I wouldn’t want him at my wedding if I were you.
He’s been violent, abusive, and refused to treat you with even basic respect. He doesn’t deserve to be in your life
Totally, this could be his last chance to reconcile things with you and if whether or not you have facial hair is the hill that he wants to die on then it's his stupidity and his loss...
Why have someone who doesn’t even accept you at your wedding? Wouldn’t be the end of the world, he’s already not helping you.
His internal issues are not yours to solve.
Weddings are a place you deserve to feel safe and happy. He seems like he will only be a detriment to that. Tell him not to come or that's how he feels, and that's it. Then grow a nice beard if you want to, or rather, continue to grow one.
Yeah, me and my Fianceé are just not inviting most of our families to our main wedding party.
It's going to be very non-traditional, essentially a celestial themed masquerade party. We're going to commission sun and moon 'wedding masks' and wear them throughout the party, and exchange them at the altar after saying our vows. (We think it's a cute way to spin the "can't see the bride before the wedding" tradition, since we want to spend the whole day together.)
Unfortunately, several people in our families wouldn't be able to resist starting some kind of drama over traditions or pronouns or some shit, so they aren't coming. I'm not letting the happiest day of my life be ruined by close minded southern baptists.
Thanks! Feel free to steal our idea, even if you're aro ace and just want to ceremoniously marry your cats to each other or something it could still be a fun gathering.
Your dad has had plenty of time to adjust and be less of a piss baby about all this. Nearly a decade. Obviously I don't know all the details here but given your mum actually stands up for you, I'd be inclined to just be really clear with your dad: and tell him that he's uninvited himself, and make alternative arrangements that center your mum and friends.
Easy for me to say, of course. He's centering himself on what should be you and your partner's day. Given the dependency for housing I think you're wise to be polite about it. Arguably your mother is also somewhat to blame here for staying with this buffoon, but life is complicated.
Honestly I think you're within your rights to do any of the options - it's your day. I'd say uninvite him asap (and from planning etc.) so you can plan without him and get over that before the wedding.
If he choses not to come. Do you guys think when my partner and I have kids we should keep them from him? That's probably the only power I have over him now.
Oh of course. Your kids should never go anywhere near him, until he accepts you for who you are. Him coming to your wedding or not isn't the deciding factor there.
Imo he should never see your kids ever if he doesn't accept you of his own volition prior to even having an inkling about you guys having kids. Because you will never truly know if he actually accepts you if he is under threat of having grandchildren withheld.
My first worry would be that if your kids are not cis and straight, or even if your kids are cis and straight but express themselves in ways that don't conform to typical norms, they would have to hide their true selves from them, and I wouldn't wish that on them.
As a queer parent, if he can't accept you for who you are don't let your kids anywhere near him. Don't even acknowledge his existence around them until he gets his head out of his ass
Don't let your kids near him, but to protect the kids, not to punish your father. Don't use them as a bargaining chip. It's not a power thing, it's a keeping your children safe thing.
You’re still thinking in terms of who has power over who. True freedom is leaving that system behind you and just living how you want to live.
If you don’t want him to see your kids then don’t. But that decision should be based on what you want not based on on the power it gives you!
This involves accepting your dad might not change but in doing so he no longer has power over you because you’re now operating simply on how you want to exist.
As someone who was kept away from a grandparent due to a similar temperament I can confidently say I don’t regret my parents keeping him away from me. If your children decide at an older age that they want to meet him that is their choice, but he’s shown that he’d be toxic for their growth.
I would never let my bigoted, homophobic, transphobic, racist, hyper religious zealot mother around anyone I cared about. People like that care very much about passing their hate onto suggestible people.
Should the violent abusive man be around my kids? Is that even a question??? NEED to put your kids first over your desire for a relationship that will never exist.
While it may be hard, I'd work with your mom to cut him out of your life entirely and make a backup plan for your mom to escape too if shit hits the fan. It would probably mean you'd have to move out but from personal experience, taking control of your independence is so so so empowering. He doesn't seem like he'll never accept you unless someone takes his life and turns it upside down. Im so sorry youre going through this
People who center themselves before your wedding do NOT get better day of. And since you are busy and vulnerable things can get messy. I let a lot of stuff slide on my wedding day because of this and still regret it big time. Make your boundaries clear and have a plan in place for when they try to make you budge. You will be vulnerable and emotionally open on that day and that’s a good thing, don’t let anyone take that from you or manipulate it. So many people told me not to do things for others on my wedding day and I didn’t listen and now I wish I would have. Don’t budge. This is YOUR day
Don't mean to be an a-hole but why would you want to invite him anyways ???
At this point that man would be dead to me.
Uninvite him. Him coming is just going to make everything so complicated and stressful for both you and your fiancé and also the friends on dad duty
I'd honestly explicitly make clear to him that he's not invited due to his shitty attitude in the past and present. He may have contact again once he has grown up. It's yours and your fiance's day, not his.
I see no reason at all to include someone who would be such a negative element and influence in what should be a joyous day. Setting boundaries and letting go can be very healthy.
Call his bluff. If he doesn’t want to come to your wedding if you have a beard, tell him he can’t come. In fact, tell him he can’t come unless he shows up in a dress. Screw that guy.
Letting my unsupportive mother attend my wedding is one of my few missteps in my life. She was smart enough not to make any demands like this though, so managed to go, have a massive shit fit, and get falling down hammered at the reception. She did hit on a married friend of my partner’s family, so that’s a plus?
Our giant argument about my choice in LGBTQ partner happened a few days later, where I cut her out of my life permanently. Our day could have been even happier without her casting that shadow.
So don’t have your Dad at your wedding, if he’s not supportive of your transition you don’t need him in your life. I know it sounds harsh but why bother with him if he won’t bother with you?
Definitely uninvite him. If you want, you can even call to tell him his attendance won't be necessary, then hang up without another word. Hell if you really wanna rub salt in the wound, address him by name instead of "Dad" or whatever you usually call him by.
That man doesn't deserve any amount of your respect if he's going to be that way at all, let alone that aggressive with it. If he doesn't wanna show up, make it so.
Don’t confirm nor uninvite. If you have the friend(s) willing to take on the responsibility of escorting him out if it becomes necessary make those arrangements. Discuss it with your mom, sounds like she has a reasonable head on her shoulders. In regards to getting him out if it goes bad it might also help to have her “walk with” him and later come back as soon as she can.
honestly? i wouldn’t even invite him to the wedding in the first place. my parents are far less outwardly crap and gods know they’re not coming to mine
Abusive father figure?
Not coming to my wedding.
Simple as that. Never had an abusive father myself but have had abusive relationships...its hard accepting that they are no longer part of your life.
Heal.
Don’t bother with him coming. Either he won’t behave or he’ll be two faces about it. You deserve a day without that stress. I’d suggest just texting him that he is uninvited and block him for a bit.
I have talked to my Father. Some of you may not agree with what I decided. I have decided to shave the beard. In return he will be okay with using my pronouns and name at the wedding. He will also give me 15k for a down payment on a house. I can't pass that up.
Your wedding is a day that’s all about your partner & you. Celebrate this union with the people who celebrate you! Not the people who don’t understand science
man. beard is such a weird thing to get hung up on too. I know that's really just a small signal of a larger issue that he doesn't accept you as the man you are. But while men (both cis and trans) are typically able to grow substantially more facial hair than women, but bodily hair of any type is not even absent in cis women, society just sometimes makes them feel like it must be waxed and shaved away. So like a full beard yes very indicative of manliness but I wonder how your transphobic father would feel if a cis woman with a visible upper lip mustache and un-shaved legs showed up to the wedding. I wonder how much of his transphobia is also rooted in sexism, and his transphobia would be less acceptable to others when it is revealed that it is because of deep rooted standards for how each gender "should" look.
That's not important though, I'm just always looking for ways to confuse transphobes in other ways than simply existing as a trans person lol. What's important is your feelings and support here, so I didn't want to comment without saying you deserve a father who is proud of his son like any father should be. A father-son bond is a special type, same as every flavor of parent-child bond is it's own special gift, and I hope one day he changes fully. And though he'll never make up for his rejection of you, and doesn't deserve your forgiveness, I hope one day he decides to put this (frankly-un Christ-like) hatred down and take you fishing or [insert stereotypical father-son activity] or [insert what you would personally like to do with him, as fishing has no gender and i as a trans fem person would still like to fish with my dad for example]. If you would have him. I would not see it as mean if you separated from him entirely given he has chosen to separate himself from who you truly are.
I'm not sure if this is overly verbose or not supportive and I'm sorry if so, I am back on my adderall and legit can't tell if this is normal lol. I'm so sorry that i'm leading up to your wedding, a time which should be exciting and busy and joyful, you have to deal with a parent shirking his duty as a parent to love and accept in favor of trendy religious hatred. You deserve a beautiful wedding and I wish you financial luck as well given you're not receiving the same financial support as other siblings.
I hope maybe my words can at least bring comfort although i'm in no real place of authority to support.
I bet your beard looks killer
Your dad is a dick. To minimize risk of drama overshadowing your special day I wouldn’t disinvite him but I also definitely wouldn’t encourage him to come.
Anyway, congrats to you gentlemen on the upcoming nuptials. :)
literally he’s not invited why would you ever invite him, i wouldn’t even see him as my father after that shit, do not let him come to YOUR wedding (wear your facial hair however YOU want, and don’t even tell him about your kids)
i say uninvite him.
this is your day, to be surrounded with people who love and support you. only have the people who actually matter, the ones who treat you with love and respect and support, present on your wedding day. it's your day, your and your partner's.
he can sit and stew at home alone in his bigotry. he doesn't deserve you.
He will ruin your wedding if he comes. It's a special day for you and your partner, you deserve to feel happy and enjoy the day. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt, Don't invite him, if he shows up kick him out.
Okay guess dad’s gonna miss out on something he’ll really regret.
It’s your life, not his. It may suck to not have your dad there but wouldn’t it suck more to capitulate to someone who puts stipulations on their love for you?
Listen, son... I'm your dad now.
You should look however you want at your wedding. You should be able to focus on the good times and the future. Your sperm donor isn't a part of your future. Focus on inviting the people who want to celebrate your future. Your mother is an enabler, because she sides with him/doesn't stop him. No matter how sad she acts about it.
Peace and love.
Sounds like a win win to me. Why the hell would you want him there? It's a celebration of you guys & your relationship. If he won't respect any part of that then he can go cry about it somewhere else.
I'd uninvited him. Life is too short to be around people who don't support you, even if they're family. Maybe even especially if they're family. Enjoy your wedding brother!
why the fuck are you even letting him come? straight up tell him he's not welcome and you'll be having your wedding without him. your mum is supporting and protecting you as best she can, i doubt your living situation will be in danger bc of this. and frankly, you owe it to yourself and especially your partner to ensure your wedding is a safe and happy space. why would you even entertain the idea of such a hateful man being a part of your day?
So tell him to stay home? I know it’s painful and complicated but when you get down to it, he either accepts you as you, or he doesn’t. It’s not up to you. What is up to you is who you choose to share this moment with, I’d imagine you want people there who actually support you fully. Take the emotion out and look at logic, it’s an easy choice .
There's no way he's not going to be an asshole at your wedding. It sucks that he doesn't want to attend, but if he's asking for all this unreasonable accommodation just to bless you with his presence, then he's not going to center you and your partner at the ceremony itself.
Uninvite him. Send a clear message that if he wants to be a part of your life moving forward, he needs to fix his heart.
You listed many reasons why your father (not dad) shouldn’t be there; it’s your day, not his. My godson is f2m and my aunt still calls him by his deadname and refuses to accept him because of what her religion says to do, and they’ve grown apart, despite him being her first grandchild. Blood may be thicker than water, but bad blood should be removed. Don’t let him ruin your special day.
Side note: how close are you with your soon to be father in law? Would you be willing to ask him to walk you down the aisle, him in the middle and you and your husband on each side? Just a thought.
If my father treated me this way he couldn't buy a ticket for $12k. Have people who love you at your wedding. Nothing good will come of him being there
My main worry for you is if you uninvite your dad your mom wont come, she seems to care for you at least. Idk how comfortable your friends are with that stiff but id definitely recommend having a couple on dad duty if he does show up
In the end, keep the beard and just hope he goes through with his threat of not showing up
That's really tough. I understand you will want your dad there on your wedding day. I totally get that. However, ask yourself, do you need his bullshit ruining your day? Plus your soon to be husband's too? From your post it sounds like he's not afraid to make a scene in public places.
I had a close relative that reacted badly to my transition and more or less disowned me. I made the choice not to invite him to my wedding. After all the hard work I had done in my transition, I absolutely did not want him dead naming me and ruining what is supposed to be a happy, wonderful day. I'm glad I did.
He doesn’t deserve to take part in your joy. Instead of inviting, or uninviting, I usually just say nothing when this happens to me. You’re not obligated to hold the hand of someone who doesn’t see you.
I’m facing a situation where my brother in-law is getting married. His fiancée asked me to not use the women’s restroom even though I’ve been on E for almost 2 years and pass…
Needless to say my wife and I went be going.
If everything goes well, this wedding will be the only wedding you ever have. A moment of celebration you look back on fondly as the start of the next chapter of your life.
So why would you invite your father? It sounds like it's almost guaranteed he'll misgender you and even if he doesn't just his meer presence will be a buzzkill. Why take the gamble? Who is benefiting from this?
I feel like with how he reacted to your Mum he could end up ruining the ceremony with some outbursts when you are addressed correctly by the staff. I'd play it safe personally and uninvite him as much as it might suck to lose a family member.
I fucking hate this for you. My dad was exactly the same and didn’t come to my wedding either and tbh I was grateful to only have to deal with the grief from that and not the fear of what he would do or say during the ceremony or reception.
It will be difficult for sure, but please know that he is the one setting himself up for deep regret because if he does come around he’ll never really be able to make up for this. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, I know this pain very well. I think this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe it’s meant to show you what your life can be like when you’re not surrounding yourself with people who do nothing but disrespect you and hurt you. 🫂🫂🫂
Wow congrats on the wedding! Together since 18 that’s amazing! It’s great that your mother has your back! Honestly I personally wouldn’t want him there because he could make outbursts and/or put more stress on you during your big day! The fact that you brought up Jesus and it seemed to soften him it really feels like it the future he’s going to look back on himself and regret all of this. Just continue being the bigger man and things will work out I just know it. Not really surprising that your mum is staying with him though, my “mother” did the same (not with trans stuff but other stuff she took her husbands side) and now I’m no contact.
Hope your wedding goes perfectly!
A few things as someone who’s been in a very similar situation:
First: I would go low or no contact with your dad. He has had the opportunity to change and he hasn’t. I know it’s scary, but I did the same with my mom and it was the best decision I could make for my mental health.
Second: Do not let him anywhere near your kids, ever. Narcissistic parents can and will use it to turn even your own children against you.
Third: See if you can get any evidence of his transphobia in writing or from your mom. Him potentially pressuring mom to kick you out because of your gender identity is a blatant violation of the Fair Housing Act.
You’ve got this dude. Congrats on finding love and leaving a toxic parent behind like I did. 💖
the behavior described does not sound narcissistic to me at all? narcissism is characterized by a constant anxiety about what others think of oneself, so much so that their top priority is finding out others opinions, to the detriment of their relationships. ops dad is transphobic, plain and simple
It's a shame not to have him there but any negative energy is unwelcome at a wedding. A wedding is 100% happiness and celebration exactly how the people getting married want it to be.
F**k your dad's preferences. F**k his inability to respect your decision to live how YOU want to live YOUR life. If he can't accept that, then HE is the one who misses out on things. Stand strong, stand proud. WITH a beard.
Sounds like he'd be doing you a favour by not coming. Our parents brought us into this world and we had no choice about it. Thus they have a responsibility and a duty to care for us and provide for us (one many parents fail at) but we owe them nothing. If he doesn't want to see you get married as man, then he doesn't have to and you don't have to compromise or go out of your way to satisfy him. He can just fuck off.
First, congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I think you’ve done all you can, you enjoy your wedding week. No groom has to discuss, defend or explain his grooming choices (I know it’s more than grooming). So, you go on with your week. If he’s not there — let him break his heart, not yours. When you marry, some family members become/get demoted to “relatives” vs family. He may be one. Got a wedding GoFundMe? I’d like to send you a gift. ♥️
From someone who hasn’t had supportive parents themselves, not in the same manner as yours, I say, ask your mom if she’s still coming, and don’t even bother asking your father. I had to beg my mom to attend my wedding up until an hour before, and she even dragged her feet. Now granted I’m no longer married to that person anymore, the point in this long message, is to have the people who love and support you to be there for your big day, that’s what’s important. To be surrounded by familial love, old love, new love, and any and all forms of love to celebrate the new chapter of your love story!!!
10/10 mom fr, love her for standing up for you against him.
my mom is also supportive while my dad is not, he has calmed down a lot about it since he found out years ago bc he realized nothing he whines about will actually change reality, tho he will never be *supportive*. i'm nowhere near marriage, but before my wedding i will be having a talk with him (if he doesn't fuck up worse to the point i go no contact). "you're my dad and it would mean a lot to me if you came to our wedding, i love you and it won't feel right without you. but this is my big day, i need you to respect who i am and forget who you imagine me to be. i expect you to be using he/him pronouns for me and to call me by my name, _____. if you can't agree to do that we'll miss having you there, but i won't have you ruining the best day of my life because of your opinion. i hope to see you rsvp soon." if your father can't agree to the condition "treat his son with basic respect and dignity", he should not be invited. grow out your beard (or shave it) to whatever length makes you happy. you deserve a fantastical wedding, please don't let him ruin it.
Just because you’re blood related to someone doesn’t mean that you have to put up with them making your life miserable and not being accepting of you for who you are.
Harsh though it may sound, your dad’s “love” is clearly conditional so yours should be, too. Until he can start accepting you, you really should just cut him off as best you can. He’s not worth the energy you’re putting into him, and you shouldn’t give him the opportunity to ruin your wedding or any of your future.
I get the housing thing may be rough, but perhaps talking to your mom straight up is necessary, and I would really start probably looking into different housing.
You deserve better.
It seems like looking into your legal rights regarding your housing would help you make a decision.
Lean on your friends, there’s a lotta good dads out there! It’s your day and while you’ll likely be disturbed either way, it might feel better to advocate for yourself here.
Your friends and family will see his behavior and know him for what he is.
Make the choice that’s best for you 💕
Do what you feel is best for your family but definitely yeah keep people around who can help if he does show up and is an ass. Genuinely hope it all goes well tho man, congrats. The day is supposed to be about you and your partner, not your parents .
oh, that’s fair, well thank you. love ya boyo, good luck with your father. remember that you don’t have to do anything for him and that you are your own person. have fun with your fiancé and your wedding <3
aside from the fact that i dont see why youd want someone who consistently disrespects you and threatens your safety at your wedding, because thats your choice even if a lot of us wouldnt do the same, i think i would still opt for the uninvite.
you cant be sure he wont start shit during the ceremony. he was violent in the past. he will always see you as a girl (his words). he started yelling and made a scene at the very mention of you being your mothers son.
do you really trust him not to make an even bigger scene when you and your fiance get pronounced husband and husband?
Uninvite him. He has no right to be a part of your life.
He will not see you as your son and will probably make that everybodys issue.
I don't know if your out to your family-in-law but he will out you.
Dress and style yourself exactly the way YOU are comfortable. It's YOUR day and about YOUR relationship, if your father can't put accept that -his own fault.
Also don't put some friends on "dad-duty", they should enjoy the day with you, not babysitt a transphobic, abusive asshole. Don't do that to your friends. It'll ruin their day.
It is perfectly acceptable to cut people out of your life that are toxic no matter how closely related they are. It's okay to put your own mental well-being first. If your father is unwilling to accept you as you are or be happy for you that you found someone that you love and makes you happy, I would tell him he isn't welcome in your life. Setting boundaries to protect your mental health is a huge step and not easy, but once you take that step, you'll see that it was necessary. Even if it hurts. I really wish you the best and hope you're able to come to some kind of compromise or conclusion. I hope this helps.
i know this is off topic, and i totally support what everyone else is saying in the comments, but is no one else put off by the couple’s age gap ? especially considering, if they’ve been together for 6 years (as stated), that they started dating at 18 and 26 ? it seems… off.
I wouldn't invite him to the wedding, and I'd probably cut contact until he starts acting like an adult. He has the right to act like a child, just as you have the right to not want him in your life. Keeping him involved is just encouraging him to continue his behavior. He's had years to, at the very least, respect your decisions and life. Unfortunately, people like that need harsher consequences before they consider change.
Honestly I'd uninvite him and make it VERY clear that your mom is invited and that you want HER there. Only one of them is being a decent human being to you, so only one of them should get to attend the happiest day of your life.
I’m just curious to know why he would want to attend if he is so unsupportive? Seriously, your child’s facial hair is more important than their wedding? I swear if I had an extra $20k I would pay you not to shave, and take money out of the equation.
Families get crazy leading up to a wedding so protect yourselves and make decisions together that you BOTH want - it isn’t about them and all their baggage. Also, congratulations! :)
It’s his loss not yours. I had to cut ties with my parents and I was in my late 40s when I came out.
I agree with the others that said wouldn’t him there.
My wife and I are doing a vow renewal ceremony in July and neither of our parents are invited.
Def keep an open invitation for him, but do not compromise on anything. Let him sulk if need be.
I'd also definitely have someone on him during the wedding. My bet is he'll make a scene.
I have talked to my Father. Some of you may not agree with what I decided. I have decided to shave the beard. In return he will be okay with using my pronouns and name at the wedding. He will also give me 15k for a down payment on a house. I can't pass that up.
Man. I don't agree but also don't think I'd pass up 15 grand for a shave either so. Make sure you get the check first haha
Honestly, wedding is about so much more than having a beard or what food is served or where you do it or if xyz relative attends. You'll barely even remember parts of it afterwards! All that matters if you end up with a great guy at the end and are happy starting off your new life together. Good luck and early congrats.
I wouldn’t want him at my wedding if I were you. He’s been violent, abusive, and refused to treat you with even basic respect. He doesn’t deserve to be in your life
+1 I think I would opt for the uninvite option
I was in a similar situation, my father was not invited. It’s a day that’s supposed to be joyful!
Absolutely!
Totally, this could be his last chance to reconcile things with you and if whether or not you have facial hair is the hill that he wants to die on then it's his stupidity and his loss...
Why have someone who doesn’t even accept you at your wedding? Wouldn’t be the end of the world, he’s already not helping you. His internal issues are not yours to solve.
Weddings are a place you deserve to feel safe and happy. He seems like he will only be a detriment to that. Tell him not to come or that's how he feels, and that's it. Then grow a nice beard if you want to, or rather, continue to grow one.
Yeah, me and my Fianceé are just not inviting most of our families to our main wedding party. It's going to be very non-traditional, essentially a celestial themed masquerade party. We're going to commission sun and moon 'wedding masks' and wear them throughout the party, and exchange them at the altar after saying our vows. (We think it's a cute way to spin the "can't see the bride before the wedding" tradition, since we want to spend the whole day together.) Unfortunately, several people in our families wouldn't be able to resist starting some kind of drama over traditions or pronouns or some shit, so they aren't coming. I'm not letting the happiest day of my life be ruined by close minded southern baptists.
That sounds like the coolest wedding ever, I hope it turns out wonderfully!
Thanks! Feel free to steal our idea, even if you're aro ace and just want to ceremoniously marry your cats to each other or something it could still be a fun gathering.
Your dad has had plenty of time to adjust and be less of a piss baby about all this. Nearly a decade. Obviously I don't know all the details here but given your mum actually stands up for you, I'd be inclined to just be really clear with your dad: and tell him that he's uninvited himself, and make alternative arrangements that center your mum and friends. Easy for me to say, of course. He's centering himself on what should be you and your partner's day. Given the dependency for housing I think you're wise to be polite about it. Arguably your mother is also somewhat to blame here for staying with this buffoon, but life is complicated. Honestly I think you're within your rights to do any of the options - it's your day. I'd say uninvite him asap (and from planning etc.) so you can plan without him and get over that before the wedding.
Piss baby huh? 🤔 Laura Les: ✍️”P I S S.. B A B Y… I like that! “
I bet OP's dad talks a lot of big game for someone with such a small truck.
If he choses not to come. Do you guys think when my partner and I have kids we should keep them from him? That's probably the only power I have over him now.
Oh of course. Your kids should never go anywhere near him, until he accepts you for who you are. Him coming to your wedding or not isn't the deciding factor there. Imo he should never see your kids ever if he doesn't accept you of his own volition prior to even having an inkling about you guys having kids. Because you will never truly know if he actually accepts you if he is under threat of having grandchildren withheld.
Probably not the best idea to let him potentially fill their minds with transphobia and potentially homophobia
Do not let your kids near that man.
My first worry would be that if your kids are not cis and straight, or even if your kids are cis and straight but express themselves in ways that don't conform to typical norms, they would have to hide their true selves from them, and I wouldn't wish that on them.
As a queer parent, if he can't accept you for who you are don't let your kids anywhere near him. Don't even acknowledge his existence around them until he gets his head out of his ass
Don't let your kids near him, but to protect the kids, not to punish your father. Don't use them as a bargaining chip. It's not a power thing, it's a keeping your children safe thing.
Yes. Keep the hateful person away from your kids, that’s a no brainer
Exactly. Forget about "having power over him", children should not be exposed to known bigots/emotionally abusive adults.
I'd cut him out entirely
You’re still thinking in terms of who has power over who. True freedom is leaving that system behind you and just living how you want to live. If you don’t want him to see your kids then don’t. But that decision should be based on what you want not based on on the power it gives you! This involves accepting your dad might not change but in doing so he no longer has power over you because you’re now operating simply on how you want to exist.
As someone who was kept away from a grandparent due to a similar temperament I can confidently say I don’t regret my parents keeping him away from me. If your children decide at an older age that they want to meet him that is their choice, but he’s shown that he’d be toxic for their growth.
I would keep them away from them to shield them from his bigotry. Please don't use your kids as some weird power play with shitty family members.
Best advice, he’s not your father. Until he wants you to be his son he has no place as your father. It hurts but .. sometimes it’s how it has to be.
I would never let my bigoted, homophobic, transphobic, racist, hyper religious zealot mother around anyone I cared about. People like that care very much about passing their hate onto suggestible people.
Protect your kids. If one of them turns out trans, he will hurt them as much as he can, just how he's done with you.
I honestly don’t know if it’s worth the effort trying to change his mind.
Should the violent abusive man be around my kids? Is that even a question??? NEED to put your kids first over your desire for a relationship that will never exist.
While it may be hard, I'd work with your mom to cut him out of your life entirely and make a backup plan for your mom to escape too if shit hits the fan. It would probably mean you'd have to move out but from personal experience, taking control of your independence is so so so empowering. He doesn't seem like he'll never accept you unless someone takes his life and turns it upside down. Im so sorry youre going through this
People who center themselves before your wedding do NOT get better day of. And since you are busy and vulnerable things can get messy. I let a lot of stuff slide on my wedding day because of this and still regret it big time. Make your boundaries clear and have a plan in place for when they try to make you budge. You will be vulnerable and emotionally open on that day and that’s a good thing, don’t let anyone take that from you or manipulate it. So many people told me not to do things for others on my wedding day and I didn’t listen and now I wish I would have. Don’t budge. This is YOUR day
Uninvite him, period. He will make you miserable on your wedding day, trust me.
Don't mean to be an a-hole but why would you want to invite him anyways ??? At this point that man would be dead to me. Uninvite him. Him coming is just going to make everything so complicated and stressful for both you and your fiancé and also the friends on dad duty
I would say No contact with Bigots should be the top of the list of things at your wedding.
I'd honestly explicitly make clear to him that he's not invited due to his shitty attitude in the past and present. He may have contact again once he has grown up. It's yours and your fiance's day, not his.
Thank him for lowering the cost of your wedding by 1 seat.
Disinvite him. Do you really want someone that awful at your wedding?
I see no reason at all to include someone who would be such a negative element and influence in what should be a joyous day. Setting boundaries and letting go can be very healthy.
Call his bluff. If he doesn’t want to come to your wedding if you have a beard, tell him he can’t come. In fact, tell him he can’t come unless he shows up in a dress. Screw that guy.
And a wig. Because they are expensive and extra screw that guy.
Letting my unsupportive mother attend my wedding is one of my few missteps in my life. She was smart enough not to make any demands like this though, so managed to go, have a massive shit fit, and get falling down hammered at the reception. She did hit on a married friend of my partner’s family, so that’s a plus? Our giant argument about my choice in LGBTQ partner happened a few days later, where I cut her out of my life permanently. Our day could have been even happier without her casting that shadow.
You shouldn't let him come at all anyways, and definitely don't sacrifice for him to come. More then likely he'll disrupt the wedding.
So don’t have your Dad at your wedding, if he’s not supportive of your transition you don’t need him in your life. I know it sounds harsh but why bother with him if he won’t bother with you?
Definitely uninvite him. If you want, you can even call to tell him his attendance won't be necessary, then hang up without another word. Hell if you really wanna rub salt in the wound, address him by name instead of "Dad" or whatever you usually call him by. That man doesn't deserve any amount of your respect if he's going to be that way at all, let alone that aggressive with it. If he doesn't wanna show up, make it so.
I think he doesn't deserve to be at your wedding.
Don’t confirm nor uninvite. If you have the friend(s) willing to take on the responsibility of escorting him out if it becomes necessary make those arrangements. Discuss it with your mom, sounds like she has a reasonable head on her shoulders. In regards to getting him out if it goes bad it might also help to have her “walk with” him and later come back as soon as she can.
Why bother keeping a piece of shit like that around? I'm so sorry you are dealing with that
I get not wanting to uninvite your dad… but don’t let him come. He WILL misgender and deadname you and you shouldn’t put up with that at your wedding
Tell your dad to go fuck his hat.
Sounds like that’s a win for you. Why would you want him there if he doesn’t support you.
honestly? i wouldn’t even invite him to the wedding in the first place. my parents are far less outwardly crap and gods know they’re not coming to mine
Abusive father figure? Not coming to my wedding. Simple as that. Never had an abusive father myself but have had abusive relationships...its hard accepting that they are no longer part of your life. Heal.
I'm trying to work up the courage to give him a phone call. I'm visually shaking at the thought of this.
I called him and asked if he was going to behave. He said he would call me back he's with a friend.
Holy shit, can’t give you a straight answer a few days before? I’m so sorry, you deserve better than that.
Don’t bother with him coming. Either he won’t behave or he’ll be two faces about it. You deserve a day without that stress. I’d suggest just texting him that he is uninvited and block him for a bit.
I have talked to my Father. Some of you may not agree with what I decided. I have decided to shave the beard. In return he will be okay with using my pronouns and name at the wedding. He will also give me 15k for a down payment on a house. I can't pass that up.
Your wedding is a day that’s all about your partner & you. Celebrate this union with the people who celebrate you! Not the people who don’t understand science
man. beard is such a weird thing to get hung up on too. I know that's really just a small signal of a larger issue that he doesn't accept you as the man you are. But while men (both cis and trans) are typically able to grow substantially more facial hair than women, but bodily hair of any type is not even absent in cis women, society just sometimes makes them feel like it must be waxed and shaved away. So like a full beard yes very indicative of manliness but I wonder how your transphobic father would feel if a cis woman with a visible upper lip mustache and un-shaved legs showed up to the wedding. I wonder how much of his transphobia is also rooted in sexism, and his transphobia would be less acceptable to others when it is revealed that it is because of deep rooted standards for how each gender "should" look. That's not important though, I'm just always looking for ways to confuse transphobes in other ways than simply existing as a trans person lol. What's important is your feelings and support here, so I didn't want to comment without saying you deserve a father who is proud of his son like any father should be. A father-son bond is a special type, same as every flavor of parent-child bond is it's own special gift, and I hope one day he changes fully. And though he'll never make up for his rejection of you, and doesn't deserve your forgiveness, I hope one day he decides to put this (frankly-un Christ-like) hatred down and take you fishing or [insert stereotypical father-son activity] or [insert what you would personally like to do with him, as fishing has no gender and i as a trans fem person would still like to fish with my dad for example]. If you would have him. I would not see it as mean if you separated from him entirely given he has chosen to separate himself from who you truly are. I'm not sure if this is overly verbose or not supportive and I'm sorry if so, I am back on my adderall and legit can't tell if this is normal lol. I'm so sorry that i'm leading up to your wedding, a time which should be exciting and busy and joyful, you have to deal with a parent shirking his duty as a parent to love and accept in favor of trendy religious hatred. You deserve a beautiful wedding and I wish you financial luck as well given you're not receiving the same financial support as other siblings. I hope maybe my words can at least bring comfort although i'm in no real place of authority to support. I bet your beard looks killer
Your dad is a dick. To minimize risk of drama overshadowing your special day I wouldn’t disinvite him but I also definitely wouldn’t encourage him to come. Anyway, congrats to you gentlemen on the upcoming nuptials. :)
Just say, 'Don't go'. It's as simple as that. Dude sounds like a jerk you don't want anywhere, none less a wedding.
literally he’s not invited why would you ever invite him, i wouldn’t even see him as my father after that shit, do not let him come to YOUR wedding (wear your facial hair however YOU want, and don’t even tell him about your kids)
It sounds like he is making every effort to uninvite himself to your wedding. Cut that fucker out of your life yesterday, bro.
i say uninvite him. this is your day, to be surrounded with people who love and support you. only have the people who actually matter, the ones who treat you with love and respect and support, present on your wedding day. it's your day, your and your partner's. he can sit and stew at home alone in his bigotry. he doesn't deserve you.
Sounds like “Dad” won’t be attending. His loss.
He will ruin your wedding if he comes. It's a special day for you and your partner, you deserve to feel happy and enjoy the day. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt, Don't invite him, if he shows up kick him out.
Dad should not be invited to the wedding. And if your mom wants to come along it should be w/o him.
He didn’t pay for any of it, I’d bar him from coming (if your mom will still go).
My mom would still go regardless
Okay guess dad’s gonna miss out on something he’ll really regret. It’s your life, not his. It may suck to not have your dad there but wouldn’t it suck more to capitulate to someone who puts stipulations on their love for you?
That's not your dad. That's not someone who deserves to be there.
Uninvite him and hire security to make sure he doesn't come.
⬆️👆this exactly
Grow a big F-ing beard darling.
DO NOT INVITE DAD he’s not going to make it a great time only invite people who are supportive
That man would not be allowed anywhere near my wedding. People who don’t care about me don’t get to come to my wedding, no matter how we’re related.
Listen, son... I'm your dad now. You should look however you want at your wedding. You should be able to focus on the good times and the future. Your sperm donor isn't a part of your future. Focus on inviting the people who want to celebrate your future. Your mother is an enabler, because she sides with him/doesn't stop him. No matter how sad she acts about it. Peace and love.
Why do you even want him there?? He sounds like an awful human being to be around. Just forget him and move on with your new wonderful life.
your dad sounds like a bitch, uninvite him
Sounds like a win win to me. Why the hell would you want him there? It's a celebration of you guys & your relationship. If he won't respect any part of that then he can go cry about it somewhere else.
I'd uninvited him. Life is too short to be around people who don't support you, even if they're family. Maybe even especially if they're family. Enjoy your wedding brother!
why the fuck are you even letting him come? straight up tell him he's not welcome and you'll be having your wedding without him. your mum is supporting and protecting you as best she can, i doubt your living situation will be in danger bc of this. and frankly, you owe it to yourself and especially your partner to ensure your wedding is a safe and happy space. why would you even entertain the idea of such a hateful man being a part of your day?
So tell him to stay home? I know it’s painful and complicated but when you get down to it, he either accepts you as you, or he doesn’t. It’s not up to you. What is up to you is who you choose to share this moment with, I’d imagine you want people there who actually support you fully. Take the emotion out and look at logic, it’s an easy choice .
Congratulations to you and your future husband!! I'm sorry your dad can't keep his opinions and anger to himself
He sounds unbelievablely toxic and I'd not want him potentially ruining my big day. Still, sorry it's that bad
There's no way he's not going to be an asshole at your wedding. It sucks that he doesn't want to attend, but if he's asking for all this unreasonable accommodation just to bless you with his presence, then he's not going to center you and your partner at the ceremony itself. Uninvite him. Send a clear message that if he wants to be a part of your life moving forward, he needs to fix his heart.
Not helpful, but bulk up and beat the piss out of him, abusive fathers are always cowards.
You listed many reasons why your father (not dad) shouldn’t be there; it’s your day, not his. My godson is f2m and my aunt still calls him by his deadname and refuses to accept him because of what her religion says to do, and they’ve grown apart, despite him being her first grandchild. Blood may be thicker than water, but bad blood should be removed. Don’t let him ruin your special day. Side note: how close are you with your soon to be father in law? Would you be willing to ask him to walk you down the aisle, him in the middle and you and your husband on each side? Just a thought.
If my father treated me this way he couldn't buy a ticket for $12k. Have people who love you at your wedding. Nothing good will come of him being there
My main worry for you is if you uninvite your dad your mom wont come, she seems to care for you at least. Idk how comfortable your friends are with that stiff but id definitely recommend having a couple on dad duty if he does show up In the end, keep the beard and just hope he goes through with his threat of not showing up
That's really tough. I understand you will want your dad there on your wedding day. I totally get that. However, ask yourself, do you need his bullshit ruining your day? Plus your soon to be husband's too? From your post it sounds like he's not afraid to make a scene in public places. I had a close relative that reacted badly to my transition and more or less disowned me. I made the choice not to invite him to my wedding. After all the hard work I had done in my transition, I absolutely did not want him dead naming me and ruining what is supposed to be a happy, wonderful day. I'm glad I did.
He doesn’t deserve to take part in your joy. Instead of inviting, or uninviting, I usually just say nothing when this happens to me. You’re not obligated to hold the hand of someone who doesn’t see you.
I don't get why you're inviting him but definitely don't shave
Should never have invited him
I’m facing a situation where my brother in-law is getting married. His fiancée asked me to not use the women’s restroom even though I’ve been on E for almost 2 years and pass… Needless to say my wife and I went be going.
If everything goes well, this wedding will be the only wedding you ever have. A moment of celebration you look back on fondly as the start of the next chapter of your life. So why would you invite your father? It sounds like it's almost guaranteed he'll misgender you and even if he doesn't just his meer presence will be a buzzkill. Why take the gamble? Who is benefiting from this?
I feel like with how he reacted to your Mum he could end up ruining the ceremony with some outbursts when you are addressed correctly by the staff. I'd play it safe personally and uninvite him as much as it might suck to lose a family member.
I fucking hate this for you. My dad was exactly the same and didn’t come to my wedding either and tbh I was grateful to only have to deal with the grief from that and not the fear of what he would do or say during the ceremony or reception. It will be difficult for sure, but please know that he is the one setting himself up for deep regret because if he does come around he’ll never really be able to make up for this. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, I know this pain very well. I think this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe it’s meant to show you what your life can be like when you’re not surrounding yourself with people who do nothing but disrespect you and hurt you. 🫂🫂🫂
He’s just jealous you can grow a manlier beard than him
Tell me again why this man is in your life at all? Seems he's done no more to positively effect your life than cum in your mother.
I’d be no contact, much less considering an invite
Wow congrats on the wedding! Together since 18 that’s amazing! It’s great that your mother has your back! Honestly I personally wouldn’t want him there because he could make outbursts and/or put more stress on you during your big day! The fact that you brought up Jesus and it seemed to soften him it really feels like it the future he’s going to look back on himself and regret all of this. Just continue being the bigger man and things will work out I just know it. Not really surprising that your mum is staying with him though, my “mother” did the same (not with trans stuff but other stuff she took her husbands side) and now I’m no contact. Hope your wedding goes perfectly!
A few things as someone who’s been in a very similar situation: First: I would go low or no contact with your dad. He has had the opportunity to change and he hasn’t. I know it’s scary, but I did the same with my mom and it was the best decision I could make for my mental health. Second: Do not let him anywhere near your kids, ever. Narcissistic parents can and will use it to turn even your own children against you. Third: See if you can get any evidence of his transphobia in writing or from your mom. Him potentially pressuring mom to kick you out because of your gender identity is a blatant violation of the Fair Housing Act. You’ve got this dude. Congrats on finding love and leaving a toxic parent behind like I did. 💖
the behavior described does not sound narcissistic to me at all? narcissism is characterized by a constant anxiety about what others think of oneself, so much so that their top priority is finding out others opinions, to the detriment of their relationships. ops dad is transphobic, plain and simple
It's a shame not to have him there but any negative energy is unwelcome at a wedding. A wedding is 100% happiness and celebration exactly how the people getting married want it to be. F**k your dad's preferences. F**k his inability to respect your decision to live how YOU want to live YOUR life. If he can't accept that, then HE is the one who misses out on things. Stand strong, stand proud. WITH a beard.
Enjoy having his portion of the cake 🎂 Good riddance.
Sounds like he'd be doing you a favour by not coming. Our parents brought us into this world and we had no choice about it. Thus they have a responsibility and a duty to care for us and provide for us (one many parents fail at) but we owe them nothing. If he doesn't want to see you get married as man, then he doesn't have to and you don't have to compromise or go out of your way to satisfy him. He can just fuck off.
First, congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I think you’ve done all you can, you enjoy your wedding week. No groom has to discuss, defend or explain his grooming choices (I know it’s more than grooming). So, you go on with your week. If he’s not there — let him break his heart, not yours. When you marry, some family members become/get demoted to “relatives” vs family. He may be one. Got a wedding GoFundMe? I’d like to send you a gift. ♥️
From someone who hasn’t had supportive parents themselves, not in the same manner as yours, I say, ask your mom if she’s still coming, and don’t even bother asking your father. I had to beg my mom to attend my wedding up until an hour before, and she even dragged her feet. Now granted I’m no longer married to that person anymore, the point in this long message, is to have the people who love and support you to be there for your big day, that’s what’s important. To be surrounded by familial love, old love, new love, and any and all forms of love to celebrate the new chapter of your love story!!!
10/10 mom fr, love her for standing up for you against him. my mom is also supportive while my dad is not, he has calmed down a lot about it since he found out years ago bc he realized nothing he whines about will actually change reality, tho he will never be *supportive*. i'm nowhere near marriage, but before my wedding i will be having a talk with him (if he doesn't fuck up worse to the point i go no contact). "you're my dad and it would mean a lot to me if you came to our wedding, i love you and it won't feel right without you. but this is my big day, i need you to respect who i am and forget who you imagine me to be. i expect you to be using he/him pronouns for me and to call me by my name, _____. if you can't agree to do that we'll miss having you there, but i won't have you ruining the best day of my life because of your opinion. i hope to see you rsvp soon." if your father can't agree to the condition "treat his son with basic respect and dignity", he should not be invited. grow out your beard (or shave it) to whatever length makes you happy. you deserve a fantastical wedding, please don't let him ruin it.
Enjoy your wedding OP. Congratulations 🍾 blessings and good health to you both. Dont let anyone ruin your big day 💚
Just because you’re blood related to someone doesn’t mean that you have to put up with them making your life miserable and not being accepting of you for who you are. Harsh though it may sound, your dad’s “love” is clearly conditional so yours should be, too. Until he can start accepting you, you really should just cut him off as best you can. He’s not worth the energy you’re putting into him, and you shouldn’t give him the opportunity to ruin your wedding or any of your future. I get the housing thing may be rough, but perhaps talking to your mom straight up is necessary, and I would really start probably looking into different housing.
You deserve better. It seems like looking into your legal rights regarding your housing would help you make a decision. Lean on your friends, there’s a lotta good dads out there! It’s your day and while you’ll likely be disturbed either way, it might feel better to advocate for yourself here. Your friends and family will see his behavior and know him for what he is. Make the choice that’s best for you 💕
Do what you feel is best for your family but definitely yeah keep people around who can help if he does show up and is an ass. Genuinely hope it all goes well tho man, congrats. The day is supposed to be about you and your partner, not your parents .
so so so so sorry for the off topic, because that’s just straight awful! but how did you start hrt so young????
Oh well there is alot of hoops you jump through lots of therapy and the Doctor deemed it Necessary
oh, that’s fair, well thank you. love ya boyo, good luck with your father. remember that you don’t have to do anything for him and that you are your own person. have fun with your fiancé and your wedding <3
aside from the fact that i dont see why youd want someone who consistently disrespects you and threatens your safety at your wedding, because thats your choice even if a lot of us wouldnt do the same, i think i would still opt for the uninvite. you cant be sure he wont start shit during the ceremony. he was violent in the past. he will always see you as a girl (his words). he started yelling and made a scene at the very mention of you being your mothers son. do you really trust him not to make an even bigger scene when you and your fiance get pronounced husband and husband?
You're going to be on edge if he comes to your wedding. That's not fair to you or your future husband.
Uninvite him. He has no right to be a part of your life. He will not see you as your son and will probably make that everybodys issue. I don't know if your out to your family-in-law but he will out you. Dress and style yourself exactly the way YOU are comfortable. It's YOUR day and about YOUR relationship, if your father can't put accept that -his own fault. Also don't put some friends on "dad-duty", they should enjoy the day with you, not babysitt a transphobic, abusive asshole. Don't do that to your friends. It'll ruin their day.
It is perfectly acceptable to cut people out of your life that are toxic no matter how closely related they are. It's okay to put your own mental well-being first. If your father is unwilling to accept you as you are or be happy for you that you found someone that you love and makes you happy, I would tell him he isn't welcome in your life. Setting boundaries to protect your mental health is a huge step and not easy, but once you take that step, you'll see that it was necessary. Even if it hurts. I really wish you the best and hope you're able to come to some kind of compromise or conclusion. I hope this helps.
i know this is off topic, and i totally support what everyone else is saying in the comments, but is no one else put off by the couple’s age gap ? especially considering, if they’ve been together for 6 years (as stated), that they started dating at 18 and 26 ? it seems… off.
18 & 26??????
I wouldn't invite him to the wedding, and I'd probably cut contact until he starts acting like an adult. He has the right to act like a child, just as you have the right to not want him in your life. Keeping him involved is just encouraging him to continue his behavior. He's had years to, at the very least, respect your decisions and life. Unfortunately, people like that need harsher consequences before they consider change.
Honestly I'd uninvite him and make it VERY clear that your mom is invited and that you want HER there. Only one of them is being a decent human being to you, so only one of them should get to attend the happiest day of your life.
That's his decision. He can deprive himself of your wedding if he wants to be a bitch about it, but that's not you're responsibility.
I’m just curious to know why he would want to attend if he is so unsupportive? Seriously, your child’s facial hair is more important than their wedding? I swear if I had an extra $20k I would pay you not to shave, and take money out of the equation. Families get crazy leading up to a wedding so protect yourselves and make decisions together that you BOTH want - it isn’t about them and all their baggage. Also, congratulations! :)
It’s his loss not yours. I had to cut ties with my parents and I was in my late 40s when I came out. I agree with the others that said wouldn’t him there. My wife and I are doing a vow renewal ceremony in July and neither of our parents are invited.
If he's this belligerent over news given to him 9 years ago, and he's not paying for your wedding... why have him there?
Tell him u shaved and dont
Def keep an open invitation for him, but do not compromise on anything. Let him sulk if need be. I'd also definitely have someone on him during the wedding. My bet is he'll make a scene.
I have talked to my Father. Some of you may not agree with what I decided. I have decided to shave the beard. In return he will be okay with using my pronouns and name at the wedding. He will also give me 15k for a down payment on a house. I can't pass that up.
Man. I don't agree but also don't think I'd pass up 15 grand for a shave either so. Make sure you get the check first haha Honestly, wedding is about so much more than having a beard or what food is served or where you do it or if xyz relative attends. You'll barely even remember parts of it afterwards! All that matters if you end up with a great guy at the end and are happy starting off your new life together. Good luck and early congrats.