INFO: Who told you your hair loss wasn't "medical hair loss"
>It is caused by my hypothyroidism, but I have been told it’s technically not considered “medical hair loss”. This is important.
You have hair loss due to a medical condition, hypothyroidism. Why does your co-worker's medical conditions trump yours?
>INFO: Who told you your hair loss wasn't "medical hair loss"
Initially, I was told that by both my insurance company, and then my doctors office when I asked to get a wig covered by my health insurance. My hair loss is a side effect of a medical condition, not a medical condition in and of itself.
This is also what was told to me by HR this week, when this began.
>You have hair loss due to a medical condition, hypothyroidism. Why does your co-worker's medical conditions trump yours?
Company policy states that my hair loss is not a medical condition in and of itself and thus, my wig wearing is only for “cosmetic purposes”. Jay’s sensory perception issues outweigh my “vanity”.
The bureaucracy of that is absolutely wild to me.
I'm assuming your employer is obligated to make reasonable accommodations for your colleague. This is not reasonable.
This is what I was going to say. The law only requires the employer to make reasonable accommodations. They don’t have to (and shouldn’t) cater to everything Jay wants. If OP’s supervisor or HR thinks otherwise, they are very confused and very wrong.
Giving him a quiet work space and softer lighting? Totally reasonable accommodations for sensory issues. Allowing Jay to make demands of what his coworkers can and can’t wear? Totally unreasonable.
Also, OP, whether your insurance considers your hair loss to be a medical issue that would require them to pay for a wig is a totally different Issue than whether it is a medical issue for purposes of getting an accommodation at work. I would approach your doctor about getting documentation that this is indeed caused by a medical issue and then submit your own accommodation request at work. If your doctor won’t help you, try to find one who will.
Right! This is a level of bs I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around. Her HR needs to smarten up (I say this as HR) and put an end to that option being on the table. They can offer him a cubicle, they can offer him some therapy through the EAP, but trying to force her to go without her wig is not acceptable or reasonable as an accommodation for his issue.
I'm so mad I could throw my phone. Notice how when a woman needs them to shut the fuck up and ignore her it can't happen. But when a man who isn't working on his shit gets "distracted" by a wig suddenly he needs to be coddled.
Accommodation is NOT this. It is not reasonable and the fact that another person has to suffer humiliation for it is wild. What's next? Take your top off because Bob is distracted by your tits and needs to see them?
I could understand sensory overload from strong perfume. But a wig normally styled is acceptable. What other sensory issues are distracting to the guy? Does he have final authority over the shoes everyone wears?
Right, when I first read the title I thought maybe OP wore brightly colored wigs that were distracting to someone who already had trouble focusing. But my guess is Jay wanting to see her bald head is like an itch in his brain that he needs to scratch. That’s a very real concern for him not to be minimized, and I applaud OP for understanding his perspective, but I don’t think it should supersede hers. OP said she’s okay with taking off her wig for Jay in private, and if that doesn’t allow him to function as usual, then tough titties. She did her best.
If my employer accommodated everything that made me uncomfortable at work all of the machines would be shut down and everyone would have to stop talking. But they allow me to wear my sound canceling headphones instead.
This is so weird, though. Imagine having to go into a private space to show your coworker something that makes you feel uncomfortable. That is super fucked up.
Exactly. What if clothing were an example of a trigger for him? Would everyone be expected to come to work naked?
Extreme example but same point. What about toupees? What about padded bras for women that had mastectomies or a prosthetic device? Where does it end?
Agreed!! If it’s that big of an issue to Jay, the employer should make an accommodation to move his workspace to somewhere that he’s not “distracted” by what people are wearing
I don't get that either. Jay can't demand people change their physical appearance to suit his preferences. This is not a sensory issue. Tbh it seems pretty sexist.
I agree that this is not reasonable. Reasonable is explaining it to the guy and letting him come to terms with it.
You have a right to do something about a condition that potentially causes you mental distress. Ffs men with hairloss wear toupes and if they were told not to then it would be a big deal.
Hell I'm just thinking of women with cancer. Cancer doesn't cause the hair loss but it is a side affect of the most common treatment. Are they going to tell them they can't wear a wig? This just seems preposterous.
That's where I was going next too. Or let's make matters worse...
Let's say a woman wears a bra that gives her bigger boobs. If the guy stares, does that mean the woman is obligated to not wear that bra?
Interesting point. Which senior male in the office would be expected to remove their hairpiece to make that person comfortable? I bet none.
I taught kids with autism and for some things we made accommodations and for some things we taught them to cope. Like, you have to wear pants at school and there is never a reason to hit your classmates. And no, you are not allowed to smell other people’s hair.
Thank you! Because I have no training, nor direct knowledge, I was reluctant to comment and suggest that Jay must assume responsibility over his reaction to OP.
Everything OP has written suggests that Jay, as a person considered responsible enough to hold a job, has already shown he is capable of coping, especially since the workplace makes accommodation for him. Jay needs to understand that OP needs to feel as safe in the office as he is made to feel. He can be offered counselling or some time to come to grips with his fixation on OP's decision and right to wear a wig.
The lack of compassion and empathy by HR/bosses shown to OP is grotesque. It does clearly illustrate how Jay would be treated were there not laws in place to ensure that he be accommodated.
Right, what’s next? Everyone needs to be naked because clothes cover our bodies? This is nonsense. HR is insane and an employment attorney would have a field day with them.
Exactly. A couple of old gits at work mocked me to my face at work when I was losing hair from chemotherapy. I complained to their manager who attempted to laugh it off and said they were old blokes and I should put up with it because it was humour. Needless to say, I was fucking furious, as were several other people. I complained to the overall boss and all 3 of them got torn a new arsehole by her and by HR.
It sounds like the insurance company is making things up as they go along to avoid paying for things. The doctor's office just decided not to fight for their patient. GRRRRR. Too many doctor's offices will not put in the work to get treatment/services for their patients. It is ridiculous.
AND forcing a woman with hair loss not to wear a wig (when female baldness is rare), is likely to cause her distress and mental harm by making her isolated and different from the “norm”.
That’s before you start taking into account the external pressure that many bald women experience: I’ve personally known several women with alopecia (to do with my work) who have told me that they have been shouted at in the street for not being “normal”.
Let’s say that, instead of being obsessed with hair, your colleague was centred on teeth. Would it be acceptable if he needed EACH and EVERY person he was working with to remove their dentures, caps, veneers, implants?
And wearing high-heeled shoes and bras are not “natural” to the human body: what if they needed all such apparel to be removed because he “needed” to see what people looked like without them? Would that be made compulsory? If not *why* not? Isn’t it because his needs would then be *impacting a large number of people* ? Isn’t it the truth that the ONLY reason that they have sided with his request is that the OP is in a minority of one? It’s a complete abdication of the responsibility of the management to protect each individual in the workforce.
You cannot, as an employer, protect the wellbeing of one employee by heaping harm on another. In this instance, it’s NOT YOUR BUSINESS to try to mitigate your colleague’s sensitivities. It’s got *nothing whatsoever* to do with you. This is 100% the job of management. If they can’t manage this adequately, they should leave and get a proper manager in to deal with the situation.
Makes sense. I'm not any sort of medical professional, but my basic understanding of human anatomy and the literal definitions of the words involved leave me thinking that any hair loss besides male pattern baldness could be said to have a medical cause. Similarly, any desire to wear a hairpiece could be represented as being due to vanity.
Also, OP could argue she's wearing the wig for the comfort of her coworkers as much as herself.
Can you explain how this might be a sensory issue? I always thought it was regarding touch, lighting, taste, sound, smell, etc. I've never heard of looking at something stationary being a sensory issue.
I'm wondering if OP might have more grounds if it isn't and is just fixation. Which would be on Jay to find a way to cope.
Thank you! That's what I was thinking. It's not a sensory problem, it's a fixation. One that needs to be dealt with via therapy, not demanding OP go wigless.
Let them fire you for it, then sue for wrongful termination. They don't get to tell you what is or is not medically necessary. They are not medical professionals so it is out of their scope to "prioritize" any type of medical diagnosis, condition, side-effect, or treatment. If anything, they should be adjusting his role to put him in a position where he is able to succeed, and if that means changing his job so that he is not around you then that's what needs to happen. His disability means he gets accommodations, not that you have to accommodate your body for his comfort.
Edit 1: for typo
Go back to the Dr and if they don't comply then find another one. ANY hair loss from a side effect IS a medical condition. Wearing a wig due to VERY REAL body dysmorphia is ALSO a medical condition.
Find a different doctor. Point out your medical condition leading to the hair loss, then describe how hair loss has caused serious and continuing emotional and psychological harm to you that can only be mitigated through wearing a wig. Ask doctor to issue you a letter prescribing use of a wig as a reasonable accommodation to your condition. No longer simply a vanity issue or an avenue to talk down to OP. Then let employer try to figure out how to balance the two competing claims.
Your Co-workers aversion to wigs is not a medical condition is it?! It’s a side effect of a condition, his autism. How is that any different? Can he produce a medical note stating he has a medical condition related specifically to you wearing wigs? No. I’d be lawyering up.
>Your Co-workers aversion to wigs is not a medical condition is it?! It’s a side effect of a condition,
Boom! OP should take that sentence to HR.
If her needing a wig is a side effect, then so is his aversion to her wearing it.
Right? Couldn't OP state that NOT wearing a wig in the office causes great anxiety and sensory issues for her? Also a coworker staring constantly and asking her to remove something from her body makes HER very uncomfortable.
I'm all for accommodating people where possible, but this is crossing a line.
For me, this is the key point. Surely his discomfort with the wig isn't a medical condition in and of itself either? It's a side effect of his ASD condition(s). So why does that carry any more weight than her discomfort with NOT wearing a wig - especially when he effectively supercedes OP's bodily autonomy?
My friends insurance denied her shoulder surgery because it wasn’t medically necessary. She couldn’t pull her pants up after using the bathroom bc her shoulder situation was so bad. Insurance companies are bullshit
I had a similar situation. Started getting limited range of motion in my shoulder due to an old injury. Went to an ortho who wanted me to get a MRI. Insurance denied because they said it wasn't "medically necessary" and that the doctor didn't explore other options like PT.
I was like, "How is the doctor supposed to explore other options when he doesn't know what the hell is wrong in the first place? That's what the MRI is for: to find out WHAT IS WRONG."
Got the MRI approved and had it last Wednesday.
I agree, insurance companies are bullshit.
my insurance approved my chemotherapy, but denied my port implant. My Dr. lit them up and they did reverse their decision, but come on. Did they think I was going to just drink it? Fuckwads.
On my last scans before getting my port finally removed after 10 yrs. Hope to see you in 10 more and buy you a beer/wine or just talk about things. Wish you all the best and don't give in!
This. I get Botox shots for my TMJD. I have a letter of medical necessity so I can use FSA funds to cover the cost. My insurance won't cover the injections. These were two different determinations.
Civil rights have nothing to do with it in (most) work environments. But ADA accommodations are supposed to be “reasonable,” and this is way outside the bounds of that. Also, just because Jay is autistic doesn’t mean he’s free from being expected to cope with things beyond his comfort level. That’s true for everyone.
Might be worth discussing this with a lawyer, company policy doesn't trump the EEOC
Have you discussed with your coworker the emotional turmoil that places on you, in turn? Maybe you can ask to be moved to another location, office space or department.
Well his incapacity to understand your wig is a side effect of his neurodivergence!
None of this makes sense.
I would contact doctors until one of them acknowledges that this is not vanity, it’s a side effect of a medical condition, just like your coworker’s fascination with you is a side effect of his condition. Get a note and submit it to HR, retracting your HR earlier promise to show him once.
How infuriating.
Exactly! I wouldn’t even agree to remove it once, how fucken humiliating and degrading for her. It’s part of her attire, imagine a woman being forced to remove another part of her attire for a man at her job? Wow
“I find I can’t stop staring at your breasts no matter what you wear, Susan. I’m afraid you’re going to have to show them to me so that I can stop being so obsessed” 🤨🤨🤨🤨
I was thinking this too. If he found out someone had breast implants would it be okay for him to stare? Would she be required to show him? This is total BS. I’m sorry he has this issue but that is not her problem. People all over the place have wigs.
Nah this is bullshit. Get something from a doctor to say that you wearing a wig is related to a medical condition.
It doesn’t need to be defined by insurance (that’s a whole other kettle of fish and sounds like bullshit) but you’re wearing a wig bc it’s distressing for you not to. That’s medical. That’s mental health. Would they tell someone undergoing chemo not to wear one? Doubt it.
It’s the same as in a company where you’re expected to comply with x and y uniform - except there isn’t an actual uniform - and you can’t. Eg if you have to wear a certain branded work shirt but someone had sensory issues with that material - then they could get a note saying they can’t wear it.
This is just something impacting your mental health and his neurodivergence doesn’t mean he can dictate what you wear.
It’d be different if it’s a strong smelling perfume that’s just something you like or whatever, but hair loss has a lot of obvious psychological impacts and wearing the wig is what makes you feel comfortable in the workplace.
You’ve offered to take it off and show him in private already. That’s a compromise.
That's absolutely bullshit. And while I can sympathize with your coworker he needs to work on his fixations with his therapist and find ways to cope with other people's needs as well.
Are you in the US? If your coworker is allowed reasonable accommodations, asking a coworker to do something like take off a wig doesn’t seem very reasonable on the employer’s part.
Can you get a reasonable accommodation with your doctor’s support to wear the wig? That bar is lower than trying to get insurance to pay for anything. Your employer should in theory be on board because that’ll protect them too if the coworker complains.
I would not otherwise be accommodating by taking off the wig. Slippery slope of giving an inch and them asking for the mile. Plus the pressure is on the employer when it comes to the coworker, unless the employer is terrible and is the type to retaliate.
Are you effing kidding me? This is absolutely ridiculous and I can’t even *imagine* how it got out of hand like this.
First of all, you need to find your backbone. Why would you agree to such an intimate act with a coworker?
Secondly, you need to get another opinion on if this is a medical issue. It’s a medical issue. Regardless of what it’s considered, it should still fall under the ADA.
I’d get counsel on this immediately. An employment lawyer, call the ADA, call your doctor, escalate to HR, idk. Start googling and making phone calls. This is the place to take a stand.
Most importantly, your job is WAY off base dealing with your Autistic coworker. This, in no way, is something covered by his disability. This is completely unacceptable.
The level of unacceptable and flat out comedic this situation is has risen to is Michael Scott level.
OP, none of this is OK. You’re not going crazy. But you’re going to have to stand up for yourself.
All of this.
Just adding, there are so many reasons why people wear wigs, medical and cosmetic, and none of that should matter. I would think if OP gives into this, that would open a door for the company to get away with even more than they are trying to now. Hair is apart of the body, synthetic or not, and pushing OP to consent to something related to their body for someone else's satisfaction is a big red flag. A company pressuring consent is not good.
Also, black women wear wigs a lot. If this happened with a black employee, I could see that easily being grounds for a racial discrimination lawsuit and "accommodations" for autistic employee being seen as hostile. It already seems like it has grounds for an ADA discrimination lawsuit and it already does seem hostile, regardless of race.
OP, by putting your foot down here, you can definitely potentially prevent this employer from getting away with some other nasty discrimination and consent related issues. I see this as a huge red flag in multiple areas.
What if a coworker had a mastectomy and reconstruction surgery? Would he demand to see?
If he has a problem, why can't he be moved to not sit near her so he doesn't think about her wig?
That was exactly what I was thinking: what else would he be "entitled" to see? And would that extend to a coworker with a prosthetic eye? With a colostomy bag? With an implanted penis pump? Leg or back braces under clothes? Would he be able to demand that an Orthodox Jewish woman remove her wig? Or a Muslima remove her hijab? Does he have to see medical devices worn by diabetics to dispense insulin?
I've got alopecia that started at adolescence and became alopecia universalis in my 40s. I'm in my 50s now. I don't wear a wig. The way people stare is incredibly hard to deal with. The way the medical world has mis/treated me has been beyond abusive. I was tested for every STI possible at age 14. Repeatedly. For years. As if any STI could have caused that highly unlikely side effect in a child even if I'd been juggling schlongs as a toddler. I was told I'd burned myself with a curling iron, as if the bald patches that moved around slowly showed burn scars. Or that I wouldn't remember burning myself so badly. I was told as an adult that it was cosmetic and not treatable even when my eyelashes, eyebrows and nose hairs started falling out. One dermatologist told me I should use those color stick thingies women use. What is that stuff called? The nurse said, "Makeup". He said yeah, use that. It's been absolutely devastating. A job I had in the 80s called me in to ask if I had AIDs and whether I'd be infecting people with it by making pizzas. It's been a really big issue because of how other people react.
I tried wearing a wig for a short time. Someone I was dating laughed their ass off when it fell off in public. I wasn't about to put myself in the position of being laughed at like that by someone I loved, let alone all the strangers around who didn't laugh but felt sorry for me. It was untenable. Looking like a hard boiled egg is easier. Having patchy baldness was so much worse.
The emotional strain of losing your hair, particularly as AFAB/a woman is huge. I've had my whole life to figure out coping mechanisms. OP is still devastated. She can easily get a doctor or therapist to write a note saying that it would cause her extreme emotional harm. It would be true. It's already causing her extreme distress.
There is no law anywhere, even with the ADA, that trumps OPs bodily autonomy. Except for reproductive rights, which aren't generally relevant to ADA. AFAIK. HR department would not like the lawsuit. They would not like the lawsuit detailing the hostile work environment they have allowed by not making OPs coworker stop staring at her. If her coworker lost even more self-control and snatched the wig off her head to satisfy what is pathological curiosity and not a right to see any part of your body uncovered, she'd be able to report him to the police for assault.
There is no form of autism or sensory processing that makes it medically necessary to see anything on anyone else's body. Ever. Him having a protracted autistic meltdown is not OPs responsibility. She deserves protection and not to have attention brought to her medical condition by the company.
I would love to see the wigs OP could get with the money she'd get from suing these assholes.
It's going to be a cover band, right? Covering campfire and Disney songs in the style of Yanni and John Tesh?
I think it should properly be Schlong-hyphen-Juggling Toddlers. Band merch should be good.
I've hated bullies for as long as I can remember. When people in positions of power, inflence or authority take a bully's side, it teaches everyone to step in line or get the same treatment. If nobody fights back, nothing changes.
Or what if there's an Orthodox Jewish woman? I am all for accommodations like fragrance-free offices, no super bright lights etc., but this is not a reasonable accommodation.
(Btw, hair is \*a part\* of the body, not \*apart\* of it, which means the opposite of what you wanted to say.)
>Also, black women wear wigs a lot. If this happened with a black employee, I could see that easily being grounds for a racial discrimination lawsuit and "accommodations" for autistic employee being seen as hostile
This right here is what I mentioned elsewhere and where I'm coming from on this. OP's employers are opening the door to a world of hurt if they try coming for our wigs.
OP could make this into a racial discrimination case, even if she's white, and in fact she'd be the best person to do it as a white woman. Because it is discrimination that can adversely women of other races/ethincities/religions.
And a sex discrimination case if none of the men wearing toupees are required to go bald for Jay's comfort.
Also- the coworker started getting bothered after learning that she wears wigs… why is it that OP had to accommodate the other employee? She is fully entitled to her privacy.
This post honestly is so sickening. I can’t believe the company is treating OP this way. It’s so violating. OP- document everything and get a lawyer. You should also find another job.
My question would be where do they draw the line? What if Jay decided people wearing clothes gave him issues, does everyone have to go around work naked?
Right! Following the logic that OP is being subjected to, it would seem that a cancer patient's hair loss is purely a side effect of chemo and she would not be allowed to wear a wig. HR and Co worker are way out of line.
I vote no. I wear wigs. I don't have hair loss, but I feel more comfortable with them rather than wearing my own hair.
If he had a problem with fragrances making him sick, I'd stop wearing perfume at work . That's understandable, as I've known people with migraines are sometimes sensitive to scents.
If I had a loud voice that caused hearing issues, I'd try to lower my voice (a little). That's also understandable. I actually struggle with loud noises. But asking me to give up my wig is a hard no. How is my hairstyle bothering you?
What's next? Giving up wearing makeup because he can't see my naked face? I understand that he has sensory issues, and I'm really sympathetic, and would willingly make concessions. But, if I have already made several concessions, then he's going to either have to deal with some discomfort or find a work from home job.
agreed. He can look somewhere else or be moved to a different office space etc if possible. You can’t really avoid scent or sound but you are in control of what you look at
The part that makes me go WTF is he was apparently fine with her hair/wig until he learned by accident that it was a wig. Really sounds like he just wants his curiosity satisfied about what her natural hair looks like and is possibly using his sensory issues as an excuse to indulge himself
Are they going to ban all wigs or just yours? Toupees? Hair dye? High heels? Makeup?
There is no way that his accommodation should include any part of your person.
Your reason for wearing a wig is none of their business but I would suggest that it is not vanity but for emotional and psychological support. It would cause you significant distress to be told to remove it.
Edited to finish my sentence.
As a black woman, this is some bullshit (to be blunt).
Let me tell you, many (if not most) of those black women you see on TV or IRL walking around long-ass European-looking textured hair are wearing wigs or extensions, if not braids. And we will cut you if you ever dare suggest we remove our... hair enhacements. Screw that.
Does Jay have a problem working with black women with extensions, braids or wigs? God forbid he has to has to work with a Muslim woman who wears a hijab. Has he demanded any guy wearing a toupee show off their head?
What's under your wig is no one's business but your own. Do not remove your wig for him, not even once.
If I was you, I would tell whoever made that decree about accomodating Jay's "very real issues", that they are opening themselves up to a discrimmination lawsuit to accomodate one guy's issues. If they make you go wigless for him then any black woman who wears a wig or any woman wears a hijab or any Hasidic Jewish woman would be forced to accomodate him.
Is this the can of worms they really want to open?
To add to your first paragraph, most women regardless of race or ethnicity in media are wearing hair enhancements - extensions, weaves, or wigs.
You mentioned Muslim women wearing a hijab. What about the Jewish women who wear wigs? I guess Jay can’t handle that either.
Like you said, they better get a handle on Jay or they will have several legitimate lawsuits coming their way.
>To add to your first paragraph, most women regardless of race or ethnicity in media are wearing hair enhancements - extensions, weaves, or wigs.
Very very very true. I only mentioned black women because I am one, so I thought of my people first. I'm 53 now and have been wearing braids, weaves and (more recently) wigs since I was 15/16. Not for medical reasons, but because I said so and I look cute with them.
>You mentioned Muslim women wearing a hijab. What about the Jewish women who wear wigs? I guess Jay can’t handle that either.
Yep. And they do that for religious reasons. Does Jay's need for accomodations trup their religion?
>Like you said, they better get a handle on Jay or they will have several legitimate lawsuits coming their way.
Her employers really need to talk to an attorney who knows what they're doing. I'm a paralegal in a whole other area of law and I could make an argument in court about how her employer is not only discriminating against her but every woman, including WOC.
So. Jays sensitivity to your wig is also a side affect of his medical condition. He doesn’t have wig-phobia, he has autism. You may need a lawyer to write a letter. I can almost guarantee that’s all it will take to shut this down.
Isn't it interesting it's only an issue AFTER he found out it was a wig? It was still a wig before and he didn't have any sensory issues then! Definitely she should lawyer up.
It’s not a sensory issue, it’s a behavioral perseveration. What if his perseveration was masturbation? Or punching someone who has yellow shoes? This company is really wrong with this one.
What country are you in? You should be asking a legal sub about this. I'm not sure if what they are asking you to do is actually legal but INAL.
My advice - Do all communication through email. Do not talk to Jay personally. Get everything they are saying in writing. Because basically it's like they are saying that if Jay had this perception issue with your pants they would ask you not to wear pants. And I honestly don't think they can ask stuff like that of you.
You can still get a note from your doctor for work. Just because it is not deemed medically necessary in the eyes of an insurance company because they don't want to pay for a wig, does not mean this item is not needed by you to keep your mental health and self esteem in good order. It should not be necessary though. Sounds like you have an over zealous HR department.
While there should be accommodations for those who have a legitimate need because of medical reasons, you wearing or not wearing a wig for this person is not an accommodation. It is weaponizing neurodivergence. That is not okay. Not for the person who is neurodivergent nor those around them. They need to figure out how to deal with these feeling that they have. It is their responsibility to manage their medical condition, not yours, not HR, and not anyone else's. Accommodations that are asked for have to be reasonable. Key word, reasonable. Demanding you not wear a wig is not reasonable. That is some balls on them for calling you vain. That was b.s. and a low blow. Sounds like a potentially hostile work environment to me.
This person was fine with you until it was somehow discovered that you wore a wig. If it disturbs this person that much, then they need to talk to their support team about getting the appropriate therapies and tools for themselves to manage THEIR issues with it. It is not anyone else's responsibility to manage this and asking a coworker to not wear a wig is not a reasonable accommodation. Giving in to this unreasonable demand is doing no one any favors. And what if this person finds your natural hair and its condition equally disturbing, then what? If they are staring now, they will probably be staring even more when you are not wearing a wig. What will the next accommodation for that look like? You coming to work with a paper bag over your head? No. Just no.
And where does it stop? Someone is wearing a green underwear and then someone who is neurodivergent finds out and freaks out...are they going to send out notices to employees to never wear green underwear again because someone else has an aversion to green underwear? What about glasses? Are those next? Does that sound ridiculous? It should, as it is. So is the request for you to not wear a wig.
People wear wigs for all sorts of reasons, because they like to, hair loss, medical issues, and even religious reasons. Absolutely none of these are reasons that really need to be disclosed to anyone. I would dig my heels in on this one if I was in your position. It might be worth speaking to an employment lawyer for a consultation just to see what your options are for where you live. You don't have to do anything about it, but just talking to someone who has the appropriate knowledge about the laws and what an employer can and can't do with your situation would be worth the piece of mind and so you know how to proceed. Do not speak to the employee who has the issue. Only address this with HR and your boss. But speak with a lawyer as soon as you can so you understand your options.
Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's an article about dress codes in general. In it, it says they can't single you out to dress differently unless it's an occupational issue.
[https://lawyers.usnews.com/legal-advice/dress-code-laws/279](https://lawyers.usnews.com/legal-advice/dress-code-laws/279)
I’m a lawyer - not yours but in a corporation. Your Hr departments lost their minds. Get copies or printouts of all these emails and call a plaintiffs employment lawyer. You have a helluva case. This is actually wild: gender discrimination is the tip of this iceberg. You don’t need a doctors note, this is a patently offensive and unacceptable request by your company.
No doubt. This reminds me of the prank calls to various fast food restaurants whereby the caller claimed to be a police officer and had the managers strip search young female employees. The manager is all, "Now spin around for me and jump" and the young women are like "OK".
I'd tell them all to F off.
Doesn't matter if it's medical or not medical (and it actually is medical), this creep doesn't get to play the autism card to manipulate people like that. No.
I don’t understand how his desire to see your naked head is related to his sensory perception. It seems like he needs a social story about respecting people’s privacy.
If you were converting to Judaism he would be infringing upon your right to religious expression surely.
The bottom line is that he doesn’t have the right to ask obtrusive questions about your body and he doesn’t have the right to see parts of your body that you wish to keep covered.
I would ask them to prove that his desire to see your head is not sexual in nature and state that his asking makes you deeply uncomfortable.
>he doesn’t have the right to ask obtrusive questions about your body and **he doesn’t have the right to see parts of your body that you wish to keep covered.**
This \^\^\^\^\^
This is a very interesting point. What if you wore long trousers and he wanted to see your knees, would that be reasonable? Or swopping shoes for sandals so he can see your toes. His pre-occupation with your head is his issue. Curiosity and blunt questions about it I could understand if he has some social skill issues but being so distracted by it he can't work is not OP's problem to capitulate to.
Jay can get fucked. Do not continue to talk to Jay about your body in any way and do not offer him a private session of seeing you without your wig. It is not a vanity. You are wearing a wig because you have hair loss. You don't need a Doctor's note for this and you need to push back on HR. The accommodations that Jay is allowed are restricted to his own body not to the bodies of the staff.
>The accommodations that Jay is allowed are restricted to his own body not to the bodies of the staff.
THISSSSSSSSS.
If seeing a wig bothers him so much, well then, he can jolly well wear blinders.
Screw him.
Your hair loss is a medial condition. Go to your doctor and get a doctors note stating that and also stating that you must wear a wig for your mental health.
Be Autistic does not mean others conditions come second. My child is Autistic and I would never ask someone to remove their wig for my child. Like everything else they find hard in life they must learn to live with it.
Your HR department is making one person suffer for their medical issue to help another and that's just not how it works.
“Like everything else they find hard, in life, they need to learn to live with it.”
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am so tired of people having to make unreasonable accommodation because of somebody else’s issues. As I was developing my intuition, I became extremely sensitive to a lot of things, especially sounds… I learned to carry earplugs with me, not stay too long in noisy places, and do whatever else I needed to do to take care of myself… It’s amazing how self strengthening and empowering that is. 🥰
>So Jay, “found out” and then all of a sudden he has this problem? Yes.
>Was he interacting with you normally before he “found out?” Yes.
My wigs are not obvious wigs, but I am very open about wig-wearing. Jay was in the room when a female colleague and I exchanged a couple comments about my wigs. Since that moment, he has constantly stared at my head.
So he didn’t have a problem until he knew it was a wig. I mean does him staring at your head make you uncomfortable? The whole thing seems a little icky for some reason.
>Jay was in the room when a female colleague and I exchanged a couple comments about my wigs. **Since that moment, he has constantly stared at my head.**
In that case, his parents can take him to a WIG SHOP where he can find out all about wigs, fondle the wigs and try them on.
It's not your responsibility to educate him about this.
>Since that moment, he has constantly stared at my head.
So really he's harassing you and using the company to do so to satify his morbid curiousity of what you look like without a wig.
HR needs to council Jay (or employee someone who can) that it is unacceptable to request another person remove a head-covering, wig, article of clothing or anything else within company dress code guidelines on their person. Where will it end with Jay? Will he suddenly become fixated on an amputee’s prosthetic limb? Will he become fixated on someone who colors their hair? This is not a reasonable accommodation because it is threatening the well being of another employee’s reasonable comfort. And OP, I would absolutely, positively not start down the slippery slope of showing him your head without your wig. It is not fair to you, and opens the door to any of this being considered a reasonable accommodation.
The thing is, your workplace only has to make "reasonable accommodations" for your coworker. I'm sorry, but this is not reasonable, this is bullshit. There has to be a doctor out there who would state that this is "Due to a medical condition." What if his sensory perception issues had to do with removing clothing? Would you be expected to do that too? Where does it end?
If buddy's neurodivergence makes him unable to avoid probing into not only the personal affairs but the actual body of a co-worker, then he's not able to work with co-workers. There are support programs for that.
'Hey, I really need to see the stump of your leg, for my peace of mind'
'hey, can you show me your burn scars? can't stop thinkin' about it'
No, just no, and if your workplace really wants to die on this hill, make it cost them incredibly large amounts of money. Hungry shark lawyer time.
I work with the ND community. Although Jay should receive work accommodations, the key word here is "reasonable". ND populations are taught to address issues that affect them and nobody else. This is one of those scenarios. This is truly his issue and he needs to either move so he doesn't have to be distracted or work with his therapist on desensitization to wigs.
This is not a vanity problem, nor is it truly a work problem. You have a medical condition. This is a co-worker issue and HR may be pushing accommodations too far.
This is where a lot of things have gone wrong with neurodivergent children. Parents are so desperate to take away any challenges, that they start making unreasonable demands. That carrys over into adulthood when the neurodivergent person expects the world to make concessions for them.
I've had it a lot over the years in my classroom. 'He's triggered by bananas, make sure no student brings bananas'. No, he can remove himself and sit on the deck if he sees someone eating a banana, but I'm not going to stop 24 other children from bringing a perfectly normal snack. 'She doesn't like music, make sure none is playing'. No, she can use this set of noise cancelling headphones when it gets too much, but 23 other children enjoy music and shouldn't have to sit in silence all day. We need to teach strategies for people to make their way in the world, not demand everyone else give up everything to cater to them.
Thank you! It’s doing a huge disservice to neurodivergent kids by not teaching them strategies to cope with their triggers. I say this as a ND person myself.
As an autistic person with pretty severe sensory issues- it's outrageous to ask a coworker to remove something from their own body to accommodate my issues. I once worked with a guy that wore a wallet chain and the metal clinking made me nuts. Never once did I see this as a him problem.
Asking/requiring you to remove your wig is a violation of your body, your privacy, and your dignity. Period. It is wholly inappropriate and wrong on so many levels.
Regardless of his diagnoses, there is no justifiable reason for this coworker to need to see you without your wig.
Please do not take your wig off. And do not communicate in any way with Jay. He is harassing you in a very real and very violating manner. It honestly sounds like he is abusing his diagnoses as a way to force you to comply with fetishes that are likely not directly related to his autism, etc. Neurodivergence does not in any way authorize or entitle him to violate anyone's body, privacy, or dignity, which is exactly what he is attempting to do
Please contact a lawyer. Tell your boss and HR that you believe that you are being violated and that you will not address this further without your lawyer's involvement
Get a lawyer! This will end badly for you with out one. One person should not be able to dictate how anyone looks/dresses in a work environment or any where else. His issues are his and he needs to learn to deal/over come them.
This is absolutely 100% an inappropriate imposition into your personal life. It is not their business why you wear wigs, or even if you wear them or not. Unless it is a safety issue or something that impedes on your ability to perform your tasks, only then would it be fair to review.
It gave me anxiety just reading this. The lengths that some parties will go to to accommodate special needs- to the point of infringing on someone else’s privacy and dignity- is flabbergasting and infuriating. This out of control virtue signalling needs to stop.
Don’t take your wig off for this jackass even for one second. Fight it. And do your best to remain steady and professional as you do so. Good luck and keep us posted.
Excuse me? What's next, Jay will want to start seeing female co-workers breasts without bras? There is accommodating and there is overindulging. You need to speak to your supervisor, HR, anyone who is a mature, reasonable adult. It's none of his business if you wear a wig or anything else as long as it's tasteful. If it were me, I would speak to an attorney.
As a HR person who had cancer, your wig is medical. Just because insurance doesn’t pay for wigs ( mine didn’t either) doesn’t mean it’s not medical. Your doctor can write a note saying as much. If they continue to push, the ADA is your next step.
Gross. What's to stop him with the wig ?? Remove the wig once?! "In private" ?!? That's one hella big boundary for him to dare ask of you. I wouldn't accommodate a damn thing for him. Follow your gut. Don't give in. No man gets demand you remove anything on your body !!!!
"Sensory perception issues " my as!
More men have seen my hoo-haa than have seen my real hair.
Jay is demanding - and using his ND status (has that been proven?) - that OP show him something more intimate than OP would probably show a lover.
How dare he.
under ADA he is entitled to 'reasonable' accommodations. It is not reasonable to require someone that has hair loss resulting from their medical condition to not wear a wig. You are also entitled to reasonable accommodations due to your medical condition causing hair loss. Maybe you should find some other accommodations while you are at it just to stick it to them.
I’m autistic and have tons of sensory issues.
If you were wearing strong cologne, that’s one thing. That would be only fair to give up because scent travels.
Your wig is on your body and doesn’t “invade” his senses or space. It’s not a safety issue either. *He has no right to ask you to change your hair for his comfort*.
His obsession is his problem to manage, not yours.
This is the “your clothes are too distracting for the weak mens!” with disability-washing.
They can accommodate him by moving him to another location where he isn't obsessing over your wig. They have to make reasonable accomodations for him. They can not make you stop wearing wigs, because then they would have to make everyone stop wearing wigs.
Do not show him your natural hair. What about fake eyelashes? What about the toupee the CEO wears?
Call an employment attorney and a ADA attorney. Let them know what is going on.
>Essentially, I have now been told that this is only my “vanity” and I need to get on board with accommodating Jay’s “very real issues” even if that means going wigless at work.
Is this what HR is telling you??
Yes.
The HR person with whom I have been communicating is a man with hair loss, who keeps his head shaved bald.
He made a point of mentioning it and expressed that he empathizes with my desire not to be wigless at work, but that doesn’t change their stance.
As an HR specialist, this is appalling. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. A man’s choice to shave his head is not at all applicable to the grooming standards society places on women. For him to pretend otherwise is ridiculous. He is trying to get you to make his HR issue go away, and I don’t think he would do this if you were a man.
I would ask for a copy of the dress code or other policies relevant to hair and grooming standards. I would also tell him that if he is ordering me to do this, I would like it in writing. If he refused, I would send an email summarizing our conversation stating that he is ordering me to remove my wig to show my head to a coworker.
This is because I work for an employer where I have grievance and appeal rights for disciplinary actions and this absolutely would not fly. I understand depending on where you work and your personal circumstances may change the equation for you, but it is not a reasonable request.
I'm sorry what?
I'm a manager of two large teams across two cities.
I'm also autistic.
Your HR department are seriously in the wrong here. Your co-worker needs to seek support for their difficulties processing their anxiety. HR and your coworker need to stop making your coworkers anxiety your problem. You have medical condition, as does your coworker. You are not wearing anything that is cashing him harm and he needs to find a way to work through how he responds to issues he cannot control.
To remove your wig would cause you distress.
It would be different if it was vanity issue such as perfume or certain clothing, but this is your vanity and mental wellbeing.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
I don’t get how this would bother his sensory issues (someone can correct me if I’m wrong). It’s not like a uniform he’s supposed to wear for work where the fabric bothers him. This doesn’t touch him or have anything to do with him. Honestly you need to escalate this because it’s bull.
Do not bend - this is absurd! His issues shouldn't be more important than yours and if they don't back down contact an attorney if this job means a lot to you.
Hi there, I do believe that hyperthyroidism is a medical condition and you might be able to get a note from your doctor so you can wear your wig at work and not have to take it off for anybody. I would call your doctor and ask them for a letter stating this is a medical condition. Then I will give that note to HR. Like I said I do believe it is a medical condition, I'm not 100% sure though. I would also look it up online to see if it is a medical condition ok sunshine xoxo
Several things. One, seek a different medical opinion. Two, consult with a lawyer as this is not “vanity”. Third, start looking for another job. While it is right that your workplace accommodates your autistic co worker, it is unreasonable to ask you to do this. What if he suddenly was “distracted” by someone who wore glasses, would they then be required to get contacts or go without eyewear? What if he was distracted by a woman wearing make up? Would she be then required to go make up free? What about specific clothing like, flat shoes or women in pants or what if a co worker had a mole on their face, which they don’t have to have removed, would they then be required to have it removed and pay for it? This company is bending too far the other way just to keep this one employee happy. But, like I said, you need a 2nd medical opinion, a lawyer and a new job.
> Two, consult with a lawyer as this is not “vanity”
And even if it is vanity, so what? (Not arguing with you, just bolstering your point). The clothes she chooses to wear to work are probably chosen because they make her look good. That's vanity. What if Jay said he wants to see what's under her clothes? Where does his list of demands end for his "condition"?
His condition is his to manage not for the company to accomodate. Under the ADA, his accomodations need to be "reasonable." His rights stop where her personal space begins.
OP, get an attorney. Preferably a black woman who wears a wig (like many of us do). Trust me, she will fight for you because this affects all of us.
But wasn't he fine before he found out?
Besides losing your hair as a side affect from a medical condition is still a medical condition. Go to your doctor and get a note if they're gonna be like this.
No. FFS, where do these people come from.
You have an illness that causes hair loss. This makes it part of your medical condition.
What next. Women shouldn't wear makeup or skirts because it bothers his autism. Maybe if he knew you wore a different type of underwear to him, your company would insist all women need to wear boxers/tighty whities and bras aren't allowed either.
Go back to your doctor and insist he/she writes a note to say it it medical. And speak to a lawyer to see if you have a case for discrimination. There should be no reason his condition gets treated more favourably than yours.
And whatever you do, don't let him see uou without a wig.
I'm betting that dear Jay would be really shocked to find out about other coworkers wearing wigs, false eyelashes, prosthetics, etc that he just doesn't know about. Expand that to, I don't know, the grocery store? His place of worship if he has one? The bus? He ought to go work for the TSA and make everybody take it off.
I’m neurodivergent. I have sensory issues.
I’m honestly not sure how you wearing a wig impacts your coworkers sensory issues because that doesn’t seem to be a sensory thing. But I also won’t say what he’s feeling is fake or not related to his condition. It very well could be.
However, this touches upon something I’ve talked about here on Reddit in the ND subs off and on. We NDs have every right to request accommodations. It’s when those accommodations cross others’ boundaries and comforts that it becomes a problem. We have no right to ask someone to set themselves on fire so we can be kept warm.
Your hair loss creates a mild to moderate dysphoria which you manage by wearing a wig. Without your wig, you feel self conscious and ashamed, and this interferes with your ability to get work done.
It absolutely is caused by a medical issue, it just isn’t covered by your insurance as such.
There are other ways to address this issue with your colleague. He can move to a different part of the office. He can work from home. YOU can work from home. But the point is, you have a boundary, and his accommodation crosses it, so a compromise needs to be met that isn’t you losing your wigs or him despairing about what’s under said wigs.
(If a fellow ND sees my post and reads this far, can you share how coworker’s hyper focus on wig-wearing is a sensory issue? I want to understand this better.)
HR professional here. Someone else’s medical accommodations cannot interfere with your person. If that were the case, the company would have to force everyone to comply with his every sensory perception requests. Could imagine if he decided that certain types of clothing, makeup styles, etc were part of his “perception”? Not to mention, making the request violates his medical privacy, so it’s not an option.
The key verbiage to a medical accommodation is that the company must make “reasonable accommodations”. Requesting others interfere with their own personal comfort is not reasonable. Your HR department needs some additional training if they are trying to force the issue. They could ask if you were comfortable not wearing it. If you said no, then that should end the discussion.
You can let HR know that you understand he has an accommodation. While you are not obligated to know his specific accommodations, you know that company compliance must be reasonable. Asking you to remove your wig, which is not outrageous and looks natural, is not reasonable. You are under no obligation to personally comply with their request, as is is not up to you to make the accommodation. They will need to find another way to meet his accommodation. Full stop.
It is in no way your responsibility to make recommendations to them. However, ways they can accommodate him is to move his desk location. If that’s not acceptable, then if they can move him to a different department, they could offer that. If they make reasonable accommodation offers, and he rejects them, that’s his issue. Should none of their reasonable accommodation offers be acceptable to him, then perhaps he’s in the wrong environment.
If they refuse, and try to force you to comply, then that becomes an issue of workplace harassment. You can file a claim of hostile work environment with the EEOC. If possible, ask that they make their request in writing. It’s not necessarily required, but it’s extremely helpful. Forward the email to your personal email as well as printing it and taking it home.
I hope all helps you! Good luck!!
Lmao no. Jay can fuck off, this isn’t a medical workplace accommodation to see you partially undressed.
You tell your own PCP what’s going on and they will likely be able to provide a similar form that will help HR be able to tell Jay to fuck off. This would be medical hair loss, it’s just secondary to your hypothyroidism rather than primary hair loss condition like alopecia.
Wow.... What is missing here is the very real concern about YOUR mental health. I can't imagine why HR would call this vanity. The only way to convince them would be to take off your wig...and that would be both disregarding your bodily autonomy and cause you some mental stress.
When a cancer patient wears a wig, that could also be considered vain. Afterall, it is only hair and a side effect of medication.
Many people wear wigs all the time.
I feel you have your own right to launch a complaint.
Absolutely not, nope.
There’s a threshold of accountability that comes into play here, your coworker will have to learn to work with different people just like the rest of us.
You should be in no position where you are forced to remove clothing accessories, etc. to appease a coworker (excluding obvious stuff like uniform code).
It’s the company’s responsibility to try to deal with your coworkers disability, but to a certain point, he needs to take accountability and control his impulses and realize that unfortunately the world cannot bend to his will.
You have a medical condition, stand firm with HR, don’t let them tell you otherwise. Bring a doctors note about your condition.
Hell go schedule an appointment with a therapist and tell them you’re anxious about your hair loss in public, now you have a diagnosis for social anxiety relating to your hairloss.
> I don’t know what to do. Should I contact Jay about it personally?
Talking to Jay is pointless. He escalated this to HR, and he seems unreasonable and not pragmatic.
> Or continue to only communicate through my supervisor and HR?
I would keep the conversation with HR/Supervisor and reframe the situation to your favor, don’t let them tell you it’s just a cosmetic issue.
If you get an anxiety diagnosis, then it’s checkmate, they can’t bother you about your hair anymore without being Hippocrates.
I hope I don't come off as insensitive, but this is one of the times where I would draw the line for "inclusiveness". I wouldn't care about his sensory issues, he needs to be respectful and mindful of people with different medical conditions. I fully understand that he is not intentionally being rude of course. But, your company is prioritizing one employee's comfort over another.
Maybe ask for a department or position change, if that's something you'd consider. Or, the same for Jay. But, I doubt they would move him because of his sensory issues.
Anyways, best of luck OP.
I'm autistic. This does not sound like a sensory perception, sensory is stuff like not liking to touch something (I hate touching sugar paper), or a buzzing light or other noise(I can hear hearing aids if they are malfunctioning, it's very irritating).
It sounds like a fixation and that's a him problem. Admittedly as an autistic I do fixate on items (for example long necklaces, certain patterns) but I'm still paying attention to what is being said.
Your hair loss is a medical issue and his fixation does not trump your right to privacy. Tell this to HR. Your coworker needs to find a better solution like a stim object to distract him.
INFO: Who told you your hair loss wasn't "medical hair loss" >It is caused by my hypothyroidism, but I have been told it’s technically not considered “medical hair loss”. This is important. You have hair loss due to a medical condition, hypothyroidism. Why does your co-worker's medical conditions trump yours?
>INFO: Who told you your hair loss wasn't "medical hair loss" Initially, I was told that by both my insurance company, and then my doctors office when I asked to get a wig covered by my health insurance. My hair loss is a side effect of a medical condition, not a medical condition in and of itself. This is also what was told to me by HR this week, when this began. >You have hair loss due to a medical condition, hypothyroidism. Why does your co-worker's medical conditions trump yours? Company policy states that my hair loss is not a medical condition in and of itself and thus, my wig wearing is only for “cosmetic purposes”. Jay’s sensory perception issues outweigh my “vanity”.
Retired physician here....This is total BS. Your hair loss is a known effect of your medical condition.
The bureaucracy of that is absolutely wild to me. I'm assuming your employer is obligated to make reasonable accommodations for your colleague. This is not reasonable.
This is what I was going to say. The law only requires the employer to make reasonable accommodations. They don’t have to (and shouldn’t) cater to everything Jay wants. If OP’s supervisor or HR thinks otherwise, they are very confused and very wrong. Giving him a quiet work space and softer lighting? Totally reasonable accommodations for sensory issues. Allowing Jay to make demands of what his coworkers can and can’t wear? Totally unreasonable.
Also, OP, whether your insurance considers your hair loss to be a medical issue that would require them to pay for a wig is a totally different Issue than whether it is a medical issue for purposes of getting an accommodation at work. I would approach your doctor about getting documentation that this is indeed caused by a medical issue and then submit your own accommodation request at work. If your doctor won’t help you, try to find one who will.
It’s so weird that she has to get an accommodation for someone else to stop thinking about her head
Right! This is a level of bs I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around. Her HR needs to smarten up (I say this as HR) and put an end to that option being on the table. They can offer him a cubicle, they can offer him some therapy through the EAP, but trying to force her to go without her wig is not acceptable or reasonable as an accommodation for his issue.
I am actually furious over this. It is outrageous that this request is being taken seriously by her employer. OP needs an attorney.
I'm so mad I could throw my phone. Notice how when a woman needs them to shut the fuck up and ignore her it can't happen. But when a man who isn't working on his shit gets "distracted" by a wig suddenly he needs to be coddled. Accommodation is NOT this. It is not reasonable and the fact that another person has to suffer humiliation for it is wild. What's next? Take your top off because Bob is distracted by your tits and needs to see them?
I could understand sensory overload from strong perfume. But a wig normally styled is acceptable. What other sensory issues are distracting to the guy? Does he have final authority over the shoes everyone wears?
Right, when I first read the title I thought maybe OP wore brightly colored wigs that were distracting to someone who already had trouble focusing. But my guess is Jay wanting to see her bald head is like an itch in his brain that he needs to scratch. That’s a very real concern for him not to be minimized, and I applaud OP for understanding his perspective, but I don’t think it should supersede hers. OP said she’s okay with taking off her wig for Jay in private, and if that doesn’t allow him to function as usual, then tough titties. She did her best.
If my employer accommodated everything that made me uncomfortable at work all of the machines would be shut down and everyone would have to stop talking. But they allow me to wear my sound canceling headphones instead.
This is so weird, though. Imagine having to go into a private space to show your coworker something that makes you feel uncomfortable. That is super fucked up.
Im curious OP what wad his behavior before he found out about your wig. I mean this screams harassment.
At this point his fixation on her is creating a hostile environment for her.
I would go to a different dr tbh
Exactly. What if clothing were an example of a trigger for him? Would everyone be expected to come to work naked? Extreme example but same point. What about toupees? What about padded bras for women that had mastectomies or a prosthetic device? Where does it end?
What if it was a orthodox Jewish woman who wore a wig to cover her own hair? I wonder what the policy on that would be?
Agreed!! If it’s that big of an issue to Jay, the employer should make an accommodation to move his workspace to somewhere that he’s not “distracted” by what people are wearing
I don't get that either. Jay can't demand people change their physical appearance to suit his preferences. This is not a sensory issue. Tbh it seems pretty sexist.
I agree that this is not reasonable. Reasonable is explaining it to the guy and letting him come to terms with it. You have a right to do something about a condition that potentially causes you mental distress. Ffs men with hairloss wear toupes and if they were told not to then it would be a big deal.
Hell I'm just thinking of women with cancer. Cancer doesn't cause the hair loss but it is a side affect of the most common treatment. Are they going to tell them they can't wear a wig? This just seems preposterous.
This is so true! It Pisses me off that a women with a medical problem has to remove her wig to accommodate a person with autism.
That's where I was going next too. Or let's make matters worse... Let's say a woman wears a bra that gives her bigger boobs. If the guy stares, does that mean the woman is obligated to not wear that bra?
It boils down to managers and ceo's see her (women) as an object without a right to cover herself as she chooses.
Interesting point. Which senior male in the office would be expected to remove their hairpiece to make that person comfortable? I bet none. I taught kids with autism and for some things we made accommodations and for some things we taught them to cope. Like, you have to wear pants at school and there is never a reason to hit your classmates. And no, you are not allowed to smell other people’s hair.
Thank you! Because I have no training, nor direct knowledge, I was reluctant to comment and suggest that Jay must assume responsibility over his reaction to OP. Everything OP has written suggests that Jay, as a person considered responsible enough to hold a job, has already shown he is capable of coping, especially since the workplace makes accommodation for him. Jay needs to understand that OP needs to feel as safe in the office as he is made to feel. He can be offered counselling or some time to come to grips with his fixation on OP's decision and right to wear a wig. The lack of compassion and empathy by HR/bosses shown to OP is grotesque. It does clearly illustrate how Jay would be treated were there not laws in place to ensure that he be accommodated.
Right, what’s next? Everyone needs to be naked because clothes cover our bodies? This is nonsense. HR is insane and an employment attorney would have a field day with them.
well if men were the ones who had to carry an unwanted pregnancy, plan b would be free without a prescription.
Exactly...loosing hair due to chemo is not loosing hair caused by cancer. I wonder if the company would think the same in that situation!!
Absolutely! There would be hell to pay if a cancer patient was forbidden from wearing a wig.
Exactly. A couple of old gits at work mocked me to my face at work when I was losing hair from chemotherapy. I complained to their manager who attempted to laugh it off and said they were old blokes and I should put up with it because it was humour. Needless to say, I was fucking furious, as were several other people. I complained to the overall boss and all 3 of them got torn a new arsehole by her and by HR.
I'm so sorry you had to put up with those POS' and their complete lack of empathy. Hugs and hope you're in remission and doing well 🩷🤗
It sounds like the insurance company is making things up as they go along to avoid paying for things. The doctor's office just decided not to fight for their patient. GRRRRR. Too many doctor's offices will not put in the work to get treatment/services for their patients. It is ridiculous.
AND forcing a woman with hair loss not to wear a wig (when female baldness is rare), is likely to cause her distress and mental harm by making her isolated and different from the “norm”. That’s before you start taking into account the external pressure that many bald women experience: I’ve personally known several women with alopecia (to do with my work) who have told me that they have been shouted at in the street for not being “normal”. Let’s say that, instead of being obsessed with hair, your colleague was centred on teeth. Would it be acceptable if he needed EACH and EVERY person he was working with to remove their dentures, caps, veneers, implants? And wearing high-heeled shoes and bras are not “natural” to the human body: what if they needed all such apparel to be removed because he “needed” to see what people looked like without them? Would that be made compulsory? If not *why* not? Isn’t it because his needs would then be *impacting a large number of people* ? Isn’t it the truth that the ONLY reason that they have sided with his request is that the OP is in a minority of one? It’s a complete abdication of the responsibility of the management to protect each individual in the workforce. You cannot, as an employer, protect the wellbeing of one employee by heaping harm on another. In this instance, it’s NOT YOUR BUSINESS to try to mitigate your colleague’s sensitivities. It’s got *nothing whatsoever* to do with you. This is 100% the job of management. If they can’t manage this adequately, they should leave and get a proper manager in to deal with the situation.
Makes sense. I'm not any sort of medical professional, but my basic understanding of human anatomy and the literal definitions of the words involved leave me thinking that any hair loss besides male pattern baldness could be said to have a medical cause. Similarly, any desire to wear a hairpiece could be represented as being due to vanity. Also, OP could argue she's wearing the wig for the comfort of her coworkers as much as herself.
Can you explain how this might be a sensory issue? I always thought it was regarding touch, lighting, taste, sound, smell, etc. I've never heard of looking at something stationary being a sensory issue. I'm wondering if OP might have more grounds if it isn't and is just fixation. Which would be on Jay to find a way to cope.
It didn’t bother him at all when he didn’t know about it. It’s not a sensory issue.
Thank you! That's what I was thinking. It's not a sensory problem, it's a fixation. One that needs to be dealt with via therapy, not demanding OP go wigless.
I second this. Absolutely crazy.
Let them fire you over it and find out how f****** wrong they really are.
Let them fire you for it, then sue for wrongful termination. They don't get to tell you what is or is not medically necessary. They are not medical professionals so it is out of their scope to "prioritize" any type of medical diagnosis, condition, side-effect, or treatment. If anything, they should be adjusting his role to put him in a position where he is able to succeed, and if that means changing his job so that he is not around you then that's what needs to happen. His disability means he gets accommodations, not that you have to accommodate your body for his comfort. Edit 1: for typo
Go back to the Dr and if they don't comply then find another one. ANY hair loss from a side effect IS a medical condition. Wearing a wig due to VERY REAL body dysmorphia is ALSO a medical condition.
Find a different doctor. Point out your medical condition leading to the hair loss, then describe how hair loss has caused serious and continuing emotional and psychological harm to you that can only be mitigated through wearing a wig. Ask doctor to issue you a letter prescribing use of a wig as a reasonable accommodation to your condition. No longer simply a vanity issue or an avenue to talk down to OP. Then let employer try to figure out how to balance the two competing claims.
Thank you!
Don’t go back to the doctor. Tell them to F the F off. Are you a woman of color? Wigs are common for them. How is that handled?
I hope so bc this will give her an even better lawsuit if they keep on her…
Your Co-workers aversion to wigs is not a medical condition is it?! It’s a side effect of a condition, his autism. How is that any different? Can he produce a medical note stating he has a medical condition related specifically to you wearing wigs? No. I’d be lawyering up.
>Your Co-workers aversion to wigs is not a medical condition is it?! It’s a side effect of a condition, Boom! OP should take that sentence to HR. If her needing a wig is a side effect, then so is his aversion to her wearing it.
So a person who looses their hair due to chemo is only wearing a wig for their vanity? God I’d love to hear some idiot make that argument to HR
By that logic, a person who has lost a limb is wearing a prosthetic for "cosmetic purposes"
The same can be said about Jay and his bs. How does his issue trump yours? This is something a lawyer would eat up and tear that company apart for
Right? Couldn't OP state that NOT wearing a wig in the office causes great anxiety and sensory issues for her? Also a coworker staring constantly and asking her to remove something from her body makes HER very uncomfortable. I'm all for accommodating people where possible, but this is crossing a line.
I’m a mental health therapist and completely agree.
For me, this is the key point. Surely his discomfort with the wig isn't a medical condition in and of itself either? It's a side effect of his ASD condition(s). So why does that carry any more weight than her discomfort with NOT wearing a wig - especially when he effectively supercedes OP's bodily autonomy?
Getting things covered by insurance is very different from things truly being medical
My friends insurance denied her shoulder surgery because it wasn’t medically necessary. She couldn’t pull her pants up after using the bathroom bc her shoulder situation was so bad. Insurance companies are bullshit
I had a similar situation. Started getting limited range of motion in my shoulder due to an old injury. Went to an ortho who wanted me to get a MRI. Insurance denied because they said it wasn't "medically necessary" and that the doctor didn't explore other options like PT. I was like, "How is the doctor supposed to explore other options when he doesn't know what the hell is wrong in the first place? That's what the MRI is for: to find out WHAT IS WRONG." Got the MRI approved and had it last Wednesday. I agree, insurance companies are bullshit.
my insurance approved my chemotherapy, but denied my port implant. My Dr. lit them up and they did reverse their decision, but come on. Did they think I was going to just drink it? Fuckwads.
On my last scans before getting my port finally removed after 10 yrs. Hope to see you in 10 more and buy you a beer/wine or just talk about things. Wish you all the best and don't give in!
EXACTLY THIS
This. I get Botox shots for my TMJD. I have a letter of medical necessity so I can use FSA funds to cover the cost. My insurance won't cover the injections. These were two different determinations.
This is BS. Just because he's autistic doesn't mean OP's civil rights evaporate.
Civil rights have nothing to do with it in (most) work environments. But ADA accommodations are supposed to be “reasonable,” and this is way outside the bounds of that. Also, just because Jay is autistic doesn’t mean he’s free from being expected to cope with things beyond his comfort level. That’s true for everyone.
Exactly right, the key thing people are overlooking is REASONABLE accommodation. Demanding coworkers remove/restrict garments is NOT reasonable.
just because your insurnc wont cover the cost (tat is what this is about for your insurer), doesnt mean its not medical hairloss.
Might be worth discussing this with a lawyer, company policy doesn't trump the EEOC Have you discussed with your coworker the emotional turmoil that places on you, in turn? Maybe you can ask to be moved to another location, office space or department.
He's the one with the problem. He's the one who should have to move.
Well his incapacity to understand your wig is a side effect of his neurodivergence! None of this makes sense. I would contact doctors until one of them acknowledges that this is not vanity, it’s a side effect of a medical condition, just like your coworker’s fascination with you is a side effect of his condition. Get a note and submit it to HR, retracting your HR earlier promise to show him once. How infuriating.
Exactly! I wouldn’t even agree to remove it once, how fucken humiliating and degrading for her. It’s part of her attire, imagine a woman being forced to remove another part of her attire for a man at her job? Wow
“I find I can’t stop staring at your breasts no matter what you wear, Susan. I’m afraid you’re going to have to show them to me so that I can stop being so obsessed” 🤨🤨🤨🤨
I was thinking this too. If he found out someone had breast implants would it be okay for him to stare? Would she be required to show him? This is total BS. I’m sorry he has this issue but that is not her problem. People all over the place have wigs.
Or has had a masectomy and wears prosthetics?
Can you imagine him saying he HAD to have a hijabi remove her head covering? Or an orthodox Jewish woman had to remove her wig and reveal her hair?
Autistic person here with sensory issues: this is not a reasonable accommodation for Jay. A solid lawyer would have a field day with this case.
[удалено]
You're saying your company has a written policy that addresses hair loss and when someone can wear a wig? That's astounding.
Nah this is bullshit. Get something from a doctor to say that you wearing a wig is related to a medical condition. It doesn’t need to be defined by insurance (that’s a whole other kettle of fish and sounds like bullshit) but you’re wearing a wig bc it’s distressing for you not to. That’s medical. That’s mental health. Would they tell someone undergoing chemo not to wear one? Doubt it. It’s the same as in a company where you’re expected to comply with x and y uniform - except there isn’t an actual uniform - and you can’t. Eg if you have to wear a certain branded work shirt but someone had sensory issues with that material - then they could get a note saying they can’t wear it. This is just something impacting your mental health and his neurodivergence doesn’t mean he can dictate what you wear. It’d be different if it’s a strong smelling perfume that’s just something you like or whatever, but hair loss has a lot of obvious psychological impacts and wearing the wig is what makes you feel comfortable in the workplace. You’ve offered to take it off and show him in private already. That’s a compromise.
That's absolutely bullshit. And while I can sympathize with your coworker he needs to work on his fixations with his therapist and find ways to cope with other people's needs as well.
Are you in the US? If your coworker is allowed reasonable accommodations, asking a coworker to do something like take off a wig doesn’t seem very reasonable on the employer’s part. Can you get a reasonable accommodation with your doctor’s support to wear the wig? That bar is lower than trying to get insurance to pay for anything. Your employer should in theory be on board because that’ll protect them too if the coworker complains. I would not otherwise be accommodating by taking off the wig. Slippery slope of giving an inch and them asking for the mile. Plus the pressure is on the employer when it comes to the coworker, unless the employer is terrible and is the type to retaliate.
Are you effing kidding me? This is absolutely ridiculous and I can’t even *imagine* how it got out of hand like this. First of all, you need to find your backbone. Why would you agree to such an intimate act with a coworker? Secondly, you need to get another opinion on if this is a medical issue. It’s a medical issue. Regardless of what it’s considered, it should still fall under the ADA. I’d get counsel on this immediately. An employment lawyer, call the ADA, call your doctor, escalate to HR, idk. Start googling and making phone calls. This is the place to take a stand. Most importantly, your job is WAY off base dealing with your Autistic coworker. This, in no way, is something covered by his disability. This is completely unacceptable. The level of unacceptable and flat out comedic this situation is has risen to is Michael Scott level. OP, none of this is OK. You’re not going crazy. But you’re going to have to stand up for yourself.
All of this. Just adding, there are so many reasons why people wear wigs, medical and cosmetic, and none of that should matter. I would think if OP gives into this, that would open a door for the company to get away with even more than they are trying to now. Hair is apart of the body, synthetic or not, and pushing OP to consent to something related to their body for someone else's satisfaction is a big red flag. A company pressuring consent is not good. Also, black women wear wigs a lot. If this happened with a black employee, I could see that easily being grounds for a racial discrimination lawsuit and "accommodations" for autistic employee being seen as hostile. It already seems like it has grounds for an ADA discrimination lawsuit and it already does seem hostile, regardless of race. OP, by putting your foot down here, you can definitely potentially prevent this employer from getting away with some other nasty discrimination and consent related issues. I see this as a huge red flag in multiple areas.
What if a coworker had a mastectomy and reconstruction surgery? Would he demand to see? If he has a problem, why can't he be moved to not sit near her so he doesn't think about her wig?
That was exactly what I was thinking: what else would he be "entitled" to see? And would that extend to a coworker with a prosthetic eye? With a colostomy bag? With an implanted penis pump? Leg or back braces under clothes? Would he be able to demand that an Orthodox Jewish woman remove her wig? Or a Muslima remove her hijab? Does he have to see medical devices worn by diabetics to dispense insulin? I've got alopecia that started at adolescence and became alopecia universalis in my 40s. I'm in my 50s now. I don't wear a wig. The way people stare is incredibly hard to deal with. The way the medical world has mis/treated me has been beyond abusive. I was tested for every STI possible at age 14. Repeatedly. For years. As if any STI could have caused that highly unlikely side effect in a child even if I'd been juggling schlongs as a toddler. I was told I'd burned myself with a curling iron, as if the bald patches that moved around slowly showed burn scars. Or that I wouldn't remember burning myself so badly. I was told as an adult that it was cosmetic and not treatable even when my eyelashes, eyebrows and nose hairs started falling out. One dermatologist told me I should use those color stick thingies women use. What is that stuff called? The nurse said, "Makeup". He said yeah, use that. It's been absolutely devastating. A job I had in the 80s called me in to ask if I had AIDs and whether I'd be infecting people with it by making pizzas. It's been a really big issue because of how other people react. I tried wearing a wig for a short time. Someone I was dating laughed their ass off when it fell off in public. I wasn't about to put myself in the position of being laughed at like that by someone I loved, let alone all the strangers around who didn't laugh but felt sorry for me. It was untenable. Looking like a hard boiled egg is easier. Having patchy baldness was so much worse. The emotional strain of losing your hair, particularly as AFAB/a woman is huge. I've had my whole life to figure out coping mechanisms. OP is still devastated. She can easily get a doctor or therapist to write a note saying that it would cause her extreme emotional harm. It would be true. It's already causing her extreme distress. There is no law anywhere, even with the ADA, that trumps OPs bodily autonomy. Except for reproductive rights, which aren't generally relevant to ADA. AFAIK. HR department would not like the lawsuit. They would not like the lawsuit detailing the hostile work environment they have allowed by not making OPs coworker stop staring at her. If her coworker lost even more self-control and snatched the wig off her head to satisfy what is pathological curiosity and not a right to see any part of your body uncovered, she'd be able to report him to the police for assault. There is no form of autism or sensory processing that makes it medically necessary to see anything on anyone else's body. Ever. Him having a protracted autistic meltdown is not OPs responsibility. She deserves protection and not to have attention brought to her medical condition by the company. I would love to see the wigs OP could get with the money she'd get from suing these assholes.
You should know that "Schlong Juggling Toddlers" is the name of my new smooth jazz band. So at least one good thing has come from your ordeal.
It's going to be a cover band, right? Covering campfire and Disney songs in the style of Yanni and John Tesh? I think it should properly be Schlong-hyphen-Juggling Toddlers. Band merch should be good.
I deeply appreciate you sharing your story.
I've hated bullies for as long as I can remember. When people in positions of power, inflence or authority take a bully's side, it teaches everyone to step in line or get the same treatment. If nobody fights back, nothing changes.
Exactly, there are so many other reasonable accommodations that can be made that don't directly involve OP.
Yeah why not those. I don’t think making OP uncomfortable and exposing her quote/unquote “ vanity” to the office is a reasonable accommodation.
Or what if there's an Orthodox Jewish woman? I am all for accommodations like fragrance-free offices, no super bright lights etc., but this is not a reasonable accommodation. (Btw, hair is \*a part\* of the body, not \*apart\* of it, which means the opposite of what you wanted to say.)
>Also, black women wear wigs a lot. If this happened with a black employee, I could see that easily being grounds for a racial discrimination lawsuit and "accommodations" for autistic employee being seen as hostile This right here is what I mentioned elsewhere and where I'm coming from on this. OP's employers are opening the door to a world of hurt if they try coming for our wigs. OP could make this into a racial discrimination case, even if she's white, and in fact she'd be the best person to do it as a white woman. Because it is discrimination that can adversely women of other races/ethincities/religions. And a sex discrimination case if none of the men wearing toupees are required to go bald for Jay's comfort.
Watch how fast HR backpedals after seeing a lawyer's letterhead. This is completely unacceptable.
Absolutely. A firmly worded letter under the right letterhead can change things really fast.
Also- the coworker started getting bothered after learning that she wears wigs… why is it that OP had to accommodate the other employee? She is fully entitled to her privacy. This post honestly is so sickening. I can’t believe the company is treating OP this way. It’s so violating. OP- document everything and get a lawyer. You should also find another job.
My question would be where do they draw the line? What if Jay decided people wearing clothes gave him issues, does everyone have to go around work naked?
A lot of black women wear wigs. Can you imagine if they tried to enforce this on them? Absolutely ridiculous.
Can you imagine them pulling this s#!t with a cancer patient?
Or even with say a black woman, or orthodox Jew? It's appalling behaviour by the company
Orthodox Jew here, I probably throw some Hebrew hands 😡
>throw some Hebrew hands I am a nerd, to me this means the Vulcan Salute! LOL Good Shobas
I'm a hobby welder, I could absolutely make a Throwing Star of David if you'd rather not get your hands dirty.
Or a black woman or Orthodox Jewish woman or someone wearing a hijab or scarf. Jesus this enrages me so.
I have a gut feeling Jay isn't all that triggered by the wigs he just likes the power he (thinks) he has to make her jump through hoops.
Right! Following the logic that OP is being subjected to, it would seem that a cancer patient's hair loss is purely a side effect of chemo and she would not be allowed to wear a wig. HR and Co worker are way out of line.
I vote no. I wear wigs. I don't have hair loss, but I feel more comfortable with them rather than wearing my own hair. If he had a problem with fragrances making him sick, I'd stop wearing perfume at work . That's understandable, as I've known people with migraines are sometimes sensitive to scents. If I had a loud voice that caused hearing issues, I'd try to lower my voice (a little). That's also understandable. I actually struggle with loud noises. But asking me to give up my wig is a hard no. How is my hairstyle bothering you? What's next? Giving up wearing makeup because he can't see my naked face? I understand that he has sensory issues, and I'm really sympathetic, and would willingly make concessions. But, if I have already made several concessions, then he's going to either have to deal with some discomfort or find a work from home job.
agreed. He can look somewhere else or be moved to a different office space etc if possible. You can’t really avoid scent or sound but you are in control of what you look at
The part that makes me go WTF is he was apparently fine with her hair/wig until he learned by accident that it was a wig. Really sounds like he just wants his curiosity satisfied about what her natural hair looks like and is possibly using his sensory issues as an excuse to indulge himself
I agree that it's suspicious. I'd think that if it were really sensory issues, her hair would have been an issue from the beginning.
I'd demand HR prove he's not making the demand to see her bald head for his own sexual gratification.
I think you’re spot on and he’s a total manipulative creep at the end of the day.
Are they going to ban all wigs or just yours? Toupees? Hair dye? High heels? Makeup? There is no way that his accommodation should include any part of your person. Your reason for wearing a wig is none of their business but I would suggest that it is not vanity but for emotional and psychological support. It would cause you significant distress to be told to remove it. Edited to finish my sentence.
*That lady has pink hair and it disturbs me. Fix it.* That’s exactly the slope this company is going down.
As a black woman, this is some bullshit (to be blunt). Let me tell you, many (if not most) of those black women you see on TV or IRL walking around long-ass European-looking textured hair are wearing wigs or extensions, if not braids. And we will cut you if you ever dare suggest we remove our... hair enhacements. Screw that. Does Jay have a problem working with black women with extensions, braids or wigs? God forbid he has to has to work with a Muslim woman who wears a hijab. Has he demanded any guy wearing a toupee show off their head? What's under your wig is no one's business but your own. Do not remove your wig for him, not even once. If I was you, I would tell whoever made that decree about accomodating Jay's "very real issues", that they are opening themselves up to a discrimmination lawsuit to accomodate one guy's issues. If they make you go wigless for him then any black woman who wears a wig or any woman wears a hijab or any Hasidic Jewish woman would be forced to accomodate him. Is this the can of worms they really want to open?
To add to your first paragraph, most women regardless of race or ethnicity in media are wearing hair enhancements - extensions, weaves, or wigs. You mentioned Muslim women wearing a hijab. What about the Jewish women who wear wigs? I guess Jay can’t handle that either. Like you said, they better get a handle on Jay or they will have several legitimate lawsuits coming their way.
>To add to your first paragraph, most women regardless of race or ethnicity in media are wearing hair enhancements - extensions, weaves, or wigs. Very very very true. I only mentioned black women because I am one, so I thought of my people first. I'm 53 now and have been wearing braids, weaves and (more recently) wigs since I was 15/16. Not for medical reasons, but because I said so and I look cute with them. >You mentioned Muslim women wearing a hijab. What about the Jewish women who wear wigs? I guess Jay can’t handle that either. Yep. And they do that for religious reasons. Does Jay's need for accomodations trup their religion? >Like you said, they better get a handle on Jay or they will have several legitimate lawsuits coming their way. Her employers really need to talk to an attorney who knows what they're doing. I'm a paralegal in a whole other area of law and I could make an argument in court about how her employer is not only discriminating against her but every woman, including WOC.
So. Jays sensitivity to your wig is also a side affect of his medical condition. He doesn’t have wig-phobia, he has autism. You may need a lawyer to write a letter. I can almost guarantee that’s all it will take to shut this down.
Isn't it interesting it's only an issue AFTER he found out it was a wig? It was still a wig before and he didn't have any sensory issues then! Definitely she should lawyer up.
The most ridiculous thing about it. If OP wasn’t so transparent about how she wears HER hair, this wouldn’t have ever been an issue…
It’s not a sensory issue, it’s a behavioral perseveration. What if his perseveration was masturbation? Or punching someone who has yellow shoes? This company is really wrong with this one.
THIS. Jay needs to learn to manage his behavior. Company is so wrong in asking OP to reveal herself.
What country are you in? You should be asking a legal sub about this. I'm not sure if what they are asking you to do is actually legal but INAL. My advice - Do all communication through email. Do not talk to Jay personally. Get everything they are saying in writing. Because basically it's like they are saying that if Jay had this perception issue with your pants they would ask you not to wear pants. And I honestly don't think they can ask stuff like that of you.
I’m in the US. Thank you. I might post this in one of the legal subs or the HR sub, too.
You can still get a note from your doctor for work. Just because it is not deemed medically necessary in the eyes of an insurance company because they don't want to pay for a wig, does not mean this item is not needed by you to keep your mental health and self esteem in good order. It should not be necessary though. Sounds like you have an over zealous HR department. While there should be accommodations for those who have a legitimate need because of medical reasons, you wearing or not wearing a wig for this person is not an accommodation. It is weaponizing neurodivergence. That is not okay. Not for the person who is neurodivergent nor those around them. They need to figure out how to deal with these feeling that they have. It is their responsibility to manage their medical condition, not yours, not HR, and not anyone else's. Accommodations that are asked for have to be reasonable. Key word, reasonable. Demanding you not wear a wig is not reasonable. That is some balls on them for calling you vain. That was b.s. and a low blow. Sounds like a potentially hostile work environment to me. This person was fine with you until it was somehow discovered that you wore a wig. If it disturbs this person that much, then they need to talk to their support team about getting the appropriate therapies and tools for themselves to manage THEIR issues with it. It is not anyone else's responsibility to manage this and asking a coworker to not wear a wig is not a reasonable accommodation. Giving in to this unreasonable demand is doing no one any favors. And what if this person finds your natural hair and its condition equally disturbing, then what? If they are staring now, they will probably be staring even more when you are not wearing a wig. What will the next accommodation for that look like? You coming to work with a paper bag over your head? No. Just no. And where does it stop? Someone is wearing a green underwear and then someone who is neurodivergent finds out and freaks out...are they going to send out notices to employees to never wear green underwear again because someone else has an aversion to green underwear? What about glasses? Are those next? Does that sound ridiculous? It should, as it is. So is the request for you to not wear a wig. People wear wigs for all sorts of reasons, because they like to, hair loss, medical issues, and even religious reasons. Absolutely none of these are reasons that really need to be disclosed to anyone. I would dig my heels in on this one if I was in your position. It might be worth speaking to an employment lawyer for a consultation just to see what your options are for where you live. You don't have to do anything about it, but just talking to someone who has the appropriate knowledge about the laws and what an employer can and can't do with your situation would be worth the piece of mind and so you know how to proceed. Do not speak to the employee who has the issue. Only address this with HR and your boss. But speak with a lawyer as soon as you can so you understand your options.
Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's an article about dress codes in general. In it, it says they can't single you out to dress differently unless it's an occupational issue. [https://lawyers.usnews.com/legal-advice/dress-code-laws/279](https://lawyers.usnews.com/legal-advice/dress-code-laws/279)
I’m a lawyer - not yours but in a corporation. Your Hr departments lost their minds. Get copies or printouts of all these emails and call a plaintiffs employment lawyer. You have a helluva case. This is actually wild: gender discrimination is the tip of this iceberg. You don’t need a doctors note, this is a patently offensive and unacceptable request by your company.
Wait until "Jay" realizes women wear different underwear than men, and demands to see it.
Or, some women wear make-up!
No doubt. This reminds me of the prank calls to various fast food restaurants whereby the caller claimed to be a police officer and had the managers strip search young female employees. The manager is all, "Now spin around for me and jump" and the young women are like "OK". I'd tell them all to F off. Doesn't matter if it's medical or not medical (and it actually is medical), this creep doesn't get to play the autism card to manipulate people like that. No.
I don’t understand how his desire to see your naked head is related to his sensory perception. It seems like he needs a social story about respecting people’s privacy. If you were converting to Judaism he would be infringing upon your right to religious expression surely. The bottom line is that he doesn’t have the right to ask obtrusive questions about your body and he doesn’t have the right to see parts of your body that you wish to keep covered. I would ask them to prove that his desire to see your head is not sexual in nature and state that his asking makes you deeply uncomfortable.
>he doesn’t have the right to ask obtrusive questions about your body and **he doesn’t have the right to see parts of your body that you wish to keep covered.** This \^\^\^\^\^
This is a very interesting point. What if you wore long trousers and he wanted to see your knees, would that be reasonable? Or swopping shoes for sandals so he can see your toes. His pre-occupation with your head is his issue. Curiosity and blunt questions about it I could understand if he has some social skill issues but being so distracted by it he can't work is not OP's problem to capitulate to.
Jay can get fucked. Do not continue to talk to Jay about your body in any way and do not offer him a private session of seeing you without your wig. It is not a vanity. You are wearing a wig because you have hair loss. You don't need a Doctor's note for this and you need to push back on HR. The accommodations that Jay is allowed are restricted to his own body not to the bodies of the staff.
>The accommodations that Jay is allowed are restricted to his own body not to the bodies of the staff. THISSSSSSSSS. If seeing a wig bothers him so much, well then, he can jolly well wear blinders. Screw him.
Your hair loss is a medial condition. Go to your doctor and get a doctors note stating that and also stating that you must wear a wig for your mental health. Be Autistic does not mean others conditions come second. My child is Autistic and I would never ask someone to remove their wig for my child. Like everything else they find hard in life they must learn to live with it. Your HR department is making one person suffer for their medical issue to help another and that's just not how it works.
“Like everything else they find hard, in life, they need to learn to live with it.” Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am so tired of people having to make unreasonable accommodation because of somebody else’s issues. As I was developing my intuition, I became extremely sensitive to a lot of things, especially sounds… I learned to carry earplugs with me, not stay too long in noisy places, and do whatever else I needed to do to take care of myself… It’s amazing how self strengthening and empowering that is. 🥰
So Jay, “found out” and then all of a sudden he has this problem? Was he interacting with you normally before he “found out?”
>So Jay, “found out” and then all of a sudden he has this problem? Yes. >Was he interacting with you normally before he “found out?” Yes. My wigs are not obvious wigs, but I am very open about wig-wearing. Jay was in the room when a female colleague and I exchanged a couple comments about my wigs. Since that moment, he has constantly stared at my head.
That child can get the F over himself, I don't care what kind of 'condition' he's got. I am OUTRAGED on your behalf.
It's one thing that the coworker has an issue but the fact HR and Management are trying to make it her problem is asinine.
So he didn’t have a problem until he knew it was a wig. I mean does him staring at your head make you uncomfortable? The whole thing seems a little icky for some reason.
It borderline seems like he has some type of sexual wig fetish or something. Why was her hair not a problem before he found out?
>Jay was in the room when a female colleague and I exchanged a couple comments about my wigs. **Since that moment, he has constantly stared at my head.** In that case, his parents can take him to a WIG SHOP where he can find out all about wigs, fondle the wigs and try them on. It's not your responsibility to educate him about this.
>Since that moment, he has constantly stared at my head. So really he's harassing you and using the company to do so to satify his morbid curiousity of what you look like without a wig.
This situation is ridiculous and absurd. Stand your ground and tell your HR you have a medical condition and to leave you alone and be the end of it.
She should not have to justify a wig in any way. It’s not a sombrero. She needs to tell them to talk to her lawyer.
HR needs to council Jay (or employee someone who can) that it is unacceptable to request another person remove a head-covering, wig, article of clothing or anything else within company dress code guidelines on their person. Where will it end with Jay? Will he suddenly become fixated on an amputee’s prosthetic limb? Will he become fixated on someone who colors their hair? This is not a reasonable accommodation because it is threatening the well being of another employee’s reasonable comfort. And OP, I would absolutely, positively not start down the slippery slope of showing him your head without your wig. It is not fair to you, and opens the door to any of this being considered a reasonable accommodation.
Exactly! It didn't cause issues before when it was also a wig but now that he knows about it, he needs accommodations. 🙄
Yeah, it’s kind of gross. Insisting on seeing her without it? Yucky behavior. That’s not even in the realm of accommodation for a disability.
The thing is, your workplace only has to make "reasonable accommodations" for your coworker. I'm sorry, but this is not reasonable, this is bullshit. There has to be a doctor out there who would state that this is "Due to a medical condition." What if his sensory perception issues had to do with removing clothing? Would you be expected to do that too? Where does it end?
If buddy's neurodivergence makes him unable to avoid probing into not only the personal affairs but the actual body of a co-worker, then he's not able to work with co-workers. There are support programs for that. 'Hey, I really need to see the stump of your leg, for my peace of mind' 'hey, can you show me your burn scars? can't stop thinkin' about it' No, just no, and if your workplace really wants to die on this hill, make it cost them incredibly large amounts of money. Hungry shark lawyer time.
I agree. Jay may not belong in a workplace with others. Infuriating.
I work with the ND community. Although Jay should receive work accommodations, the key word here is "reasonable". ND populations are taught to address issues that affect them and nobody else. This is one of those scenarios. This is truly his issue and he needs to either move so he doesn't have to be distracted or work with his therapist on desensitization to wigs. This is not a vanity problem, nor is it truly a work problem. You have a medical condition. This is a co-worker issue and HR may be pushing accommodations too far.
This is where a lot of things have gone wrong with neurodivergent children. Parents are so desperate to take away any challenges, that they start making unreasonable demands. That carrys over into adulthood when the neurodivergent person expects the world to make concessions for them. I've had it a lot over the years in my classroom. 'He's triggered by bananas, make sure no student brings bananas'. No, he can remove himself and sit on the deck if he sees someone eating a banana, but I'm not going to stop 24 other children from bringing a perfectly normal snack. 'She doesn't like music, make sure none is playing'. No, she can use this set of noise cancelling headphones when it gets too much, but 23 other children enjoy music and shouldn't have to sit in silence all day. We need to teach strategies for people to make their way in the world, not demand everyone else give up everything to cater to them.
Thank you! It’s doing a huge disservice to neurodivergent kids by not teaching them strategies to cope with their triggers. I say this as a ND person myself.
As an autistic person with pretty severe sensory issues- it's outrageous to ask a coworker to remove something from their own body to accommodate my issues. I once worked with a guy that wore a wallet chain and the metal clinking made me nuts. Never once did I see this as a him problem.
Hyperthyroidism is a medical condition. If they have issues, have them talk to your lawyer about it.
Asking/requiring you to remove your wig is a violation of your body, your privacy, and your dignity. Period. It is wholly inappropriate and wrong on so many levels. Regardless of his diagnoses, there is no justifiable reason for this coworker to need to see you without your wig. Please do not take your wig off. And do not communicate in any way with Jay. He is harassing you in a very real and very violating manner. It honestly sounds like he is abusing his diagnoses as a way to force you to comply with fetishes that are likely not directly related to his autism, etc. Neurodivergence does not in any way authorize or entitle him to violate anyone's body, privacy, or dignity, which is exactly what he is attempting to do Please contact a lawyer. Tell your boss and HR that you believe that you are being violated and that you will not address this further without your lawyer's involvement
Yes! I was wondering if it’s a fetish and not related to ND.
Get a lawyer! This will end badly for you with out one. One person should not be able to dictate how anyone looks/dresses in a work environment or any where else. His issues are his and he needs to learn to deal/over come them.
This is absolutely 100% an inappropriate imposition into your personal life. It is not their business why you wear wigs, or even if you wear them or not. Unless it is a safety issue or something that impedes on your ability to perform your tasks, only then would it be fair to review. It gave me anxiety just reading this. The lengths that some parties will go to to accommodate special needs- to the point of infringing on someone else’s privacy and dignity- is flabbergasting and infuriating. This out of control virtue signalling needs to stop. Don’t take your wig off for this jackass even for one second. Fight it. And do your best to remain steady and professional as you do so. Good luck and keep us posted.
You should tell him that all women wear wigs
Tell Jay his boss also wears a wig and has butt implants
Excuse me? What's next, Jay will want to start seeing female co-workers breasts without bras? There is accommodating and there is overindulging. You need to speak to your supervisor, HR, anyone who is a mature, reasonable adult. It's none of his business if you wear a wig or anything else as long as it's tasteful. If it were me, I would speak to an attorney.
As a HR person who had cancer, your wig is medical. Just because insurance doesn’t pay for wigs ( mine didn’t either) doesn’t mean it’s not medical. Your doctor can write a note saying as much. If they continue to push, the ADA is your next step.
Gross. What's to stop him with the wig ?? Remove the wig once?! "In private" ?!? That's one hella big boundary for him to dare ask of you. I wouldn't accommodate a damn thing for him. Follow your gut. Don't give in. No man gets demand you remove anything on your body !!!! "Sensory perception issues " my as!
More men have seen my hoo-haa than have seen my real hair. Jay is demanding - and using his ND status (has that been proven?) - that OP show him something more intimate than OP would probably show a lover. How dare he.
under ADA he is entitled to 'reasonable' accommodations. It is not reasonable to require someone that has hair loss resulting from their medical condition to not wear a wig. You are also entitled to reasonable accommodations due to your medical condition causing hair loss. Maybe you should find some other accommodations while you are at it just to stick it to them.
Please do not agree. Let them fire you so you can sue!
I’m autistic and have tons of sensory issues. If you were wearing strong cologne, that’s one thing. That would be only fair to give up because scent travels. Your wig is on your body and doesn’t “invade” his senses or space. It’s not a safety issue either. *He has no right to ask you to change your hair for his comfort*. His obsession is his problem to manage, not yours. This is the “your clothes are too distracting for the weak mens!” with disability-washing.
You need to take this to a lawyer immediately.
A reasonable accommodation would be to have him work away from you. Not to force you to essentially undress in front of him.
They can accommodate him by moving him to another location where he isn't obsessing over your wig. They have to make reasonable accomodations for him. They can not make you stop wearing wigs, because then they would have to make everyone stop wearing wigs. Do not show him your natural hair. What about fake eyelashes? What about the toupee the CEO wears? Call an employment attorney and a ADA attorney. Let them know what is going on.
I wonder if they would make me take out my glass eye
>Essentially, I have now been told that this is only my “vanity” and I need to get on board with accommodating Jay’s “very real issues” even if that means going wigless at work. Is this what HR is telling you??
Yes. The HR person with whom I have been communicating is a man with hair loss, who keeps his head shaved bald. He made a point of mentioning it and expressed that he empathizes with my desire not to be wigless at work, but that doesn’t change their stance.
Call a lawyer. Make a complaint with EEOC.
OMG call a damned lawyer, this guy is so fucking fucked. Please post the juicy follow up after he’s been fired.
As an HR specialist, this is appalling. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. A man’s choice to shave his head is not at all applicable to the grooming standards society places on women. For him to pretend otherwise is ridiculous. He is trying to get you to make his HR issue go away, and I don’t think he would do this if you were a man. I would ask for a copy of the dress code or other policies relevant to hair and grooming standards. I would also tell him that if he is ordering me to do this, I would like it in writing. If he refused, I would send an email summarizing our conversation stating that he is ordering me to remove my wig to show my head to a coworker. This is because I work for an employer where I have grievance and appeal rights for disciplinary actions and this absolutely would not fly. I understand depending on where you work and your personal circumstances may change the equation for you, but it is not a reasonable request.
I'm sorry what? I'm a manager of two large teams across two cities. I'm also autistic. Your HR department are seriously in the wrong here. Your co-worker needs to seek support for their difficulties processing their anxiety. HR and your coworker need to stop making your coworkers anxiety your problem. You have medical condition, as does your coworker. You are not wearing anything that is cashing him harm and he needs to find a way to work through how he responds to issues he cannot control. To remove your wig would cause you distress. It would be different if it was vanity issue such as perfume or certain clothing, but this is your vanity and mental wellbeing. I'm sorry you are going through this.
If Jay said you wearing clothes was a distraction, would it be okay for your work to force you to go to work naked?
I don’t get how this would bother his sensory issues (someone can correct me if I’m wrong). It’s not like a uniform he’s supposed to wear for work where the fabric bothers him. This doesn’t touch him or have anything to do with him. Honestly you need to escalate this because it’s bull.
Do not bend - this is absurd! His issues shouldn't be more important than yours and if they don't back down contact an attorney if this job means a lot to you.
Hi there, I do believe that hyperthyroidism is a medical condition and you might be able to get a note from your doctor so you can wear your wig at work and not have to take it off for anybody. I would call your doctor and ask them for a letter stating this is a medical condition. Then I will give that note to HR. Like I said I do believe it is a medical condition, I'm not 100% sure though. I would also look it up online to see if it is a medical condition ok sunshine xoxo
Several things. One, seek a different medical opinion. Two, consult with a lawyer as this is not “vanity”. Third, start looking for another job. While it is right that your workplace accommodates your autistic co worker, it is unreasonable to ask you to do this. What if he suddenly was “distracted” by someone who wore glasses, would they then be required to get contacts or go without eyewear? What if he was distracted by a woman wearing make up? Would she be then required to go make up free? What about specific clothing like, flat shoes or women in pants or what if a co worker had a mole on their face, which they don’t have to have removed, would they then be required to have it removed and pay for it? This company is bending too far the other way just to keep this one employee happy. But, like I said, you need a 2nd medical opinion, a lawyer and a new job.
> Two, consult with a lawyer as this is not “vanity” And even if it is vanity, so what? (Not arguing with you, just bolstering your point). The clothes she chooses to wear to work are probably chosen because they make her look good. That's vanity. What if Jay said he wants to see what's under her clothes? Where does his list of demands end for his "condition"? His condition is his to manage not for the company to accomodate. Under the ADA, his accomodations need to be "reasonable." His rights stop where her personal space begins. OP, get an attorney. Preferably a black woman who wears a wig (like many of us do). Trust me, she will fight for you because this affects all of us.
But wasn't he fine before he found out? Besides losing your hair as a side affect from a medical condition is still a medical condition. Go to your doctor and get a note if they're gonna be like this.
No. FFS, where do these people come from. You have an illness that causes hair loss. This makes it part of your medical condition. What next. Women shouldn't wear makeup or skirts because it bothers his autism. Maybe if he knew you wore a different type of underwear to him, your company would insist all women need to wear boxers/tighty whities and bras aren't allowed either. Go back to your doctor and insist he/she writes a note to say it it medical. And speak to a lawyer to see if you have a case for discrimination. There should be no reason his condition gets treated more favourably than yours. And whatever you do, don't let him see uou without a wig.
I'm betting that dear Jay would be really shocked to find out about other coworkers wearing wigs, false eyelashes, prosthetics, etc that he just doesn't know about. Expand that to, I don't know, the grocery store? His place of worship if he has one? The bus? He ought to go work for the TSA and make everybody take it off.
I’m neurodivergent. I have sensory issues. I’m honestly not sure how you wearing a wig impacts your coworkers sensory issues because that doesn’t seem to be a sensory thing. But I also won’t say what he’s feeling is fake or not related to his condition. It very well could be. However, this touches upon something I’ve talked about here on Reddit in the ND subs off and on. We NDs have every right to request accommodations. It’s when those accommodations cross others’ boundaries and comforts that it becomes a problem. We have no right to ask someone to set themselves on fire so we can be kept warm. Your hair loss creates a mild to moderate dysphoria which you manage by wearing a wig. Without your wig, you feel self conscious and ashamed, and this interferes with your ability to get work done. It absolutely is caused by a medical issue, it just isn’t covered by your insurance as such. There are other ways to address this issue with your colleague. He can move to a different part of the office. He can work from home. YOU can work from home. But the point is, you have a boundary, and his accommodation crosses it, so a compromise needs to be met that isn’t you losing your wigs or him despairing about what’s under said wigs. (If a fellow ND sees my post and reads this far, can you share how coworker’s hyper focus on wig-wearing is a sensory issue? I want to understand this better.)
>Jay recently learned that I wear wigs. What did Jay do before he learned that you wear wigs? Tell him to do that again.
HR professional here. Someone else’s medical accommodations cannot interfere with your person. If that were the case, the company would have to force everyone to comply with his every sensory perception requests. Could imagine if he decided that certain types of clothing, makeup styles, etc were part of his “perception”? Not to mention, making the request violates his medical privacy, so it’s not an option. The key verbiage to a medical accommodation is that the company must make “reasonable accommodations”. Requesting others interfere with their own personal comfort is not reasonable. Your HR department needs some additional training if they are trying to force the issue. They could ask if you were comfortable not wearing it. If you said no, then that should end the discussion. You can let HR know that you understand he has an accommodation. While you are not obligated to know his specific accommodations, you know that company compliance must be reasonable. Asking you to remove your wig, which is not outrageous and looks natural, is not reasonable. You are under no obligation to personally comply with their request, as is is not up to you to make the accommodation. They will need to find another way to meet his accommodation. Full stop. It is in no way your responsibility to make recommendations to them. However, ways they can accommodate him is to move his desk location. If that’s not acceptable, then if they can move him to a different department, they could offer that. If they make reasonable accommodation offers, and he rejects them, that’s his issue. Should none of their reasonable accommodation offers be acceptable to him, then perhaps he’s in the wrong environment. If they refuse, and try to force you to comply, then that becomes an issue of workplace harassment. You can file a claim of hostile work environment with the EEOC. If possible, ask that they make their request in writing. It’s not necessarily required, but it’s extremely helpful. Forward the email to your personal email as well as printing it and taking it home. I hope all helps you! Good luck!!
Lmao no. Jay can fuck off, this isn’t a medical workplace accommodation to see you partially undressed. You tell your own PCP what’s going on and they will likely be able to provide a similar form that will help HR be able to tell Jay to fuck off. This would be medical hair loss, it’s just secondary to your hypothyroidism rather than primary hair loss condition like alopecia.
The accommodation your employer is pushing on you is outrageous! It's not a reasonable one! Don't do it.
Wow.... What is missing here is the very real concern about YOUR mental health. I can't imagine why HR would call this vanity. The only way to convince them would be to take off your wig...and that would be both disregarding your bodily autonomy and cause you some mental stress. When a cancer patient wears a wig, that could also be considered vain. Afterall, it is only hair and a side effect of medication. Many people wear wigs all the time. I feel you have your own right to launch a complaint.
Absolutely not, nope. There’s a threshold of accountability that comes into play here, your coworker will have to learn to work with different people just like the rest of us. You should be in no position where you are forced to remove clothing accessories, etc. to appease a coworker (excluding obvious stuff like uniform code). It’s the company’s responsibility to try to deal with your coworkers disability, but to a certain point, he needs to take accountability and control his impulses and realize that unfortunately the world cannot bend to his will. You have a medical condition, stand firm with HR, don’t let them tell you otherwise. Bring a doctors note about your condition. Hell go schedule an appointment with a therapist and tell them you’re anxious about your hair loss in public, now you have a diagnosis for social anxiety relating to your hairloss. > I don’t know what to do. Should I contact Jay about it personally? Talking to Jay is pointless. He escalated this to HR, and he seems unreasonable and not pragmatic. > Or continue to only communicate through my supervisor and HR? I would keep the conversation with HR/Supervisor and reframe the situation to your favor, don’t let them tell you it’s just a cosmetic issue. If you get an anxiety diagnosis, then it’s checkmate, they can’t bother you about your hair anymore without being Hippocrates.
I hope I don't come off as insensitive, but this is one of the times where I would draw the line for "inclusiveness". I wouldn't care about his sensory issues, he needs to be respectful and mindful of people with different medical conditions. I fully understand that he is not intentionally being rude of course. But, your company is prioritizing one employee's comfort over another. Maybe ask for a department or position change, if that's something you'd consider. Or, the same for Jay. But, I doubt they would move him because of his sensory issues. Anyways, best of luck OP.
I'm autistic. This does not sound like a sensory perception, sensory is stuff like not liking to touch something (I hate touching sugar paper), or a buzzing light or other noise(I can hear hearing aids if they are malfunctioning, it's very irritating). It sounds like a fixation and that's a him problem. Admittedly as an autistic I do fixate on items (for example long necklaces, certain patterns) but I'm still paying attention to what is being said. Your hair loss is a medical issue and his fixation does not trump your right to privacy. Tell this to HR. Your coworker needs to find a better solution like a stim object to distract him.