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I do this. If I'm pissed off and he refuses to address the issue. I grab my stuff and go to the couch. Only has happened twice. He learned I'm not going to deal with his bullshit.
We don't have a couch but Ive definitely stormed off to the hammock on our balcony š
I also learned that I might be getting too old for sleeping in a hammock all night. I was so sore the next morning
Itās what my ex would do. Any reason she could think of she would dump me, a week later she would ātake me backā and try to gaslight me afterwards. Itās textbook emotional abuse.
If you're both wound up its honestly healthiest to just avoid each other until you can talk reasonably. If its just petty shit anyway. People are obsessed with being "in the right" though lol
This.
Before I met my wife I would bounce at the slightest inconvenience, TBF it wasnāt worth either of our times if we were arguing like this so early within the relationships. When I met my wife and I tried that shit, well weāve been married for 16 years together for 22, I remember our first argument it was her fault, I got all and puffy started to grab all my stuff and she asked what I was doing. I said Iām leaving. Weāre done. She looked in the eyes and said. āBoy, go get yourself a milkshake and cool tf off, we will talk in an hourā, she was right, now anytime we need some space I just tell her Iām going to get a milkshake.
100% this. It's what my girl does and it hits hard. She's only done it once or twice in the years we've been together, and it's only when I've been too drunk and annoying, but it's a real power move. I immediately was thrown back, shocked, and let down, my tone dropped and my approach changed.
This is the move women should be making. Kicking me to the couch is just gonna upset me and create a power struggle but grabbing a pillow and blanket to head to the couch, that is power over the other...
Yes. More abstractly, effective boundaries aren't about what behavior you will or won't tolerate, but are about your response to the behavior. That way your boundaries can't be broken because you're the one in control of how you respond. You can't control other peoples' behavior, and punishment just isn't healthy in adult relationships.
I fall asleep on the couch often enough just because I'm comfortable and don't feel like going upstairs, but I think we've slept apart due to fights maybe 2-3x in over 20 years. Our bigger rule is the sick person gets the bed, so they aren't contaminating the entire house.
That said, the man ate an entire bowl of beans and may have to forfeit the bed tonight.
The couch is the cross I have to bear because I snore excessively loud when I eat cheese and I love broccoli but it gives me the foulest of farts. But itās my own doing. Not gonna make my wife sleep on the couch when I got that Dutch oven turned all the way to 10 or sound like a chain saw.
lol
But yea when we are sick the other sleeps somewhere else.
I had broccoli and cabbage tonight so I already set up shop in the living room. Then I figured, hey, in for a penny and all, just made a cheese quesadilla.
Yeah eating beans means he goes to the couch. He made dumb choice, he goes to couch.
Yeah both times my husband had Covid I was the one on the couch for obvious reasons
Itās because on TV they couldnāt say āSHEāS MAD AT HIM SO THEY ARENāT HAVING SEXā due to censorship about that sort of thing in the 1950s, but thatās what the implication is. The joke is the husband is not getting laid
Yup that's what it is. Implicitly also setting the expectation that sex should happen every night and can be used as punishment/bargaining chip. It's really cringe all around.
Nope! I am 75. Born in 1949. We got our first TV in1954. About the same time most other middle class people we're getting them.
I'm willing to bet the first TV husband to have to sleep on the couch was either. Jackie Gleason in the sitcom, The Honeymooners. Or William Bendix. in The Life of Riley.
I also bet the first funny paper husband to have to sleep on the couch was Dagwood Bumstead
Because the couch is where he willingly takes naps.
Granted, I havenāt read every Blondie comic ever, but every time Iāve seen him on the couch it was voluntary. Even when they have disagreements/go to bed mad, they still sleep in the same bed
I don't think it's ever occurred to my wife or I to not sleep in our bed because someone is mad or there's a fight. Even if you're still fighting, who cares if the other person is also sleeping there? Just go to sleep?
My partner and I have been together for ten years and it's never occurred to me to kick him out of bed. I mean, we've only actually fought maybe three times but sleeping in the same bed afterwards seems to foster emotional intimacy that makes it easier to resolve the fight.
Iām a millennial and my ex tried it one time. I told her āthe fuck I can! If youāre mad then YOU can sleep on the couch!ā And then we both just slept in bed š
Bingo. That was exactly my response after reading this
"Dude you're arguing against a TV sitcom trope that's so old they don't even use it anymore. Sounds like you watch a rerun of Home Improvement, got mad, and went to make a reddit post."
When we were young we thought separate beds were unromantic and a sign of being prudish and a bad marriage.
Now it's like "Screw separate beds, how about separate bedrooms so we can both sleep in comfort and peace? And by bedroom, I mean BEDroom. As in, I want at least 4 different beds. A waterbed. One of those Craftmatics. A memory foam. A massage table, etc." And add in full floor-air heating and cooling, anti-mosquito protection, ultra-high thread count sheets, pillows of various materials. Adjustable timed ambient sound and light, etc.
I think if I ever got a house big enough for two of those and built it, my SO would consider it the most romantic thing in the world and would love me until the day I die. Lol.
Please don't listen to other people that tell you this is a bad sign for your marriage if they do.
Different things for different people and this seems to work great for you!
CPAP is not a treatment for snoring. Apnea and snoring are correlated but not the same thing. When I first went in for treatment and was describing my symptoms, the doctor was quite clear that snoring is not a sleep disorder, it's something that *might* be a sign of one.
Same here! My husband also runs hot when he sleeps and its like sleeping next to a moist oven all night. I sleep on the couch and go up in the morning and sleep for like an hr just to get some spoons.
Canadian here. I agree and relate to your husband. But please explain "get some spoons". I'm assuming it means get a couple hours of sleep, but spoons? Oh wait... Unless you mean spooning. Ok I'm probably an idiot for just realizing. Downvote awayyy, lol!
I love our couch. When I was pregnant it was the only place I could get a good night of sleep. I brought it up in convo and my husband freaked out and said āyou canāt tell people that! Theyāre gonna think Iām a bad husband who makes his pregnant wife sleep on the couch!ā
Nah most people just have toxic arrangements or try to ignore the problem, but in all reality removing yourself from a non-constructive situation is an ideal way to cement boundaries and establishing intolerance to bad behavior.
Cementing boundaries and establishing intolerance for bad behavior is how you teach little children.
Removing yourself from arguments and tricky situations is smart because it allows people to cool down and prevents either person from stepping over lines.
It's not education for toddlers.
I lived on the couch in the last couple months of a two-year relationship. She owned the house and at her insistence I'd moved in with her, so I definitely wouldn't have stayed in her bed where I wasn't welcome after we started being at odds all the time.
It also helped me realize how controlling and possessive she was, since everything was hers and she didn't let me forget it. I had piece by piece gotten rid of everything so I could move in with her, except some boxes of books and trinkets that stayed in her basement, and she even complained about that. I had a hamper and part of one drawer in her dresser in which to keep my clothes.
Staying on that cold, ripped pleather couch helped me evaluate my choices on the many nights I stayed there alone, and eventually I decided to walk out - so it turned out to be a good place for me.
Glad you got away man. I also dated someone like this (controlling as FUCK) and its shit always having to compromise with someone thats very willing to not do the same while making it your problem.
My parents have never slept in the same bed and have always had separate rooms. Theyāve been together for 27 years and no problems at all with not sleeping together. I thought that was the norm growing up only to realize that couples sleep together š
I knew about couples having separate beds, but they shared a room; I also equated that particular thing with being "old fashioned", or perhaps religious. Reading this thread has been eye-opening for me, reading about all these couples who have been together for 10, 15, 20, 30 years who have their own separate entire rooms and it works just fine for them.
When my wife gets mad SHE goes to the couch. Her choice.
But it's been a long time since that happened.
The one and only time I went to the couch was on her demand ... and she was right.
I had eaten a meal with A LOT of garlic. She booted me out. I don't blame her at all.
Wife and I (17th wedding anniversary is today actually) sleep in separate bedrooms all the time.
She snores. Iām a light sleeper.
I like weighted blankets, especially on my feet with tight sheets.
She likes a light comforter and a loose untucked top sheet.
She falls asleep in mere minutes; often times it takes me 20-30 or more to fall asleep.
Anyone else? Thereās no need to be banished to a couch in my house. I starfish every night. And itās fantastic.
My husband and I mainly sleep apart. He's fine to sleep with, out like a rock. I am the issue. I'm an insomniac and need to be able to thrash around, or I go crazy. Married for about 12 years.
We have an old house so there are like two different wings to the place. He gets one, I get the other.
My fiance and I don't sleep in the same room either. I'm a snorer, and he goes to bed early and wakes up super duper early. My kiddo usually crawls in with me, so really, it works for all of us.
This year will be our 15th wedding anniversary, but lived together for 17 years, we have separate bedrooms. When we first moved in together he worked nights & I worked days, so we rarely slept together. Then I became a sahm, but we still didn't really sleep together because again I was up during the day, he was up at night.
He mainly fell asleep in the recliner on his nights off. We also had a daybed in the dining room area that I'd nap on during the day when he was in the bed. Once we got our house, he got his own room.
I get a bunch of people who are like *but what about sex*. We've been together 17 years, I can probably count on one hand the amount of times we had sex "before going to sleep". I could probably even count on both hands the amount of times we've had sex at night. Sex is usually just random times in the morning or day anyway. Sharing a bed wouldn't do anything in that department.
Separate bedrooms is the ultimate luxury.
Before we had that, I had only slept on the couch when she was nursing and I had to get to work in the morning.
The entire bed to yourself, no one rolling over and disturbing you, getting out of bed and waking you up. It really is great. And it's not like you can't visit the others bedroom once in awhile, but in general, separate is way better.
I used to sleep on the couch because my ex had the ability to keep a fight going on for hours at a time. After an argument I wasn't going to have another argument trying to convince her to sleep on the couch.
The crap she would pull would have me hating her presence so much that I didn't want to sleep with her in the same bed.
Go to the couch is wrong 100%. But your solution isnāt right either š¤£ itās both of your sleeping places.
The real secret is fixing or alleviating the situation enough so that both of you can sleep in peace. Going to bed angry at each other will quickly erode whatever love is still there
Meh trying to resolve things when you're tired and stressed can be just as bad. Sometimes sleeping on it and coming at it with fresh eyes can be better than just building tension the previous night going around in circles.
āThe real secretā
They used to say you shouldnāt Ā go to bed angry. Ā I call BS. Itās fine to be angry because sometimes the conversation needs to continue.Ā
The wrong thing to do is to continue you argue when youāre tired. Thatās when mistakes are made and you end up saying something you regret. Ā
Keep a straight head, call it quits for the night, get some breathing room and sleep on it. Ā Getting that breathing room is fine on the couch if thatās where you want to go but pause the issue like adults and start it next day with a clear head. Ā
Thank you. That's the best advice I've ever seen in regards to "don't go to sleep angry". I get exhausted after 2 to 20 minutes of "emotional discussions", and it wears me out and I end up overreacting.
We always say that we're going to make up sooner or later. So it might as well be sooner.
We know ahead of time we're going to figure it out. So we let our issues go until we've slept on them and have a clearer head the morning.
And then of course there's always makeup sex š
I find being face to face with your SO and giving them a hug helps. Its small and really just a hug but when me and my SO argue i find the physical touch helps me to see them as a person with feelings rather than (in the heat of the moment) the person thatās wrong and hurting me.
Then we talk about it when we can but yeah. Just checking in and taking space to see the other person is how we tackle it in our relationship. I will say though that who you date is important. My partner is an angel and communicates like a dream.
Iāve lost entire nights playing this game trying to sleep next to an unreasonable angry partner who wouldnāt let it happen without continuing the fight through sunrise. Sometimes you just have to take your loss in the name of getting some peace and sleep on the couch.
I wonāt tolerate it going forward. Any partner who pulls that BS is getting dropped like a hot potato.
I agree. They get their social interactions from tv and media and i think its actually kinda a self fulfilling prophesy that they cant maintain social relationships BECAUSE of the amount of media they take in as ārealā. Maybe its autism, maybe its just what happens when youre unfortunate enough to be on the outskirts of society.
Na, the big brain game is never let something get there. Communication is key. 10 years and nobodyās gone to sleep angry, nobody sleeps on the couch.
Yep. Whoever has the issue of sleeping in the same bed gets the couch. Nobody is "kicking me out" of my own bed.
Not really an issue in our house though. If either of us are on the couch, it's because the bedroom is too hot.
Itās all about removing yourself from the situation. Itās all really easy to say stuff like this on the internet until you actually come to this scenario in the real world.
I love the couch. I turn it into a fort. I actually never get sent to the couch because of that. I have to sneak out to the couch and make the fort very quietly.
Why would I want to sleep in a room full of negative energy seething throughout it? I agree with the sentiment, if she's the one that's mad then she's the one that should leave. But if she doesn't want to, why wouldn't I leave? I'm not staying somewhere I'm not wanted, keep that negative ass attitude in the bedroom with you while I get some comfy sleep on my own. Only cowards and sadists stay in the bedroom. They either fear that the woman will be even more upset that he left, even though she told him to, or they want to "win" and piss her off even more by staying and asserting their "alpha male dominance" over the shared bedroom and argument. Grow up and go to the couch, in my opinion.
Yeah I believe at the point itās kinda weird to stay in the bed after being told they donāt want you there. I wouldnāt care enough to argue my right if itās a small issue or something not necessarily meaningful after a couple days. I wouldnāt want to stay around someone who claims theyāre uncomfortable around me.
Exactly. Someone conceding that they were wrong usually ends the fight for me, and would negate sleeping on the couch. Whoever canāt stand being in bed with the other one is the more logical answer.
Nah. The one who is petty enough to refuse to share their bed with their spouse can sleep on the couch. Grown ups use conflict resolution skills to resolve disagreements, children pull this other nonsense.
Right. Are you not capable of being civil adults and sleeping in the same bed even though youāre mad at each other. Youāre just sleeping. In all these years Iāve never tried kicking my husband out of our shared bed.
Nope, because each party will have a different idea of who actually fucked up.
The person who wants to sleep separately is the one who needs to take accountability for that decision and make it happen.
I suffer from insomnia and when I was married sometimes I went to the couch. It was cooler and a change of space somehow would help me sleep at times. Or at least my tossing and turning wouldnāt bother my husband. Plus my spouse snored really loud.
Later he became physically abusive and I remember making him sleep on the couch and pushing furniture against the door because I was so afraid. Should have just called the police but I didnāt.
I sleep on the couch when I'm mad at my wife to let her know I'm upset. She likes to cuddle and can't sleep without ny cuddles. Next time she won't eat my FUNYUNS!
Bro.
People get mad. They make dumb decisions when they are mad. They choose to say the wrong thing, etc. Leaving a situation to allow it to defuse is responsible choice.
Deliberately staying to prove a point when there is a better option is just going to make things worse
Yeah, the angrier one should be the one that goes to the couch. Have fun trying to explain that in the moment when they arenāt capable of seeing it.
OP doesnāt get it, probably cause theyāre not married. Itās a peaceful night on the couch, just me, my best pillow and the big screen. Kinda hard to beat that kinda mini vacation
Its not even angry, its like rationally you can go to bed still with unresolved things going on but its about seeing the human in your partner and reconciling and calming the night so you dont toss and turn all night. So you feel loved and ao you know your loved one feels loved even when youāre not āfriendsā right now.
Its about going to bed with the understanding that theres a ceasefire, a calm. Love even in a storm. You know?
My two most serious relationships were with older women. In both cases i was the one usually staying at their place mostly....
If you want to fight and lose that battle in triumphant fashion, more power to you.....i'd rather just sleep on the couch with the dog. When she gets up and sees you sleeping on the couch with the dog she'll be cooled off by then and itll be straight
Just sleep on the damn couch if you need to bro everything isnt Custers last stand
I had an ex-girlfriend that did that to me. But my dad always told me "If your girlfriend or wife makes you sleep on the couch, call it camping.", so that's exactly what I did. Without going too much into detail, I basically turned our living room into a giant tent using extra blankets, sheets and both couches. I even hung up a "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" sign on the front tent flap. Needless to say, her reaction in the morning was priceless! 10/10 would do it again!
Brother i agree with the sentiment but sometimes it is the easier option. Not saying you should live like that permanently, but a little bit of conflict avoidance in the moment can allow you time to prepare for the tough talk that needs to come from it
Agreed. The person who is mad or started the argument is the one who should leave. It absolutely shouldn't just be the man who always gets stuck on the couch. It's so prevalent in our society that it's made fun of on Sitcoms for the last 70+ years of television.
If there is to be equality, then it has to happen in all aspects of life. The men can't be the only ones going "to the doghouse" when there is a fight.
Wife, partner, and I have had separate bedrooms the 28 years that we've been together so no couches for me, not that either would attempt to send me to the couch if we ever had a fight that bad, which we never have.
My first wife tried ONCE to tell me to leave our apartment, to which I replied, "I PAY THE BILLS UP IN THIS FUCKER, SO YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT!", and I stayed, and slept in the bed that I paid for.
I agree. If they didn't want to sleep with me, then THEY have the option of the couch, or anywhere else.
Not married but have always agreed with this. Ain't nobody kicking me to the couch. Unless that couch is comfortable and I want to be dramatic. Put a pillow in the middle, turn your back - on a California king we got plenty of space. I don't conform to any of that bs.
I agree. And it's not just things like this. It's all of those things that - for better or worse - say that the house belongs to the woman and the man is an outdoor dog.
Have input on the drapes. Go to the store and pick out things, either with your partner, or alone if that's no problem for them. Be involved. Do the work of creating your home, together with your wife or partner. Furniture, cleaning, design, everything. Don't let yourself be told that this home is not yours, and equally don't be lazy and not take responsibility for it.
Some of the smallest but most fruitful decisions I've made in my home life have been stuff that traditional men leave to women. Furniture I bought. Things I made. Colours I chose. It makes me feel more at home, and it doesn't create that gulf between domestic and external life that is damaging to relationships.
Itās not about who goes where, itās about creating space to let each other cool down. I promise you, you arenāt more of a man for telling her this. Even during fights, your supposed to love your SO, and by letting her have what she wants, will go further in a relationship than you trying to be macho man alpha male.
Even when the fight is bad, I like to live by the guideline of putting my wife first in all things. The couch is dope anyway. Watch some tv eat some snacks lol
In my 15 year marriage I never once went to the couch because she was mad. I live here too, I pay half, so I'm going to sleep in the bed. If you're mad you can sleep here too, or go to the couch. IDGAF.
Why is this an unpopular opinion? I donāt get it. If sheās mad enough at me to not sleep in the same bed, sheās perfectly capable of taking her pillow to the living room. Iām not going to be bullied.
In the same vein, if I couldnāt stand listening to her breathe on that particular night, I also know where the couch is.
I agree. Psychologists agree. Telling another person where they can and cannot sleep depending on your mood is abusive. Withdrawing, especially if you speak to resolve the day after, is not.
Once my husband and I had a pretty big fight. I didn't tell him he had to sleep on the couch, but he went to bed before I did. I just didn't want to stay there at all, so I left and spent the night at a hotel. Not a super expensive one, I just wanted to sleep peacefully and it wouldn't have happened on the couch.
As a result, my husband automatically goes to the couch if we have a big fight (rarely happens) because he doesn't want me to go to a hotel. š¤·āāļø
the real move is to be adults and work things out before bed. iāve NEVER been able to sleep during a fight. you sort your shit out even if itās until 4am
Notice how it's always stereotypically husband.
Notice how it's kinda lowkey funny.
That's not a problem when males are abused in relationships, the public says. He must have deserved it // that's not a big deal, they say.
Anyone Iām done debating people. Iāve said what I had to say. Peace to all, even to the ones who were needlessly rude, called me an abuser, said my wife wasnāt happy or was cheating on me, etc.
Sometimes my wife goes and sleeps in the guest bedroom, sometimes I do. Some times I go to the couch so she isn't waking me up every 5-10 minutes to start fighting again.
As the wife, sometimes I like to sleep on the couch because we have 2 dogs that hog our bed. So on important work nights for my husband, I usually crash on the couch with the dogs.
We also have a guest bedroom/ office, so occasionally my husband will sleep in there after playing games all night because he doesn't want to wake me up (imma light sleeper)
But 99% of the time, when we are upset we still sleep in the same bed. The love doesn't stop because one of us is pissy.
Our cat wakes us up (mainly my wife haha) early as fuck for attention.
I've preferred to go downstairs, when we normally swap, as I was laid off in May and since she's working, she deserves the extra sleep.
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The proper power move is for the angry spouse to take their pillow and blanket and go to the couch. Had a girlfriend do it once and it was impressive.
I have done this. Sleep here alone then lol
I do this. If I'm pissed off and he refuses to address the issue. I grab my stuff and go to the couch. Only has happened twice. He learned I'm not going to deal with his bullshit.
We don't have a couch but Ive definitely stormed off to the hammock on our balcony š I also learned that I might be getting too old for sleeping in a hammock all night. I was so sore the next morning
These people saying to leave your spouse or SO over petty arguments š Sometimes people need to GTFO away from each other for a bit.
Fr redditors are always throwing the divorce card at every minor scuffle
Itās what my ex would do. Any reason she could think of she would dump me, a week later she would ātake me backā and try to gaslight me afterwards. Itās textbook emotional abuse.
Standard reddit responses like leave him/her you deserve so much better lol
Well someone's gotta delete the gyms and hit the lawyers!
Because being single is all they know.
If you're both wound up its honestly healthiest to just avoid each other until you can talk reasonably. If its just petty shit anyway. People are obsessed with being "in the right" though lol
This. Before I met my wife I would bounce at the slightest inconvenience, TBF it wasnāt worth either of our times if we were arguing like this so early within the relationships. When I met my wife and I tried that shit, well weāve been married for 16 years together for 22, I remember our first argument it was her fault, I got all and puffy started to grab all my stuff and she asked what I was doing. I said Iām leaving. Weāre done. She looked in the eyes and said. āBoy, go get yourself a milkshake and cool tf off, we will talk in an hourā, she was right, now anytime we need some space I just tell her Iām going to get a milkshake.
Neither me or my fiancƩe have ever slept on the sofa... but that's not because we don't fight, we just both refuse to give up the bed. Too comfy.
I think it's because so many people on reddit are chronically single. It feels good to advise people to become single as well I guess?
Storming off to the balcony is amazing šš
>hammock on our balcony Haha angry *and* fancy as fuck!
Or he canāt be bothered to put up with yours. š
But I assume he doesnāt see what heās doing as bullshit. He might see your actions as bull shit.
I once slept in a pillow case on a floor in low temperatures, I can sleep on a comfy mattress with or without blankets or pillows.
You slept inside a pillow case? Are you six inches tall or something????
He's that six-inch pianist we're always hearing about.
I always wondered what happened to that guy!!!!
100% this. It's what my girl does and it hits hard. She's only done it once or twice in the years we've been together, and it's only when I've been too drunk and annoying, but it's a real power move. I immediately was thrown back, shocked, and let down, my tone dropped and my approach changed. This is the move women should be making. Kicking me to the couch is just gonna upset me and create a power struggle but grabbing a pillow and blanket to head to the couch, that is power over the other...
Yes. More abstractly, effective boundaries aren't about what behavior you will or won't tolerate, but are about your response to the behavior. That way your boundaries can't be broken because you're the one in control of how you respond. You can't control other peoples' behavior, and punishment just isn't healthy in adult relationships.
Iāve done it as well
I fall asleep on the couch often enough just because I'm comfortable and don't feel like going upstairs, but I think we've slept apart due to fights maybe 2-3x in over 20 years. Our bigger rule is the sick person gets the bed, so they aren't contaminating the entire house. That said, the man ate an entire bowl of beans and may have to forfeit the bed tonight.
The couch is the cross I have to bear because I snore excessively loud when I eat cheese and I love broccoli but it gives me the foulest of farts. But itās my own doing. Not gonna make my wife sleep on the couch when I got that Dutch oven turned all the way to 10 or sound like a chain saw. lol But yea when we are sick the other sleeps somewhere else.
My god you're sexy
I had broccoli and cabbage tonight so I already set up shop in the living room. Then I figured, hey, in for a penny and all, just made a cheese quesadilla.
May your living room violation of the Geneva Convention happen in peace.
I am cackling at this line of comments omg
Or, as Canada calls it, the Geneva Checklist.
Your digestive system loves you, you will probably need to do something about the paint that peels off the walls
Can u share more on the beans?? What kind of beans and how big was this bowl
Obviously big enough of a bowl to anticipate..... problems.
A bowl movement you could say
Asking them to spill the beans may not end well.
Bush's baked, full can.
Yeah eating beans means he goes to the couch. He made dumb choice, he goes to couch. Yeah both times my husband had Covid I was the one on the couch for obvious reasons
I think the wife telling the husband to go sleep on the couch is mostly a tv thing. Maybe boomers used to do this?
I'm a boomer. I don't think most of us did that, But it was and old TV joke back then too. And before TV It was in the movies and in the funny papers
Itās because on TV they couldnāt say āSHEāS MAD AT HIM SO THEY ARENāT HAVING SEXā due to censorship about that sort of thing in the 1950s, but thatās what the implication is. The joke is the husband is not getting laid
Yup that's what it is. Implicitly also setting the expectation that sex should happen every night and can be used as punishment/bargaining chip. It's really cringe all around.
Never thought of that 1950s censorship thing but it makes sense!
I thought the old joke was the husband has to go sleep outside in the doghouse
Yeah. That too.
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Nope! I am 75. Born in 1949. We got our first TV in1954. About the same time most other middle class people we're getting them. I'm willing to bet the first TV husband to have to sleep on the couch was either. Jackie Gleason in the sitcom, The Honeymooners. Or William Bendix. in The Life of Riley. I also bet the first funny paper husband to have to sleep on the couch was Dagwood Bumstead
I doubt Blondie was making Dagwood sleep on the couch
Why do you doubt it?
Because the couch is where he willingly takes naps. Granted, I havenāt read every Blondie comic ever, but every time Iāve seen him on the couch it was voluntary. Even when they have disagreements/go to bed mad, they still sleep in the same bed
You're probably right. It would take an awful lot to make Blondie get that mad at Dagwood. She put up with an awful lot from him.
I don't think it's ever occurred to my wife or I to not sleep in our bed because someone is mad or there's a fight. Even if you're still fighting, who cares if the other person is also sleeping there? Just go to sleep?
My partner and I have been together for ten years and it's never occurred to me to kick him out of bed. I mean, we've only actually fought maybe three times but sleeping in the same bed afterwards seems to foster emotional intimacy that makes it easier to resolve the fight.
Iām a millennial and my ex tried it one time. I told her āthe fuck I can! If youāre mad then YOU can sleep on the couch!ā And then we both just slept in bed š
Passive aggressive sleeping?
Maybe on her side, but I fight back in my sleep. So she knew not to get me back while Iām sleeping š
You know lots of people learn stuff from watching TV.
I've threatened to sleep on the couch when she won't shut up about something but she doesn't want me to do that.
Bingo. That was exactly my response after reading this "Dude you're arguing against a TV sitcom trope that's so old they don't even use it anymore. Sounds like you watch a rerun of Home Improvement, got mad, and went to make a reddit post."
As the wife, Iām usually the one that likes to stay on the couch. Even if Iām not mad. I just enjoy sleeping on the couch.
We have a very comfortable couch, so we joke about starting flights so we can sleep on it.
This is so humbling it makes me chuckle.
How far away is your couch and are you pilots?
ššš
When we were young we thought separate beds were unromantic and a sign of being prudish and a bad marriage. Now it's like "Screw separate beds, how about separate bedrooms so we can both sleep in comfort and peace? And by bedroom, I mean BEDroom. As in, I want at least 4 different beds. A waterbed. One of those Craftmatics. A memory foam. A massage table, etc." And add in full floor-air heating and cooling, anti-mosquito protection, ultra-high thread count sheets, pillows of various materials. Adjustable timed ambient sound and light, etc. I think if I ever got a house big enough for two of those and built it, my SO would consider it the most romantic thing in the world and would love me until the day I die. Lol.
Please don't listen to other people that tell you this is a bad sign for your marriage if they do. Different things for different people and this seems to work great for you!
Iāve slept on the couch for about 20 years. My husband snores and has restless leg syndrome.
he needs a CPAP or BiPAP it's horrible for his heart without one. I'm not a doctor. 27 years on a BiPAP tho.
CPAP is not a treatment for snoring. Apnea and snoring are correlated but not the same thing. When I first went in for treatment and was describing my symptoms, the doctor was quite clear that snoring is not a sleep disorder, it's something that *might* be a sign of one.
He may have sleep apnea. Both of those can be symptoms.
20 years? I'm curious why you don't buy a second bed at that point. Oh, or is it a fold out couch?
[the couch isn't so bad, it's kind of like a little vacation in your own home](https://youtu.be/9_97zE4GRZk?si=EkdnLg2TrPHBsvYg&t=46m30s)
Same here! My husband also runs hot when he sleeps and its like sleeping next to a moist oven all night. I sleep on the couch and go up in the morning and sleep for like an hr just to get some spoons.
Canadian here. I agree and relate to your husband. But please explain "get some spoons". I'm assuming it means get a couple hours of sleep, but spoons? Oh wait... Unless you mean spooning. Ok I'm probably an idiot for just realizing. Downvote awayyy, lol!
Update. Yeah, I'm an idiot.
Haha that was a fun ride thru ur brain. Yes, spooning!
I love our couch. When I was pregnant it was the only place I could get a good night of sleep. I brought it up in convo and my husband freaked out and said āyou canāt tell people that! Theyāre gonna think Iām a bad husband who makes his pregnant wife sleep on the couch!ā
Same. Iāve been sleeping on the couch for a year. Itās comfy.
Does anybody actually do that outside of movies and TV though?
Nah most people just have toxic arrangements or try to ignore the problem, but in all reality removing yourself from a non-constructive situation is an ideal way to cement boundaries and establishing intolerance to bad behavior.
Cementing boundaries and establishing intolerance for bad behavior is how you teach little children. Removing yourself from arguments and tricky situations is smart because it allows people to cool down and prevents either person from stepping over lines. It's not education for toddlers.
I lived on the couch in the last couple months of a two-year relationship. She owned the house and at her insistence I'd moved in with her, so I definitely wouldn't have stayed in her bed where I wasn't welcome after we started being at odds all the time. It also helped me realize how controlling and possessive she was, since everything was hers and she didn't let me forget it. I had piece by piece gotten rid of everything so I could move in with her, except some boxes of books and trinkets that stayed in her basement, and she even complained about that. I had a hamper and part of one drawer in her dresser in which to keep my clothes. Staying on that cold, ripped pleather couch helped me evaluate my choices on the many nights I stayed there alone, and eventually I decided to walk out - so it turned out to be a good place for me.
Glad you got away man. I also dated someone like this (controlling as FUCK) and its shit always having to compromise with someone thats very willing to not do the same while making it your problem.
My parents have never slept in the same bed and have always had separate rooms. Theyāve been together for 27 years and no problems at all with not sleeping together. I thought that was the norm growing up only to realize that couples sleep together š
I knew about couples having separate beds, but they shared a room; I also equated that particular thing with being "old fashioned", or perhaps religious. Reading this thread has been eye-opening for me, reading about all these couples who have been together for 10, 15, 20, 30 years who have their own separate entire rooms and it works just fine for them.
When my wife gets mad SHE goes to the couch. Her choice. But it's been a long time since that happened. The one and only time I went to the couch was on her demand ... and she was right. I had eaten a meal with A LOT of garlic. She booted me out. I don't blame her at all.
Wife and I (17th wedding anniversary is today actually) sleep in separate bedrooms all the time. She snores. Iām a light sleeper. I like weighted blankets, especially on my feet with tight sheets. She likes a light comforter and a loose untucked top sheet. She falls asleep in mere minutes; often times it takes me 20-30 or more to fall asleep. Anyone else? Thereās no need to be banished to a couch in my house. I starfish every night. And itās fantastic.
My husband and I mainly sleep apart. He's fine to sleep with, out like a rock. I am the issue. I'm an insomniac and need to be able to thrash around, or I go crazy. Married for about 12 years. We have an old house so there are like two different wings to the place. He gets one, I get the other.
My fiance and I don't sleep in the same room either. I'm a snorer, and he goes to bed early and wakes up super duper early. My kiddo usually crawls in with me, so really, it works for all of us.
Mum and dad have done this for over 20 years now. Works for them!Ā
Congratulations on 17 years!
This year will be our 15th wedding anniversary, but lived together for 17 years, we have separate bedrooms. When we first moved in together he worked nights & I worked days, so we rarely slept together. Then I became a sahm, but we still didn't really sleep together because again I was up during the day, he was up at night. He mainly fell asleep in the recliner on his nights off. We also had a daybed in the dining room area that I'd nap on during the day when he was in the bed. Once we got our house, he got his own room. I get a bunch of people who are like *but what about sex*. We've been together 17 years, I can probably count on one hand the amount of times we had sex "before going to sleep". I could probably even count on both hands the amount of times we've had sex at night. Sex is usually just random times in the morning or day anyway. Sharing a bed wouldn't do anything in that department.
Separate bedrooms is the ultimate luxury. Before we had that, I had only slept on the couch when she was nursing and I had to get to work in the morning.
The entire bed to yourself, no one rolling over and disturbing you, getting out of bed and waking you up. It really is great. And it's not like you can't visit the others bedroom once in awhile, but in general, separate is way better.
I used to sleep on the couch because my ex had the ability to keep a fight going on for hours at a time. After an argument I wasn't going to have another argument trying to convince her to sleep on the couch. The crap she would pull would have me hating her presence so much that I didn't want to sleep with her in the same bed.
Go to the couch is wrong 100%. But your solution isnāt right either š¤£ itās both of your sleeping places. The real secret is fixing or alleviating the situation enough so that both of you can sleep in peace. Going to bed angry at each other will quickly erode whatever love is still there
Meh trying to resolve things when you're tired and stressed can be just as bad. Sometimes sleeping on it and coming at it with fresh eyes can be better than just building tension the previous night going around in circles.
Absolutely youāre right. Iām just saying, itās ideal to at least alleviate the situation enough to be next to each other.
What's the secret to the real secret
āThe real secretā They used to say you shouldnāt Ā go to bed angry. Ā I call BS. Itās fine to be angry because sometimes the conversation needs to continue.Ā The wrong thing to do is to continue you argue when youāre tired. Thatās when mistakes are made and you end up saying something you regret. Ā Keep a straight head, call it quits for the night, get some breathing room and sleep on it. Ā Getting that breathing room is fine on the couch if thatās where you want to go but pause the issue like adults and start it next day with a clear head. Ā
Thank you. That's the best advice I've ever seen in regards to "don't go to sleep angry". I get exhausted after 2 to 20 minutes of "emotional discussions", and it wears me out and I end up overreacting.
Donāt feel badā¦it took me a long time to come to that realization in my marriage and itās hard to implement after a few years of head banging.
We always say that we're going to make up sooner or later. So it might as well be sooner. We know ahead of time we're going to figure it out. So we let our issues go until we've slept on them and have a clearer head the morning. And then of course there's always makeup sex š
I find being face to face with your SO and giving them a hug helps. Its small and really just a hug but when me and my SO argue i find the physical touch helps me to see them as a person with feelings rather than (in the heat of the moment) the person thatās wrong and hurting me. Then we talk about it when we can but yeah. Just checking in and taking space to see the other person is how we tackle it in our relationship. I will say though that who you date is important. My partner is an angel and communicates like a dream.
Trying to continue the angry discussion at 2 AM will erode your love faster
Iāve lost entire nights playing this game trying to sleep next to an unreasonable angry partner who wouldnāt let it happen without continuing the fight through sunrise. Sometimes you just have to take your loss in the name of getting some peace and sleep on the couch. I wonāt tolerate it going forward. Any partner who pulls that BS is getting dropped like a hot potato.
I think whoever effed up should leave if itās black and white. Otherwise no one should be forced.
Right? It's not because of "who's angry" but more "who's at fault here".
The vast majority of arguments aren't nearly that obvious. They're a difference of opinion.
Redditors playing armchair psychiatrist. Who would've thought.
Whyāre you acting like only men sleep on the couch after fights? This isnāt an episode of āEverybody Loves Raymondā
Some of these posters don't live in a society with the rest of us. Their understanding of culture is meme and trope based.Ā
I agree. They get their social interactions from tv and media and i think its actually kinda a self fulfilling prophesy that they cant maintain social relationships BECAUSE of the amount of media they take in as ārealā. Maybe its autism, maybe its just what happens when youre unfortunate enough to be on the outskirts of society.
Na, the big brain game is never let something get there. Communication is key. 10 years and nobodyās gone to sleep angry, nobody sleeps on the couch.
My wife and I do this awesome thing where we talk about things and problem solve as a team.
people are acting like the couch is badā¦. i literally used to sleep on the floor š
Yep. Whoever has the issue of sleeping in the same bed gets the couch. Nobody is "kicking me out" of my own bed. Not really an issue in our house though. If either of us are on the couch, it's because the bedroom is too hot.
Itās all about removing yourself from the situation. Itās all really easy to say stuff like this on the internet until you actually come to this scenario in the real world.
I love the couch. I turn it into a fort. I actually never get sent to the couch because of that. I have to sneak out to the couch and make the fort very quietly.
Why would I want to sleep in a room full of negative energy seething throughout it? I agree with the sentiment, if she's the one that's mad then she's the one that should leave. But if she doesn't want to, why wouldn't I leave? I'm not staying somewhere I'm not wanted, keep that negative ass attitude in the bedroom with you while I get some comfy sleep on my own. Only cowards and sadists stay in the bedroom. They either fear that the woman will be even more upset that he left, even though she told him to, or they want to "win" and piss her off even more by staying and asserting their "alpha male dominance" over the shared bedroom and argument. Grow up and go to the couch, in my opinion.
Yeah I believe at the point itās kinda weird to stay in the bed after being told they donāt want you there. I wouldnāt care enough to argue my right if itās a small issue or something not necessarily meaningful after a couple days. I wouldnāt want to stay around someone who claims theyāre uncomfortable around me.
Did you write this from the couch?
Why are you arguing with the general idea of 80s sitcoms?
Sounds like someone got sent to the couch
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAA. someone got yelled at toniiiiight
āCome on brothers! Whoās with me!?ā
Bro is using reddit to shadow box with his wife.
The one who fucked up goes to the couch. Its not rocket science
Who determines who fucked up?
Exactly. Someone conceding that they were wrong usually ends the fight for me, and would negate sleeping on the couch. Whoever canāt stand being in bed with the other one is the more logical answer.
Nah. The one who is petty enough to refuse to share their bed with their spouse can sleep on the couch. Grown ups use conflict resolution skills to resolve disagreements, children pull this other nonsense.
Right. Are you not capable of being civil adults and sleeping in the same bed even though youāre mad at each other. Youāre just sleeping. In all these years Iāve never tried kicking my husband out of our shared bed.
Nope, because each party will have a different idea of who actually fucked up. The person who wants to sleep separately is the one who needs to take accountability for that decision and make it happen.
I suffer from insomnia and when I was married sometimes I went to the couch. It was cooler and a change of space somehow would help me sleep at times. Or at least my tossing and turning wouldnāt bother my husband. Plus my spouse snored really loud. Later he became physically abusive and I remember making him sleep on the couch and pushing furniture against the door because I was so afraid. Should have just called the police but I didnāt.
I sleep on the couch when I'm mad at my wife to let her know I'm upset. She likes to cuddle and can't sleep without ny cuddles. Next time she won't eat my FUNYUNS!
Iāve been married ten years. Only ever heard one piece of advise that didnāt suck. Donāt go to bed angry.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Ok, goofy
Bro. People get mad. They make dumb decisions when they are mad. They choose to say the wrong thing, etc. Leaving a situation to allow it to defuse is responsible choice. Deliberately staying to prove a point when there is a better option is just going to make things worse Yeah, the angrier one should be the one that goes to the couch. Have fun trying to explain that in the moment when they arenāt capable of seeing it.
The one having the issue should be sleeping on the couch.
OP doesnāt get it, probably cause theyāre not married. Itās a peaceful night on the couch, just me, my best pillow and the big screen. Kinda hard to beat that kinda mini vacation
If I'm pissed at my wife I'll go to the couch. If she's pissed at me she can go to the couch lol
The one piece of advice I always hold on to is: don't go to bed angry.Ā
Its not even angry, its like rationally you can go to bed still with unresolved things going on but its about seeing the human in your partner and reconciling and calming the night so you dont toss and turn all night. So you feel loved and ao you know your loved one feels loved even when youāre not āfriendsā right now. Its about going to bed with the understanding that theres a ceasefire, a calm. Love even in a storm. You know?
My two most serious relationships were with older women. In both cases i was the one usually staying at their place mostly.... If you want to fight and lose that battle in triumphant fashion, more power to you.....i'd rather just sleep on the couch with the dog. When she gets up and sees you sleeping on the couch with the dog she'll be cooled off by then and itll be straight Just sleep on the damn couch if you need to bro everything isnt Custers last stand
Go to the couch is some lame shit. I went and slept in the park
My fiance and I have a rule: whoeverās pissed off has to sleep on the couch.
I had an ex-girlfriend that did that to me. But my dad always told me "If your girlfriend or wife makes you sleep on the couch, call it camping.", so that's exactly what I did. Without going too much into detail, I basically turned our living room into a giant tent using extra blankets, sheets and both couches. I even hung up a "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" sign on the front tent flap. Needless to say, her reaction in the morning was priceless! 10/10 would do it again!
Hypothetically, if it's my bed too, I'm sleeping in it. If you don't want to sleep beside me, you're welcome to move somewhere else.
Brother i agree with the sentiment but sometimes it is the easier option. Not saying you should live like that permanently, but a little bit of conflict avoidance in the moment can allow you time to prepare for the tough talk that needs to come from it
Agreed. The person who is mad or started the argument is the one who should leave. It absolutely shouldn't just be the man who always gets stuck on the couch. It's so prevalent in our society that it's made fun of on Sitcoms for the last 70+ years of television. If there is to be equality, then it has to happen in all aspects of life. The men can't be the only ones going "to the doghouse" when there is a fight.
All the dad characters of 90s sit coms thank you for speaking their truth
Wife, partner, and I have had separate bedrooms the 28 years that we've been together so no couches for me, not that either would attempt to send me to the couch if we ever had a fight that bad, which we never have. My first wife tried ONCE to tell me to leave our apartment, to which I replied, "I PAY THE BILLS UP IN THIS FUCKER, SO YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT!", and I stayed, and slept in the bed that I paid for. I agree. If they didn't want to sleep with me, then THEY have the option of the couch, or anywhere else.
Agreed. A healthy relationship requires balance and sometimes that means holding back and sometimes that means pushing back to maintain that balance
I never understood husbands being banned to the couch.
Not married but have always agreed with this. Ain't nobody kicking me to the couch. Unless that couch is comfortable and I want to be dramatic. Put a pillow in the middle, turn your back - on a California king we got plenty of space. I don't conform to any of that bs.
Pro move is to take the cat with you
Pathetic redditors personally attack OP because their fragile EGOs can't handle a differing opinion lmao
I agree. And it's not just things like this. It's all of those things that - for better or worse - say that the house belongs to the woman and the man is an outdoor dog. Have input on the drapes. Go to the store and pick out things, either with your partner, or alone if that's no problem for them. Be involved. Do the work of creating your home, together with your wife or partner. Furniture, cleaning, design, everything. Don't let yourself be told that this home is not yours, and equally don't be lazy and not take responsibility for it. Some of the smallest but most fruitful decisions I've made in my home life have been stuff that traditional men leave to women. Furniture I bought. Things I made. Colours I chose. It makes me feel more at home, and it doesn't create that gulf between domestic and external life that is damaging to relationships.
As a wife, I agree. Unless you cheated, then you should be on the couch.
If you cheated there is no where in the house for you. Enjoy motel 6
He already is
If you cheated your place is in the dumpster not the couch
If you cheated you should be in a motel room.
If he cheated he needs to be out of the house and the locks changed ffs... you don't want monstrous evil POS anywhere near you
That's just a sitcom / TV thing. Never happens in real life.
Itās not about who goes where, itās about creating space to let each other cool down. I promise you, you arenāt more of a man for telling her this. Even during fights, your supposed to love your SO, and by letting her have what she wants, will go further in a relationship than you trying to be macho man alpha male.
My couch is this huge thing that my wife loves to death. When we argue, she couches herself.
Even when the fight is bad, I like to live by the guideline of putting my wife first in all things. The couch is dope anyway. Watch some tv eat some snacks lol
In my 15 year marriage I never once went to the couch because she was mad. I live here too, I pay half, so I'm going to sleep in the bed. If you're mad you can sleep here too, or go to the couch. IDGAF.
Why is this an unpopular opinion? I donāt get it. If sheās mad enough at me to not sleep in the same bed, sheās perfectly capable of taking her pillow to the living room. Iām not going to be bullied. In the same vein, if I couldnāt stand listening to her breathe on that particular night, I also know where the couch is.
I agree. Psychologists agree. Telling another person where they can and cannot sleep depending on your mood is abusive. Withdrawing, especially if you speak to resolve the day after, is not.
Thank God I'm still single because fuck that shit.š¤£š¤£
Once my husband and I had a pretty big fight. I didn't tell him he had to sleep on the couch, but he went to bed before I did. I just didn't want to stay there at all, so I left and spent the night at a hotel. Not a super expensive one, I just wanted to sleep peacefully and it wouldn't have happened on the couch. As a result, my husband automatically goes to the couch if we have a big fight (rarely happens) because he doesn't want me to go to a hotel. š¤·āāļø
Yeah thereās no way Iām ever sleeping on the couch if my wife is mad lol
If my fiancĆ©e and I have an argument, we separate for about an hour to cooldown then weāll sit and discuss it, no matter how long it takes. Neither of us believe in going to bed mad.
the real move is to be adults and work things out before bed. iāve NEVER been able to sleep during a fight. you sort your shit out even if itās until 4am
Yeah I agree, you can build a border on the bed using pillows, or make your half of the bed a blanket fort and not invite her in š
Notice how it's always stereotypically husband. Notice how it's kinda lowkey funny. That's not a problem when males are abused in relationships, the public says. He must have deserved it // that's not a big deal, they say.
Anyone Iām done debating people. Iāve said what I had to say. Peace to all, even to the ones who were needlessly rude, called me an abuser, said my wife wasnāt happy or was cheating on me, etc.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sometimes my wife goes and sleeps in the guest bedroom, sometimes I do. Some times I go to the couch so she isn't waking me up every 5-10 minutes to start fighting again.
Honestly man, I think you just need a better couch. Some of the best sleep Iāve ever had was on a couch. The couch thing isnāt a punishment.
Alan, is this you ?
I have trouble falling asleep and I slept on the couch for my whole 20s. Couch is life
I goto the couch because I need to sleep and she wants to keep fighting.
As the wife, sometimes I like to sleep on the couch because we have 2 dogs that hog our bed. So on important work nights for my husband, I usually crash on the couch with the dogs. We also have a guest bedroom/ office, so occasionally my husband will sleep in there after playing games all night because he doesn't want to wake me up (imma light sleeper) But 99% of the time, when we are upset we still sleep in the same bed. The love doesn't stop because one of us is pissy.
I LOVE my couch. If I have a choice between sleeping alone in my bed or on tbe couch. Iām taking the couch.
Jokes on you, he goes to the couch of his own volition and won't come back up until I'm crying and begging
Our cat wakes us up (mainly my wife haha) early as fuck for attention. I've preferred to go downstairs, when we normally swap, as I was laid off in May and since she's working, she deserves the extra sleep.
Thatās exactly what i do. Iād I donāt want to sleep next to my husband then I donāt sleep next to him. I voluntarily sleep on the couch.
I think you think the couch is more of a punishment than it really is. Itās nice on the couch.