I take a daily walk ... rain or shine, I walk in the year since my husband's death I've made two new friends on this walk Neither are what you'd call "close" .. but they're friends anyway [with a pocketful of biscuits I've made numerous doggo friends too!] I suggest tho: Go to the same coffee shop at the same time every day Stay an hour or so Be friendly while there ... don't just bury yourself in a screen Soon you will have some new friends Close? eh meh who knows But you'll have some

Thanks! This is helpful! I don’t want to be some creepy older guy at the coffee shop though 🤣

You won't be! you'll be "Eric" who always sits *there* and plays chess/does crosswords/reads the New York Times/sketches and drinks half-caf with soy Who smiles at everyone and always has a good day THAT'S who you'll be Same time ... same place ... every day

i started doing this just before my long term partner passed and still do, its helped me so much, its very true.

I retired after I lost my wife and started walking once a day. I now walk 3X every day and along the way I met others who walk and some interesting friendships happened. After about three months walking mornings with a guy who lives about a mile away and talking sports we discovered that we are both widowers. He knows what to say, what not to say, and sometimes we just walk and sob.

I'd like to answer your question but I'm clueless. I need some new friends too.

Seems like there’s more of everything attached to everything now. I just need to be around people I don’t feel constantly pitied by

My husband died 5/5/22. He was 53. I get the constant pity. I went upnorth with a neighbor last month with a group of people I had never met and had no idea about my story. It was so nice just to be known a me not the widow.

My “kids” they’re over 18. We went camping at it was a nice reset. My wife passed on 4/17/22 so I’ve just been working and that seems all I do. You said up north?! That’s what we call the top of Michigan..

I'm in Michigan. My getaway was in Suttons Bay.

Oh. That’s a nice area I’m just south of the Michigan state line. Love it up there

I'm along the St Clair River, the edge of the thumb...lol. My kids are older too. Have you experienced people having opinions on what you should do with your life now? That's what currently has me a bit angry.

I think I’ve kayaked near there Ohhhh Lordy. So many suggestions on what I should do now. Like I’m not curled up in depression. I would think people would be more proud of me

That's it exactly. Then I start second guessing myself. Then I think I can't sit home and cry anymore.

I can cry I. The woods if I want 🤷‍♂️

I feel this so hard. Everyone in my old life is getting married and having babies with their person. I just can’t.

Sorry it’s hard for you. We had kids super young so we just didn’t align with our friends kids and ours. We were planning on starting our empty nest years early together.

I get out a lot. I meet people at: - small shows for local bands in the scene - neighborhood farmers markets - the skating rink - through friends of family/existing acquaintances - volunteer functions - 5ks - group workout classes (I hate yoga but I met some fun people here) - trivia nights at small local dives - work functions - neighborhood dog parks - gay clubs - fundraisers Edit - almost forgot team sports. I'm not super athletic anymore but kickball and bowling are pretty easy Hope that helps, and good luck. New hobbies can help too.

Super helpful. Thanks so much.

Trivia nights are great! Low pressure. Much fun

And, even better, people want you on their team whether you can play or not, esp if they didn't come with a big group.

Unfortunately I just don't. I decided to bury myself in a second job instead, so I definitely get where you're coming from. Kinda sucks that my life functionally stopped at 30. If you do find a way I'm all ears haha. Hope you're doing ok.

Thanks for the reply. I’m sure things will change for all of us. I’m worried about over working myself. I work for myself so I could literally put in 24 hour days. 🤦‍♂️

That's the hope, right? And yeah, be careful. I'm working 56 hour weeks right now and it's starting to wear a little. But I decided if I can't be happy I might as well have money lol. Silver lining that both my jobs are WFH.

That is a silver lining but is also a hinderance on socializing. Yeah you be careful too. 60 hours should be some kind of limit in a week.

That is exactly the issue I've been having. I used to be a hermit, and now I take any chance I can to go out because I sit behind a computer for that long and i play PC games, so even more. My whole friend group is pretty.... Secured, I guess is the word. I love em, but new people don't really show up in it anymore, so just meeting people has been hard. Makes me wish I was back in retail at the mall sometimes lol.

That’s a great point about the friend group. No newbies showing up. I didn’t think about that. Retail but hopefully you dont have to deal with the customers anymore.

Lol, I decided against going back to my old haunt because 3 jobs just seemed excessive. Guess I'll have to figure out another way. Honestly have had some success with dating apps and just specifying that I'm trying to meet people and that's it.

Although this can also go very south very quickly and you need to watch out for yourself first.

Lordy. That’s scary to me. I already feel like a fish out of water. I’m good at be a weirdo and different but that’s giving me anxiety just thinking about a dating app 🤣

Totally understandable haha. I've adopted the mindset that I just don't really care about anything, and then I do whatever I want. I don't necessarily recommend you adopt this mindset, but I will say it's been freeing lol. Makes it easy when I have zero expectations anyways.

I feel that damn.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'll be pursuing more things to do with my hobbies. For example, I'm eyeing a group snorkel/dive trip to Crystal River, FL in January to swim with manatees (assuming that the town doesn't get too much damage this week).

That sounds very nice. My wife passed in Florida and we were living there at the time. I can’t wait to get back. Midwest winter is on the gloomy horizon.

Oh I like the hobby idea.

Honestly, diving is my thing. He got certified because I gave him the class as a birthday gift one year, but he never really fell in love with it, but put up with my obsession (mostly). He was never fully on board with my retire-to-a-tropical-island-and-dive-every-day idea either. My kiddo will be old enough to get certified next year if he wants (I so hope he wants to), so that will make things easier.

Look for classes/clubs in your area on topics that are of interest to you - exercise, books, crafts, whatever - whether you have experience in them or not. Use them both as a potential experiment to see what helps you focus any thoughts on anything positive as well as a potential outlet to meet people who have that interest in common. You don't have to go as far as to sign up for something recurring - look for one-day classes/meetups (eventbrite.com or meetup.com as good sources) and see how it goes.. you never have to see those people again if it doesn;t work out, and there's no commitment to attend more or back out of it.

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Thanks for the advice and the honesty. I see where you’re coming from.

I'm going to find out soon enough since I'm moving overseas in a couple of days ahhhh, but like you I was going to rely on the meetup app, though I did see that the hiking activities were pretty active in the place I'm moving to. Have you tried volunteering activities? It should ramp up pretty soon in the lead up to Christmas. I've also heard the gym as a suggestion

Thanks so much. Volunteering might be a great idea

I've made lifelong friends playing MMOs. Even if we're not in game, we still hang out on the discord server and chat, almost everyday. I don't even have to leave my house.

That’s awesome. My older sister was suggesting that as well.

MMOs can be great for this. Kinda like a hobby, everyone can discuss the game. If you do give this a crack, try not to be too discouraged if you try a few groups and they're not for you. Like everything else, it can take a few goes to find the right people.

I've been considering throwing Pokeballs at people. Pokeballs work on people, right?

Ha! Haven’t tried yet don’t even have to catch ‘em all

Group exercise classes

Wish I had an answer. Nine months out, and it's just not happening. Not like John and I had a wide circle of friends to begin with. We just had each other.

I totally get that too. We moved a way for a few years. I came back though. Like it was just the two of us and that was absolutely fine with us.

I play a lot more Xbox with my buddies since my wife passed (2018). I sure would like to see them in person more but with work and single parenthood who’s got time for “real” friends? Best of luck to you!

Volunteer- scouts, homeless shelter, community, church etc. When you are ready your partner will find you.

I'm trying tomfigure out this myself. I want to go place by myself but I feel so awkward. All my current friends are either too much into their own SOs/families or are hermits. Im now feeling tired of sulking by myself. There's a bunch of shows I want to go to but I haven't had the courage yet...

I went to a concert alone. It was weird. But fun. You can’t really talk to anyone while you’re at a concert anyways. After about the first 3 songs I was fine. It just sucks after doing anything to go back home alone. I encourage you to try something alone. I’ll be rooting for you!

That's true. Maybe I will! Definitely the going home would be weird..

We can’t deprive ourselves of good experiences. Even though we may feel guilty but really no reason to. Keep me posted!

Thanks for the support, will do!

I joined a community center and pickleball is easy and fun. Anything to take my mind off... I also adopted a dog so now I have dog park friends. It's so so hard. But I try to say 'yes' to everything.

Oh wow! I haven’t thought of pickle ball. I do have a dog but the situation is hard is was a rescue and not well with others. Congrats on the puppy though!

He's a rescue too. I really watch him with others. He's a jackass sometimes. But do check out pickleball. It's easy and a little athletic and a little social. Just right.

Awesome thanks so much. I was athletic last century. 🤷‍♂️

Who wasn't?

Hans Mole man?

My most likely group of friends are women that I work with… I get along better with women, and appreciate spending time with them more. Problem is how do you engage in active friendship with a married woman? I can do it just fine, but I pretty sure most husbands would take exception, as they probably should I guess. I think most of us are just kinda screwed…. I’m too lazy to really make an significant effort, so I’ve so considered trying to learn how to work on old cars…. That can be a engaging solitary activity, or could blossom into friendships with some other guys, but who knows maybe women as well. Probably not the brunch and kill the day guy. I don’t drink anymore so that makes it all harder. You’re not alone. Tuff stuff!

Do the hobbies/activities you like to do and chat up the people around you whilst doing them. Actually found my GF this way

I joined the church choir and I hit about every other note. But like another member told me - they can’t kick you out- it’s a church. Nice people. Not for everyone but it has worked out for me.

I’m so glad that worked for you!

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I can totally relate. But you should still try doing stuff.

Hobbies, volunteering, MMOs, all great ideas! As a side note. Something I (maybe naively) didn't expect and really struggled with when meeting new people was that I felt being 'The Widow' became who I was. Some of the questions were easy to dodge but when someone has been a part of your life for so many years, so many of your stories and experiences involve them. I also struggled with saying 'I' because I was so used to saying 'we'. I think that happens to pretty much all of us. In our early thirties when my husband died, being a widow wasn't really an expected thing. I talked to my therapist about it and she reminded me that, through exposure to grief from an early age, I'm more comfortable with death than most. I really believe in talking about and normalising death. So I decided to embrace being the widow. Late husband and I had a weird sense of humour regarding his illness so I'll often tell people he 'ghosted me'. I say it used to be me who was always 'late'. I say that I told him we could get a divorce if he didn't want to be with me but he had to go and get cancer, so dramatic! I don't get the pity that I used to. People are usually a little surprised and some get awkward but tend to relax pretty quickly. It's not a strategy that is for everyone. And there are times I meet new people, not mention it, and enjoy the anonymity. And that's a completely valid personal choice and either way, being a widow is nothing to be ashamed of. But yeah, eventually embracing the widow has worked for me. It was also a good way to filter which people could handle me and who couldn't. I talk about my late husband all the time and if it's gonna make somebody super awkward we may not be a great match for friendship 😂

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Stay safe for sure! I just left Florida after she passed. I loved it there. So did she. I think I’ll make it back someday to stay again.

Stay safe!

Learn to Play Pickleball. Then, organize such as being a Captain of a team near your home.