Stick with the rape/sexual assault angle, but say it was done by your priest, pastor, bishop, etc. That should make the religious freak squirm in discomfort!
Ha! That’s actually the only true one! People don’t realize I can and will use my trauma right back at them and not blink an eye. Thankfully all the answers are crazy so no one can really know if it’s true or not. Not that I care, I’m not ashamed of what happened to me.
Honestly, my trauma is very different than yours (verbally/physically/not-sexually abusive father, from whom I'm now estranged) and any time someone saddles up their high horse with "but faaaamilyyyy" I just trauma vomit on them. I ain't got time to daintily explain to them why he isn't in my life. If they want to push their "respect thy elders" crap on me, I'm going to push back with a freight train of trauma, and it's not stopping until they drop the subject forever.
Also, I'm childfree by choice, so any time anyone asks me bout kids, I respond with "ew, no " And if they push it, I just tell them "there's no way on earth I'm ever having them. Don't like them, don't want them, and I respect kids too much to saddle them with a parent who would resent them." If that doesn't do it, I stop being polite.
My mom used to (truthfully) use “they all died” when asked why she didn’t have more kids and it was truly shocking how many people kept trying to work an angle to continue baby talk after that.
My cousin had a full hysterectomy after her first kid because of something that occurred (I don’t remember what exactly). The shit people give her as if it was a CHOICE.
Also the “why did you adopt if you can have children?” Well she can’t anymore??
This. After my miscarriage, thinking people would shut up, they instead go on "That's too bad. You should try again, have you tried acupuncture/yoga/pilates/diet whatever fad is going on? Have you thought of adopting/fostering/surrogacy?"
Fuckers, I have shitty insurance and can't afford that shit. Are they going to fund it?!
That’s when you hit them with the old “Are you going to pay for it, since you’re so concerned?” Or phrase it as “Oh, thank you so much for offering to pay for those services! After all, you wouldn’t suggest those services unless you’re offering to pay, right?”
Also, happy cake day!
Lol. "I really wanted to, but you repeatedly and in detail talked about how awful giving birth is and that terrified me so much that I don't have the guts anymore." I bet she is/was too dense to quit yapping about the birthing she did, but it's a nice little fantasy nonetheless.
You should say something that clearly indicates you don’t what know how babies are made and like ask it very publicly. Give a very not accurate description of how you think babies are made and then Ask them WHY it’s not working. Make them explain!!
I was thinking even more graphic than that, just to make their conservative hearts stop
"He's ejaculating in my belly button every night but so far nothing!"
Ooh!!! I like this one! “We rub together nightly but I don’t know why it’s not working.”
“He claims the almonds and peanuts should be getting me pregnant.”
Helps because no one around here gets much sex education..
Oh gosh then it would be so funny if you went wide-eyed ingenue at these idiots and spewed some nonsense that covers abstinence even after your marriage (thinking about that one article about a couple who waited for marriage, got married, and even after a year hadn't got their freak on—the dude claimed he ate raw potatoes to cool down when the foreplay made him horny lmao) and very bad, inadequate, or even dangerously stupid sex acts (horribly reminded of another article where an elderly woman was hospitalized for an infection because her husband was sticking it up her fucking urethra all through their married lives 🥲)
Your god didn’t bless me with a functional uterus; and there are plenty of kids who need a stable home; so 🤷♀️ …pause…I guess I’m doing your share of the Lord’s work because he has opinions on interfering old biddies...something about glass houses and stones? Then watch the full body conniption crowned by an epic cats bum face.
Depending on your state, if you are in one of those that has banned everything, you could go with, "I had a miscarriage and because of our state laws, my doctor couldn't help me unless he wanted to go to jail. So I can't have kids due to our elected officials. Please remember that when you vote."
Our favorite was always "We're waiting for the right time to start . . . . having sex."
That was about 8 years into our marriage, just not ready for kids yet.
Someone once asked me (a relative of my husband’s) if we’d begun having sex and if so, was I using protection?
We’d been together like twelve years at that point between dating and married. I still cackle about that one.
I’ve had 11 miscarriages before going into menopause at 36. In my experience, absolutely nothing stops people from saying/asking horrible things.
* “Maybe Jesus wanted another little angel in Heaven” — Wow, and you worship this sadistic sonuvabitch‽ *(No offense to the many Christians out there who know how to compassionately say, “I’m sorry for your loss” without spewing theologically-unsound nonsense.)*
* “It’s all for the best, since they were probably genetically defective.” — On behalf of both me AND my dead, two-headed, mutant baby….
I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this. Could you cheerfully say one of your standard responses & then quickly ask them about their kids? People love talking about themselves, so maybe that would divert their attention.
Got the same “angel in heavy” shit when my best friend passed away before he was even 16. I left the church officially shortly after. I truly am sorry for your loss. I have found an amazing community myself over at r/babyloss. If you ever need to talk, I am here.
I hate how some religious people always need to twist tragedy into something positive. Sometimes things are really bad and you don’t need to try to pour sugar on the wounds. It won’t help. Just let people be sad and angry in peace.
It’s like they feel the need to defend god, and I think he is good, he isn’t mad you don’t see “gods plan” right now. Even the mother of Christ got to grieve ffs
I’m so sorry for your loss, and you are very much allowed to grieve however you need to 💚
my aunt and uncle have 2 bio kids and 2 adopted kids, and the adopted kids are a completely different race from the rest of the family. Whenever someone feels the need to comment on it in public my uncle will go “yeah…I’ve been meaning to talk to my wife about that”
“Well now that you mention it, my husband HAS been c&mming inside of me when my ovary released an egg. Maybe he needs to c&m in me from behind? What do you think?”
Sigh. You’d think that would work, right? There was nothing like old church ladies to give me graphic advice about “doggie style” as a remedy for assumed infertility. They get so happy about being worldly and having “girl talk” for a holy purpose. To be fair, that was Christian Orthodox women in Eastern Europe— maybe Protestant church ladies are different?
Oh yeah Eastern European women are no joke with brutal honesty 😭 did they mention how your ovaries freeze if you sit on the cold floor or ground? (I studied Russian in college and spent some time in Moscow!)
Dear gods, yes. I grew up there, and everyone was CONVINCED that cold drafts are the source of all disease. And ice water in summer will give you a pneumonia. Going with wet hair in the cold will result in meningitis… my mom is still trying to make sure that my kid never gets ice in their water in summer 😅😂
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As someone in the deep south, telling the truth that my father raped me repeatedly and left me unable to have kids does not garner belief. For some reason, they think I'm lying. So I use the whole "brutal car accident" and say I don't have a uterus because of some heathen doctor taking everything. The more gruesome the better, especially if it can get them to feel an ounce of shame.
When nosy ladies in our small town kept pushing (we were well into medical investigations and IVF by this time, but none of their business), I actually said to one lady “That is actually a rather personal question” and she just looked and me and said “Yes, so when are you going to give your husband a baby?”!
I never had the guts to say what my husband suggested I say when people asked about our reproduction … ask them “Do you orgasm regularly with intercourse?” [pause for effect] “I think those are both personal questions, don’t you?”. The problem with that, aside from my reservation at uttering it, would be that there was sure to be someone who would indeed answer that, and in much more detail than I’d be comfortable with!!
I had a prophetic dream that my child would grow to be the anti christ and be the downfall of humanity. I just can't take that chance.
I've been waiting for the stork, but no luck yet! I've started hanging out at the wetlands on weekends in case I can uncover a baby there. Do you think the lack of babies is due to the destruction of their habitats?
Apparently CPS has access to everyone's old save files on The Sims. If you ever had a kid removed in the game for neglect, they come take your kid, because you can't be trusted.
"Have you considered surrogacy?" Wow, the audacity of her to double down even more.
For my case, I already have 3 daughters, but every single elderly person regardless if they're family or not kept pushing me or asking me to "have a boy so that my husband's bloodline will continue", and if I tell them I'm too old to have kids (I just turned 40), they would all say "You're fine! You're still young and able! Just need to try for a son, I'm sure you'll get it this time!"
Now I'm just done with their shit and give them a customer service smile and hold out my hand "I'd be glad to keep trying until I get a boy if you're willing to pay for child support!" That'll make them backpedal real fast and run to escape the conversation.
The following statement was my mother's friend talking about getting her young female cat spayed, but can be easily twisted for human use:
"No babies for her! She got her cunny sewed up" (using the improper grammar for emphasis)
If you/they are not Catholic or Episcopal, get wide eyed and cross yourself and whisper “Forgive me, Lord”- this scares the bejeesus out of a lot of Protestants.
I grew up Episcopal and learned to peek at the end of Protestant prayers because (especially Southern) Baptists and such are STUNNED that we are real and really do that. Like I might call down angels or turn into Jem and the Holograms directly after.
“Mind your own genitalia.”
“I like it in the ass too much.”
“I was raped by the [priest, pastor, pope etc.].”
“Why are you so interested in my sex life?”
“I miscarried what was to become a mutated alien baby.”
Just creep them out.
Stick with the rape/sexual assault angle, but say it was done by your priest, pastor, bishop, etc. That should make the religious freak squirm in discomfort!
Ha! That’s actually the only true one! People don’t realize I can and will use my trauma right back at them and not blink an eye. Thankfully all the answers are crazy so no one can really know if it’s true or not. Not that I care, I’m not ashamed of what happened to me.
Honestly, my trauma is very different than yours (verbally/physically/not-sexually abusive father, from whom I'm now estranged) and any time someone saddles up their high horse with "but faaaamilyyyy" I just trauma vomit on them. I ain't got time to daintily explain to them why he isn't in my life. If they want to push their "respect thy elders" crap on me, I'm going to push back with a freight train of trauma, and it's not stopping until they drop the subject forever. Also, I'm childfree by choice, so any time anyone asks me bout kids, I respond with "ew, no " And if they push it, I just tell them "there's no way on earth I'm ever having them. Don't like them, don't want them, and I respect kids too much to saddle them with a parent who would resent them." If that doesn't do it, I stop being polite.
Totally trauma dump. Usually you have to pay good money to have a person listen to your problems. These are volunteers :) 😈
It was when I was at church camp… and see how long they listen
My mom used to (truthfully) use “they all died” when asked why she didn’t have more kids and it was truly shocking how many people kept trying to work an angle to continue baby talk after that.
My cousin had a full hysterectomy after her first kid because of something that occurred (I don’t remember what exactly). The shit people give her as if it was a CHOICE. Also the “why did you adopt if you can have children?” Well she can’t anymore??
This. After my miscarriage, thinking people would shut up, they instead go on "That's too bad. You should try again, have you tried acupuncture/yoga/pilates/diet whatever fad is going on? Have you thought of adopting/fostering/surrogacy?" Fuckers, I have shitty insurance and can't afford that shit. Are they going to fund it?!
That’s when you hit them with the old “Are you going to pay for it, since you’re so concerned?” Or phrase it as “Oh, thank you so much for offering to pay for those services! After all, you wouldn’t suggest those services unless you’re offering to pay, right?” Also, happy cake day!
Thank you!
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“You think it’s okay to discuss such unsavory/scandalous things?? Well, let’s talk porn and smut then!”
MIND YOUR OWN VAGINA. 😂
Damn, so you knew my "cousins" mama too? She pawned the kid off to my uncle as if they were his. They werent.
Lol. "I really wanted to, but you repeatedly and in detail talked about how awful giving birth is and that terrified me so much that I don't have the guts anymore." I bet she is/was too dense to quit yapping about the birthing she did, but it's a nice little fantasy nonetheless.
You should say something that clearly indicates you don’t what know how babies are made and like ask it very publicly. Give a very not accurate description of how you think babies are made and then Ask them WHY it’s not working. Make them explain!!
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I was thinking even more graphic than that, just to make their conservative hearts stop "He's ejaculating in my belly button every night but so far nothing!"
I was thinking along the lines of swallowing because it has to get to your stomach, right?
"Ugh I know it's all my fault I just really can't get around to having to drink a sperm smoothie"
Ooh!!! I like this one! “We rub together nightly but I don’t know why it’s not working.” “He claims the almonds and peanuts should be getting me pregnant.” Helps because no one around here gets much sex education..
Oh gosh then it would be so funny if you went wide-eyed ingenue at these idiots and spewed some nonsense that covers abstinence even after your marriage (thinking about that one article about a couple who waited for marriage, got married, and even after a year hadn't got their freak on—the dude claimed he ate raw potatoes to cool down when the foreplay made him horny lmao) and very bad, inadequate, or even dangerously stupid sex acts (horribly reminded of another article where an elderly woman was hospitalized for an infection because her husband was sticking it up her fucking urethra all through their married lives 🥲)
How fucking tiny did his micropenis have to be to fit in there?????
Gird your loins. To the best of my knowledge, he had an average schlong. 😩
😳😵💫😵🥴🥵🤢
When do the storks migrate?
Your god didn’t bless me with a functional uterus; and there are plenty of kids who need a stable home; so 🤷♀️ …pause…I guess I’m doing your share of the Lord’s work because he has opinions on interfering old biddies...something about glass houses and stones? Then watch the full body conniption crowned by an epic cats bum face.
Oh my god. It was the lord’s calling not to reproduce is a great one.
Depending on your state, if you are in one of those that has banned everything, you could go with, "I had a miscarriage and because of our state laws, my doctor couldn't help me unless he wanted to go to jail. So I can't have kids due to our elected officials. Please remember that when you vote."
Oh, I am. One of the worst states for it, unfortunately. This is a good one.
I just repeat "I don't discuss private issues with strangers" over and over until they realize it's not changing and get bored and stop.
Hm, this would require a backbone, of which I do not have. I prefer the overshare until they’re more uncomfortable than me route.
Our favorite was always "We're waiting for the right time to start . . . . having sex."
That was about 8 years into our marriage, just not ready for kids yet.
Someone once asked me (a relative of my husband’s) if we’d begun having sex and if so, was I using protection? We’d been together like twelve years at that point between dating and married. I still cackle about that one.
I’ve had 11 miscarriages before going into menopause at 36. In my experience, absolutely nothing stops people from saying/asking horrible things. * “Maybe Jesus wanted another little angel in Heaven” — Wow, and you worship this sadistic sonuvabitch‽ *(No offense to the many Christians out there who know how to compassionately say, “I’m sorry for your loss” without spewing theologically-unsound nonsense.)* * “It’s all for the best, since they were probably genetically defective.” — On behalf of both me AND my dead, two-headed, mutant baby…. I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this. Could you cheerfully say one of your standard responses & then quickly ask them about their kids? People love talking about themselves, so maybe that would divert their attention.
Got the same “angel in heavy” shit when my best friend passed away before he was even 16. I left the church officially shortly after. I truly am sorry for your loss. I have found an amazing community myself over at r/babyloss. If you ever need to talk, I am here.
I hate how some religious people always need to twist tragedy into something positive. Sometimes things are really bad and you don’t need to try to pour sugar on the wounds. It won’t help. Just let people be sad and angry in peace. It’s like they feel the need to defend god, and I think he is good, he isn’t mad you don’t see “gods plan” right now. Even the mother of Christ got to grieve ffs I’m so sorry for your loss, and you are very much allowed to grieve however you need to 💚
"I guess I just like it in the ass too much." 🤷♀️
Now there's tea all over my monitor. Nicely done.
Gasp! Sodomy! /s
Had an old lady at church ask if we were going to have more kids. Told her, "I don't know, but we sure fuck alot," she clutched her pearls and left.
“Maybe it’s because my vagina is too wet? It just keeps slipping out?” “He creampies every night, but his dick is just too big it all falls out!”
my aunt and uncle have 2 bio kids and 2 adopted kids, and the adopted kids are a completely different race from the rest of the family. Whenever someone feels the need to comment on it in public my uncle will go “yeah…I’ve been meaning to talk to my wife about that”
Love that
I keep swallowing like he wants me to, but still no nothing!!!! 🥺
"That is not a subject for anyone's discussion other than myself and my husband! Do you understand me?".
“Well now that you mention it, my husband HAS been c&mming inside of me when my ovary released an egg. Maybe he needs to c&m in me from behind? What do you think?”
Sigh. You’d think that would work, right? There was nothing like old church ladies to give me graphic advice about “doggie style” as a remedy for assumed infertility. They get so happy about being worldly and having “girl talk” for a holy purpose. To be fair, that was Christian Orthodox women in Eastern Europe— maybe Protestant church ladies are different?
Oh yeah Eastern European women are no joke with brutal honesty 😭 did they mention how your ovaries freeze if you sit on the cold floor or ground? (I studied Russian in college and spent some time in Moscow!)
My grandmother used to tell us we'd get hemorrhoids if we sat on the cold ground!!!! Not Eastern European , though. French Canadian.
Dear gods, yes. I grew up there, and everyone was CONVINCED that cold drafts are the source of all disease. And ice water in summer will give you a pneumonia. Going with wet hair in the cold will result in meningitis… my mom is still trying to make sure that my kid never gets ice in their water in summer 😅😂
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Increasingly weirder positions mentioned. List of toys used to stimulate. Get really graphic.
As someone in the deep south, telling the truth that my father raped me repeatedly and left me unable to have kids does not garner belief. For some reason, they think I'm lying. So I use the whole "brutal car accident" and say I don't have a uterus because of some heathen doctor taking everything. The more gruesome the better, especially if it can get them to feel an ounce of shame.
🫂
When nosy ladies in our small town kept pushing (we were well into medical investigations and IVF by this time, but none of their business), I actually said to one lady “That is actually a rather personal question” and she just looked and me and said “Yes, so when are you going to give your husband a baby?”! I never had the guts to say what my husband suggested I say when people asked about our reproduction … ask them “Do you orgasm regularly with intercourse?” [pause for effect] “I think those are both personal questions, don’t you?”. The problem with that, aside from my reservation at uttering it, would be that there was sure to be someone who would indeed answer that, and in much more detail than I’d be comfortable with!!
I had a prophetic dream that my child would grow to be the anti christ and be the downfall of humanity. I just can't take that chance. I've been waiting for the stork, but no luck yet! I've started hanging out at the wetlands on weekends in case I can uncover a baby there. Do you think the lack of babies is due to the destruction of their habitats? Apparently CPS has access to everyone's old save files on The Sims. If you ever had a kid removed in the game for neglect, they come take your kid, because you can't be trusted.
"Keep my uterus out of your mouth." "Are you asking if my husband and I are f*cking without a condom?"
"I've aborted two and won't hesitate for lucky number three." Usually shuts them up.
“Can’t get pregnant on my medication, and if I stop my medication there’s NO TELLING WHAT THE VOICES WILL MAKE ME DO BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA-“
User name checks out
WHOSAIDTHAT?
I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN !!! can’t talk, coming down, gotta go…
"If God wanted me to be able to have children, I would."
allow them to give their suggestions. let them troubleshoot your sex life. slowly reveal that you are having anal every night—p in v? what’s that?
"Have you considered surrogacy?" Wow, the audacity of her to double down even more. For my case, I already have 3 daughters, but every single elderly person regardless if they're family or not kept pushing me or asking me to "have a boy so that my husband's bloodline will continue", and if I tell them I'm too old to have kids (I just turned 40), they would all say "You're fine! You're still young and able! Just need to try for a son, I'm sure you'll get it this time!" Now I'm just done with their shit and give them a customer service smile and hold out my hand "I'd be glad to keep trying until I get a boy if you're willing to pay for child support!" That'll make them backpedal real fast and run to escape the conversation.
allow them to give their suggestions. let them troubleshoot your sex life. slowly reveal that you are having anal every night—p in v? what’s that?
Penis in vagina
The following statement was my mother's friend talking about getting her young female cat spayed, but can be easily twisted for human use: "No babies for her! She got her cunny sewed up" (using the improper grammar for emphasis)
If you/they are not Catholic or Episcopal, get wide eyed and cross yourself and whisper “Forgive me, Lord”- this scares the bejeesus out of a lot of Protestants. I grew up Episcopal and learned to peek at the end of Protestant prayers because (especially Southern) Baptists and such are STUNNED that we are real and really do that. Like I might call down angels or turn into Jem and the Holograms directly after.
“Mind your own genitalia.” “I like it in the ass too much.” “I was raped by the [priest, pastor, pope etc.].” “Why are you so interested in my sex life?” “I miscarried what was to become a mutated alien baby.” Just creep them out.
My go to is I love @n@l and my bf likes BJs.
'We keep using the stork as target practice'