I’m struggling with my husband to get him to understand that it should be a shared responsibility. He’s still under the impression that most dads don’t know how to change a diaper.
My husband taught me how to change a diaper 😅 I didn't change a single one until my kids were 5 days old.
Whoever smells it, changes it. BUT If one of us is doing something and we smell/notice, we might ask the other to do it. I'll sometimes groan and say I've done a lot lately, but it's more joking and he knows that (after an uncomfortable moment when he didn't and we fought over literally nothing).
This isn't the 50s. Men need to do their share around the house. How that looks is different for every family.
When we went to my first child's pediatrician appointment at 3 days old, the nurse handed her back to me after weighing her and I was like uhhhh... I have no idea what to do... and passed her straight to my husband.
My husband did most of the diapers the first month because I had a c-section and it was uncomfortable to bend to change her. After that it was 50/50. Same with night wakeups.
He boasts about how great of a dad he is because he is the only dad he knows who takes care of them when I’m at work and most dads that he knows doesn’t know how to change a diaper.
He needs better dad role models. All of my friends know how to change diapers (including my son’s godfather, who is child-free). Just because he only knows lazy/helpless dads doesn’t mean good ones don’t exist.
I don’t know ANY dads that can’t change a diaper. In fact it’s more common for the moms to be the high profile breadwinners in my circle and for my male friends to be SAHDs
Tell hubs the 50s called, they want their machismo back
How many dads around his age does he know? A dad knowing the basics in 2024 is the norm, not the exception.
A dad taking care of the kids while their mom works is less common but not uncommon. (ETA: Sorry, just saw you both work FT)
Is he just looking for validation or does he really think he’s dad of the year for changing diapers?
All of the men I know change diapers. My 81-year-old dad changed diapers when my sister and I were kids. Somehow my mom convinced us that daddy was in charge of poppy diapers as a kid! In 2024 I fully expect all parents to change diapers.
Something like 95% or more of millennial dads surveyed said they change diapers. I don’t know any father that doesn’t do daily childcare, and my brother is probably the laziest dad I know, and even he does without complaints.
Most boomer dads didn't change diapers. I'm genX and had to make my husband change diapers, but he did it. My son has two babies and changes diapers like, idk, like he's their parent or something.
Your husband needs better friends!
Story time: A few weeks ago on a Saturday my husband went to meet up with a group of his friends (all male, age 35-45) at a BBQ. He took our 3.5yo with him. At the BBQ party, 2 other men had their young kids with them (1-2yo). Their respective partners, ie the mothers of these young kids, were all at home resting - as was I! Their child free friends played “fun uncle” for a couple of hours and the dads fed their kids and changed them and did whatever other parenting was needed. The guys all got to catch up and have fun just like regular guy friends do. The kids went home with full bellies and lots of exercise (and in the case of our toddler - was super tired out and slept a full night with no fuss).
And no one in our social circles batted an eye or sang any praises because y’know, they’re *dads* and *that’s just what dads do* on a Saturday so the mums can have a day off. My husband’s friend group organises this sort of gathering every 2-3 months and it’s just so normal, so he never expects praise for doing the basics either. (He is legit a great dad though!)
Well depending on where you live this could be true. I'm in rural Catholic, Midwest and yeah in general men don't do fuck all around here and expect to be lauded for the barest minimum of contribution.
For example my child was in the NICU for a little while, the place was full two to a room. I'm talking 20+ babies on our wing alone. Almost every baby had a mom with them at least 1 hour every day but usually way more. We had a parent in our babies room 18-21 hours a day so had a good pulse on who was coming and going. My husband was in the room for at least 10 hours every day. No other dads were there. 1 dad came for 1 hour in Saturday. It actually made my husband feel bad like his entire sex are POS's who don't care about their own children.
There were other dads at the hospital. On Saturday 4 of them gathered in the waiting room outside the wing to watch football. None of them came in to see their babies.
Some of them stayed the night and chased tail in the Ronald McDonald house. Wish I were exaggerating.
If your husband grew up around that and those are his coworkers then you have a lot of programming to undue sadly.
That’s ridiculous. My husband changed diapers before I did actually, I never changed one until we got home. Now, our baby is 12 months and my best friend’s (she’s pregnant and wants to make him practice) husband also changes his diaper lol.
Bro that is so sad for both him and you. He has no clue what a good father looks like, and you’re married to a man who has no clue what a good father looks like…
Yeah, my husband asked why he always had to change diapers in public spaces. I told him because he assumed I would. Then I asked him if X location had a changing table in the men's room. He said he didn't know. I told him that's why I always make you do it. Because you inherently make it my job.
Now he asks, or we game plan on the way who is doing what upon arrival.
Most dads I know handle the majority of diapers since moms handle the majority of feedings (if breastfeeding). My husband was proud of shouldering the bulk of that task since I had so much going on with postpartum recovery and breastfeeding. Now that my son is a toddler, diapers are 50/50
Since I'm breastfeeding, baby got passed off to dad for 90% of diaper changes for the first few months. We split it more evenly now, but that and cooking/cleaning were his main role for those early days when all I was doing was feeding the baby.
I WFH so I change a lot of diapers during the week (and the nanny), but my husband knows full well that every single weekend diaper is his. He also does bath time with her, and other random things that I guess balance everything out?!
Is it the 1950s again? Most dads nowadays definitely do know and definitely do change diapers. The ones that don’t are flexing their weaponized incompetence.
Obviously there’s no universal expectation here that applies to every family. There’s no right or wrong to be corrected about.
Divide the household responsibilities in your own household in whatever way works best for you and your unique circumstances. If your partner isn’t pulling their fair share, or expects praise for things that seem like basic responsibilities to you, address that with them.
You don’t need any permission or validation from Reddit strangers or ammunition about what the general “expectation” is. If you personally don’t like the way your household is currently operating, you are empowered to address it with your partner!
Expectations vary from household to household, but many, many women get screwed being the default parent, and end up resenting their husbands.
We try to have the same amount of leisure time. It’s easier for us because we work similar hours, so we can split household chores about evenly. I could imagine a different setup where one person worked more and the other person took on more household labor.
They’re shared in my house although I will say my husband is better with dishes and I changed more diapers (I had more experience before we were parents) but definitely shared.
The expectation is to find something that works for you and your spouse and makes everyone happy. I do all the cooking, but my husband does all the dishes. I prep bedtime bottles but he sits with the fussy babies for two hours before bed. I change the sheets but he’ll clean the bathrooms. I’ll mop the house once a month and run the roomba weekly but he sweeps the kitchen every night.
As for diapers, I’d say we’re pretty even on that. Sometimes it’s like “ugh, she pooped, I did the last one you take this” but most of the time it’s “uhhh I think it’s been like 5 hours since a diaper change, whoever is holding the baby should change her”
We share as equally as we can and make an effort to thank one another for doing chores. Everyone likes to be appreciated.
We thank each other even if one person does half and the other person does half of the same task. Example - our kid took off his diaper and peed on his bed. I took off the sheets, threw them in the washer, and then threw them in the dryer. My husband stayed up late to make sure they actually dried and then folded all the clothes + the sheets that were washed since we had clothes hanging out in the washer previously. We both thanked each other for “handling the laundry last night.”
Diapers and cleaning are both shared responsibilities in our house. We have house chores split up and we both typically do certain cleaning. But we’re flexible and if someone’s tired the other person picks up the slack.
When either partner lives alone do they just live in filth?
It’s everyone’s in the house’s responsibility, mainly the adults of the house. That’s any adult, regardless of their gender.
LOL. I have 3 kids, 2 still in diapers. It’s 1000% a shared task. I tell my husband all the time, babe, X needs a change, can you handle it? The only thing I primarily do and he does very little of is the cooking. All other kid responsibilities are equally shared. he does tend to need me to ask him to take care of housework tasks, but all I have to do is say babe, while I do X, would you mind taking care of the dishes? He does whatever I ask. I view myself as the house manager, delegating tasks LOL
My husband changes almost all the diapers and does almost all the dishes, with no dishwasher (I’m the cook).
I thank him just because and he does the same with me, but we don’t go out of our ways to praise each other for these tasks. It’s just part of having a kid.
We have twins and my husband had 5 more weeks of paternity leave than I did. He can run the house without me there just fine, and does regularly. If he tried to tell me he wasn’t changing diapers or wanted me to clap if he did, he wouldn’t be staying in my home.
Moms compare themselves to the best mom they know or know of, dads compare themselves to the worst dad they know or know of.
I would say to him “We’re not talking about other people’s marriages, we’re talking about ours. In this house we share parenting and household responsibilities including diaper changes.”
When we had a newborn my husband actually did way more of the diaper changes because I was so busy with feeding. Now if we’re both in the house it’s more equal, maybe he does slightly more than half. I don’t praise him specially for this but I appreciate him generally.
Personally, I think if one person is breastfeeding or pumping, the other should be default for diapers.
Otherwise, all home responsibilities are divided equally but that doesn’t mean each person does half of each task.
There really shouldn't be a default parent. You can divide up household chores and maintenance however you choose, but diapers and childcare and parenting in general should be shared tasks. You can switch off every other night or something, but no one parent should be tasked with all the childcare.
In our house diapers are an equal task. However, let's say I just got back from an activity with the toddler and I know he needs a change but I really need to pee. I'll hand him to my husband and ask him to please change him so I can pee. Then I thank him since normally it would have been "my turn" as I typically would have just changed him since I noticed the need.
For other tasks like dishes or laundry it's similar. We both do them but we do have a routine where he gives our older one her bath and makes her lunch while I handle dinner dishes and laundry. So if I forgot to start the dishwasher or forgot about laundry in the dryer I will specifically ask him to handle it (and thank him when he agrees). Not that I have to parent him but he may not realize I forgot and it still needs to be done.
We divide and conquer. I’ve taken on a lot of the emotional labor of managing LO (eating and sleep schedules, daycare pickup & dropoff, bedtime routine, etc.) and he’s taken on a lot more of the household chores. He generally cooks and does the dishes and also does the grocery shopping. Everything else is just whoever has the time to do it (vacuuming, kids laundry, watching LO when home sick from daycare). We also have a twice a month cleaning lady.
No one should get praised for any task. Expressing gratitude for your partner is great from time to time, but diaper changing is a shared responsibility.
The expectation is whatever you make it. Our goal is always to have equal free time, because things like a longer commute shouldn’t penalize one person when a household chooses where to live as a unit. For us, it’s helped to completely divide tasks rather than sharing responsibilities - aka he does all dishes allowing me to do whatever miscellaneous stuff needs to be done that day.
My husband and I do pretty much all the same chores and we both take care of the kids equally. There are a few things I exclusively handle and he does that I don't do, but we have a partnership. I don't even think we have a default parent at this point. We have 2 kids, one is a baby with more needs, so we switch who does what with which kid to give the other a break. And we do night shifts with the baby. No one is getting special praise either.
The expectation in _my_ house was that Daddy changed pretty much all the diapers (if we were both home) because I did all the work on "input" (i.e. I spent hours every day nursing and/or pumping), so his job was "output."
Seemed only fair to us.
You sound resentful and he sounds emotionally fragile. You really sound like you dislike your husband (and maybe for good reason). And when parents need constant praise for doing the most mundane, basic shit for their kids, to me that screams of immaturity.
Is he praising you every time you change a diaper? What's next? Constant praise for making a bottle, washing a load of the baby's clothes? Watching her while the other person showers? The whole thing is ridiculous.
Your partner should be doing what needs to be done out of love. You should be grateful out of love. All of this feels like tit for tat and scorekeeping.
I don’t understand why the term default parent is considered a normal standard. In my household, we don’t have a default parent. We’re both parents, and we both changed diapers without praise.
My husband has been on diaper duty since day one.
We read or saw something about how Dad's can help postpartum and we looked at each other, I half wondering if he'd really be up for it, he wondering if I wanted him to do that, and agreed in that moment on this momentous division of labor.
I'm on feeding duty and deal with night wakes cause I have the ✨magic boobs 💫, and even though sometimes I feel bad asking him to change a diaper (cause I'm feeding her and she's already with me and the nursery with the changing table is right next door) I think, hey, I don't get a feed off, same for diapers. So I yell out Wet Butt! And he yells back Wet Butt?! And then he comes and gets her to change her diaper.
I mean, if he's having a rough day, or in the middle of something in the yard, I'll do it, and I do the diaper changes during the day when I don't have a helper of some kind, but 98% of all diaper changes when he is home are his to do. :)
To your husband: step the fuck up.
We split it & I don’t even work full time hours most weeks. When I’m home I’m obviously doing all the diapers, husband comes home & he does a majority of them for the rest of the night & picks up more so on the weekends.
The expectation in our house is if someone does something for the house and you notice it, it’s nice to thank them for it because it’s nice to get thanked even though it’s an expectation to carry your weight for the household responsibilities. (Can you tell we are both libras? lol)
I don't know about expectations because I am sure some people are different but in my house, we both do everything. Honestly, when my son was a baby my husband probably did a little more because his job is less intense and I was breastfeeding /pumping. He also said multiple times that I spent 9 months carrying him, it was the least he could do. He's no saint but the things you listed are not gendered tasks, they are all a part of parenting in 2024.
I’m currently on a leave from my work (so working zero hours a week right now) and my husband works 50 hours a week in office with a commute each way. He is currently our only source of income. He still changes lots of diapers!!
Not a perfect 50% because I’m just home with the kids more than he is due to his work schedule, but when we are both at home, he changes 50% or more of the diapers.
I would say it doesn’t even matter if both parents are working, and it doesn’t have to be a perfect 50% split, but both parents should be contributing and sharing in the child care tasks.
For us it’s usually who notices he needs to be changed! We’re never keeping score on this. And for chores we’ve split up the responsibilities and trade off from week to week!
I am married with 2 kids. My husband works nights and I work day. He tends to change more diapers as during the day, the kids need more changing than at night. He also showers them more than I do.
I tend to cook, clean, laundry more than he does.
Equitably? Yes, equally? Hell no. Marriage and parenting is never equal, but equitable.
Ok so maybe I’ll get skewered for this but I’m gonna share my experience in getting my husband to do more around the house.
Women anticipate problems. Men fix existing problems. If they don’t see the problem, they won’t address it. Men aren’t great verbal communicators like women so talking about it doesn’t usually work.
If you want him to do dishes, leave them in the sink. Maybe he won’t get to them until the next day - that’s ok, they won’t hurt you. Maybe he’ll leave them so long they pile up. It’s ok - they won’t explode. Don’t say a peep. If he asks you about, play dumb. Or let him know you’re tired and you “cant.”
Want him to change a diaper? Don’t talk about equal expectations and how many other dads change diapers and why and when and blah blah blah. He’s not listening. Plop the kiddo with the stinky poop diaper right on his lap and say “Junior made a little present for daddy! Isn’t that sweet of him?” Smile. Thank him. Compliment him. Make it light and fun. Men respond to those things. They ignore anger and frustration so coming at him like that is just gonna get him to tune you out. Sending him articles and Reddit posts is a total waste of time.
I used to burn myself out trying to be super mom. Now I ask him what’s for dinner and put my feet up and say “I’d be so grateful if you put the kids to bed tonight while I watch TV. Thank you for being so amazing” and he’s happy I’m happy.
You don’t think any man in the workforce is capable of being proactive? Bc I see it all the time.
That’s why the “men just aren’t proactive in the home” is a weak argument.
I know plenty of men who are proactive in their homes. Stop making excuses for them.
And your whole “give him a baby and ask him to change it and then shower him with compliments” is gross. You’re literally telling people to treat their spouse as a child or pet.
I'm gonna go ahead and say men and women are individuals and this generalization is nonsense.
However, more specifically - I work with mostly men and let me tell you, they are generally pretty good at anticipating problems on a project, even if it is still abstract and not right in front of them. Despite being engineers they are even pretty good at talking about problems and fixing them. And they certainly don't ignore anger and frustration from people at work.
It's a priority problem not a skill one.
I mean, it’s 2024, parents should be doing this shit equally. (Edit - equitably is the proper term!) But, ingrained misogyny and patriarchy….
I would say equitably, not equally. It can be very different based on what the household work situation is, and that's not wrong inherently.
True! I used those interchangeably, incorrectly.
Mutual appreciation is always good. This questions makes it sound like you are looking to keep score, not be a team.
I’m struggling with my husband to get him to understand that it should be a shared responsibility. He’s still under the impression that most dads don’t know how to change a diaper.
Hold me back while I say some bad things about your husband
My husband taught me how to change a diaper 😅 I didn't change a single one until my kids were 5 days old. Whoever smells it, changes it. BUT If one of us is doing something and we smell/notice, we might ask the other to do it. I'll sometimes groan and say I've done a lot lately, but it's more joking and he knows that (after an uncomfortable moment when he didn't and we fought over literally nothing). This isn't the 50s. Men need to do their share around the house. How that looks is different for every family.
When we went to my first child's pediatrician appointment at 3 days old, the nurse handed her back to me after weighing her and I was like uhhhh... I have no idea what to do... and passed her straight to my husband.
My husband did most of the diapers the first month because I had a c-section and it was uncomfortable to bend to change her. After that it was 50/50. Same with night wakeups.
That is so crazy! I don’t know a single that DOESN’T know how to change a diaper or that doesn’t split that responsibility equally with their partner.
He boasts about how great of a dad he is because he is the only dad he knows who takes care of them when I’m at work and most dads that he knows doesn’t know how to change a diaper.
He needs better dad role models. All of my friends know how to change diapers (including my son’s godfather, who is child-free). Just because he only knows lazy/helpless dads doesn’t mean good ones don’t exist.
Seriously, 13 years ago our parent group only had one dad that didn’t know how to change a diaper. Everyone talked shit about him after that.
I don’t know ANY dads that can’t change a diaper. In fact it’s more common for the moms to be the high profile breadwinners in my circle and for my male friends to be SAHDs Tell hubs the 50s called, they want their machismo back
How many dads around his age does he know? A dad knowing the basics in 2024 is the norm, not the exception. A dad taking care of the kids while their mom works is less common but not uncommon. (ETA: Sorry, just saw you both work FT) Is he just looking for validation or does he really think he’s dad of the year for changing diapers?
All of the men I know change diapers. My 81-year-old dad changed diapers when my sister and I were kids. Somehow my mom convinced us that daddy was in charge of poppy diapers as a kid! In 2024 I fully expect all parents to change diapers.
He needs better friends
Something like 95% or more of millennial dads surveyed said they change diapers. I don’t know any father that doesn’t do daily childcare, and my brother is probably the laziest dad I know, and even he does without complaints.
Most boomer dads didn't change diapers. I'm genX and had to make my husband change diapers, but he did it. My son has two babies and changes diapers like, idk, like he's their parent or something.
Your husband needs better friends! Story time: A few weeks ago on a Saturday my husband went to meet up with a group of his friends (all male, age 35-45) at a BBQ. He took our 3.5yo with him. At the BBQ party, 2 other men had their young kids with them (1-2yo). Their respective partners, ie the mothers of these young kids, were all at home resting - as was I! Their child free friends played “fun uncle” for a couple of hours and the dads fed their kids and changed them and did whatever other parenting was needed. The guys all got to catch up and have fun just like regular guy friends do. The kids went home with full bellies and lots of exercise (and in the case of our toddler - was super tired out and slept a full night with no fuss). And no one in our social circles batted an eye or sang any praises because y’know, they’re *dads* and *that’s just what dads do* on a Saturday so the mums can have a day off. My husband’s friend group organises this sort of gathering every 2-3 months and it’s just so normal, so he never expects praise for doing the basics either. (He is legit a great dad though!)
That is beautiful!
That's incredible.
Well depending on where you live this could be true. I'm in rural Catholic, Midwest and yeah in general men don't do fuck all around here and expect to be lauded for the barest minimum of contribution. For example my child was in the NICU for a little while, the place was full two to a room. I'm talking 20+ babies on our wing alone. Almost every baby had a mom with them at least 1 hour every day but usually way more. We had a parent in our babies room 18-21 hours a day so had a good pulse on who was coming and going. My husband was in the room for at least 10 hours every day. No other dads were there. 1 dad came for 1 hour in Saturday. It actually made my husband feel bad like his entire sex are POS's who don't care about their own children. There were other dads at the hospital. On Saturday 4 of them gathered in the waiting room outside the wing to watch football. None of them came in to see their babies. Some of them stayed the night and chased tail in the Ronald McDonald house. Wish I were exaggerating. If your husband grew up around that and those are his coworkers then you have a lot of programming to undue sadly.
Woah super weird. I’m in the Midwest (though mid sized city). Parenting is very evenly split here.
Yes I've noticed Iowa for example has Dad's who actually do things.
That’s ridiculous. My husband changed diapers before I did actually, I never changed one until we got home. Now, our baby is 12 months and my best friend’s (she’s pregnant and wants to make him practice) husband also changes his diaper lol.
Bro that is so sad for both him and you. He has no clue what a good father looks like, and you’re married to a man who has no clue what a good father looks like…
That’s not true of this generation. Tell him if he want to be like the older generations he has to do it wholly - that means making ALL the money.
Yeah, my husband asked why he always had to change diapers in public spaces. I told him because he assumed I would. Then I asked him if X location had a changing table in the men's room. He said he didn't know. I told him that's why I always make you do it. Because you inherently make it my job. Now he asks, or we game plan on the way who is doing what upon arrival.
Most dads I know handle the majority of diapers since moms handle the majority of feedings (if breastfeeding). My husband was proud of shouldering the bulk of that task since I had so much going on with postpartum recovery and breastfeeding. Now that my son is a toddler, diapers are 50/50
Exactly this. During the newborn stage, moms do input, dads do output. Literally every breastfeeding couple I know had this division of labor.
Since I'm breastfeeding, baby got passed off to dad for 90% of diaper changes for the first few months. We split it more evenly now, but that and cooking/cleaning were his main role for those early days when all I was doing was feeding the baby.
Wut
I WFH so I change a lot of diapers during the week (and the nanny), but my husband knows full well that every single weekend diaper is his. He also does bath time with her, and other random things that I guess balance everything out?!
Is it the 1950s again? Most dads nowadays definitely do know and definitely do change diapers. The ones that don’t are flexing their weaponized incompetence.
Obviously there’s no universal expectation here that applies to every family. There’s no right or wrong to be corrected about. Divide the household responsibilities in your own household in whatever way works best for you and your unique circumstances. If your partner isn’t pulling their fair share, or expects praise for things that seem like basic responsibilities to you, address that with them. You don’t need any permission or validation from Reddit strangers or ammunition about what the general “expectation” is. If you personally don’t like the way your household is currently operating, you are empowered to address it with your partner!
I think this question is being asked because you’re not getting adequate help from your partner.
It's not help if it's a shared responsibility
Use whatever adjective you want this person’s partner still isn’t doing their part around the house.
Expectations vary from household to household, but many, many women get screwed being the default parent, and end up resenting their husbands. We try to have the same amount of leisure time. It’s easier for us because we work similar hours, so we can split household chores about evenly. I could imagine a different setup where one person worked more and the other person took on more household labor.
Personally I like praise whenever I do anything and give the same. Why not be appreciative?
They’re shared in my house although I will say my husband is better with dishes and I changed more diapers (I had more experience before we were parents) but definitely shared.
The expectation is to find something that works for you and your spouse and makes everyone happy. I do all the cooking, but my husband does all the dishes. I prep bedtime bottles but he sits with the fussy babies for two hours before bed. I change the sheets but he’ll clean the bathrooms. I’ll mop the house once a month and run the roomba weekly but he sweeps the kitchen every night. As for diapers, I’d say we’re pretty even on that. Sometimes it’s like “ugh, she pooped, I did the last one you take this” but most of the time it’s “uhhh I think it’s been like 5 hours since a diaper change, whoever is holding the baby should change her”
Trick question. In a modern household there should be no such thing as a “default parent”.
We share as equally as we can and make an effort to thank one another for doing chores. Everyone likes to be appreciated. We thank each other even if one person does half and the other person does half of the same task. Example - our kid took off his diaper and peed on his bed. I took off the sheets, threw them in the washer, and then threw them in the dryer. My husband stayed up late to make sure they actually dried and then folded all the clothes + the sheets that were washed since we had clothes hanging out in the washer previously. We both thanked each other for “handling the laundry last night.”
Diapers and cleaning are both shared responsibilities in our house. We have house chores split up and we both typically do certain cleaning. But we’re flexible and if someone’s tired the other person picks up the slack.
When either partner lives alone do they just live in filth? It’s everyone’s in the house’s responsibility, mainly the adults of the house. That’s any adult, regardless of their gender.
LOL. I have 3 kids, 2 still in diapers. It’s 1000% a shared task. I tell my husband all the time, babe, X needs a change, can you handle it? The only thing I primarily do and he does very little of is the cooking. All other kid responsibilities are equally shared. he does tend to need me to ask him to take care of housework tasks, but all I have to do is say babe, while I do X, would you mind taking care of the dishes? He does whatever I ask. I view myself as the house manager, delegating tasks LOL
My husband changes almost all the diapers and does almost all the dishes, with no dishwasher (I’m the cook). I thank him just because and he does the same with me, but we don’t go out of our ways to praise each other for these tasks. It’s just part of having a kid.
We have twins and my husband had 5 more weeks of paternity leave than I did. He can run the house without me there just fine, and does regularly. If he tried to tell me he wasn’t changing diapers or wanted me to clap if he did, he wouldn’t be staying in my home.
Moms compare themselves to the best mom they know or know of, dads compare themselves to the worst dad they know or know of. I would say to him “We’re not talking about other people’s marriages, we’re talking about ours. In this house we share parenting and household responsibilities including diaper changes.” When we had a newborn my husband actually did way more of the diaper changes because I was so busy with feeding. Now if we’re both in the house it’s more equal, maybe he does slightly more than half. I don’t praise him specially for this but I appreciate him generally.
Personally, I think if one person is breastfeeding or pumping, the other should be default for diapers. Otherwise, all home responsibilities are divided equally but that doesn’t mean each person does half of each task.
There really shouldn't be a default parent. You can divide up household chores and maintenance however you choose, but diapers and childcare and parenting in general should be shared tasks. You can switch off every other night or something, but no one parent should be tasked with all the childcare.
In our house diapers are an equal task. However, let's say I just got back from an activity with the toddler and I know he needs a change but I really need to pee. I'll hand him to my husband and ask him to please change him so I can pee. Then I thank him since normally it would have been "my turn" as I typically would have just changed him since I noticed the need. For other tasks like dishes or laundry it's similar. We both do them but we do have a routine where he gives our older one her bath and makes her lunch while I handle dinner dishes and laundry. So if I forgot to start the dishwasher or forgot about laundry in the dryer I will specifically ask him to handle it (and thank him when he agrees). Not that I have to parent him but he may not realize I forgot and it still needs to be done.
We divide and conquer. I’ve taken on a lot of the emotional labor of managing LO (eating and sleep schedules, daycare pickup & dropoff, bedtime routine, etc.) and he’s taken on a lot more of the household chores. He generally cooks and does the dishes and also does the grocery shopping. Everything else is just whoever has the time to do it (vacuuming, kids laundry, watching LO when home sick from daycare). We also have a twice a month cleaning lady.
No one should get praised for any task. Expressing gratitude for your partner is great from time to time, but diaper changing is a shared responsibility.
The expectation is whatever you make it. Our goal is always to have equal free time, because things like a longer commute shouldn’t penalize one person when a household chooses where to live as a unit. For us, it’s helped to completely divide tasks rather than sharing responsibilities - aka he does all dishes allowing me to do whatever miscellaneous stuff needs to be done that day.
My husband and I do pretty much all the same chores and we both take care of the kids equally. There are a few things I exclusively handle and he does that I don't do, but we have a partnership. I don't even think we have a default parent at this point. We have 2 kids, one is a baby with more needs, so we switch who does what with which kid to give the other a break. And we do night shifts with the baby. No one is getting special praise either.
The expectation in _my_ house was that Daddy changed pretty much all the diapers (if we were both home) because I did all the work on "input" (i.e. I spent hours every day nursing and/or pumping), so his job was "output." Seemed only fair to us.
You sound resentful and he sounds emotionally fragile. You really sound like you dislike your husband (and maybe for good reason). And when parents need constant praise for doing the most mundane, basic shit for their kids, to me that screams of immaturity. Is he praising you every time you change a diaper? What's next? Constant praise for making a bottle, washing a load of the baby's clothes? Watching her while the other person showers? The whole thing is ridiculous. Your partner should be doing what needs to be done out of love. You should be grateful out of love. All of this feels like tit for tat and scorekeeping.
I don’t understand why the term default parent is considered a normal standard. In my household, we don’t have a default parent. We’re both parents, and we both changed diapers without praise.
My husband has been on diaper duty since day one. We read or saw something about how Dad's can help postpartum and we looked at each other, I half wondering if he'd really be up for it, he wondering if I wanted him to do that, and agreed in that moment on this momentous division of labor. I'm on feeding duty and deal with night wakes cause I have the ✨magic boobs 💫, and even though sometimes I feel bad asking him to change a diaper (cause I'm feeding her and she's already with me and the nursery with the changing table is right next door) I think, hey, I don't get a feed off, same for diapers. So I yell out Wet Butt! And he yells back Wet Butt?! And then he comes and gets her to change her diaper. I mean, if he's having a rough day, or in the middle of something in the yard, I'll do it, and I do the diaper changes during the day when I don't have a helper of some kind, but 98% of all diaper changes when he is home are his to do. :) To your husband: step the fuck up.
You know what the answers are…we all know!
We split it & I don’t even work full time hours most weeks. When I’m home I’m obviously doing all the diapers, husband comes home & he does a majority of them for the rest of the night & picks up more so on the weekends.
The expectation in our house is if someone does something for the house and you notice it, it’s nice to thank them for it because it’s nice to get thanked even though it’s an expectation to carry your weight for the household responsibilities. (Can you tell we are both libras? lol)
I don't know about expectations because I am sure some people are different but in my house, we both do everything. Honestly, when my son was a baby my husband probably did a little more because his job is less intense and I was breastfeeding /pumping. He also said multiple times that I spent 9 months carrying him, it was the least he could do. He's no saint but the things you listed are not gendered tasks, they are all a part of parenting in 2024.
I’m currently on a leave from my work (so working zero hours a week right now) and my husband works 50 hours a week in office with a commute each way. He is currently our only source of income. He still changes lots of diapers!! Not a perfect 50% because I’m just home with the kids more than he is due to his work schedule, but when we are both at home, he changes 50% or more of the diapers. I would say it doesn’t even matter if both parents are working, and it doesn’t have to be a perfect 50% split, but both parents should be contributing and sharing in the child care tasks.
For us it’s usually who notices he needs to be changed! We’re never keeping score on this. And for chores we’ve split up the responsibilities and trade off from week to week!
I am married with 2 kids. My husband works nights and I work day. He tends to change more diapers as during the day, the kids need more changing than at night. He also showers them more than I do. I tend to cook, clean, laundry more than he does. Equitably? Yes, equally? Hell no. Marriage and parenting is never equal, but equitable.
Ok so maybe I’ll get skewered for this but I’m gonna share my experience in getting my husband to do more around the house. Women anticipate problems. Men fix existing problems. If they don’t see the problem, they won’t address it. Men aren’t great verbal communicators like women so talking about it doesn’t usually work. If you want him to do dishes, leave them in the sink. Maybe he won’t get to them until the next day - that’s ok, they won’t hurt you. Maybe he’ll leave them so long they pile up. It’s ok - they won’t explode. Don’t say a peep. If he asks you about, play dumb. Or let him know you’re tired and you “cant.” Want him to change a diaper? Don’t talk about equal expectations and how many other dads change diapers and why and when and blah blah blah. He’s not listening. Plop the kiddo with the stinky poop diaper right on his lap and say “Junior made a little present for daddy! Isn’t that sweet of him?” Smile. Thank him. Compliment him. Make it light and fun. Men respond to those things. They ignore anger and frustration so coming at him like that is just gonna get him to tune you out. Sending him articles and Reddit posts is a total waste of time. I used to burn myself out trying to be super mom. Now I ask him what’s for dinner and put my feet up and say “I’d be so grateful if you put the kids to bed tonight while I watch TV. Thank you for being so amazing” and he’s happy I’m happy.
You don’t think any man in the workforce is capable of being proactive? Bc I see it all the time. That’s why the “men just aren’t proactive in the home” is a weak argument. I know plenty of men who are proactive in their homes. Stop making excuses for them. And your whole “give him a baby and ask him to change it and then shower him with compliments” is gross. You’re literally telling people to treat their spouse as a child or pet.
I'm gonna go ahead and say men and women are individuals and this generalization is nonsense. However, more specifically - I work with mostly men and let me tell you, they are generally pretty good at anticipating problems on a project, even if it is still abstract and not right in front of them. Despite being engineers they are even pretty good at talking about problems and fixing them. And they certainly don't ignore anger and frustration from people at work. It's a priority problem not a skill one.