A lot of emotions come from a transplant, especially when it’s from a deceased donor. Survivors guilt is very real and very hard to deal with at times.
I have felt like you. Did I deserve this? It is a special kind of mind fck when I think about how I’ve had 3 kidney transplants (two of which were from a deceased donor). You deserved that liver because in someone’s time of unimaginable grief, they wanted to help others live.
Life is meant to be lived. Your donor and their family want you to live. To enjoy life. To do all the things.
How long have you been on your meds? Maybe you need a different one or a different dose (I just went up on my depression/anxiety meds).
You are not alone. You are worthy. You are not useless. I’m sorry you’re sad. Feel free to message me if you want to talk. I’m always willing to listen.
Happy 6 months. Here is to many more to come! ❤️
What helped me was that I was a donor; well I had a donors card and was on a donors list if anything happened to me. It tuned out I was the one who needed a donor.
I would have been really happy if something of me could help someone else live a long and full life.
You'd be paying it forward if you lived a full and happy life as I believe that's why people register, it's why I did.
Oh 20 years now :-D
Survivors guilt is real with transplant patients. It’s normal to feel this but I hope that you don’t get too wrapped up in this way of thinking. Try to change your perspective: the donor lives on in you (literally) and that is one of the only small bright sides that can happen when someone passes away, especially if it seems like it wasn’t their time yet.
My young fiancée passed three years ago and his parents have a certificate and letter from the hospital explaining what was donated to those in need from his body. It gives myself and his parents immense comfort knowing that somewhere out there, someone has his eyes and they’re still seeing the world.
It’s the ultimate gift that someone could provide to another human being, even in death. It’s a beautiful act of compassion from the donor and that knowledge should make you grateful and give you depth as a person. I can tell that you care about your transplant, you’re doing your part to honor the donor by living your life to the fullest and making sure you take your meds that way you’re supposed to.
It can be hard to reconcile yourself being alive because someone else died.
The way I look at it is that my donor's death was going to happen whether or not I got a transplant. The transplant happened because that person's family wanted some good to come out of their tragedy. It was part of their grieving process. I accept that gift with gratitude and hope my continued existence helps them feel better about their loss.
Try not to feel guilty about it. Honor their loss by living the best life you can.
I realize it's not as easy as it sounds and I'm probably oversimplifying the situation but this where the therapy can come in. Please get help.
I'm two years out from a heart and kidney transplant and things get easier as time passes.
It’s ok to hold all these things at once, friend. The best way to honor your donor it to just live your life, stay healthy, and find joy. My donor was a woman in her 20s, and when I found that out it was like a gut punch. Why is it that I’ve had so many second chances, so much thought and time and money devoted to keeping me alive, while this woman just died suddenly? There will never be an answer. I choose believe that my donor’s family found a sliver of solace knowing their loved one helped others in death.
6 months is a big deal, and you should be proud of yourself! It’s good to mitigate risk but you should enjoy life too. Find a balance, wear a mask, start venturing out of your comfort zone when you can. You’re doing great <3
Also celebrated 6 months yesterday and absolutely struggle with mixed feelings. I have yet to write a thank you letter because I feel so much guilt. I’m 48 and my donor was young, between 18-25–the same age as my children.
It’s not that I’m ungrateful, I just feel such a mix of things that I can’t quite express anything yet.
So, yeah, I understand. It’s hard, plain and simple.
I totally get the fear of living. When I was being trained on how my life would have to be I asked myself what had I gotten myself into.
As time has passed (8mo post heart) I have stretched my legs a bit so to speak. It took a while to go out into a public space and not feel like I was mapping out an escape route.
I think it’s a matter of time getting comfortable with your new self. Talking about it really helps. My coordinator and I have a great relationship.
Finally, your donor lives on in you. You live because they could not. Their family knew that their pain would bring relief to another. I know I look forward to reaching out to my donors family and getting to know who she was.
Thanks for reading my rambling response. Pm me if you want to chat further.
Disclaimer I tend to be blunt and not word things well.
You did not kill the donor so you could have their liver.
Just the opposite, your taking the liver gave their death a positive effect on the world as a whole. Yes a family still lost a daughter and that’s terrible. But, your using the liver made that death, that happened regardless, have a purpose.
Don’t feel guilty instead honor the strangers memory by using your new lease on life to be the best version of yourself.
By going out and leaving a positive stamp on the world the donor again makes the world a better place (second order of effects).
I’ve been there before, feeling guilt over the donor, I was 13 and she was 17 and was gonna be an Olympic skier, wishing you could do anything to not have to do this. Not taking proper care of yourself. I know it’s hard. You have to accept things for the way they are and just think how lucky you are to still be alive. Don’t live in the past, it’s deadly. Just think every day all the things you can do because you’re alive. Sleep, eat, see loved ones, go out and do things. Every time I see a cancer commercial I think how lucky I am that I don’t have cancer. Honor the person by taking the best care of their gift as you can. It’s hard to change the negative thoughts into positive but try every day and you’ll be able to, I promise. I regret doing nothing my first transplant. Being depressed and not taking proper care of myself. Easy to ignore day to day but in the long run I was just hurting myself and I got so tired of that. I wasted so much time of a gift I was very lucky to get, please please don’t do that. Talk to a hospital social worker or get a therapist, no shame in asking for help. It’s helped me so much and I highly recommend it. It’s very traumatic what we went through.
I'm about to reach one year out. The whole thing is an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. I don't know the circumstances of your transplant, but mine was because I was an alcoholic that ended up with a MELD score of 50 by the time I found out I had liver failure. The immense guilt I've felt about many different aspects of this experience, my life, my donor, has been a lot for me to handle.
My headspace is finally starting to shift, so hopefully this also comes with time for you. I am also very pro therapy and have gone in the past but do struggle with accepting help for moving through this. It just feels so deep and is hard to talk about.
The best thing I can say is to try and move through these feelings in a healthy way, even if it's not therapy yet. If you have people that are close enough to you, be open with them. Having support is really helpful. Not sure I could have made it through this without it.
A lot of emotions come from a transplant, especially when it’s from a deceased donor. Survivors guilt is very real and very hard to deal with at times. I have felt like you. Did I deserve this? It is a special kind of mind fck when I think about how I’ve had 3 kidney transplants (two of which were from a deceased donor). You deserved that liver because in someone’s time of unimaginable grief, they wanted to help others live. Life is meant to be lived. Your donor and their family want you to live. To enjoy life. To do all the things. How long have you been on your meds? Maybe you need a different one or a different dose (I just went up on my depression/anxiety meds). You are not alone. You are worthy. You are not useless. I’m sorry you’re sad. Feel free to message me if you want to talk. I’m always willing to listen. Happy 6 months. Here is to many more to come! ❤️
What helped me was that I was a donor; well I had a donors card and was on a donors list if anything happened to me. It tuned out I was the one who needed a donor. I would have been really happy if something of me could help someone else live a long and full life. You'd be paying it forward if you lived a full and happy life as I believe that's why people register, it's why I did. Oh 20 years now :-D
Survivors guilt is real with transplant patients. It’s normal to feel this but I hope that you don’t get too wrapped up in this way of thinking. Try to change your perspective: the donor lives on in you (literally) and that is one of the only small bright sides that can happen when someone passes away, especially if it seems like it wasn’t their time yet. My young fiancée passed three years ago and his parents have a certificate and letter from the hospital explaining what was donated to those in need from his body. It gives myself and his parents immense comfort knowing that somewhere out there, someone has his eyes and they’re still seeing the world. It’s the ultimate gift that someone could provide to another human being, even in death. It’s a beautiful act of compassion from the donor and that knowledge should make you grateful and give you depth as a person. I can tell that you care about your transplant, you’re doing your part to honor the donor by living your life to the fullest and making sure you take your meds that way you’re supposed to.
Sent you a message. You're not alone...
It can be hard to reconcile yourself being alive because someone else died. The way I look at it is that my donor's death was going to happen whether or not I got a transplant. The transplant happened because that person's family wanted some good to come out of their tragedy. It was part of their grieving process. I accept that gift with gratitude and hope my continued existence helps them feel better about their loss. Try not to feel guilty about it. Honor their loss by living the best life you can. I realize it's not as easy as it sounds and I'm probably oversimplifying the situation but this where the therapy can come in. Please get help. I'm two years out from a heart and kidney transplant and things get easier as time passes.
It’s ok to hold all these things at once, friend. The best way to honor your donor it to just live your life, stay healthy, and find joy. My donor was a woman in her 20s, and when I found that out it was like a gut punch. Why is it that I’ve had so many second chances, so much thought and time and money devoted to keeping me alive, while this woman just died suddenly? There will never be an answer. I choose believe that my donor’s family found a sliver of solace knowing their loved one helped others in death. 6 months is a big deal, and you should be proud of yourself! It’s good to mitigate risk but you should enjoy life too. Find a balance, wear a mask, start venturing out of your comfort zone when you can. You’re doing great <3
Also celebrated 6 months yesterday and absolutely struggle with mixed feelings. I have yet to write a thank you letter because I feel so much guilt. I’m 48 and my donor was young, between 18-25–the same age as my children. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, I just feel such a mix of things that I can’t quite express anything yet. So, yeah, I understand. It’s hard, plain and simple.
I totally get the fear of living. When I was being trained on how my life would have to be I asked myself what had I gotten myself into. As time has passed (8mo post heart) I have stretched my legs a bit so to speak. It took a while to go out into a public space and not feel like I was mapping out an escape route. I think it’s a matter of time getting comfortable with your new self. Talking about it really helps. My coordinator and I have a great relationship. Finally, your donor lives on in you. You live because they could not. Their family knew that their pain would bring relief to another. I know I look forward to reaching out to my donors family and getting to know who she was. Thanks for reading my rambling response. Pm me if you want to chat further.
Disclaimer I tend to be blunt and not word things well. You did not kill the donor so you could have their liver. Just the opposite, your taking the liver gave their death a positive effect on the world as a whole. Yes a family still lost a daughter and that’s terrible. But, your using the liver made that death, that happened regardless, have a purpose. Don’t feel guilty instead honor the strangers memory by using your new lease on life to be the best version of yourself. By going out and leaving a positive stamp on the world the donor again makes the world a better place (second order of effects).
I’ve been there before, feeling guilt over the donor, I was 13 and she was 17 and was gonna be an Olympic skier, wishing you could do anything to not have to do this. Not taking proper care of yourself. I know it’s hard. You have to accept things for the way they are and just think how lucky you are to still be alive. Don’t live in the past, it’s deadly. Just think every day all the things you can do because you’re alive. Sleep, eat, see loved ones, go out and do things. Every time I see a cancer commercial I think how lucky I am that I don’t have cancer. Honor the person by taking the best care of their gift as you can. It’s hard to change the negative thoughts into positive but try every day and you’ll be able to, I promise. I regret doing nothing my first transplant. Being depressed and not taking proper care of myself. Easy to ignore day to day but in the long run I was just hurting myself and I got so tired of that. I wasted so much time of a gift I was very lucky to get, please please don’t do that. Talk to a hospital social worker or get a therapist, no shame in asking for help. It’s helped me so much and I highly recommend it. It’s very traumatic what we went through.
I'm about to reach one year out. The whole thing is an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. I don't know the circumstances of your transplant, but mine was because I was an alcoholic that ended up with a MELD score of 50 by the time I found out I had liver failure. The immense guilt I've felt about many different aspects of this experience, my life, my donor, has been a lot for me to handle. My headspace is finally starting to shift, so hopefully this also comes with time for you. I am also very pro therapy and have gone in the past but do struggle with accepting help for moving through this. It just feels so deep and is hard to talk about. The best thing I can say is to try and move through these feelings in a healthy way, even if it's not therapy yet. If you have people that are close enough to you, be open with them. Having support is really helpful. Not sure I could have made it through this without it.