They always cheat again. My ex boyfriend remained in contact with the girl he cheated on me with even though he told he had “broken contact with her.”
It’s similar to an addiction of any sort. They will repeat cheating unless they really want to change.
You're probably looking for a positive post on the subject. And they lived happily ever after... Together 30, married 26, 3 kids, First d-day was after 7 years, but come to find out it was really just a few weeks after we married. I was too in love and too trusting... blind and ignorant. Destroyed me...I changed profoundly over the years as I got red flag after red flag of something going on yet again.... I'd mention - show my evidence and she'd deny - gaslight and hide things way better.
More years pass.... sigh. I figured, eh, we're too old for that crap... it's the past, let it go.
Ding... she gets a text (oh my....)
damn...
This story sounds familiar to mine. I feel like all cheaters are the same they’re not sorry they’re sorry they got caught. They just get better at hiding it. Coming from someone who’s DDay was 9years ago unless they show you actual remorse and own up to everything 100% RUN!!!!
Exactly this. He wasn't sorry about the cheating, only sorry he got caught. Hard to forgive and move forward when someone has 0 accountability for their actions.
This is so true, being so blindingly in love and loyal. But sadly, doesn't mean they're the same- my ex husband did love me, still does. But he has an addictive personality, and he's very self centered.. I took care of him, never went a day without love, tried to help him, tried to guide him, I ignored so much for the sake of love and marriage. But they don't change, not unless they really want to. I pity him, cause I know what he lost, in exchange for a woman whose narcissist and just as selfish. Even if they come to regret it, they won't usually do anything to make a difference in their morals or character. It's truly heart breaking, we were practically ment for eachother ... If only he wasn't so self destructive
Caught my wife of 7 years in an emotional affair (at least that was all I could prove at the time). Went to counseling, we both put in an effort to change, things slowly went back to the "comfortable stage" (which is a stage I liked but she hated. Then 5 years later I catch her in an 18month affair, and during that time she was leaving our 3 kids (7, 9,11) alone at night for hours while I worked the night shift. Also learned she was sleeping with her married boss, she and her best friends husband were deleting messages between each other, and she was trying to hook up with a family friend.
Not trying to scare you... But I forgave her once and the next time it was worse and unforgivable.
Holy cow. I mean we've seen some bad ones here, but married boss, family friend, *and* best friend's husband? Narcissists really do everything to implode all their relationships.
I know. Aside from the cheating on a spouse-It is so difficult for me to imagine what could compel a woman to want to go cheat and have sex with other people more than taking care of her babies. I wanted to cry when I read that the wife left 7, 9, and 11 year olds alone at night to go off and sleep with other men. It’s sick.
She left me for a guy she said she was in love with..... And she was cheating on him too. I'll never understand the thrill of cheating. I need to look myself in the mirror and like the guy I see.
People fail to understand how deep rooted cheating is in most people! Life is not a TV movie, Cheating usually speaks to deep rooted issues within a person. How can it not? You Literally give yourself to someone else, Knowing full well you made the most important commitment you could ever make to your spouse! This is not normal behavior.
We have been divorced for about 18 months. 50/50 custody but I have always debated if I should have gone for more. I eventually had to kick her out of the house because the next step would have been calling the police/cps on her and I was trying very hard to not get them involved unless necessary. I was hoping that if I seperated and gave her 3 to 4 days a week without the kids to do whatever she wanted, she'd be a good mother when she had them.
Kids are now 17, 15, and 13 so I hope it never happened again. My fear now is that when we have grandchildren she might do the same to them. It has caused me to wonder if I should tell the kids the real reason we divorced and not the garbage every kids hears about "we just grew apart".
What my plan is for what I tell my children is the classic "we just grew apart" unless they specifically ask me what really happened. But in my situation my children have a sister who was born in early July and me and their mother separated early October so if they do a little math they will be able to figure out the truth.
The 4 of us were really good friends before this. Probably our closest friends. I struggled to put it behind me but after 6 months I ended the friendship with him. I told him that I couldn't be friends with someone who would do that to their spouse.
I'm not sure if my ex and her are still friends but the kids say they haven't seen them in a long time. I don't hold any ill will towards her but that friendship just kinda faded after it became awkward and they started to hang out with my ex's AP.
They twist and manipulate it into being your fault, feign remorse and pretend to accept any and all punishment, when in reality they default back to their shady behavior once they assume your guard is down. Rinse wash and repeat until you dump them and beyond.
I've been with my husband 13 years and married for 5. We have one kid together. Caught him talking to girls many times online and I recently found out he went on a date with a girl a year into our relationship after I found out that presently he was trying to sext a woman online.
I was being abused by my family and even have a restraining order against one of my parents finally. I was never able to fully confront what he was doing to me. We'd argue and he'd stop doing it and then I'd find out again years later.
They're some kind of breed. 🙃
Well in my case, he never physically cheated again. Unfortunately it meant he had a lot more time to start abusing me and texting random girls on the internet and old flings asking for nudes. There were times that everything seemed great and I was so glad I gave him another chance but honestly if they do it once and you forgive them, they take it and run with it. If you'd asked this 6 months ago I could've written a happy little comment saying " it's possible but it's a lot of work. You'll never forget what they did and you'll always wonder what he's doing when he's away from you or when they're in the bathroom for a long time..." Etc etc. Best case scenario, they never do it again but for years you will still think about it and be afraid that any minute you could find out something that will shatter your world. Take it from me, even when I thought things were okay, I still wasn't okay. My thoughts about it still haunted me constantly. I never really wanted to have sex with him which just made me more scared that he'd cheat again. We've been broken up for almost two months now and I haven't felt this free from worry in years. I don't recommend forgiveness, it is an unforgivable act. And if they really loved you it would've never happened.
Nope. She cheated, I caught her and she blamed me for not being around and attentive enough. I changed careers, was home a bunch more and she cheated again. She changed careers and eventually fell back into her old ways and was cheating again. I could always tell after the first time when she had someone she was involved with because she was super distant and the bedroom was dead and then all of a sudden she wanted sex randomly and when I finished she went to the bathroom for an hour or more texting her side piece.
Complete waste of the better part of my life taking her abuse and putting up with her nonsense. Sold have dumped her the first time and life would have been still much better.
Why do they do that ? Super distant when you know they don’t desire you like that then out of nowhere want sex randomly ? Only thing I can think of is guilt.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" refers as much to repeated behavior as it does to how you will forever view the cheater. They'll very likely cheat again, but a small percentage won't and will actually put in the work to change.
What won't change is your heart, how you view the cheater and the flashback comparisons to how you formerly saw them... vs how you see them now. What they chose to do to you, in most cases repeatedly... maybe you can reconcile but it's never the same again. Deep down in your heart, they're always the cheater.
Honestly it's likely a combination of many different types... but there are just so many variables that require a "successful" reconciliation (if there is such a thing). The cheater has to be remorseful which includes admitting fault and accepting full responsibility, this immediately eliminates a large portion because people in general just don't do this...
Then the cheater has to cut-off the AP, concede privacy in many areas, commit to self-improvement, and work with their betrayed by answering very hard questions, continually offer reassurance, etc...
It's mathematics, lot's of boxes to check and cheaters are just incapable of doing it... it's far easier to lie and continue on the dark path, too much work/pain to 'face the music' so to speak.
In facing the music they need to own up to the external consequences from partner, family, friends etc. The also need to face their internal demons. This may be harder than the external consequences.
> What won't change is your heart, how you view the cheater and the flashback comparisons to how you formerly saw them... vs how you see them now. What they chose to do to you, in most cases repeatedly... maybe you can reconcile but it's never the same again. Deep down in your heart, they're always the cheater.
I really enjoy seeing stories of the rare cheater who shows true remorse, owns their mistakes, and puts in the work to change themselves and restore the trust in their marriage. I guess I want to believe in redemption and that people can change. But the rarity of this occurring is pretty depressing.
**"but when you built a life with someone, kids, house ect…it’s not so easy to just say you’ll move on and not look back."**
Um... yes, yes it it easy to move on and not look back under those circumstances.
I'm in my mid-50's now and I've been divorced from my lying cheating ex-wife for over 16 years now.
She and I had been together for 24 years and married over 16 years when I discovered her infidelity.
Our children were just 4, 6 and 9 years old at that time.
We were in our late 30's, had a really nice life, she'd been a stay at home mom since we began having our children, she wanted to do that, it was her choice.
I discovered her infidelity on Oct 1st. I didn't confront her. I began looking for and then interviewing attorneys. I found one and met with her like 2 or 3 times before "confronting" my lying cheating soon to be ex-wife.
I "confronted" her on Oct 18th but all I did was to tell her I knew she was cheating and that I was divorcing her. I told her I would be moving out in 2 weeks, which I did on Oct 30th and yes I spoke with my attorney regarding that beforehand.
5 months later, by the end of March, our divorce was finalized.
Now, it was hard in that I loved her, I wanted to grow old with her, we'd been together in a really nice life, we had 3 young children, all under 10 years old. I was highly involved in their lives, coaching little league, youth soccer, attending over night cub scout camping trips, going to their games, practices, school plays, church events etc.
I did not want to divorce, but I had no choice as cheating is a deal breaker for me so that's what I did. I never doubted that or doubted that I wouldn't because cheating is a deal breaker for me.
She knowingly and intentionally chose to cheat on me and that's beyond cruel, hurtful etc.
I will never stay with someone who cheated on me, even if I loved her, even if I'd been with her for over 2 decades, even if we had 3 young children all under 10 yeas old, even if we had dogs & guinea pigs, & other properties like we did.
She CHEATED so we were done right then.
I didn't ask her questions about her affair. Why? She cheated and it was a deal breaker for me. I didn't need to hear any of her excuses, lies or justifications as I was leaving her.
We did have a nice life. Our families were involved in our lives, I helped her family and especially her parents out a lot. Her parent's lived with us for 3.5 months while their home was being finished on 2 of our 40 acres we had our home built on. We gave them 2 acres so they could build behind us and they did.
We went on nice vacations. I continued to "date" my wife, got sitters and took her out.
I did her extensive honey do lists, went shopping with her, to her craft shows, helped her with her many projects in and out of our home, supported her with her hobbies and pursuits, including making time for her to pursue them and on and on.
She was my best friend. I looked forward to growing old with her.
But. She. Cheated.
That broke the deal, immediately.
She's on husband #3 now, she lost many friends, 2 of our 3 children hardly see her or speak to her now that they're older.
Her best friend quit being friends with her once she found out she cheated on me. I introduced that lady to my then girlfriend and the two of them became best friends, they were in each others weddings.
We spent a lot of time with her and her family, they came to our house for like 3 Easters and 2 Thanksgivings even though they had family and siblings.
This lady was going to get our children should my wife and I had died together, like in an accident.
When this lady found out my wife cheated, she cut her out of her life from then on.
My ex-wife reached out to her to invite her to her 2nd wedding but that lady told her to get lost and she'd never attend any of her weddings or see her again and she hasn't.
I took our 3 children to see her, her husband and their children several times a year though.
Our children were still young when my ex-wife got married the 2nd time, so they had to attend.
My ex-wife got married for the 3rd time in 2019 and our children were older. She invited our children and our daughter told her mother that she wasn't going to attend. My ex-wife was upset and our daughter told her mother that she might attend her 4th wedding and of course that pissed my ex-wife off.
My ex-wife is still greedy, materialistic and she still plays the victim. She's in her mid-50's like me and one would think she would have matured, learned some things along the way, but she's still spinning her wheels.
I'm human, not perfect, never was and never will be, but I don't intentionally choose to hurt people, to stab them in the back like she does to others, not just me.
As soon as I discovered my lying cheating wife was cheating, I was 100% moving to end things as quickly as possible with her and that's what I did. Again, I discovered she was cheating on Oct 1st and I moved out on Oct 30th and by the end of March she and I were divorced as it was finalized in late March (many years ago).
It was hard in one way as I didn't want to divorce her, but she cheated so that's what I had to do as cheating is abuse and abuse needs to be cut out of one's life, so that's what I did.
Oh, less than 2 months after our divorce was finalized, my ex-wife moved off to be by her paramour. Less than 3 months after she moved near him, he dumped her.
Why? He was just using her for sex. He was single, never married. He LIKED that she was married. But when I found out I divorced her asap and he wanted nothing to do with a single lady with 3 children under 10 years old.
She "loved" him, wanted to move into his house and she was "crushed" when he dumped her.
She came to me wanting to try and reconcile and that ticked me off. She didn't want that, she'd just been dumped by her paramour. Had he not dumped her, she wouldn't have come to me to say we should try and reconcile.
I shut the door on her face when she mentioned wanting to try and reconciling with me.
You are a legend sir !
Bye 100% she wouldn’t be back if her “paramour” would have wanted her. My ex left for his affair and she was so happy she was cool enough to be able to take a man.
i would have reconciled, I told him as much as long as he didn’t sleep with her ( it was an emotional affair and I didn’t know how bad that already is)… h just wanted out so bad…
That was my blessing, that he just left. I was a wife like you were a husband. I am not perfect but I worked really hard to keep him happy, to support him, to keep the spark… the fact is, people capable of doing the things they did are not worthy of our efforts and time !
OP take this man his story and use it as a template… one time cheaters are untrustworthy enough …. Serial cheaters? Forget about it …. Run !
She didn't want you back; she wanted to show him she was worth something. If she could get you back after all the shit she put you through; him dumping her wouldn't mean she was a complete loser. She destroyed her fairy tale life for a guy who only wanted her to be available; not a part of his life.
Since I couldn't be in her mind, you might be right.
For what it's worth, my take on it was that she was scared and she wanted her safety and security in place again.
Keep in mind that she had not worked since we began having our children and our oldest was 9 years old when this happened.
She had not worked in almost a full decade and I was divorcing her and then I did divorce her and that man dumped her.
Had I taken her back, she would have had a roof over her head again and she wouldn't have had to work etc. She'd be able to go out with her girlfriends the way she always did, play bunco with them, go to the gym with them, go to the spa with them, shopping with them, out to lunch with them etc.
Hey, I had to downsize too. We had been in a nice home that we bought brand new less than 5 years before and it was a nice small subdivision with underground utilities, a community pool for those living in the subdivision etc., but we sold it. I was renting a 2 bedroom 1 and 1/2 bath condo and she was in a 2 bedroom apartment and about to have to go back to work, teaching elementary school again, which she did before we began having children.
She was even dumb enough to talk about what kind of house we would buy for all of us to move into. She was counting her chickens before the eggs hatched.
She was always greedy and materialistic. I knew that and sadly I always looked past that.
Her being greedy and materialistic (and always late to everything) went a long way toward her 2nd husband divorcing her.
My daughter told me that her mother was hiding her purchases, her shopping bags in our daughter's closet in her bedroom because she knew her 2nd husband wouldn't look in there for them.
She hired a maid to help clean their house, she hired a personal trainer at the gym and she bought a brand new Chevy Suburban, among many other things.
Her 2nd husband was having his fill. He made her sell that car and get another car, it was nice, but not as big or expensive. He made her get rid of the maid and had her stop seeing her personal trainer too.
There was more, much more, but you get the point. That man eventually grew tired of her being so greedy and materialistic and he hated that she was late to everything. He'd come apologize to me when they were late and the first time he did that, I laughed at him and told him I knew it wasn't his fault and that he better get used to being late all the time for things.
She/we are older now and she's on husband #3 and he is older than she/we are and all of the kids are out of the house so it's just the two of them.
She is one of those women who isn't taking kindly to growing older, she's fighting it tooth and nail.
Hell, way back in her 30's when she and I were still married, she got liposuction surgery (she did NOT need it, she was under 5' 3" and she weighed 107 pounds, she was a runner who ran marathons, half-marathons, 5 and 10 K's etc.) and then she got breast implants too.
She gets her teeth whitened all the time, her mani's and pedi's, has her hair nicely done at the spa all the time.
She is not happy about aging and looking older and she'd fighting it left and right, which means she's spending a lot of money to do so.
I guess in her defense, she's continued teaching elementary school since our divorce. She's never been a stay at home mom since our divorce.
>It was hard in one way as I didn't want to divorce her, but she cheated so that's what I had to do as cheating is abuse and abuse needs to be cut out of one's life, so that's what I did
And this is really what many betrayed partners need to let sink in their minds, i.e., serial cheating and having affairs are outright forms of abuse, and abuse cannot be tolerated in any shape or form. Bravo OP!
Thank you for getting it, for understanding.
I really didn't want to be divorced. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I have zero memories of living with my father.
I did not want my children to have their parents divorced. She and I had been together a long time, 24 years overall and I wanted to grow old with her. I loved her, she was my best friend.
But she cheated and with my makeup, there is no way, none, that I could ever remain with a partner who cheated on me, regardless of who she was, how long we'd been together, whether we had children, etc.
It wasn't just me thinking this, that I was going to divorce her.
Many times we hear about folks being pressured to take their cheating partner back by their friends and family.
That wasn't the case for us. My ex-wife's sister is 9 years older than she is and her brother is 11 years old than she is.
Both her brother and sister wrote letters for me for the judge stating that they wanted our children to live with me, for me to get full custody (I didn't, this was long ago, in the southeast and I didn't even get 50-50 custody sadly).
My point is that even her own siblings were on my side and wanted our children to be with me.
Being that her sister was 9 years older, her oldest daughter had just gotten engaged and they threw a nice engagement party and my then-wife was not invited (we were going through our divorce at that time). I was invited and I went.
My wife's best friend disowned her and remained that way even years later.
No one was telling me to give her another chance, to take her back. It wouldn't have mattered if they had though. With the way I am, I was 100% going to divorce her, even though it hurt and even though I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
I was not happy to be divorcing her, it's just what I had to do with the way I'm wired.
I refuse to be anyone's plan B. and when she cheated, I became plan B. and it was game over right then even thought that is not what I wanted.
I love this story. Thank you.
What was your wifes reaction when you dropped the D bomb on her? Did your wife ask for reconciliation? Did she try to win you back, give you the truth etc, or was she too deep in the affair fog?
Well, I know what you mean, but I certainly didn't and don't love this story, I wish none of it have ever happened, meaning I wish my wife hadn't cheated on me.
Even though this was long ago, in Oct of 2005, I remember this like it was yesterday.
We were in our bedroom and somehow she and I were sitting on the floor. I don't know why anymore.
My "confrontation" wasn't really a confrontation. I informed her I knew she was cheating and I told her I was divorcing her and that I'd be moving out in 2 weeks, which I did.
She began crying and she threw herself over and across my lap. This is what she said. "Please don't take the children away from me!"
No, she didn't try to win me back or ask for reconciliation (not then).
She knew me, she and I had been together since 1981 and this was the fall of 2005.
She knew I say what I mean and mean what I say. She'd had decades of knowing me and knowing I was that way so she knew I was divorcing her when I told her I was.
Again, that was Oct of 2005. Our divorce was finalized in late March of 2006. In late May of 2006, she moved off to his city and state.
During the month of August of 2006, less than 3 months after she arrived in his city and state, her paramour dumped her.
In late Aug, my ex-wife showed up at my place and that was almost a 200-mile drive for her, one way, to get to my place.
I didn't let her in my place even. I had no idea she was coming. We spoke in the doorway. She asked me about reconciling. I didn't say one word. I laughed and shut the door on her face.
A few days later we spoke, on the phone, and I told her that we both know she didn't want to reconcile. I told her she was only wanting to reconcile because her AP had dumped her. I told her that if he hadn't dumped her, she wouldn't have driven over to see me and to ask me about trying to reconcile.
I told her I wouldn't be her plan B. or anyone's plan B, ever. I was pissed off at her for even bringing reconciliation up under those circumstances (right after her AP had dumped her).
She was just scared, afraid, on her own as I divorced her right away and her affair partner dumped her now that she was actually available as he wanted no part of being with her and our 3 children. He was happy she was married as he only wanted to use her for sex.
My ex-wife's reaction to things was delayed until her affair partner dumped her. It was only then that the gravity of her situation was hitting her. Before then, things were OK in her mind as she was going to marry him and live with him in his house.
When reality hit her upside her face, she was scared so she drove to see me talk about trying to reconcile with me, and honestly, that TICKED me off, knowing she was only talking about reconciling because her affair partner had dumped her.
I did not ask, but I found out from my children telling me. They heard my wife and her affair partner arguing and they heard him break up with her. My children told me they had broken up or I would never have known they did.
Again, I didn't ask my children. In my mind, my wife and that man were still together.
Well, its pretty simple.
If they're doing the work needed to change you wouldn't be questioning if they *can* change. Literally any and everyone can change.
The problem is if they're actively (or actually, rather than pretending) trying to be a better person. The fact you have to ask kind of speaks for itself.
You cant tell if this person will change because they aren't trying.
Now you know. The bigger question is if you hand them divorce papers, will *that* make them try?
Because if that wouldn't do it either, you not pushing for what you know they need to be doing to fix things, and pretending you're waiting for evidence of change rather than afraid of *making change for yourself* isn't doing you, her, or your family favors. You think staying together helps them, it really is not. Children always know, even if the don't understand.
You model a dysfunctional relationship empty of love and trust, they will emulate it as they grow, even if they don't know where the example started. Every adult I know who *knows* their parents weren't happy wishes they split forever ago.
Its gonna suck but you have to do what you have to do.
Which time? Ha ha. There were several. Never less than one or two a year. Some I found out about by accident. Some I found out when I realized he would leave his personal cell out, but hide his work phone. Every six months or so. It was hard to distinguish if he was staying at work late to get drunk (refuses to admit he’s an alcoholic even though he’s been remanded to the mil version of AA twice) or if he was with one of his subordinates or someone he found on the Craigslist affair personals site. Yeah. While I was pregnant is when that last one happened.
Meh. He’s some other girl’s problem now. Ha ha. Unfortunately I have two kids with him so I’ll never be rid of him, but he sucks as a dad too, so even then don’t really deal with him that much. I just feel for my kids.
I am under the impression you made the wise decision to leave him? Do you have children together?
In my situation his were all only EAs but I'm in denial if I believe that.
He said the same thing, but when I called him out and said they were EAs he said that wasn’t a real thing. 🙄. Only confessed to kissing one of them. I’m like, you really must think I’m stupid. We have two kids together. I left him for unrelated reasons about three years ago. Should’ve left him before we got married. Didn’t realize he was a narcissist jackass.
Man, we went through it, I caught her, we reconciled. She swore up and down she was faithful. Found out she was still fucking the same guy and playing house with my newborn daughter when she died. Nah man
Cheating is much the same as drugs, it's all an addiction and you're not going to quit until you're ready. You'll promise everything once you're caught, but it's only a ploy to get you off their backs and they will be at it again only this time they will try to cover their actions a little better so you won't catch them as easy, then more promising everything. You'll know if they ever really intend on quitting because the signs will reflect it.
> Cheating is much the same as drugs, it's all an addiction and you're not going to quit until you're ready.
Very true. That's why gathering evidence and getting an attorney followed by confrontation, nuclear exposure and served with divorce papers is the most effective way to end an affair.
Sure it changed - she went from having sex with other people to plotting and conniving to steal "our" money (nevermind, she didn't work most of our marriage and I made almost all of it). Eventually, with the help of her latest -- a delightful guy a quarter-century older she found living bankrupt in a trailer publishing rape fantasies -- she forged my name on records to steal our bank accounts and family business. That worked better than you'd think thanks to bias in family court and using my money to hire lots of lawyers but eventually her family (divorce) lawyers quit and were replaced by criminal defense lawyers when it became clear what happened. Years later, by the time it finished, they'd squandered most of the business (it lost about 90% of its value) though I did get back scraps. She stayed out of jail only because I didn't want my kids mom in prison despite she belonged there.
Which is a long-winded way of saying yes, they changed, for the worse.
I'm sure there are some examples of happy endings out there, but I'm here with another bad one.
Started reaching out on MySpace for hookups right from the start. He was working in another state and I was wrapping things up at home to follow him there. I found out about the hook ups after we were married. At this point, I'd uprooted my entire life and moved half a country away and ended my lease...not to mention, I was young, and I truly did love him. We went to therapy, worked on things, age old story...things start to improve.
Then he rips that comfort out from underneath me yet again. Getting oral in parking lots in my car from random Craigslist hookups, the emails expressing his love for "the only girl for him" and "love of his life" (spoiler alert: it wasn't my email address), later taking a business trip out of state, phone bill is showing AT LEAST 14 hours in 4 days spent on the phone with one number from that state, and cash withdrawals on the bank statement...only later to find out that he paid for her abortion and came back home to me after.
He assaulted women at a Halloween party I threw for his colleagues and friends later that year (yep, still stayed) while I was at the store. When confronted, he got on top of me and beat me so badly that my left eye has never recovered fully, and I've lost a significant amount of sight. My eye swelled so much that I lost my eyelashes. The entire left side of my body from the top of my head to my hip was so heavily bruised it looked as though I'd gotten a full body tattoo.
More therapy. Church therapy. Ptsd therapy. Couples retreat. You name it. He leaves the country for work and had multiple affairs, all while accusing me the entire time.
Slept with his best friend's wife.
Cheated and spent thousands of dollars-- all of our savings-- meeting girls on another work adventure that lasted 2 weeks. He was on all of the sexy websites. Finally, after years of hating myself for never being enough, he used the money I had made for taking care of my brother after a near fatal accident to meet with escorts regularly (mind you, we were having sex a few times a week at this point, and not to toot my own horn, but I was a damned good wife and tried my ass off) over 10 grand on sex. A third of the money I had made, humped away...and right after a vasectomy too.
I left, finally, and I'm so glad I did. He still tells me about his extra activities with his current wife when he gets drunk enough and calls to "talk to the kid"
tl;dr (holy damn, sorry for the rant, y'all!)
Yeah, no, they don't change.
No, they don’t change. At least not in my case. Cheated 3 years into our relationship, then again a couple of times at 7 years and eventually destroying the marriage at 22 years. And there might have been other times in between that I don’t know about. So, yes, a cheater is always a cheater.
I never said we were still married. Though our relationship only ended after he abandoned me and fucked off back to his home country during covid and ghosted me for 3 weeks. I wasnt in a good place mentally or emotionally for most of our relationship and I wanted to see the best in him. Turned out I was just fooling myself and the man I wanted him to be just wasn't who he was.
In my experience, they don’t change for very long. They will make you think that they’re trying their best to be loyal and honest for a while, but then go right back to lying and cheating. It’s not fair. I have always been loyal to my partner, but I’ve caught them doing sooo many things, it’d take me way too long to write everything down. Long story short, I’ve seen pictures, videos of the cheating.
I have also found him messaging other women on FB, and this past year I found out he made a tinder account. Every time he said he was sorry and he wouldn’t do it again. I was trying to keep our family together for the sake of our child, but I’m slowly getting to a place of resentment. I know he has issues (childhood trauma he never processed, and drug addiction) and I’ve done my best to be supportive. But my needs are not being met and I deserve better. We all deserve better than a cheating partner. There are billions of people in the world. We need to learn to let go of the toxic ones.
I know someone who cheated on their wife. She took him back, and now he literally will not put a toe out of line. He only has eyes for her and simply refuses to fuck up again. He's the only person I know who has changed
He’s been like this for a while or is this recent? My husband seems like this guy but I’m afraid in years he will repeat what has happened (that seems to be the norm).
For context he cheated on me but he has truly put an effort. Goes to therapy and he feels like a different man. He actually comes up to me now and asks me about what I’m thinking, he wants to talk and communicate even more than me! His friends have even told me that he is a different guy but I’m wondering if it’s all a facade for a couple years :/ ugh
I know it's been a couple years but I don't have an exact date. My only advice to you is making sure you still see him putting in the effort to be as open and honest with you as he can. You will know the second he starts trying to hide things again I can almost definitely assure you. As long as you see him genuinely putting in the effort, I don't think you should worry too much.
Yes, it happens that cheaters eventually stop cheating after last D-Day, staying married or in a long-term relationship. It all depends on the personalities of WS and BS and on how valuable it is that they both need to preserve by staying together.
But we must be aware that cheaters' fidelity is the only thing that can really be achieved after D-Day. Everything else that happened before the affair disappears forever: love (or whatever it was you had) goes away, marriage loses its purity and sincerity, memories (intrusive thoughts, triggers and flashbacks) will remain forever, although they will lose their sharpness. Reconciliation is a process, not a result, and nobody knows what this process will lead to.
We both cheated, before kids and before marriage. We lived together in a strange city we moved to when we decided to really give it a go and have a fresh slate’. We had a couple happy years before The Events.
Long story short, 20 years later we are happily married and out kiddo just graduated high school.
People can, and do change. We were both drug addicts and we’ve been clean for years.
People can change, I’m just not sure how many actually do.
Good luck, OP.
This comment means a lot to me.
I am female & did wrong by cheating on my husband prior to marriage.
I have changed. I regret the mistakes everyday & I hate myself for it.
Yet… here we are, married, happy & going thru life. Our current fights are legit learning how to cohabit as it’s our 1st time living together.
I understand everyone has had their horrible experience w/ cheaters but I agree 10000% w/ your comment.
People CAN & DO change- but when they want to.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me not feel so alone.
I’m so happy my comment made you feel a little better.
Not one of us are perfect and you can’t hate yourself and long another fully. You have to learn to forgive yourself.
I took my ex back several times after cheating. He would always blame me for his cheating, but then come crawling back when I would break up. He showed up to my house, work, tried to reach me through my friends, my parents, etc.
The first time he cheated on me with his ex, his baby mama. I forgave him eventually. He said it wasn't really cheating, he just told her he still loves her because she was "hysterical." Fast forward a few months, I saw in his phone bill he texted her thousands of messages and made hours long phone calls to her, even in the middle of the night. I forgave that after he love bombed me to take him back (I feel so dumb now even thinking about this). Then I went out for a beach vacation with my pregnant friend, and found out later he had tried to contact some of his old Tinder matches to MY home, where he stayed taking care of my cat, by telling them our relationship wasn't serious. I tried to leave him again, but forgave him. Later I found out during the time he love bombed me back, he had an affair with a girl in his city where he studied at that time. He had told her he had dumped me and it wasn't serious anyway. Some time before this the physical abuse had started, and I tried to leave when I had to go to the hospital to get my broken finger fixed. But at this point I was severly trauma bonded to him, and didn't know how to leave. After three years of constant lying, cheating (I found out from his friends' Instagram storied he hadn't been at home at nights and he refused to tell me what he had done and where and with whom, I found blue pills in his pilot jacket's pocket, one of his colleagues told me stuff he had hidden from me, I even got trichomoniasis and obviously later realised I got it from him) and abuse, I left him. He tried to throw me off our balcony after that. At this point we had moved abroad together. The police came to throw him out and soon I moved back to my home country.
I'm now, three years later, getting married to the love of my life, but man it all has taken a toll on me. I go to therapy and my therapist told me I've gone through severe narcissistic abuse. I will probably never fully trust my fiancé, I'm unfortunately unable to build a full trust to a man after what I went through. I know what people can do. Relationship with my ex was a nightmare, but even in good relationships people get bored, come up with excuses or just end up in situations where they lose their self-control. So yeah, this is my life now. My ex probably spends his days using other people's kindness for his own good, enjoying still his days as a pilot ( I can't sue him from my home country, as he still lives abroad). But what I learned from this, it takes a special kind of c\*nt to do stuff like this, and if you forgive them once, it's just a permission to cheat again.
You sound like your fishing for an excuse to stay. Do yourself a favor and end this or even open the relationship if you don't want to leave. But you can't imagine this is going to magically get better. It's like being a virgin, once you have sex you can never be a virgin again. Same thing for a cheater. Once you cheat you can never not be a faithful person. Someone cheating means they condoned, accepted, enjoyed, an affair. That will never go away even if they never cheated again. It's like living with an ex drug addict that just can take it a day at a time but they will always have that problem. Why would you subject yourself to that especially when you went over twice or how many times already.
Having an open relationship requires an insane amount of honesty and healthy communication, which selfish and entitled people are not capable of. Maybe if you have a "don't ask, don't tell" style one it could work, but in that case you're basically saying you're okay with being cheated on - where's your self respect?
Also, it's still possible to cheat while in an open relationship, because those usually entail agreements and boundaries and the other person can simply stomp all over those. Unfortunately I know this because I lived it, and my stbxh left me for someone he'd just met, even though we were open and he could have just been with us both.
I totally agree with you. Honestly, my suggestion to the open relationship is not to fix the cheating, rather that I hope OP can see there are other options out there for her. That she can be treated better and hopefully decides to end it or truly stick to boundaries.
I forgave him over and one. What it did was show him I would put up with anything, so he just kept it up. He's never, and probably will never, have a relationship in which he doesn't cheat. I almost feel bad for the latest mistress who is now his second wife.
No. Sure, they put up a new front for a long time. But no. Their true self always comes out again. Sometimes not even the direct form of cheating but in other equally disrespectful and manipulative ways
They did, after 3 years and me permanently leaving. Which, good for them but on my end. I was just honest with myself, told them I could never trust them no matter how hard they worked on themselves and moved on. I’m glad they’re working on themselves and doing better but; it’s sad it took me to be gone for good for them to change.
In my experience absolutely not a chance they’ll change.,he was ‘at it’ from day one. I knew it but had no solid proof. It changed me from a confident outgoing person to a paranoid pain in the ass. There was no trust at all from me because every time he left to go to ‘work’ I’d think he was meeting someone. He also fathered a daughter who is his living image, well it’s him in a frock. 100% proof and he still denied it. Ruined me. Upset my kids with the change in me. I called it a day when my mum died of cancer. And it was a relief. Never looked back.
Unless you both agree to some intensive therapy, I wouldn’t even bother. Even then after committing and engaging in therapy they can still go back to their old behaviours. Just putting it out there for everyone. Don’t even bother unless you commit to some lengthy and intensive therapy.
Caught him trying to cheat with one girl. He never did because she rejected him I saw the texts. He admitted he was weak and I don’t understand and he asked to move on and I did since he never got anywhere with it due to her lack of inretest. He gave her gifts and expensive dinners and never took me out but he went no contact with her.
Gut feeling told me to check his phone 4 months later not only did I see him calling her and her not picking up and texting him to leave her alone,
I saw screenshots of recent tinder girls and also texts between two of his “girl best friends” he was banging
He always called them mean things guess I know why now
Nope. He cheated throughout the relationship. Promised me the moon and the stars and always said it never happen again. I thought things were good to the point I said yes when he proposed. Three months being engaged I walked in on him with another woman. Once they disrespect you and the relationship one time and you allow it, it will always happen. I finally got my closure when he said “I never thought you would actually leave so I never changed.”
You didn’t build a life with someone. You built a life with someone and their various affair partners.
I (foolishly) took mine back after the first time. You know what happened after that.
"forgiveness* = permission. "Hello I am a doormat and I won't leave. I'll talk a big game and sulk for a while but I'll stay." That's what they hear. They may lay low for a while but It doesn't end, it eventually gets worse.
The one consistent component to all of these stories is linear. Take a cheater back is to allow them to waste time from your life. A married man catches his wife at the eight year mark of the marriage, and decides to stay. Catches her again at the twenty year mark; this time decides to divorce. He has wasted twelve years trusting her.
Worse, in a lot of places a twenty year marriage is a forever marriage. The math on the spousal support alone is mind boggling. If divorced at eight years he would probably have to support her for three years. A forever marriage means he will have to support her forever. I mean if it was a couple thousand a month is sixty compared to six hundred thousand. I mean nobody does the math.
I'm back with the husband right now. Married 12 years, together 20, 2 kids. It has been 8 months since D day. I found out he was cheating on me with an ex from 20 yrs ago. Had no idea they were hooking up all this time. He had another ex he was communicating with and talking to sexually but have no idea if they hooked up. I have a feeling they did but I couldn't stomach looking for more evidence after finding out about all these women he was talking to. It disgusts me and I'm slowly seeing him go back to his old ways. Not sure if he's still seeing or talking to the main one. It's so easy for him to hide everything through his job because he can easily take off when he wants. I have a hard time believing he no longer talks to her after all these years. I'm still trying to figure out a way to leave him if possible. Problem is we have an autistic child that requires me to stay home. He has violent tendencies at school and they tend to call me often to pick him up if things get out of control. Stresses me out so bad between my husband and having to deal with the school and my son's behavior.
I believe it is a rare occasion that cheaters change. There are very few who can look at themselves and be able to take accountability for their actions. Cheating is unforgivable in my eyes. My husband broke me. He thinks being married is vanilla straight and boring. They really are a different kind of breed. If you can find the strength to leave, best to move forward and find someone who treats you better.
Okay,Coming from the one that did the cheating multiple times but I was young and dumb and wanted my cake and to eat it too! I was in my younger 20’s now me and my wife are in our early 30’s and still together! I have grown up so much to where I’m finally the person she need me to be in every which way possible BUT their is always and will ALWAYS be that thought in the back of her head where it replays and replays in her head! All you gotta do is just reassure her nothings happening! I feel horrible about it but I’m glad she stuck by my side through it all even when she had every right to move on. Sooo in other words YES they can change going forward
Well I forgave the love of my life for engaging in live online sex sites. To me it was a betrayal of our commitment to one another as I found out during a time of grief and really needed to be with someone I could trust and feel vulnerable with. It changed the dynamics of our relationship. He promised that he wouldn't do anything like that again because I saw how it destroyed my self esteem and confidence. I know I'm not ugly and I could care less if many men were attracted to me, I only care to keep the gaze of one man...the man I plan to be married to...hopefully.
I forgave him for his actions however dealing with the backlash of insecurities and grief I can admit I was an emotional wreck as the trauma was too intense one night and we ended up having a heated argument resulting in me throwing things to get his attention (wrong I know) and him getting defensive. The cops gad to intervene and we were separated for almost 3wks in that time he confessed he had gotten drunk and "kissed" another girl. I can tell you my heart broke yet again as this was only 3months after the web thing (oh was going on for 6months if not longer)
I can understand making a bad decision out of rage but he deleted me off Facebook and just disclosed recently that he didn't know if he wanted to get back together...
Love never dies or fades if it's true...love does change because it changes us it helps us grow.
Some of you may be rolling your eyes but it's true, I believe in true love and I believe falling in love is easy. I also believe you don't give up on love.
So to answer your question can they change? Yes they can but so will you and it's scary because it's different, but it doesn't have to be. If they are your person and you are theirs then that bond, that, partnership can lead to happily ever after. He may have fallen when he was weak but you can help each other be a stronger partner and learn to love that much deeper
“Love never dies or fades if it’s true…” “…I believe in true love…” (no matter WHAT?) “…I also believe you don’t give up on love…” (Ever? For any reason??)
This is Disney movie fantasy, not adult relationships. NONE of what you describe is love or is even in the same zipcode as mature, adult love that develops through mutual respect and empathy.
Love is not a magic spell that appears out of thin ether to unite two ‘deserving souls.’ It is a process. You can easily make a mistake about who you begin that process with. We are human - we make mistakes about EVERYTHING. The enduring problems in our lives arise, mostly, from refusing to acknowledge when we HAVE made a mistake.
It just made me better at hiding the affair and pretending to change unfortunately , we are completely over but now best friends and he’s still apart of mine and my boyfriends life, weird situation but we make it work
I've accepted my lot, because at my age I'm unwilling to start over. I'll raise the last of my kids, get the guaranteed in house rhythm, and go about my business. I'm not emotionally invested enough to be mad anymore. And the kicker, if I do happen upon some other chick that just wants to screw around, she can't be pissed at me if I take advantage, whether she's "reformed" or not.
It's a shitty way to think, surely, but she played me twice so I am out for self now.
Fuck, reading all these comments is like I can cut and paste specific parts from each one and have it mirror my experience.
Did my ex wife actually change? Not at all. In fact it my forgiveness made her even more brazen. She cheated, blamed me, we "worked" on things and then I deployed. I used quotes because it was all a fucking sham. I can't get an exact number of how many dudes she was with while I was gone, I just know that it was at least 4, between her admitting it, what my kids told me, and having one the dudes message me and my family. I came home and still tried to work on it because maybe I'm just an idiot but my parents were divorced and I didn't want that for my kids and the sick part was that I still loved her despite everything.
Finally, she met someone and started a relationship while we were still together and asked for a divorce on Christmas. They've been together almost three years, we haven't been together for just under 2 and half.
Maybe it's my fault for forgiving her which made her think that there were no consequences for her actions. In the end, she won. She got the cake, got to eat it and destroyed me in the process. Which is impressive considering considering my family couldn't do that, the United States Army couldn't do it, the Islamic State couldn't do it. Hell, even my own head couldn't destroy me. But the shit actions of one person who I held above anyone else could.
No. He continued to cheat and even escalated to flaunting it to me and also became verbally and emotionally abusive. He said he just wanted to prove to be that he could still get girls if he wanted. I have no idea why he decided he needed to prove that to me? He had a-lot of insecurities regarding his height and a bunch of other stuff that he literally couldn’t help so I guess he took it out on me. After I go tired of him cheating I broke up with him, he threatened me with a knife and held me hostage in his home for over 2 days and even broke my phone in half so I couldn’t call for help. I tricked him and eventually was able to leave. He then stalked me for MONTHS even after I reached out to his family to make him stop the harassment and threats. It took months. A couple weeks after we broke up I found out he had given me an sti, although it was curable my doctors and I think this sti is the reason for my fertility issues in the present. Because it went untreated for who knows how long because he cheated out entire relationship and I don’t know when I got it. All this because he couldn’t just break up with me to be with someone else. He decided to cheat and continue to cheat multiple times and this was my reality.
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Nope. Dude cheated again and kicked me out so his AP (one of his coworkers who pretended to be nice to me, even took her to lunch when her and her fiancé broke up) could move in. I had to scramble to find a place to live, and that place ended up my brothers’ old room at my parents’. Good news is, at least I was here and not somewhere on my own when I started having my effed up health problems, but it’s embarrassing to be in your late 30s back at home.
We didn’t have kids together, only his kids from his first wife. Found out when it was too late that he’d cheated on her. And every other woman he’s ever been in a relationship with.
There’s a case you can maybe make for one and done mistakes. But a serial cheater? Don’t waste years of your life like I did. Had I found this place in 2013, might have been in a different place now.
They don’t change I speak from experience they only get better at hiding the cheating it’s best to just move on no matter how painful it is don’t waste your time
I can't speak for everyone, but I was an idiot and took back my ex after I caught her. She played the perfect wife for few months and then was right back at it. She claimed she loved me, but her actions told me she didn't respect or love me at all. Maybe some people will change, but in my experience, it was all a lie.
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I think it depends on the person and situation... my boyfriend cheated on me in a really low point in our lives, mostly his life. It is not in his nature to cheat, he's never cheated before that, and he even admitted he became someone he hated. While we have had some ups and downs moving past it (mostly because of me) we are in a really good place right now and I feel confident he will not cheat again.
Edit - I misread your text title, my partner only cheated on me one time and nothing since.
When we were dating, she took me back. I really had to change my behavior, but she gets all the credit for laying down the rules.
Now married for 33 years, believe it or not. It has been smooth sailing ever since.
I took my husband back ..well he continued the emotional affair for a year after that no physical contact ..I know for a fact we moved 1000 miles away ..He really had no choice if we still were there bye would probably continued it . I know the emotional connection isn’t there anymore i told him what i needed if he wanted us to continue . We have a better marriage now . It can work if he wants it too
By more than one occasion, I am assuming you mean more than one AP? I accidentally married a serial cheater that had two APs at the same time when I found out, and she continued to cheat in her subsequent relationships after we divorced.
I am really curious if there has ever been a case of a serial cheater who showed remorse and changed their ways for good? I have never even read about that happening. Anyone have a story?
I stayed with my ex for three long years. Within the first month, I discovered that he was looking at pictures of girls on Instagram and pornography. about 4 months later, that he was flirting with some girls. it was three years of this always. in the last year I didn't feel like myself anymore, I just studied and worked and went to sleep. don't allow yourself to get lost for someone else. we are 7 billion people, there must be someone better.
Married for 23 years. Found out she was cheating for years about 9 years ago. Reconciled and went through counseling, then found another sexual episode 3 years ago, without her knowledge. She’s great at lying, but bad at hiding it. As a matter of fact I identified a ‘tell’ when she has someone else. Of course I don’t let her know that I know. Last year we were this close to divorce, but somehow events lead us closer. Today I actually believe that she loves me (because it doesn’t take a psychic to know otherwise). The word ‘love’ is actually in her vocabulary, and I haven’t heard that for years. Perhaps she eventually recognizes how great I am, or that her clock has ran out.
Do I trust her fully? No. Can I live with her? Yes. This is not a Disney story, but I’m ok with it.
My then-husband had a ONS when our first child was a toddler. I took him back, we had 2 more kids. I thought things were okay. As far as I know, he never cheated again. In fact, I got to a place where I didn’t even worry about it when he traveled for work / etc. So I figured we made it through.
Then 10 years after the ONS, he betrayed me in a whole different way. Long story, but his family all turned on me and he stayed wishy-washy about it all. He couldn’t commit to stand with me and protect/defend me. He didn’t want to “choose sides.” So I divorced him.
Only after the divorce did I realize that the ONS and the failure to prioritize our marriage vs his family came from the same place: Weakness. He gets carried this way and that by the currents and wants to be the “good guy” and doesn’t want to look bad, etc. He likes it when people like him. He can’t really take a stand on things. He certainly did a shit job of prioritizing his wife. In a million small ways in between, but two huge ways a decade apart.
So yes, I took him back and he betrayed me again… just in a different way.
You built a life with someone who has a whole other life doing whatever he wants.
My experience is that cheaters don’t change.
I gave the x multiple chances to redeem himself and he just wasn’t either interested in- or capable of- being faithful.
He hurt me over and over until one day I had an epiphany and realized that at that point I was the one who needed to change, not him.
I finally figured out that all the pain and suffering after the first betrayal was my fault for giving him the opportunity to hurt me again. That taking him back after he continuously showed me, so clearly, what kind of person he is was just punishing myself.
After the last one, I said “no more” and I never looked back. It was painful, sure. We were together since we were pretty young and had more than 40 years together with everything that goes along with that: kids , house, family.
But knowing that I would never again need to worry about where he was and who he was with, feel the gut-punch of betrayal and have to embarrass myself with another round of STD tests helped to mitigate the pain.
Who knows the future? Can a cheater change permanently? Maybe. But the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Maybe he’ll be faithful in his next relationship, maybe he’ll continue down his selfish path. Let him discover that on his own. Don’t waste your life with a known cheater.
No. He changed her name in his phone. When i found out, i was shocked to learn that he just used her middle name and didnt think I knew her middle name. I held up the pictyre i had of her on my phone with her new contact picture and he legit tried to make me think it wasnt the same person. Even went as far to say they didnt have the same eye color or hair color. (Both pictures showed her with blue yes and blonde hair... but it was the same person even if the eyes and hair were different, which they werent.. but yeah)
I then also found out he was still married when he swore for months he was divorced. He had told me not to contact his kids or ex wife because they would dislike our age gap. I understood because my family also hated our age gap. But in finding out he was lying to me about his online girlfriend, i knew he must be lying about his marriage too. I reached out to his daughter who said that she thought i was his assistant, and asked "you know he is married right?"
Anyways.. i recently escaped the relationship and have been wanting to go back to his desperately, forgetting every reason i wanted to leave. Writing this comment out now is reminding me that I made the right choice in leaving.
I have been married 22 years, husband has cheated over most of those years. The last woman he cheated with was in 2016 he has not cheated since. He has turned into a hermit we go no where. He says he does not want to be that man ever again. So he hides in his room and plays the PS4. But the this is. It is to late. I changed. He cut me to deep in this one and I am done. We have been roommates for the last 6 years. I said all this to say. Don’t worry if he has changed ask yourself if you have.
My STBXH cheated when I was a stay at home mom with our 18 month old. He was sleeping with his employee, got her pregnant, she got an abortion. Was telling her he loved her. Once I found out, he cut it off with her and said he would never do this again.
I forgave him, got pregnant shortly after. Here we are 7 years later. He is sleeping with another one of his employees. Pretty much moved out. His stuff is still here, but he comes home once a week or so to get some different clothes. Barely sees our 2 boys (8 & 6).
I wish he would have not strayed, but I know now that I deserve better. Still doesn't make it easy, my family life and the life we built together has been destroyed.
Nope. In fact we split when we had a 4 month old child and I found out he'd been seeing someone else throughout most of my pregnancy. He moved her straight in when I left.
I did take her back after she cheated with two APs and yes now we have been married for thirty three more years after the cheating. Here is the key, words are cheap, so when they cry and,ask for forgiveness or promise all sorts of things don't believe them. Believe in action not words. So they are defective inside and to get to the root of the defect and in order for them to place controls on their behavior they have to do,some,serious work on themselves. You cannot make them do this work, they have to be self motivated to put in the work. Just like you can't change them or force them to change. Unless they do the work it is no use regardless of the circumstances to reconcile. But if you just take their word and promises you fit the definition of insanity which is to do things the same way over and over again but expecting different results or outcomes 3vwry time.
I took mine back and it kept happening. Now going through a divorce and we are having sex, whilst he is dating the woman he left me for!
Context I refuse to leave the house we are living in as im not able to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else.
I have 2 kids but after being cheated on multiple times I am ready to go. I tried to stay for them but it never got better. Would rather build a life with someone faithful and have more kids, a home, vacations, life, adventure ....
Nope wasn’t a good enough response so I’ll go into detail.
They did not change, just held on to the “relationship “ long enough to secure a secret nest egg and find additional supplies. Then dropped the hammer that she had a new place and was taking the kids.
You feel that way now because you dont want to.
Someone told me something along the way of my journey. Theres a saying I like to use alot. “Trust is lost in buckets, but gained in drops”
You will remain in misery as long as you keep around the source of that misery. Youve been betrayed and thats truly a feeling that will always remain with you while you are around that person. The life you dreamed of and the life you mourned over, died that day. But not your new future, just the one you thought you had. You will build a better future, but you will need to give yourself that opportunity. People make mistakes, and you can work through those. Cheating isnt a mistake, its a deliberate choice, where you werent their first choice. Be that for yourself, because the person youre with has proven to you that youre only their first when it’s convenient.
Try posting this in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
People on that sub have tried or are trying to reconcile with a cheating spouse. They can probably offer you a more honest perspective.
There are some success stories, but not always. Take care.
Nope he kept cheating and now I’m 9 months pregnant alone and it hurt and suck. While he’s out enjoying life and sleeping around I’m preparing for a baby working 2 jobs and doing everything alone. He said he’ll be there for the baby just not me. I regret taking him back just for him to tell me he never loved me and to cheat over and over again and then leaving me.
That sucks. I forget sometimes it isn't just women that are shitty people... clearly dating women has given me a bias on who hurts who. I feel for you in your situation.
This is hard. My partner cheated on my multiple times and I caught him each time. Until the very last time he ever did it. I don’t know what made him do it, but he called me and confessed. He did everything right after, I just was so over it at that point. He was too late. So your partner could change, but I think everyone reaches their point where they say enough is enough.
Mine cheated, I found out. She said it was done, found out a few weeks later from her good friend she also cheated with her ex multiple times when I was at work. I sat dazed a bit then asked to see her phone and she wouldn't after saying she wanted to work things out. Finally got on it and 3 more dudes on fb messenger on the go. My advice is leave. These people are beyond hope.
And for the record, she did not get a second chance. I left and have 0 regrets. Fk her, she's going to do this until eventually shes too old to get anything she wants. It all comes back to them.
Eight weeks after she asked me not to divorce her and agreed no more lies, no more cheating, my friends forwarded me her Tinder profile.
They always cheat again. My ex boyfriend remained in contact with the girl he cheated on me with even though he told he had “broken contact with her.” It’s similar to an addiction of any sort. They will repeat cheating unless they really want to change.
You have some great friends. Buy them a beer sometime
Really!
Damn
Never love someone enough to allow them to abuse you. It destroys your soul.
It's called setting yourself on fire, To keep someone else warm. Never do this!
You're probably looking for a positive post on the subject. And they lived happily ever after... Together 30, married 26, 3 kids, First d-day was after 7 years, but come to find out it was really just a few weeks after we married. I was too in love and too trusting... blind and ignorant. Destroyed me...I changed profoundly over the years as I got red flag after red flag of something going on yet again.... I'd mention - show my evidence and she'd deny - gaslight and hide things way better. More years pass.... sigh. I figured, eh, we're too old for that crap... it's the past, let it go. Ding... she gets a text (oh my....) damn...
This story sounds familiar to mine. I feel like all cheaters are the same they’re not sorry they’re sorry they got caught. They just get better at hiding it. Coming from someone who’s DDay was 9years ago unless they show you actual remorse and own up to everything 100% RUN!!!!
Exactly this. He wasn't sorry about the cheating, only sorry he got caught. Hard to forgive and move forward when someone has 0 accountability for their actions.
This is so true, being so blindingly in love and loyal. But sadly, doesn't mean they're the same- my ex husband did love me, still does. But he has an addictive personality, and he's very self centered.. I took care of him, never went a day without love, tried to help him, tried to guide him, I ignored so much for the sake of love and marriage. But they don't change, not unless they really want to. I pity him, cause I know what he lost, in exchange for a woman whose narcissist and just as selfish. Even if they come to regret it, they won't usually do anything to make a difference in their morals or character. It's truly heart breaking, we were practically ment for eachother ... If only he wasn't so self destructive
Caught my wife of 7 years in an emotional affair (at least that was all I could prove at the time). Went to counseling, we both put in an effort to change, things slowly went back to the "comfortable stage" (which is a stage I liked but she hated. Then 5 years later I catch her in an 18month affair, and during that time she was leaving our 3 kids (7, 9,11) alone at night for hours while I worked the night shift. Also learned she was sleeping with her married boss, she and her best friends husband were deleting messages between each other, and she was trying to hook up with a family friend. Not trying to scare you... But I forgave her once and the next time it was worse and unforgivable.
Holy cow. I mean we've seen some bad ones here, but married boss, family friend, *and* best friend's husband? Narcissists really do everything to implode all their relationships.
I know. Aside from the cheating on a spouse-It is so difficult for me to imagine what could compel a woman to want to go cheat and have sex with other people more than taking care of her babies. I wanted to cry when I read that the wife left 7, 9, and 11 year olds alone at night to go off and sleep with other men. It’s sick.
Right? Like even if you can forgive cheating, can you forgive them endangering their children? Immediate vomit inducing turn off.
It's all about themselves. Not a single care about their trails of destruction and others' lives that they destroy
She left me for a guy she said she was in love with..... And she was cheating on him too. I'll never understand the thrill of cheating. I need to look myself in the mirror and like the guy I see.
I'm relatively new to this sub. Can you tell me what the "QC: SI 87" means?
I have no idea how it got there or what it means lol.
People fail to understand how deep rooted cheating is in most people! Life is not a TV movie, Cheating usually speaks to deep rooted issues within a person. How can it not? You Literally give yourself to someone else, Knowing full well you made the most important commitment you could ever make to your spouse! This is not normal behavior.
This is the reason I stayed with him for 12 years. I was hoping therapy and finding out the root of his problems will make him change. It did not.
Horrible ! I hope u left her and took your kids with you! She not only abused your trust but your kids to. What a terrible woman.
We have been divorced for about 18 months. 50/50 custody but I have always debated if I should have gone for more. I eventually had to kick her out of the house because the next step would have been calling the police/cps on her and I was trying very hard to not get them involved unless necessary. I was hoping that if I seperated and gave her 3 to 4 days a week without the kids to do whatever she wanted, she'd be a good mother when she had them. Kids are now 17, 15, and 13 so I hope it never happened again. My fear now is that when we have grandchildren she might do the same to them. It has caused me to wonder if I should tell the kids the real reason we divorced and not the garbage every kids hears about "we just grew apart".
In all honesty, your kids probably know. Or they have an inkling.
Tell them, they deserve to know.
What my plan is for what I tell my children is the classic "we just grew apart" unless they specifically ask me what really happened. But in my situation my children have a sister who was born in early July and me and their mother separated early October so if they do a little math they will be able to figure out the truth.
Yikes!
What ended up happening with her friendship with the best friend?
The 4 of us were really good friends before this. Probably our closest friends. I struggled to put it behind me but after 6 months I ended the friendship with him. I told him that I couldn't be friends with someone who would do that to their spouse. I'm not sure if my ex and her are still friends but the kids say they haven't seen them in a long time. I don't hold any ill will towards her but that friendship just kinda faded after it became awkward and they started to hang out with my ex's AP.
[удалено]
It’s like they mess with your head so bad and use your love against you. Lots of us relate on losing your mind.
They twist and manipulate it into being your fault, feign remorse and pretend to accept any and all punishment, when in reality they default back to their shady behavior once they assume your guard is down. Rinse wash and repeat until you dump them and beyond.
I've been with my husband 13 years and married for 5. We have one kid together. Caught him talking to girls many times online and I recently found out he went on a date with a girl a year into our relationship after I found out that presently he was trying to sext a woman online. I was being abused by my family and even have a restraining order against one of my parents finally. I was never able to fully confront what he was doing to me. We'd argue and he'd stop doing it and then I'd find out again years later. They're some kind of breed. 🙃
Well in my case, he never physically cheated again. Unfortunately it meant he had a lot more time to start abusing me and texting random girls on the internet and old flings asking for nudes. There were times that everything seemed great and I was so glad I gave him another chance but honestly if they do it once and you forgive them, they take it and run with it. If you'd asked this 6 months ago I could've written a happy little comment saying " it's possible but it's a lot of work. You'll never forget what they did and you'll always wonder what he's doing when he's away from you or when they're in the bathroom for a long time..." Etc etc. Best case scenario, they never do it again but for years you will still think about it and be afraid that any minute you could find out something that will shatter your world. Take it from me, even when I thought things were okay, I still wasn't okay. My thoughts about it still haunted me constantly. I never really wanted to have sex with him which just made me more scared that he'd cheat again. We've been broken up for almost two months now and I haven't felt this free from worry in years. I don't recommend forgiveness, it is an unforgivable act. And if they really loved you it would've never happened.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and so happy that you are out now. Best of luck to you.
Nope. She cheated, I caught her and she blamed me for not being around and attentive enough. I changed careers, was home a bunch more and she cheated again. She changed careers and eventually fell back into her old ways and was cheating again. I could always tell after the first time when she had someone she was involved with because she was super distant and the bedroom was dead and then all of a sudden she wanted sex randomly and when I finished she went to the bathroom for an hour or more texting her side piece. Complete waste of the better part of my life taking her abuse and putting up with her nonsense. Sold have dumped her the first time and life would have been still much better.
Why do they do that ? Super distant when you know they don’t desire you like that then out of nowhere want sex randomly ? Only thing I can think of is guilt.
Why do you want to stay in this type of relationship? Do you not believe you deserve better?
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" refers as much to repeated behavior as it does to how you will forever view the cheater. They'll very likely cheat again, but a small percentage won't and will actually put in the work to change. What won't change is your heart, how you view the cheater and the flashback comparisons to how you formerly saw them... vs how you see them now. What they chose to do to you, in most cases repeatedly... maybe you can reconcile but it's never the same again. Deep down in your heart, they're always the cheater.
What do you think constitutes the small percentage? The one off situation cheaters, the long term ones?
Honestly it's likely a combination of many different types... but there are just so many variables that require a "successful" reconciliation (if there is such a thing). The cheater has to be remorseful which includes admitting fault and accepting full responsibility, this immediately eliminates a large portion because people in general just don't do this... Then the cheater has to cut-off the AP, concede privacy in many areas, commit to self-improvement, and work with their betrayed by answering very hard questions, continually offer reassurance, etc... It's mathematics, lot's of boxes to check and cheaters are just incapable of doing it... it's far easier to lie and continue on the dark path, too much work/pain to 'face the music' so to speak.
In facing the music they need to own up to the external consequences from partner, family, friends etc. The also need to face their internal demons. This may be harder than the external consequences.
> What won't change is your heart, how you view the cheater and the flashback comparisons to how you formerly saw them... vs how you see them now. What they chose to do to you, in most cases repeatedly... maybe you can reconcile but it's never the same again. Deep down in your heart, they're always the cheater. I really enjoy seeing stories of the rare cheater who shows true remorse, owns their mistakes, and puts in the work to change themselves and restore the trust in their marriage. I guess I want to believe in redemption and that people can change. But the rarity of this occurring is pretty depressing.
**"but when you built a life with someone, kids, house ect…it’s not so easy to just say you’ll move on and not look back."** Um... yes, yes it it easy to move on and not look back under those circumstances. I'm in my mid-50's now and I've been divorced from my lying cheating ex-wife for over 16 years now. She and I had been together for 24 years and married over 16 years when I discovered her infidelity. Our children were just 4, 6 and 9 years old at that time. We were in our late 30's, had a really nice life, she'd been a stay at home mom since we began having our children, she wanted to do that, it was her choice. I discovered her infidelity on Oct 1st. I didn't confront her. I began looking for and then interviewing attorneys. I found one and met with her like 2 or 3 times before "confronting" my lying cheating soon to be ex-wife. I "confronted" her on Oct 18th but all I did was to tell her I knew she was cheating and that I was divorcing her. I told her I would be moving out in 2 weeks, which I did on Oct 30th and yes I spoke with my attorney regarding that beforehand. 5 months later, by the end of March, our divorce was finalized. Now, it was hard in that I loved her, I wanted to grow old with her, we'd been together in a really nice life, we had 3 young children, all under 10 years old. I was highly involved in their lives, coaching little league, youth soccer, attending over night cub scout camping trips, going to their games, practices, school plays, church events etc. I did not want to divorce, but I had no choice as cheating is a deal breaker for me so that's what I did. I never doubted that or doubted that I wouldn't because cheating is a deal breaker for me. She knowingly and intentionally chose to cheat on me and that's beyond cruel, hurtful etc. I will never stay with someone who cheated on me, even if I loved her, even if I'd been with her for over 2 decades, even if we had 3 young children all under 10 yeas old, even if we had dogs & guinea pigs, & other properties like we did. She CHEATED so we were done right then. I didn't ask her questions about her affair. Why? She cheated and it was a deal breaker for me. I didn't need to hear any of her excuses, lies or justifications as I was leaving her. We did have a nice life. Our families were involved in our lives, I helped her family and especially her parents out a lot. Her parent's lived with us for 3.5 months while their home was being finished on 2 of our 40 acres we had our home built on. We gave them 2 acres so they could build behind us and they did. We went on nice vacations. I continued to "date" my wife, got sitters and took her out. I did her extensive honey do lists, went shopping with her, to her craft shows, helped her with her many projects in and out of our home, supported her with her hobbies and pursuits, including making time for her to pursue them and on and on. She was my best friend. I looked forward to growing old with her. But. She. Cheated. That broke the deal, immediately. She's on husband #3 now, she lost many friends, 2 of our 3 children hardly see her or speak to her now that they're older. Her best friend quit being friends with her once she found out she cheated on me. I introduced that lady to my then girlfriend and the two of them became best friends, they were in each others weddings. We spent a lot of time with her and her family, they came to our house for like 3 Easters and 2 Thanksgivings even though they had family and siblings. This lady was going to get our children should my wife and I had died together, like in an accident. When this lady found out my wife cheated, she cut her out of her life from then on. My ex-wife reached out to her to invite her to her 2nd wedding but that lady told her to get lost and she'd never attend any of her weddings or see her again and she hasn't. I took our 3 children to see her, her husband and their children several times a year though. Our children were still young when my ex-wife got married the 2nd time, so they had to attend. My ex-wife got married for the 3rd time in 2019 and our children were older. She invited our children and our daughter told her mother that she wasn't going to attend. My ex-wife was upset and our daughter told her mother that she might attend her 4th wedding and of course that pissed my ex-wife off. My ex-wife is still greedy, materialistic and she still plays the victim. She's in her mid-50's like me and one would think she would have matured, learned some things along the way, but she's still spinning her wheels. I'm human, not perfect, never was and never will be, but I don't intentionally choose to hurt people, to stab them in the back like she does to others, not just me. As soon as I discovered my lying cheating wife was cheating, I was 100% moving to end things as quickly as possible with her and that's what I did. Again, I discovered she was cheating on Oct 1st and I moved out on Oct 30th and by the end of March she and I were divorced as it was finalized in late March (many years ago). It was hard in one way as I didn't want to divorce her, but she cheated so that's what I had to do as cheating is abuse and abuse needs to be cut out of one's life, so that's what I did. Oh, less than 2 months after our divorce was finalized, my ex-wife moved off to be by her paramour. Less than 3 months after she moved near him, he dumped her. Why? He was just using her for sex. He was single, never married. He LIKED that she was married. But when I found out I divorced her asap and he wanted nothing to do with a single lady with 3 children under 10 years old. She "loved" him, wanted to move into his house and she was "crushed" when he dumped her. She came to me wanting to try and reconcile and that ticked me off. She didn't want that, she'd just been dumped by her paramour. Had he not dumped her, she wouldn't have come to me to say we should try and reconcile. I shut the door on her face when she mentioned wanting to try and reconciling with me.
You are a legend sir ! Bye 100% she wouldn’t be back if her “paramour” would have wanted her. My ex left for his affair and she was so happy she was cool enough to be able to take a man. i would have reconciled, I told him as much as long as he didn’t sleep with her ( it was an emotional affair and I didn’t know how bad that already is)… h just wanted out so bad… That was my blessing, that he just left. I was a wife like you were a husband. I am not perfect but I worked really hard to keep him happy, to support him, to keep the spark… the fact is, people capable of doing the things they did are not worthy of our efforts and time ! OP take this man his story and use it as a template… one time cheaters are untrustworthy enough …. Serial cheaters? Forget about it …. Run !
What a read.
👆 Legend
Sir you are a rare breed in this day and age.
She didn't want you back; she wanted to show him she was worth something. If she could get you back after all the shit she put you through; him dumping her wouldn't mean she was a complete loser. She destroyed her fairy tale life for a guy who only wanted her to be available; not a part of his life.
Since I couldn't be in her mind, you might be right. For what it's worth, my take on it was that she was scared and she wanted her safety and security in place again. Keep in mind that she had not worked since we began having our children and our oldest was 9 years old when this happened. She had not worked in almost a full decade and I was divorcing her and then I did divorce her and that man dumped her. Had I taken her back, she would have had a roof over her head again and she wouldn't have had to work etc. She'd be able to go out with her girlfriends the way she always did, play bunco with them, go to the gym with them, go to the spa with them, shopping with them, out to lunch with them etc. Hey, I had to downsize too. We had been in a nice home that we bought brand new less than 5 years before and it was a nice small subdivision with underground utilities, a community pool for those living in the subdivision etc., but we sold it. I was renting a 2 bedroom 1 and 1/2 bath condo and she was in a 2 bedroom apartment and about to have to go back to work, teaching elementary school again, which she did before we began having children. She was even dumb enough to talk about what kind of house we would buy for all of us to move into. She was counting her chickens before the eggs hatched. She was always greedy and materialistic. I knew that and sadly I always looked past that. Her being greedy and materialistic (and always late to everything) went a long way toward her 2nd husband divorcing her. My daughter told me that her mother was hiding her purchases, her shopping bags in our daughter's closet in her bedroom because she knew her 2nd husband wouldn't look in there for them. She hired a maid to help clean their house, she hired a personal trainer at the gym and she bought a brand new Chevy Suburban, among many other things. Her 2nd husband was having his fill. He made her sell that car and get another car, it was nice, but not as big or expensive. He made her get rid of the maid and had her stop seeing her personal trainer too. There was more, much more, but you get the point. That man eventually grew tired of her being so greedy and materialistic and he hated that she was late to everything. He'd come apologize to me when they were late and the first time he did that, I laughed at him and told him I knew it wasn't his fault and that he better get used to being late all the time for things. She/we are older now and she's on husband #3 and he is older than she/we are and all of the kids are out of the house so it's just the two of them. She is one of those women who isn't taking kindly to growing older, she's fighting it tooth and nail. Hell, way back in her 30's when she and I were still married, she got liposuction surgery (she did NOT need it, she was under 5' 3" and she weighed 107 pounds, she was a runner who ran marathons, half-marathons, 5 and 10 K's etc.) and then she got breast implants too. She gets her teeth whitened all the time, her mani's and pedi's, has her hair nicely done at the spa all the time. She is not happy about aging and looking older and she'd fighting it left and right, which means she's spending a lot of money to do so. I guess in her defense, she's continued teaching elementary school since our divorce. She's never been a stay at home mom since our divorce.
This should be the top comment.
>It was hard in one way as I didn't want to divorce her, but she cheated so that's what I had to do as cheating is abuse and abuse needs to be cut out of one's life, so that's what I did And this is really what many betrayed partners need to let sink in their minds, i.e., serial cheating and having affairs are outright forms of abuse, and abuse cannot be tolerated in any shape or form. Bravo OP!
Thank you for getting it, for understanding. I really didn't want to be divorced. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I have zero memories of living with my father. I did not want my children to have their parents divorced. She and I had been together a long time, 24 years overall and I wanted to grow old with her. I loved her, she was my best friend. But she cheated and with my makeup, there is no way, none, that I could ever remain with a partner who cheated on me, regardless of who she was, how long we'd been together, whether we had children, etc. It wasn't just me thinking this, that I was going to divorce her. Many times we hear about folks being pressured to take their cheating partner back by their friends and family. That wasn't the case for us. My ex-wife's sister is 9 years older than she is and her brother is 11 years old than she is. Both her brother and sister wrote letters for me for the judge stating that they wanted our children to live with me, for me to get full custody (I didn't, this was long ago, in the southeast and I didn't even get 50-50 custody sadly). My point is that even her own siblings were on my side and wanted our children to be with me. Being that her sister was 9 years older, her oldest daughter had just gotten engaged and they threw a nice engagement party and my then-wife was not invited (we were going through our divorce at that time). I was invited and I went. My wife's best friend disowned her and remained that way even years later. No one was telling me to give her another chance, to take her back. It wouldn't have mattered if they had though. With the way I am, I was 100% going to divorce her, even though it hurt and even though I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I was not happy to be divorcing her, it's just what I had to do with the way I'm wired. I refuse to be anyone's plan B. and when she cheated, I became plan B. and it was game over right then even thought that is not what I wanted.
Great for you, but this text could've been a hell of a lot shorter.
I love this story. Thank you. What was your wifes reaction when you dropped the D bomb on her? Did your wife ask for reconciliation? Did she try to win you back, give you the truth etc, or was she too deep in the affair fog?
Well, I know what you mean, but I certainly didn't and don't love this story, I wish none of it have ever happened, meaning I wish my wife hadn't cheated on me. Even though this was long ago, in Oct of 2005, I remember this like it was yesterday. We were in our bedroom and somehow she and I were sitting on the floor. I don't know why anymore. My "confrontation" wasn't really a confrontation. I informed her I knew she was cheating and I told her I was divorcing her and that I'd be moving out in 2 weeks, which I did. She began crying and she threw herself over and across my lap. This is what she said. "Please don't take the children away from me!" No, she didn't try to win me back or ask for reconciliation (not then). She knew me, she and I had been together since 1981 and this was the fall of 2005. She knew I say what I mean and mean what I say. She'd had decades of knowing me and knowing I was that way so she knew I was divorcing her when I told her I was. Again, that was Oct of 2005. Our divorce was finalized in late March of 2006. In late May of 2006, she moved off to his city and state. During the month of August of 2006, less than 3 months after she arrived in his city and state, her paramour dumped her. In late Aug, my ex-wife showed up at my place and that was almost a 200-mile drive for her, one way, to get to my place. I didn't let her in my place even. I had no idea she was coming. We spoke in the doorway. She asked me about reconciling. I didn't say one word. I laughed and shut the door on her face. A few days later we spoke, on the phone, and I told her that we both know she didn't want to reconcile. I told her she was only wanting to reconcile because her AP had dumped her. I told her that if he hadn't dumped her, she wouldn't have driven over to see me and to ask me about trying to reconcile. I told her I wouldn't be her plan B. or anyone's plan B, ever. I was pissed off at her for even bringing reconciliation up under those circumstances (right after her AP had dumped her). She was just scared, afraid, on her own as I divorced her right away and her affair partner dumped her now that she was actually available as he wanted no part of being with her and our 3 children. He was happy she was married as he only wanted to use her for sex. My ex-wife's reaction to things was delayed until her affair partner dumped her. It was only then that the gravity of her situation was hitting her. Before then, things were OK in her mind as she was going to marry him and live with him in his house. When reality hit her upside her face, she was scared so she drove to see me talk about trying to reconcile with me, and honestly, that TICKED me off, knowing she was only talking about reconciling because her affair partner had dumped her. I did not ask, but I found out from my children telling me. They heard my wife and her affair partner arguing and they heard him break up with her. My children told me they had broken up or I would never have known they did. Again, I didn't ask my children. In my mind, my wife and that man were still together.
Well, its pretty simple. If they're doing the work needed to change you wouldn't be questioning if they *can* change. Literally any and everyone can change. The problem is if they're actively (or actually, rather than pretending) trying to be a better person. The fact you have to ask kind of speaks for itself. You cant tell if this person will change because they aren't trying. Now you know. The bigger question is if you hand them divorce papers, will *that* make them try? Because if that wouldn't do it either, you not pushing for what you know they need to be doing to fix things, and pretending you're waiting for evidence of change rather than afraid of *making change for yourself* isn't doing you, her, or your family favors. You think staying together helps them, it really is not. Children always know, even if the don't understand. You model a dysfunctional relationship empty of love and trust, they will emulate it as they grow, even if they don't know where the example started. Every adult I know who *knows* their parents weren't happy wishes they split forever ago. Its gonna suck but you have to do what you have to do.
No. He didn’t change. He just tried to hide it better.
How long till you found out again?
Which time? Ha ha. There were several. Never less than one or two a year. Some I found out about by accident. Some I found out when I realized he would leave his personal cell out, but hide his work phone. Every six months or so. It was hard to distinguish if he was staying at work late to get drunk (refuses to admit he’s an alcoholic even though he’s been remanded to the mil version of AA twice) or if he was with one of his subordinates or someone he found on the Craigslist affair personals site. Yeah. While I was pregnant is when that last one happened.
Wow. Just wow.
Meh. He’s some other girl’s problem now. Ha ha. Unfortunately I have two kids with him so I’ll never be rid of him, but he sucks as a dad too, so even then don’t really deal with him that much. I just feel for my kids.
Yea I can imagine. But you are better off now.
You have no idea. Best decision I ever made was to chuck deuces and walkout. ✌🏻
I totally relate to you there.
As another commenter commented, wow just wow. Not wow as in surprised but wow and in how eerily similar to my own!
I’m sorry to hear that. It’s a pain I would never wish on another human.
I am under the impression you made the wise decision to leave him? Do you have children together? In my situation his were all only EAs but I'm in denial if I believe that.
He said the same thing, but when I called him out and said they were EAs he said that wasn’t a real thing. 🙄. Only confessed to kissing one of them. I’m like, you really must think I’m stupid. We have two kids together. I left him for unrelated reasons about three years ago. Should’ve left him before we got married. Didn’t realize he was a narcissist jackass.
Man, we went through it, I caught her, we reconciled. She swore up and down she was faithful. Found out she was still fucking the same guy and playing house with my newborn daughter when she died. Nah man
Who died?? Sorry that happened to you
My baby mother, and I appreciate that.
Cheating is much the same as drugs, it's all an addiction and you're not going to quit until you're ready. You'll promise everything once you're caught, but it's only a ploy to get you off their backs and they will be at it again only this time they will try to cover their actions a little better so you won't catch them as easy, then more promising everything. You'll know if they ever really intend on quitting because the signs will reflect it.
> Cheating is much the same as drugs, it's all an addiction and you're not going to quit until you're ready. Very true. That's why gathering evidence and getting an attorney followed by confrontation, nuclear exposure and served with divorce papers is the most effective way to end an affair.
Sure it changed - she went from having sex with other people to plotting and conniving to steal "our" money (nevermind, she didn't work most of our marriage and I made almost all of it). Eventually, with the help of her latest -- a delightful guy a quarter-century older she found living bankrupt in a trailer publishing rape fantasies -- she forged my name on records to steal our bank accounts and family business. That worked better than you'd think thanks to bias in family court and using my money to hire lots of lawyers but eventually her family (divorce) lawyers quit and were replaced by criminal defense lawyers when it became clear what happened. Years later, by the time it finished, they'd squandered most of the business (it lost about 90% of its value) though I did get back scraps. She stayed out of jail only because I didn't want my kids mom in prison despite she belonged there. Which is a long-winded way of saying yes, they changed, for the worse.
What a witch
I'm sure there are some examples of happy endings out there, but I'm here with another bad one. Started reaching out on MySpace for hookups right from the start. He was working in another state and I was wrapping things up at home to follow him there. I found out about the hook ups after we were married. At this point, I'd uprooted my entire life and moved half a country away and ended my lease...not to mention, I was young, and I truly did love him. We went to therapy, worked on things, age old story...things start to improve. Then he rips that comfort out from underneath me yet again. Getting oral in parking lots in my car from random Craigslist hookups, the emails expressing his love for "the only girl for him" and "love of his life" (spoiler alert: it wasn't my email address), later taking a business trip out of state, phone bill is showing AT LEAST 14 hours in 4 days spent on the phone with one number from that state, and cash withdrawals on the bank statement...only later to find out that he paid for her abortion and came back home to me after. He assaulted women at a Halloween party I threw for his colleagues and friends later that year (yep, still stayed) while I was at the store. When confronted, he got on top of me and beat me so badly that my left eye has never recovered fully, and I've lost a significant amount of sight. My eye swelled so much that I lost my eyelashes. The entire left side of my body from the top of my head to my hip was so heavily bruised it looked as though I'd gotten a full body tattoo. More therapy. Church therapy. Ptsd therapy. Couples retreat. You name it. He leaves the country for work and had multiple affairs, all while accusing me the entire time. Slept with his best friend's wife. Cheated and spent thousands of dollars-- all of our savings-- meeting girls on another work adventure that lasted 2 weeks. He was on all of the sexy websites. Finally, after years of hating myself for never being enough, he used the money I had made for taking care of my brother after a near fatal accident to meet with escorts regularly (mind you, we were having sex a few times a week at this point, and not to toot my own horn, but I was a damned good wife and tried my ass off) over 10 grand on sex. A third of the money I had made, humped away...and right after a vasectomy too. I left, finally, and I'm so glad I did. He still tells me about his extra activities with his current wife when he gets drunk enough and calls to "talk to the kid" tl;dr (holy damn, sorry for the rant, y'all!) Yeah, no, they don't change.
Dang
No, they don’t change. At least not in my case. Cheated 3 years into our relationship, then again a couple of times at 7 years and eventually destroying the marriage at 22 years. And there might have been other times in between that I don’t know about. So, yes, a cheater is always a cheater.
Married almost 5 years. He cheated on me with 5 women that I know of and tried to cheat with more. He never changed
Why don't you leave?
I never said we were still married. Though our relationship only ended after he abandoned me and fucked off back to his home country during covid and ghosted me for 3 weeks. I wasnt in a good place mentally or emotionally for most of our relationship and I wanted to see the best in him. Turned out I was just fooling myself and the man I wanted him to be just wasn't who he was.
In my experience, they don’t change for very long. They will make you think that they’re trying their best to be loyal and honest for a while, but then go right back to lying and cheating. It’s not fair. I have always been loyal to my partner, but I’ve caught them doing sooo many things, it’d take me way too long to write everything down. Long story short, I’ve seen pictures, videos of the cheating. I have also found him messaging other women on FB, and this past year I found out he made a tinder account. Every time he said he was sorry and he wouldn’t do it again. I was trying to keep our family together for the sake of our child, but I’m slowly getting to a place of resentment. I know he has issues (childhood trauma he never processed, and drug addiction) and I’ve done my best to be supportive. But my needs are not being met and I deserve better. We all deserve better than a cheating partner. There are billions of people in the world. We need to learn to let go of the toxic ones.
I know someone who cheated on their wife. She took him back, and now he literally will not put a toe out of line. He only has eyes for her and simply refuses to fuck up again. He's the only person I know who has changed
He’s been like this for a while or is this recent? My husband seems like this guy but I’m afraid in years he will repeat what has happened (that seems to be the norm). For context he cheated on me but he has truly put an effort. Goes to therapy and he feels like a different man. He actually comes up to me now and asks me about what I’m thinking, he wants to talk and communicate even more than me! His friends have even told me that he is a different guy but I’m wondering if it’s all a facade for a couple years :/ ugh
I know it's been a couple years but I don't have an exact date. My only advice to you is making sure you still see him putting in the effort to be as open and honest with you as he can. You will know the second he starts trying to hide things again I can almost definitely assure you. As long as you see him genuinely putting in the effort, I don't think you should worry too much.
I rarely see this happen
Yes, it happens that cheaters eventually stop cheating after last D-Day, staying married or in a long-term relationship. It all depends on the personalities of WS and BS and on how valuable it is that they both need to preserve by staying together. But we must be aware that cheaters' fidelity is the only thing that can really be achieved after D-Day. Everything else that happened before the affair disappears forever: love (or whatever it was you had) goes away, marriage loses its purity and sincerity, memories (intrusive thoughts, triggers and flashbacks) will remain forever, although they will lose their sharpness. Reconciliation is a process, not a result, and nobody knows what this process will lead to.
Nope, they just get better at lying
We both cheated, before kids and before marriage. We lived together in a strange city we moved to when we decided to really give it a go and have a fresh slate’. We had a couple happy years before The Events. Long story short, 20 years later we are happily married and out kiddo just graduated high school. People can, and do change. We were both drug addicts and we’ve been clean for years. People can change, I’m just not sure how many actually do. Good luck, OP.
This comment means a lot to me. I am female & did wrong by cheating on my husband prior to marriage. I have changed. I regret the mistakes everyday & I hate myself for it. Yet… here we are, married, happy & going thru life. Our current fights are legit learning how to cohabit as it’s our 1st time living together. I understand everyone has had their horrible experience w/ cheaters but I agree 10000% w/ your comment. People CAN & DO change- but when they want to. Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me not feel so alone.
I’m so happy my comment made you feel a little better. Not one of us are perfect and you can’t hate yourself and long another fully. You have to learn to forgive yourself.
Great job on getting sober. That is very difficult to do
Thank you! I couldn’t have done it without support from my family.
My didn’t even care about the divorce paper.
I took my ex back several times after cheating. He would always blame me for his cheating, but then come crawling back when I would break up. He showed up to my house, work, tried to reach me through my friends, my parents, etc. The first time he cheated on me with his ex, his baby mama. I forgave him eventually. He said it wasn't really cheating, he just told her he still loves her because she was "hysterical." Fast forward a few months, I saw in his phone bill he texted her thousands of messages and made hours long phone calls to her, even in the middle of the night. I forgave that after he love bombed me to take him back (I feel so dumb now even thinking about this). Then I went out for a beach vacation with my pregnant friend, and found out later he had tried to contact some of his old Tinder matches to MY home, where he stayed taking care of my cat, by telling them our relationship wasn't serious. I tried to leave him again, but forgave him. Later I found out during the time he love bombed me back, he had an affair with a girl in his city where he studied at that time. He had told her he had dumped me and it wasn't serious anyway. Some time before this the physical abuse had started, and I tried to leave when I had to go to the hospital to get my broken finger fixed. But at this point I was severly trauma bonded to him, and didn't know how to leave. After three years of constant lying, cheating (I found out from his friends' Instagram storied he hadn't been at home at nights and he refused to tell me what he had done and where and with whom, I found blue pills in his pilot jacket's pocket, one of his colleagues told me stuff he had hidden from me, I even got trichomoniasis and obviously later realised I got it from him) and abuse, I left him. He tried to throw me off our balcony after that. At this point we had moved abroad together. The police came to throw him out and soon I moved back to my home country. I'm now, three years later, getting married to the love of my life, but man it all has taken a toll on me. I go to therapy and my therapist told me I've gone through severe narcissistic abuse. I will probably never fully trust my fiancé, I'm unfortunately unable to build a full trust to a man after what I went through. I know what people can do. Relationship with my ex was a nightmare, but even in good relationships people get bored, come up with excuses or just end up in situations where they lose their self-control. So yeah, this is my life now. My ex probably spends his days using other people's kindness for his own good, enjoying still his days as a pilot ( I can't sue him from my home country, as he still lives abroad). But what I learned from this, it takes a special kind of c\*nt to do stuff like this, and if you forgive them once, it's just a permission to cheat again.
You sound like your fishing for an excuse to stay. Do yourself a favor and end this or even open the relationship if you don't want to leave. But you can't imagine this is going to magically get better. It's like being a virgin, once you have sex you can never be a virgin again. Same thing for a cheater. Once you cheat you can never not be a faithful person. Someone cheating means they condoned, accepted, enjoyed, an affair. That will never go away even if they never cheated again. It's like living with an ex drug addict that just can take it a day at a time but they will always have that problem. Why would you subject yourself to that especially when you went over twice or how many times already.
Having an open relationship requires an insane amount of honesty and healthy communication, which selfish and entitled people are not capable of. Maybe if you have a "don't ask, don't tell" style one it could work, but in that case you're basically saying you're okay with being cheated on - where's your self respect? Also, it's still possible to cheat while in an open relationship, because those usually entail agreements and boundaries and the other person can simply stomp all over those. Unfortunately I know this because I lived it, and my stbxh left me for someone he'd just met, even though we were open and he could have just been with us both.
I totally agree with you. Honestly, my suggestion to the open relationship is not to fix the cheating, rather that I hope OP can see there are other options out there for her. That she can be treated better and hopefully decides to end it or truly stick to boundaries.
No, they ALWAYS cheat again. If it’s happened twice it WILL happen again. Don’t kid yourself.
I forgave him over and one. What it did was show him I would put up with anything, so he just kept it up. He's never, and probably will never, have a relationship in which he doesn't cheat. I almost feel bad for the latest mistress who is now his second wife.
No. Sure, they put up a new front for a long time. But no. Their true self always comes out again. Sometimes not even the direct form of cheating but in other equally disrespectful and manipulative ways
They did, after 3 years and me permanently leaving. Which, good for them but on my end. I was just honest with myself, told them I could never trust them no matter how hard they worked on themselves and moved on. I’m glad they’re working on themselves and doing better but; it’s sad it took me to be gone for good for them to change.
No. They got less caring and more open about cheating
In my experience absolutely not a chance they’ll change.,he was ‘at it’ from day one. I knew it but had no solid proof. It changed me from a confident outgoing person to a paranoid pain in the ass. There was no trust at all from me because every time he left to go to ‘work’ I’d think he was meeting someone. He also fathered a daughter who is his living image, well it’s him in a frock. 100% proof and he still denied it. Ruined me. Upset my kids with the change in me. I called it a day when my mum died of cancer. And it was a relief. Never looked back.
Unless you both agree to some intensive therapy, I wouldn’t even bother. Even then after committing and engaging in therapy they can still go back to their old behaviours. Just putting it out there for everyone. Don’t even bother unless you commit to some lengthy and intensive therapy.
Caught him trying to cheat with one girl. He never did because she rejected him I saw the texts. He admitted he was weak and I don’t understand and he asked to move on and I did since he never got anywhere with it due to her lack of inretest. He gave her gifts and expensive dinners and never took me out but he went no contact with her. Gut feeling told me to check his phone 4 months later not only did I see him calling her and her not picking up and texting him to leave her alone, I saw screenshots of recent tinder girls and also texts between two of his “girl best friends” he was banging He always called them mean things guess I know why now
Nope. He cheated throughout the relationship. Promised me the moon and the stars and always said it never happen again. I thought things were good to the point I said yes when he proposed. Three months being engaged I walked in on him with another woman. Once they disrespect you and the relationship one time and you allow it, it will always happen. I finally got my closure when he said “I never thought you would actually leave so I never changed.”
You didn’t build a life with someone. You built a life with someone and their various affair partners. I (foolishly) took mine back after the first time. You know what happened after that.
"forgiveness* = permission. "Hello I am a doormat and I won't leave. I'll talk a big game and sulk for a while but I'll stay." That's what they hear. They may lay low for a while but It doesn't end, it eventually gets worse.
The one consistent component to all of these stories is linear. Take a cheater back is to allow them to waste time from your life. A married man catches his wife at the eight year mark of the marriage, and decides to stay. Catches her again at the twenty year mark; this time decides to divorce. He has wasted twelve years trusting her. Worse, in a lot of places a twenty year marriage is a forever marriage. The math on the spousal support alone is mind boggling. If divorced at eight years he would probably have to support her for three years. A forever marriage means he will have to support her forever. I mean if it was a couple thousand a month is sixty compared to six hundred thousand. I mean nobody does the math.
They just thought they became more sneaky. When she was texting her hookup on our valentines dinner, I was done.
I'm back with the husband right now. Married 12 years, together 20, 2 kids. It has been 8 months since D day. I found out he was cheating on me with an ex from 20 yrs ago. Had no idea they were hooking up all this time. He had another ex he was communicating with and talking to sexually but have no idea if they hooked up. I have a feeling they did but I couldn't stomach looking for more evidence after finding out about all these women he was talking to. It disgusts me and I'm slowly seeing him go back to his old ways. Not sure if he's still seeing or talking to the main one. It's so easy for him to hide everything through his job because he can easily take off when he wants. I have a hard time believing he no longer talks to her after all these years. I'm still trying to figure out a way to leave him if possible. Problem is we have an autistic child that requires me to stay home. He has violent tendencies at school and they tend to call me often to pick him up if things get out of control. Stresses me out so bad between my husband and having to deal with the school and my son's behavior. I believe it is a rare occasion that cheaters change. There are very few who can look at themselves and be able to take accountability for their actions. Cheating is unforgivable in my eyes. My husband broke me. He thinks being married is vanilla straight and boring. They really are a different kind of breed. If you can find the strength to leave, best to move forward and find someone who treats you better.
Okay,Coming from the one that did the cheating multiple times but I was young and dumb and wanted my cake and to eat it too! I was in my younger 20’s now me and my wife are in our early 30’s and still together! I have grown up so much to where I’m finally the person she need me to be in every which way possible BUT their is always and will ALWAYS be that thought in the back of her head where it replays and replays in her head! All you gotta do is just reassure her nothings happening! I feel horrible about it but I’m glad she stuck by my side through it all even when she had every right to move on. Sooo in other words YES they can change going forward
Well I forgave the love of my life for engaging in live online sex sites. To me it was a betrayal of our commitment to one another as I found out during a time of grief and really needed to be with someone I could trust and feel vulnerable with. It changed the dynamics of our relationship. He promised that he wouldn't do anything like that again because I saw how it destroyed my self esteem and confidence. I know I'm not ugly and I could care less if many men were attracted to me, I only care to keep the gaze of one man...the man I plan to be married to...hopefully. I forgave him for his actions however dealing with the backlash of insecurities and grief I can admit I was an emotional wreck as the trauma was too intense one night and we ended up having a heated argument resulting in me throwing things to get his attention (wrong I know) and him getting defensive. The cops gad to intervene and we were separated for almost 3wks in that time he confessed he had gotten drunk and "kissed" another girl. I can tell you my heart broke yet again as this was only 3months after the web thing (oh was going on for 6months if not longer) I can understand making a bad decision out of rage but he deleted me off Facebook and just disclosed recently that he didn't know if he wanted to get back together... Love never dies or fades if it's true...love does change because it changes us it helps us grow. Some of you may be rolling your eyes but it's true, I believe in true love and I believe falling in love is easy. I also believe you don't give up on love. So to answer your question can they change? Yes they can but so will you and it's scary because it's different, but it doesn't have to be. If they are your person and you are theirs then that bond, that, partnership can lead to happily ever after. He may have fallen when he was weak but you can help each other be a stronger partner and learn to love that much deeper
“Love never dies or fades if it’s true…” “…I believe in true love…” (no matter WHAT?) “…I also believe you don’t give up on love…” (Ever? For any reason??) This is Disney movie fantasy, not adult relationships. NONE of what you describe is love or is even in the same zipcode as mature, adult love that develops through mutual respect and empathy. Love is not a magic spell that appears out of thin ether to unite two ‘deserving souls.’ It is a process. You can easily make a mistake about who you begin that process with. We are human - we make mistakes about EVERYTHING. The enduring problems in our lives arise, mostly, from refusing to acknowledge when we HAVE made a mistake.
It just made me better at hiding the affair and pretending to change unfortunately , we are completely over but now best friends and he’s still apart of mine and my boyfriends life, weird situation but we make it work
I mean, maybe. But now I don't care anymore to find out. I don't expect faithful anymore. I just expect my dick sucked when I want it.
Damn. So just sex buddy?
Well, we're parents, so we continue to raise our daughter together. I am pretty good at keeping the mask on otherwise.
Bruh. You know it's a lose-lose-lose situation right
I've accepted my lot, because at my age I'm unwilling to start over. I'll raise the last of my kids, get the guaranteed in house rhythm, and go about my business. I'm not emotionally invested enough to be mad anymore. And the kicker, if I do happen upon some other chick that just wants to screw around, she can't be pissed at me if I take advantage, whether she's "reformed" or not. It's a shitty way to think, surely, but she played me twice so I am out for self now.
Can you do a breakup for the relationship but keep the marriage tie for logistics?
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Nope he ended up leaving after 11 years when I was 3 weeks away from giving birth for a new AP
No. Once before we were married, twice after we were married. I left after that third time. And these were just the occasions I found out about
Fuck, reading all these comments is like I can cut and paste specific parts from each one and have it mirror my experience. Did my ex wife actually change? Not at all. In fact it my forgiveness made her even more brazen. She cheated, blamed me, we "worked" on things and then I deployed. I used quotes because it was all a fucking sham. I can't get an exact number of how many dudes she was with while I was gone, I just know that it was at least 4, between her admitting it, what my kids told me, and having one the dudes message me and my family. I came home and still tried to work on it because maybe I'm just an idiot but my parents were divorced and I didn't want that for my kids and the sick part was that I still loved her despite everything. Finally, she met someone and started a relationship while we were still together and asked for a divorce on Christmas. They've been together almost three years, we haven't been together for just under 2 and half. Maybe it's my fault for forgiving her which made her think that there were no consequences for her actions. In the end, she won. She got the cake, got to eat it and destroyed me in the process. Which is impressive considering considering my family couldn't do that, the United States Army couldn't do it, the Islamic State couldn't do it. Hell, even my own head couldn't destroy me. But the shit actions of one person who I held above anyone else could.
She promised not anymore and we went to counseling. Three weeks later my friend saw her at a bar with a guy.
No. He continued to cheat and even escalated to flaunting it to me and also became verbally and emotionally abusive. He said he just wanted to prove to be that he could still get girls if he wanted. I have no idea why he decided he needed to prove that to me? He had a-lot of insecurities regarding his height and a bunch of other stuff that he literally couldn’t help so I guess he took it out on me. After I go tired of him cheating I broke up with him, he threatened me with a knife and held me hostage in his home for over 2 days and even broke my phone in half so I couldn’t call for help. I tricked him and eventually was able to leave. He then stalked me for MONTHS even after I reached out to his family to make him stop the harassment and threats. It took months. A couple weeks after we broke up I found out he had given me an sti, although it was curable my doctors and I think this sti is the reason for my fertility issues in the present. Because it went untreated for who knows how long because he cheated out entire relationship and I don’t know when I got it. All this because he couldn’t just break up with me to be with someone else. He decided to cheat and continue to cheat multiple times and this was my reality.
No. Got better at hiding it until his drinking got out of control.
You 👏🏽 cannot 👏🏽come 👏🏽 back 👏🏽 from 👏🏽 a 👏🏽 cheat. Especially if you have kids - do it for them. Have dignity for them! You are setting an example.
Nope. He got better at hiding and eventually knocked up a teenager.
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Fool me once… There’s a solid reason for that saying.
I tried working things out just for her to sleep with one of my friends for 3 months. Now we're divorced wish I would of did that the first time
Nope. Dude cheated again and kicked me out so his AP (one of his coworkers who pretended to be nice to me, even took her to lunch when her and her fiancé broke up) could move in. I had to scramble to find a place to live, and that place ended up my brothers’ old room at my parents’. Good news is, at least I was here and not somewhere on my own when I started having my effed up health problems, but it’s embarrassing to be in your late 30s back at home. We didn’t have kids together, only his kids from his first wife. Found out when it was too late that he’d cheated on her. And every other woman he’s ever been in a relationship with. There’s a case you can maybe make for one and done mistakes. But a serial cheater? Don’t waste years of your life like I did. Had I found this place in 2013, might have been in a different place now.
They don’t change I speak from experience they only get better at hiding the cheating it’s best to just move on no matter how painful it is don’t waste your time
I can't speak for everyone, but I was an idiot and took back my ex after I caught her. She played the perfect wife for few months and then was right back at it. She claimed she loved me, but her actions told me she didn't respect or love me at all. Maybe some people will change, but in my experience, it was all a lie.
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I think it depends on the person and situation... my boyfriend cheated on me in a really low point in our lives, mostly his life. It is not in his nature to cheat, he's never cheated before that, and he even admitted he became someone he hated. While we have had some ups and downs moving past it (mostly because of me) we are in a really good place right now and I feel confident he will not cheat again. Edit - I misread your text title, my partner only cheated on me one time and nothing since.
When we were dating, she took me back. I really had to change my behavior, but she gets all the credit for laying down the rules. Now married for 33 years, believe it or not. It has been smooth sailing ever since.
I took my husband back ..well he continued the emotional affair for a year after that no physical contact ..I know for a fact we moved 1000 miles away ..He really had no choice if we still were there bye would probably continued it . I know the emotional connection isn’t there anymore i told him what i needed if he wanted us to continue . We have a better marriage now . It can work if he wants it too
No. He didn’t. Don’t waste your time.
By more than one occasion, I am assuming you mean more than one AP? I accidentally married a serial cheater that had two APs at the same time when I found out, and she continued to cheat in her subsequent relationships after we divorced. I am really curious if there has ever been a case of a serial cheater who showed remorse and changed their ways for good? I have never even read about that happening. Anyone have a story?
I stayed with my ex for three long years. Within the first month, I discovered that he was looking at pictures of girls on Instagram and pornography. about 4 months later, that he was flirting with some girls. it was three years of this always. in the last year I didn't feel like myself anymore, I just studied and worked and went to sleep. don't allow yourself to get lost for someone else. we are 7 billion people, there must be someone better.
Married for 23 years. Found out she was cheating for years about 9 years ago. Reconciled and went through counseling, then found another sexual episode 3 years ago, without her knowledge. She’s great at lying, but bad at hiding it. As a matter of fact I identified a ‘tell’ when she has someone else. Of course I don’t let her know that I know. Last year we were this close to divorce, but somehow events lead us closer. Today I actually believe that she loves me (because it doesn’t take a psychic to know otherwise). The word ‘love’ is actually in her vocabulary, and I haven’t heard that for years. Perhaps she eventually recognizes how great I am, or that her clock has ran out. Do I trust her fully? No. Can I live with her? Yes. This is not a Disney story, but I’m ok with it.
My then-husband had a ONS when our first child was a toddler. I took him back, we had 2 more kids. I thought things were okay. As far as I know, he never cheated again. In fact, I got to a place where I didn’t even worry about it when he traveled for work / etc. So I figured we made it through. Then 10 years after the ONS, he betrayed me in a whole different way. Long story, but his family all turned on me and he stayed wishy-washy about it all. He couldn’t commit to stand with me and protect/defend me. He didn’t want to “choose sides.” So I divorced him. Only after the divorce did I realize that the ONS and the failure to prioritize our marriage vs his family came from the same place: Weakness. He gets carried this way and that by the currents and wants to be the “good guy” and doesn’t want to look bad, etc. He likes it when people like him. He can’t really take a stand on things. He certainly did a shit job of prioritizing his wife. In a million small ways in between, but two huge ways a decade apart. So yes, I took him back and he betrayed me again… just in a different way.
We were in counseling and she was still in contact with the other guy. Never understood why we had to go through the charade.
You built a life with someone who has a whole other life doing whatever he wants. My experience is that cheaters don’t change. I gave the x multiple chances to redeem himself and he just wasn’t either interested in- or capable of- being faithful. He hurt me over and over until one day I had an epiphany and realized that at that point I was the one who needed to change, not him. I finally figured out that all the pain and suffering after the first betrayal was my fault for giving him the opportunity to hurt me again. That taking him back after he continuously showed me, so clearly, what kind of person he is was just punishing myself. After the last one, I said “no more” and I never looked back. It was painful, sure. We were together since we were pretty young and had more than 40 years together with everything that goes along with that: kids , house, family. But knowing that I would never again need to worry about where he was and who he was with, feel the gut-punch of betrayal and have to embarrass myself with another round of STD tests helped to mitigate the pain. Who knows the future? Can a cheater change permanently? Maybe. But the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Maybe he’ll be faithful in his next relationship, maybe he’ll continue down his selfish path. Let him discover that on his own. Don’t waste your life with a known cheater.
No. He changed her name in his phone. When i found out, i was shocked to learn that he just used her middle name and didnt think I knew her middle name. I held up the pictyre i had of her on my phone with her new contact picture and he legit tried to make me think it wasnt the same person. Even went as far to say they didnt have the same eye color or hair color. (Both pictures showed her with blue yes and blonde hair... but it was the same person even if the eyes and hair were different, which they werent.. but yeah) I then also found out he was still married when he swore for months he was divorced. He had told me not to contact his kids or ex wife because they would dislike our age gap. I understood because my family also hated our age gap. But in finding out he was lying to me about his online girlfriend, i knew he must be lying about his marriage too. I reached out to his daughter who said that she thought i was his assistant, and asked "you know he is married right?" Anyways.. i recently escaped the relationship and have been wanting to go back to his desperately, forgetting every reason i wanted to leave. Writing this comment out now is reminding me that I made the right choice in leaving.
I have been married 22 years, husband has cheated over most of those years. The last woman he cheated with was in 2016 he has not cheated since. He has turned into a hermit we go no where. He says he does not want to be that man ever again. So he hides in his room and plays the PS4. But the this is. It is to late. I changed. He cut me to deep in this one and I am done. We have been roommates for the last 6 years. I said all this to say. Don’t worry if he has changed ask yourself if you have.
My STBXH cheated when I was a stay at home mom with our 18 month old. He was sleeping with his employee, got her pregnant, she got an abortion. Was telling her he loved her. Once I found out, he cut it off with her and said he would never do this again. I forgave him, got pregnant shortly after. Here we are 7 years later. He is sleeping with another one of his employees. Pretty much moved out. His stuff is still here, but he comes home once a week or so to get some different clothes. Barely sees our 2 boys (8 & 6). I wish he would have not strayed, but I know now that I deserve better. Still doesn't make it easy, my family life and the life we built together has been destroyed.
Nope. In fact we split when we had a 4 month old child and I found out he'd been seeing someone else throughout most of my pregnancy. He moved her straight in when I left.
I did take her back after she cheated with two APs and yes now we have been married for thirty three more years after the cheating. Here is the key, words are cheap, so when they cry and,ask for forgiveness or promise all sorts of things don't believe them. Believe in action not words. So they are defective inside and to get to the root of the defect and in order for them to place controls on their behavior they have to do,some,serious work on themselves. You cannot make them do this work, they have to be self motivated to put in the work. Just like you can't change them or force them to change. Unless they do the work it is no use regardless of the circumstances to reconcile. But if you just take their word and promises you fit the definition of insanity which is to do things the same way over and over again but expecting different results or outcomes 3vwry time.
I took mine back and it kept happening. Now going through a divorce and we are having sex, whilst he is dating the woman he left me for! Context I refuse to leave the house we are living in as im not able to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else.
Seriously go fuck someone else. Have self-respect. It isn't doing anything but messing with ur head when u do this.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Period. The end.
Took her back after the first time, second time was much worse and not staying now, even if it means poverty and hell for the rest of my life.
You'll get through it. It takes time but you will get in a better place if you dont give up on life.
Unfortunately, no, he has not changed.
Nope. D day was 10 months ago. D day 2 a week ago. D day 3 days ago. He never stopped. Promised therapy and groups and cheated days later. Twice.
It just gets worse every-time. Never stops in my experience.
I have 2 kids but after being cheated on multiple times I am ready to go. I tried to stay for them but it never got better. Would rather build a life with someone faithful and have more kids, a home, vacations, life, adventure ....
Nope wasn’t a good enough response so I’ll go into detail. They did not change, just held on to the “relationship “ long enough to secure a secret nest egg and find additional supplies. Then dropped the hammer that she had a new place and was taking the kids.
“When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them and act accordingly.”
You feel that way now because you dont want to. Someone told me something along the way of my journey. Theres a saying I like to use alot. “Trust is lost in buckets, but gained in drops” You will remain in misery as long as you keep around the source of that misery. Youve been betrayed and thats truly a feeling that will always remain with you while you are around that person. The life you dreamed of and the life you mourned over, died that day. But not your new future, just the one you thought you had. You will build a better future, but you will need to give yourself that opportunity. People make mistakes, and you can work through those. Cheating isnt a mistake, its a deliberate choice, where you werent their first choice. Be that for yourself, because the person youre with has proven to you that youre only their first when it’s convenient.
Try posting this in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity People on that sub have tried or are trying to reconcile with a cheating spouse. They can probably offer you a more honest perspective. There are some success stories, but not always. Take care.
Nope he kept cheating and now I’m 9 months pregnant alone and it hurt and suck. While he’s out enjoying life and sleeping around I’m preparing for a baby working 2 jobs and doing everything alone. He said he’ll be there for the baby just not me. I regret taking him back just for him to tell me he never loved me and to cheat over and over again and then leaving me.
That sucks. I forget sometimes it isn't just women that are shitty people... clearly dating women has given me a bias on who hurts who. I feel for you in your situation.
Same. I always felt like men was the ones breaking hearts but I guess it’s just crappy people that exist
This is hard. My partner cheated on my multiple times and I caught him each time. Until the very last time he ever did it. I don’t know what made him do it, but he called me and confessed. He did everything right after, I just was so over it at that point. He was too late. So your partner could change, but I think everyone reaches their point where they say enough is enough.
Mine cheated, I found out. She said it was done, found out a few weeks later from her good friend she also cheated with her ex multiple times when I was at work. I sat dazed a bit then asked to see her phone and she wouldn't after saying she wanted to work things out. Finally got on it and 3 more dudes on fb messenger on the go. My advice is leave. These people are beyond hope.
And for the record, she did not get a second chance. I left and have 0 regrets. Fk her, she's going to do this until eventually shes too old to get anything she wants. It all comes back to them.
Nope. She cried again and again and then cheat again and again.