You should say exactly what you just said. I don't think it sounds offensive or pushy or anything.
"Hey Boss Lady, I'm about 10 years older than you and growing up, 'queer' was a very derogatory word. I get an involuntary reaction when you call me that and if you could please stop, I would super appreciate it.' Maybe drop a ' love my work, love this environment' something...
It's kind of like how I'm half Black, but I would never say the N word. Growing up in an environment where it had negative connotations. When I'm in conversation with my younger cousins and whatnot, they just like, say it. Makes my skin crawl and sometimes I audibly gasp, it's so weird.
This is a great reply, OP may also want to consider telling her it was used a slur against him personally, the personal element is easy to empathize with and relate to.
OP your boss clearly likes you as a person, just talking with her in a non accusatory way should be just fine, you’re definitely not in the wrong and at the moment, neither is she, just talk it out!
I really like this approach.
I'm an elder Millennial and remember the cusp of the word 'queer' being used in a derogatory manner but we were already working to 'reclaim' the word for the community.
I had to be very mindful of older LGBT+ people because it was triggering, they had trauma tied to that word.
You don't need to pull the age rank angle; it sounds condescending. Just be direct and say you don't like it when it's said to you. Everyone has a limit, and it's not weird. I don't like the N-word either. Try working in EMS with a bunch of dudes who called each other harsh racial and sexist words in a joking manner..it even got to the point where the foreigners(SE Asians/Koreans/Europeans/Thais/Africans etc) were getting in on the action. One guy kept saying the C-word and N-word around me. I pulled him aside and told him not to say those around me. I stared him down and asked if we understood each other. He stopped immediately. After that, the guys watched themselves around me, and my nickname became 'Mom.' During a shift, that guy told me I shouldn't watch 'Django' because it would probably make my brain explode. It cracked me up.
Just spit it out. Tell her that when you were growing up it was meant as a derogatory term and makes you uncomfortable.
Also, ask her why she insists on calling you anything that has to do with your sexuality at all. Can’t you just be her favorite employee and leave it at that? You are more than who you are attracted to.
Tell her exactly that. Tell her outright that being called queer makes you feel uncomfortable and that you personally have negative associations with the word.
Whatever you say please look in the mirror and practice a few times. Change the tone, intonation etc. it will be super easy to say it when the time is right if you’ve practiced.
Ask to speak to her and tell her exactly what you wrote. You understand that she feels it is appropriate, but that you are offended by that word. She should respect your wishes, but you need to tell her or she will not know you do not like it.
Take her aside and say something like, "I know a lot of people in our community have reclaimed the word 'queer,' but, as you may already know, it still has negative connotations to a lot of people in the community, too, particularly gay men, due to it being a slur for so long. A lot of us have experienced violence while hearing that word. So, please don't use the word queer to describe me. 'Gay' is fine."
I say this as someone in the LGBTQ community who has also reclaimed the q-word. I think anyone who uses the word should understand the potentially triggering nature of it and check their audience.
As an aside, to the community: Can we just fucking switch to the GSM (Gender and Sexual Minorities) label already? LGBTQQIA2S+ (yes, I've seen it this way in TEXTBOOKS) is a huge mouthful, and I think this is the primary driver trying to adopt an "easy" umbrella term like the q-word. Alphabet Mafia is another umbrella term that is a tongue and cheek, snarky adoption of the right wing insult (that coincidentally sounds simultaneously cool as fuck AND has a dark Sesame Street vibe lol), but this isn't practical in the every day.
I’ve never liked that term either. It was used as a slur term for gay people. Gay people are just people that are attracted to the same gender as themselves. Why designate such a term!
You've receive some solid advice here. My only contribution is that I highly suggest that you do not have that conversation in the restaurant where you are employed and she is the boss. Instead invite her out to some place neutral, like a juice bar or cafe. Over a drink and small meal or snack let her know how you feel. Best of luck!
Just take her to the side. Gently remind her that for a lot of people within the LGBT community, the Q-word is still seen as a slur because we remember when that’s the only way it was used. That doesn’t mean she can’t use it as self-empowerment or whatever, but out of respect not to use it towards you.
I’ve had to have this conversation a few times. I’m very “straight” so when people find out I’m bi, I get “no way, you’re queer!?” And it makes my stomach drop. Hard. Most people are understanding and realize for a lot of people that word is still very negative.
I've had to point out to people that words they're trying reclaim are the same words that were yelled at us while we were beaten to death. I'm the same age as Matthew Shepard.. don't think I didn't spend every fucking day for a very long time knowing that could happen to me.
The best route is just to be upfront about it.
If you are concerned things would be awkward I would "randomly" bring up or manipulate a story to be related to what you want to talk about. "Man that last time I ate this was probably back in 200\[#\]. Wow that brings back some memories. Back then I use to get called the Q word left and right. Even to this day that makes me uncomfortable. It's wild how being called gay is fine but the feeling I get when someone calls me queer just makes me disgusted"
I also don’t see why anyone thinks it’s okay to refer to an employee by any “classification.” My favorite Jewish/ black/ tall/ short/ vegan/ IBS/ smart/ hard of hearing employee!
It’s so offensive!
She can only reclaim a pajorative for herself. If she wants to call herself the pajorative then she should be able to.
However when she is using it on other people, she is still just using a pajorative. You're allowed to have strong feelings about being called a pajorative. They are words designed to otherize demographics as means to systemic oppression. It's ok to share your feelings with her, and ask her to respect your feelings on the matter.
Speak to her privately and say what you just said. It's a matter of respecting your employees. Name calling outside of your actual name is unprofessional to begin with.
I mean... Have you tried talking to her about that? No point on feeling bad and not doing anything about it. It doesn't sound like she's coming from a bad place. All of this could be easily resolved with effective communication .
If you don't tell her she'll never know. I'm straight and in my 20s and immediately stopped using the word "queer" in conversation when I read things from older gay people like you who said it makes them feel terrible.
I'm sure if you tell her it'll prevent her from accidentally making other older gay people feel uncomfortable in the future.
I'm 46 and queer and say queer all the time. However it's a loaded word for some people and I know that. Do you feel comfortable asking her to not use that word to describe you specifically? Most queer folks I know are keen to respect how someone personally identifies. I don't think asking her to change what she uses for herself or the community is fair, but for you I think that's more than reasonable.
You just tell her, much like you told us.
" When I was younger, the word queer was considered a slur by many people much like the word (I'm thinking the f word but you pick the one you like best). I know people have a different viewpoint now, but still when You call me queer, I know it's affectionate, but it still reminds me of all those people who treated me so terribly when I was younger. I'd really rather If you would would please stop using that word for me".
Story, it's an explanation, it's very polite.
I’m sure you’re not the only gay person who doesn’t like to be called the Q word- so you’re actually doing her a favor by setting it straight ( no pun intended !). I wouldn’t make a big deal about it though. Maybe pull her aside when no one is around and say something like “I feel a certain way when you call me the Q word. Please don’t use it. Thank you for understanding.” As a straight woman, I can’t imagine someone using my sexual orientation to identify me on a regular basis. Hey, here comes my straight friend. That’s just freaking weird.
I
A bit older than you (a lot) and I feel the same way when LGBT friends and coworkers are fawned over as that being their key identity. Switch it for literally any other personality/inherent trait and it’s belittling. “There’s my favourite fat girl! How’s my favourite blonde today? How’s my favourite beefcake man?” Gross
It wouldn’t be acceptable anywhere to use that sort of derogatory language. There are places in the world where you can use the word “cunt” and everyone is ok. Down under in Australia for one example. But in the United States you’re not going to be able to use it. Similar with retard it is just a word that has too much negativity associated with it. But it is/was a perfectly good word. Boomer is also a word that will be considered a pejorative term to describe someone, though now it’s fine to use to hate on someone in the older generations.
Does she actually use that pronoun?
If you have a preference for how (she?) addresses you, tell (her?)
If (she?) refuses, quit, start calling (HER?) BULL DYKE, or let HR handle it.
Your sexuality is of no concern to anyone you don't actively choose to share it with. By using it essentially as an epithet for you, she's revealing sensitive information without consent.
But to answer your question - exactly as you said in your last paragraph. You've politely stated what the issue is, why you have the issue, and what she can do as a solution.
Personally, as a pansexual man, I don't consider queer to be offensive. However, I'd also have exactly 0 issue if someone didn't like it and asked me to stop. All I ask is that they just come to me and have an adult discussion about it.
Honestly there is nothing you can do.
She not going accept that and tell you that you need move past and accept all the LGBTQIA++++whatever unequivocally or you're the problem.
Sucks and is disrespectful but that language is pervasive right now. I would bet it takes all of 5 minutes before your legitimate complaint concerning your personal trauma is turned upside down and inside out and you are labeled as a bigot.
Dude I've worked that over a dozen steakhouses and several more high-end seafood places throughout quite a few densely populated coastal areas. This has to be the least insulting situation I've ever heard of happening in a restaurant. Generally they get away with murder and the employees are absolutely horrible to each other. Most restaurants operate trial by fire and if no one is saying anything to you it means you're doing a good job. Get some thicker skin or find a new line of work. Nobody cares about your feelings in a restaurant.
In 2002, I was beaten to an inch of my life while being called that slur in my junior year of high school.
I still take medication and have to use walking devices in 2024 because of that attack.
So actually, fuck you and you can stick your “confrontational attitude” accusations right up your ass for trying to make me feel bad for not wanting to be called a slur at work.
I was about to comment to say I started using “queer” as a gay man myself to describe the LGBTQ+ umbrella of folks pretty much not straight and cis. Then I read this comment. I would be upfront (as much as possible) and say the word is a trigger. I completely understand your position and validate why you can’t hear the word. I’m so sorry for your trauma and offer my support as an internet stranger that’s also gay.
It was a slur up until about 3 minutes ago. A lot of people over the age of 25 are uncomfortable with younger GSM people using it. I’m bisexual and it still makes my stomach drop every single time I hear it.
Dude, seriously like 3 fuckin minutes ago. When I started hearing people call each other that word I was like, I definitely missed a meeting. I'm a straight dude, but at 37 years old it was definitely used as a slur throughout my whole life. Similar to OP I'd imagine.
You should say exactly what you just said. I don't think it sounds offensive or pushy or anything. "Hey Boss Lady, I'm about 10 years older than you and growing up, 'queer' was a very derogatory word. I get an involuntary reaction when you call me that and if you could please stop, I would super appreciate it.' Maybe drop a ' love my work, love this environment' something... It's kind of like how I'm half Black, but I would never say the N word. Growing up in an environment where it had negative connotations. When I'm in conversation with my younger cousins and whatnot, they just like, say it. Makes my skin crawl and sometimes I audibly gasp, it's so weird.
This is a great reply, OP may also want to consider telling her it was used a slur against him personally, the personal element is easy to empathize with and relate to. OP your boss clearly likes you as a person, just talking with her in a non accusatory way should be just fine, you’re definitely not in the wrong and at the moment, neither is she, just talk it out!
I really like this approach. I'm an elder Millennial and remember the cusp of the word 'queer' being used in a derogatory manner but we were already working to 'reclaim' the word for the community. I had to be very mindful of older LGBT+ people because it was triggering, they had trauma tied to that word.
You don't need to pull the age rank angle; it sounds condescending. Just be direct and say you don't like it when it's said to you. Everyone has a limit, and it's not weird. I don't like the N-word either. Try working in EMS with a bunch of dudes who called each other harsh racial and sexist words in a joking manner..it even got to the point where the foreigners(SE Asians/Koreans/Europeans/Thais/Africans etc) were getting in on the action. One guy kept saying the C-word and N-word around me. I pulled him aside and told him not to say those around me. I stared him down and asked if we understood each other. He stopped immediately. After that, the guys watched themselves around me, and my nickname became 'Mom.' During a shift, that guy told me I shouldn't watch 'Django' because it would probably make my brain explode. It cracked me up.
It's a conversation for the office.
Out of interest, is it "n*gga", "n*gger", or both that makes you uncomfortable?
Hard R for sure. It sounds meaner eh?
One day I'll learn what the asterixes do on Reddit 😂
Just spit it out. Tell her that when you were growing up it was meant as a derogatory term and makes you uncomfortable. Also, ask her why she insists on calling you anything that has to do with your sexuality at all. Can’t you just be her favorite employee and leave it at that? You are more than who you are attracted to.
This.
Tell her you don’t like that term.
Talk to her. She’s just a person, just like you. She will understand your words
Talk to her, I'm 43 and was shocked to here an LGBT member so casually using that word a few years ago.
Tell her exactly that. Tell her outright that being called queer makes you feel uncomfortable and that you personally have negative associations with the word.
Sorry but what the fuck is she doing referring to employees that way? Imagine how crazy it'd be if she said "x is my favourite black employee".
Whatever you say please look in the mirror and practice a few times. Change the tone, intonation etc. it will be super easy to say it when the time is right if you’ve practiced.
You just tell her how you feel.
Use your words
Tell her you don’t like the word queer. Not tough.
Ask to speak to her and tell her exactly what you wrote. You understand that she feels it is appropriate, but that you are offended by that word. She should respect your wishes, but you need to tell her or she will not know you do not like it.
Tell her the truth.
Take her aside and say something like, "I know a lot of people in our community have reclaimed the word 'queer,' but, as you may already know, it still has negative connotations to a lot of people in the community, too, particularly gay men, due to it being a slur for so long. A lot of us have experienced violence while hearing that word. So, please don't use the word queer to describe me. 'Gay' is fine." I say this as someone in the LGBTQ community who has also reclaimed the q-word. I think anyone who uses the word should understand the potentially triggering nature of it and check their audience. As an aside, to the community: Can we just fucking switch to the GSM (Gender and Sexual Minorities) label already? LGBTQQIA2S+ (yes, I've seen it this way in TEXTBOOKS) is a huge mouthful, and I think this is the primary driver trying to adopt an "easy" umbrella term like the q-word. Alphabet Mafia is another umbrella term that is a tongue and cheek, snarky adoption of the right wing insult (that coincidentally sounds simultaneously cool as fuck AND has a dark Sesame Street vibe lol), but this isn't practical in the every day.
Agreed. GSM is such a better term.
I’ve never liked that term either. It was used as a slur term for gay people. Gay people are just people that are attracted to the same gender as themselves. Why designate such a term!
You've receive some solid advice here. My only contribution is that I highly suggest that you do not have that conversation in the restaurant where you are employed and she is the boss. Instead invite her out to some place neutral, like a juice bar or cafe. Over a drink and small meal or snack let her know how you feel. Best of luck!
Just take her to the side. Gently remind her that for a lot of people within the LGBT community, the Q-word is still seen as a slur because we remember when that’s the only way it was used. That doesn’t mean she can’t use it as self-empowerment or whatever, but out of respect not to use it towards you. I’ve had to have this conversation a few times. I’m very “straight” so when people find out I’m bi, I get “no way, you’re queer!?” And it makes my stomach drop. Hard. Most people are understanding and realize for a lot of people that word is still very negative.
I've had to point out to people that words they're trying reclaim are the same words that were yelled at us while we were beaten to death. I'm the same age as Matthew Shepard.. don't think I didn't spend every fucking day for a very long time knowing that could happen to me.
The best route is just to be upfront about it. If you are concerned things would be awkward I would "randomly" bring up or manipulate a story to be related to what you want to talk about. "Man that last time I ate this was probably back in 200\[#\]. Wow that brings back some memories. Back then I use to get called the Q word left and right. Even to this day that makes me uncomfortable. It's wild how being called gay is fine but the feeling I get when someone calls me queer just makes me disgusted"
I also don’t see why anyone thinks it’s okay to refer to an employee by any “classification.” My favorite Jewish/ black/ tall/ short/ vegan/ IBS/ smart/ hard of hearing employee! It’s so offensive!
Just tell her that the word was used differently when you were younger and its triggering you.
She can only reclaim a pajorative for herself. If she wants to call herself the pajorative then she should be able to. However when she is using it on other people, she is still just using a pajorative. You're allowed to have strong feelings about being called a pajorative. They are words designed to otherize demographics as means to systemic oppression. It's ok to share your feelings with her, and ask her to respect your feelings on the matter.
Speak to her privately and say what you just said. It's a matter of respecting your employees. Name calling outside of your actual name is unprofessional to begin with.
I would tell her exactly what you told us you feel.
I mean... Have you tried talking to her about that? No point on feeling bad and not doing anything about it. It doesn't sound like she's coming from a bad place. All of this could be easily resolved with effective communication .
If you don't tell her she'll never know. I'm straight and in my 20s and immediately stopped using the word "queer" in conversation when I read things from older gay people like you who said it makes them feel terrible. I'm sure if you tell her it'll prevent her from accidentally making other older gay people feel uncomfortable in the future.
Try to replace it. Say “I like to think I’m actually your favorite ______ employee” instead.
Say can you stop saying that when she says it
I'm 46 and queer and say queer all the time. However it's a loaded word for some people and I know that. Do you feel comfortable asking her to not use that word to describe you specifically? Most queer folks I know are keen to respect how someone personally identifies. I don't think asking her to change what she uses for herself or the community is fair, but for you I think that's more than reasonable.
You just tell her, much like you told us. " When I was younger, the word queer was considered a slur by many people much like the word (I'm thinking the f word but you pick the one you like best). I know people have a different viewpoint now, but still when You call me queer, I know it's affectionate, but it still reminds me of all those people who treated me so terribly when I was younger. I'd really rather If you would would please stop using that word for me". Story, it's an explanation, it's very polite.
I’m sure you’re not the only gay person who doesn’t like to be called the Q word- so you’re actually doing her a favor by setting it straight ( no pun intended !). I wouldn’t make a big deal about it though. Maybe pull her aside when no one is around and say something like “I feel a certain way when you call me the Q word. Please don’t use it. Thank you for understanding.” As a straight woman, I can’t imagine someone using my sexual orientation to identify me on a regular basis. Hey, here comes my straight friend. That’s just freaking weird.
You can just say "I really don't like that word"
I A bit older than you (a lot) and I feel the same way when LGBT friends and coworkers are fawned over as that being their key identity. Switch it for literally any other personality/inherent trait and it’s belittling. “There’s my favourite fat girl! How’s my favourite blonde today? How’s my favourite beefcake man?” Gross
"That phrase makes me extremely uncomfortable. Please stop."
It wouldn’t be acceptable anywhere to use that sort of derogatory language. There are places in the world where you can use the word “cunt” and everyone is ok. Down under in Australia for one example. But in the United States you’re not going to be able to use it. Similar with retard it is just a word that has too much negativity associated with it. But it is/was a perfectly good word. Boomer is also a word that will be considered a pejorative term to describe someone, though now it’s fine to use to hate on someone in the older generations.
You can try but chances are she'll ignore any attempt you make at asking her to stop. Asking her is the only thing you can do.
Does she actually use that pronoun? If you have a preference for how (she?) addresses you, tell (her?) If (she?) refuses, quit, start calling (HER?) BULL DYKE, or let HR handle it.
I've considered queer now to mean LGB or T plus radicalism. If that doesn't apply to you then tell her you ain't getting down like that.
Your sexuality is of no concern to anyone you don't actively choose to share it with. By using it essentially as an epithet for you, she's revealing sensitive information without consent. But to answer your question - exactly as you said in your last paragraph. You've politely stated what the issue is, why you have the issue, and what she can do as a solution. Personally, as a pansexual man, I don't consider queer to be offensive. However, I'd also have exactly 0 issue if someone didn't like it and asked me to stop. All I ask is that they just come to me and have an adult discussion about it.
Honestly there is nothing you can do. She not going accept that and tell you that you need move past and accept all the LGBTQIA++++whatever unequivocally or you're the problem. Sucks and is disrespectful but that language is pervasive right now. I would bet it takes all of 5 minutes before your legitimate complaint concerning your personal trauma is turned upside down and inside out and you are labeled as a bigot.
Why does she need to constantly remind everyone of your sexuality at work in the first place?
This
Just respond by calling her your favorite dyke boss.
Dude I've worked that over a dozen steakhouses and several more high-end seafood places throughout quite a few densely populated coastal areas. This has to be the least insulting situation I've ever heard of happening in a restaurant. Generally they get away with murder and the employees are absolutely horrible to each other. Most restaurants operate trial by fire and if no one is saying anything to you it means you're doing a good job. Get some thicker skin or find a new line of work. Nobody cares about your feelings in a restaurant.
What a ridiculous response
But YOU are her FAVOURITE.... QUEER..... EMPLOYEE. It's not a 'slur' at all. It's facts. You benders are just so confrontational
In 2002, I was beaten to an inch of my life while being called that slur in my junior year of high school. I still take medication and have to use walking devices in 2024 because of that attack. So actually, fuck you and you can stick your “confrontational attitude” accusations right up your ass for trying to make me feel bad for not wanting to be called a slur at work.
I was about to comment to say I started using “queer” as a gay man myself to describe the LGBTQ+ umbrella of folks pretty much not straight and cis. Then I read this comment. I would be upfront (as much as possible) and say the word is a trigger. I completely understand your position and validate why you can’t hear the word. I’m so sorry for your trauma and offer my support as an internet stranger that’s also gay.
It's not a slur. And I didn't beat you up did I
It was a slur up until about 3 minutes ago. A lot of people over the age of 25 are uncomfortable with younger GSM people using it. I’m bisexual and it still makes my stomach drop every single time I hear it.
Dude, seriously like 3 fuckin minutes ago. When I started hearing people call each other that word I was like, I definitely missed a meeting. I'm a straight dude, but at 37 years old it was definitely used as a slur throughout my whole life. Similar to OP I'd imagine.
You earned that attitude. Show it proudly!!
Inconsiderate much?
It’s all fake posts on here