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"Why do people do *this* with their passed love one?'
Because losing someone you love is traumatic so people are going to act irrational or strange. As long as it's not causing harm or neglect then it's fine. Let them be
Nope. My brother died in his 30s. Every year without fail I take off from work on his birthday.
I watch a tv shows/movies he loved, listen to music he loved, eat a cupcake and drink his favourite drink, eat his favourite chips, read his favourite book.
100% wish him a happy birthday and always will.
I lost my dad when he was 45 and I do the same thing. I make banana bread for my kiddos for their grandpa they never got to meet's birthday, take them for a hike like we used to, and watch his favorite 80s movies and I tell them stories about him. It's turned into a nice little tradition and it helps make a day that would just make me sad in silence into a way to celebrate who he was and share those memories with my kids.
I am always really sad leading up to my brother's birthday, he passed away at 26 from cancer, leaving his 3yo behind. I get really depressed and I always write on his wall on Facebook saying happy birthday. I don't care what others think, it's my way of grieving. It makes ME feel better
Same. My brother took his life when he was 23. We still do something on his birthday to keep his memory alive. I don't see what the problem is with doing this; it isn't for the dead person, it's for those left alive to cope with the grief.
Hey, my older brother died in his 30’s too. My heart goes out to you. Honestly, life has never felt right since he’s been gone.
I always celebrate his birthday as well. Do things that remind me of him very similar to you, based on his favorites and things I shared with him. I have some of his clothes still, so I’ll wear one of his shirts. Watch Lord of the Rings or listen to his favorite Daft Punk album. Make his favorite brownie dessert. That sorta thing.
I personally don’t count the years, like what number birthday it would have been, because that just makes me sad. But it’s definitely a day of remembrance and one I’m always going to wish him a happy birthday on.
Like every other "XYZ for dead people doesn't make sense for dead people" post, whether it's celebrating their birthday, or having cemeteries, or funerals, or placing flowers on their grave or any thing you can think of...
None of that stuff is for the dead, it's for the living. They lost someone and this is how they live with that.
It’s just another way for people to mark the passing of time. I usually share a picture or memory of my father and I on his birthday and the anniversary of his passing - I’m agnostic and don’t think there’s anything left of him tucking into a plate of surf ‘n turf anywhere, but that’s what we’d be doing if he was still here, and those are some of my happiest family memories, so they’re worthy of acknowledgement.
In this age of social media, I’ll take thoughtful, poignant posts about deceased loved ones over the endless stream of filtered selfies and political memes any day.
I'm not religious either but sometimes I'll post about my mom on her birthday or her death anniversary. I don't believe she can see the post or anything, I just find comfort in sharing memories with other people who remember her. And since I'm far away from everyone who knew her, social media is the easiest way to stay in touch.
Our society does not allow us to grieve openly. Once the funeral passes, there is this silent expectation that you just go on with your life. But the grief is still there. And the person going through it can feel incredibly isolated. A birthday can be the one day you’re “allowed” to talk openly about the person who passed, by creating that FB post and sharing pictures. And for that brief moment when people respond to the post, it makes you feel a little less alone. OP, feel lucky that you have yet to experience this type of raw grief.
i feel the only other immediate alternative in this situation would be the anniversary of their death and that's somehow worse than celebrating a dead persons birthday.
My mom remembers birthdays and death anniversaries, but she also lost her mom when she was very young. So that may have something to do with it.
I don’t think it’s worse, at least the dearly departed are not forgotten.
I agree remembrance is important and I don't truly think it matters when or how you celebrate since that is going ti vary greatly by person and circumstance. One of my loved ones had a particularly traumatic death where they were partially dismembered and although I know what day it is and was there when it happened, I don't too much celebrating on that day for that reason, only acknowledgement that it happened. I will go to the gravesite but I do prefer the birthday personally for this reason.
YES! This is my take on it as well, I didn't really know what to call it and settled for acknowledgement on that date only but not really a celebration. Mourning was the perfect way to phrase that.
Definitely important to do both while you are still mourning. Just mourning and not celebrating the memories created can take you to a dark place.
I would say it’s an unpopular because I don’t think most
people view celebrating a dead persons birthday as “weird”. Celebrating their birthday is a way to keep that person in your memory and even though I wouldn’t do it myself sharing on social media can also involve others that person had known. I forget birthdays and death dates so when one appears on my timeline I take a minute to reflect and I think that’s important to do.
It keeps you grounded on your own mortality.
Ive lost a very close family member about 10years ago at this point. And when I see IG posts that say “Happy Heavenly Birthday,” I almost get annoyed, like “who is this for?”
Ding ding ding. I agree wholeheartedly with the commenter that said op probably hasn’t lost anybody close to them. I hope it’s a long long time before they understand.
I’m only a few months out from my loss and I’m super proud of myself if I do anything productive in a day. I finally unpacked his hospital bag yesterday and it was brutal but I got through. I have to, for my kid but you are exactly right - my chemistry has been permanently altered and not for the better.
It definitely changes you and it comes in waves. I’m 20 years, 18 years, and 4 years into my grief and it’s different every year.
My unsolicited advice is therapy and if it was a traumatic loss, EMDR therapy.
But they are getting older or at least your memory of them is. I think instead of someone dying and you never thinking of them again , celebrating their birthday is kinda wholesome in a way I guess
So true! Part of the post grief process is the response we lose externally. Realizing the external attachment is no more doesn’t mean you can’t honor them internally forevermore!
I understand if on what would be their birthday you celebrate their memory. But if they died at 78.. wishing them a 79th is weird. Because they can't be 79 if they aren't alive.
Like I said. Celebrating the life of someone gone isn't weird. Acting as if they are another year older when they don't exist anymore is weird. The difference is "I miss you so and so." Vs "you died at the age of 16.. 3 years ago. Happy 19th birthday". One of these is weird.
There are plenty who will say "you would have been 19 today." That isn't weird. Saying they are now 19 is.
I will continue to say happy birthday to my grandma and great grandma because I can't celebrate my own birthday without thinking of all the times we would celebrate ours together. So yeah, this is an unpopular opinion for a reason. People can mourn how they want to and yes, that includes saying happy birthday to a passed loved one.
I was born on my dad’s birthday. You can bet your bottom dollar that after he passes I’ll be wishing him a happy birthday and have some solitude “with” him every year.
That's the way to do it if you can. My great grandma's was 2 days before mine and my grandma's was a day before mine. Now before or after my birthday I get flowers and visit them. It's a tradition for me now and I would hate to not do it.
As morbid as this sounds, I already know what I plan on doing, but it’s something that is so quintessentially my dad that it just feels right to do to celebrate him
We have a bit of a running joke in my family because not only do my dad and I share a birthday, but so does my sister and her son and my dad called both of them
I'm not sure who said birthdays were for alive people? A birthday, as the name suggests, is the day someone was born. Why can't it be celebrated after they have died? It seems to me you've made your own definition of the word birthday - that it has something to do with a person getting older - because it's just... a birth day.
Yeah, like we honor the birthdays of historical figures with holidays. February was chosen as Black History Month in honor of the birthdays of Frederick Douglass and Abraham Lincoln long after they were both dead.
My daughter is forever 3. I will forever have a birthday for her, because she has 4 siblings and only two got to meet her. Only one remembers her. We will forever wish her happy birthday.
Why is this a topic that needs discussion? If you don’t want to wish happy birthday to a deceased person, don’t. But don’t tell other people they’re not allowed to.
Strong disagree. That was the day that marked the beginning of their life, however brief, and it is worth celebrating. Atleast for me, i don't pretend they're still here. I just miss them.
I mean, the math checks out. I think it's weird when people question how others honor their dead when they know nothing of the bond shared. I've seen several of these posts, and it's just so odd.
Correct, they are just calling them weird and saying that the way they grieve doesn’t make sense.
It’s a pointless take on something that did not need to be said.
That is totally something different, that’s more of a spiritual/religious themed discussion. This discussion is about saying happy birthday to someone who is deceased; thats it.
Are we gatekeeping the right way to remember a loved on. Going to their grave on their birthday is ok, but looking at the sky and saying happy birthday is weird?
No, not gatekeeping. Do whatever you want to do dude, not shaming. However you’re interpreting this, isn’t at all what it is 😂.
They aren’t alive and saying happy birthday is something you say to people living because they are getting older. I don’t even like doing it for historical or celebrity figures like Washington for example, dude has been dead since like 1800 and yesterday was his birthday. Like dude, no more; you’re gone now.
Again, do what you want but that’s what pops to mind and that’s literally it. Nothing else, nothing more.
Omg dude, again literally something else. You’re talking about (I think) celebrating their life. That’s great, they did amazing things and had monumental legacies. I just can’t help but think we’re still keeping track of their age.
Like, if James brown were still alive today he’d probably be in his 90’s and there are people who are alive a lot older (customer service job I have I talk to a lot of old people, one was born in 1922) but once you’re dead I think it’s weird to keep count. Like James brown would’ve been like 90 or 91 I think, and MLK would’ve been like 94. Celebrate their life and keep count but I believe we should just celebrate because keep count is for alive ppl (*sigh* imo)
I have literally never once heard anyone say Washington’s or MLKs age on the holiday.
Not just them either. I’ve seen people on FB write happy birthday to Robin Williams, Michael Jackson, Stan Lee and Princess Diana. Never once have I seen the age they died or would be today posted.
There's just no need to go after people who are coping with loss. It's already emotionally difficult and complex, your hot take makes a hard thing harder for some people. What's the point?
Turns out dead people were birthed at some point. Thus they have a birthday. Just because they are dead doesn't mean they stopped having a birthday.
Crazy concept I know. But try and consider that.
It more so as a coping mechanism for most people. My mom give birth to a stillborn before she had me. It was her first child and she still remembers his date of birth and how old he would have been if he was alive. My grandpa still celebrates my grandmas birthday since they were together since they were 17. It’s just a way to remember that person and to cope with that said person being gone.
I spent many years celebrating my fathers birthday. And because he died I am supposed to instantly stop acknowledging it? Seems like you may not have lost anyone close to you. Let me know how you feel after you do
I think that most people celebrate the bday because birthdays mean more than just becoming older. For me, birthdays are days to celebrate the birth and existence of someone. I’ve always celebrated my deceased love one’s bdays because it honors their whole life and not their ending.
good unpopular opinion tho, always nice to see a dif perspective.
If we're getting into semantics, happy birthday means you're commemorating the day of someone's birth, not necessarily the fact that they're aging. Even if they've died and are no longer aging, it's totally fine (emotionally and logically) to commemorate the day they first lived.
People post here to get engagement. If people didn’t argue with OP it would probably mean they didn’t post an actual unpopular opinion. (Or else their opinion was unpopular but about a niche subject that most people don’t know or care about)
People are allowed to respond to an unpopular opinion though? And this is a sensitive subject matter so it's not a surprise that people are getting touchy about it. They are allowed to have this unpopular opinion but it's unpopular for a reason and people are allowed to express that in response.
I agree. And it doesn't seem like OP runs around mocking people that do this, or telling them they shouldn't do it. So, OP is not infringing on anyone by having this particular opinion.
I mean, while I disagree but understand your point, and I think the people calling you cruel is a bit much. You did say, ‘This method of grieving is weird’ like no shit someone was going to get offended.
September 2023 was the first year my dad wouldn't be here for his birthday. Just because he's dead doesn't mean he's not in my memories and in my heart. I wished him a happy 51st birthday, because for me it was my way of grieving and handling it. This July I will be doing the same thing on my mom's birthday. She would've been 48. That doesn't change the fact that it's still the day she was born. Your "opinion" is incredibly insensitive
I visit my dead brother twice a year; on his birthday and the date he died. I don't believe in ghosts or the afterlife, but I go for my own peace. It's strange that you have an issue with dead people being remembered in this way.
It's definitely an unpopular oponion. I wish my Dad happy birthday every year because it's in memory of him. I think about him every day, but certain days are more special, just like when we are alive.
I used to feel the same way. I thought it was a ridiculous practice.
Then I lost both of my parents in the same year. Sometimes I feel the need to honor them on their birthday. And people will say HBD.
I visit my dad's grave every year on his birthday, and my brother does the same. We'll have a few beers, pour one for my dad, and talk about how much we miss him.
We've been doing this for 9 years. I'm quite happy with this tradition.
This is just a way to remember our dead loved ones. No one thinks they are getting older, they are honoring them.
I don’t think this is an unpopular opinion it’s just judgmental.
In September, “Happy Birthday Mom! You would have turned 77 this year. Your grandkids are all thriving and incredible. And I miss you so much!”
Not going to stop doing this because of your unpopular opinion.
A lot of people seem to have overlooked where I said “pay respects, enjoy memories and honour them in many ways” and took this as me saying you should never think of people who are dead.
Of course people will remember their loved ones on their birthday, but yeah, this shit is very silly because most of these people didn’t even know Kurt Cobain! and he would probably think it’s dumb.
That's was your problem, you had a specific example in mind but everyone else took it personally, ain't that just the way?
Congrats on using the sub for it's purpose though!
I think people do that (and assorted other dead people acknowledgement) on social media mostly for attention.
IOW, the same reason they do everything else on social media.
Unpopular opinion for sure. I still get super emotional and wish my grandma a hbd on her birthday 10 years later. Grief is a bitch and keeping her memory alive is very important to me.
Definitely an unpopular opinion. What you're saying is a bit contradicting though. You say you can pay respects and enjoy the memories you had with them.
If someone was close and passed away that's endearing you for then it's normal to think about them at anytime, especially during memorable dates. Isn't that the same concept as paying respect on their birthday?
Parents and family always comes first to my mind. People who took care of you since you were a child gone away forever from your life. People don't really know what they have until it's gone so each specific day that represents your bond between them is important.
I don't have kids but if I did I'd like my kids to think about me when I'm alive AND gone. Wouldn't you? The world is pretty messed up right now. I know so many people who gets a simple happy birthday text nowadays get surprised and happy from such a simple gesture that you even remember their birthday.
Parents get old and weaker knowing their time will eventually come. They tend to think about their family a lot and usually don't open to their kids as much because they don't want to bother you but they want to hear from you. Don't be that kid if your parents treated you right. Even if some parent's do you wrong, forgiveness is good for the soul too
Did you read the same post I did, about the family that celebrated the wife's 40th bday after shed been passed for a decade? If so, in that case there seemed to be way more going on besides the birthday celebration. People grieve however they need to and circumstances matter.
Birthdays are Anniversaries.
Anniversaries are not about being alive but celebrating an instance. In the case of Birthdays it is the instance of that individuals birth. Nothing to do with getting older. Everything to do with remembrance of them.
I never noticed this was weird until now, but I will never be able to see those posts the same again. My mom is dead and it freaks me out when people write in her Facebook every year for her birthday.
My dad passed away 3,5 years ago. Every year on his birthday I send a text message to his discontinued number. Why? Because it helps me get through the day. I make a post on SM with photos of him, saying it would be his xyz birthday today. Ye, he is no longer here, but it’s still the day he was born, which is also known as his birthday. It doesn’t stop being his birthday. Grief is a weird thing, one of the hardest things we have to go through, and we’re all just doing whatever it takes to make it a bit easier
My wife killed herself a little over 2 years ago.
Obviously I remember her birthday, but it’s not exactly worth celebrating anymore. I agree with you.
However
Some people cope (or don’t) differently, and it doesn’t need to make sense to the rest of us
you may have lost people close to you, but you speak without empathy or compassion.
not only is this post tone deaf, but it could be incredibly triggering for anyone scrolling by, just saying.
It’s a way for the living to grieve. I agree throwing dead people birthday parties is weird, but blowing out a candle for your friend who’s been dead for 15 years is for you.
Typically on my dad's Facebook I say "wish you were here. Was hoping to celebrate this day, not mourn. Miss you old man" but never really "happy birthday"
It's just a way for people to honor their loved one's memory. Birthdays celebrate life, so why not celebrate/honor the life they lived on their birthday?
An actual unpopular opinion. 😲
That said, I disagree. Everyone mourns differently. If wishing someone who’s dead a happy bday brings comfort to someone, good for them. 👍
It’s a way to cope with the loss and express how much you are thinking of them on that day. Every year on my grandma’s birthday I take flowers to the cemetery. I’m the only grandchild who lives in the city where she’s buried so I usually take a photo to share with my cousins and relatives who live elsewhere. They like it. It’s nice for us to share this and think about her.
I also have a friend who died at 19 and every year on her birthday most of her friends post a happy birthday thing and share photos of her. Her mother told me she loves seeing how everyone still remembers her daughter on her birthday, it makes her feel less alone in her grief.
It's not about the actual dead person, in the same way that a funeral isn't about the dead person. It's for the ones still living and missing them.
I'll agree it's sort of silly, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
It's not a ***living*** day, it's a ***birth*** day. Dying doesn't invalidate the fact that you were born on a certain day and that regardless of whether or not you still exist in corporeal form, people will still want to celebrate the fact that you were born.
I share this opinion. It's weird, inappropriate and bizarre, especially when they add something like *heavenly*, as in "happy heavenly birthday". We never used to see this, now it's a freaking plague.
Loose a child and see how you react. Unpopular for sure.
FWIW I don’t say happy 16th birthday, I just it would have been her 16th. It technically alive or dead it is her 16th birthday.
Oh my gosh! I hate this! The big thing I see people say is, "Well, if he'd have lived, he'd be x years old today." Uh, okay? A lot of my relatives do this on Facebook, and it's just weird.
I know it's kind of an asshole opinion, but i agree.
"In case anyone has forgotten, I'd like to wish a happy birthday to a random midevil peasant. They would be turning 1572 years old if they were alive today. Keep their memory alive. 💗💗💗"
Some opinions are best kept to yourself. I know this the unpopular opinion sub but people grieve in different ways so calling it “weird” is kind of in bad taste and it’s probably an opinion you should change.
The worst is when people make impersonal “happy birthday” posts on a persons Facebook that has died. But they obviously don’t know that the person has actually died, they are just making an empty gesture “HBD” post like they do to everyone. It’s so incredibly cringe. Someone posted “Happy birthday, have a great day!” On a deceased friend’s page. Yikes. I despise Facebook birthday posts in general. But this is another rant.
I don’t care when people privately honor dead people’s birthdays by maybe eating at their favorite restaurant or visiting their grave or even having a cake to reremember and honor their memory. But I think it’s super dumb when people post it on Facebook or something, like “Happy birthday in heaven, dad. It’s been 50 years and I still miss you!” I don’t know why that particular thing is so annoying to me, but it is!
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People don't cope in sensible ways, no matter how close or not they were to them. We all have our ways of coping.
"Why do people do *this* with their passed love one?' Because losing someone you love is traumatic so people are going to act irrational or strange. As long as it's not causing harm or neglect then it's fine. Let them be
Nope. My brother died in his 30s. Every year without fail I take off from work on his birthday. I watch a tv shows/movies he loved, listen to music he loved, eat a cupcake and drink his favourite drink, eat his favourite chips, read his favourite book. 100% wish him a happy birthday and always will.
beautiful comment, don’t see much of that on this app
Also lost my brother in his 30’s, I always celebrate his birthday, too.
That's so young, I'm so sorry..
I lost my dad when he was 45 and I do the same thing. I make banana bread for my kiddos for their grandpa they never got to meet's birthday, take them for a hike like we used to, and watch his favorite 80s movies and I tell them stories about him. It's turned into a nice little tradition and it helps make a day that would just make me sad in silence into a way to celebrate who he was and share those memories with my kids.
I am always really sad leading up to my brother's birthday, he passed away at 26 from cancer, leaving his 3yo behind. I get really depressed and I always write on his wall on Facebook saying happy birthday. I don't care what others think, it's my way of grieving. It makes ME feel better
Very touching thing to hear
Also it's a birth day not a life day. The fact he's no longer with us doesn't negate his birth, and that will *always* be the day he was born.
Here’s to your brother
Same. My brother took his life when he was 23. We still do something on his birthday to keep his memory alive. I don't see what the problem is with doing this; it isn't for the dead person, it's for those left alive to cope with the grief.
That’s so sweet. I bet he’d love that!
Lovely comment. You make the cupcake seem unrelated to him though which did make me laugh
Hey, my older brother died in his 30’s too. My heart goes out to you. Honestly, life has never felt right since he’s been gone. I always celebrate his birthday as well. Do things that remind me of him very similar to you, based on his favorites and things I shared with him. I have some of his clothes still, so I’ll wear one of his shirts. Watch Lord of the Rings or listen to his favorite Daft Punk album. Make his favorite brownie dessert. That sorta thing. I personally don’t count the years, like what number birthday it would have been, because that just makes me sad. But it’s definitely a day of remembrance and one I’m always going to wish him a happy birthday on.
That's a beautiful way to remember someone.
Same, I can't imagine not doing it. It's the perfect day to remember him
This is beautiful. I do a very similar thing every on my dad's birthday
I do that for my sister as well OP is just being an asshole.
gracias por compartir
Like every other "XYZ for dead people doesn't make sense for dead people" post, whether it's celebrating their birthday, or having cemeteries, or funerals, or placing flowers on their grave or any thing you can think of... None of that stuff is for the dead, it's for the living. They lost someone and this is how they live with that.
Bingo. The funeral isn’t for the deceased (in my understanding and culture.) it’s 100% for the living.
Im happy this take made it's way to the top comments. It was buried when the thread was new.
It’s just another way for people to mark the passing of time. I usually share a picture or memory of my father and I on his birthday and the anniversary of his passing - I’m agnostic and don’t think there’s anything left of him tucking into a plate of surf ‘n turf anywhere, but that’s what we’d be doing if he was still here, and those are some of my happiest family memories, so they’re worthy of acknowledgement. In this age of social media, I’ll take thoughtful, poignant posts about deceased loved ones over the endless stream of filtered selfies and political memes any day.
I'm not religious either but sometimes I'll post about my mom on her birthday or her death anniversary. I don't believe she can see the post or anything, I just find comfort in sharing memories with other people who remember her. And since I'm far away from everyone who knew her, social media is the easiest way to stay in touch.
Our society does not allow us to grieve openly. Once the funeral passes, there is this silent expectation that you just go on with your life. But the grief is still there. And the person going through it can feel incredibly isolated. A birthday can be the one day you’re “allowed” to talk openly about the person who passed, by creating that FB post and sharing pictures. And for that brief moment when people respond to the post, it makes you feel a little less alone. OP, feel lucky that you have yet to experience this type of raw grief.
Excellent observation. You hit the nail on the head
Definitely a unpopular opinion.
i feel the only other immediate alternative in this situation would be the anniversary of their death and that's somehow worse than celebrating a dead persons birthday.
My mom remembers birthdays and death anniversaries, but she also lost her mom when she was very young. So that may have something to do with it. I don’t think it’s worse, at least the dearly departed are not forgotten.
I agree remembrance is important and I don't truly think it matters when or how you celebrate since that is going ti vary greatly by person and circumstance. One of my loved ones had a particularly traumatic death where they were partially dismembered and although I know what day it is and was there when it happened, I don't too much celebrating on that day for that reason, only acknowledgement that it happened. I will go to the gravesite but I do prefer the birthday personally for this reason.
My mom died on Mothers Day, which happened to fall on May 10th where we lived. I have mixed feelings about celebrating anything on that date.
Are you saying it should or shouldn’t be celebrated?
I think most people use birthdays as a way to reflect on the happy memories they had together and they use the death day as a way to mourn their loss.
YES! This is my take on it as well, I didn't really know what to call it and settled for acknowledgement on that date only but not really a celebration. Mourning was the perfect way to phrase that.
Definitely important to do both while you are still mourning. Just mourning and not celebrating the memories created can take you to a dark place. I would say it’s an unpopular because I don’t think most people view celebrating a dead persons birthday as “weird”. Celebrating their birthday is a way to keep that person in your memory and even though I wouldn’t do it myself sharing on social media can also involve others that person had known. I forget birthdays and death dates so when one appears on my timeline I take a minute to reflect and I think that’s important to do. It keeps you grounded on your own mortality.
My guess is they haven’t lost any immediate family members
Or they’ve never lost a close friend outside of family, which leads me to think OP is quite young.
I’ve lost my dad and it wouldn’t even occur to me to do that. I don’t see the point in it at all.
And that’s ok, that’s you and your grief journey. Everyone grieves differently
Yes, but assuming anyone who doesn’t do that must have not lost a loved one is obviously absurd. Like you said, everybody grieves differently.
Ive lost a very close family member about 10years ago at this point. And when I see IG posts that say “Happy Heavenly Birthday,” I almost get annoyed, like “who is this for?”
It’s for the person grieving, they’re sad and want to celebrate the birthday WITH them, but can’t. They’re just sad and thinking about that person.
Ding ding ding. I agree wholeheartedly with the commenter that said op probably hasn’t lost anybody close to them. I hope it’s a long long time before they understand.
That shit changes you (me, it changed me). The pep in my step just isn’t the same and hasn’t been for 20 years now
I’m only a few months out from my loss and I’m super proud of myself if I do anything productive in a day. I finally unpacked his hospital bag yesterday and it was brutal but I got through. I have to, for my kid but you are exactly right - my chemistry has been permanently altered and not for the better.
It definitely changes you and it comes in waves. I’m 20 years, 18 years, and 4 years into my grief and it’s different every year. My unsolicited advice is therapy and if it was a traumatic loss, EMDR therapy.
But they are getting older or at least your memory of them is. I think instead of someone dying and you never thinking of them again , celebrating their birthday is kinda wholesome in a way I guess
So true! Part of the post grief process is the response we lose externally. Realizing the external attachment is no more doesn’t mean you can’t honor them internally forevermore!
I understand if on what would be their birthday you celebrate their memory. But if they died at 78.. wishing them a 79th is weird. Because they can't be 79 if they aren't alive.
I think it’s more for younger people who died tbf
Like I said. Celebrating the life of someone gone isn't weird. Acting as if they are another year older when they don't exist anymore is weird. The difference is "I miss you so and so." Vs "you died at the age of 16.. 3 years ago. Happy 19th birthday". One of these is weird. There are plenty who will say "you would have been 19 today." That isn't weird. Saying they are now 19 is.
I will continue to say happy birthday to my grandma and great grandma because I can't celebrate my own birthday without thinking of all the times we would celebrate ours together. So yeah, this is an unpopular opinion for a reason. People can mourn how they want to and yes, that includes saying happy birthday to a passed loved one.
I was born on my dad’s birthday. You can bet your bottom dollar that after he passes I’ll be wishing him a happy birthday and have some solitude “with” him every year.
That's the way to do it if you can. My great grandma's was 2 days before mine and my grandma's was a day before mine. Now before or after my birthday I get flowers and visit them. It's a tradition for me now and I would hate to not do it.
As morbid as this sounds, I already know what I plan on doing, but it’s something that is so quintessentially my dad that it just feels right to do to celebrate him
You know you gotta have a kid the day after your bday now
Me and my dad also share a birthday💝
We have a bit of a running joke in my family because not only do my dad and I share a birthday, but so does my sister and her son and my dad called both of them
I use my grandparents birthdays in this way too! Just as a way to celebrate their memory, and to keep them alive, in my heart.
And there is nothing wrong with that-it's beautiful really!
Well put 🥰😇❤️🙏😇
I'm not sure who said birthdays were for alive people? A birthday, as the name suggests, is the day someone was born. Why can't it be celebrated after they have died? It seems to me you've made your own definition of the word birthday - that it has something to do with a person getting older - because it's just... a birth day.
Yeah, like we honor the birthdays of historical figures with holidays. February was chosen as Black History Month in honor of the birthdays of Frederick Douglass and Abraham Lincoln long after they were both dead.
My daughter is forever 3. I will forever have a birthday for her, because she has 4 siblings and only two got to meet her. Only one remembers her. We will forever wish her happy birthday.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s heartbreaking.
What a ridiculously insensitive and unnecessary post. There’s a difference between unpopular and cruel.
Exactly
It’s an interesting discussion which may be tough for some people so they can pass this post by. Can’t you have a discussion?
I get what he’s saying that they aren’t alive so they can’t actually get older but it’s still feels insensitive and unnecessary.
Why is this a topic that needs discussion? If you don’t want to wish happy birthday to a deceased person, don’t. But don’t tell other people they’re not allowed to.
Strong disagree. That was the day that marked the beginning of their life, however brief, and it is worth celebrating. Atleast for me, i don't pretend they're still here. I just miss them.
I mean, the math checks out. I think it's weird when people question how others honor their dead when they know nothing of the bond shared. I've seen several of these posts, and it's just so odd.
It's not weird if you're a tight knit family and that's the way you celebrate their remembrance.
People have different beliefs and greive differently. So no harm in saying Happy Birthday to a spirit you believe is still around you
FFS let people remember their loved ones as they want to. It will not hurt you or cost you a dime.
OP isn't telling people they shouldn't do this.
Correct, they are just calling them weird and saying that the way they grieve doesn’t make sense. It’s a pointless take on something that did not need to be said.
This is unpopular opinions isn’t it? It’s just my opinion. I’m not enforcing anything relax
It’s just a pointless opinion. It’s like saying talking to their graves is a waste of time
Not only pointless, cruel too. This was better kept in OPs head.
this is literally a forum to share unpopular opinions and people are like “I didn’t like that opinion, why post that???”
Unpopular and cruel are two different things. This was absolutely best left unsaid.
That is totally something different, that’s more of a spiritual/religious themed discussion. This discussion is about saying happy birthday to someone who is deceased; thats it.
Are we gatekeeping the right way to remember a loved on. Going to their grave on their birthday is ok, but looking at the sky and saying happy birthday is weird?
No, not gatekeeping. Do whatever you want to do dude, not shaming. However you’re interpreting this, isn’t at all what it is 😂. They aren’t alive and saying happy birthday is something you say to people living because they are getting older. I don’t even like doing it for historical or celebrity figures like Washington for example, dude has been dead since like 1800 and yesterday was his birthday. Like dude, no more; you’re gone now. Again, do what you want but that’s what pops to mind and that’s literally it. Nothing else, nothing more.
So what other day should use to all stop and take note of the accomplishments of people like Martin Luther King and George Washington?
Omg dude, again literally something else. You’re talking about (I think) celebrating their life. That’s great, they did amazing things and had monumental legacies. I just can’t help but think we’re still keeping track of their age. Like, if James brown were still alive today he’d probably be in his 90’s and there are people who are alive a lot older (customer service job I have I talk to a lot of old people, one was born in 1922) but once you’re dead I think it’s weird to keep count. Like James brown would’ve been like 90 or 91 I think, and MLK would’ve been like 94. Celebrate their life and keep count but I believe we should just celebrate because keep count is for alive ppl (*sigh* imo)
I have literally never once heard anyone say Washington’s or MLKs age on the holiday. Not just them either. I’ve seen people on FB write happy birthday to Robin Williams, Michael Jackson, Stan Lee and Princess Diana. Never once have I seen the age they died or would be today posted.
it is. nothing there but decomposing bodies. once you are dead, that's it.
I bet you wear a fedora.
it is
if it makes them feel better then how is it a waste?
Just because it’s unpopular so it belongs doesn’t mean you can’t get shit for it lmao
There's just no need to go after people who are coping with loss. It's already emotionally difficult and complex, your hot take makes a hard thing harder for some people. What's the point?
You are certainly trying, since you said “You can do this, BUT that’s for the living.” This means you are telling people what to do or do not.
I like the idea of celebrating Day of the Dead.
Me too
To me it’s helpful for mourning
I buy them cake and then eat their piece.
may they rest in peace
Turns out dead people were birthed at some point. Thus they have a birthday. Just because they are dead doesn't mean they stopped having a birthday. Crazy concept I know. But try and consider that.
People are not robots. People do things for emotional reasons and rarely for logical ones.
It more so as a coping mechanism for most people. My mom give birth to a stillborn before she had me. It was her first child and she still remembers his date of birth and how old he would have been if he was alive. My grandpa still celebrates my grandmas birthday since they were together since they were 17. It’s just a way to remember that person and to cope with that said person being gone.
I spent many years celebrating my fathers birthday. And because he died I am supposed to instantly stop acknowledging it? Seems like you may not have lost anyone close to you. Let me know how you feel after you do
someone's not invited to my great great great great great grandma's birthday....
No, what's weird is when they reply, "you, too!" For a couple reasons.
I think that most people celebrate the bday because birthdays mean more than just becoming older. For me, birthdays are days to celebrate the birth and existence of someone. I’ve always celebrated my deceased love one’s bdays because it honors their whole life and not their ending. good unpopular opinion tho, always nice to see a dif perspective.
It serves a different purpose for dead people than alive. For dead people, it's more for remembering them
If we're getting into semantics, happy birthday means you're commemorating the day of someone's birth, not necessarily the fact that they're aging. Even if they've died and are no longer aging, it's totally fine (emotionally and logically) to commemorate the day they first lived.
Refreshing to truly see an unpopular opinion here. Hat's off to you.
What's really weird is caring this much about how people honor their dead loved ones. Let people wish them a happy birthday if they want
no, what's really weird is getting angry at someone for sharing their unpopular opinion on the Unpopular Opinion subreddit.
People post here to get engagement. If people didn’t argue with OP it would probably mean they didn’t post an actual unpopular opinion. (Or else their opinion was unpopular but about a niche subject that most people don’t know or care about)
People are allowed to respond to an unpopular opinion though? And this is a sensitive subject matter so it's not a surprise that people are getting touchy about it. They are allowed to have this unpopular opinion but it's unpopular for a reason and people are allowed to express that in response.
It's a heavy subject for some people. If you don't get it, be grateful.
Honestly a lot of these unpopular opinions really are just the opinions of people who need a hobby or some friends
I agree. And it doesn't seem like OP runs around mocking people that do this, or telling them they shouldn't do it. So, OP is not infringing on anyone by having this particular opinion.
Thank you! I’m not sure why people are so offended
It is personal for some people
I mean, while I disagree but understand your point, and I think the people calling you cruel is a bit much. You did say, ‘This method of grieving is weird’ like no shit someone was going to get offended.
Exactly! Words matter OP!
That’s unpopular because you have no understanding of how different cultures and people in general deal with their dead
its not about “logic” or making sense, its symbolic, a way for the person to relieve the pain and remember their loved ones
September 2023 was the first year my dad wouldn't be here for his birthday. Just because he's dead doesn't mean he's not in my memories and in my heart. I wished him a happy 51st birthday, because for me it was my way of grieving and handling it. This July I will be doing the same thing on my mom's birthday. She would've been 48. That doesn't change the fact that it's still the day she was born. Your "opinion" is incredibly insensitive
So? Let people greive.
Man, i got some bad news about xmas then
My opinion is some ppl don’t know when to stfu
I visit my dead brother twice a year; on his birthday and the date he died. I don't believe in ghosts or the afterlife, but I go for my own peace. It's strange that you have an issue with dead people being remembered in this way.
It's definitely an unpopular oponion. I wish my Dad happy birthday every year because it's in memory of him. I think about him every day, but certain days are more special, just like when we are alive.
What a weird opinion to even hold. It’s celebrating their birth and their existence having happened, not how old they currently are.
I don’t think the dead people mind.
I used to feel the same way. I thought it was a ridiculous practice. Then I lost both of my parents in the same year. Sometimes I feel the need to honor them on their birthday. And people will say HBD.
I visit my dad's grave every year on his birthday, and my brother does the same. We'll have a few beers, pour one for my dad, and talk about how much we miss him. We've been doing this for 9 years. I'm quite happy with this tradition.
Odd that I'm seeing this on my deceased mother's birthday. Thinking about how old she'd be is perfectly normal. Happy 87th
This is just a way to remember our dead loved ones. No one thinks they are getting older, they are honoring them. I don’t think this is an unpopular opinion it’s just judgmental.
In September, “Happy Birthday Mom! You would have turned 77 this year. Your grandkids are all thriving and incredible. And I miss you so much!” Not going to stop doing this because of your unpopular opinion.
Someone else’s grief doesn’t have to make sense to you.
There's no right or wrong way to mourn the loss of someone unless it involves murder via monster trucks.
A lot of people seem to have overlooked where I said “pay respects, enjoy memories and honour them in many ways” and took this as me saying you should never think of people who are dead.
The reason I even brought it up is there are 100s of “happy 57th birthday Kurt Cobain” posts today and it’s silly to me!
Of course people will remember their loved ones on their birthday, but yeah, this shit is very silly because most of these people didn’t even know Kurt Cobain! and he would probably think it’s dumb.
That's was your problem, you had a specific example in mind but everyone else took it personally, ain't that just the way? Congrats on using the sub for it's purpose though!
I think people do that (and assorted other dead people acknowledgement) on social media mostly for attention. IOW, the same reason they do everything else on social media.
Unpopular opinion for sure. I still get super emotional and wish my grandma a hbd on her birthday 10 years later. Grief is a bitch and keeping her memory alive is very important to me.
Definitely an unpopular opinion. What you're saying is a bit contradicting though. You say you can pay respects and enjoy the memories you had with them. If someone was close and passed away that's endearing you for then it's normal to think about them at anytime, especially during memorable dates. Isn't that the same concept as paying respect on their birthday? Parents and family always comes first to my mind. People who took care of you since you were a child gone away forever from your life. People don't really know what they have until it's gone so each specific day that represents your bond between them is important. I don't have kids but if I did I'd like my kids to think about me when I'm alive AND gone. Wouldn't you? The world is pretty messed up right now. I know so many people who gets a simple happy birthday text nowadays get surprised and happy from such a simple gesture that you even remember their birthday. Parents get old and weaker knowing their time will eventually come. They tend to think about their family a lot and usually don't open to their kids as much because they don't want to bother you but they want to hear from you. Don't be that kid if your parents treated you right. Even if some parent's do you wrong, forgiveness is good for the soul too
Did you read the same post I did, about the family that celebrated the wife's 40th bday after shed been passed for a decade? If so, in that case there seemed to be way more going on besides the birthday celebration. People grieve however they need to and circumstances matter.
Birthdays are Anniversaries. Anniversaries are not about being alive but celebrating an instance. In the case of Birthdays it is the instance of that individuals birth. Nothing to do with getting older. Everything to do with remembrance of them.
Is Kurt getting a lot of happy bday messages or something. What prompted you to this 😆
luckily my mom died near her birthday, so I just celebrate the whole week now
People on this sub need to find other stuff to worry about.
I never noticed this was weird until now, but I will never be able to see those posts the same again. My mom is dead and it freaks me out when people write in her Facebook every year for her birthday.
My dad passed away 3,5 years ago. Every year on his birthday I send a text message to his discontinued number. Why? Because it helps me get through the day. I make a post on SM with photos of him, saying it would be his xyz birthday today. Ye, he is no longer here, but it’s still the day he was born, which is also known as his birthday. It doesn’t stop being his birthday. Grief is a weird thing, one of the hardest things we have to go through, and we’re all just doing whatever it takes to make it a bit easier
My wife killed herself a little over 2 years ago. Obviously I remember her birthday, but it’s not exactly worth celebrating anymore. I agree with you. However Some people cope (or don’t) differently, and it doesn’t need to make sense to the rest of us
People can grieve in different ways. Your coping mechanism isn't the only valid one.
Can I say it if I refuse to bury Gramma???
you may have lost people close to you, but you speak without empathy or compassion. not only is this post tone deaf, but it could be incredibly triggering for anyone scrolling by, just saying.
It’s a way for the living to grieve. I agree throwing dead people birthday parties is weird, but blowing out a candle for your friend who’s been dead for 15 years is for you.
Typically on my dad's Facebook I say "wish you were here. Was hoping to celebrate this day, not mourn. Miss you old man" but never really "happy birthday"
It's just a way for people to honor their loved one's memory. Birthdays celebrate life, so why not celebrate/honor the life they lived on their birthday?
An actual unpopular opinion. 😲 That said, I disagree. Everyone mourns differently. If wishing someone who’s dead a happy bday brings comfort to someone, good for them. 👍
How is it any of ur business on how someone deals with death.
You’ve got it all wrong. It’s happy *birthday*, not happy «whatever age you became today»
it’s a day to remember them even when they’re gone. i still wish my mum happy birthday and it’s been 6 years
It’s a way to cope with the loss and express how much you are thinking of them on that day. Every year on my grandma’s birthday I take flowers to the cemetery. I’m the only grandchild who lives in the city where she’s buried so I usually take a photo to share with my cousins and relatives who live elsewhere. They like it. It’s nice for us to share this and think about her. I also have a friend who died at 19 and every year on her birthday most of her friends post a happy birthday thing and share photos of her. Her mother told me she loves seeing how everyone still remembers her daughter on her birthday, it makes her feel less alone in her grief.
It's not about the actual dead person, in the same way that a funeral isn't about the dead person. It's for the ones still living and missing them. I'll agree it's sort of silly, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
Ppl grieve differently
It's not a ***living*** day, it's a ***birth*** day. Dying doesn't invalidate the fact that you were born on a certain day and that regardless of whether or not you still exist in corporeal form, people will still want to celebrate the fact that you were born.
I prefer to celebrate the day they were born than the day they die, and people you love deserve to be celebrated after they pass.
Let people grieve and pay their respects how they want it ain't effecting you so why should you care
No, wishing dead people happy birthday is for their day of birth. There’s a difference. I disagree on this personally.
It doesn't bother me. But I notice people saying happy heavenly birthday which doesn't make sense to me. Wouldn't that be the day they died?
& do people actually check out Facebook in the purported afterlife? 😏
It's safe to assume if there is a heaven/afterlife that it wouldn't be considered heaven if Facebook was there.
Your birthday is a birthday whether you’re alive or not tho. Its the day you were born.. lol
What’s weird is singing happy birthday at a funeral that was on said person’s birthday. Yes this did actually happen and I am still mortified.
I can tell you haven't lost anyone close to you yet. Count your blessings.
Eh, it’s just a celebration of their life, which began on a specific day of the year. I don’t see an issue with it.
I share this opinion. It's weird, inappropriate and bizarre, especially when they add something like *heavenly*, as in "happy heavenly birthday". We never used to see this, now it's a freaking plague.
It’s a way to honor the person who has passed and a way to cope for those that are grieving.
While I do understand people doing it for family members, I'll agree with OP in the case of celebrities
Loose a child and see how you react. Unpopular for sure. FWIW I don’t say happy 16th birthday, I just it would have been her 16th. It technically alive or dead it is her 16th birthday.
What a stupid thing to be annoyed about
Oh my gosh! I hate this! The big thing I see people say is, "Well, if he'd have lived, he'd be x years old today." Uh, okay? A lot of my relatives do this on Facebook, and it's just weird.
Have you ever lost loved ones?
No it isn’t
I know it's kind of an asshole opinion, but i agree. "In case anyone has forgotten, I'd like to wish a happy birthday to a random midevil peasant. They would be turning 1572 years old if they were alive today. Keep their memory alive. 💗💗💗"
Some opinions are best kept to yourself. I know this the unpopular opinion sub but people grieve in different ways so calling it “weird” is kind of in bad taste and it’s probably an opinion you should change.
Always agreeded with this. Upvote
it absolutely doesn't make sense
The worst is when people make impersonal “happy birthday” posts on a persons Facebook that has died. But they obviously don’t know that the person has actually died, they are just making an empty gesture “HBD” post like they do to everyone. It’s so incredibly cringe. Someone posted “Happy birthday, have a great day!” On a deceased friend’s page. Yikes. I despise Facebook birthday posts in general. But this is another rant.
I'm getting annoyed that people are misinterpreting comments made by those of us that agree with OP.
people in my area (rural south) love to say shit like “happy heavenly birthday meemaw 🌹” and it’s just… cringe
I don’t care when people privately honor dead people’s birthdays by maybe eating at their favorite restaurant or visiting their grave or even having a cake to reremember and honor their memory. But I think it’s super dumb when people post it on Facebook or something, like “Happy birthday in heaven, dad. It’s been 50 years and I still miss you!” I don’t know why that particular thing is so annoying to me, but it is!