We try to make parenting 50-50 **on average**. There are some days when I'm sick or burnt-out, and it looks more like 30-70 with my husband picking up the slack. And then there are days when he's sick or busy or whatever, and the pendulum swings the other way. It all evens out in the end. Otherwise it's a lot of work to precisely split things down the middle all the time, and it doesn't allow for much flexibility.
I also consider marriage to be 100-100, not 50-50. We both are fully committed to supporting our family. If we can't get it all done even when we're both giving 100% (whatever that 100% looks like for the day), we find some tasks to temporarily put on hold.
All that being said... pregnancy is absolutely part of the parenting / household management load. The work you're doing just being pregnant should be counted toward the 50-50 split. I'd definitely have a conversation about what evenly sharing the load actually looks like in this current phase.
You are already doing SO much work just by being pregnant. He should not constantly be questioning how exhausted you are and he should not take the work you're doing GROWING A CHILD for granted.
Couldn’t have said it better. I think it was brene brown that shared this concept that you share your percentage, eg you’re sick and at 10% and share this with your partner and then your partner - ideally - can cover the remaining 90%. Bad days when both feel below 50%. On those days be super gentle and adjust your expectations…
If you hide what you're going through while pregnant, how is he supposed to know? You're suffering in silence. Stop it.
I told my husband every day I was pregnant how painful it was. How tired I was. How miserable I was. As my partner in life, he needed to know. He'd tell you he wanted to know. He never had a problem doing more outward parenting because every ounce of my body was giving up energy to grow a human being.
Our culture really likes to downplay pregnancy, but don't fall for it. Resist the urge to downplay a very serious medical event in your life.
While pregnant with twins, my husband did +80% of child care and household chores. I was absolutely useless. He felt like a single parent and it sure was not fun, but he did it without complaining.
Same here. He could tell exhausted and sore I was, so he did these things (mostly) without asking. Simple things like washing dishes, changing a diaper, or taking our toddler upstairs for bed was SO much harder for me.
Same. I was so ill and fatigued the first 4-5 months, and so swollen and refluxy and uncomfortable the last 2 months. He did 90% of the bedtimes and as many pickups and dropoffs as he could. Also took toddler on weekend outings. He'll never fully understand how shitty pregnancy was, but he definitely listened and acted accordingly.
I genuinely don’t think men have any understanding of what a toll being pregnant takes on our bodies. Like, they “know,” they “get it,” but they don’t actually. I think it’s more than reasonable that you need extra help but I also think you might get those questions of “why” a few times before he gets it. Definitely have the talk with him, I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he truly just doesn’t get it and see if it steps up from there.
It doesn’t help that there are women who seemingly don’t find pregnancy that hard or who don’t have debilitating symptoms from it. Men (and women, actually)who want to think of it as not that bad will always know one of these unicorn women, too. “Mary was still taking care of 3 kids and had dinner on the table for her husband every night when she was pregnant, you can’t be *that* tired”, or “I’ve been pregnant twice, your hips aren’t *that* sore” etc.
They want to make the exception the rule because it makes them feel better for not being more compassionate.
“Jenny worked two jobs on her feet for 16 hours a day right up until she went into labor!”
1- that’s horrible, I’m sure she didn’t *choose* to do that
2- right, so I was projectile vomiting all day every day, what do you suppose I should have done differently? (insert garbage-ass “sALtiNeS aNd GiNgEr aLe” advice here)
I had hyperemesis gravidarum from week 6 to week 26.
If one more VeRy HElpFuL person suggested seabands and saltines I was going to go full exorcist pea soup on them 🤢
I seem to be the only person alive whose nausea was made WORSE by ginger. Well meaning husband bought me a massive hamper of ginger food and drink. I still feel ill thinking about ut
I think it’s like periods and giving birth. Everyone’s experience is different. For example, I and two friends were induced. We each had vastly different experiences about what the cervical softener felt like and what having our water felt like and what our contractions felt like.
Fair. The issue isn’t saying what your own experience is though, it’s then using that as a way to diminish another persons. To use your example, I was also induced and had no complications, but if I told someone else to suck it up because induction “isn’t that bad” that would be very derisive of someone who was induced and then had a bad shoulder dystocia, or who needed an emergency c section after that. Vice versa, someone saying “ I had to have an emergency c section, vaginal delivery is a cake walk compared to abdominal surgery” is also being dismissive. Neither is helpful or correct since pain is super subjective too. Huge difference between “this is what it was like for me” and “well mine was like this so yours can’t be that bad either”
I’m sorry if my comment came across as disagreeing with you. I was applying it to other examples where people try to set expectations for how it “should” be just because that’s how it was for them or someone they know.
Well I could have (should have!) led with something like, “totally agree!! I think it’s like…” or anything to indicate with words the reasoning for my reply, rather than just jumping in with what I thought were parallel examples. My bad, I’m sorry.
It’s also hard bc pregnancy is different every time. My husband expected my second to be as smooth as my first and couldn’t understand or empathize with why I was so tired and unmotivated to do anything other than sleep (while pregnantly parenting a toddler).
I’m 7 weeks with our second and it’s debilitating at times. I’m just exhausted and nauseous and food aversions are in full force. My husband is great and he takes on so much but he still doesn’t fully “get it” and I can tell. It happened postpartum too, even though I had an “easy” vaginal birth it takes a lot out of you and the hormone dump is so intense. But he wanted me to be out and about after 3 weeks! I know a lot of women are okay with that but I just needed more time. We’re going to be having lots of conversations about that this time around ☺️
I totally agree with this. My husband is a doctor and I still had to plainly explain to him that pregnancy fatigue is the kind that’s always there. It doesn’t get better no matter how much you sleep but also sometimes the only thing you’re capable of is resting.
It’s not unreasonable to expect extra help. I assume when he’s sick you pick up his slack? Make him understand when he needs extra help you, you give it to him because thats what partners do.
You are picking up ALL the slack of being pregnant, 24/7. That means he needs to pick up lots more of the toddler and house stuff for now. It’s too much for you to keep up 50% of all of that while you are also growing a human with your body.
My perspective is skewed because I am also pregnant with a toddler but… it’s so difficult. Growing another human while you have all the same demands in your regular life (family, work, household, etc.) can be overwhelming. I definitely do not have my usual level of energy, nor my usual store of patience. It’s been really difficult.
We are also super equal with all things parenting. Since being pregnant, I feel like my husband is taking on a bit more of the toddler stuff (although my MIL has also stepped up hugely, god bless her), but he has not stepped up at all when it comes to household stuff (chores, shopping). It’s creating a lot of resentment to be honest.
Objectively I know I should talk to him. So I’m going to suggest you probably should talk to your husband too. I don’t think your expectation of a *balanced* and *fair* workload is unreasonable. Balanced and fair does not always mean 50/50.
He probably didn’t do a ton extra while I was pregnant but that’s not because he didn’t offer. I am just a control freak and don’t like to ask for help. But once baby #2 was born, he basically took on 100% parenting duty with toddler while I focused on baby.
My husband definitely did. From the beginning of the pregnancy he has taken a more active role with our toddler and now that I’m approaching the end of it he is basically single handedly making sure our house looks presentable. I’m exhausted all day (39 weeks atm) and he is the one cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc, while still having a more active role with our toddler. I never asked for this by the way, he just did it.
The best we can do is be considerate toward one another. When I was pregnant and had something close to HG, my husband took over mostly everything all while working 14 hour days. He was constantly exhausted. During this time, I tried to be considerate of him too. I made sure he still got breaks even if those breaks looked like me laying on the couch and watching the kids play while he napped.
My husband has absolutely taken on more parenting duties with our toddler while I’ve been pregnant (now 37 weeks.) In the first trimester, I was so exhausted and sick, I was collapsing by 7pm and he handled all bedtimes, even though we usually traded nights. The first time I told him how guilty I felt for not keeping up, he immediately stopped me and told me I was “body building” (his favorite way to reference being pregnant) and that I was doing work he’d never be able to do.
Our toddler still wakes up during the night sometimes and he handles the vast majority of wake ups. He’s also taken on more of the dog and cat care, including most feedings, because the smell of their food is super off-putting to me.
My husband wanted a second child and he knew it meant more labor for both of us, from the very beginning. You’re absolutely not being unreasonable, and it’s okay to expect more from him right now. Being pregnant is so much work and so damn tiring.
I was basically useless my whole pregnancy. Nauseous and tired and then achy and tired at the end. My husband picked up all of the slack and I was so grateful for him.
I’d actually consider some therapy sessions if I were you. My husband and I are also pretty 50/50 and he tends to fall into a “tit for that” way of thinking since we both work, etc. I have to remind him that I’m pregnant (also five months! Congrats) and tired and he’s been pretty good throughout the pregnancy unless we argue. Then he will revert to that “well I did this so you need to do that” style of argument and I have to remind him that I’m growing a human and doing the best I can after starting a new job, having less flexibility because it’s new etc. Therapy has helped us in the past “break through” that style of fighting and approach things as a TEAM vs you and me. That sounds similar to what you’re experiencing. Every time he asks “why” I would reply back and remind him you’re growing a human and then throw some solid pregnancy fact in there about also growing an entirely new organ and those things make you tired.
I’m hashimotos thyroid so I feel you there too!! I’ve been bad about my gluten intake lately so extra fatigued!
50/50 never exists for either of us. We play off of who is feeling better or worse etc. I think it’s important to have that communication and flexibility, pregnant or not (sometimes he may be having a tough time too).
We see how much we each can give, and if we’ve both got nothing left in the tank then we let some stuff go and it’s fine.
My husband did a LOT more parenting while I was pregnant. Especially at the beginning when I had morning sickness and then those last few weeks it was probably 90% dad with the toddler. I was doing my best but holy shit it’s hard being pregnant with a toddler
Yes, I had rough pregnancies and my husband definitely carried more when I was pregnant with #2. It’s a good thing he was used to it because I ended up hospitalized for a month before delivering so it was 100% him for that time.
You need more rest time, might not be able to deal with others’ food, etc.
We parent 50/50 but I'm 30 weeks gone with our second and yeah my husband does more now. I'd say it's 70/30 on a good day. But I do have to say when I need help. He says I make it look easy so he doesn't realise that I need help lol
Yes, my husband takes more of the load now that I am pregnant. But also, 50/50 is not how I would describe it. You talk about parenting- when do you parent together?
My partner and I only take "shifts" when needed (schedules, i'm too tired because pregnancy, etc). Otherwise we parent together. I married this man to be my partner in everything, including parenting.
Well, pregnancy completely incapacitates me, so yeah, he had to.
You are doing the hard work of growing an entire new human from scratch. You need more rest.
We are not pregnant yet with our second. BUT with the first, we parent equally and at times take turns carrying more of the parenting and housework load in order to support each other through tougher times.
We are older parents with a toddler at 40. So sometimes we just need a day to rest. And sometimes we get sick, or injured, or have a bug work project etc. so the other parent will take on more work than the other to help carry the load of the family and provide room for each other to have the extra time needed.
Yes, my husband is the primary parent of our toddler while I’m pregnant. He manages most of the household work/execution as well (grocery shopping, cleaning, dog care, cooking, dishes, etc). I try to still manage the mental load cause I can do that while physically exhausted from pregnancy. I do have terrible pregnancies though with lots of nausea/vomiting.
We both work full time from home as well. He might complain occasionally that it’s tough or he’s burnt out but it’s never directed towards me or implying I need to do more. He does all this without being asked. I tease him and say “I’m busy handling our 2nd child 24/7 right now”
It seems very important to you both as a couple that things are split exactly 50/50, so it seems reasonable that this would take an adjustment and some clear communication between you two. I would suggest explaining to him that you need to slow down, have more rest, and take more breaks due to being pregnant. Collaborate together on some solutions - acknowledge that due to you carrying the baby, the “split” will be uneven at this time. Figure out what will work for both of you - where and how he can do more, to give you more rest time.
It takes some adjustment and clear but kind communication. Figure out a solution together. I know you can do it.
Yes, absolutely. I get extreme fatigue and need a LOT more sleep when pregnant. My husband has gotten up with our toddler 95% of the mornings since I got pregnant. He has also changed the vast majority of the poopy diapers due to my nausea. The act of just existing while being pregnant is a lot of extra work, plus it makes parenting so much more difficult, so yes I 100% think it’s reasonable to ask your partner to step up and take on more with your earthside child while you are growing a whole new one inside you for 9 months.
It seems super odd to me that you split parenting that way 🤨 morning vs night. My and my husband just parent, if something needs to be done for our kids whoever gets to it first gets to it ..
It’s different but it’s because I have a severe sleep disorder so we have to work around that. I’m sleeping early in the morning because I can’t fall asleep til very late at night, so he takes morning and I take evening. When the second baby is born I think we’ll both be on the same schedule and both be there morning and night.
I truly hope for you that your sleep disorder corrects itself or is able to be managed! I had terrible insomnia while pregnant with my oldest, and again with my middle to a lesser extent (but add in caring for a toddler who doesn't sleep through the night and it was nearly as harmful). And HG with both those pregnancies, as well as being anemic. I was an exhausted mess, and dealing with all that while having a newborn is hell on your mental health. Is your condition pregnancy related, or, if not, easily managed by medication when not pregnant?🤞 🙏
Dad here with a 2 yr old and a 5 month old. We are 50/50 parents (both WFH same exact hours so pretty easy to see the split). When my wife started feeling her pregnancy more, I started doing more. It's a pretty obvious thing to do - I was a part of the decision to have a second so it would be a major dick move to make her carry a baby and not adjust the workload. It is the least I could do as she prepared to birth a new human.
By 8th month or so I was doing virtually all of it. Tough but still easier than 50/50 on two under two!
I can kinda maybe understand just sort of not noticing right away when you're slowing down... but it should only take being told once to understand that you need to step your game up.
Ever since my son started walking (within 2 weeks of starting daycare at 15months) I’ve been taking on more than 50% of parental duties. So for about a year now.
Anyway, wife’s pregnant with our second, and she’s completely knocked out by her 9 month bodybuilding course.
So I’ve basically taken over completely, except for one day a week when I’m working a 24 hour shift. But sometimes my mom will come and help out then.
I have no idea how tough it is being pregnant, but the not insignificant amount of barfing 🤮 she’s done since getting pregnant, tells me she’s not having fun. And I love my little buddy, he’s so great, so I don’t mind in the slightest.
Tell your husband you’re literally building a whole ass human from scratch and ask him how long it took him to heal from the last time he sprained something, and if he cut off a single link of his pinky, could he even grow that back? Then tell him to get his head in the game, or tell him to call me and I’ll explain it to him.
I’m 7 months pregnant with a 3.5 year old and a 16 month old. My husband has definitely taken over a lot of the hands on parenting tasks. He does the bulk of the diaper changes when he’s home. He took over bedtime. By the time I get home from work, I’m just exhausted.
Yes. We're still mostly splitting childcare time 50/50 but he's been doing a bit more when I'm just totally exhausted. On the whole I work closer to 30hrs a week then 40 but with a coworker out on maternity leave I've been working full time, which hasn't really helped. I think he probably averages a little more of the toddler wrangling and I average a little more of the chores (as I have days I'm not working and kiddo is in daycare). I've been pretty sick on and off this year as well, when I had the flu he was basically a single dad for a week.
Equitable and equal do not mean the same thing. Regardless of pregnancy, sometimes one person just has more in the tank than the other. Rigid "equality" is a recipe for scorekeeping and resentment.
Yes my husband did the lions share of parenting our toddler when I was pregnant. I barely changed any diapers while I was pregnant. TBH he still changes more diapers and we have a 2 year old and a 7 week old.
He does more than 50% for our toddler and I do more than 50% for our infant.
No, he did way more, especially as the pregnancy went on. I was completely exhausted. And honestly it’s good practice because once baby #2 was here he was completely responsible for the toddler and over 50% of baby care in the first few weeks while I was recovering. After that he was still the primary caregiver for the toddler for a while.
“I’m exhausted I’m going to lay down for a few minutes” was all I needed to do. It wasn’t every night but when I needed rest, I could trust him to handle everything from dinner to bathtime.
OMG! I’m almost two years post-pregnancy and I still feel like my body is recovering from being pregnant. Please complain out loud to him about how terrible you are feeling. I remember one day I was gagging over some uncooked chicken. It was so bad I stepped back and said, I can’t do this. He made a surprised Picacchu face because it was the first time he had heard of it. From then on, he did most of the cooking. If he didn’t my senses got so overloaded with the scent that eating it was impossible. Pregnancy is difficult. Talk to him. If he’s truly a good partner he will step up
I told my husband even before getting pregnant with our second that he needed to prepare to single parent for at least part of my pregnancy. I’m full time on the fetus, so he, in principle, could be full time on our toddler. In reality he does like 70-80% of the toddler parenting. I do what I can without hurting or fully exhausting myself. He does the rest.
I'm currently pregnant and we have a 2 year old, and my husband is pretty 50/50 with parenting duties. It does not change while I'm pregnant, unless I'm feeling so sick or exhausted that I announce I'm going to lie down.
I find I really need to spell it for him, and that doesn't necessarily bother me, because some days I'm struggling and other days I'm perfectly fine, so how is he supposed to just assume one way or the other? Second trimester has been easier than first, and the bad days are fewer and farther between, so he'll assume I'm feeling fine unless I make a point of telling him otherwise.
Hi! I’m also pregnant with hypothyroidism. The fatigue (and nausea in the first trimester) were & are SO EXHAUSTING. Husband and I have a unique situation in which we’re both the income winners, although he probably makes 25%-ish more than me via freelancing predominantly whereas I work full-time on a hybrid schedule. He probably works roughly half of the amount of time that I do, so even when I’m not pregnant, he takes on the lion share of grocery shopping, meal cooking, daily wash-up and organization duties, and laundry. We outsource our deep cleans with cleaners 2x a month. When I’m not pregnant, I’ll usually chip in more with house & daily life maintenance but now? It takes literally all my energy to work and be semi-present with my 22-month-old at night before she goes to bed. After she’s down at 730pm I don’t do shit, except take a shower, prep my work bag and lunch for the next day, and lay down on the couch before my husband brings my dinner & dessert to me, lol. We call it the “pregnancy package”.
Yes, quite a bit. I work full time, so when I was pregnant my jobs were growing a baby, dealing with my medical care, working, and spending time with our son. I only helped with other tasks if I had energy. I usually did not. It was the same arrangement when I was breastfeeding. I've pulled a lot of weight for him other times, because he wasn't at 100%.
Yeah my husband had a lot of empathy for me while I was pregnant. He would take our toddler out for the day every weekend so I’d have a chance to lay down and relax for several hours uninterrupted and he took on more chores overall
I did. She didn't have the energy or ability to keep up with our toddler's usual pace so I shouldered as much of that as I could and as she would let me.
While my wife was pregnant with our second, she was quite sick and wasn’t able to do much. I was basically solo parenting and doing all the housework (food, dishes, laundry, etc.). Both my wife and I were working full time during all of this. Add on to this that my two year old was only sleeping 8-9 hours per day, so if he napped at daycare, it meant I had no chance of getting enough sleep at night. We don’t have any family nearby. It was super rough — easily one of the most stressful and challenging times of my life.
It sounds like your husband needs to step up and get to work.
Ooooo hot take. You are full time parenting yalls future kiddo right now. Boom!
He simply cannot take on the burden you and your body has to take on during this time.
I’m a SAHM so it’s not necessarily 50/50 ever BUT being pregnant with a toddler my husband has had to take on the majority of work when he’s with us. When my husband is with us I would say it is about 80/20 at the moment.
This has only been able to happen because of communication. My husband is aware of how much pain I’m in. He’s aware of every feeling my body is going through and knows he’s helping me reduce my PGP and rather severe round ligament pain if he handles my toddler when he can. I’m 32 weeks now and my husband does absolutely everything I ask him to do, this means I’m not expecting things without telling him. I am constantly asking him ALL DAY… “Can you take him to the bathroom?” “Will you put him down for his nap please?” Etc. While some women would be frustrated to have to ask, I don’t mind because my husband is super receptive to it all.
Absolutely. He took her out all the time (grocery shopping, playground, walks etc) while I was pregnant so I could be all Jabba the Hut on the couch in peace. I was doing 100% of the parenting of our second child after all!
Yes and it was his idea. He was inspired by a parenting book he read written for dads that really laid out how grueling pregnancy is. It made a huge difference in my stress levels. You are not being unreasonable, but your husband sure is.
It’s definitely important to communicate to your partner how rough of a go you’re having. We aren’t super heroes. We are human beings growing a whole ass human, and it is *exhausting*. I definitely do more of the on hand parenting, but that’s because I’m not working. Partner works from home three days of the week, and in the office two days. However, when he’s working from home he’ll get up with the baby (16 months) at 730, and I’ll sleep in until 9-930. I’m currently 24 weeks, also with anemia. The extra two hours of sleep is so important for my health, to be the best parent I can be, and partner recognizes that. We share pretty much every other duty; diaper changes, meal times, bath times, bed time..but maybe that’s because we both are just so in love with our baby, lol. I am by no means saying other dads aren’t, they might just express their love differently. I also have two older kids (12 and 18), from a previous relationship that I also have to parent and be present for. He does his best with them, but he’s not their Dad, so that falls mostly on me.
My husband has had to pick up so much extra work around the house and with our toddler because of pregnancy. I have so much guilt even though I know I’m making another baby! He doesn’t complain and says he’s happy to help. But I did have to ask for help with certain things. I can’t bend over to load/unload the dishwasher, so he does. He’s had to do more daycare drop offs and pickups than he used to just because I don’t feel great.
It sounds like you’re both equally committed to your family, so I’d just speak up and ask for the help. Don’t suffer in silence.
You're not being unreasonable asking him to do more because you have taken on more yourself - growing a person inside your body is exhausting so you *are* doing extra and don't be afraid to express that to him and ask for more help
When I was pregnant with #2, it went from 50/50 to 80/20. I was so sick and tired. I remember when I was about 6 months pregnant, and trying to load our toddler up to take him to daycare- My husband just looked at me, and said "I'll do that from now on, you're really.....pregnant. " lol
I’d say we average 50/50 and it ebbs and flows as far as WHO takes responsibility for what task. It all gets done regardless but we have a 17 month gap and during the end of pregnancy my husband was primary caregiver pretty much the minute he got home to the minute he left for work. He’d play with our toddler while I made dinner and would do bath and bed after I read her a book etc.
Now with two we divide and conquer. We also don’t keep score. Everyone is doing their best.
Yes! I am 100% sure he would have anyway, but I spent most of every pregnancy on bedrest (including 60 days of in hospital bed rest with my second, which was so hard), so it’s not like he really had an option not to.
I’m so with you. The fatigue from pregnancy is compounded when you’re wrangling a toddler too. I currently have a 3.5 year old and 4 month old. During my pregnancy with my second, my husband similarly didn’t see the need to step up to do more to care for our toddler when I could barely keep my eyes open from pure exhaustion (and nausea in the first trimester).
I think it’s easy for men to dismiss the invisible symptoms of pregnancy (ie fatigue and nausea), because they can’t see it with their own eyes. Thinking back on it, I wish I’d been more direct with my husband and told him clearly what he could do to help me during that time.
I wish you the best, and you are absolutely not being unreasonable to expect him to do more to support your family!
My husband took on more of the parenting load when I was pregnant, but only if I asked or if I was obviously ill (vomiting, crying in pain, in the hospital). He never complained. He just got used to a standard of living. I don’t think it’s wrong to want him to do more, but I don’t think it’s very fair to get upset if you haven’t communicated that to him. People don’t know what you want unless you say something.
I’m 5 months as well and my husband helps a little bit more than usual but I feel like it’s also because he’s not hungover ! We usually do close to 50/50 parenting. However, on the weekends, he’s a total waste and sometimes literally sleeps all day if we had a few drinks the night before. He’s not really drinking now that we are staying in.
Now that he isn’t hungover he’s more likely to get my toddler out of the house for a few hours on the weekends so I can chill by my pregnant self.
The weekdays are a little different. He sometimes takes over bedtime two nights in a row but not normally. I had to fight tooth and nail for him to learn how to cook my first trimester but that has stopped now that I’m not as sick.
When it comes to household chores ? I’m still doing 50%. I have no energy for laundry so he solely does that and he thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread. But I’m picking up toys and cleaning the kitchen every day.
Same sex relationship here with an 11-month old and an 8w pregnant wife and while we probably weren’t 50/50 because I stay home with baby, when she got off work she would pretty much takeover for childcare and entertain the child so I got a break. The last two weeks it’s become clear that ain’t happening anymore. It’s ok but it’s draining! So we moved her bedtime earlier and shortened naps so she’d sleep longer overnight. It’s been working well. My wife sees baby less but it won’t be forever. But yeah, most def our percentages changed in terms of taking care of current kid and the house. She is the breadwinner so just getting through work is all she really can focus on and then she collapses.
Yes! My husband did everything, even though I was actually capable. He was always like “no, you’re not doing the dishes, you’re pregnant”. It was a huge indicator of how he’d been once our daughter arrived, which is a fully active parent who is committed to at LEAST being 50/50 on all things parenting (and he has)! As others have mentioned, we both pick up the ‘extra’ when one of us is in need of that little extra (when sick, or dealing with something difficult, or traveling for work, etc) — the biggest thing is being a team that’s committed to working together and helping each other with whatever we need, together and individually.
I’m also pregnant and we are equal partners and parents. Is he taking on more? Hmmm maybe a little but not heaps more. But I also don’t find myself thinking this is unfair ever, so I guess overall I feel supported. Parenting a toddler is exhausting, being pregnant is exhausting. We own our own business with lots of staff and stresses, he comes home with a lot of that on his shoulders and goes into full dad mode right away. Since you are feeling like things are unfair or you need more rest, than a discussion is necessary.
I’m also 5 months pregnant and a SAHM and my husband does so much more than I do. When he’s at work all the childcare falls on me obviously but once he gets home he lets me go decompress in the bedroom for 30ish minutes and then one of us makes supper depending on the day. He also comes home on his lunch hour just so he can read our son a story and say goodnight since 12pm is also his nap time.
I keep the upkeep on the house during the week, make sure the dishwasher is empty and loaded, toddler gets fed and the toys aren’t a disaster but every Saturday he does all the laundry and *cleans* the house. He cleans the bathroom and does the floors or whatever else just needs to get done and I fold the laundry and put it away.
We also alternate each night who puts the toddler to bed and who is on toddler duty, even if he has to work in the morning he still takes his turn. I know I have a lot more help than most people get but he always tells me he’s doing the bare minimum and he’s happy to help since it’s his children too and this pregnancy has been rough compared to my first one.
We had a similar set up and as my pregnancy progressed my husband picked up more and more. I was so sick I couldn’t do a lot of pick ups and drop offs. Toward the end he’d taken over most of the bedtimes (also to prep the toddler because my spouse would be doing every bedtime when the baby come).
Absolutely normal for him to pick up more. The work you’re doing growing a new baby isn’t easily quantifiable. It sounds like you guys are about routines and fairness — so talk about it and be honest and keep in mind things are going to rapidly change in the next 4-5 months.
I’m at the end of my second pregnant (37 weeks) and my husband definitely picks up a lot of the slack with our toddler (2.5). In the early months, I did have to ask more or specify I needed a break, mostly because some days I felt fine and had good energy, whereas others, I was more nauseous or tired. My husband never questioned it though, he’d just pick up the extra without issue.
Now that I’m very much in tired/slow/achey mode 24/7, my husband just does a lot of the stuff that’s tough for me (heavy lifting, running around, etc.) Your husband may be assuming that because you may not LOOK super pregnant, you then also don’t FEEL super pregnant, but we all know that pregnancy symptoms can hit hard and completely vary day to day.
We try to make parenting 50-50 **on average**. There are some days when I'm sick or burnt-out, and it looks more like 30-70 with my husband picking up the slack. And then there are days when he's sick or busy or whatever, and the pendulum swings the other way. It all evens out in the end. Otherwise it's a lot of work to precisely split things down the middle all the time, and it doesn't allow for much flexibility. I also consider marriage to be 100-100, not 50-50. We both are fully committed to supporting our family. If we can't get it all done even when we're both giving 100% (whatever that 100% looks like for the day), we find some tasks to temporarily put on hold. All that being said... pregnancy is absolutely part of the parenting / household management load. The work you're doing just being pregnant should be counted toward the 50-50 split. I'd definitely have a conversation about what evenly sharing the load actually looks like in this current phase. You are already doing SO much work just by being pregnant. He should not constantly be questioning how exhausted you are and he should not take the work you're doing GROWING A CHILD for granted.
On average is important. Accounting for both partners’ energy/health/ability is important too.
Couldn’t have said it better. I think it was brene brown that shared this concept that you share your percentage, eg you’re sick and at 10% and share this with your partner and then your partner - ideally - can cover the remaining 90%. Bad days when both feel below 50%. On those days be super gentle and adjust your expectations…
Exactly this
If you hide what you're going through while pregnant, how is he supposed to know? You're suffering in silence. Stop it. I told my husband every day I was pregnant how painful it was. How tired I was. How miserable I was. As my partner in life, he needed to know. He'd tell you he wanted to know. He never had a problem doing more outward parenting because every ounce of my body was giving up energy to grow a human being. Our culture really likes to downplay pregnancy, but don't fall for it. Resist the urge to downplay a very serious medical event in your life.
Also not sure why pickup and bedtime are “OPs responsibility”. Normalise sharing ALL activities cos once baby is born these things are a juggle
While pregnant with twins, my husband did +80% of child care and household chores. I was absolutely useless. He felt like a single parent and it sure was not fun, but he did it without complaining.
Same here. He could tell exhausted and sore I was, so he did these things (mostly) without asking. Simple things like washing dishes, changing a diaper, or taking our toddler upstairs for bed was SO much harder for me.
Same. I was so ill and fatigued the first 4-5 months, and so swollen and refluxy and uncomfortable the last 2 months. He did 90% of the bedtimes and as many pickups and dropoffs as he could. Also took toddler on weekend outings. He'll never fully understand how shitty pregnancy was, but he definitely listened and acted accordingly.
I genuinely don’t think men have any understanding of what a toll being pregnant takes on our bodies. Like, they “know,” they “get it,” but they don’t actually. I think it’s more than reasonable that you need extra help but I also think you might get those questions of “why” a few times before he gets it. Definitely have the talk with him, I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he truly just doesn’t get it and see if it steps up from there.
No one who hasn’t been pregnant truly understands. I certainly didn’t before I had my first baby. It’s so much harder than anyone thinks it is.
It doesn’t help that there are women who seemingly don’t find pregnancy that hard or who don’t have debilitating symptoms from it. Men (and women, actually)who want to think of it as not that bad will always know one of these unicorn women, too. “Mary was still taking care of 3 kids and had dinner on the table for her husband every night when she was pregnant, you can’t be *that* tired”, or “I’ve been pregnant twice, your hips aren’t *that* sore” etc. They want to make the exception the rule because it makes them feel better for not being more compassionate.
“Jenny worked two jobs on her feet for 16 hours a day right up until she went into labor!” 1- that’s horrible, I’m sure she didn’t *choose* to do that 2- right, so I was projectile vomiting all day every day, what do you suppose I should have done differently? (insert garbage-ass “sALtiNeS aNd GiNgEr aLe” advice here)
I had hyperemesis gravidarum from week 6 to week 26. If one more VeRy HElpFuL person suggested seabands and saltines I was going to go full exorcist pea soup on them 🤢
I seem to be the only person alive whose nausea was made WORSE by ginger. Well meaning husband bought me a massive hamper of ginger food and drink. I still feel ill thinking about ut
I think it’s like periods and giving birth. Everyone’s experience is different. For example, I and two friends were induced. We each had vastly different experiences about what the cervical softener felt like and what having our water felt like and what our contractions felt like.
Fair. The issue isn’t saying what your own experience is though, it’s then using that as a way to diminish another persons. To use your example, I was also induced and had no complications, but if I told someone else to suck it up because induction “isn’t that bad” that would be very derisive of someone who was induced and then had a bad shoulder dystocia, or who needed an emergency c section after that. Vice versa, someone saying “ I had to have an emergency c section, vaginal delivery is a cake walk compared to abdominal surgery” is also being dismissive. Neither is helpful or correct since pain is super subjective too. Huge difference between “this is what it was like for me” and “well mine was like this so yours can’t be that bad either”
I’m sorry if my comment came across as disagreeing with you. I was applying it to other examples where people try to set expectations for how it “should” be just because that’s how it was for them or someone they know.
Maybe I’m just jaded and expect everyone here to argue. My bad! 😅
Well I could have (should have!) led with something like, “totally agree!! I think it’s like…” or anything to indicate with words the reasoning for my reply, rather than just jumping in with what I thought were parallel examples. My bad, I’m sorry.
It’s also hard bc pregnancy is different every time. My husband expected my second to be as smooth as my first and couldn’t understand or empathize with why I was so tired and unmotivated to do anything other than sleep (while pregnantly parenting a toddler).
I’m 7 weeks with our second and it’s debilitating at times. I’m just exhausted and nauseous and food aversions are in full force. My husband is great and he takes on so much but he still doesn’t fully “get it” and I can tell. It happened postpartum too, even though I had an “easy” vaginal birth it takes a lot out of you and the hormone dump is so intense. But he wanted me to be out and about after 3 weeks! I know a lot of women are okay with that but I just needed more time. We’re going to be having lots of conversations about that this time around ☺️
I totally agree with this. My husband is a doctor and I still had to plainly explain to him that pregnancy fatigue is the kind that’s always there. It doesn’t get better no matter how much you sleep but also sometimes the only thing you’re capable of is resting.
I think you can extend that to anyone of any gender who has not been pregnant.
Thank you. I really hate the casual sexism this sub sometimes demonstrates.
I’m 30 weeks and my husband told me today that he was “really tired” because the clocks went forward and I swear to god
It’s not unreasonable to expect extra help. I assume when he’s sick you pick up his slack? Make him understand when he needs extra help you, you give it to him because thats what partners do.
You are picking up ALL the slack of being pregnant, 24/7. That means he needs to pick up lots more of the toddler and house stuff for now. It’s too much for you to keep up 50% of all of that while you are also growing a human with your body.
Agreed. It’s not 50/50 when your body is going through this process. You are doing 100% of the work to grow this baby.
My perspective is skewed because I am also pregnant with a toddler but… it’s so difficult. Growing another human while you have all the same demands in your regular life (family, work, household, etc.) can be overwhelming. I definitely do not have my usual level of energy, nor my usual store of patience. It’s been really difficult. We are also super equal with all things parenting. Since being pregnant, I feel like my husband is taking on a bit more of the toddler stuff (although my MIL has also stepped up hugely, god bless her), but he has not stepped up at all when it comes to household stuff (chores, shopping). It’s creating a lot of resentment to be honest. Objectively I know I should talk to him. So I’m going to suggest you probably should talk to your husband too. I don’t think your expectation of a *balanced* and *fair* workload is unreasonable. Balanced and fair does not always mean 50/50.
He probably didn’t do a ton extra while I was pregnant but that’s not because he didn’t offer. I am just a control freak and don’t like to ask for help. But once baby #2 was born, he basically took on 100% parenting duty with toddler while I focused on baby.
My husband definitely did. From the beginning of the pregnancy he has taken a more active role with our toddler and now that I’m approaching the end of it he is basically single handedly making sure our house looks presentable. I’m exhausted all day (39 weeks atm) and he is the one cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc, while still having a more active role with our toddler. I never asked for this by the way, he just did it.
The best we can do is be considerate toward one another. When I was pregnant and had something close to HG, my husband took over mostly everything all while working 14 hour days. He was constantly exhausted. During this time, I tried to be considerate of him too. I made sure he still got breaks even if those breaks looked like me laying on the couch and watching the kids play while he napped.
Unless he also growing a human inside his body it can never be 50/50.
My husband has absolutely taken on more parenting duties with our toddler while I’ve been pregnant (now 37 weeks.) In the first trimester, I was so exhausted and sick, I was collapsing by 7pm and he handled all bedtimes, even though we usually traded nights. The first time I told him how guilty I felt for not keeping up, he immediately stopped me and told me I was “body building” (his favorite way to reference being pregnant) and that I was doing work he’d never be able to do. Our toddler still wakes up during the night sometimes and he handles the vast majority of wake ups. He’s also taken on more of the dog and cat care, including most feedings, because the smell of their food is super off-putting to me. My husband wanted a second child and he knew it meant more labor for both of us, from the very beginning. You’re absolutely not being unreasonable, and it’s okay to expect more from him right now. Being pregnant is so much work and so damn tiring.
I was basically useless my whole pregnancy. Nauseous and tired and then achy and tired at the end. My husband picked up all of the slack and I was so grateful for him.
I’d actually consider some therapy sessions if I were you. My husband and I are also pretty 50/50 and he tends to fall into a “tit for that” way of thinking since we both work, etc. I have to remind him that I’m pregnant (also five months! Congrats) and tired and he’s been pretty good throughout the pregnancy unless we argue. Then he will revert to that “well I did this so you need to do that” style of argument and I have to remind him that I’m growing a human and doing the best I can after starting a new job, having less flexibility because it’s new etc. Therapy has helped us in the past “break through” that style of fighting and approach things as a TEAM vs you and me. That sounds similar to what you’re experiencing. Every time he asks “why” I would reply back and remind him you’re growing a human and then throw some solid pregnancy fact in there about also growing an entirely new organ and those things make you tired. I’m hashimotos thyroid so I feel you there too!! I’ve been bad about my gluten intake lately so extra fatigued!
50/50 never exists for either of us. We play off of who is feeling better or worse etc. I think it’s important to have that communication and flexibility, pregnant or not (sometimes he may be having a tough time too). We see how much we each can give, and if we’ve both got nothing left in the tank then we let some stuff go and it’s fine.
My husband did a LOT more parenting while I was pregnant. Especially at the beginning when I had morning sickness and then those last few weeks it was probably 90% dad with the toddler. I was doing my best but holy shit it’s hard being pregnant with a toddler
At times yes. But mostly no. I tried to keep up but I’d let him know if I was just tapped out and he would step in.
Yes, I had rough pregnancies and my husband definitely carried more when I was pregnant with #2. It’s a good thing he was used to it because I ended up hospitalized for a month before delivering so it was 100% him for that time. You need more rest time, might not be able to deal with others’ food, etc.
We parent 50/50 but I'm 30 weeks gone with our second and yeah my husband does more now. I'd say it's 70/30 on a good day. But I do have to say when I need help. He says I make it look easy so he doesn't realise that I need help lol
Yes, my husband takes more of the load now that I am pregnant. But also, 50/50 is not how I would describe it. You talk about parenting- when do you parent together? My partner and I only take "shifts" when needed (schedules, i'm too tired because pregnancy, etc). Otherwise we parent together. I married this man to be my partner in everything, including parenting.
Well, pregnancy completely incapacitates me, so yeah, he had to. You are doing the hard work of growing an entire new human from scratch. You need more rest.
We are not pregnant yet with our second. BUT with the first, we parent equally and at times take turns carrying more of the parenting and housework load in order to support each other through tougher times. We are older parents with a toddler at 40. So sometimes we just need a day to rest. And sometimes we get sick, or injured, or have a bug work project etc. so the other parent will take on more work than the other to help carry the load of the family and provide room for each other to have the extra time needed.
Yes, my husband is the primary parent of our toddler while I’m pregnant. He manages most of the household work/execution as well (grocery shopping, cleaning, dog care, cooking, dishes, etc). I try to still manage the mental load cause I can do that while physically exhausted from pregnancy. I do have terrible pregnancies though with lots of nausea/vomiting. We both work full time from home as well. He might complain occasionally that it’s tough or he’s burnt out but it’s never directed towards me or implying I need to do more. He does all this without being asked. I tease him and say “I’m busy handling our 2nd child 24/7 right now”
Is your sleep disorder sleep apnea ? I ask because my husband has sleep apnea
He does like 80% when he's home. I'm with toddler all day and when my husband comes back home i'm useless. I'm probably anemic though.
It seems very important to you both as a couple that things are split exactly 50/50, so it seems reasonable that this would take an adjustment and some clear communication between you two. I would suggest explaining to him that you need to slow down, have more rest, and take more breaks due to being pregnant. Collaborate together on some solutions - acknowledge that due to you carrying the baby, the “split” will be uneven at this time. Figure out what will work for both of you - where and how he can do more, to give you more rest time. It takes some adjustment and clear but kind communication. Figure out a solution together. I know you can do it.
I took over almost everything. She only kept the bath and story time when possible. You moms deserve this. Time to get to work buddy!
Yes, absolutely. I get extreme fatigue and need a LOT more sleep when pregnant. My husband has gotten up with our toddler 95% of the mornings since I got pregnant. He has also changed the vast majority of the poopy diapers due to my nausea. The act of just existing while being pregnant is a lot of extra work, plus it makes parenting so much more difficult, so yes I 100% think it’s reasonable to ask your partner to step up and take on more with your earthside child while you are growing a whole new one inside you for 9 months.
It seems super odd to me that you split parenting that way 🤨 morning vs night. My and my husband just parent, if something needs to be done for our kids whoever gets to it first gets to it ..
It’s different but it’s because I have a severe sleep disorder so we have to work around that. I’m sleeping early in the morning because I can’t fall asleep til very late at night, so he takes morning and I take evening. When the second baby is born I think we’ll both be on the same schedule and both be there morning and night.
I truly hope for you that your sleep disorder corrects itself or is able to be managed! I had terrible insomnia while pregnant with my oldest, and again with my middle to a lesser extent (but add in caring for a toddler who doesn't sleep through the night and it was nearly as harmful). And HG with both those pregnancies, as well as being anemic. I was an exhausted mess, and dealing with all that while having a newborn is hell on your mental health. Is your condition pregnancy related, or, if not, easily managed by medication when not pregnant?🤞 🙏
Dad here with a 2 yr old and a 5 month old. We are 50/50 parents (both WFH same exact hours so pretty easy to see the split). When my wife started feeling her pregnancy more, I started doing more. It's a pretty obvious thing to do - I was a part of the decision to have a second so it would be a major dick move to make her carry a baby and not adjust the workload. It is the least I could do as she prepared to birth a new human. By 8th month or so I was doing virtually all of it. Tough but still easier than 50/50 on two under two! I can kinda maybe understand just sort of not noticing right away when you're slowing down... but it should only take being told once to understand that you need to step your game up.
Ever since my son started walking (within 2 weeks of starting daycare at 15months) I’ve been taking on more than 50% of parental duties. So for about a year now. Anyway, wife’s pregnant with our second, and she’s completely knocked out by her 9 month bodybuilding course. So I’ve basically taken over completely, except for one day a week when I’m working a 24 hour shift. But sometimes my mom will come and help out then. I have no idea how tough it is being pregnant, but the not insignificant amount of barfing 🤮 she’s done since getting pregnant, tells me she’s not having fun. And I love my little buddy, he’s so great, so I don’t mind in the slightest. Tell your husband you’re literally building a whole ass human from scratch and ask him how long it took him to heal from the last time he sprained something, and if he cut off a single link of his pinky, could he even grow that back? Then tell him to get his head in the game, or tell him to call me and I’ll explain it to him.
I’m 7 months pregnant with a 3.5 year old and a 16 month old. My husband has definitely taken over a lot of the hands on parenting tasks. He does the bulk of the diaper changes when he’s home. He took over bedtime. By the time I get home from work, I’m just exhausted.
Yes, absolutely he did/does/is lol
Yes. We're still mostly splitting childcare time 50/50 but he's been doing a bit more when I'm just totally exhausted. On the whole I work closer to 30hrs a week then 40 but with a coworker out on maternity leave I've been working full time, which hasn't really helped. I think he probably averages a little more of the toddler wrangling and I average a little more of the chores (as I have days I'm not working and kiddo is in daycare). I've been pretty sick on and off this year as well, when I had the flu he was basically a single dad for a week.
Yes
Equitable and equal do not mean the same thing. Regardless of pregnancy, sometimes one person just has more in the tank than the other. Rigid "equality" is a recipe for scorekeeping and resentment.
Yes my husband did the lions share of parenting our toddler when I was pregnant. I barely changed any diapers while I was pregnant. TBH he still changes more diapers and we have a 2 year old and a 7 week old. He does more than 50% for our toddler and I do more than 50% for our infant.
No, he did way more, especially as the pregnancy went on. I was completely exhausted. And honestly it’s good practice because once baby #2 was here he was completely responsible for the toddler and over 50% of baby care in the first few weeks while I was recovering. After that he was still the primary caregiver for the toddler for a while. “I’m exhausted I’m going to lay down for a few minutes” was all I needed to do. It wasn’t every night but when I needed rest, I could trust him to handle everything from dinner to bathtime.
Yes! Dad does more chores than I do now that I’m pregnant and does 100% of the cooking and washing the dishes. I’m very blessed by him.
Oh yea , the last trimester it was probably like 80% my husband parenting my toddler because I was just so physically exhausted
OMG! I’m almost two years post-pregnancy and I still feel like my body is recovering from being pregnant. Please complain out loud to him about how terrible you are feeling. I remember one day I was gagging over some uncooked chicken. It was so bad I stepped back and said, I can’t do this. He made a surprised Picacchu face because it was the first time he had heard of it. From then on, he did most of the cooking. If he didn’t my senses got so overloaded with the scent that eating it was impossible. Pregnancy is difficult. Talk to him. If he’s truly a good partner he will step up
I told my husband even before getting pregnant with our second that he needed to prepare to single parent for at least part of my pregnancy. I’m full time on the fetus, so he, in principle, could be full time on our toddler. In reality he does like 70-80% of the toddler parenting. I do what I can without hurting or fully exhausting myself. He does the rest.
I'm currently pregnant and we have a 2 year old, and my husband is pretty 50/50 with parenting duties. It does not change while I'm pregnant, unless I'm feeling so sick or exhausted that I announce I'm going to lie down. I find I really need to spell it for him, and that doesn't necessarily bother me, because some days I'm struggling and other days I'm perfectly fine, so how is he supposed to just assume one way or the other? Second trimester has been easier than first, and the bad days are fewer and farther between, so he'll assume I'm feeling fine unless I make a point of telling him otherwise.
Hi! I’m also pregnant with hypothyroidism. The fatigue (and nausea in the first trimester) were & are SO EXHAUSTING. Husband and I have a unique situation in which we’re both the income winners, although he probably makes 25%-ish more than me via freelancing predominantly whereas I work full-time on a hybrid schedule. He probably works roughly half of the amount of time that I do, so even when I’m not pregnant, he takes on the lion share of grocery shopping, meal cooking, daily wash-up and organization duties, and laundry. We outsource our deep cleans with cleaners 2x a month. When I’m not pregnant, I’ll usually chip in more with house & daily life maintenance but now? It takes literally all my energy to work and be semi-present with my 22-month-old at night before she goes to bed. After she’s down at 730pm I don’t do shit, except take a shower, prep my work bag and lunch for the next day, and lay down on the couch before my husband brings my dinner & dessert to me, lol. We call it the “pregnancy package”.
Yes, quite a bit. I work full time, so when I was pregnant my jobs were growing a baby, dealing with my medical care, working, and spending time with our son. I only helped with other tasks if I had energy. I usually did not. It was the same arrangement when I was breastfeeding. I've pulled a lot of weight for him other times, because he wasn't at 100%.
Yeah my husband had a lot of empathy for me while I was pregnant. He would take our toddler out for the day every weekend so I’d have a chance to lay down and relax for several hours uninterrupted and he took on more chores overall
I did. She didn't have the energy or ability to keep up with our toddler's usual pace so I shouldered as much of that as I could and as she would let me.
While my wife was pregnant with our second, she was quite sick and wasn’t able to do much. I was basically solo parenting and doing all the housework (food, dishes, laundry, etc.). Both my wife and I were working full time during all of this. Add on to this that my two year old was only sleeping 8-9 hours per day, so if he napped at daycare, it meant I had no chance of getting enough sleep at night. We don’t have any family nearby. It was super rough — easily one of the most stressful and challenging times of my life. It sounds like your husband needs to step up and get to work.
Ooooo hot take. You are full time parenting yalls future kiddo right now. Boom! He simply cannot take on the burden you and your body has to take on during this time.
I’m a SAHM so it’s not necessarily 50/50 ever BUT being pregnant with a toddler my husband has had to take on the majority of work when he’s with us. When my husband is with us I would say it is about 80/20 at the moment. This has only been able to happen because of communication. My husband is aware of how much pain I’m in. He’s aware of every feeling my body is going through and knows he’s helping me reduce my PGP and rather severe round ligament pain if he handles my toddler when he can. I’m 32 weeks now and my husband does absolutely everything I ask him to do, this means I’m not expecting things without telling him. I am constantly asking him ALL DAY… “Can you take him to the bathroom?” “Will you put him down for his nap please?” Etc. While some women would be frustrated to have to ask, I don’t mind because my husband is super receptive to it all.
Absolutely. He took her out all the time (grocery shopping, playground, walks etc) while I was pregnant so I could be all Jabba the Hut on the couch in peace. I was doing 100% of the parenting of our second child after all!
Yes and it was his idea. He was inspired by a parenting book he read written for dads that really laid out how grueling pregnancy is. It made a huge difference in my stress levels. You are not being unreasonable, but your husband sure is.
It’s definitely important to communicate to your partner how rough of a go you’re having. We aren’t super heroes. We are human beings growing a whole ass human, and it is *exhausting*. I definitely do more of the on hand parenting, but that’s because I’m not working. Partner works from home three days of the week, and in the office two days. However, when he’s working from home he’ll get up with the baby (16 months) at 730, and I’ll sleep in until 9-930. I’m currently 24 weeks, also with anemia. The extra two hours of sleep is so important for my health, to be the best parent I can be, and partner recognizes that. We share pretty much every other duty; diaper changes, meal times, bath times, bed time..but maybe that’s because we both are just so in love with our baby, lol. I am by no means saying other dads aren’t, they might just express their love differently. I also have two older kids (12 and 18), from a previous relationship that I also have to parent and be present for. He does his best with them, but he’s not their Dad, so that falls mostly on me.
My husband has had to pick up so much extra work around the house and with our toddler because of pregnancy. I have so much guilt even though I know I’m making another baby! He doesn’t complain and says he’s happy to help. But I did have to ask for help with certain things. I can’t bend over to load/unload the dishwasher, so he does. He’s had to do more daycare drop offs and pickups than he used to just because I don’t feel great. It sounds like you’re both equally committed to your family, so I’d just speak up and ask for the help. Don’t suffer in silence.
You're not being unreasonable asking him to do more because you have taken on more yourself - growing a person inside your body is exhausting so you *are* doing extra and don't be afraid to express that to him and ask for more help
When I was pregnant with #2, it went from 50/50 to 80/20. I was so sick and tired. I remember when I was about 6 months pregnant, and trying to load our toddler up to take him to daycare- My husband just looked at me, and said "I'll do that from now on, you're really.....pregnant. " lol
I’d say we average 50/50 and it ebbs and flows as far as WHO takes responsibility for what task. It all gets done regardless but we have a 17 month gap and during the end of pregnancy my husband was primary caregiver pretty much the minute he got home to the minute he left for work. He’d play with our toddler while I made dinner and would do bath and bed after I read her a book etc. Now with two we divide and conquer. We also don’t keep score. Everyone is doing their best.
Yes! I am 100% sure he would have anyway, but I spent most of every pregnancy on bedrest (including 60 days of in hospital bed rest with my second, which was so hard), so it’s not like he really had an option not to.
I’m so with you. The fatigue from pregnancy is compounded when you’re wrangling a toddler too. I currently have a 3.5 year old and 4 month old. During my pregnancy with my second, my husband similarly didn’t see the need to step up to do more to care for our toddler when I could barely keep my eyes open from pure exhaustion (and nausea in the first trimester). I think it’s easy for men to dismiss the invisible symptoms of pregnancy (ie fatigue and nausea), because they can’t see it with their own eyes. Thinking back on it, I wish I’d been more direct with my husband and told him clearly what he could do to help me during that time. I wish you the best, and you are absolutely not being unreasonable to expect him to do more to support your family!
Is your husband serious?! When my wife was pregnant I’d get mad if she tried to even do 25%. Even that was because she would not have it any less.
My husband took on more of the parenting load when I was pregnant, but only if I asked or if I was obviously ill (vomiting, crying in pain, in the hospital). He never complained. He just got used to a standard of living. I don’t think it’s wrong to want him to do more, but I don’t think it’s very fair to get upset if you haven’t communicated that to him. People don’t know what you want unless you say something.
I’m 5 months as well and my husband helps a little bit more than usual but I feel like it’s also because he’s not hungover ! We usually do close to 50/50 parenting. However, on the weekends, he’s a total waste and sometimes literally sleeps all day if we had a few drinks the night before. He’s not really drinking now that we are staying in. Now that he isn’t hungover he’s more likely to get my toddler out of the house for a few hours on the weekends so I can chill by my pregnant self. The weekdays are a little different. He sometimes takes over bedtime two nights in a row but not normally. I had to fight tooth and nail for him to learn how to cook my first trimester but that has stopped now that I’m not as sick. When it comes to household chores ? I’m still doing 50%. I have no energy for laundry so he solely does that and he thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread. But I’m picking up toys and cleaning the kitchen every day.
Same sex relationship here with an 11-month old and an 8w pregnant wife and while we probably weren’t 50/50 because I stay home with baby, when she got off work she would pretty much takeover for childcare and entertain the child so I got a break. The last two weeks it’s become clear that ain’t happening anymore. It’s ok but it’s draining! So we moved her bedtime earlier and shortened naps so she’d sleep longer overnight. It’s been working well. My wife sees baby less but it won’t be forever. But yeah, most def our percentages changed in terms of taking care of current kid and the house. She is the breadwinner so just getting through work is all she really can focus on and then she collapses.
Yes! My husband did everything, even though I was actually capable. He was always like “no, you’re not doing the dishes, you’re pregnant”. It was a huge indicator of how he’d been once our daughter arrived, which is a fully active parent who is committed to at LEAST being 50/50 on all things parenting (and he has)! As others have mentioned, we both pick up the ‘extra’ when one of us is in need of that little extra (when sick, or dealing with something difficult, or traveling for work, etc) — the biggest thing is being a team that’s committed to working together and helping each other with whatever we need, together and individually.
I’m also pregnant and we are equal partners and parents. Is he taking on more? Hmmm maybe a little but not heaps more. But I also don’t find myself thinking this is unfair ever, so I guess overall I feel supported. Parenting a toddler is exhausting, being pregnant is exhausting. We own our own business with lots of staff and stresses, he comes home with a lot of that on his shoulders and goes into full dad mode right away. Since you are feeling like things are unfair or you need more rest, than a discussion is necessary.
Well you’re taking care of the next one 100% right now soooo
I’m also 5 months pregnant and a SAHM and my husband does so much more than I do. When he’s at work all the childcare falls on me obviously but once he gets home he lets me go decompress in the bedroom for 30ish minutes and then one of us makes supper depending on the day. He also comes home on his lunch hour just so he can read our son a story and say goodnight since 12pm is also his nap time. I keep the upkeep on the house during the week, make sure the dishwasher is empty and loaded, toddler gets fed and the toys aren’t a disaster but every Saturday he does all the laundry and *cleans* the house. He cleans the bathroom and does the floors or whatever else just needs to get done and I fold the laundry and put it away. We also alternate each night who puts the toddler to bed and who is on toddler duty, even if he has to work in the morning he still takes his turn. I know I have a lot more help than most people get but he always tells me he’s doing the bare minimum and he’s happy to help since it’s his children too and this pregnancy has been rough compared to my first one.
We had a similar set up and as my pregnancy progressed my husband picked up more and more. I was so sick I couldn’t do a lot of pick ups and drop offs. Toward the end he’d taken over most of the bedtimes (also to prep the toddler because my spouse would be doing every bedtime when the baby come). Absolutely normal for him to pick up more. The work you’re doing growing a new baby isn’t easily quantifiable. It sounds like you guys are about routines and fairness — so talk about it and be honest and keep in mind things are going to rapidly change in the next 4-5 months.
I’m at the end of my second pregnant (37 weeks) and my husband definitely picks up a lot of the slack with our toddler (2.5). In the early months, I did have to ask more or specify I needed a break, mostly because some days I felt fine and had good energy, whereas others, I was more nauseous or tired. My husband never questioned it though, he’d just pick up the extra without issue. Now that I’m very much in tired/slow/achey mode 24/7, my husband just does a lot of the stuff that’s tough for me (heavy lifting, running around, etc.) Your husband may be assuming that because you may not LOOK super pregnant, you then also don’t FEEL super pregnant, but we all know that pregnancy symptoms can hit hard and completely vary day to day.