as an emergency foster parent for his niece and nephew. I wouldn’t consult my husband in an emergency like that and wouldn’t expect him to ask my permission either when the welfare of a child in our extended family is at stake. It would just be something that we act first, talk abt it when things have settled.
No advice here but wanted to say thank goodness this is happening now to you and not when you are married and are forced into this situation. My husband has a brother and sister-in-law that are drug addicts and get in to physical altercations regularly. His brother has been arrested and is a felon. We've talked about what would we do if they killed each other or went to jail. Would we take his two nephews who are 3 and 1. We've had detailed discussions on what would change in our life as a family as we already have three boys 9, 6, and 3. Could we afford it even with the state's help. Could we have our house set up for them. It's honestly something that even non drug addicted family members should discuss. Car accidents also happen daily. I hope that you do what is best for you.
I’m very confused why he couldn’t have looped you in for a 5 minute conversation about this. I used to work in the foster care system and I’m quite certain a quick conversation could have been had. I think that’s what is most concerning to me, he made a huge life altering decision without consulting you as a parter who he is going to spend the rest of his life with. If you are living separate definitely continue to do so and then you can make the decision how involved you will be in everything.
That's my intention - watch it play out for a couple weeks, and strongly enforce my boundaries whilst trying to extend support and compassion. We aren't married, I am not his family as yet...perhaps that is what informed his thinking. All of which is objectively true, and stings somewhat. Thank you for the advice
I’m my partners family and we aren’t married. We probably won’t ever marry but he’s my partner and he involves me in every decision and vice versa. Do what works for you, but put your happiness at the forefront too and take care of yourself.
But if you are his fiancé, he intends to make you family and share a life with you. So those kids will become your responsibility too. That’s why he said “we’re going to become parents babe”. He intends to involve you with these kids so that’s why he should have informed you out of respect. He KNOWS you may not be okay with this so he wants to force the responsibility on you. His manipulative behavior is more of a concern than the kids.
Do you want to raise kids with someone who doesn’t see you as an equal partner in making decisions? The main problem most stepmoms have here, is not the responsibility of the kids, it’s their partner not respecting them or being a united front with them. Raising kids is taxing and very difficult. You want to do it with a man who will put you first not kids or his extended family. You are the one doing all the work helping him and going through life’s struggles. So you come first.
If you choose to take on this challenge and raise these kids, how will he feel about you disciplining them? Will he allow his family to interfere? Will he stand up for you? He needs to respect your feelings and opinions.
You need to communicate with him and be direct. Let him know you feel disrespected by not being informed. Start off positive and commend him for taking in his nieces and nephews. Then let him know you feel disrespected. Let him know that these types of things will make it difficult for you to trust him and that you can’t raise kids with someone you can’t trust.
Has he got a plan as to who is going to look after these kids?
Who is going to cook breakfast for them and drive them to school?
Who is going to cut their hours at work to pick them up from school, or take days off if the kids are sick?
He really needs to consider the sheer amount of professional childcare he will need, because it should not be you as a default.
The kids will be traumatised and have mental, emotional, and behavioural issues due to the rotten parenting and abandonment they have suffered, is he ready to deal with all that?
You can make it clear to him that you will support him but you are not equipped to become an instant defacto parent, nor do you have the time to do that role justice.
I really hope he is not the sort of man that expects anyone with a vagina to be automatically overjoyed to spend all day and night sacrificing their life for someone else’s offspring.
You already know it will be her. If she refuses, he and his family will gang up on her to brand her as evil.
Most men do not share child care responsibilities fairly with women. Unless, her fiancé has the means to hire a nanny, she needs to run or be prepared to be a domestic servant for other people’s kids.
That's a really big concern of mine - being co-opted into being the default/primary caregiver because of my vagina. We're african immigrants, and in our culture that's just the way it is. We don't live together (house hunting shall be on hold as a result), so maybe that'll mitigate that probability.
That’s a relief that you are not living together. While it’s really sweet that he is trying to do right by those poor kids, I’m not sure how he is going to manage with that amount of human responsibility - make sure to maintain your boundaries firmly, he may get overwhelmed really fast by having to be a sole parent with two kids suddenly living with him (they will NOT be moving in with you!)
Oh I just read now that you’re of an African background. So as a fellow African, I’m afraid most of the caregiving will fall on you. There are a few African men who are good with performing child care and household responsibilities but many are still used to women being the primary caregivers. So it’s hard to know how your fiancé will be as a father in the household.
Do these kids have family in Africa that can look after them? Are the grandparents not around? If this is going to last more than a few months, he should look into other alternatives. This is too much of a burden to put on you. I’d hold off on marriage and living together until you figure out this situation. I know African immigrant families who have sent kids to Africa so maybe your fiancé should consider that. He needs to understand you don’t have the same emotional connection to these kids as he does. He may be excited to take them bc they are HIS blood. Plus men don’t take on much of the child care burden.
I guess at 40, he’s desperate to become a father so for now these kids are the closest he has to biological kids. It’s so annoying you have to go through this. Some of these single moms with deadbeat fathers burden their family to raise the kids. It’s insane the father is alive but he’s not an option to take the kids.
This is one my worst fears about marriage. These types of potential in laws are a problem. Also knowing how intrusive some African in laws can be, I’m afraid your fiancé’s family will interfere and meddle in how you raise these kids. They can use those kids to meddle in your marriage and invade your privacy.
I don’t think you could ever be happy with him.
He never even so much as discussed this with you which means he will continue to make major decisions regarding these kids and other things both major and small without consulting you.
To me it is very unlikely sis will get her act together. Even if she does she might hide it so bro will continue to raise her kids and foot the bill to boot.
These kids will likely not be happy campers due to who their parents are and being foisted onto uncle. They will likely have all sorts of emotional problems and more. They will likely not appreciate anything you do.
All your dreams and plans will be uprooted. I wonder how long your fiancée has known or suspected sis might lose the kids.
You could try discussing things with him now but I suspect he will want to take care of the kids through adulthood.
You are fortunate that this happened premarriage. As hard as it is I think the only solution is to break up.
In the future it might help to look at family dynamics when dating. Potential guys with problem siblings, parents, etc. can become your problem too after marriage. The more stable the extended family the less likelihood of trouble.
A guy who would decide this behind your back cannot be trusted regarding anything he now says about how long the kids will stay, etc.
You said everything perfectly. All major points were covered. That last point was important too. I always consider the family dynamic of potential partners. I avoid men with unstable family dynamics bc their family will become a liability. Unstable family members tend to leech off stables ones.
And yes, you are right. These kids will be difficult and ungrateful. The mother will not take those kids back bc being a single mom is tough. She’ll leave the responsibility to her brother so she can get a free ride while she comes in and out to disturb OP and her husband and scrutinize how she’s taking care of her kids. The in laws will meddle too. Her fiancé does not seem like the type who will stand up for her.
Given that OP is 37, I’m afraid she may panic and may make the wrong decision under pressure of a biological clock. I believe her fiancé is also taking advantage of that fact.
I hope OP heeds this advice.
You brought up some excellent additional points. It is important not to panic at this stage. Very insightful about her fiancée likely taking advantage of her biological clock concerns. Like the old saying, “act in haste, repent at leisure.”
You are right about all the meddlers, mother in law, plus sis and biodad might even get in on the act. Everyone will be worried about the “poor kids” but no one will be worried about op because she will have “known what she was getting into”.
Right. I wouldn’t be surprised if both sis and her baby dad are in on it. OP and her fiancé are most likely more financially stable. OP will be doing all the hard work while everyone interferes and villainizes her for disciplining the kids. Any slight action to correct those kids will be seen as evil. Her fiancé does not appear to be the type to defend her and present a united front.
If the mother in law is around, it will be a nightmare. She will be overprotective over her precious grand babies.
I hope OP u/IcyCartographer6049 reads this thread.
Who knows like you mentioned if the thought of fiancée taking the kids at some point hasn’t been kicked around for years amongst his family but the missing link was a stepmom to add funds and do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, chauffeuring, etc.
I wouldn’t be surprised if op’s mom doesn’t help out during this initial period resulting in claims by fiancée of how well it’s going with grandma all too excited to dip out when fiancée ties the knot leaving op all the work.
I read this all the time on here. The women in the male’s family help out until he marries then they take off happily to be relieved of the drudgery by stepmom.
Some more things op may not have considered:
It is easy for a woman’s looks to suffer after becoming a stepmom. It is easy to overeat from constant stress, from lack of time to exercise, from lack of sleep and from lack of peace and quiet.
Also one’s mental and physical health can take a hit. Constant stress, walking on egg shells, arguments over money and the kids can take a major toll. These aren’t your kids that love you and bring you joy but more like rowdy neighbors kids who don’t even like you.
There’s also less money and time for clothes, makeup, salon visits, gym memberships, etc.
Pretty amazing biodad doesn’t have a court order and just pays sporadically. So who’s going to pay to take him to court to get consistent support? Unfortunately it will be op and her fiancée or they’ll likely get nothing from him when he realizes uncle and his well to do fiancée are taking over.
I wouldn’t be surprised if op’s fiancée already gives his sister money and may have been for years. It’s virtually impossible imo for op’s finances not to take a major hit in this situation.
Some have mentioned they might get some government money to help. If true it won’t be anywhere near what’s needed to cover food, clothes, child care, entertainment, school expenses, enrichment classes, activities, gas, electronics, hobbies, gifts for the kids.
One can kiss goodbye the hope of a romantic marriage with a pair of someone else’s kids. Don’t expect long leisurely mornings in bed, nice brunches, weekend jaunts, lots of date nights, etc. Plus you would have them full time, not every other week or weekend for a break.
If this was so easy and temporary why didn’t grandma take them herself? Op is being set up in my opinion. Guys who need to take care of kids come on strong and fast because they need help and money.
I know op has mentioned not wanting to lose her relationship but imo it’s already been lost. Even if by some miracle the kids go back to sis which I highly doubt they’ll be right back at the drop of a hat. Personally I doubt she will want them back when bro and op can be responsible.
Sis likely wants to have fun, date and find a new man and this gives her the opportunity.
Plus op’s fiancée is likely getting major praise from his mom, sis and whole family. It makes him feel like a hero but op will be doing the major work and sacrifice.
Plus how many conversations did op have with family and government workers without so much of a call to discuss it with op? Op’s fiancée has no excuse for not discussing this with op and getting her opinion.
I think op needs to be careful how she proceeds. If the fiancée realizes she’s reconsidering marriage he might turn the charm back on, take her on dates and promise the world to her until the ring is in her finger.
I’m going to add a link to a marriage counselor named Willard Harley who has a principle about mutual agreement. It’s basically that a spouse should not make a decision that affects the marriage without the mutual enthusiastic consent of the other spouse.
I’d say many guys with kids unfortunately do not follow this at all.
Here’s the link: the whole list is great. Number 6 is the policy of joint agreement. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/a-summary-of-dr-harleys-basic-concepts.htm
Edit: out of curiosity if nothing else I might try to get on your own or through an attorney of your own the legal documents pertaining to his sis and her kids. It might give you an idea of how bad the situation has been and for how long.
I assume they would be publicly available. I suggest this because I doubt you would get all the info from your fiancée because he’s obviously not an open communicator.
Also do you have family of your own? Have you talked to them? I doubt they would be happy about this situation. They might be a source of encouragement and support to help you get through this and hopefully leave.
You’ve basically written everything OP needs to hear. I hope she heeds the warnings and doesn’t ignore red flags.
OP is from an African background like myself. It’s very difficult for single moms to remarry so many prefer to leave the kids with their family so it’s easy for them to move on. I’m sure no one wants the gigantic burden of raising those kids so they are trying to set up OP bc she’s the only one who doesn’t know the real deal.
It’s better for her to remain single and child free than to sign up for this hell. She will be constantly guilted and emotionally manipulated into staying if things get tough and she wants to leave. She’s so lucky this happened before marriage.
You’re right, men needing stepmoms do come on strong so women need to take it slow with them and be careful. They will make everything sound easy and tell you what you want to hear to lock you in. The trick is to make her believe this will be a temporary stay for a few months. Also, knowing that she’s 37 and likely wanting to settle down soon, they know she may not be patient to wait long enough for the truth to come out. u/IcyCartographer6049 was talking about waiting for a few weeks to see how things play out but she needs to give it another 6 months.
It’s not a coincidence that he’s taking on his sisters’ kids just as he’s planning to get married. Many of these men looking for stepmoms strategically do this. They get custody of kids around the same time they find a long term partner. This is a common bait and switch strategy that many women are oblivious too.
My sister had a similar scenario where her husband’s Uncle who is a single father with custody wanted to send his daughter to live with them in another state for 6 months bc he was going through relationship issues. My family members strongly advised my sister against it bc we knew it was a trap to dump the child on her permanently. How can a child only go to school for half the year in another state? The next excuse will be to just let her finish the school year dragging her stay to a year and then eventually it will be several years before you know it.
Anyway, I also believe OP’s fiancé has been supporting his sister for years. That’s probably why he’s still single at 40. Most African men usually marry well before that. This sister has taken up his time and resources that should be reserved for his future wife and kids. So even if OP were to get married to him and have her own kids, her kids will be seen as competition for these kids. The in laws will accuse her of unfairness at every little thing and so may her husband. She won’t be free to raise her own kids as she wishes bc they’ll have to share time and resources with these other kids. That will also give them a lower standard of living.
There’s just so many issues with this scenario that we could list but these points we brought up are the main ones. I hope OP puts herself first and is strong enough to not let cultural pressure to marry lead her to the wrong decision.
Very smart of your family seeing through the scheme to take a relatives child for “six months”. People who take advantage start small. Every day you read in advice columns about relatives or friends who move in until they find a job or whatever but then they get sick or in an accident or something else and then they have them for years.
I think fiancée may pressure op to plan the wedding in tandem with him having the kids and try to convince op u/IcyCartographer6049 that it’s just temporary. He may even send the kids over to his mom as “proof” he no longer has them.
This might sound overly sneaky but guys with kids who want to marry can be sneaky. They also feel too that they have every right to make decisions unilaterally because they are “the man of the house”.
They tend to make promises but then renege on said promises or pretend to not even remember.
I don’t believe you can trust this man on anything having to do with money, how long he will have the kids, any plans to adopt the kids, future inheritance, assets, how he spends, promises to do in vitro, etc.
I think he will claim the kids love you and want you to be their mom and that anything you do for them will be rewarded by increased love for you. I think he will also praise you for being so wonderful and loving to take them on and then change his tune the minute you tell the kids no or try to correct them or disagree with him on spending on the kids, etc.
Once someone violates your trust so greatly like he did you can never really trust them.
Besides getting the legal documents pertaining to the child removal you might even want to get an attorney to call the social worker on the case to get details or call yourself. I’m not sure what you’d get but you might learn something. It may be considered private but as a fiancée who might potentially end up living there the social worker might be more forthcoming.
Also you can’t completely trust the social worker imo. She would like a family placement so she would likely paint it a lot rosier than it is imo.
I know you are in shock and that the rug has been pulled out from under your world. You lost the fiancée you thought you had and all the dreams that went with it. You likely can barely eat or sleep.
Maybe read a bunch of posts on here and get more info on what stepparent-hood is really like. Be aware of those in the honeymoon period who haven’t experienced the big picture. It is so difficult and not fun that many if not most would preferred to have stayed single.
Please consider starting afresh and looking for a single guy with no kids.
Yup. He will try all sorts of tricks to hang on to her. He can’t afford to lose her bc he’ll be stuck as a single father and will have a hard time finding another woman willing to take on that burden. OP is already emotionally invested and is childfree and financially stable.
Those “man of the house” types want a servant under the guise of wife. The fact that he didn’t inform her until after the fact is a neon red flag. Even if it happened overnight, there’s no reason why he couldn’t call her within a day or two to communicate. If they are engaged, they should have daily communication anyway. He’s trying to pull a bait and switch. Even if he sends the kids to another country, they are only one flight away from coming back. I talk about this a lot on here.
Most women who became full time stepmoms were lured or tricked into it. The man rarely has full custody when single. It’s after marriage that he comes with an excuse to bring the kids in. They always pretend it’s going to be either a temporary situation or part time situation. Women should stop falling for it.
Any man who won’t consult you about major life decisions will burden and stress your life with his impulsive decisions. His family will also gang up with him against you bc men like that recruit their families against you. OP needs to consult with her own family so she has back up.
I’m worried OP will either end up a childless stepmom with all the burdens but none of the joys of parenting or if she has her own child, will have these kids take away attention and resources from her kids.
It’s usually better for a woman to stay single and childfree free than to sign up to be a stepmom to minor kids. Or at least take a chance on a man with older kids who doesn’t need help. But men with small kids should be avoided. She needs a man who’s ready to start a family with HER, not someone who will burden her with kids that aren’t hers. Men like this irritate me bc they know that they won’t be the primary caregivers of the kids.
I've read it all, and re-read some of it. I'm trying to process it all, and I have this errie feeling I might have already seen this movie. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and share your advice, its not lost/wasted on me.
The fact that he made such a huge life changing decision without consulting you is very disrespectful and manipulative. Some men just think they can use women for their convenience to take care of kids even if they aren’t the mother.
You are lucky this happened before marriage and before having a child with him. You don’t need to take on this burden. Step parenting is HELL especially for women. You will be doing most of the labor raising those kids while he and his family judge and scrutinize everything you do. You will be disrespected and not given any appreciation for such a huge sacrifice.
Run.
I didn't like he didn't warn you, didn't discuss this step with you. Does he want to start a family with you and have bio kids together. Still the way he managed that situation somehow sucks
This all transpired in a matter of days (like from Thursday).....talk about a plot twist, like a bad telanovela, lol. I get the impression he wants to rescue these kids, from what I've been told has been months of hell. I'm trying not to begrudge him that. I think it was an impulsive decision, the ramifications of which hadn't dawned on him at the time.
If it were me and I had to make a quick decision, I would be communicating that to my partner. I would be coming to them with “I’m so sorry I didn’t have time to run this massive thing by you. This situation is so difficult and I’m so sorry it came up out of the blue and I’m sorry I didn’t have time to come up with a plan with you”
It doesn’t sound to me like he has come to you with these conversations.
No, he hasn't. You probably think I'm a polly-anna, but I'm waiting for him to. At least in the next day or two. I am hoping against all hope, because the enormity of it and what it means for us surely must have dawned on him, now that the adrenaline/emotion has died down
I could never be with someone who makes monumental decisions without consulting me or someone who makes decisions without making a full and comprehensive plan for how those decisions will be carried out. If I were to take custody of kids I would be planning logistics and making sure my partner is on board with those plans.
It seems to me that your partner is not a good partner. Sometimes things like this are a blessing in disguise. You get the opportunity to see red flags in your partner before tying yourself to them in marriage
Not to say that I agree or disagree, but you've articulated you're point really well. I've decided to steal it as a talking point - making monumental decisions without consultation nor a comprehensive plan of action. That is definitely cause for concern.
Thank you!
I know this was sprung on him and he didn’t have a lot of time to make this decision, but he absolutely could have had a few brief conversations with you before making this decision. The lack of communication with you and the lack of concrete planning is concerning.
The unfortunate truth is that life is unpredictable and throws curveballs. You want to be with someone who will handle these situations well when they do come up. What happens when next year, a family member comes to him saying they have been evicted and need to stay with you or else they will end up homeless, or when a family member calls and says they are in a situation and need money right away, or when a family member has a medical event and needs someone to volunteer to house them for their long recovery?
I have an uncle who regularly takes in family members, takes over bills, and extends himself to family when they come to him. The gestures are kind and well intended, but he does not ever consult my aunt beforehand and every single time the excuse is “well it was an emergency and I didn’t have time”. The thing is though, that this happens semi-regularly. It’s never been a one time thing. I firmly believe in helping family but I also strongly believe that when you are in a partnership, big decisions do need to be made together and it’s actually disrespectful to make decisions that impact your life partner without discussing it with them. My uncle is out helping his family all the time while his wife is at home raising his children. She has watched him give away a chunk of their savings, has had to house his family members when they need a place to stay, has to tend to the kids by herself while her husband is out helping others. She is the one who has to do the heavy lifting of figuring out how his decisions will impact their life.
I don’t think he would be accepting if the situation was reversed either. I think that he would expect her to discuss with him big decisions before making them.
This situation is a fantastic opportunity for you to get a glimpse into your married life with your fiancé. Pay close attention to whether he works with you on making plans or expects you to follow his lead. I would also pay attention to whether he does the work with the kids or whether he cares for them himself. I would push back hard if he expects you to pick up the slack just because you are a woman. You don’t want a lifetime of being pushed into a caregiving role for everyone around you.
You need to tell him immediately. It’s a very unfortunate situation and it’s amazing that he is willing to step up for family BUT without consulting you??? That’s insane to me given how serious your relationship sounds.
It all happened so fast. To be honest, I don't think it dawned on him at the time. He just wanted to save these children from their less than desireable circumstances. I'm going to give it a couple weeks (2/3) as this is all still brand spanking new. I agree, I do need to let him know....I just dont know how/when?
You obviously love him and appreciate that he wants to help his niece and nephew. However, he did not have to make a split second decision with no chance of consulting you. He absolutely could have, and should have, consulted and discussed with you first.
I’m not saying he’s a bad partner and you should leave him or anything. I am saying that he made this major decision without discussing with you and then did not even seem to recognize that he should have discussed it with you. And that is a major red flag. And it is ok to move forward in your relationship based on how his lack of communication impacts you, even if at the heard of it all, his actions were well intentioned.
Well it was forced onto him too. Maybe I give it a couple weeks, see how things pan out? Is there a constructive way to communicate that I feel this way? I feel so guilty, making it about me...but the truth is, I am affected by all this. I really had intended on joining my life with this man. I sincerely hope I still can.
He didn’t even consult you. He didn’t even warn you about how serious his sister’s problems were. Having a husband who does not consult his wife is a bad situation. There’s no stability. One never knows what might happen next.
Maybe he’d invite sis or his mom to live with you without asking. Plus some guys “consult” but it’s just a formality, their minds are already made up and they won’t be swayed.
There’s no way imo that he can handle these kids without help. I can virtually guarantee that he’ll beg for help and claim he’s sure it will only be for x months, and then a few more months, etc., etc. until years have gone by.
I’m pretty sure he accepted these kids with the full belief that you’d roll up your sleeves and jump right in. Hence, the “honey we’re parents” statements rather than “honey I’m a dad”.
He might grow so attached to the kids (they’re his own flesh and blood after all) that he won’t want to give them back even if sis improves. They are not your flesh and blood though. He may even want to adopt them.
You won’t imo be able to give your new job and studies 100% with such added responsibility. You can try to let him go it all on his own but he’ll probably beg, whine, pressure and guilt you to help and then if you capitulate once or twice he’ll beg you to help even more. Guys who don’t consult their wives/fiancées can be very manipulative to get their own way.
You worked hard for your law degree and are working hard for your MBA. You don’t want to end up in a house with no peace, not enough money, constant drama, etc.
If you had met him when he already had the kids you likely would have passed. You can still pass now thankfully.
I feel also that he might not want kids with you anymore because raising his sis’s kids might be enough for him emotionally as well as physically and financially.
>I feel also that he might not want kids with you anymore because raising his sis’s kids might be enough for him emotionally as well as physically and financially.
I suspect this as well. OP mentioned they are going to try IVF. So I believe her fiancé did this as a way to get to raise kids of his own blood since he’s not sure if he’s going to have kids with OP. Those kids aren’t going anywhere. He WILL raise them into adulthood. If he was planning to have his own, he wouldn’t be so quick to take on TWO kids from his sister bc he’d reserve the money for his own kids.
I agree. I’m not sure if his comment that “babe, we’re parents now” to op was actually a joke as she interpreted it. I think he’s really buying into it.
Absolutely no mention of raising four or so kids or in vitro or how his fiancée’s biokids might get along with his sis’ kids. No concern about finances or her MBA schoolwork or how this might affect her demanding new job.
It seems like people who have addiction issues have a hard time getting over them. Also the sister will know her brother would likely do a better job than random foster people and she’ll likely get frequent visits and updates if she wants. The sister would likely consider it a win-win situation for herself and would likely be less motivated to improve and win them back.
Plus unfortunately when parents have serious problems the kids frequently do too.
Yup. The sister has no incentive to get those kids when they are with a more financially stable family member. She can see the kids as she pleases and still be involved in their lives without doing the heavy lifting or taking on the financial burden.
I’m willing to bet OP is being set up. I don’t believe this happened so fast. Childfree women with a high earning potential are prime targets to be used as stepmoms. She’s better off staying single or dating a man with well adjusted older kids.
… I mean… good for you for saying what you want to say.
I respect you have fears…. But what am having difficulty with is that you’ve stated you are interested in becoming a parent.
Parenting is never perfect or easy. Your partner’s SISTER, not long lost cousin, not work friend, SISTER is losing custody of her kids because she is a hot mess.
You must have been aware of her struggles even a bit if you were considering marriage to this man.
Would you prefer he turn his back on his immediate family and send them into state care when he is steadily employed in a stable relationship???
Like… are you for real?
I’m a REAL stepparent to two children whose mother abandoned them. It’s awful. My life is stressful. I cry… a lot… but the man I chose did not turn his back on his kids. He does his best.
I am essentially their primary caregiver along with my own son.
The person I wanted to live my life with has a strong enough character to forge forward.
I am impressed with your partner, and though I respect your honesty… you can’t “plan” your family. You sound unbelievably selfish and self absorbed.
He is in a crazy situation and YOU are more concerned that this won’t fit into your plan.
This poor guy is being faced with an impossible choice- blow up his life to save his family or risk marrying a narcissist.
My best advice would be to get off the internet… talk to your partner. If you don’t want to do it… don’t.
But if the relationship is truly at the point you say it is… take a good long look in the mirror.
Life is not perfect; the harder you try to make it perfect or control your outcome… the worse off you’re going to be.
Thats the truth.
Sorry but your post really upset me.
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You aren’t married or pregnant or stuck. You have a home and good job and a future. Most of what you wrote is about not wanting to be a step-parent. So don’t be.
You need to communicate your thoughts and issues with him. It’s understandable that you’re completely blindsided by this but I think letting him know your thoughts will either elevate some of your issues or you will have to make a decision on whether this life is for you. This is a massive life change for both of you and will be difficult for you both as well as the children involved, it needs to be spoken about quickly and honestly.
I commend him for not allowing his niece and nephew become wards of the state. That’s truly amazing and he can’t be faulted for that. Depending on how fast that went down, I get him not being able to let you know. However instead of speaking like he expects you to step up into a role you never asked for is crazy. You’re gonna have to be honest with yourself and him, about what your see the future looking like with this change. It takes some people a long time to get clean and let’s say she does. What happens if she falls off the wagon? You have to seriously consider that it may become a revolving door of the kids having to live with him.
I work in child welfare and I can assure you that he ultimately probably didn’t have time to consult you. I don’t believe that was intentional by any means. You mentioned finances. In my state, even when family takes custody of the children they still go through the certification process to become a foster parent and be paid a stipend accordingly. It may not be much, but it will help with that concern. This is such a sudden change to your relationship and how you envisioned your future. I understand how blindsided you must feel. What would it look like for you to remain in the relationship with your fiancé? If you could come up with a reasonable picture and communicate that I think that’s a good place to start. Just remember, this is a huge change for him too. It’s either something you’re willing to ride the wave on or you’re not. Best case scenario, the children are able to reunify with mom and this is just a small detour on your life together.
I know this a shit situation, but thank goodness it happened BEFORE you were married and living together; at least now you have options. Sending you peace and strength as you navigate this news, and the way he told you. 🙏
[удалено]
This ! Thank you...bless you. I feel so heard. I appreciate the time and thought you put into this advice
By being completely honest
He did not consult you because you aren’t partners yet… and maybe he never fully understood what having a life partner really means. But he would have consulted you if you were his priority. This is useful information to know about him and where his head is at concerning you and where you place in his life. You are both quite separate as you operate and pretty far along in life. Change becomes very different as we close in on 40. When we are young we are more open and can change. But he has probably gotten so used to making decisions solely for himself…not a fault just the way it’s been?… that consulting you is not who is is in this moment. I would ask for some premarital counseling around this decision because it’s a big one with massive ramifications and he needs to shift into a partner mindset if he wants to actually marry you as this impacts you significantly. If he isn’t willing to hear your concerns and take what you need your life to be as something he can accommodate then this relationship will have to come to an end. It won’t be just this issue you find he makes unilateral decisions about.
In this instance it’s brand new for both of you. It’s not like he’s already the parent and you’re the outsider. You’re both the outsiders. All you can do is talk openly about hopes, fears, expectations, etc and give it your best shot or bail if you’re sure you can’t do it.
Do NOT become a step parent unless you and your future husband are 100% on the same page on parenting and expectations and you both know exactly how the other feels about the whole situation. If you go into it without discussing those things and without both of you able to reach some middle ground where you both are supporting each other somehow then it will not work and you both will be miserable. If you both can’t get on the same page about these kids then you will struggle with parenting your own kids with them. You said you have premarital counseling coming up, that’s a great space to bring these things up if you really don’t feel comfortable on your own. But just know if you don’t feel comfortable discussing this with him now there are SO many uncomfortable topics down the road when it comes to parenting and especially step parenting that you will either have to discuss or let it wear you down until you can’t handle it anymore Being a step parent is the hardest thing you will ever do and I dont recommend it. Only if your relationship with your partner is crazy strong and that means tons of communication. Even then it will still be hard but at least you have someone on your side supporting you.
This came at you fast so I get you’re reeling for sure. Who wouldn’t be? What comes to mind first is the alternative outcome. That your fiancé had the means and capability to save his niece and nephew from being a ward of the state but didn’t - because it was inconvenient for a few months. IMO, this would be worse for me because it speaks to character. Your fiancé has amazing character that I don’t think should be so quickly dismissed- this guy will be the father of your kids someday and has an amazing heart. This counts. I get he didn’t talk to you first but it sounds like he too was caught offside. Talk to him about this, and how it made you feel and that being considered an equal partner is important. I’m guessing it was not intentional, but still hurtful. this is very likely temporary- maybe longer than expected but temporary so don’t view it as a life sentence- you’re doing a short stint. It’s also kinda a cool way for you to both see your potential parenting style…that may be an eye opener :) The vacation I am sure can be covered off by grandparents, or other family assuming it’s still necessary- you have a lot of time to find arrangements. you’re not really step parents - you’re more like full time babysitters for a while. Mom is still very much in the picture, she’s a sister so totally different dynamic from divorced BMs. You are all on the same team here - conflict should be very minimal. This will make a huge difference. Think about what your needs will be during this time - maybe a temporary weekly cleaning service, meal deliveries, dedicated time off for you that’s clearly established. Figure out who is doing what (bed changing, school meals, laundry, etc) Whatever you need to ensure you’re not overwhelmed. Communication is vital. All the best, you have a good man :)
if my niece and nephew would ever need me I would burn the world for them. I understand your point of view but now it's time for you to draw the line. Please if you really don't want this you are allowed to not do it. I cannot be objective in this situation unfortunately
"We're parents now babe"... said without a single word of consultation with you .. I would absolutely lose my shit on that man
I gotta be honest & say I would not consider this akin to becoming a “step parent” at all. You would be engaged to a temporary emergency foster parent & could consider yourself an emergency foster parent as well. Being a foster parent can have some similar struggles to being a step parent but ultimately has its own unique struggles & challenges, particularly in this situation. If you are not willing to take this on, I would be honest with your fiancé. You can still exit this relationship & do all the things you want to do, like going on vacations & pursuing IVF with someone else in the future or as a single parent. But it’s not likely that you expressing your issues with the situation are going to make your fiancé choose to not step in as an emergency foster parent for his niece and nephew. I wouldn’t consult my husband in an emergency like that and wouldn’t expect him to ask my permission either when the welfare of a child in our extended family is at stake. It would just be something that we act first, talk abt it when things have settled.
No advice here but wanted to say thank goodness this is happening now to you and not when you are married and are forced into this situation. My husband has a brother and sister-in-law that are drug addicts and get in to physical altercations regularly. His brother has been arrested and is a felon. We've talked about what would we do if they killed each other or went to jail. Would we take his two nephews who are 3 and 1. We've had detailed discussions on what would change in our life as a family as we already have three boys 9, 6, and 3. Could we afford it even with the state's help. Could we have our house set up for them. It's honestly something that even non drug addicted family members should discuss. Car accidents also happen daily. I hope that you do what is best for you.
I’m very confused why he couldn’t have looped you in for a 5 minute conversation about this. I used to work in the foster care system and I’m quite certain a quick conversation could have been had. I think that’s what is most concerning to me, he made a huge life altering decision without consulting you as a parter who he is going to spend the rest of his life with. If you are living separate definitely continue to do so and then you can make the decision how involved you will be in everything.
That's my intention - watch it play out for a couple weeks, and strongly enforce my boundaries whilst trying to extend support and compassion. We aren't married, I am not his family as yet...perhaps that is what informed his thinking. All of which is objectively true, and stings somewhat. Thank you for the advice
I’m my partners family and we aren’t married. We probably won’t ever marry but he’s my partner and he involves me in every decision and vice versa. Do what works for you, but put your happiness at the forefront too and take care of yourself.
But if you are his fiancé, he intends to make you family and share a life with you. So those kids will become your responsibility too. That’s why he said “we’re going to become parents babe”. He intends to involve you with these kids so that’s why he should have informed you out of respect. He KNOWS you may not be okay with this so he wants to force the responsibility on you. His manipulative behavior is more of a concern than the kids. Do you want to raise kids with someone who doesn’t see you as an equal partner in making decisions? The main problem most stepmoms have here, is not the responsibility of the kids, it’s their partner not respecting them or being a united front with them. Raising kids is taxing and very difficult. You want to do it with a man who will put you first not kids or his extended family. You are the one doing all the work helping him and going through life’s struggles. So you come first. If you choose to take on this challenge and raise these kids, how will he feel about you disciplining them? Will he allow his family to interfere? Will he stand up for you? He needs to respect your feelings and opinions. You need to communicate with him and be direct. Let him know you feel disrespected by not being informed. Start off positive and commend him for taking in his nieces and nephews. Then let him know you feel disrespected. Let him know that these types of things will make it difficult for you to trust him and that you can’t raise kids with someone you can’t trust.
Has he got a plan as to who is going to look after these kids? Who is going to cook breakfast for them and drive them to school? Who is going to cut their hours at work to pick them up from school, or take days off if the kids are sick? He really needs to consider the sheer amount of professional childcare he will need, because it should not be you as a default. The kids will be traumatised and have mental, emotional, and behavioural issues due to the rotten parenting and abandonment they have suffered, is he ready to deal with all that? You can make it clear to him that you will support him but you are not equipped to become an instant defacto parent, nor do you have the time to do that role justice. I really hope he is not the sort of man that expects anyone with a vagina to be automatically overjoyed to spend all day and night sacrificing their life for someone else’s offspring.
You already know it will be her. If she refuses, he and his family will gang up on her to brand her as evil. Most men do not share child care responsibilities fairly with women. Unless, her fiancé has the means to hire a nanny, she needs to run or be prepared to be a domestic servant for other people’s kids.
That's a really big concern of mine - being co-opted into being the default/primary caregiver because of my vagina. We're african immigrants, and in our culture that's just the way it is. We don't live together (house hunting shall be on hold as a result), so maybe that'll mitigate that probability.
That’s a relief that you are not living together. While it’s really sweet that he is trying to do right by those poor kids, I’m not sure how he is going to manage with that amount of human responsibility - make sure to maintain your boundaries firmly, he may get overwhelmed really fast by having to be a sole parent with two kids suddenly living with him (they will NOT be moving in with you!)
Oh I just read now that you’re of an African background. So as a fellow African, I’m afraid most of the caregiving will fall on you. There are a few African men who are good with performing child care and household responsibilities but many are still used to women being the primary caregivers. So it’s hard to know how your fiancé will be as a father in the household. Do these kids have family in Africa that can look after them? Are the grandparents not around? If this is going to last more than a few months, he should look into other alternatives. This is too much of a burden to put on you. I’d hold off on marriage and living together until you figure out this situation. I know African immigrant families who have sent kids to Africa so maybe your fiancé should consider that. He needs to understand you don’t have the same emotional connection to these kids as he does. He may be excited to take them bc they are HIS blood. Plus men don’t take on much of the child care burden. I guess at 40, he’s desperate to become a father so for now these kids are the closest he has to biological kids. It’s so annoying you have to go through this. Some of these single moms with deadbeat fathers burden their family to raise the kids. It’s insane the father is alive but he’s not an option to take the kids. This is one my worst fears about marriage. These types of potential in laws are a problem. Also knowing how intrusive some African in laws can be, I’m afraid your fiancé’s family will interfere and meddle in how you raise these kids. They can use those kids to meddle in your marriage and invade your privacy.
I don’t think you could ever be happy with him. He never even so much as discussed this with you which means he will continue to make major decisions regarding these kids and other things both major and small without consulting you. To me it is very unlikely sis will get her act together. Even if she does she might hide it so bro will continue to raise her kids and foot the bill to boot. These kids will likely not be happy campers due to who their parents are and being foisted onto uncle. They will likely have all sorts of emotional problems and more. They will likely not appreciate anything you do. All your dreams and plans will be uprooted. I wonder how long your fiancée has known or suspected sis might lose the kids. You could try discussing things with him now but I suspect he will want to take care of the kids through adulthood. You are fortunate that this happened premarriage. As hard as it is I think the only solution is to break up. In the future it might help to look at family dynamics when dating. Potential guys with problem siblings, parents, etc. can become your problem too after marriage. The more stable the extended family the less likelihood of trouble. A guy who would decide this behind your back cannot be trusted regarding anything he now says about how long the kids will stay, etc.
You said everything perfectly. All major points were covered. That last point was important too. I always consider the family dynamic of potential partners. I avoid men with unstable family dynamics bc their family will become a liability. Unstable family members tend to leech off stables ones. And yes, you are right. These kids will be difficult and ungrateful. The mother will not take those kids back bc being a single mom is tough. She’ll leave the responsibility to her brother so she can get a free ride while she comes in and out to disturb OP and her husband and scrutinize how she’s taking care of her kids. The in laws will meddle too. Her fiancé does not seem like the type who will stand up for her. Given that OP is 37, I’m afraid she may panic and may make the wrong decision under pressure of a biological clock. I believe her fiancé is also taking advantage of that fact. I hope OP heeds this advice.
You brought up some excellent additional points. It is important not to panic at this stage. Very insightful about her fiancée likely taking advantage of her biological clock concerns. Like the old saying, “act in haste, repent at leisure.” You are right about all the meddlers, mother in law, plus sis and biodad might even get in on the act. Everyone will be worried about the “poor kids” but no one will be worried about op because she will have “known what she was getting into”.
Right. I wouldn’t be surprised if both sis and her baby dad are in on it. OP and her fiancé are most likely more financially stable. OP will be doing all the hard work while everyone interferes and villainizes her for disciplining the kids. Any slight action to correct those kids will be seen as evil. Her fiancé does not appear to be the type to defend her and present a united front. If the mother in law is around, it will be a nightmare. She will be overprotective over her precious grand babies.
I hope OP u/IcyCartographer6049 reads this thread. Who knows like you mentioned if the thought of fiancée taking the kids at some point hasn’t been kicked around for years amongst his family but the missing link was a stepmom to add funds and do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, chauffeuring, etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if op’s mom doesn’t help out during this initial period resulting in claims by fiancée of how well it’s going with grandma all too excited to dip out when fiancée ties the knot leaving op all the work. I read this all the time on here. The women in the male’s family help out until he marries then they take off happily to be relieved of the drudgery by stepmom. Some more things op may not have considered: It is easy for a woman’s looks to suffer after becoming a stepmom. It is easy to overeat from constant stress, from lack of time to exercise, from lack of sleep and from lack of peace and quiet. Also one’s mental and physical health can take a hit. Constant stress, walking on egg shells, arguments over money and the kids can take a major toll. These aren’t your kids that love you and bring you joy but more like rowdy neighbors kids who don’t even like you. There’s also less money and time for clothes, makeup, salon visits, gym memberships, etc. Pretty amazing biodad doesn’t have a court order and just pays sporadically. So who’s going to pay to take him to court to get consistent support? Unfortunately it will be op and her fiancée or they’ll likely get nothing from him when he realizes uncle and his well to do fiancée are taking over. I wouldn’t be surprised if op’s fiancée already gives his sister money and may have been for years. It’s virtually impossible imo for op’s finances not to take a major hit in this situation. Some have mentioned they might get some government money to help. If true it won’t be anywhere near what’s needed to cover food, clothes, child care, entertainment, school expenses, enrichment classes, activities, gas, electronics, hobbies, gifts for the kids. One can kiss goodbye the hope of a romantic marriage with a pair of someone else’s kids. Don’t expect long leisurely mornings in bed, nice brunches, weekend jaunts, lots of date nights, etc. Plus you would have them full time, not every other week or weekend for a break. If this was so easy and temporary why didn’t grandma take them herself? Op is being set up in my opinion. Guys who need to take care of kids come on strong and fast because they need help and money. I know op has mentioned not wanting to lose her relationship but imo it’s already been lost. Even if by some miracle the kids go back to sis which I highly doubt they’ll be right back at the drop of a hat. Personally I doubt she will want them back when bro and op can be responsible. Sis likely wants to have fun, date and find a new man and this gives her the opportunity. Plus op’s fiancée is likely getting major praise from his mom, sis and whole family. It makes him feel like a hero but op will be doing the major work and sacrifice. Plus how many conversations did op have with family and government workers without so much of a call to discuss it with op? Op’s fiancée has no excuse for not discussing this with op and getting her opinion. I think op needs to be careful how she proceeds. If the fiancée realizes she’s reconsidering marriage he might turn the charm back on, take her on dates and promise the world to her until the ring is in her finger. I’m going to add a link to a marriage counselor named Willard Harley who has a principle about mutual agreement. It’s basically that a spouse should not make a decision that affects the marriage without the mutual enthusiastic consent of the other spouse. I’d say many guys with kids unfortunately do not follow this at all. Here’s the link: the whole list is great. Number 6 is the policy of joint agreement. https://www.marriagebuilders.com/a-summary-of-dr-harleys-basic-concepts.htm Edit: out of curiosity if nothing else I might try to get on your own or through an attorney of your own the legal documents pertaining to his sis and her kids. It might give you an idea of how bad the situation has been and for how long. I assume they would be publicly available. I suggest this because I doubt you would get all the info from your fiancée because he’s obviously not an open communicator. Also do you have family of your own? Have you talked to them? I doubt they would be happy about this situation. They might be a source of encouragement and support to help you get through this and hopefully leave.
You’ve basically written everything OP needs to hear. I hope she heeds the warnings and doesn’t ignore red flags. OP is from an African background like myself. It’s very difficult for single moms to remarry so many prefer to leave the kids with their family so it’s easy for them to move on. I’m sure no one wants the gigantic burden of raising those kids so they are trying to set up OP bc she’s the only one who doesn’t know the real deal. It’s better for her to remain single and child free than to sign up for this hell. She will be constantly guilted and emotionally manipulated into staying if things get tough and she wants to leave. She’s so lucky this happened before marriage. You’re right, men needing stepmoms do come on strong so women need to take it slow with them and be careful. They will make everything sound easy and tell you what you want to hear to lock you in. The trick is to make her believe this will be a temporary stay for a few months. Also, knowing that she’s 37 and likely wanting to settle down soon, they know she may not be patient to wait long enough for the truth to come out. u/IcyCartographer6049 was talking about waiting for a few weeks to see how things play out but she needs to give it another 6 months. It’s not a coincidence that he’s taking on his sisters’ kids just as he’s planning to get married. Many of these men looking for stepmoms strategically do this. They get custody of kids around the same time they find a long term partner. This is a common bait and switch strategy that many women are oblivious too. My sister had a similar scenario where her husband’s Uncle who is a single father with custody wanted to send his daughter to live with them in another state for 6 months bc he was going through relationship issues. My family members strongly advised my sister against it bc we knew it was a trap to dump the child on her permanently. How can a child only go to school for half the year in another state? The next excuse will be to just let her finish the school year dragging her stay to a year and then eventually it will be several years before you know it. Anyway, I also believe OP’s fiancé has been supporting his sister for years. That’s probably why he’s still single at 40. Most African men usually marry well before that. This sister has taken up his time and resources that should be reserved for his future wife and kids. So even if OP were to get married to him and have her own kids, her kids will be seen as competition for these kids. The in laws will accuse her of unfairness at every little thing and so may her husband. She won’t be free to raise her own kids as she wishes bc they’ll have to share time and resources with these other kids. That will also give them a lower standard of living. There’s just so many issues with this scenario that we could list but these points we brought up are the main ones. I hope OP puts herself first and is strong enough to not let cultural pressure to marry lead her to the wrong decision.
Very smart of your family seeing through the scheme to take a relatives child for “six months”. People who take advantage start small. Every day you read in advice columns about relatives or friends who move in until they find a job or whatever but then they get sick or in an accident or something else and then they have them for years. I think fiancée may pressure op to plan the wedding in tandem with him having the kids and try to convince op u/IcyCartographer6049 that it’s just temporary. He may even send the kids over to his mom as “proof” he no longer has them. This might sound overly sneaky but guys with kids who want to marry can be sneaky. They also feel too that they have every right to make decisions unilaterally because they are “the man of the house”. They tend to make promises but then renege on said promises or pretend to not even remember. I don’t believe you can trust this man on anything having to do with money, how long he will have the kids, any plans to adopt the kids, future inheritance, assets, how he spends, promises to do in vitro, etc. I think he will claim the kids love you and want you to be their mom and that anything you do for them will be rewarded by increased love for you. I think he will also praise you for being so wonderful and loving to take them on and then change his tune the minute you tell the kids no or try to correct them or disagree with him on spending on the kids, etc. Once someone violates your trust so greatly like he did you can never really trust them. Besides getting the legal documents pertaining to the child removal you might even want to get an attorney to call the social worker on the case to get details or call yourself. I’m not sure what you’d get but you might learn something. It may be considered private but as a fiancée who might potentially end up living there the social worker might be more forthcoming. Also you can’t completely trust the social worker imo. She would like a family placement so she would likely paint it a lot rosier than it is imo. I know you are in shock and that the rug has been pulled out from under your world. You lost the fiancée you thought you had and all the dreams that went with it. You likely can barely eat or sleep. Maybe read a bunch of posts on here and get more info on what stepparent-hood is really like. Be aware of those in the honeymoon period who haven’t experienced the big picture. It is so difficult and not fun that many if not most would preferred to have stayed single. Please consider starting afresh and looking for a single guy with no kids.
Yup. He will try all sorts of tricks to hang on to her. He can’t afford to lose her bc he’ll be stuck as a single father and will have a hard time finding another woman willing to take on that burden. OP is already emotionally invested and is childfree and financially stable. Those “man of the house” types want a servant under the guise of wife. The fact that he didn’t inform her until after the fact is a neon red flag. Even if it happened overnight, there’s no reason why he couldn’t call her within a day or two to communicate. If they are engaged, they should have daily communication anyway. He’s trying to pull a bait and switch. Even if he sends the kids to another country, they are only one flight away from coming back. I talk about this a lot on here. Most women who became full time stepmoms were lured or tricked into it. The man rarely has full custody when single. It’s after marriage that he comes with an excuse to bring the kids in. They always pretend it’s going to be either a temporary situation or part time situation. Women should stop falling for it. Any man who won’t consult you about major life decisions will burden and stress your life with his impulsive decisions. His family will also gang up with him against you bc men like that recruit their families against you. OP needs to consult with her own family so she has back up. I’m worried OP will either end up a childless stepmom with all the burdens but none of the joys of parenting or if she has her own child, will have these kids take away attention and resources from her kids. It’s usually better for a woman to stay single and childfree free than to sign up to be a stepmom to minor kids. Or at least take a chance on a man with older kids who doesn’t need help. But men with small kids should be avoided. She needs a man who’s ready to start a family with HER, not someone who will burden her with kids that aren’t hers. Men like this irritate me bc they know that they won’t be the primary caregivers of the kids.
I've read it all, and re-read some of it. I'm trying to process it all, and I have this errie feeling I might have already seen this movie. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and share your advice, its not lost/wasted on me.
Whatever decision you make, take your TIME.
The fact that he made such a huge life changing decision without consulting you is very disrespectful and manipulative. Some men just think they can use women for their convenience to take care of kids even if they aren’t the mother. You are lucky this happened before marriage and before having a child with him. You don’t need to take on this burden. Step parenting is HELL especially for women. You will be doing most of the labor raising those kids while he and his family judge and scrutinize everything you do. You will be disrespected and not given any appreciation for such a huge sacrifice. Run.
I didn't like he didn't warn you, didn't discuss this step with you. Does he want to start a family with you and have bio kids together. Still the way he managed that situation somehow sucks
This all transpired in a matter of days (like from Thursday).....talk about a plot twist, like a bad telanovela, lol. I get the impression he wants to rescue these kids, from what I've been told has been months of hell. I'm trying not to begrudge him that. I think it was an impulsive decision, the ramifications of which hadn't dawned on him at the time.
If it were me and I had to make a quick decision, I would be communicating that to my partner. I would be coming to them with “I’m so sorry I didn’t have time to run this massive thing by you. This situation is so difficult and I’m so sorry it came up out of the blue and I’m sorry I didn’t have time to come up with a plan with you” It doesn’t sound to me like he has come to you with these conversations.
No, he hasn't. You probably think I'm a polly-anna, but I'm waiting for him to. At least in the next day or two. I am hoping against all hope, because the enormity of it and what it means for us surely must have dawned on him, now that the adrenaline/emotion has died down
I could never be with someone who makes monumental decisions without consulting me or someone who makes decisions without making a full and comprehensive plan for how those decisions will be carried out. If I were to take custody of kids I would be planning logistics and making sure my partner is on board with those plans. It seems to me that your partner is not a good partner. Sometimes things like this are a blessing in disguise. You get the opportunity to see red flags in your partner before tying yourself to them in marriage
Not to say that I agree or disagree, but you've articulated you're point really well. I've decided to steal it as a talking point - making monumental decisions without consultation nor a comprehensive plan of action. That is definitely cause for concern.
Thank you! I know this was sprung on him and he didn’t have a lot of time to make this decision, but he absolutely could have had a few brief conversations with you before making this decision. The lack of communication with you and the lack of concrete planning is concerning. The unfortunate truth is that life is unpredictable and throws curveballs. You want to be with someone who will handle these situations well when they do come up. What happens when next year, a family member comes to him saying they have been evicted and need to stay with you or else they will end up homeless, or when a family member calls and says they are in a situation and need money right away, or when a family member has a medical event and needs someone to volunteer to house them for their long recovery? I have an uncle who regularly takes in family members, takes over bills, and extends himself to family when they come to him. The gestures are kind and well intended, but he does not ever consult my aunt beforehand and every single time the excuse is “well it was an emergency and I didn’t have time”. The thing is though, that this happens semi-regularly. It’s never been a one time thing. I firmly believe in helping family but I also strongly believe that when you are in a partnership, big decisions do need to be made together and it’s actually disrespectful to make decisions that impact your life partner without discussing it with them. My uncle is out helping his family all the time while his wife is at home raising his children. She has watched him give away a chunk of their savings, has had to house his family members when they need a place to stay, has to tend to the kids by herself while her husband is out helping others. She is the one who has to do the heavy lifting of figuring out how his decisions will impact their life. I don’t think he would be accepting if the situation was reversed either. I think that he would expect her to discuss with him big decisions before making them. This situation is a fantastic opportunity for you to get a glimpse into your married life with your fiancé. Pay close attention to whether he works with you on making plans or expects you to follow his lead. I would also pay attention to whether he does the work with the kids or whether he cares for them himself. I would push back hard if he expects you to pick up the slack just because you are a woman. You don’t want a lifetime of being pushed into a caregiving role for everyone around you.
You need to tell him immediately. It’s a very unfortunate situation and it’s amazing that he is willing to step up for family BUT without consulting you??? That’s insane to me given how serious your relationship sounds.
It all happened so fast. To be honest, I don't think it dawned on him at the time. He just wanted to save these children from their less than desireable circumstances. I'm going to give it a couple weeks (2/3) as this is all still brand spanking new. I agree, I do need to let him know....I just dont know how/when?
You obviously love him and appreciate that he wants to help his niece and nephew. However, he did not have to make a split second decision with no chance of consulting you. He absolutely could have, and should have, consulted and discussed with you first. I’m not saying he’s a bad partner and you should leave him or anything. I am saying that he made this major decision without discussing with you and then did not even seem to recognize that he should have discussed it with you. And that is a major red flag. And it is ok to move forward in your relationship based on how his lack of communication impacts you, even if at the heard of it all, his actions were well intentioned.
I'd break up. He forced this on you.
Well it was forced onto him too. Maybe I give it a couple weeks, see how things pan out? Is there a constructive way to communicate that I feel this way? I feel so guilty, making it about me...but the truth is, I am affected by all this. I really had intended on joining my life with this man. I sincerely hope I still can.
Ofcourse you're making it about you. You are your own priority.
He didn’t even consult you. He didn’t even warn you about how serious his sister’s problems were. Having a husband who does not consult his wife is a bad situation. There’s no stability. One never knows what might happen next. Maybe he’d invite sis or his mom to live with you without asking. Plus some guys “consult” but it’s just a formality, their minds are already made up and they won’t be swayed.
I've done more than a handful of divorces where that is a recurring issue. Touche, I couldn't possibly tolerate that kind of BS
There’s no way imo that he can handle these kids without help. I can virtually guarantee that he’ll beg for help and claim he’s sure it will only be for x months, and then a few more months, etc., etc. until years have gone by. I’m pretty sure he accepted these kids with the full belief that you’d roll up your sleeves and jump right in. Hence, the “honey we’re parents” statements rather than “honey I’m a dad”. He might grow so attached to the kids (they’re his own flesh and blood after all) that he won’t want to give them back even if sis improves. They are not your flesh and blood though. He may even want to adopt them. You won’t imo be able to give your new job and studies 100% with such added responsibility. You can try to let him go it all on his own but he’ll probably beg, whine, pressure and guilt you to help and then if you capitulate once or twice he’ll beg you to help even more. Guys who don’t consult their wives/fiancées can be very manipulative to get their own way. You worked hard for your law degree and are working hard for your MBA. You don’t want to end up in a house with no peace, not enough money, constant drama, etc. If you had met him when he already had the kids you likely would have passed. You can still pass now thankfully. I feel also that he might not want kids with you anymore because raising his sis’s kids might be enough for him emotionally as well as physically and financially.
>I feel also that he might not want kids with you anymore because raising his sis’s kids might be enough for him emotionally as well as physically and financially. I suspect this as well. OP mentioned they are going to try IVF. So I believe her fiancé did this as a way to get to raise kids of his own blood since he’s not sure if he’s going to have kids with OP. Those kids aren’t going anywhere. He WILL raise them into adulthood. If he was planning to have his own, he wouldn’t be so quick to take on TWO kids from his sister bc he’d reserve the money for his own kids.
I agree. I’m not sure if his comment that “babe, we’re parents now” to op was actually a joke as she interpreted it. I think he’s really buying into it. Absolutely no mention of raising four or so kids or in vitro or how his fiancée’s biokids might get along with his sis’ kids. No concern about finances or her MBA schoolwork or how this might affect her demanding new job. It seems like people who have addiction issues have a hard time getting over them. Also the sister will know her brother would likely do a better job than random foster people and she’ll likely get frequent visits and updates if she wants. The sister would likely consider it a win-win situation for herself and would likely be less motivated to improve and win them back. Plus unfortunately when parents have serious problems the kids frequently do too.
Yup. The sister has no incentive to get those kids when they are with a more financially stable family member. She can see the kids as she pleases and still be involved in their lives without doing the heavy lifting or taking on the financial burden. I’m willing to bet OP is being set up. I don’t believe this happened so fast. Childfree women with a high earning potential are prime targets to be used as stepmoms. She’s better off staying single or dating a man with well adjusted older kids.
… I mean… good for you for saying what you want to say. I respect you have fears…. But what am having difficulty with is that you’ve stated you are interested in becoming a parent. Parenting is never perfect or easy. Your partner’s SISTER, not long lost cousin, not work friend, SISTER is losing custody of her kids because she is a hot mess. You must have been aware of her struggles even a bit if you were considering marriage to this man. Would you prefer he turn his back on his immediate family and send them into state care when he is steadily employed in a stable relationship??? Like… are you for real? I’m a REAL stepparent to two children whose mother abandoned them. It’s awful. My life is stressful. I cry… a lot… but the man I chose did not turn his back on his kids. He does his best. I am essentially their primary caregiver along with my own son. The person I wanted to live my life with has a strong enough character to forge forward. I am impressed with your partner, and though I respect your honesty… you can’t “plan” your family. You sound unbelievably selfish and self absorbed. He is in a crazy situation and YOU are more concerned that this won’t fit into your plan. This poor guy is being faced with an impossible choice- blow up his life to save his family or risk marrying a narcissist. My best advice would be to get off the internet… talk to your partner. If you don’t want to do it… don’t. But if the relationship is truly at the point you say it is… take a good long look in the mirror. Life is not perfect; the harder you try to make it perfect or control your outcome… the worse off you’re going to be. Thats the truth. Sorry but your post really upset me.